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Canonical List of Math Jokes [10/10]

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Canonical List of Math Jokes

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Sep 28, 2001, 1:29:30 PM9/28/01

The following humor is from Joachim Verhagen's collection of science
and math humor, with permission. -- MLC

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From: "Larry Bavly" <ba...@rci.rutgers.edu>

Q: How do you statistically test for differences among professional
women tennis players?

A: Perform an analysis of cornered covariance, known as an ANACORNCOVA
(refers to women's tennis player Anna Kournikova)

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From: fc3...@math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)
Joe Average can get very mean.

From: Drew Cohn <007NO...@planetarymotion.net.invalid>
Especially when he crosses the median while eating pie a la mode.

From: obn...@hotmail.com (Obnoxio The Clown)
Going off at a bit of a tangent, didn't you mean pi a la mode? My
local diner has such nice pi, you have to sine a disclaimer that you
won't overeat. Anyone you bring with has to cosine the paper.
Anyway, I'm going round in circles....

From: Drew Cohn <007NO...@planetarymotion.net.invalid>
Thanks for squaring me away. At 3.14, your diner's pi is too
expensive. Unless we can come up with some kind of reciprocal
arrangement, I'll just have a glass of root beer instead.

From: Stan Kegel <ke...@fea.net>
That's the variance-r I was looking for.

From: "Richard Haxby" <rha...@cableinet.co.uk>
If you dont divide the bill proportionately, one of you could get a
real shock - with 2 root beers, you could find your friend has paid an
imaginary number, and your credit card bill will have recurring
decimals for months to come.

From: Stan Kegel <ke...@fea.net>
That's a standard error to make. Even in your prime you should know
the odds were against leaving you with that many degrees of freedom so
that should have been a factor in your getting to the root of the
problem. If that rings a bell, curve around the arc. There is no
need to gauss distribution.

From: obn...@hotmail.com (Obnoxio The Clown)
I'm sure it will only be a fraction of the price. Hey, if we went
together, we could integrate the bill. I'm sure it wouldn't be too
much effort to differentiate our contributions...

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Conclusion /nm./: the place where you got tired of thinking.

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From: Michael Wolf
You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by two."

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Back on the topic of folks in different professions who are determining
which numbers are prime or not...

GNU program:
% prime
usage: prime [-nV] [--quiet] [--silent] [--version] [-e script]
--catenate --concatenate | c --create | d
--diff --compare | r --append | t --list | u --update | x
-extract --get [ --atime-preserve ] [ -b, --block-size N ]
[ -B, --read-full-blocks ] [ -C, --directory DIR ] [
--checkpoint ] [ -f, --file [HOSTNAME:]F ] [ --force-
local ] [ -F, --info-script F --new-volume-script F ] [
-G, --incremental ] [ -g, --listed-incremental F ] [ -h,
--dereference ] [ -i, --ignore-zeros ] [ --ignore-failed-
read ] [ -k, --keep-old-files ] [ -K, --starting-file F ]
[ -l, --one-file-system ] [ -L, --tape-length N ] [ -m,
--modification-time ] [ -M, --multi-volume ] [ -N,
--after-date DATE, --newer DATE ] [ -o, --old-archive,
--portability ] [ -O, --to-stdout ] [ -p, --same-
permissions, --preserve-permissions ] [ -P, --absolute-
paths ] [ --preserve ] [ -R, --record-number ] [
[-f script-file] [--expression=script] [--file=script-file]
[file...]
prime: you must specify exactly one of the r, c, t, x, or d options
For more information, type ``prime --help''

The computer programmer method is:

"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime...
Bus error. Core dumped."

Again:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is ..."

Oops, let's try that again:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime, 9 is ... 3 is ..."

Um, right. Okay, how about this:
"3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime..."

So much for the beta releases. Ship this:
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime..."

and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the industry!"

Then
"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release, ..."

Coming soon:
"3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is a prime,
8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ..."

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MATHMO TEST
15/03/1990 (version 0.01)

These questions were compiled by Gavin Matthews (GR...@UK.AC.CAM.PHX)
with the assistance of Bob Dowling (RJD4) and others. Any offence
caused by this file, to any person living, dead or mathmo, is entirely
deliberate. Any suggestions are, of course, welcome - especially those
which are physically possible.

Answer strictly one of "YES" or "NO" to each of the following questions.
Count the number of distinct questions to which you answer "YES".

GAMES AND PUZZLES
: Can you solve Rubik's Cube unassisted?
: Have you ever made a model of a dodecahedron?
: Can you play Go?
: Can you play Othello?
: Have you ever beaten a computer at Chess?
: Have you ever played Conway's Game of Life?
: ...by hand?
: Do you know the probability of a 4-3-3-3 split in Bridge?

MANNERISMS
: Have you used the word "trivial" more than twice in the last 24 hours?
: Would you answer "Do you know the time?" with "Yes"?
: Would you answer "Is it still raining or has it stopped?" with "Yes"?
: When people make grammatical errors do you correct them?
: If someone accused you of "pedanticism" would you reply "pedantry"?
: Would you wear a jumper with (an approximation to) the Mandelbrot Set on it?
: Would you say "There exists" rather than "There is"?
: Do you drink more than 5 cups of coffee or tea per day?
: Would you talk about "n objects, where n is ..." ?
: Do you make excruciatingly bad puns?
: Have you ever corrected a lecturer?
: ...three times in the same lecture?
: Do you usually wear an anorak?
: Would you introduce yourself as a "mathmo"?
: _Are_ you introduced as a "mathmo"?
: Do you have strong views on the least natural number?

EXPERIENCE
: Have you ever plotted (an approximation to) the Mandelbrot Set?
: Have you ever calculated (an approximation to) pi or e on a computer?
: Would you know what to do with Napier's bones?
: Does the word "plagiarise" make you think of Nikolai Ivanovitch Lobachevsky?
: Do you, or did you, read Mathematics?
: Have you read "Goedel, Escher, Bach"?
: Do you play a musical instrument?
: Have you ever programmed a computer to count prime numbers?
: Have you solved the 8-queens problem?
: Are you a member of a maths society?
: Were you cleverer than maths teachers at your school?

ATTRIBUTES
: Do you think more clearly whilst pacing?
: ...fiddling with something?
: Are other people unable to read your handwriting?
: Are _you_ unable to read your handwriting?
: Is your spelling lousy?
: Are you either hopelessly incompetent or frighteningly competent at
mental arithmetic?
: Are you short-sighted?
: Are you left-handed?
: Would you fail the Turing Test?
: Do you often forget to have meals?
: Are you physically unco-ordinated?
: When you hear the word "ring", do you think first of a set with
multiplication and addition?
: Consider the joke: "Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
- To get to the same side." Do you find this amusing?
: Does the denary value of 2^16 spring readily to mind?
: Can you "prove" 0=1?
: Do you know how many primes there are less than 100?
: ...less than 10000?
: Does the number 1,729 mean anything to you?
: Do you know what "QED" stands for?

FLUENTS
: Is it more than six months since you last had a haircut?
: Is it more than a week since you last had a bath/shower?
: In the last month, have you gone 24 hours continuously without sleep?
: In the last month, have you gone 18 hours continuously without being awake?
: Is it more than a week since you changed your clothes?

METRICS
: Have you ever done anything merely to improve your score in this test?
: Do you feel that some of these questions were designed with you in mind?
: Have you attempted to wilfully misinterpret any question in this test?
: Did you succeed?
: Did you notice the split infinitive two questions ago?

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From: fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy)

Top ten reasons why e is inferior to pi

10) e is less challenging to spell than pi.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth
place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But
pi is special (it's under "special symbols" in word processor programs.)
7) pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition
of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when
you're in pre-calculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still
hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma).
There is no confusion with the one and only pi.
3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced
'Oiler'.

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From: Aniko Szabo <aniko...@hci.utah.edu>

"Consider the quartic polynomial 'a x^4 + b x^3 + c x^2 + d x + e', where
'e' is not necessarily the Euler constant."

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From: choll...@mindspring.com (The Sanity Inspector)

On being asked what he meant by the beauty of a mathematical theory of
physics, Dirac replied that if the questioner was a mathematician then
he did not need to be told, but were he not a mathematician then
nothing would be able to convince him of it. -- Freeman Dyson

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AlGoreithm, n. (al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed
endlessly until a predetermined desired result is produced.

Possibly by: gera...@cavtel.net (PJ Geraghty)

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Algorithm al*gor*ithm (noun)

An algorithm is a set of rules that specify the order and kind of
arithmetic operations that are used on a specified set of data.
These arithmetic operations could include such things as rounding
rules, a logical decision, or a specific formula repeating operations
over and over until the desired outcome is reached.

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"I do what a mathematician does and therefore I drink what a mathematician
drinks." (Excuse that Paul Erdös invented (too late) for the thirteen
year old Louis Pósa, after Erdös's mother complained that he had given
Pósa some coffee.)

-- Paul Erdös (Hungarian mathematician, 1913-1996)

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A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether the circle is round.
In a paper of Erdös written in Kurdish
A counterexample is found.

Limerick from Leo Moser about Paul Erdös tendency to publish important
proofs in obscure journals.

Note: On hearing this limerick, Erdös tried to publish in a Kurdish
mathematical journal, but he could not find any.

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From: Ron Gerards (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes)

from 'The Best Howlers' collected by Cecil Hunt [3rd ed. 1957;
Ernest Benn Ltd. 3/- (15p)]. OK these are old jokes, I admit.

Gravity tells us why an apple doesn't go to heaven.

A parallel straight line is one that, when produced to meet itself, does
not meet.

To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out
and put the cork in quick.

A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.

Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms.

Ammonium chloride is also called silly maniac.

Water may be made hard by freezing and the hardness removed by boiling it.

If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid, it is very injurious
to health.

Water freezes at a higher temperature on the Fahrenheit scale than on
the Centigrade.

At 180C, sulphur is vicious.

Oxygen can be prepared by heating potassium chocolate.

A theorem - derived from theos [a god] and res [a thing] - is a problem
needing divine intelligence.

A magnetic force is a straight line, generally a curved one, which would
tend to point to where the North Pole comes.

Lack of vitamins gives rise to crickets.

An alkali is a chemical substance without water in it, such as whisky.

Chalk and sand can always be separated by flirtation.

Saturated is a term used for gentlemen who are full up.

Gravity is a law holding things up, but nowadays we use elastic.

The liver is an infernal organ.

Algebra is the wife of Euclid.

A ruminating animal is one that chews its cubs.

Mass is when you buy a sack of potatoes and weight is when you carry it home.

A pence plus B pence equals expense.

Volcanoes are ordinary mountains except they omit palaver frequently.

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From: Joachim Verhagen

Paul Erdös had another version of this story, how Kummer calculated 7 x 9:
Kummer said to himself: "Hmmm the product cannot be 61, because 61 is prime,
it cannot be 65, because 65 is a multiple of 5, 67 is a prime, 69 is too
big - Only 63 is left."

Source: Paul Hoffman, de man die van etallen hield, 1998

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"Obvious" is the most dangerous word in mathematics.

-- Bell, Eric Temple (1883-1960)

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...to characterize the import of pure geometry, we might use the standard
form of a movie-disclaimer: No portrayal of the characteristics of
geometrical figures or of the spatial properties of relationships of actual
bodies is intended, and any similarities between the primitive concepts and
their customary geometrical connotations are purely coincidental.

-- Hempel, Carl G.
"Geometry and Empirical Science" in J. R. Newman (ed.) The World of
Mathematics, New York: Simon and Schuster, 1956.

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When asked what it was like to set about proving something, the
mathematician likened proving a theorem to seeing the peak of a mountain
and trying to climb to the top. One establishes a base camp and begins
scaling the mountain's sheer face, encountering obstacles at every turn,
often retracing one's steps and struggling every foot of the journey.
Finally when the top is reached, one stands examining the peak, taking in
the view of the surrounding countryside and then noting the automobile road
up the other side!

-- Kleinhenz, Robert J.

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A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen
mediocre papers.

-- Littlewood, J. E. (1885-1977)
A Mathematician's Miscellany, Methuen and Co. ltd., 1953.

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I read in the proof sheets of Hardy on Ramanujan: "As someone said, each of
the positive integers was one of his personal friends." My reaction was,
"I wonder who said that; I wish I had." In the next proof-sheets I read
(what now stands), "It was Littlewood who said..."

-- Littlewood, J. E. (1885-1977)
A Mathematician's Miscellany, Methuen Co. Ltd, 1953.

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On the Gaussian curve:
Experimentalists think that it is a mathematical theorem while the
mathematicians believe it to be an experimental fact.

-- Jules Henri Poincare (1854-1912) [French mathematician]

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Mathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious
way.

-- Polyá, George (1887, 1985)
In N. Rose Mathematical Maxims and Minims, Raleigh NC:Rome Press Inc.,
1988.

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The traditional mathematics professor of the popular legend is
absentminded. He usually appears in public with a lost umbrella in each
hand. He prefers to face the blackboard and to turn his back to the class.
He writes a, he says b, he means c; but it should be d. Some of his
sayings are handed down from generation to generation.

"In order to solve this differential equation you look at it till a
solution occurs to you."

"This principle is so perfectly general that no particular application of
it is possible."

"Geometry is the science of correct reasoning on incorrect figures."

"My method to overcome a difficulty is to go round it."

"What is the difference between method and device? A method is a device
which you used twice."

-- Polyá, George (1887, 1985)
How to Solve It. Princeton: Princeton University Press. 1945.

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One of the endearing things about mathematicians is the extent to which
they will go to avoid doing any real work.

-- Pordage, Matthew
In H. Eves Return to Mathematical Circles, Boston: Prindle, Weber and
Schmidt, 1988.

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There are in this world optimists who feel that any symbol that starts off
with an integral sign must necessarily denote something that will have
every property that they should like an integral to possess. This of
course is quite annoying to us rigorous mathematicians; what is even more
annoying is that by doing so they often come up with the right answer.

-- McShane, E. J.
Bulletin of the American Mathematical Society, v. 69, p. 611, 1963.

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The bottom line for mathematicians is that the architecture has to be
right. In all the mathematics that I did, the essential point was to find
the right architecture. It's like building a bridge. Once the main lines
of the structure are right, then the details miraculously fit. The problem
is the overall design.

-- Dyson, Freeman
"Freeman Dyson: Mathematician, Physicist, and Writer". Interview with
Donald J. Albers, The College Mathematics Journal, vol 25, no. 1, January
1994.

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