Canonical List Of Computer humor
Nick Thomson
================================
This is the Canonical List Of Computer Humor. It has been
compiled with the assistance of a lot of people but a special thanks goes to
Prof P. Piacenza (ch...@unitrix.utr.ac.za) who contributed a great deal of
jokes
etc to this list.
Any submissions should be sent to :-
where they will be added to the list and the submitter will get a personal
copy of the list. Any requests for copies of this list sent to the above
address will be chearfully ignored. If you are reading this then you have
a copy in front of you. If your joke is more suited to any of the other
lists then it will be placed there.
This file can be FTPed from FTP.CCO.CALTECH.EDU in the directory
/pub/humor/canonical.list - login as anonymous and enter E-Mail address as
password.
The latest version of this file can also be found at (Soon):-
http://www.undergrid.demon.co.uk/humor/ch.html
Ok enough of the boring stuff - enjoy.............
CONTENTS
========
1) Computer Messages
2) Q&A
3) Computer Viruses
4) Computer Terms
5) Songs and Poems
6) Tests
7) Computer Stories and Anicdotes
===========================================================================
Subject: Computer Messages
===========================================================================
< 1> Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
< 2> REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
< 3> REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
< 4> USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
< 5> Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
< 6> Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
< 7> BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
< 8> Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
< 9> .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
< 10> Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
< 11> Spellchecker not found. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
< 12> A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
< 13> A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
< 14> A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
< 15> A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
< 16> Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
< 17> Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
< 18> Close your eyes and press escape three times.
< 19> DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
< 20> Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
< 21> SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
< 22> APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
< 23> ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
< 24> Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found.
Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via
the Internet:
WinErr: 001
Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002
No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009
Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D
Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E
Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new
one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be
lost.
WinErr: 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be activated
again.
WinErr: 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?
WinErr: 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available
===========================================================================
Subject: Q&A
===========================================================================
Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies:
"Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!
Q: Why don't the British build computers?
A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
Q: Somebody asked me "What happens to programmers when they die?"
A: They get deallocated?
Their values become undefined?
The get re-intialized?
Their structues break down?
They become WORM food...
They start dropping bits........
They branch to a new address!
Their social system resources are released?
They dump core?
Q. What do you get when you cross 200K of apples and lots of garbage?
A. A core dump
Q: What do you call a computer scientist?
A: It doesn't matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer
to come anyway.
Q: What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
A: Access time.
Q: Why is "256 Ways To Make Love" the most quoted book on the Internet?
A: It is the Fucking Manual
Q: What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny?
A: Mount a filesystem.
Q: Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad.
A: So that blind students can hate them too.
Q: How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist?
A: He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
============================================================================
Subject: Different Kinds Of Computer Viruses
============================================================================
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and
we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes:
50% to poor, slow processes;50% to middle-class
processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus
protests your computer's involvement in other
computer's affairs, even though it has been
having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus (2): The computer locks up,screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming
the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child
processes without joining into a binary
network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe
typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then
self destructs, only to resurface at shopping
malls and service stations across rural
America.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which do practically nothing,
but all of which claim to be the most important
part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time
(plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of
it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800
number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your
dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm
your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of
your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack -
once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa
Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for
money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can
wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to first see a counselor about
possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever
happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other
file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in
each half blaming other side for the state of
the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75
years.
===========================================================================
Subject: Computer Terms
===========================================================================
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Memory dump: Amnesia...
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem.
- Ken Batcher
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...
============================================================================
Subject: Songs And Poems
============================================================================
Ten Little Gigabytes
Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line
one caught a virus, then there were nine.
Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,
someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight.
Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,
then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics
stored an even larger prime, now there are six.
Six little gigabytes, working like a hive,
one died of overwork, now there are five.
Five little gigabytes, trying to add more
plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.
Four little gigabytes, failing frequently,
one used for spare parts, now there are three.
Three little gigabytes, have too much to do
service man on holiday, now there are two.
Two little gigabytes, badly overrun,
took the work elsewhere, now just need one.
One little gigabyte, systems far too small
shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Core Dumped Blues
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do, A Loop <sung to the tune of Doe, a deer>
Do, a loop, a normal loop,
Array, a 2-D storage space,
Me, recursion, I call myself,
Bar, a variable to chase.
No, a value meaning not,
Yes, a term to follow No,
C, a lang where >> will rot,
That will bring us back to Do, Array, Me, Bar, No, Yes, C, DO, a loop, a......
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -
He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
Chorus:
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
(chorus)
Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
The operator killed Puff's job - he didn't seem to care.
A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
(chorus)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nevermore
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light -
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no - my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
times still changin
by dusty anderson
come gather round people wherever you roam
and accept that the networks around you have grown
and admit that software piracy you don't condone
if your data to you is worth saving
then you better make backups
on your macs or pc clones
for the times they are a changin
come students and staffers who double-click with your mice
and keep your eyes open - your screen savers look so nice
and don't blame network downtime on poltergeists
the new copy of WORD just delivered
takes 2 dozen diskettes and needs 40 megabytes
cos' the times they are a changin
come faculty and administrators, please read your e-mail
it's been there for months now and it's gettin stale
our attempts to get more disk space from ADP have failed
the battle on campus is ragin
whether we will use windows or macs will prevail
yup the times they are a changin
come users and sysadmins all over the LAN
your bandwidth requirements we don't understand
your digital desktops and cryptic commands
your multimedia stations
were not in the budget
of our five year plan
but the times they are a changin
with Ethernet, Token Ring and FDDI
we've got the best network that money can buy
with Internet access and registration on-line
but yesterday when he was cleaning
the janitor unplugged the power
and all systems died
oh the times they are a changin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jargontalk, by Larry Colen
with apologies to Lewis Carroll
Twas unix and the C++
Did compile and load upon the vax:
All Ritchie was the Kernighan,
And Lisp ran in GNU EMACS
Beware the Jargontalk my son.
The mac that talks, the dull PC
Beware the Amiga, and shun
the voluminous PDP
He took his listed code in hand:
Long time the pointer bug he sought-
So rested he by the coke machine,
and stood a while in thought.
And as in nerdish thought he stood,
the Jargontalk, with awk and grep,
Came geeking through the Cobol wood,
and edlin as it schlepped.
One two! One two! and through and through
the line printer went clickity clack!
And with a meg of memory dump
He pulled an allnight hack.
And hast thou slain the Jargontalk?
telnet to me, my nerdish boy!
Copyleft Gnu! Callooh! Callay!
He deroffed in his joy.
Twas unix and the C++
Did compile and load upon the vax:
All Ritchie was the Kernighan,
And Lisp ran in GNU EMACS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
American Pie - Hacker Style
Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
How UNIX used to make me smile...
And I knew that with a login name
That I could play those unix games
And maybe hack some programs for a while.
But February made me shiver
With every program I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep,
I couldn't take one more spec...
I can't remember getting smashed
When I heard about the system crash
And all the passwords got rehashed
The Day That UNIX Died...
And I was singing:
Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye."
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
This'll be the day that I die
Did you write the new games shell
And do you have faith in the manual?
If b:dennie tells you so...
Well, do you believe in UNIX C
Can hacking save you memory
And can you tell me why vi's so slow
Well, I know that you're in love with C
'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
You just kicked off your shoes
Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
I was a lonely young computer geek
With a program due 'most every week
But I guess that I was meant to freak
The Day That UNIX Died
And I was singin:
(chorus)
Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
The professor really is an ass.
But that's not how it used to be...
When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
And user limits could go to hell
And there was still space on UNIX C.
And while the board was looking 'round
The Chancellor brought the budget down
The classes were adjourned
Evaluations weren't returned
And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
And we wrote programs that weren't whole
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin'...
(chorus)
Helter skelter in the summer swelter
I went in the lab to find some shelter
Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
C stayed up for ten whole days
The hackers really were amazed
Wonderin' how long it all would last.
Well, both the forums were really great
Nobody got us all irate
We had a stroke of luck
The system did not duck
'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
The UNDR-shell was really keen
Do you recall what was the scene
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin...
(chorus)
Our programs were all in one place,
UNIX had run out of space
With no time left to start again...
So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Use every programming trick
'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
And as I watched the system fill
My login process would be killed.
The system just went down
Consternation up at Crown"!!!
The hours went on into the night
And all that we could do was rite
I saw Dennie laughing with delight
The Day That UNIX Died
And he was singin'...
(chorus)
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some stat lab news
But she just cursed and said "grow up"
I went down through the stat lab door
Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
And in the halls the students screamed,
The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
But not a word was spoken
The Vaxes all were broken
And the three folks I admire most
The Father, Frank, and a. G.'s ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The Day That UNIX Died
And they were singin...
So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye"
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Ah, look at all the lonely users...
Our system admins
tear out their hair
and they swear and some really do care
but cannot help us
look at us working
spending our lives with hard drives
'til our eyes start to go
what does it show?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
- Sarah Elkins and Jim Maryniak
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
- Author unknown
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To summarize, below is a little poem about the whole, ugly affair. (It's
not particularly funny, but then neither is the lack of [pick one:
testing; understanding; ethics] at Intel....)
Intel Inside
============
"Intel Inside!,"
Intel vied,
with ample pride
world wide
in guide
"Proven and tried!".
"Intel Inside!"
Budgets sighed;
millions buyed;
RISC sales dried
like ancient bride.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!
Scientists cried,
fit to be tied,
and numbers fried.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide!!
Pi's pied
when FDIV died
and accuracy denied.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?
Executives hide
from "outside"
during Intel bide
on warranty decide.
"Intel Inside?"
Can't divide?!!
See "Thalidomide".
(Taken for a ride.)
Intel lied.
Vernon R.J. Schmid
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happily Addicted to the Web
(Sing to the tune of Winter Wonderland)
=======================================
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy although
My boss let me go
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?
With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
================================================================================
Subject: Tests
================================================================================
The Complete Geek Test
Part - I Are You a Computer Geek?
1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred
sex. Do you:
A. Openly Ogle
B. Act Non-Chalant
C. Comment "Gee, that's got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!"
D. Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive
relief.
2. You're at a party. Someone comes over and asks you your star sign. You:
A. Tell them to bugger off
B. Lay them one in the groin, then tell them to bugger off.
C. I don't go to parties.
D. I don't get invited to parties.
3. You're at the head of a large queue in front of a cash-register in a large
department store. The register gives a >beep< and stops dead. You:
A. Wait patiently
B. Plant all the stuff you were going to buy in a nearby baby carriage and
call the store detective (to while away the time)
C. Break out your ever-present C64 notebook and try to debug the thing
D. I don't know
4. You're shopping for some personal hygiene equipment when the chemist runs
up saying the prescription database on his 386 is corrupt. You:
A. What's a prescription database?
B. What's a 386?
C. What's personal hygiene?
D. What was the question again?
5. A friend wants to borrow a record off you. You
A. Lend it out, and tell them it's a boomerang.
B. Tell them to go buy it.
C. Consult the database to see that status of the record concerned
D. Sell it to them for a beer.
6. You'd most like to meet:
A. The person who wrote "Gulag Acapeligo"
B. The person who wrote "War and Peace"
C. The person who wrote MSDOS
D. A person who can write
7. You win a "Grocery-Grab" at a local supermarket. You've got one minute to
pack a cart with as much stuff as you can. You start:
A. In the Liquor Section
B. In the Confectionary Lane
C. At the Pencil Bar
D. At the cash register
8. You've been hit by a car and your life flashes before your eyes. The thing
you remember most vividly is:
A. Your Mother's voice as a child
B. Your first Love
C. The Ascii table.
D. The tire pressure was maybe a little too high
9. You get to compete on blind date. You have one statement to change the
choosers mind about you. You say:
A. I've got a 12 inch tongue
B. I can go all night
C. I'VE GOT A 386SX with 64K Ram Cache
D. I've killed 5 people
10. You feel naked without your:
A. Electric Guitar
B. Wallet
C. VT100 reference guide
D. Axe
11. You see someone standing on a ledge, about to jump. You can save them if
you say the right thing. You say:
A. I know things are bad, but do you want to talk about it?
B. I feel you just need someone to talk to
C. Want to come and play on my C64?
D. I bet you haven't got the guts....
12. You told your best friend the first time you:
A. Had Sex
B. Had Oral Sex
C. Got a Ram expansion
D. Killed a cat.
13. No-one understands you like:
A. Your Mother
B. Your Father
C. Your PC
D. Your Parole Officer
14. For your 18th birthday you wanted:
A. A Car
B. A Shaver
C. A C64 Cassette Drive
D. Some Piano Wire, and the Neigbours Cat
Scoring
Mostly A's:
You're normal. Boring Boring Boring. You're the sort of person who'll just
fritter their way through life enjoying themselves and having a good time.
Shame on you!
Mostly B's:
You're mostly normal. Nothing a little ECT can't clear away in any case. You
almost make it into the "Mostly A's" above.
Mostly C's:
Geek Alert! Break out the pocket protector! With a set of horn rims and a
pocket calculator, you're ready for Revenge Part #72. You can be the person
that gets beat up all the time.
Mostly D's:
So you're a sociopath; But that doesn't mean you're a bad person! Just keep
taking the Lithium and everything'll be fine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II - Are you still a computer geek?
Ok, so you lucked out last time - you were about as socially adjusted as an
onion and jelly sandwich, but you might have changed! You may not be a
computer
geek any more! It's possible!!! (Not probable, but possible) Test yourself
now!
1. It's a stag party for one of your friends. You and the rest of your
friends all put money in for:
a. A set of driving mirrors
b. A stripper
c. A stripper with a set of driving mirrors
d. A VGA screen so he can check out alt.sex.pictures.of.girlies
2. You want to improve your social life. You
a. Ask people to go out with you.
b. Join a club to meet new people
c. Drink yourself unconscious and forget about it.
d. What's a social life?
3. You ideal partner would have:
a. Looks
b. Intelligence
c. Money
d. A 1.2 Gig Hard Drive, Twin floppies + SVGA screen, and 5 Meg Memory
4. You have the most horrific nightmare of your life. It involves:
a. You driving off a cliff
b. You showing up somewhere with no clothes on
c. A hungry alsation, your private parts and some tomato sauce.
d. A tax on pocket protectors and thick glasses
5. You're on blind date. The question you would ask is:
a. "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone"
b. "Name the weirdest place you ever made love"
c. "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit"
d. "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4"
6. Your role model is:
a. Rudolf Steiner
b. Mother Theresa
c. Charlie Manson
d. R2D2
7. Your favourite fashion accessory is:
a. Winklepickers
b. Collar Studs
c. An axe
d. What's fashion?
8. If you had your life to live again, would you:
a. Make no changes
b. Make a few changes
c. Make a lot of changes
d. Upgrade to SVGA
9. Your favourite pickup line is:
a. "I've just won the lottery"
b. "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?"
c. "Shit, I'm pissed"
d. "I'm superuser at work.."
10. During sexual climax, you think of:
a. Your partner
b. Your partner's body
c. Yourself
d. The 487 co-processor at 52 Meg
Scoring
You don't really need the score card do you?
Mostly A's or B's means you're the normal run-of-the-mill, 90212 (the house
next door) walk alike, talk alike that gives us real jerks a bad name; C's
mean you're a.. Well, frankly, I haven't got a clue what the hell you are, but
you're unique. D's - give up all hope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you a latent Computer Geek?
So you got away by the skin of your teeth on the first two questionaires, but
this is it, the biggy - the decider. You *could* be latent, with a geek laying
dormant in your subconscious, just waiting to get out. Find out now with our
five minute geek test part III. No cheating now, remember, you're not cheating
us, you're just cheating your analyst out of 180 an hour...
1. It's your birthday and your parents give you are large parcel. You hope:
a. It's expensive
b. It's something that'll help you "score"
c. It's got an alcohol content
d. It's a full height 5 meg hard-disk for your computer museum
2. Your favourite STTNG star is:
a. The Captain - Always the Captain
b. The Captain too, cos he scores all the good chicks, just like on the
old generation
c. The guy with the car air-cleaner for glasses
d. Data
3. You've got $20 left in your bank account, it's a Friday night and you're
bored. You
a. Go see some friends and bludge off them
b. Invest your money in a couple of bottles of cheap cherry ripple
leg-opener
c. Leave it in the bank as the interest rate is almost 6 percent!
d. Go downtown and tease the autoback machine by withdrawing the money and
cancelling it at the last minute
4. The highlight of your career was when you
a. Pulled off a currency deal worth 31 Million
b. Bought R18 magazines when you were 16
c. Successfully Diagnosed yourself as having 3 degenerative brain
disorders
d. Got your C64 to talk to the Washing machine so you really *could*
program the wash
5. Your cousin is the Black Sheep of the family because
a. He doesn't have a cell-phone
b. He doesn't drink Jack Daniels from the bottle
c. He doesn't collect unemployment benefit
d. He doesn't have a 486-40 with at least 120 Meg HD
6. You win a trip to any destination. You go to:
a. Wall Street, the home of money
b. Gracelands, home of Elvis
c. Anywhere marrying siblings is legal
d. The Motorola factory
7. You never cried so much as when
a. They told you Santa wasn't real
b. The Beatles split up
c. They told you you'd moved to an alcohol-free district
d. You heard Commodore 64s were discontinued
8. The partner of your dreams is
a. A currency consultant with a Jet Ski and a Timeshare in Florida
b. An attractive blond with Big Bazookies that talks dirty
c. Dead
d. A 486 with personality simulation
9. You have 24 hours to live. You
a. Sell everything and indulge yourself
b. Make peace with you enemies
c. See if Anti-Freeze *is* drinkable
d. Back your personality up onto 8 inch floppies.
10. The greatest threat to our way of life is
a. Nuclear Weapons
b. Communists
c. Low-Proof Alcohol
d. 8 bit graphics
11. You're drunk at a party. You talk about:
a. Your financial model of the world
b. The one that ripped your heart out of your body, stomped on it, shot it
twice, set it on fire, then flushed it down the toilet like...
c. How to make a good fruit punch with Ethyl Alcohol
d. Which is the better disk controller, MFM or RLL
12. You have a kid. What do you call it?
a. "Wall-Street", "Money" or "Profit"
b. A Single Syllable name like "Dave" or "Sue"
c. A miracle.
d. R-Two
13. In the embarrassing old family photographs, you're always the one:
a. With the torn jeans
b. With the hair sticking up at the back
c. Clutching your Genetalia
d. With two pens of the SAME COLOUR in your top pocket, and no greens
14. When you die, your burial wishes are to be:
a. Buried in a gold-plated coffin
b. Cremated at a quiet ceremony
c. Dead first
d. Buried with a full set of MSDOS-4 floppies and Manuals
How did you do?
Mostly A's - You're not a geek, but we still hate you.
Mostly B's - You're normalish, no intellectual threat and not really a geek
either
Mostly C's - You're really out there somewhere aren't you?
Mostly D's - BING! On the nail. Need we say more? Ok?
10 PRINT "GEEK"
20 GOTO 10
Get the picture?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stashed this away while reading an ARPA bulletin board in school a decade
ago. It was posted by a Xerox PARC hacker (you know, the guys who *invented*
EtherNet) as a test called "the systems qual."
Dated: 2 September 1982
1 Pick from the following pictures the one which most accurately represents a
computer:
A. <a picture of a Cray-1>
B. <a picture of a S-1 Mark IIA>
C. <a picture of a DEC 2060>
D. <a picture of a 3 foot spool of coaxial cable>
Answer: D.
2. What is the limiting factor on the speed of paging in modern computer
architectures?
Answer: the number of meters of coax between your 8080 and your floppy disk.
3. Name 100 advantages of personal machines over timesharing machines.
Name 1 advantage of a timeshared machine over a personal machine.
There were a lot of complaints about this question, and we admit it was
intended
as a trick. Several of the people who passed spent over an hour trying to
think
of the advantage of timeshared machines.
4. What is the primary design consideration in designing a modern computer
system?
Answer: How to maximize the ratio of coax to silicon.
5. What was the most important invention for modern computing?
A. ECL and high level logic
B. Advanced cooling technologies
C. Video Disks
D. Cache memories
E. Coaxial cable
Answer: E.
6. What is the most important function of a modern computer system?
Answer: the mail server
7. What is the most important measure of the sophistication of a modern
operating system?
Answer: the complexity of the mail headers it produces.
8. What is the most reasonable power dissipation in modern computers:
A. equivalent to a 2000 megaton nuclear device (e.g. CRAY-1)
B. equivalent to the output of the Hoover Dam (e.g. S-1 MARK IIA)
C. equivalent to a room full of toaster ovens (e.g. a DEC 2060)
D. equivalent to a sexually satiated male mosquito in a room at absolute zero
(e.g. a single board 68000 connected to 90 miles of 300 ohm coax).
Answer: D.
(The next question is from Sue Owicki)
9. Define: A is 'strongly hyperhyperimmune' if A is infinite and there is no
recursive f such that (^Tu)[W(f(u)) ^R A ^Z empty] & (^Tu)(^Tv) u ^Z v =>
W(f(u)) ^R W(F(v)) = empty].
A. show that if A is strongly hyperhyperimmune then A has no infinite
retraceable subset.
B. show that if A is strongly cohesive then A is strongly hyperhyperimmune.
Answer: A - obvious; B - immediate corollary of A.
10. What are the design considerations in a modern display?
Answer: it must display 10^49352 points per inch and run at least at 2 baud (to
support the new, high speed 8080's out on the market).
11. Describe the new generation of 'supercomputers'.
Answer: the MC68000 is...
12. Name the institutions where the most progressive computer systems work is
being performed.
Answer: Bell Labs (C and Unix) because they are part of the phone company and,
hence, like copper wire; Xerox (Altos) because they have cornered the world
coax
market.
13. What units are used to measure the performance of modern computers?
Answer: TIPS - Thousandths of Instructions Per Second.
14. (Methodology> Why is it that large computers (e.g. Cray-1) are no longer of
interest to systems people?
Answer: They run too fast to understand and to use coax effectively. Running
one of these computers on an ultra-high speed network (3 megabit net) would
swamp it.
15. Where are the reliability issues centered in modern computers?
Answer: UHF connectors
16. Define a 'large program'.
Answer: A program that is more than 1/2 a page long or that has less than 10
lines of declarations for each line of code.
17. How may programs have you written?
Passing answer: < 10
Failing answer: > 15
Conditional answer: 10 > x > 15
18. What is the largest program that you have ever heard that a real computer
scientist has written?
Answer: a mail server
19. Why is synchronization research better performed on small, modern computers
connected by a network?
Answer: The coax slows things down so much that you don't have to worry about
deadlocks.
20. Some people say that extremely large programs (> 500 lines) require very
large computers. How do you answer them?
Answer: If they know what they were doing they wouldn't need a large machine.
The fact that they write such large programs means they are doing the wrong
thing.
21. What should we do with people who believe in huge timesharing machines
that
run like hell and who want to write gigantic programs.
Answer: Fail them on the systems qual.
================================================================================
Subject: Computer Stories
================================================================================
The Nine Types Of Users
El Explicito:
"I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya
know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I
can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his
belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."
Mad Bomber:
"Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all
weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning
to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in
WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset
underline more than fifty times in his document.
Frying Pan/Fire Tactician:
"It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for
key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do
anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that
they'd
commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could
get it to compile."
Shaman:
"Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was
above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks
got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect
nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went
*somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks
for the missing information.
X-user:
"Will you look at those...um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics
technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter
while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they
were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.
Miracle Worker:
"But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been
swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file
from it yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
"horse-puckey".
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be
the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.
Taskmaster:
"Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC,
transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to
WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do
things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's
E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system,
account name, or real name.
Maestro:
"Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after
that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like
this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I
picked my nose, like this..."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what
was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to
that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder
while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they
did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same
thing).
Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males):
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please
garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the
user) didn't like it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his
Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning),
when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am
well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her
console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight",
he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K.
"I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to
refresh
my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."
She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in
reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry
point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark
routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM",
she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing
its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about.
"Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her
divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But
Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a coltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think
of is hex!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a
cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride
on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the Sine
Waves, and stopped in the Magnetic Field by a flowing current. Micro-Farad,
attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and
excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential,
raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high
voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and
began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled
"OHM-OHM-OHM". With his tube operating at maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, her shunt overheated, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged
and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night trying various
connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and had lost all it's
field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
solenoids. And with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and
blowing each other's fuses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial
(our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh,
horror).
Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly
was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed
her
variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the
complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents
approached
her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all
sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning
point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she
found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular
expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided
to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see
your angles have a lot of secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely
imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."
"What order are you?" the Brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take
you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by
partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration.
Curly
went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated
and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too
late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom...'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the
oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that
God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and
best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was
the
oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile
responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The world can spot a computer science student from miles off. Ten sure clues:
1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
3. In discussion: is the one who starts laughing hysterically when the topic of
computer reliability is brought up.
4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
6. Thinks a perfect Saturday Night is a fast fsp-connection to a base with
plenty of gifs, and a case of Heineken.
7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
8. Keeps being caught with Playboy by the scanner.
9. Keeps more than 16 sheets of printouts on his desk.
10. Thinks IRC is the perfect way to get dates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night, I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the "Unix Philosophy."
I went to a fast-food place for lunch. When I arrived, I found that the menu
had been taken down, and all the employees were standing in a line behind the
counter waiting for my orders. Each of them was smaller than I remembered,
there were more of them than I'd ever seen before, and they had very strange
names on their nametags.
I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said something
about a "syntax error." I tried another employee with no more luck. He just
said "Eh?" no matter what I told him. I had similar experiences with several
other employees. (One employee named "ed" didn't even say "Eh?," he just
looked
at me quizzically.)
Disgusted, I sought out the manager (at least it said "man" on his nametag)
and asked him for help. He told me that he didn't know anything about "help,"
and to try somebody else with a strange name for more information. The fellow
with the strange name didn't know anything about "help" either, but when I told
him I just wanted to order he directed me to a girl named "oe," who handled
order entry. (He also told me about several other employees I couldn't care
less about, but at least I got the information I needed.) I went to "oe" and
when I got to the front of the queue she just smiled at me. I smiled back.
She just smiled some more.
Eventually, I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt. I asked for a
hamburger. She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?" I knew I'd done
something right. We smiled at each other a little while longer, then I told
her I was finished with my order. She directed me to the cashier, where I paid
and received my order. The hamburger was fine, but it was completely
bare...not even a bun. I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said
"Eh?" a lot.
I went to the manager and asked him about "oe." The manager explained to me
that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them I'd have to
know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for them. He also told
me about "vi," who would write down my order and let me correct it before it
was done, and how to hand the written order to "oe."
"vi" had a nasty habit of not writing down my corrections unless I told her
that I was about to make a correction, but it was still easier than dealing
directly with "oe." By this time, I was really hungry, but I didn't have
enough money to order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody eles's
order to my plate. Security was pretty lax at that place. As I was walking
out the door, I was snagged by a giant Net. I screamed and woke up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax)
a great Adventure (game?) took place...
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It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell script, custodian
of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and
games to the network...
As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a consulate
ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232 decides it's time to
fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU,
is following him only because he appears to know where he's going...
"I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the buffer.
RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process detached itself
from the burning shell of the ship.
The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the attack.
"Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the lieutenant.
"Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a trap thorough
zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on it."
"We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic.".
"What about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open,
and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessable.
Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to."
Meanwhile, in our wandering process...
"Are you sure you can ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried
3CPU to RS232. "This thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug
it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a
lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing
what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them.
Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts for
his
uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how to talk
directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some sort of
interface for 3CPU to connect to.
"How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've delt with him many
times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke
was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they
could get swapped out.
However, RS232 isn't the type to stay put once you remove the retaining screws.
He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk space.
"Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link to
that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better go find
him
before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off, and finally traced
RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an icheck on
the
little RS unit.
"Is this thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size
is all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups
everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up."
Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's
Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and
Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the
screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea for
help from some General OS/1 Kenobi.
"Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out." PDP-1
seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a possible
threat
to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire was indeed tracing this
android, it was likely they would more than charge for cpu time...
"We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some intervals.
They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a elative' path) only to find a vacant
directory...
After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory,
Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the surface of the Winchester
riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the
cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched
hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of
Administrative protection bits.
"State your UID," commanded their parent process.
"We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time on this
system."
"Can I see some temporary priviledges, please?"
"Uh..."
"This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an
obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go about our
business."
"This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your business. MOV
along!"
PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist
(cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf) to a dangerous
netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Administrative
Multiplexers.
As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of a likely file
descriptor.
Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long
ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary
interfaces all were drinking data at the bus.
"#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><?><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of
code.
"He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine.
"Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions.
"I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems."
"I'll be careful."
"You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine.
"This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi, overlaying
into Luke's address space.
"@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first coroutine
as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage protection. With a unary
stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the offensive code.
"I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us."
"The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're looking
for some relocation."
"Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device."
"Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve
nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast enough for you, old
version."
Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the temporary
file
structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed,
"What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!"
Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke
only
BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33.
"It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual)
trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he
whirled to face the parallel processor.
"I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around
any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you."
"Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi.
"Two Bacco, here, my Bookie."
"Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent,
or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves.
Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see a write
cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them.
"Administrative Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand!
Tooie, set clock fast!"
"Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out of
here!"
"Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space! I'll
try to keep their buffers full."
As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters
appeared around the Milliamp Falcon.
"They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?"
"Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you
could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
"Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position
independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through
the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie
started paying off bets.
"Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there
was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."
The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made good
their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo and
the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through system space.
Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space...
Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely by Dec
Vadic.
"Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to find you holding
Vadic's leash. I recognized your unique pattern when I was first brought
aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his header coldly.
"Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you
retrieved any information?"
"Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped. "Perhaps
we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..."
"You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to witness the
test that will make this workstation fully operational. Today we enable the -r
beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME, /usr/alderaan as the primary
target."
"No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted
permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..."
"Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.
A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr.
"1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248, /mnt/dantooine." She
turned away.
Tarchive sighed with satisfaction.
"There, you see, Lord Vadic? She can be reasonable. Proceed with the
operation."
It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate.
"What!" _LPA0: gasped.
"/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We require a
more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em Star workstation.
We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible."
As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby
terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on board,
then
the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The princess suddenly double-spaced and
went off-line.
The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space...
Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally
convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the
terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't
concerned - the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was
losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever MOV
that
had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds
on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess
game...
Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice the
commotion.
"On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember,
the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim offensive
lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere. Listen for the
Carrier."
Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to
him.
This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly. Con Solo,
being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed.
"Forget this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day."
"~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a
few seconds, and reasserted his control.
"What happened?" asked Luke.
"Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's
equalized now."
"We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they cruised
safely through stack frames, they emerged in the new context only to be
bombarded by freeblocks.
"What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly:
/usr/alderaan: not found
"It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's the nearest
file?"
"3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by a
bright flash off to the left.
"Imperial TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where are they
coming from?"
"Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have direct EIA
connections."
As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the link
count was at 3 and climbing rapidly.
"This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory
structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed."
"There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in."
"We have captured a small process, Lord Vadic." reported an Imperial Lackey.
"The ID is that of one which escaped the SIGINT on /dev/tatooine."
"Have it searched thoroughly." rumbled the Dark Lord. "Check it from the
constant declarations to the final curly bracket. Leave no register unturned.
If that data is aboard, I want it found." The Lackey bowed obsequiously and
turned to give the order. In moments, the Milliamp Falcon was swarming with
Imperial Stormtroopers.
"LS scan shows nothing, my Lord. Not even a parity bit. The records show that
they terminated the process shortly after booting up from /dev/tatooine. Any
data that was once on board must have been sent to another file." reported an
Imperial stormtrooper. The Dark Lord glowered menacingly at a nearby
lineprinter, which hurriedly switched itself off, lest it should offend him,
and remained turned off for the rest of the day, causing chaos at board
meetings throughout the giant workstation.
On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled.
"They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't
they see us?". .Con smiled.
"An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in front of your
name?" .Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point.
"Where'd that come from?" he asked.
"Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating
point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks across file system
boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. Still, it's
only
Stormtroopers who would have been fooled by a simple chmod a -r."
"Stormtroopers may not be all we have to contend with." announced PDP-1,
emerging from another directory. "I have felt a strong disturbance in the
Carrier." Solo sneered, but the old man glared at him and he looked away
hurriedly. The Bookie chose this moment to emerge from the cramped bin
directory next to Solo's, with a worried expression on his face. He had
calculated the odds at something like one million to six, and decided that they
sounded even more unattractive in binary and octal, although when expressed in
hexadecimal they were rather less threatening.
There was a noise further down the passageway, as two stormtroopers carrying
a syntax checker entered the Falcon. Noiselessly, Solo leapt up as they passed,
and struck them with something heavy. Luke caught the inert bodies as they
fell.
"What did you hit them with ? " he hissed.
"The manual." said Solo hurriedly. "I listed the entry for grep one day, and
it was so heavy that I thought I'd keep it around for emergencies like this."
Luke looked at him but was unable to decide whether the hacker was serious or
not.
Quickly, they assumed the IDs of the troopers, and, followed by the robots and
the Bookie, who was exploring the possibilities of base 100 to see if it made
their situation seem any better, they made their way to a nearby console.
"I'll deal with that tractor beam." offered PDP-1. Solo glared at him.
"I was afraid you'd say something like that." he said.
"Have you any better ideas ? " demanded the venerable program. "Stay here
until I return, Luke." he instructed. The door closed behind him and he was
gone.
"Where did you find that old relic ? " demanded Solo.
"He's a great program." said Luke indignantly.
"I'll say he is. I bet they were still plugging wires together when he was
written." Solo sneered. "What's he written in ? IPL-IV ?"
Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing
loudly.
"He keeps saying, he's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU.
"Who ? " inquired Solo boredly. The computer adjacent to them took this as an
instruction, and began to list the users currently on the system, together with
their terminal numbers and login times, but 3CPU ignored the interruption.
"I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of the
privileged levels."
"The Princess ! " Luke shouted. "Con, we've got to rescue her."
"Uh huh." said Solo. "That old fossil said to stay here, and I haven't heard
any better ideas yet."
"But she's beautiful." pleaded Luke.
"So's PASCAL, if you like that kind of thing." said Solo, inspecting his ROM
blaster.
"She's got a lot of storage space."said Luke cunningly. Solo looked up.
"How much ?" he inquired.
"More than you can access." said Luke.
"I don't know - I can access quite a lot." rejoined Solo.
"But we've got to save her before she gets deleted !"
"OK, OK. But I'm not risking my life for anything less than a gigabyte>
Our Heroes, still posing as flunkies, escort the Bookie to the detention block.
An official looked up as they entered.
"Who are you ? " he demanded. "What are you doing here ? "
"Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con.
"Permission denied." chorused the subordinates, looking up from their
processes. At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted
"Look out, he's loose!" and started blasting queues, mailboxes and profiles.
The room was full of the sound of untrappable signals, and the low moaning of
the killed processes.
The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when
Luke turned his ROM blaster on them.
"What's going on down there ? " demanded the voice of the super-user from a
console. Solo rushed to the keyboard.
"3 compilation error(s)." he typed in quickly. "Line 34 : syntax error....".
"I'll send a syntax checker down there immediately." promised the super-user.
Solo thought rapidly, no easy task with more than five users on the system.
"Er no, negative, negative. " he stammered. "Situation very dangerous.
Memory fault : core dumped.".
"Syntax errors ? Core dumped ? Who are you ? What's your process ID ?".
"Line 86: Unable to recover from previous errors : goodbye.". typed Solo. He
pulled out his blaster and vaporized the keyboard.
"It was a dumb interface anyway." he muttered to himself as he looked for
something else to kill.
Remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level? Well, they're
still there...
Luke had found the Princess's cell, and opened the door. She looked up:
"Aren't you a little slim for object code ? " she asked. Luke was nonplussed.
"Huh? Uh, the file specification. No, I'm the product of a new compiler which
doesn't generate superfat code. We've come to take you out of here. Trust me -
I'm fully executable." he managed to say.
"So am I." said the Princess somewhat sadly. "That's the problem."
"But we've come to interrupt the termination signal. We're moving you to a
whole new filestore." explained Luke. Quickly, she followed him.
Outside, Solo and Twoie had their buffers full. The room was full of Imperial
Stormtroopers, their white armoured shells shining in the light from burning
machinery.
"We've been trapped ! " shouted Solo.
"I can see that ! " Luke yelled back. "I'm looking for an escape character
now. " Suddenly the Princess snatched his ROM blaster and fired it at the wall.
"What are you doing ? " cried Luke, above the noise of burning ROMs.
"Generating an escape sequence." she screamed and dived into the opening she
had uncovered. Luke did a wait 10 to see if Solo and Twoie had seen them, and
then followed her. The two space pirates followed, Twoie almost getting stuck
in the narrow pipe.
"Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second. The
Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this situation
weren't much better.
"Oh no. " said Luke as he looked around him. "This is awful. We have to get
out of here." The room was filled almost to the roof with the remnants of
programs, interrupted processes crunching underfoot as they struggled through
the morass of convoluted code.
"No chance, kid." muttered Solo, shaking off a piece of shell program.
"Didn't your UNIX Wizard teach you that pipes are unidirectional ? There's no
way back from here."
"But what is it ? " Luke asked, struggling to keep his head above the
hexadecimal soup.
"At a guess, it's the core dump." said Solo. "And it stinks."
"Can't we find a symbolic debugger or something ? " yelled Luke.
"In this mess ? We'd be lucky to find half a compiler. Our only chance now is
those two tinpot friends of yours."
"3CPU and RS232 ? " said Luke. "We've had it then."
Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words "Don't
Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.
"This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away. The
Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared. He popped up
across the pool, shouting, "It's a bug!" and promptly vanished again. Con and
the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared.
"What happened?" they asked in parallel.
"I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically. Maybe it
hit a breakpoint..."
"I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've got a bad
feeling about this..."
"What's that ? " screamed the Princess, as a low grinding echoed through the
room.
"They must have initiated a garbage collection to try to free some workspace.
We've been caught in the recycling mechanism." said Solo through clenched
teeth.
"Is that bad ? " asked Luke.
"Bad ? " echoed Solo incredulously. "When we get out of here they'll be able
to fit us all into a one-dimensional array!"
Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU.
"Shut down garbage collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted. Back in the
control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp interpreter.
"Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two processors. RS232
found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the stack frame they'd
fallen
into to allow a normal return.
Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation, slipping
from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of label_t.
Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he arrived at the
inode table. Activity there was always high, but the Spl6 sentries were too
secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt them to notice the bug
that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a passing iput, he adjusted the device and
inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be
long gone before the locked inode was diagnosed...
Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to return to where the Milliamp
Falcon was grounded. Suddenly he discovered his priority weakening.
"That's not very nice," was all he could say before the cause of the
obstruction became clear.
"I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We meet
again at last. The circuit has been completed."
Having escaped from the core dump when RS232 terminated the garbage recycling
process just in time, Luke, Con and _LPAO, with the Bookie still moodily
calculating odds, made their way through the accessways of the giant
workstation. The Bookie had discovered that by working in base 1000000 he could
get odds of only 10 to 7, and was distinctly cheered by this fact.
Suddenly an alert sounded :
"Message from root (console) ...
All processes are advised that there are intruders in the filestore."
A bunch of bored looking stormtroopers stopped swapping dirty stories about
laser printers and began to inspect the group curiously. The leader opened his
mouth to generate an interrupt, but before he could, Solo had pulled his ROM
blaster and shot him down. The others reached for their weapons and died under
a hail of signals.
"Fork ! " yelled Solo.
"Mind your language." reproved the Princess primly.
"No ! Fork off a new process. You two go that way, we'll go this way, and
we'll meet back at the Falcon." Solo explained. Without hesitating, Luke
grabbed the Princess and dashed towards the nearest exit. Solo headed in the
other direction.
"Where are we ? " demanded the Princess after some moments.
"Lost." admitted Luke. They ran through a maze of corridors.
"This is harder to follow than unstructured BASIC." muttered Luke, still
searching for something familiar. A sign lit up in front of them : 'GOTO the
docking bay : this way'
"I hate to use GOTOs." confessed Luke. "But sometimes it's the only way."
Meanwhile, Solo and the Bookie were being chased by a squad of stormtroopers.
Recklessly, Solo turned and let them have a burst from his ROM blaster. They
hesitated for a moment, uncertain whether to follow, as the Bookie chanted a
native war-cry that sounded terrifyingly alien and primitive through their
helmet speakers :
"3:25 at Newbury, Golden Lass, 25-1." howled the Bookie, waving his arms
menacingly and incomprehensibly. The ruse worked, and the stormtroopers fell
back, and were immediately cut off from the two hackers by a large file
separator.
"That won't hold them long." observed Solo. He quickly reversed a sign on the
wall reading : "Hackers this way." so that it pointed left instead of right,
then hurried down the right-hand passageway.
"Now that's what I call an indirection operator." he chuckled.
The two processes merged again at the docking bay. On the far side of the
bay, Luke suddenly caught sight of PDP-1 fighting a desperate battle with
Vadic.
The Dark Lord's polished black battle shell gleamed in the light from the
flashing Byte-Sabers.
"You are slow, old program." he gloated. PDP-1 was being slowly backed
against the wall.
"You cannot delete me, Dec." he said. "If you try to remove me, I will be
copied into every directory in the filesystem."
"Superstitious nonsense ! " snorted Vadic. "I am the super-user now. You are
nothing but a passing modulation in the Carrier."
"You always overestimate the strength of the Dark Side, Dec." said PDP-1
sadly, parrying a vicious underhand cut that would have ripped him byte from
byte if it had got through. His Byte-Saber slashed at the Dark Lord's data
mask, and Vadic fell back a step, but PDP-1 felt his strength going. The Dark
Lord sensed his weakness and advanced to the kill, his Byte-Saber held high.
"Come on kid ! " yelled Solo from the Falcon's docking ramp.
"PDP-1 ! " screamed Luke.
With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the word was
still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was nowhere to
be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just before he
disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned...
Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon. Con
Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Falcon out of the process, onto the bus and
made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232 were idle, for once. Princess
_LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him, but Luke was still hung from
the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly from nowhere, he thought he heard
PDP-1's voice say,
"May the carrier be with you."
"Hang onto your datafiles ! " bawled Solo. "This is going to be rough. And
if the old man didn't shut off the tractor feed, this flight's going to be over
in less time than it takes to compile a one-line C program." He punched at the
buttons on his console and was rewarded by the sudden surge of power from the
Falcon's powerful RAM. The ship leapt away from the workstation.
"Get ready to fight ! " Solo yelled, making for the ship's defensive
weaponry. "Come on kid, stop moping around with your files hanging open. Get
down there." Luke rose miserably and went down two levels into the lower
turret.
There was a roar, and a TTY fighter hurtled by. Solo tracked it, signals from
his powerful ROM blasters chasing the little starship as it went past. There
was a brilliant flash, and it turned into a rapidly expanding cloud of
variables.
"One ! " yelled Solo delightedly. Luke, in the lower turret, had found a
fighter of his own, and quickly terminated it with an untrappable signal.
"One ! " he shouted back.
"Ten ! " yelled Solo, killing another TTY fighter.
"Ten ? " demanded Luke. "How do you figure that ? "
"One plus one is ten." insisted Solo. "Don't you kids learn anything at
school these days ? " The Bookie snorted agreement from the control cabin where
he was busy studying form tables to try to find the quickest way into user
space. Tentatively, he tapped a few buttons on the computer, and was surprised
when the on-board speaker began to play "The Star-Spangled Banner" all on one
note.
"Twoie - get us out of here ! " Solo bawled. "One hundred ! " he added
quickly, claiming his fourth kill. Luke thought he had got the hang of binary
by now, but his own score of eleven still sounded pitifully small compared with
Solo's.
The Bookie howled something meaningless.
"Just cd /usr then ! " screamed Solo. "I don't care where we go. But do it
quick before one of these guys logs us off for good."
The battered freighter slipped out of user space, its shell still bearing the
scars of Imperial signals. Solo was jubilant.
"We made it ! " he yelled.
"We - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
/=============================================================================\
| |
| We apologise for this disruption to the plot (PLOT?) |
| Normal service will be resumed as soon as po...... |
| |
|=============================================================================|
| |
| Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and |
| RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's |
| eyes boring through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see nothing! |
| A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him. |
| |
| "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which |
| was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't |
| likely to be particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of |
| getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, |
| the Bookie wasn't available. |
| |
| "Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network |
| interface is totally undeveloped," the voice continued. A small furry |
| creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on. Luke's stomach had now |
| joined the rest of his body in loud complaints. Whatever was peering at him |
| was certainly small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come |
| from Alpha Centauri. |
| |
| "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. |
| "Frobozz, y'know. Morning, name's modem. What's your game? Adventure? |
| D&D? Or are you just one of those Apple-pong types that hang around the |
| store demonstrations?" Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps if he couldn't see it, |
| it wouldn't notice him. |
| |
| "H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H |
| @@ @($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?" |
| |
| "No, no," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to |
| become a UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address." |
| |
| "Right address," said the creature. "I'm a UNIX wizard. Device |
| drivers a specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" |
| |
| Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system |
| wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted |
| anything to do with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar |
| microcomputers of his home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you |
| got from drinking too much Coke? |
| |
|=============================================================================|
| |
| Well, for what it's worth, here's what's left of the story..... |
| |
\=============================================================================/
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -an instant later, one of his signals struck home,
and the pilot, momentarily distracted, flew straight into an infinite loop.
"There's one on your tail, Diff." warned Luke.
"Thanks, Luke." said Diff, weaving desperately.
"Don't mention it." said Luke. He watched dispassionately as the TTY fighter
blasted Diff's ship into a million fragments. "What are friends for ? "
In the leading TTY fighter, Dec Vadic frowned.
"Strange. The Carrier is strong in this one." he rumbled. "Leave him to me.
I'll take him myself." None of the other pilots seemed keen to contradict him,
especially since Vadic was notorious for mysteriously closing people's files
and altering their permissions if they annoyed him.
Luke was in the Pipe now, with Ed riding close behind him, gloomily updating
him on the latest casualty figures.
"They got Diff, and Comp, and Comm, and Bin's on fire." announced Ed. Luke
tried to ignore him.
"That's really interesting." he grated. Mantissa's vax-wing wobbled
dangerously.
"Oh hell." he said. "My formatter's not working. I guess I'll have to unlink.
I'm really sorry Luke. Just do the best you can." Luke's response practically
melted the terminal. The three TTY fighters closed in, and Vadic lined up to
kill Luke's process once and for all.
Suddenly, one of the TTY fighters exploded. An instant later, the other did the
same, scoring full marks for consistency, but none for originality. Vadic,
struck by a parenthesis thrown out by the explosion, spiraled into deep
filespace.
"What happened ? " gasped Luke.
"Hi Luke." said Solo, trying to sound unconcernedly natural despite the large
ROM blaster being aimed unwaveringly at his head by the Bookie. Twoie's voice
rumbled in Luke's headphones.
"Remember, Solo, if he does it, that's ten billion you owe me, even though he
is the favourite. You better hope some outsider doesn't come in, or you're
going
be taking out a mortgage on some of your files."
"Of course, of course." said Solo. "Tell me the odds again."
"Vaxhacker : ten to one. Mantissa : one hundred to one. Extras : five hundred
to one." said the Bookie, scribbling figures with his free hand.
"Hey ! I've recovered from my errors. " shouted Ed, dropping back into the
pipe. "I'm with you all the way, Luke." A moment later, a signal from the
Milliamp Falcon blew away his starboard compiler, and he spiraled helplessly
towards the surface of the workstation.
"You shot Ed ! " accused Luke.
"Listen, kid, with one hundred billion riding on this, I'd shoot you too if
this damn Bookie didn't have me cold." said Solo.
Luke shut out his mercenary friend from his thoughts and concentrated on the
port ahead of him. Suddenly, a message appeared on his terminal :
Message from PDP-1 Kenobi (ttyR7)....
"Luke - trust your feelings. Switch off your targeting computer."
"PDP-1 ? " asked Luke. "Is that you ? Why do you want me to switch off the
computer ? "
"Well, let's just say that it's written in COBOL, so you'd probably be better
off with two pieces of string and a six inch ruler."
"I see." said Luke. He switched off the computer.
"Trust the Carrier. Feel the Carrier." pontificated PDP-1.
"Ah go stuff yourself." said Luke and jabbed menacingly at the firing button
with his finger. His signals sped out, straight into the data port. With a
feeling of immense satisfaction, he climbed away from the exploding
workstation.
He was a UNIX wizard now. The whole system was open to him. Recursive listings
held no terrors for him. He could change permissions. He could write programs
in
C. He even knew what vectors were. One day, he might rise to be super-user.
When they landed, Luke ran to the Milliamp Falcon to thank Con. The Bookie
stood
in the hatchway, a smoking ROM blaster clutched in his hand.
"Creep said he only bet in binary." he explained.
The End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guide to BBS Posting
1. Conspiracies abound. If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be
that you're a dirtbag. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will
be doing the entire board a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the boy
scouts and lyndy larouche as co-conspirators.
2. Force them to document their claims. Even if Jane Jones states outright that
she has menstrual cramps, you should demand documentation. If US News and World
Report hasn't written an article on Jane's cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.
3. Use foreign phrases. French is good, but Latin is the lingua Franca of
bbsing. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article.
Other favorite Latin phrases are: "ad nauseam," "post hoc ergo propter hoc,"
"ignorantium" and "misericordium" (and of course, who can forget "semper ubi
sub
ubi?").
4. Tell'em how smart you are. Why use intelligent arguments to convince them
you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member
of
mensa or mega or dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every
exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my sats, psats, gres, mcats, and I can
also spell the word 'meliorare'".
5. Be an armchair psychologist. You're a smart person. You've heard of freud.
You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to
psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in
her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
6. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an american citizen
to post whatever the hell you want to the bbs (as guaranteed by the freedom of
speech clause and screw the fcc). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting
or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
7. Doubt their existence. You've never actually seen your opponent, have you?
And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now,
shouldn't you? Therefore, they don't exist! Call'em an ai project, to really
piss them off.
8. Laugh at whatever they write, a good "hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" should
intimidate just about anyone.
9. When in doubt, insult. If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At
some point during your wonderful career on bbs you will undoubtedly end up in a
flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your
lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this
point, there's only one thing to do, insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, you
do strange things with your frozen dinner!"
10. Make things up about your opponent. It's important to make your lies sound
true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is
a
liar, and a dirtball to boot."
11. Cross-post your article: everyone on the bbs is just waiting for the next
literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From "How to make microwave
popcorn" to "When to hook the worm", they're all holding their breaths until
your next post. Therefore, post everywhere.
12. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about anything
as
long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks add "j/k/r". When they
gripe, call them an jerk for not being able to recognize sarcasm when they see
it.
13. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't
worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really
are. Teny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (yeah, that's the
ticket, it's a forgery!) "someone broke into my account and sent it!", "it's
that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they're all guaranteed
to work.
14. A really cheap shot is to call your opponent a "Communist". By itself, it
really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles, it can make
you a bbs-legend. Mccarthy never had it so good, neither did Nixon.
15. Lie, cheat, steal, kill, leave the toilet seat up.
16. Never denigrate in E-mail. If you do this, then you must really be
desperate
to inflame someone. Wherever this flame war started, keep it there. Everyone
on
the bbs is waiting for the outcome.
17. Watch out for vigilantes. These people will often E-mail you and tell you
that your flame in whatever sub is "not appropriate." What you should do about
this is flame him/her the next chance you get (or sooner). Accuse them of
taking
away your rights guaranteed to you by the freedom of speech (see rule 6).
18. Finally, never edit your posts. This drives'em wild. Be sure to follow up
as
many posts as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The important thing is
to get the "exposure" so that you can be called a "regular" in your pet
bbsgroup. Never press "W" to reply to a post. Too much lucidity that way. Post
in linear logic to each of the previous 5 posts. Separate lines of course. Some
lucidity is required after all, and dump a hundred lines of your favorite
macros
in every post.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What IBM really stands for...
According to Computer Digest (July, 1989)
Retyped from The Report on IBM News Digest November 8, 1989
I Blame Mathematics
I Breaks Monthly
I Bring Madness
I Broke Mine
I Built Mine
I bring manuals
I'd Be Misinforming
I'd Buy Macintosh
I'll Buy Macintosh
I'm Being Manipulated
I'm Beyond Mistakes
I'm Buying Macintosh
I've Become Magnanimous
I've Been Mangled
I've Been Mauled
I've Been Mesmerized
I've Been Misled
Ici Beaucoup Merde
Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly
Icons Bygones My Mom's
Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers
Ideas Bring Money
Idiots Became Managers
Idiots Being Mental
Idle Brain Malfunction
Ifs Buts Maybys
Ill'manners Being Mandatory
Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm
Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor
Illustrious Busy Mice
Imbecile Bad Micros
Imensa Bola De Manteca
Imitable Boring Microcomputers
Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert
Immovable Brash Monolith
Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers
Imperial Bellicose Marauder
Imperialist by Marketing
Impersonal Bellicose Magnate
Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis
In Business (for) Money
Inadequates Becoming Millionaires
Inane Brutish Merchandising
Incompatible Blue Machines
Inconsistent Business machines
Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch
Increasingly Bad Manufacturing
Increasingly Banal Movement
Incredible Bowel Movement
Incredibly Bad Merchandising
Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers
Incredibly Belligerent Merketing
Incredibly Big Manufacturer
Incredibly Big Monster
Incredibly Bloody Minded
Incredibly Boastful Mercenary
Incredibly Boring Manuals
Incredibly Broad Monolopy
Incredibly Bullying Menace
Indecision Breeds Mistakes
Indecorous Big-named Medusoid
Indigestion Bothers Me
Industry Bowel Movement
Industry's Biggest Mistake
Industry's Bulging Monolith
Inept Bulling Menace
Inevitably Bad Marketing
Inferior Before Macintosh
Infernal Biggest Mistake
Infernal Blue Machines
Infinite Budget Merchandising
Infinitely Baffling Motives
Inherently Bad Manuals
Innovation By Management
Insanely Better Marketing
Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity
Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh
Insidious Byzantine Mentality
Insignificant Bothersome Machine
Insipidly Bankrolling Millions
Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer
Install Bigger Memory
Insulting Boorish Manner
Insultingly Boring Microcomputers
Intensely Boring Machines
Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery
Interesting But Mediocre
Interesting But Mundane
Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake
Internals By Mediocrity
International Bit Mangler
International Bowel Movement
Intersmashable Byte manipulators
Into Building Money
Intriguingly Blue Motif
Invented By Maladroits
Invented By Marketing
Invented By Murphy
Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational
It Broke Be
It's Become Monolithic
It's Been Malfunctioning
It's Better 'morrow
It's Better Manually
It's Beyond Monolithic
It's Broke Ma'am
It's Bugging Me
It's Bullshit Mommery
Itty Bitty Machines
Itty Bitty Mentality
Itty Bitty Mouse
Itty Bity Maharishi
intercourse Beats Masturbation
[I]diots
[B]uilt
[M]e
[M]achine
[A]lways
[C]rashes.
[I]f
[N]ot,
[T]he
[O]perating
[S]ystem
[H]angs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors
Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer program that
through fresh application of an old technique - virtually eliminates lost time
due to malfunction of computer components. Called OREMA (from latin "oremus",
meaning "let us pray"), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals
for the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other
elements subject to depravity.
Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and
intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN. It holds
regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic cycle, and operator
intervention is required only for mounting tapes and making responses, such as
"Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter.
Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but Latin
prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU by internal
subroutines.
Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles known
today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as needed, after
the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels are available for
government installations.
In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98. 2 percent the average
down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's spokesman emphasized,
however, that OREMA presently defends only against malfunction of hardware.
Requestor errors and other human blunders will continue unchecked until
completion of a later version to be called SIN-OREMA.
Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the source, W. S.
Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the American Nuclear Society, Jan.
1965.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to program in 'C' - addendum
1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so that
you
never have to move from the platform you love so well.
3] Use very descriptive comments like
/* printf("Hello world\n"); */
before each function call
4] Remember - Carriage returns are for weenies.
- tabs are for those who have not reached weenie-dom yet.
5] Include *LOTS* of inline assembly code.
6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing with
a professional product like yours.
7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow comments
from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's quick,
easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it out.
8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of
already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.
How to debug a 'C' program - addendum
1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
2] If it's all your code then the problem *MUST* be in those unreliable
Standard
Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
3] Claim the bug reports are vicious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
wrote the reports couldn't even *read* your code. How could they possibly
know if there was a bug or not?
3.A] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
Company/School/Wife/etc
would spring for a copy of C++.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Introducing
Studly-OS!!
Version 1.0
The Only Operating System You Will Ever Need!
Preface
Now that HappyNet is up and running, and Leader Kibo is ably directing the
entire world with his custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV (see HappyNet
Manifesto), the fastest and best computer ever built in the history of time and
space (second best was Deep Thought), we at Studly Research, Inc. have come up
with an operating system that is simultaneously capable of keeping up with
Kibo's needs and sufficing for general use by all the rest of the common and
sometimes ignorant citizens of this planet, and of any other planets we can
think of.
No doubt you have been endlessly entertained by the furious religious
operating system wars now taking place on the PC hardware arena. Should you be
content with DOS and Windows? No! Should you switch to OS/2? No! Should you
try your luck running a buggy Windows NT beta? Never! How about NeXTstep/486,
or the upcoming Pink, or maybe Apple's System 7/486, or Linux, or Cray
XMP-OS/486?
None of these!!! We at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with a solution so
superior that the entire industry will soon switch over to our operating system
and accompanying software. Microsoft will fold and Bill Gates will get a job
working at a 7-11, handing out coupons. Apple will also collapse and John
Sculley will be found lying unconscious in a pool with a can of Pepsi and a
hypodermic needle lying nearby. IBM will survive, but will be forced to lay
off another 400,000,000 employees, and eventually end up as a subsidiary of the
Moscow McDonalds. The only surviving companies will be the cheap clone
manufacturers, producing faster and cheaper machines with the label
"Studly-Compatible" and "SPC" proudly displayed on the front panel.
What Is Studly-OS?
Studly-OS is the result of over three decades of intense operating systems
reasearch at Studly Labs, also known as the Studly Laboratories For User
Triumph, or SLUT. Extensive research with actual humans at SLUT, instead of
the trained chimps used in most useability labs such as Xerox PARC*, Microsoft
Barf-- and Borland Snooze--*, has determined that people are less interested in
operating systems that offer a wide selection of native programs, or have a
pretty interface, or simply go 'bing', than they are in the concept of an
operating system that will quite simply solve ALL of their problems for them.
Studly-OS is that operating system.
Not only will Studly-OS make any clone computer, from a ten year-old XT to a
486/330DX10, capable of doing more than all the former operating systems ever
developed, it will also quickly, seamlessly, and invisibly solve all of their
personal problems and make them happy, rich, sexually irresistible and
permanently wonderful.
But What Is The Cost?
Nothing. We at Studly Research, Inc. have gained from our own inventions to
the
extent that we are already happy, rich, sexually irresistible and permanently
wonderful. We are offering Studly-OS to the public free of charge. Every ftp
site will soon be carrying, and running under, Studly-OS, and free diskette,
CD-ROM and Braille copies will be available at bookstores, K-Marts and oil
refineries worldwide.
How Is This Technological Miracle Accomplished?
Most of the developments at Studly Research, Inc. are of course
patent-protected and highly secret, although we do not balk at hyping
tantalizing tidbits of Studly technology, simply to gain free press coverage.
Studly-OS is built around a nanokernel, the advanced descendant of
microkernel operating systems available today. Our crack team of coders,
hackers and pizza enthusiasts took an early beta of Microsoft's Windows NT,
completely disassembled and analyzed the code, and then built Studly-OS by
doing
everything completely differently. We'd like to thank Microsoft for $69 well
spent as a helpful exercise on how not to design operating systems.
Whereas NT's microkernel is fat enough to tip over a bus, Studly-OS's
nanokernel fits in under 1k. Instead of a multiple message queue, Studly-OS
uses
a method where messages are intercepted before the application in question has
even sent them out. We redesigned the Windows interface to appeal less to
schizophrenics and came up with a fully object-oriented system where the
objects
not only were oriented with respect to each other, but oriented themselves to
best suit the individual computer user, including sexual and political
preferences. No longer is the system merely user-friendly, it is positively
user-worshiping!
The Operating System Respects The User
People work in different ways, and Studly-OS automatically adjusts to this,
painlessly, seamlessly, smoothly and invisibly. We realize that most computer
users want their operating systems to pretty much stay out of the way and run
any application they choose to throw at it. Studly-OS handles all file
manipulation. You will never touch another configuration file or menu again!
For example, when the user sticks the first disk of an application in a
drive, or even in between the little air vents in the front of the case,
Studly-
OS automatically determines what the program is, where it should be installed
and how it should be set up, and then proceeds to build the rest of the program
based on the contents of the first disk, taking out features which you will
never use and adding those which the software manufacturer blindly left out.
It then opens the icon editor and lets you create the ultimate icon for that
application, filling in any tedious or difficult painting bits along the way.
It then adds sound and animation to the icon, and while you watch, loads the
application in the background and does your work for you while you play a quick
game of Wing Commander III.
Studly-OS Is Compatible
Not sure if your application will run under Studly-OS?
Studly-OS runs ALL software programs written for DOS (including those using
VCPI, DPMI and Shmoodoo memory management, by rewriting and optimizing the code
before installing) Windows (including Win32, Win32s, Win32c, Win32nb, Win32ack
and Win32thbbth!), OS/2, GEM, AmigaDOS (including games which refuse to run on
any Amiga past a 500), NeXTstep, Unix (Studly-OS maintains a daily-updated
database on every Unix variation in existence, and automatically recompiles any
Unix program in the background to work on your system) TRS-DOS, Apple ][ DOS
and ProDOS, Macintosh Systems 1 through 9, Timex-Sinclair ZX81 programs, Atari
2600, Nintendo and Sega game cartridges, Heathkit HDOS, CP/M (including
utilities that used weird Z80 opcodes), Epson's Q-DOS, Cromenco DOS, RISC OS,
Commodore C=64, 128, VIC-20 and Plus/4 programs, and Coleco ADAM software. If
Studly-OS encounters an application written for a platform it does not support,
it rewrites it to conform to established standards. If Studly-OS senses that a
particular application is not running at sufficient speed, it rewrites the code
until it exceeds the performance on the best hardware available. For example,
one user managed to get Studly-OS to run Strike Commander on his XT with 8-bit
VGA, and noted that the game response was "very smooth, at least 60 frames per
second with no flicker or pauses that I could find."
Studly-OS Offers Superior Compression
Although the operating system itself, due to incredibly tight and sexy
coding, fits into less than 32k of RAM and 500k of disk space, we realized that
most user's applications are reaching such gargantuan sizes that we decided to
include an advanced disk-compression package with the product.
16:1 lossless compression!! Yes, the reason this mythical product was never
released to the marketplace was because we bought it out. Lock, stock, and
barrel. You can compress a compressed file as many times as you like until all
programs are down to the theoretical minimum of 1k! Yet still not lose any
data. Of course, with all your programs at 1k, uncompression may take a little
longer. However, we feel the extra disk space is truly worth it. Most
graphics
files, including .JPGs and .GIFs, can be safely compressed down to less than 32
bytes, especially the nudes, which all look pretty much the same anyway.
Pictures of Madonna can be packed as small as 1 byte.
Studly-OS Is Here, Now!
No Microsoft FUD. No promises of shipments "when it's ready". Studly-OS is
ready and available for you to install NOW! What are you waiting for?
Studly-OS Is Bug-Free!
Others promise, but we deliver. We don't have to name our product 3.1 just
to fool people into thinking that it is a tested system. Studly-OS is, and
will always be, version 1.0! There will never be a need for an upgrade!
And no, if you discover a bug, we don't send in the SWAT team to prove that
you are an inconsiderate moron with the technical knowledge of a squashed gnat
that can't even find his way out of the refrigerator. In fact, if you do find
a bug, we are prepared to give you a $1 million prize, and an all-expenses paid
tour to the fabulous Studly RESEARCH LABS in beautiful Barbados, where you will
get to meet the Studly-OS design team and go for dinner and drinks! Then we
will send out patches to everyone in the world free of charge.
Compare Studly-OS With Those "Other" Systems!
Feature Studly-OS! DOS/ OS/2 NT Unix
Windows
Nanokernel technology Yes! No No Hah! No
16:1 Lossless compress Yes! No No No No
Free Origin game Yes! No No Heh!! Hah!
(rewritten to actually
handle memory the way
sane people would)
Automatically finishes
important work for you Yes! No No No Work???
Free hyper-animator to
make Babylon 5 look
like Popeye cartoons Yes! No No No No
Ten million included
.GIFs, .WAVs and .WOWs Yes! No No No WOWs?
Automatically optimizes
application code Yes! No No Optimize? No!
Makes you feel sexy Yes! HAH!!! No No Sex???
Tastes good with ice-
cream and chips Yes! No No No Food???
Makes Bill Gates seem
like a weenie Yes! Yes Yes Yes Yes
Balances your checkbook Yes! No No No Money??
Washes your car Yes! No No No Automobiles?
Improves self-esteem Yes! No No Worsens Suicide
Makes you rich Yes! No No No sorry
Supports SMP Yes! No Soon Yes Sometimes
Requires SMP No No No Yes No
Message-passing Yes! No Yes Yes Yes
Message-losing No No No Yes core dumped
Message-SENSING Yes! No No No guru
Zen Yes! No No No flower
Software support Great! Lame OK Where? Software??
Technical assistance None needed! No No No ARMM
Documentation quality Great! Docs? OK Huh? grep
General studliness Super! Ouch! So-so ICK! alt.angst
RAM requirements 32k 640k 8 meg 16 meg How much???
Disk space required 500k 1 meg 30 meg 80 meg rm *
OSes supported 24 1 3 3 Support?
Price Free! $60 $99 $495 $0 < n < $oo
Here Are Some Real-Life Quotes Of People Who Have Used Studly-OS!
"I love it! It makes me want to eat!" - Rush Limbaugh
"Since it doesn't have the name Windows on it, it is an irrelevant platform."
- Bill Gates
"We will develop applications for Studly-OS if they sell two million copies in
the first year, but they won't sell more than 25, no matter how many they
actually sell." - Bill Gates
"Would you like fries with that?" - Bill Gates
"It's a beautiful day in the Studlyhood" - Fred Rogers
"Pull the other one!" - Patsy
"This is the most impressive operating system I have ever seen in my entire
life. It makes everything else seem like damp kleenex. However, it will
surely
fail and become a dead operating system and fail and fail fail fail it must
fail!!!! Because it doesn't have the power of Microsoft's marketing behind
it."
- Paul Somerson
"I'm sure I've used Studly-OS before" - Shirley MacLaine
"I will be introducing the new Studly-OS-compliant retroactive moderation
specifications directly to the Net" - Dick Depew
"I'm sorry, but I happen to own the copyrights to the letters O and S. Please
send me all your money right away." - James "Kibo" Parry
"Ack! Pft!" - Bill The Ceo
"StudlyOS sucks!!!1111 Y00 think itz c00l but your rong!!!!!11111 I Cant run it
on my Am1ga so what yoos is it????/ My Am1ga beats yor peecee anyday!!!!!!
!!!11111111 Peecee even with StudlyOS cant beet Amiga because Amiga rules!!!!
Amiga iz better because it is Amiga!!!1111 Nothing else is Amiga!!!11111"
- B1FF
Notes:
* Palo Alto Research Center
-- Boring Applications Rarely Fascinate
--* Stupid Nonsensical Object-Oriented Ziff-Davis Enema
HappyNet, Mondo Zeugma, and O and S are trademarks of Kibo.
Windows is NOT a trademark of Microsoft.
B1FF is a trademark of himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch
Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it
rather humorous.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls
are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To reorder, specify one of the following:
It was actually an April Fool's joke. The IBMer who wrote it intended it for
internal IBM use only, and thus left the correct phone numbers in the memo (the
original one, not the truncated one posted here). The poor guy was _most_
distressed to find customers calling him all day long...
ObMouseTale: We use Microsoft mice in our open-access computer labs. One day
several of them had the balls stolen (like many things that happen here at SPC,
for no discernable reason). I asked my assistant to call up Microsoft and get
some replacement mouse balls.
So, my assistant (hi, Joe!) calls up Microsoft and finally gets routed
through the phone maze to the right folks for spare mouse parts. He tells the
woman at Microsoft "Someone castrated our mice, so we need more balls". She
thought it was hilarious.
A few days later the balls arrive. However, they're for the 400DPI mice, not
the older ones. Back to Microsoft (different woman): "Hello, you sent us some
balls, but they're too big - do you have smaller ones?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geek Speak
The following is a vocabulary list of common words...which are you?
Word Geek Normal
---------- --------------------- -------------------------
Code software instruction cryptic message
Boot load operating system footwear
Virus makes computer sick makes you sick
Memory data storage retained ideas
News Usenet NBC/CNN/C-Span
Mail electronic letters bills/junk mail
FIDO subnet dog
Pen pointing device writing with ink thing
Slip external comm. a fall/undergarment
Tip open line for comm. $$ for waiters/waitresses
Mouse pointing device rodent
Screen terminal face metal mesh
Spool swap device thing that holds thread
thread code structure method stuff on spools
OOP C++ a booboo
Ports serial, parallel.... place where ships dock
Floppy removeable disk limp
Harddrive fixed disk difficult trip
Windows GUI nightmare cleaning nightmare
Root sysadm bottom part of plant
Smalltalk programming language chit chat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Institutes here have been on an electronic time sheet program (called TRAX)
for about a year now. One of the computer people here produced this (name
deleted to protect the guilty).
rantrax Hacker Programmer's Manual rantrax
Name
rantrax - timesheet preparation with random numbers
Synopsis
rantrax [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
Description
rantrax allows the invoker to prepare a Trax timesheet for the user(s)
specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken
from the TIMESHEET environment variable. Options are as follows:
-A anal option (identical to -c)
-a anxious option (average work times are more than the required number
of hours; see also -c and -h)
-B brown nose option (like -a only more so)
-c compulsive option (total number of hours is EXACTLY equal to the
required number of hours; see also -a and -h)
-C<name>
timesheet in the style of <name>, where <name> must be a famous
scientist in /usr/lib/rantrax/models (default is -v, vanilla option)
-d<file>
timesheet(s) prepared for all dates in <file> (default is this week)
-f French option (default is taken from the ~/trax/profile file; if no
file exists, the default is English)
-G Gaussian distribution option (default is Poisson distribution)
-h hostile option (average work times are less than the required number
of hours; see also -a and -c)
-n numbers only option (no finished box is produced)
-L Lorentzian distribution option (available to physicists only)
-N<number>
mean number of hours in timesheet (default is 37.5; this option is
ignored when options -a -B -c -h or -W are used)
-p<file>
projects are taken from <file> (if -p is not used, projects are taken
from ~/trax/profile; if this file does not exist, only C30 and 601
are used)
Printed 5/15/91 5/15/91 1
rantrax Hacker Programmer's Manual rantrax
-P pretty option (style is taken from ~/trax/profile; if this file does
not exist, style 1 is used from /usr/lib/rantrax/pretty; -P cannot be
used together with -W)
-U uniform distribution option (default is Poisson distribution)
-v vanilla option (default; output is a bland timesheet that will not
attract attention)
-W workaholic option (available at M-58 sites only)
Environment
TIMESHEET
is a list of default employees which will be used if none are
specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in
TIMESHEET are ignored.
Files
/usr/lib/rantrax/gov treasury board guide for timesheets
/usr/lib/rantrax/random details on random number generators and on
probability distributions used
/usr/lib/rantrax/models timesheets of famous scientists
/usr/lib/rantrax/pretty how to turn your timesheet into a work of art
/usr/lib/rantrax/screw guide for clogging the system
Bugs
None reported (Who reads this stuff, let alone looks for bugs?)
/usr/lib/rantrax/gov is VERY large; ftp with caution
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While writing a document for some in-house software, the spell-checker in
FrameMaker flagged the word "superuser."
The best correction Frame could offer was "suppressor."
Kind of makes you think...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glossary of Software Engineering Terms
All new
The software is not compatible with previous versions.
Advanced design
Upper management doesn't understand it.
Breakthrough
It nearly booted on the first try.
Capability maturity model
A method of determining to what extent the developer can reasonably be blamed
for the inevitable failure.
Cleanroom
A management technique that applies to horizontal interfaces what the mushroom
technique applies to vertical interfaces.
Compiler
A tool for adding an exciting amount of uncertainty to the size, speed and
correctness of a program.
Computer human interface
The means by which the program conditions the user into never trying all the
things that don't work.
Cost modelling
A means of convincing the customer to pay for whomever you need to keep
employed this year.
Customer
A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
Debugger
A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.
Design
The activity of preparing for a design review.
Design review
A process for ensuring you know exactly what it is you won't build.
Design simplicity
It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
Documentary hypothesis
The discredited notion that software is the outcome of a systematic and
rational process of development, rather than the result of divine inspiration.
Documentation
A process for converting trees into entropy, usually applied to provide
busywork for the people whose employment cannot be justified by cost
modelling.
Domain
A class of applications where failure on one project gives you an advantage in
bidding on the next.
Enhancement
Breaking what you did right and getting paid for it. [see also: maintenance]
Exclusive
We're the only ones who have the documentation.
Field tested
Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
Foolproof operation
All parameters are hard coded.
Formal verification
The construction of an incorrect proof isomorphic to an incorrect program.
Function point analysis
Cost modelling a program by what it won't do, rather than by how big it won't
be.
Futuristic
It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
Incremental implementation
Delivering several partial products each for the price of a complete one.
It's here at last
We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
Maintenance
Fixing what you did wrong and getting paid for it. [see also: enhancement]
Maintenance free
It's impossible to fix.
Meets quality standards
It compiles without errors.
New
It comes in different colors from the previous version.
Performance proven
It works through beta test.
Programs
What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.
Programmer
One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.
Project management
The art of always knowing how badly you're doing your work and how late you're
doing it.
Quality assurance
A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.
Real time
An attribute applied to software that's even more expensive than can be
justified by cost modelling.
Requirements analysis
Determining what it is you can't do before failing to do it.
Requirements engineering
Convincing the customer to want what you think you can build.
Requirements review
Explaining what the customer won't get in language they don't understand.
Reuse
Using an existing product in a new context; especially as applied to
proposals, resumes, disclaimers and excuses.
Revolutionary
The disk drives go round and round.
Satisfaction Guaranteed
We'll send you another copy if it fails.
Software engineer
One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her.
Spiral model
A development model that allows you to fail in a small way several times over.
[see also: waterfall model]
State-of-the-art
What we could do with enough money.
State-of-the-practice
What we can do with the money you have.
Stock item
We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
Structured walkthrough
The process whereby the false assumptions of one member become shared by an
entire team.
Technology transition
Helping people replace old useless processes, methods and tools with new
useless processes, methods and tools.
Testing
A process for ensuring that the product will work in all circumstances that
anybody other than the user can imagine.
Total quality management
A way of teaching your managers five words of Japanese, without any risk that
they will acquire an equivalent amount of competence.
Unprecedented performance
Nothing ever ran this slow before.
User
A harmless drudge.
Waterfall model
A development model that allows you to fail in a big way just once.
Years of development
We finally got one to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The International Typographer's Association has announced an impending
shortage of exclamation marks (sometimes affectionately known as "bangs").
These
poor, put-upon points of punctuation have been overworked in too many pieces of
prose and programming alike, causing the previously plentiful population to
diminish perilously.
All writers of C code and other works of art are asked to help avert the
oncoming crisis by substituting other symbols for the exclamation mark. In C,
this can be done by using the word NOT instead. To illustrate, we'll have to
sacrifice just a few of the brave creatures:
if (! a) /* Old */
becomes
if (NOT a) /* New */
In fact, since this works so well in C, it can be carried over to English as
well. Rather than obscuring the meaning of many sentences, it can help make
them even more accurate. For example,
The Windigent OS release 42 offers much higher performance
and better portability than any other operating system!
becomes
The Windigent OS release 42 offers much higher performance
and better portability than any other operating system NOT
Please start using this system today NOT With your help, we can help save
our precious bangs for future generations NOT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Computers In Crisis: How to Avert the Coming Worldwide Computer Systems
Collapse, by J. T. And M. J. Murray. Forecasts a total collapse governed by a
precise deadline, generates tables showing the chaos that will be unleashed by
the arrival of the year 2000 in a system of 6-digit dates enshrined by the
National Bureau of Standards. 340 pages. Petrocelli. Pub. At $32.95."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as
easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered.
I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life
from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.
- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are The Three Laws of Secure Computing (TLSC)
1) Don't buy a computer
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in. And, finally,
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects,
such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists.
Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make
sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Told to me by my girlfriend:
On her second year in college, a professor came to their class and was telling
them about his new students (freshmen). When he asked them to comment all
their
programs, this is what he got:
- "This program is very nice"
- "This program is very difficult"
- "This program is very interesting"........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Calgary, the computer science department has an award called the Williams
Cup
(as in old stained coffee cup), which is given yearly to the student who hands
in the most imaginative rendition of a regular programming assignment. Anyway,
as the story goes, the cup was awarded to a student who'd done a desk
calculator
assignment. Seems that the prof hadn't specified that you had to do it in
decimal, so his/her program did math with _roman_numerals_. The clincher for
the award must have been his/her programming style, since of course, the
documentation was in _latin_
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend worked for a company that made IC's. It seemed that every few months
their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all
sorts of organic material was introduced into the process somewhere, but they
couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into
the lab. There he found the maintainence crew cooking pizza in the chip curing
ovens!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard recently from an IBM field service manager:
A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises for
blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to run the reservation
database. When the deal was consummated, the proud new owner asked IBM to
install it in a big glass room right behind the receptionist's area so all the
customers could see the flashing lights and spinning tape reels as they walked
in, a testimony to the modernity of the agency. Good idea, except there are no
blinking lights on a 3090. So the service manager offered to build some. They
hired a theatrical designer to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got
curved glass walls to minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind
the "real-looking" facade. The customer declared that it was exactly what he
had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like. Moral: the
customer is always right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lucky Macintosh user had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley Publishing
Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home while he was
away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the burglars left the
room with the Macintosh alone. - Seattle Times 4/30
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From England:
A student starts his summer job at IBM. The manager tells him his first task
is to sweep the floor.
"But", he protests, "I can't do that, I'm a Coventry Poly Computer Science
Student !"
"Well in that case" says the manager, "Your first task is to learn how to use
the broom"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unclear On The Concept
The Met office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early
warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said:
"Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at
risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines."
(News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This came from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" section of PC Magazine.
A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette.
Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive.
The man puts the disk in the drive...
Step 2 : Close the door.
The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the door
to
his office and closes it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her
computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded
that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later, she shows up at his door with the power cord in
her hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our computer (a Unisys thing) has periodic maintanence done on it once a month.
This particular morning the Unisys techies were stumped. The computer was on
but nothing happened on the console (Keep in mind that this computer has 150
terminals on it). After three hours, at $96/hour, one of the techs turned up
the brightness on the monitor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When running QEMM on a 386/MS-DOS machine and the program does a protection
violation, it reports:
General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234
(T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue?
_Try_ to continue? Hmmm...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A CI (Computer Illiterate) reads in the manual that when you save something,
it creates a file. The person saves what he/she is doing, then gets up, walks
over to the file cabinet, and flips through the files, trying to find the new
one.
A CI who follows baseball reads that his computer has 640K memory. The CI
then spends five or so hours trying to figure out how the computer can pitch a
strike-out.
A CI refuses to use a laser printer because he/she fears it will burn a hole
through the paper.
A CI buys a home computer with a hard disk. He/she unpacks the computer,
sets it up, then calls the place he/she bought it from, complaining that there
were no disks in the box at all, hard or floppy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to work in a PC retail store that specialized in Apples. Apparently,
when the Apple III came out, it had a small problem with ventilation and when
the chips would overheat, they would pop partway out of their sockets. When
people called up to complain that their computer had broke, we would tell them
to pick it up about an inch off the desk and drop it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person has just gotten a new printer. She plugs in the printer, walks
across the room, tries to print something with no connection to the printer,
and
then wonders why it doesn't print.
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns
on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and
it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks, "Why did it give me a
keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out
his autoexec.bat file.
He said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a 'dir'. I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and
then it says bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again, he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Does It All Mean?
In Douglas Adams' book "The Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy", there is a
story of how a race of extra-terrestrials built a massive computer which would
provide a final answer to all of their questions.
It took generations to build, but finally they got the computer working.
They fed in copious amounts of data, and then programmed the question, "What is
the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?"
The computer clicked, whined, shook, and worked feverishly for many years.
Upon the appointed hour when an answer was due, huge crowds gathered to witness
the event. The computer was going to give them The Answer to the meaning of
life.
A small slip of paper dropped out of a slot on the front of the monolithic
computer. The chief scientist stepped up and retrieved The Answer.
Taking the paper, he turned to the assembled crowd and intoned The Answer to
all their questions.
"Forty-two" said the chief scientist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smart House
By: Michael Schrage
(Michael Schrage is a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. Copyright 1993 The
Washington Post)
Tele-Communications Inc., the nation's largest cable television company, is
in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas &
Electric Co. and Microsoft Corp. to design a "smart home." The home automation
industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this year to more
than
$5.1 billion by the year 2000.
November 28, 1995
Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is
connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all
the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote
with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm,
like, totally wired.
November 30
Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and
switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few
degrees for my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should
get the universal remote surgically attached.
December 3
Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator
door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -
lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything. Carefully unplugged and
replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from
the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists the
problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote
telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to
be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone
calls; more remote diagnostics. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated
failure mode" - the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while
the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge
and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was
confused so it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this
was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an
hour.
December 7
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates
patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When
these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated,
and
the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The
software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade
- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
December 12
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer
caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the
living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the
refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the
garage door is cycling up and down, and the TV is stuck on the home shopping
channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they
explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Or course, the security
sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal
computer screen:
"Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the Fun Begins... (Be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like HomeWrecker...)" I get out of the house. Fast.
December 18
They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a
shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of
the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus
SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over.
"HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you
didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
December 19
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides, yes,"
says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse
people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if
any
appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a
noncertified on-line service. Everybody's very, very sorry, but they can't be
expected to anticipate every virus that might be created. We call our lawyer.
He laughs. He's excited.
December 21
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get
the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1
upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I
tell him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I notice in today's NY Times that, in the wake of _DOS for Dummies_, the
insult-the-customer bandwagon is picking up steam. New titles being advertised
include "WordPerfect 6 For Dummies" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide To
WordPerfect 6". Here are some titles in the genre that I am currently working
on:
Lotus For Losers
Procomm For Pinheads
The Absolute Moron's Guide To Quicken
WordStar 2000 For The Suckers Who Bought It
Kiplinger's Computer Associates Simply Money For People Who Weren't Loved
Enough
As Children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you use the system in a dirty environment, open it periodically and vacuum
the boards and components with a small vacuum designed for this kind of work.
Don't loosen anything in the process--sucking all the chips off the system
board with an industrial strength wet/dry vac is not covered by your warranty."
- Gateway 2000 User Manual
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an issue of UnixWorlds "Open Computing" magazine:
Why is Client-server Computing like teenage sex:
1. It is on everybody's mind all the time.
2. Everyone talks about it all the time.
3. Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
4. Almost no one is REALLY doing it.
5. The few who are doing it are:
a) Doing it poorly.
b) Sure it will be better next time.
c) Not practicing it safely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?
One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A major corporation bought a Cray to use in R&D. On a tour of the department,
a executive remarked that it was a lot of money for such a small machine. The
engineer countered that it did calculations 100 times faster than their old
machine, allowing them to things they only used to dream of before. Impressed,
the executive remarked it could probably calculate a huge spreasheet of his in
under a second. Sadly, the engineer informed his boss that Lotus didn't make a
version of 1-2-3 for the Cray. At this, the executive remarked, "What do you
mean, it's not PC-compatible?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OS/2 offers 'Neko', a program that sends a skittish kitten chasing after the
mouse cursor. As desktop computers become more powerful, users will have more
clock cycles available for such distractions. We offer the following vision of
what may be to come:
Neko for Windows NT: A stick-figure Bill Gates ambles after the mouse. If
he passes a window he stops to point out the interesting features and makes
promises as to what future versions will offer.
Neko for OS/2 version 2.2: An elephant appears, and runs away from the mouse
in terror. When it runs into a window, it knocks itself unconscious.
Neko for Taligent: As for OS/2 2.2, but the elephant is coloured pink.
Neko for Apple Power-PC: 'Phil', Apple's bow-tied 'agent', runs after the
mouse with a mousetrap. If he runs into a window he drops the mousetrap onto
his foot and jumps around the screen howling in pain.
And finally, Neko for SGI Indy: A fully rendered velociraptor stomps after
the mouse. If it runs into a window, it tears it apart and eats it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date
10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser
printer and top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret
messages about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton
MessagePad.
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a
French-speaking voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly
if the system is on her lap.
1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a
situation like this?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer
used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he
couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100
percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when
standing.
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An
alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Software guy, a Hardware guy and a Mainframe guy are driving across the
desert when they get a flat tire.
The Mainframe guy says, "Well, now we have to get a new car."
The Hardware guy says, "I got a better idea. Let's rotate the tires and see
if we can isolate the problem."
The Software guy says, "Nah, let's run it another thirty miles and see if the
problem reoccurs."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting in
the next seat, "..and where are you going?"
"I'm going to San Francisco to a Unix convention," he replys.
"Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I didn't know there were that many of
you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the "Backbytes" page of the 5 September issue of "Computing":
Computer companies are renowned as pretty ruthless operators. But even
Backbytes was shocked during a recent meeting with Groupe Bull.
A Bull supremo was expounding the virtues of the company's Unix-based secure
operating system, Scomp. Apparently, the system has been awarded the US
Government's second-highest security classification, the legendary A2. The
best that off-the-shelf Unix can manage is a miserable B1.
"We could have gone for A1 level security," explained the guru. "But we
would have to shoot the programmers afterwards and we didn't think that would
be fair."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following item was contributed by Herb Kanner at Apple, and comes from the
July 1991 issue of (ACM's) Software Engineering Notes.
An ancient method for assuring software quality (from Martin Minow)
Is it possible that the solution to the software quality crisis was
discovered in Korea in the 15th century? The following is from Daniel J.
Boorstin, "The Discoverers" quoting, apparently, Kim Won-Yong, "Early Movable
Type in Korea" (1954):
"The supervisor and compositor shall be flogged thirty times for an error per
chapter; the printer shall be flogged thirty times for bad impression, either
too dark or too light, of one character per chapter."
Boorstin continues, "This helps explain both the reputation for accuracy
earned by the earliest Korean imprints and the difficulty that Koreans found in
recruiting printers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These
are all real. (If you must know, I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the
String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are
just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue.
And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a
switch statement'"
a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program
You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or
satisfy this compiler
This struct already has a perfectly good definition
Huh?
This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this
label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your
window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message
Too many errors on one line (make fewer)
Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your
local Apple dealer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Define Your Terms For Software Releases
Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
packing materials.
Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
on any computer monitor.
American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth of
the dBase III Plus Manual.
Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term
AUTOEXEC.BAT.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks
into performing properly.
Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make;
used only in the abstract.
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
wish it had built.
Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".)
Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every
conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they conceive of the day
after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced
by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the
creation of computer manuals.
FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television
reception until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with
simple mnemonic commands.
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
functions that the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he
uses constantly.
Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information.
Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have
returned a registration card.
Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device.
Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions.
Thought Processor: An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure
that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from high school.
Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual.
Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need not
bother with the full color manual.
Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid
litigation by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for
a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away; no free upgrades
or the company would go bankrupt.
Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of
paying to read the weather on their television screens instead of having
Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth.
Warranty: Disclaimer.
Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that
does not offer game programs.
(The previous list of terms was furnished by from the Government Computer News,
November 21, 1988 issue. The original data was provided by the WIC
Connection.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computers Made Stupid
Dr. Computer Science answers computer questions:
Q: What are bits and bytes?
A: Bits and Bytes are what a binary (base 2) computer uses to think. Binary
computers only think about food, so the units of thought are expressed in terms
of eating processes. A bit is the smallest amount of cauliflower your child
can eat and still get away with saying that he has had a bit of cauliflower. A
byte is an entire piece of cauliflower. A byte usually contains eight bits,
unless you are eating on a DEC, some of which allow a byte to vary in size from
a single bit, to 36 bits. This is possible only on a DEC since only there can
your child manage to drop small pieces of cauliflower through the spaces
between he floorboards, leaving fewer bits on the plate. With fewer bits on
the plate, ach bit is a larger percentage of the whole, so a byte gets smaller.
Q: Can I put a double sided floppy disk in the envelope from a single sided
floppy?
A: No. You see, single sided disks were invented because there all have a
single song on the other side. That's why they are the same size as a 45 rpm
record. Unfortunately, the sleeves are hard to remove so playing the songs are
harder than planned. Anyway, who has a turntable with a 45 RPM adapter that
works? Well, you know how dirty all your records get? All that dirt is inside
the record and the sleeve, so if you put a double sided floppy in the sleeve,
all the dirt from the record side will jump on the data and crash your system.
Q: My computer has 2 Meg of RAM. My friend's has 2048K of ROM. Who was more
memory?
A: Your Friend. RAM memory usually forgets everything when you turn off the
power. That means that when the power is off, you have NO RAM memory. ROM
memory remembers everything, even when the power is off. How much more memory
does your friend have? That depends on how much you turn off your computer.
You'd have to keep your computer turned on all the time for you to have the
same mount of memory as your friend.
Q: Why does my disk have free space?
A: It's a bonus from the manufacturer, to make you think you got a bargain.
Notice how that free space decreases as time goes on. That's because your disk
is becoming less of a bargain. When the free space becomes zero, you'll have
only the disk you paid for. This usually causes great depression and concern
because then you realize how little the dollar buys.
Q: Motherboard, daughterboard, backplane, front panel, what does it all mean?
A: That's all sales talk. First came office computers. They were big and
impersonal. Then came personal computers. They were "user friendly". Now, a
computer is no longer a single machine. We have computer families. The daddy
computer talks to his daughters via the motherboard. Nobody drives, they all
take the bus. Or the pulse train. Computers are sometimes like committees,
they have several parts wasting time by doing the same thing at the same time.
They argue a lot about who gets the front seat and who gets to drive. That's
why they need bus arbitration.
Q: What is cash memory, and why does it make computers faster?
A: Cash memory is the part of the computer that remembers how much money you
spent on your computer. The more you spend on your computer, the faster it
will wrk. That's why the million dollar computers work so fast - they have
more csh memory than you do.
Q: But what if I paid by check or a credit card?
A: The computer will find out. Every time you turn on the computer, the cash
memory checks to see if the check was cashed. This is the memory check. The
memory won't work until it's paid for.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More On Sexually Reproducing Operating Systems
William Hamilton is a major figure in population genetics. I heard him speak
at Harvard a few months ago on "Sex and Disease". It wasn't about STDs, but
about his theory to explain the evolution of sexual reproduction. In his view,
sex evolved as a way to ensure genetic diversity in a population, mainly in
response to infectious agents. Diversity helps ensure that at least some
members of a species will survive an onslaught of fatal infection.
The recent viral/worm attacks on Unix systems suggests that operating systems
may have to adopt similar strategies. Instead of a row of workstations running
identical systems, and hence vulnerable to attack, computers will run diverse
combinations of modules drawn from different sources. This will raise the
chance of at least some systems remaining unaffected by the viral attack.
Eventually, the procedure for making a new system could be automated.
Network protocols will be developed to enable a newly-booted machine to collect
its software genome from some number (>1) of parent machines on the network,
randomly selecting the source for each module. Multiple versions of modules
could be stored and used in combination, or kept as backups when one version
fails.
Making this work will require considerably better interfaces between modules
than current practice provides. Either rigorous standard of interface and
contract between modules will be enforced (unlikely) or modules will have to
flexibly adapt to the environment of other modules they find themselves in.
This is probably all to the good.
What is more worrisome is that sexual reproduction adds new evolutionary
pressures that are quite unrelated to basic problems of survival (or
computation). Systems will evolve elaborate mating rituals to attract each
other's attention. These rituals will divert time and energy from the primary
purposes the machines are supposed to serve. The rutting background processes
could come to dominate the activity of the machine, much as the peacock's tail
dominates its appearance. Even worse, the machines might develop genders
differentiation, and male machines would have to spend most of their energy
butting their heads together over the network in fights over the ownership of
the female machines.
Fortunately, such problems can be dealt with the same way we deal with
sexually unruly housepets. Only then will the name Unix truly be deserved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Computer Firm Accused Of Creative Bookkeeping
Federal regulators allege in a lawsuit that 16 former executives of MiniScribe
Corporation altered company books and disguised bricks as computer disk drives
to inflate the company's profits.
The action filed Wednesday by the Securities and Exchange Commission.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994
Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines And No Question Seems To Be Too Basic
Austin, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her
new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician,
made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened
when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman
replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this
little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out,
was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the
computer's operation.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out
there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households,
they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as
foreign as another language.
"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know
anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls
at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus
Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer
Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing
help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as
new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70%
of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls,
some computer companies have started charging help-line users.
The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by
opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's
toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that
the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell
director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."
Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is
at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side-by-side, the phone
wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin manager of service marketing for
AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to
talk to people.
And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by
some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by
technician John Wolf, "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new
Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What
power switch?
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen
that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key.
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, and AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to
control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his
customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking
madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved
over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a
customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old
diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The
customer's response, "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the
typewriter..."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell,
a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive
and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the
phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The
technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer
called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes
of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece
of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
couple friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was software store,
the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find couple of geeks.
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts
beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking his keyboard for a day, and the removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he
was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the
role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the dell technician who once worked
as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by
soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed
threats at his wife and children in the background
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every
time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through
some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the
process.
"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From today's Hi & Lois newspaper cartoon strip:
Clerk [to Hi]: I'm afraid we're out of stock on that item, sir.
Hi: I found it on the rack. I just want to buy it.
Clerk: Sorry, but we can't sell something the computer says we don't have...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone invented a dialog box on for the Macintosh that said:
----------------------------------------------
| Sorry, the computer has crashed. |
| Who would you like to assign the blame? |
| |
| ------------ ------------- |
| | Hardware | | Power Surge | |
| ------------ ------------- |
| ------------ ------------- |
| | Sunspots | | Cosmic Rays | |
| ------------ ------------- |
| -------------- |
| | _Programmer_ | |
| -------------- |
----------------------------------------------
The 'programmer' button was dimmed so you couldn't click on it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared in the April 16 edition of "Making It: A Survival Guide
for Today" by Keith Robinson:
The Warning Signs Of Computer Addiction
Case Study: Dave W.
"I was hip, trendy, happening. I bought a computer because it looked sexy on
my desk at home. I never intended to USE it. Then, for Christmas, my
girlfriend gave me a special program to catalog my compact discs."
(picture of software box that reads:
cdBASE+ Digital Index for your Digital Music)
"It took me a while to figure out how to use it, but soon I was showing it
off."
(picture of Dave and friend; Dave says: "See? I click on the Shirley MacLaine
icon and it displays all my new age CDs!")
Warning Sign #1: Boring Your Friends
"After a while, I noticed my way of thinking changed: I wanted structure! I
sought new items for my database."
(picture of Dave typing away: "Ties: 4 Burgundy, 8 Pink...")
Warning Sign #2: Making Excuses To Use Computer
"Before long, I outgrew simply building lists. I craved logic! Flow! I found
myself in a computer store, asking how to program!"
(picture of "Nerds R Us" computer store, Dave says: "I need to know!")
Warning Sign #3: Hanging Out In Geek Stores
(Picture of salesman speaking to Dave: "The C language is ideal since the
machine-independent code is transportable to other systems simply by linking in
new I/O routines!")
Warning Sign #4: You Understood That
"3 weeks later, I had finished my first program."
(picture of Dave, saying: "It calculates tire rotation for the Volvo!")
"Before I knew it, I was staying up all night, programming."
(picture of Dave; wife calls, "Come to bed..."; Dave replies, "One more
compile!
Just one more!")
Warning Sign #5: Thinking You Can Quit Anytime
"My personal appearance went downhill. I didn't care. My girlfriend left. I
lost my job. I didn't care. I had become, yes, a free-lance programmer!"
(picture of disheveled Dave in disheveled office, eating a Domino's pizza,
answering phone: "Hello, this is Red Eye Software...")
(picture of a person walking up to Dave, who is programming away; person says:
"Dave, I'm from the Nolan Bushnell Computer Rehabilitation Center. With a
brief
hospital stay and minor shock therapy, we can break your addiction and..."
Dave: "Buzz off, doofus. I cleared $2 million last year."
Dave (to phone): "Yeah, Woz, I finished that fax interface:)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard this story from someone who worked for a French company, they had a
problem with a program on punched cards written for them by a US subsidiary.
The programs never worked when loaded in France but the US systems house swore
blind that they did at their end. Eventually, in exasperation, someone
followed
the working set of cards from the US to France. At French customs, they
observed a customs official remove a few cards at random from the deck.
Apparently, the french customs are entitled to remove a sample from any bulk
item (such as grain), so a few cards from a large consignment shouldn't matter,
should it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there's a former supervisor who sat down to use a Mac in the office. Put
his floppy in. Didn't mount. Put another floppy in. Same problem. Tried
three or four times before asking for some help. You guessed it. No floppy
drive. All the floppies were just falling into the Mac, where they had to be
retrieved later by the guy the supervisor called. They taped up the hole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a related note, the MicroLab I work in has a weekly problem with our Mac
SE's. Some user will fail to notice that there's already a boot disk in one of
the two floppy drives, and manage to stuff their disk in there with it.
Sigh... Once a week. Not kidding.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Users do not have monopoly on ignorance. About a year ago, I was in a
university computer lab that contained both SPARC Stations and Macintoshes. I
was working on a SPARC Station. Some non-computer type came into the lab
wanting to use a Macintosh (which he knew how to use). There weren't any Macs
available, so the lab monitor told him to use a SPARC Station, claiming they
were essentially the same thing. The guy sat down at the SPARC Station, stuck
in his disk (the SPARC Stations there had 3 1/2 inch drives), and stared
dumbfounded at the login screen for a few minutes not having any idea what to
do. I had to get his disk out for him by logging in to the machine and running
the eject program, then I sent him back to the lab monitor to demand a
Macintosh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People who use a mouse for the first time are very puzzled: it's moving too
quickly, not acurately enough and there is never enough space on the desk to
reach the end of the screen. I even saw once a secretary (yes...Yet Another
Woman Narration) having not enough space on her desk continuing dragging the
mouse on the wall!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It did not happen directly to me but a friend who installed a computer in a
factory was once called because "that damm thing was not working any more" and
it appear that, as the computer was dirty they cleaned it with a Karcher like
other machines they had! (But yes, it was very clean after!).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another that did happend to me and I swear it's true. As a student I was
working in the computer shop nearby to make some pocket money. One day came an
old man who asked, "I don't know about computers but I'd really like to learn.
How do they work?" The vendor don't know where to begin since there is so much
to explain and says, "Well...the computer is a machine and you speak to it to
make it do things, like graphics, games.." The the man bend over the keyboard
of the nearest computer, examine it and says, "Well?? Well??" and after a
minute
says to us, "Well I'm talking to it and it's not responding!!!" No, it was not
somebody who wanted to make a joke. He eventually came back a few times and
then
bought a computer having learn the very few steps of basic (how to insert a
tape
and type LOAD then press PLAY).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a story that a few months after the British government decreed that
all schools should have a BBC micro, an engineer was called out to one school
that had just got a disk drive. They arrived to find a tape cassette jammed in
the drive and an eight-year-old standing there saying "I told her not to do it"
(of the teacher).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, let's be fair about this. I'd also like the 'stupid techie tricks' as
well. My own favorite is the time I spent all day training a group of managers
how to do advanced dbase programming then had to ask the secretary for help
because I couldn't figure out how to use her phone to call my office. Just
proves, everybody's stupid in something ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend who was in field service for Burroughs, and is currently at Unisys,
tells of the time he went to do some routine PM at a customer site. As he was
getting ready to button up the hardware, he asked the girl who was the operator
for the machine in question to queue up the system status report to the printer
so he would have it by the time he was ready to leave. The silence, nothing
printing, was quite noticeable. Seeing that the printer was off line, he asked
again if she would run the report. "Oh, yes," came the response, "it'll be
printing in a moment. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring." "I beg your
pardon?" "I'm waiting for the phone to ring so the report will print." Mildly
curious, he inquired what arcane influence the telephone had over the system
printer, and piece by piece the story emerged. About 6 months previously, when
she was a new hire, the DP manager had asked her to queue up a report. He was
going to another building, and for some reason didn't want the thing to print
until he got there, so he told her to keep the printer off line so that he
could phone her when he was ready. "As soon as the phone rings, press the
online button, there, and let 'er rip." This she had duly done, and from that
day forward, whenever anyone had called asking for a report, she had taken the
printer off line, queued up the report, and waited for the phone to ring.
No-one at the customer site realised what she was doing, because whenever
anyone would call the machine room to ask where a requested report was, she
would say, truthfully, "It's printing right now."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programmer's Drinking Song
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on a local radio station:
From the person who dropped a rubber band into his computer and all it will do
now is make snap decisions...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Computer Person's Prayer
----------------------------
Our program, Who art in memory,
Hello by the name.
Thy operating system come,
The commands be done,
At the printer as they are on the screen.
Give us this day our daily data,
And forgive us our I/O errors,
As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty,
Lead us not into frustration,
And deliver us from power surges.
For thine is the algorithm,
The application and the solution,
Looping forever and ever.
Return.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
"IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
-------------------------------------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: rob...@stack.urc.tue.nl (Robert Klep)
Newsgroups: comp.os.msdos.programmer
Subject: Windows(tm) '95 source-code!!!!!
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date:
Summer 1994^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSpring 1995
*/
#include <stdio.h>
#include <dos.h>
#include <conio.h>
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99281-95 from:
William H. Gates III
to:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
"I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
_good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
Carry on,
God^H^H^HBill
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo #99683-95 from:
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to:
William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
"Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
"
*/
/*
if(still_not_crashed)
{
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/
create_general_protection_fault();
}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
receipt, to claim against tax.
Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
had...
Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
of their mortgage repayments;
- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
in the most politically acceptable manner), and
- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
realised are infected with a virus.
Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
to your room!"
Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
budget for the next three years.
Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
yuck!)
Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
left the printer off-line.
Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
quarter report is due tomorrow.
In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
accounting software for Power Users.)
Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
banner.
The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
and race it around the desk.
Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
Support to have the problem rectified.
Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
switching between programs.
Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
induce labour when she's late.
Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities,
and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities,
new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of
passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change
their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not
contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or
more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example:
HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position
as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ,
then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in
both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation
for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an
invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month.
Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid.
Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric
representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a
password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT,
ME, or TO because these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which
are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or
diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is
an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each
other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally
adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing.
Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is
actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the
selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed
to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password
from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.
----
The above was clipped from some net somewhere. The author was not
cited, regretfully.
Jim
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A while back, one of our users started a discussion about all the
different types of users that show up on a BBS. This inspired us to
challange everyone on The Stargate BBS to make up a Garbage Pail Kid
type name and a short summery of the Kid's character. If you are under
the age of 20, or have school aged kids at home, you know what we are
talking about....if you fall between the carcks, Garbage Pail Kids are
tasteless little cards that can be collected that feature unfortunates
such as Acne Andy. Well, Stargate never pretended to be a tasteful
board and therefore we are proud to present our collection of....
Modem Pail Kids
Anxious Albert- This user leaves a message to a fellow user on the BBS.
Trouble is, he's so anxious to see if he received a response, he calls
back ever 15 minutes to check, thus preventing his buddy (or anyone
else) from logging on and answering him.
Baud-Rate Bert- This user trys to call a 300 baud BBS at 1200 baud and
waits for the SysOp to pick up the phone after it rings....then he
HANGS UP!
Buffer Bob- This user leaves his buffer open constantly in case
somthing important comes ome the screen. Of course when somthing
important does appear, they belatedly realize that the buffer filled up
a long time ago.
BBS Bill- This is a SysOp who logs onto a BBS for the sole purpose of
advertising his own BBS.
Big-Brother Brent- This SysOp gets his kicks by watching users quietly
while they go about their business on the board. Suddenly, while the
user least expects it, he suddenly makes his presence known, and scares
the user to death.
Blank Betty- A user who leaves a message like this:
................................................and then wonders why she
never gets any responses.
Cautious Charlie- To keep his password secure, this user changes his
password frequently. Unfortunatly, he has a hard time logging on and
doing anything because he can never remember what his current password
is supposed to be.
Chatting Carl- This user insists on trying to chat, even when a message
announces that the SysOp isn't around.
Chatty Patty- This user calls the SysOp to chat just to see if he is a
Big Brother Brent and has been watching her session.
Cheap Curtis- This user looks through every computer magazine to find
the cheapest price for his hardware. He eventually finds out that when
it arrives, it needs so many additional parts that by the time he gets
it all together, he's spent far more than he would of if he had bought
it retail in the first place.
Depressed Dan- This user has spent $150 calling long distance to an out
of state BBS to download a program he has been searching everywhere
for. Thoughts of suicide arise, when upon trying the program, he finds
that it doesn't work at all.
Depressed Dan Jr.- Follows in his fathers footsteps, but gets upset
when he spends 90 minutes uploading a complicated file, and the SysOp
wipes it. These people are always considered to have suicidal
tendencies.
Dippy David- This user logs on but doesn't bother to learn the system
or read any directions and subsequently leaves a lot of /s and .s at
the end of his messages.
Downloading Derek- One of those users who keep downloading files from a
board that doesn't support his computer because he wants the file to
work so bad.
Eggbert Excuse- This user spends plenty of time explaining why he never
leaves any messages on the board, but explainations are the only things
he ever manages to leave.
Feedback Freddy- A user who leaves several rambling messages in
feedback on different subjects and wonders why the SysOp never answers
him.
Frantic Fred- A user who constantly checks his time left on the board
so he won't be suddenly logged off, but never stays more than 5 minutes
at a time anyway.
Fryin' Brian- This user is so impatient to get his computer, modem or
whatever hooked up so that he can being to use it that he doesn't
bother reading the directions cause it takes up too much time. Of
course they end up shorting out everything with a resultant 2-6 wait to
get whatever they fried fixed.
Game Freak Gus- This user doesn't do anything but dial BBSs to get
games, and has no use at all for boards like TFC.
Gullible Gilligan- A user that buys a $8000 dollar computer only to
find that the company that makes the software for it went out of
business 6 months ago.
Hacker Harry- A hacker who breaks into places like a library computer
system and acts like its the greatest accomplishment in the world.
Idiot Irv- A user who posts the smae message twice because they wanna
be sure that everyone has seen it.
Late-Night Lenny- A user who likes to call boards very late (yawn) at
night, starts to download somthing and then decides that they are too
tired to wait and just hangs up leaving the board tied up the rest of
the night. These people usually use 250 baud or less.
Log Off Larry- A user who thinks logging off a BBS means to hang up
whenever they have had enough.
Many Board Mike- A users who is a member of so many boards that he
leaves a message to a user on a local board who in actually uses a
board in Florida.
Mess-Up Morris- A user who maks manis mestaks whil typying mussages und
blams it on littl creatchers sucking data out of fone linez.
Message Manny- A (sometimes) new user who calls a BBS and leaves
pitiful messages begging people to leave him mail.
Never Call Norman- A user who calls a BBS just often enough to discover
that he's been deleted for lack of participation.
New User Ned- Someone that doesn't know anything about running a BBS
yet tries to start one of his own. Most of the time he runs it with
one floppy disk and calls it the best board around.
Nonsense Nick- A user who writes tons of long complicated messages that
no one can figure out.
Novice Nancy- This user selects expert mode and then always lists the
menu anyway.
Once-in-a-While Willy- This user calls a bit more often than Never Call
Norman, but only calls to make sure he is still listed on the user log.
Pain-in-the-Ass Pete- This user reads the messages on the board and
takes the Devil's Advocate side to whatever is current on the board,
being generally obnoxious and boring.
Paranoid Polly- This SysOp wants a copy of your birth certificate and
driver's license before she will let you on the board.
Paul Promise- The one who leaves messages everywhere about his
intentions about putting up a MAJOR BBS, then never gets around to it
because his parents never bought him a modem for Christmas.
Password Pete- The user who changes his password every time he logs
onto a board because he is afraid that his little brother will use it
to log on and ruin his reputation so he'll never be accepted on another
board for the rest of his life.
Perfect Paul- this user insists on leaving messages without any
mistakes al all, and when he does happen to make one, he just aborts it
rather than bother with the editor.
Phantom Phred- A user who calls every day, but never posts anything.
Phoney Phil- Not a real name, just a handle of a user trying to
increase his daily time allotment on a BBS by calling back as different
users. He often wonders why no one else calls the board except him.
Phreaking Phreddie- This modem hacker who breaks into a banks computer
system...and then wonders why the FBI is concerned.
Purging Paul- When asked by the system is he wishes to delete or kill a
message after he's read it, this user is quick to answer YES, only to
get a sinking feeling moments later that the message contained
important information that he thought he had memorized, but hadn't.
RBBS Rob- A person who logs onto a board and goes to expert mode right
away using RBBS commands, even on non RBBSs. He often leaves mail to
the SysOp complaining that the commands don't seem to be working.
Re-register Ralph- Like Never Call Norman, this user registers on a
BBS, but after a while is deleted because he never calls back. Then he
finally gets around to calling the board, finds he's been deleted, and
re-registers on the board, and once again drops out of sight.
Responding Ronald- This idiot posts responses to messages he saw on
another board.
RETURNing Randy- This user constantly hits RETURN while the board is
loading a program and wthen wonders why they keep seeing
COMMAND?
COMMAND?
COMMAND?
Screamin' Sam- THIS USER NEVER USES LOWER CASE SO IT ALWAYS SEEMS HE'S
SHOUTING AT YOU.
Slowpoke Sally- This user types so slowly that the board gets no input
long enough to trigger the time out option and logs the user off.
SysOp Stan- This guy is in LOVE with new BBS programs, and constantly
trys out new ones on his unsuspecting users. However he never bothers
to transfer the user log or passwords which means that by the time you
have re-registered and have waited the 24 hour hold, he has already
taken it down and put yet another one up in its place
Testing-the-waters Ted- Lonesome for some company, this user presses
the chat page cautiously, cause he doesn't want to bother the SysOp if
he's busy...when the SysOp answers he then claims that "I hit the chat
by accident." Depending on how the SysOp responds, the user then has a
nice chat, or if he Is busy, the user has a valid excuse for paging the
SysOp in the first place.
Time Bomb Tom- A user that stays on line for half an hour going from
menu to menu, but not doing anything....when he finally gets up the
courage to actually do somthing, he manages to mess up the board.
Uploading Oscar- This user keeps uploading the same file over and over
using different names in order to take advantage of the 3 for 1 time
ratio and get enough time to download the 1500 block program he's been
hoping to get.
Voice Synthesizer Victor- This user will go to ANY lengths to hear his
computer talk, even though you can't understand a word it says.
Whoops Wilbur- This person logs onto Stargate BBS, writes a wonderful
message full of wit and wisdom, hits a to abort the message, and then
logs off the BBS without ever Posting the little gem...sending it to
the same place where the socks in the dryer go, never to be seen again.
William Writers-Block- This users sees "Use <CR> for new paragraph and
left justify ONLY, "/*" to end.".....and every word of English he ever
learned leaves his head.
Worn Out Wally- This user calls so many boards that the letters on his
keyboard disappear from excessive wear.
Wondering Wally- What Worn Out Wally turns into after the letters on
the keys are gone. The blankness usually comes to them after they
"wake up" from their state of computer hypnosis, caused by not being
able to type. They then start to wonder what happened to the keys.
Words Waldo- No matter how long the message was that was left him, this
users manages to reply in only one word sentences.
************************************************************************
With thanks to all the users of the Stargate BBS and Jean from The
French Connection who provided the incentive for something like this.
888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
After reading the first Modpal kid text file. The users of NEB put
together there own version:
Bulletin bill - the users who will sit a the bulletin menu
for quite awhile and not even read the bulletin.
Amiga An-the sysop who tries to run the biggest Amiga board
in the state on an IBM or and Apple.
Xmodem Andrew -This is the user who has Zmodem or Y-modem
Batch and will download one file at a time using Xmodem-
checksum
Virus Val-will go on every BBS in town and only download
virus and Trojan checkers.
BBS Bill - Calls local and long distance just t o download
bbs programs he will never use.
Hoarding Harald - A user who downloads everything new to
check to see if it is the new version the Archives it never
to use it again or delete it for that manner.
Jumping Jon -A sysop who tight security on his board then
goes on other boards and brags about it.
Misfire Mike - A new user to board who logs on and read part
of and ongoing discussion and feels obliged to leave a reply
with out reading th e rest of the discussion leave the other
users wonder what he is talk about.
Download Darren - The user who seams to only no one key on a
board D for download
HotKey Harold - A user who sets the board on hotkey. Then
types a head of himself filling up the buffer on the board
and then propromply forget where he is going and what to do
when he gets there.
Sleeping Sam - After using a batch download this user falls
asleep at the switch to wake up the next morning with the
keys to his computer firmly imbedded in his face and a
slightly annoyed Sysop wonder why his board was tied up for
over a hour while the user inspected one menu.
Patent Paula-this user will batch download a whole boat load
of files, and sit and watch the bytes tick of afraid she is
goanna miss something wonderful. Even though a few hours
will go by.
Uploading Eunice- Spends 5 hours on a board uploading
worthless files and then uses the extra upload credit to
download like a fiend for another 4 hours!
Scriptfile Sally-A user who has to use a scriptfile on every
board
Hangup Henry-He calls the boards and hangs up in the middle
without logging off, or hangs up in the middle of a u/load or
d/load and hangs up the board.
Call-Waiting Colby- A user that just happens to know
your phone number and the fact that you have call-waiting.
To knock you off of his favorite bbs,
he gives you a friendly phone call, and then call
the board himself.
Xmodem Xenious-Will log on to a bbs that supports zmodem and
this person will be using a comm program with zmodem and
will immediately start downloading with xmodem checksum
Commodore Candy- A user that owns a Commodore 64 with one
disk drive and will go on every board in town bad mouthing
amigas,ibms and apples and will claim her's is the best in
the world
IBM Indy-Same as Commodore Candy except this user will have
one 5 1/4 inch drive and no hard drive and will be on at
2400 baud
Amiga Audrey-Same as IBM Indy and Commodore Candy except this
Amiga user will be using a borrowed Amiga from a friend and
will really own a Radio Shack Color Computer
Time Limit Terry-A person who comes on a board with a open
time limit and downloads and downloads and forgets that there
are other people who want to come on
SPECIAL THANKS TO MIKE Y. JEFF H. AND ALL THE USERS OF
NEB THAT MADE THIS TEXT FILE POSSIBLE FOR WITHOUT THEIR IDEAS
AND SUGGESTIONS THIS FILE WOULD NOT BE IN EXSISTANCE
One more to add: Textfile Tex: A sysop who encourages text
files like this to be put together by users on his bbs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beginners Guide to Computer Language
BIT : A word used to describe computers,as in 'Our son's computer
cost quite a bit '
BOOT : What your friends give you because you spend too much time
bragging about your computer skills
BUG : What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer
screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine
do to you after they get your name on their mailing list
CHIP : The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to
avoid having to leave their keyboard for meals
COPY : What you have to do during school tests because you spend too
much time at the computer and not enough time studying
CURSOR : What you turn into when you can't get your computer to
perform, as in "You $#%&%$#%$% computer!"
DISK : What goes out in your back after bending over a computer
keyboard for seven hours at a clip
DUMP : The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install
your computer
ERROR : What you made the first time you walked into a computer
showroom to 'just look'
EXPANSION UNIT : The new room you have to build on to your home to
house your computer and all its peripherials
FILE : What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours
a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes
FLOPPY : The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to
lack of exercise and a steady diet junk food ( see "Chips" )
HARWARE : Tools,such as lawnmowers,rakes and other heavy equipment
you haven't laid a fingeron since getting your computer
IBM : The kind of missile your family members and friends would like
to drop on your computers so you'll pay attention to them again
MENU : What you'll never see again after buying a computer because
you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant
MONITOR : Often thought to be a word associated with computers,this
word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to
see your hall pass at school
PROGRAMS : Those things you used to look at on your television before
you hooked your computer up to it
RAM : What you do to the side of your computer when it's not
working properly
RETURN : What lots of people do with their computers after only a week
and a half
TERMINAL : A place where you can find buses,trains and really good
deals on hot computers
WINDOW : What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase
a program that took you three days to set up
( With courtesy of Alfred.E.Neumann )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?
OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five
things wrong. . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him
as it would have been for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many Apple Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Faux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many MIS guys (gals) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use
this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As
soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN ...
============================================================================
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,
then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the
else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next
page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone
and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you
want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but
you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the
math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the
middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.
You try to sleep, and think ... "telnet xxx.dreams.heaven"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've been in graphics too long if...
======================================
Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered
whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct
highlights on objects.
You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to
read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the
difference between raytracing and rendering.
You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first
introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and
photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon
from a camel.
You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics
machine.
You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to
support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled
thinking it was even better than TRON.
You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics
problems.
You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected
through the whisky.
You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able
to render this in real time."
You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the
mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer
calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R
and Eric.
You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more
accurate in their terminology.
You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem"
(even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term
"graphics").
You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two
copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a
computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics
board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube
(original).
You get 75% of the above.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE
COMPUTER LAB
_________________________________________________________________
Giving Credit where Credit is Due: My TA for Engineering Concepts, Dan
Kerchner sent this to me. Thanks, Dan.
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for
a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it
on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It
helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to
your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when
it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where
the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on
your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working.
32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire pape this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard &
taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your
neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing
an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key
work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your
keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of
your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya
know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder
it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim
that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,
grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from
under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It
worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to
them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they
geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then
laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the
screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts,
also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the
computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person
and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet
crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil. Note: Tesla Coil - an air-core transformer
used to produce high voltages of high-frequency alternating
currents.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:
-- Joe Mullich, American Way Magazine, Nov. 94
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-)
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely
enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and
three-and-a-half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where
they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries,
you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] Sheep Shagger [ ] Me too-er [ ] Pervert
[ ] Geek [ ] Shouter [ ] Spanner
[ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Cop
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist
[ ] Methodist [ ] Englander [ ] Moron
[ ] Mud Packer [ ] Tube [ ] Liar
[ ] Sir [ ] Twit [ ] Great man on campus
[ ] Madam [ ] Dweeb [ ] Twerp
[ ] Elvis [ ] Moon Beam [ ] Boor
[ ] Citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] Grad Student
[ ] Comrade [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test
[ ] You didn't pay attention to the topic of this newsgroup
[ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] I don't appreciate your sense of humor
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You begged for money.
[ ] Your name is Gareth and you sent me stupid pictures again
[ ] You said "me too" to something
[ ] You suck
[ ] You sent the 'Beep' message
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a fed or a cop
[ ] You posted to more than four newsgroups
[ ] You asked a question without reading the FAQ
[ ] You sent a mail bomb
[ ] You forgot to turn off your capslock
[ ] You are obviously not of the same opinion as me
[ ] You sent a stupid and useless mail messaage
[ ] You bug me with your inane drivel
[ ] I just felt like flaming you
[ ] You replied to my mail far to slowly
[ ] You sent the same mail message again for the 2nd time
[ ] You sent the same mail message again for the 3rd time
[ ] You sent the same mail message again for the 4th time
[ ] You sent the same mail message again for the Nth time
[ ] You didn't stick to the topic of my mail
[ ] You didn't apologise enough for breathing
[ ] you advocated Net censorship
[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
[ ] you threatened others with physical harm
[ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
[ ] you repeatedly showed lack of humor
[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Be the PR guy for The Moonies [Unitarians] for one month
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Give up your E-Mail account for a month
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be the Pope's love slave for one week
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test
[ ] Refrain from using any capital letters for 10 consecutive posts
[ ] Reply to my mails within 1 working day of me posting them
[ ] Always apologise to me for anything youv'e done
[ ] Show due respect to me at all times
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Stop it
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Just don't
[ ] Sleep well tonight (as tommorow I will send you a virus)
[ ] Yor process should have been aborted immediately after logon
[ ] Stop talking such nonsense
[ ] Learn to post or don't post again
[ ] Take you opinions somewhere they may be appreciated
[ ] If you ever post again I shall personally mail-bomb you
[ ] Do us all a favor and crawl into some industrial machinery
[ ] All of the above
End Flame.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?
"Is it PC compatible?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we
were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my
PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed
him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave
oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the
CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is
unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and
said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold
to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not
see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a
inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen
before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if
out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but
the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But
in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we
were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my
PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed
him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave
oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the
CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is
unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and
said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold
to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not
see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a
inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen
before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if
out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but
the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But
in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES
And, yes, they all really exist...
10. dam.mit.edu
9. monarch.butterfly.net
8. gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au
7. drag.net
6. my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
5. tragically.hip.berkeley.edu
4. dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu
3. ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu
2. huh_huh.fire.com
1. vo.mit.edu
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN WINDOWS '98
10.You get $10 off if you voluntarily give them your soul, but it's full price
if they have to force it out of you.
9.It is still possible to fix a sandwich and something to drink while waiting
for Start Up.
8.When you peel off the label on the CD, there's Window'95 label under it.
7.To open Netscape : Press ctrl d, alt 4, tab, tab, spell Nebraska backwards
and press enter, enter your gender, compose a 500-word essay....
6.Entering "Department of Justice" into Organization Field during setup will
crash system
5.New app monitors Bill Gates's wealth for you to see
4.Mix-up in shipping department sends a dog named "Bowser" with every copy
3.A $1 off coupon for Mrs Smith's cream pie with Bill's home address on back
2.Includes sample bugs from upcoming Windows 2000 !
1.Surgeon General has put a warning on Solitaire that repeated use may be
habit forming.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In which ways are Windows 95 and colonialism alike?
Well, one of them takes over a virgin territory and replaces
the old adequately working routines with a cumbersome and
bureaucratical system, takes hold of all the resources there is and
keeps other influences violently out of the territory. Soon it
has engulfed the whole territory and starts to deteriorate, and
after crashing down it leaves behind an utter chaos and
absolutely nothing of the old system in a working condition.
I think the other one is colonialism.
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#include <disclaim.h>
#include <sig.h>