Lists Lists Lists (long!)

1 view
Skip to first unread message

Nathan Mates

May 21, 1993, 3:50:12 PM5/21/93
Since there's been a bunch of lists floating around recently, here's a list
of lists. This and 5 Meg more humor is available via anonymous ftp from in the pub/humor directory.

Nathan Mates

Top 26 Children's Books *Not* recommended by the National Library Assoc.
26. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your
Digestive System.
25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge..
23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.
21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
18. The Tickling Babysitter
17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
12. David Duke's World of Imagination.
11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
9. Legends of Scab Football.
8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't
Remember the Endings to All of them.
5. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's
4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

The More Than Complete Guide to Surrviving Marriot:
1. If you have to look at the card to find out what it is,
don't eat it.
2. If you guessed something completely different than what
is on the card, don't eat it.
3. If you look at the the card and still don't know what it
is, don't eat it.
3.5 If the card has both a Genus and a Species, DON'T EAT IT!
4. Anything of the color puse or blue or matching the walls of
Luetner is out of the question--don't even smell it.
5. If it eats through your plate, don't eat it
5.5 If it eats your plate and asks for more, run away!
6. If the steam off of it eats through the cieling, run away.
7. If it jumps off the table and yells Bonzai, run away.
8. If it yells "Food Fight" run away.
9. If it yells "please take me out of my missery", throw a
fork in it and DON'T EAT IT
10. If it's culture has sufficiently advanced to the use of
simple tools, don't eat it.
11. If you see it every day for a week, don't eat it and please
don't date it.
12. If you think you like something, stop consumption
immediatly, it's just the toxins eating into your brain.
13. If the smell gives you a nosebleed, don't eat it.
14. If the server is wearing radioactive protection gear, don't
eat it.
15. If the server is being dragged into the pan by the entre,
don't eat it.
16. If the server is wearing a Marriot uniform, don't eat it.
17. If the server has open sores all over his body, don't eat
17.5 If the server is drawing a pentegram and chanting in order
to contain the entree, run away.
18. If you get the feeling McDonald's is healthier, don't eat
19. If you start reminicing about the great food in your high
school cafeteria, don't eat it.
19.5 If there is a sudden, unexplained dissaperence of pigeons,
pets, students, and/or faculty, run away.
20. If you get the feeling the decorations would taste better,
leave dinning hall immediatly.
21. If you eat your fork and don't realize it until you go to
take your tray up, get off the damn meal plan.
22. If you have to chew the water or mashed potatoes, don't eat
23. If you start spitting out teeth, don't eat it.
24. If it requires heavey shop machinery to cut, don't eat it.
25. If it qualifies for a senior citizen discount, don't eat
26. If it demands voting rights, don't eat it.
27. If it has a tatto, don't eat it.
28. If you see your dinner reaching for a fork, either grab a
weapon or run as fast as you can.
29. If it develops cold fusion, don't eat it, sell it.
30. If all else fails, DON'T EAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30.5 If all else fails, DON'T TAUNT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
31. If you have to eat it, don't think about it.
32. If you have to eat it, for your own sanity's sake, try not
to think of what it is made of.
33. If you have to eat it, try not to think where it came from
or whose hands it has gone through.
34. Finally, if you have to eat it, don't do so while other
people are watching.
Corralleries to the law:
The other dinning hall is always better (this is just the
human mind's attempt at explaining Marriot and justifying its
continued existence)
The desert on the other side of the dinning hall is always
better (this is because you don't have to look at it nearly as
long and therefore have not fully contemplated what you are
about to put in your mouth.)
Marriot thinks college students only need to eat once a week or
so-- have you seen the schedule for opening in January?
Top Ten Reasons Sheep are better Than Women:
10. You don't have to be in a fraternity.
9. They're always on all fours
8. You don't have to buy them dinner
7. They can't complain
6. Men can run faster
5. Guaranteed to make animal noises
4. Easy entry
3. No foreplay required
2. Wham Bam Thank you Lamb
1. They're always tight

1. People respect individuals who will fight with anyone.
2. You can fight with several people at the same time and not be considered a pervert.
3. You can fight in public and not be embarrassed.
4. You spouse won't mind that you've fought members of the same sex.
5. You can't get syphilis from kicking people in the throat.
6. You can enter competitions of fighters and get trophies and prize money if your technique is good.
7. You can't get a black belt in the kama sutra.
Copyright 1992, Richard Romanowski

1. Girlfriends are cheaper to maintain than computers.
. . . cost of girlfriend maintenance varies significantly from model to model.
2. Girlfriends can become older, but never obsolete.
. . . no, only fat, wrinkled and ugly. I can always buy an upgrade for my computer.
3. Computers cannot iron your shirts or make your food.
. . . just like computers, performance varies from model to model, you always get
exactly what you pay for.
4. Cum makes keyboards SOO sticky - and you can't wash them.
. . . Try the disk drive but remember to cover your disk.
5. Girlfriends function very well during main current breakdowns.
. . . computers don't have PMS!
6. When a girlfriend makes an error, it is not ALWAYS your fault.
. . . if it's not your fault, then whose fault is it?
7. Girlfriends does their own routine maintenance.
. . . once you live with one, you will learn - they require routine maintenance
each and every morning, I just turn my computer on each morning.
8. Girlfriends' memories do not get accidentally erased.
. . . not accidentally, they forget exactly what they want to forget, exactly
when they want to forget.
9. Even if you have been awake all night with your girlfriend,
your eyes are not necessarily red.
. . . it's hard to argue with sex.
10. Computers are totally boring in bed.
. . . they don't steal the covers either.

** The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.

0. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
1. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep
without feeling guilty.
3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
6. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
7. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
8. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.
9. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
A. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.
B. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
C. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
D. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
E. Modems come with an instruction manual.
F. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.

1. - I can't kill the bastard!
2. - Baby, there's something I have to tell you.
3. - What pill?
4. - We are from the tax department, and would like to
look at some of your files.
5. - This is Dr. Smith calling; remember that test you did?
6. - This, buddy, is OUR territory.
7. - You mean you actually ATE it?
8. - We will have to take some tests.
9. - We will have to take some more tests.
10. - Do you have a really good health insurance?

Fu Ling Yu says:

1. Marriage is good deal like taking bath - not so hot once you get used to it.
2. Absent-minded nurse is one who makes patient without disturbing bed.
3. High fidelity is a drunk who goes home regularly to his wife.
4. Marriage is like long banquet with the dessert served first.
5. Slip cover is maternity dress.
6. Kiss is upper persuasion for lower invasion.
7. Cow who gets divorce got bum steer.
8. Nudists are people who go in for altogetherness.
9. Girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
10. Farmer who can't keep hands off wife better fire them.
11. If you want a youthful figure, ask a woman her age.
12. Fellow who lose girl, forget where he laid her.
13. You never know how a girl will turn out until her folks turn in.
14. Aviatrix who fly upside down sure to have crackup.
15. Shotgun wedding is case of wife or death.
16. Madam is someone for whom the belles toil.
17. Bird in hand is not as good as girl in bush.
18. A mistress is a cutie on the q.t.
19. Drive-in movie is wall to wall car-petting.
20. Woman's best asset, man's imagination.
21. Man with one track mind most likely possesses dirt track.
22. It is very easy to lie with straight face, but it's nicer to lie with curved body.
23. Man will often take girl to some retreat in order to make advances.
24. Good resolution is like many a modern girl, easy to make but hard to keep.
25. Boy who know love from A to Z, always make girl say: OH!
26. Sex is most fun you can have without laughing.
27. Eunuch not strange creature, just a man cut out to be a bachelor.
28. The best years of a woman's life usually counted in man hours.
29. Vicious circle is a wedding ring.
30. Next thing to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world.
31. Money is poor man's credit card.
32. I know a girl who started out with a little slip and ended up with a whole new wardrobe.
33. Executive suite better known as sugar daddy.

THE POO LIST............

You know you've pooed. There is poo on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper, you have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 time and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underpants so you don't stain them. This poo leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize it, you've got some more.
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
You poo so much that you loose several kilograms.
You better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there. Usually, it has its head out before you get your pants down.
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house.
CORK POO : ( Also known as a floater.)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowel. My god. How do I get rid of it ??
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
You sit there all cramped up for a few minutes, but no poo.
You wish that you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooed.
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb, and at least three feet long.
MEXICAN FOOD POO : ( Also called the screamer.)
You know it's okay to eat again when your bum stops burning.
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poos don't smell too bad, but this one is BAD !!. Usually this happens at someone else's house and there is someone standing outside the door waiting to use the bathroom.
the barium meal poo : ( after a barium meal xray )
Hits the bottom so fast you think you'll crack the bowl. fetid white in color. three days, and fifty flushes later, it's still sitting there, if a little the worse for wear. only way to get rid of it is to shake it to bits with the loo brush, and flush at the same time.
"Group Think" Shit:
Your shit is NOT going to come out, unless all the other turds around the place exit. Talk's are absolutely sensitive. The wrong word could see you shitting out of your nose.

Our most versatile word... by its stress and inflection it can describe many emotions. No other word can be used with so many grammatical usages. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck.), as an adjective (It's a fucking beauty.), as a verb in its transitive form (he well and truly fucked it up), in the past tense (I am fucked), in the present tense (I am fucked) and in the future tense (well I'll be fucked).
Many everyday expressions show its true versatility.
Denial I didn't fucking do it.
Perplexity I know fuck all about it.
Apathy Who gives a fuck anyway?
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Resignation Oh fuck it.
Derision He fucks up everything.
Suspicion Who the fuck are you?
Panic Lets get the fuck out of here.
Directions Fuck off.
Disbelief How the fuck did you do that?
The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more well known being:-
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"look at all the fucking indians" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all the water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a fucking real gun" John Lennon
"The fucking throttle's stuck" Donald Campbell
"Who's going to fucking know?" President Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll" Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman have a drive" Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
"Watch him, he'll have some fuckers eye out" King Harold
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol" Nikki Lauda
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"She's just a fucking secretary" Doctor Johnson
"Any fucking idiot could understand that" Albert Einstein
"It does fucking look like her" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck" Walt Disney
"Why?- because its fucking there" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its fucking raining?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered showers my fucking arse" Noah
"Fuck the gays" Rev Fred Nile

1. More than 200 people can participate comfortably.
2. You can be as loud as you want and the neighbors won't complain.
3. A video tape of it won't be considered pornographic.
4. Parents like watching their kids do it.
5. Now matter how cold it is outside you can still do it.
6. You can do it twice during the week AND on the weekends without major fatigue.
7. The more you practice the better it gets.
8. Frequent starts and stops in practice only makes the performance better.


1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.


1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

Well, its official. The President-Elect has his work cut out for him.
Here's the Top Ten Things we hear he'll be addressing in his first
100 days in office:
10. Legislation to make the Chicken the US National Bird.
9. Close down Camp David and take over Dogpatch USA for weekend retreats.
8. Magic Johnson as Secretary of Basketball.
7. Ask Madonna to sing Happy Birthday when he turns 47.
6. Financial aid for all those starving, sick people in Iraq.
5. Sister Souljah on the Supreme Court.
4. Sic the FBI on Gennifer Flowers and shut her up once and for all.
3. Pardon himself in advance for any crimes he may commit while President.
2. Get himself a really neat uniform as Commander-in-Chief.
And the Number One Thing he'll do in the first 100 days:
1. Invite the Nation's new Drug Czar, Marion Barry, over to the White House to show him how to inhale.

Top Ten Reason to Vote for Richard Nixon in '92
10. He's Republican... Need I say more?
9. Pat Nixon not mistaken for his mother.
8. Royalties of Miami Vice not enough for Spiro Agnew to live on.
7. Iran-Contra makes Watergate look like "Who Shot J.R." conspiracy.
6. Not only didn't inhale- didn't buy either.
5. Screw Larry King- he can be on G. Gordon Liddy's show anytime.
4. Agnew opposes the installation of Nintendo controllers in the war room.
3. Pledges to free Lyndon LaRouche... and then EXECUTE HIM.
2. READ MY LIPS...I am not a Crook!!
1. He's Tanned. He's Rested. HE WAS FRAMED.

Top 10 Things I'll Miss About This Presidential Election
10. Carole Simpson as Oprah Winfrey for Presidential Debate II.
9. H. Ross Perot talking to the NAACP as "you people."
8. Talk show, talk show, talk show politics.
"Duh" Prediction: You will definitely see more of this in 1996.
7. The abortion debate that I was involved in on this network. Gees!
6. Duke basketball. Oops. Wrong list!
5. Three months of quiet from the Religious Right.
4. Four months of quiet from liberal Democrats.
3. The possibility of a Pat Buchanan/Jerry Brown ticket.
2. So many computer networks, so little time.
1. The Comedy Channel!

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ...
...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... married.
83. on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

52 Good reasons why Beer is Better than Women!!!
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the
babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer,
it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down
an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
out of the sky.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your
enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the
1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. Beer tastes *good*.
96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
grocery store.
100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse
"just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't
accuse you of it.
101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants
game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football
102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the
excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on
channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman"
instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes
like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.

Top 10 Reasons why Ross dropped out a few months ago:
10. Al Gore threatened to dump toxic wastes into the Rio Grande if he didn't drop out.
9. Boris Yeltsin ready to explode huge nuclear device that KGB had tunneled underneath Perot's swimming pool.
8. Emperor of Japan was about to foreclose on entire state of Texas.
7. Robert Stempel had documents to show Ross wanted to cut costs and improve quality by moving General Motors from Detroit to Okinawa.
6. Geraldo was about to do a TV expose about how Ross was the stunt double for Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove.
5. Barbara Bush was going to tell how Ross once tried to poison Millie the Dog.
4. Cancelled checks for hundreds of thousands of dollars he'd written to "Coca Workers Relief Fund."
3. Board of Education spreading story about how Ross Junior pulled an Uzi on a teacher when he was caught cheating on a math test.
2. Pete Rose shooting off his big mouth about how Perot used to place bets on the award of large Government contracts.
and the Number One reason why Ross really dropped out of the presidential race a couple months ago:
1. Videotapes of Father-Daughter-Weekend at Woody Allen's.

The world can spot a cs engineering students from miles off.
The ten sure clues:
1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
3. In discussion: is the one who starts laughing hysterically
when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.
4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
6. Thinks a perfect Saturday Night is a fast fsp-connection to a base with plenty gifs, and a case of Heineken.
7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
8. Keeps being caught with Playboy by the scanner.
9. Keeps more than 16 sheets of printouts on his desk.
10. Thinks IRC is the perfect way to get dates.

The top 10 reasons to vote for Henry Ross Perot on November 3rd.

10. Won't have to pay Clinton's tax on rich. (especially for Perot)
9. Great "problem solver" president. Always solves difficulties by eating can of spinach.
8. Wont quit presidency until after the 2nd year. (he'll come back the 4th)
7. Save taxpayer's money. Instead of using Air Force One on trips, he'll fly over using Dumbo-like ears.
6. Running mate is a famous personality that is capable of taking over
the presidency if something happens to Perot.
5. First president to fire congress.
4. Lives five blocks from Arkansas and knows that Clinton's experience as governor of a small state is IRRELEVANT for being president of the United States. (The governor of Alaska has about the same experience.)
3. Use his own money to hire commandoes to kick other countries' ass instead of using US soldiers.
2. Larry King Live would broadcast from the White House more often.
1. Everyone knows that every munchkin has the powers of the Wizard and the Good Witch of the North on their side.

1. When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
2. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
3. Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
4. Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor-- if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
5. Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the man who throws the salt has dandruff.
6. Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees.
7. To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before.
8. To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun--or have a friend who is.
9. When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.

Top 10 Reasons To Be A Nuclear Engineer

10. you can impress your friends.
9. you can scare your enemies.
8. You can make those Chem guys jealous that your bombs are better than theirs.
7. You'll get to use the pickup line, "Mine glows in the dark."
6. In the event of a holocaust, you'll know where to hide.
5. "Fifty thou a year will buy a lot of beer."
4. You can tell people, "I'm naturally radioactive, so back off!"
3. Nuc E's make better breeders.
2. Nuc E's have better rod control.
1. Just to tick off those Greenpeace guys.

Top 10 Reasons to Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High starting salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks good on a Resume
5. Can calculate head pressure
6. Help you with your math homework
7. Parents will approve.
8. We know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships
9. Find out what those other buttons on your calculator do.
10. The world does revolve around us... we pick the coordinate system.

10 Reasons not to date an engineer
10. T-Shirt & Jeans are their formal dress. Hot dog and a 6-pack is their seven-course meal.
9. The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net.
8. Flames like a monster and speaks like a pussy cat.
7. Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm, daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks.
6. No matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell, he just sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic.
5. Listens to classical rock only. Hates everything from Bach to Prince.
4. Touches his car more than you.
3. Talks in Acronym.
2. Can't leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute.
1. Will file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.

25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

28. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublimal messages.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

10. It's the only Ivy you can't get to by taking I-95.
9. Their band takes itself seriously.
8. The state-school part of their tuition is much too low.
7. They have an entire building dedicated to the study of poultry viruses.
6. You have to walk uphill both ways. In the snow.
5. School of Hotel Administration. 'Nuff said.
4. That really happening Ithaca nightlife.
3. Their founder's first name was Ezra.
2. Their school song is named after a lake.
1. Jumping into the gorge counts as an athletic credit.

Here are a few reasons why Windsor castle got burned...
1. The queen was smoking in bed!!
2. Di's kids were playing with matches.
3. The IRA were invited for a barbeque.
4. The queen was lighting her own farts.
5. She did it for the insurance.
6. It was the inner strife in the family breaking into the real.
7. Andrew heard Fergie was coming round.
8. Somebody heard John Major was coming round.
9. That former palace guard who was fired for his drug problems came back to see if Di was around because he had some *AWESOME* weed, and he got to smoking some, and it really was awesome, and he got too stoned.

10. More sophisticated fashion sense.
9. Love to dance.
8. Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command.
7. Spend less time worrying about hair loss.
6. Old buddies don't show up on the doorstep unexpectedly.
5. Utterly disinterested in professional sports.
4. Your parents find them easier to like.
3. Rarely jealous of your former boyfriends.
2. Willing to hold your purse in public.
1. Unlikeley to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play.
Don't forget:
They don't bitch and moan if you want it and they don't... And if they do and you don't, you can distract them with a cookie!

10 Best Reasons to be an Economist
1. It's a great way to pick up girls.
2. It's as interesting or moreso than being a political scientist.
3. It's a hell of a lot more fun than the "Where's Waldo" club. You get to find the missing money in the deficit budget picture!!!
4. Good pay for sitting around in dressy clothes and discuss what other people should do about problems we all face.
5. Business people will respect you and thus give you great deals on all the best drugs.
6. It's the best way to stay out of politics. If you know what you're doing, then you're totally unqualified for office.
7. The feeling of superiority. Nothing beats talking down to a bunch of people who haven't got a clue and are willing to go along with whatever you say because they assume you know what you're talking about.
8. It's a good way to assure dinner reservations.
9. Early retirement. Hell, the career and the retirement will all seem the same.
10. You sweat a lot less than accountants do.
11. You can tell the girls: -Trust me, I am an economist.
12. You can claim a *reason* for using a portable computer on the bus.
13. Nobody will ever ask you for a few dollars over the weekend.
14. You can read the financial pages while drinking daiquiris in the bar.
15. The ability to coldly stare muscled bullies into the eyes and snarl: - According to Smith's theorem, you are WRONG.
16. You can tell people exactly what the right thing to buy is - and afterwards, you can tell them exactly why it didnt work.
17. You can get a job at any MacDonald's store.
18. Wearing pin-striped suits in public.
19. Getting to join the 'Wall Street'-fanclub.
20. Never be expected to actually *create* anything.

15 Things you too may be overheard saying in the darkroom
1. Hey hey, careful with that thing.
2. You can't expose it to the light.
3. Is it stiff yet?
4. Don't open the door.
5. I can't get it in.
6. How much time is left?
7. I just can't enlarge it to that size.
8. Would you like to see my exposures.
9. Don't go anywhere, we're not finished yet.
10. Use the bath to get rid of the slime.
11. So how does it go in there?
12. It doesn't work the way you say?
13. Check the chart.
14. Oh honey, there goes the buzzer.
15. I always prefer manual enlarging.

How to go insane (n step process)
1. Change majors at least twice.
2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.
3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.
4. Drink heavily.
5. Change .plan weekly.
6. Take both ME and EE classes.
7. Time manage sponteneity.
8. Set record time on academic probation.
9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or
10. Predict female behavior.
11. Perform "mind meld" on chimp or humanities student.
12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.
13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.
14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)
16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right...)
17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)
18. Do anything with a perfectionist.
19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..
20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties...
21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.
22. Procrastinate...
23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.
24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less...
25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less...
26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.
27. Listen to everyone else's advice.
28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.
29. Come up with a new .plan.
30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase "let's just be friends..."
31. Ask a Jehovah's Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?
32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (You'd swear the record was stuck...)
33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.
34. Try to calm down a "type-A" personality.
35. Think about the future... Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?
36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.
37. Believe "It's better to burn out, rust never sleeps..."
38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.
39. Anticipate what you'll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)
40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.
41. Start seeing marriage as an option.
42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.
43. Don't burn your bridges...blow them to Hell.
44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.
45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.
46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. you've just started what's due today...)
47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)
48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.
49. Apologize for guessing wrong.
50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.
51. Try to find someone with the answers.
52. Explain something you don't understand. (great for presentations)
53. Look for lost time.
54. Live with a sociopath.
55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.
56. Stay awake in your most boring class.
57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.
58. Guess what your grades will be every week.
59. Figure out what you'll need to get your grad index to a decent level.
60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.
61. Make fun of religion (realizing that you're damned)
62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either
A. doesn't interest you
B. you don't interest them
C. already has a love interest
D. is everyone else's love interest
E. all of the above.
63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.
64. Conform.
65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (...I've SEEN that!!!)
66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.
67. Make a "Time Management" card, then TRY to stick to it. (I'll sleep next
68. Find some goals. (I'll stop procrastinating next week.)
69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows...)
70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.
71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.
72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.
73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).
74. Have low self-esteem wars.
75. Make up nick-names for everyone.
76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)
77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasn't been done a million times.
78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.
79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.
80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore.
(What am I going to do with you?; I don't know what to tell you.)
81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone who's in love.
82. Figure out how they could have made "Batman" better.
83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.
84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.
85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.
86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.
87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.
88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa
89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.
90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.
91. Keep track of the "soap opera" of changing relationships.
92. Ask yourself "Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?"
93. Keep making the same mistakes.
94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.
95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends. (see #87)
96. Try to be taken seriously.
97. Make a good second impression. (given that you've blown the first)
98. Listen to your mother list eligible women (her friends daughters) and try to keep your stomach from turning.
99. Correct your answers on old finals.
100. Mire in self-pity about your dismal future.

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
(and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

The BORED List
1. Wax the ceiling.
2. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
3. Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
4. Repeat above until failure.
5. Rearrange political campaign signs.
6. Sharpen your teeth.
7. Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
8. Braid your dogs hair.
9. Clean and polish your belly button.
10. Water your dog...see if he grows.
11. Wash a tree.
12. Genuflect to Larwence Welk.
13. Knight yourself and some close friends.
14. Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
15. Flirt with an evergreen.
16. Scare Steven King.
17. Give your cat a mohawk.
18. Purr.
19. Mow your carpet.
20. Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
21. Whine
22. Play Pat Boone records backwards.
23. Re-elect Richard Nixon.
24. Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
25. Listen to a painting.
26. Play with matches.
27. Buff your cat.
28. Raise professional racing ferrets.
29. Paint your orange.
30. Dial-a-Prayer and argue.
31. Read Homer in the original Greek.
32. Learn Greek.
33. Change your mind.
34. Change it back.
35. Watch the sun...see if it moves.
36. Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
37. Recite romantic your toaster.
38. Paint your windows.
39. Flash your goldfish.
40. Paint.
41. Smile.
42. Paint a smile.
43. Shoot at a fire hydrant.
44. Apologize to it.
45. See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
46. Rotate your garden...daily.
47. Plant a shoe.
48. Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.
49. Sweat.
50. Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
51. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
52. Mix and match the parts.
53. Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
54. Take your sofa for a walk.
55. Write a letter to Plato.
56. Mail it.
57. Start.
58. Stop.
59. Dial 911...breath heavily.
60. Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
61. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
62. Carry a tune.
63. Drop it to see if it breaks.
64. Starch your shoes.
65. Contemplate a cockroach.
66. Get a dog to chase your car.
67. Let him catch it.
68. Form a political party.
69. Throw a political party.

70. Climb a sidewalk.
71. Ride a loaf of bread.
72. Annoy yourself.
73. Get angry with yourself.
74. Stop speaking to yourself.
75. Kiss and make-up.
76. Stand on your head.
77. Stand on someone else's head.
78. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
79. Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.
80. Build a pyramid.
81. Paint your teeth.
82. Wear a salad.
83. Speak with a forked tongue.
84. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
85. Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.
86. Shave a shrub.
87. Have a proton fight.
88. Watch a car rust.
89. Quiver.
90. Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
91. Learn to type...with your toes.
92. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
93. Mail it to a friend.
94. Be in the wrong place at the right time.
95. Be someone special.
96. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
97. Request covert assistance from the CIA.
98. Factor your social security number.
99. Take the fifth.
100. Take the sixth.
101. Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
102. Join the Foreign Legion.
103. Learn to write Sanskrit.
104. Learn to read Sanskrit.
105. Exist...existentially of course.
106. Search for buried Nebraska.
107. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
108. Print counterfeit Confederate money.
109. Kick a cabbage.
110. Take a picture.
111. Put it back.
112. Go back to square one.
113. Sand a mushroom.
114. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
115. Play solitare...for cash.
116. Abuse your patio furniture.
117. Run for Pope.
118. If you don't win, run for God.
119. If you still don't win, run for Mayor of Toledo.
120. Write a book about a previous life.
121. Count to a
122. Have your cat bronzed.
123. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
124. Revert.
125. Sleep on a bed of nails.
126. Don't toss and turn.
127. Think shallow thoughts.
128. Run around in squares.
129. Boil ice cream.
130. Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels.
131. Carve your girl/boyfriends a marshmallow.
132. Converse...with a flatworm.
133. Speak in acronyms.
134. Drive the speed your garage.
135. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
136. Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
137. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
138. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
139. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
140. Give your goldfish a perm.
141. Fly a brick.
142. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
143. Excorsize a ghost.
144. Exersize a ghost.
145. Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people.
146. Paint stripes on a lake.
147. Ski Kansas.
148. Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.
149. Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
150. Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
151. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
152. Do a good job.
153. Crawl.
154. Be a side affect.
155. Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
156. Play hockey with your little the puck.
157. Duck.
158. Redecorate your garage.
159. Develope a complex.
160. Join the someone simple.
161. Try harder.
162. Hit the deck.
163. Cut the deck.
164. Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
165. Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
166. Be number six.
167. Sit.
168. Stay.
169. Roll over.
170. Play dead.
171. Scheme.
172. Sprinkle your family room.
173. Cause a power failure.
174. Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
175. Give a lecture tour on the historical signifigance of cream cheese.
176. Wrigle.
177. Be cherubic.
178. Debate politics with a fern.
179. If you lose stop watering it.
180. Donate your brother's body to science.
181. Join Hell's Angels by mail.
182. Wonder.
183. Give your cat a the microwave.
184. Be a square root.
185. Park your car...with a friend.
186. Park your car...with a group of friends.
187. Ask stupid questions.
188. Spew.
189. Surf Ohio.
190. Go bowling...for small game.
191. Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
192. Hang it on the wall in your office.
193. Staple.
194. Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.
195. Contribute to the population problem.
196. Interview a cloud.
197. Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
198. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
199. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
200. Crumble.
201. Crumple.
202. Translate Shakespear into English.
203. church.
204. Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.
205. Do your head.
206. Play card with your swimming pool.
207. Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
208. Send your goldfish to obedience school.
209. Pinstripe your driveway.
210. Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
211. Harness chipmunk power
212. Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.
213. Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
214. Mug a stop sign.
215. Change your name...daily.
216. Go for a the attic.
217. Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
218. Find a witch.
219. Burn her.
220. Regress.
221. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
222. Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
223. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
224. Boldly go where no man has gone before.
225. Jump back.
226. Play to lose.
227. Scalp a VW.
228. Be a threat to the American way of life.
229. Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
230. Re-establish the Roman Toronto.
231. Have your car painted plaid.
232. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
233. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
234. Race turnips.
235. Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
236. Sharpen your sleeping skills.
237. Put out a fire.
238. If you can't find one make one.
239. Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one)
240. Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.
241. Tree a goldfish.
242. Get a college education.
243. Bury your fathers Nissan.
244. Tell your him the dog did it.
245. Catch a falling star.
246. Throw it back.
247. Place your cat in hyper-space.
248. Again tell your dad the dog did it.
249. Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.
250. Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.
251. Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team here}'s dugout.
252. Kickstart your TV.
253. Kickstop your TV.
254. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.
255. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
256. Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.
257. Make a list of things to do when bored.
258. Renumber the bored list...

Things we can Do to Save Our Planet!
1. Save the rainforest, eat a vegetarian!
2. Move off the planet!
3. Stop having children...
4. Don't kill a tree for Christmas, buy a dead one.
5. Save Water, Drink blood!

1. Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
2. Every job lead at Lockheed leads to people who are always at offsite/getting the business/CI/etc meetings
3. Every person you ask for job leads says;"I wish *I* had some job leads"
4. People you talk to outside of Lockheed say,"You could try company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months ago."
5. Fellow co-workers on AFR talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
6. People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead of "How's it going?"
7. There is a 60 minutes crew at your office door.
8. (Applies mostly to women) You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
9. Your ex's lawyer calls.
10. You wake up face-down on the sidewalk
11. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
12. You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your office
13. Your twin brother forgets your birthday
14. You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any
15. You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city
16. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife
or The man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your husband
17. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
18. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don't have a waterbed
19. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
20. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache
21. Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
22. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
23. You wake up and your braces are locked together
24. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose
25. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
26. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
27. Your income tax check bounces
28. You put both contact lenses in the same eye
29. Your pet rock snaps at you
30. Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.

24 Things to do Instead of Studying for Finals
24 Have a root canal
23 Eat dirt
22 Go to all of your classes
21 Clean out your bellybutton
20 Make crank calls
19 Gamble borrowed money
18 Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
17 Talk to yourself
16 call 976-anything
15 Try on all your clothes at one time
14 Try on all your clothes one at a time
13 Memorize the phone book
12 Play your records backwards
11 Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
10 Go to the airport and meet people
9 Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
8 Start new rumors
7 Hold your breath till you pass out
6 Rub your eyes till you see stars
5 Fry ants with a magnfying glass
4 Set every clock in a building foreward
3 Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
2 Go Christmas Caroling by yourself
1 Post 24 things to do instead of studying which your sister wrote for a local paper

50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don`t forget to use the phrase "Told
you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University:
(What chance d'we have!)

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. Because He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. He stated all his results without proofs.
4. And it had no references.
5. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
6. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
7. He made his graduate student (Mohd/Jesus) do all the work
but did not list him as co-author.
8. He also never explained why some graduate students*, with low
GRE scores, were working for him in the first place.
9. He never presented his own results, let his graduate
students do all the presentations.
10. His data on creation of world in 7 days has been
11. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done
since ?
12. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
13. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat
His results.
14. He never wrote a grant proposal.
15. His research, not matter how useful, was never approved.
16. He never replied to mail, phone calls, emails, etc when
other researchers wanted technical data from him.
17. He never fully explained his reasons for letting
Dan Qualye to be born.

*: Mohd/Jesus (other prophets) were illerate persons.

These are the top ten rejected slogans for PEPSI..
10. When RC Cola just isn't good enough.
9. Guaranteed to attract Yellowjackets.
8. Pork: The other white meat.
7. Crisp & Clean & enough caffine to make George Burns MAMBO!
6. Its Fizzy and Brown.
5. Sodium Benzoate: Always Had it Always Will!!
4. The Mild Corrosive you can Drink!
3. The NEW official soft drink of Clarence Thomas.
2. Gives you that phlegmy feeling in the back of your throat!
1. Suck me through a straw!!!!

10. "EAGLE? I thought you said BEAGLE."
9. "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
8. "There are 2 o's in Bob, right?'
7. "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
6. "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
5. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
4. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
3. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
2. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice
waving effect."

Top 10 Reasons Why Sleep is Better Than Sex
10) You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
9) No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.
8) You won't complain in the morning about not getting any.
7) You don't have to pay for sleep.
6) You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
5) Sleep can last a good eight hours. (or even more)
4) You can sleep in church.
3) While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone you want.
2) Your teddy bear never complains.
1) It's legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states.

You know you're from Hamilton!, Ohio when:

1. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
2. You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
3. When someone asks to see your I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
4. Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.
5. Your mother does not remove the marlboro light from her lips before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
6. You have used lard in bed.
7. The primary color of your car is bondo.
8. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
9. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
10. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the
Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
11. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
12. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
13. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
14. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty
milk jug in the truck.
15. You have a rag for a gas cap.
16. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
17. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
18. You bar-B-Q spam on the grill.
19. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a
good time call _______ "
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. Redman chewing tobacco sends you christmas cards.
22. You bought a VCR so you could tape Big Time Wrestling while you
were at work.
23. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
24. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
25. You view the next up-comming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
27. You call the boss "Dude."
28. You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
30. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
31. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
"House of Tattoos."
32. Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry has on
opening at the Lube Rack.
33. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
34. You believe that an adult is thirteen years old.

1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she
dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you're sure you can
get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a
5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a "lull."
6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get
drunk with your buddies.
8. Thous shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a temporary alcohol
induced standards derating."
10. Thous shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having
"a good personality."
11. Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or
number ten.
12. Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
13. Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
14. Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor's wife unless she covets back.
15. Thou shalt always leave the seat up.

Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I'll bet you didn't.
Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later, you fucking bastard!
Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.
Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon,
Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
Front: I heard your whole family got shot.
Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.
Front: Congratulations on your first period!
Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red!
Front: Thank God you aren't pregnant!
Inside: I might have had to admit I've had sex with *you*.
Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do,
Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside: Thank God this time you didn't leave as much blood on my bumper!
Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.
Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?
Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!
Front: Get well soon.
Inside: I sick of walking two miles to get water.
Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside: Now get ready to lose it.
Front: Hot damn!
Inside: I'm sorry to hear that your house burned down.
Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
Front: When life deals you a hard blow
Inside: So can I, big boy.

Interpreting Your Graduate Research and Thesis/Dissertation Defense!
What your Advisor Says: What You Advisor Means:
---------------------- ----------------------
1. Look on this as a learning You're going to suffer.
2. Let me explain the format of Let me make you even more nervous.
the defense.
3. I'm here to lend you support. I'm here to destroy you so you won't
look smarter than me.
4. I found the overall concept This is my token compliment before
interesting. ripping your ideas to shred.
5. I would like to have had more I didn't read it.
to study this [your work].
6. I have some concerns about the I hate the theory but I can't insult
theory upon which your study is the author so I'll insult your work
based. instead.
7. There are some aspects of the I read it, but I just don't remember
study I would like to hear more anything about it.
8. Your hypotheses are not strongly You came up with an innovative idea and
enough linked to the existing I want to make sure you never do it
literature. again.
9. Your research is an interesting Why didn't I think of this before you
extension of my own work. did ??
10. You have failed to take into You failed to cite me.
account some of the more relevant
11. I would like you to explain..... I don't know anything about this stuff
so you'll have to explain it to me.
12. Your statistical results don't I don't understand statistics.
seem to support your hypotheses.
13. Your selection of statistical I'm the only one here that understands
tests is rather simplistic. statistics and I wanted to rub it in.
14. How did you ensure that you had I had to come up with at least one
drawn a random sample ? question and this one always works.
15. Let's wrap this up. I'm hungry.
16. [at the end of the defense]
Could you step out of the room We decided beforehand to give you your
while the committee comes to a degree, but we still wanted to make you
decision ? sweat.
17. You don't need to worry about With 75% "F" rate, outcome is not hard
your qualifying examination. to guess.
18. You need to include two other Let my hatchet men/women in or else...
faculty members in your committee.
19. This looks like publishable work. Now I can get two-three papers out in
my own name.
20. How is the research going ? What's up, "doc"?

Know what to do during the weekend, but stuck when it comes to the
rest of the week? Your troubles are over. But we want to see you
people out there trying this stuff, really. No excuses.

-Play with Lego's naked.
-Try on your grandma's dirty underwear.
-Hit on your dad's new wife.
-Order pizzas toa fat kid's house all day.
-At easter, make Ex-Lax bunny molds and distribute them at nursing homes.
-Mow a dirty word in your lawn.
-Steal stuff from Chess King and pretend to be really bummed if you get caught.
-Self liposuction.
-Pour a little of everything in you medicine cabinet into the toilet bowl and
-Do laps around the Burger King Drive-Thru window.
-Give yourself paper cuts for pleasure.
-Put salt on a bird's tail.
-Lawn job the University president.
-Attend open Greek rush meetings for the free food.
-Leave class to masturbate in the bathroom and return with a smile.
-Go to Cuzzin' Richie's late at night.
-Call your mom, pretend you're the police, and tell them you were found dead.
-Dye your jeans.
-Write a resume in crayon.
-Sell your extra chromosomes.
-Play Spin the Bottle with family members.
-Find the phallic symbols in "Alladin".
-Buy 00 cent English Muffin Sandwiches and coffee and Dunkin' Donuts.
-Start a foil ball.
-Make your own Tub monkey.
-Send letters to Kennedy.
-Watch the movie "Eat the Rich" and plan your own revolution.
-Break into your old high school.
-Light off a brick of fireworks in front of your friend's house.
-Call your professors at 4 a.m. and ask about upcoming assignments.
-Request Genesis during Sonic Occurances.
-When you see Taylor Horowitz, call him Perot.
-Throw snowballs at the short bus.
-Test a friendship.
-Add a silent number to your name - i.e. Th3om.
-Challenge the women's crew team to a rematch.
-Steal lawn ornaments.
-Take a survey of how many people look at the toilet paper when they wipe.
-Cross breed with indigenous wildlife.
-When you see Ben Zipkin, shake his hand.
-Put brown dye in crystal pepsi.
-Try to store your food like the Vikings did (what you're thinking is
probably right).
-Replace Disney Movies with porno at your local video store.
-Eat your hands.
-Yell swear words when the bank teller leaves the drive-up window.
-Rearrange MUB Pub tables to spell something.
-Play the penis game in the MUB.
-Do your laundry and cook food at other people's parties.
-Sleep with the same sex more often.
-Get a tattoo of a hickey.
-Join SCOPE just to meet the bands.
-Masturbate at the playground.
-If you're a guy, turn yourself into a girl temporarily.
-Call skinny guys with mustaches "Rick."
-Order free stuff under a false name.
-Ski the cocoa snow.
-Douse your cat with water and put tape on its paws.
-Toast a friend with two glasses of your urine.
-Check out all the books at the library and cram them all into the book return
four weeks later.
-Grow your own penicillin.
-Turn off the lights and listen to Ween.
-Pour salt on slugs.
-Eat at Jack-in-the-Box and ask for it rare.
-Put razor blades in the return slots of pay phones.
-Ponder Chelsea Clinton, and enter her name in your Masturbation Rolodex.
-Practice parallel parking.
-Make your own beer. You don't have to 21 to buy the equipment.
-Commune with your Chia pet.
-If you're male, pee with the seat down; if female, pee standing up.
-Mosh at a funeral.
-Staple your cat to another cat.
-Venture into the secret UNH tunnels.
-Call all the girls who pass you in the MUD "Jen" and see how many respond.
-Atari Hockey.
-Pretend you bunted and see who smells it.
-Ask how you get to Week's Traffic Circle from Boston.
-Use clear gerbil tubing in foreplay.
-Go to pet stores and knock on the fishtanks.
-Work up a blister just to pop it.
-Volunteer at a soup kitchen and don't show up.
-Corn starch and water...hours of fun.
-Make your own potassium nitrate bomb.
-Form a band, everyone at UNH has a band.
-Buy a goldfish and eat it in the store.
-Deliver a baby with tongs.
-Eat your food while you shop at the Durham Market Place.
-Put a circuit breaker in backwards.
-Give yourself a barium enema in the MUB.
-Drown yourself in your enemy's pool.
-Think about one thing for six hours straight.
-Go to Chuck E. Cheese's drunk.
-Plagiarize something.
-Sell oregano to junior high kids.
-Fast for no reason.
-Condom puppets.
-Drink Bosco.
-Rent all eight "Wrestlemania"'s.
-Start a toe nail collection.
-Stick your finger in your belly-button and smell it.
-Separate the pubic hairs from the body hairs in your tub.
-Take a dip in the family gene pool.
-Put a Nike swoosh on you Doc Martens.
-Change your horoscope sign.
-Try Prozac.
-Think of all the different ways to feather your hair.
-Lick your mate's armpit.
-Write your name with urine in the snow.
-Ask the shoe representative at Zayre's about the merchandise.
-Pluck your eye-brows like Mr. Spock's and ask people how it looks.
-Play with a tooth until it falls out.
-Ponder where the one calorie in a can of Diet Coke is.
-Smoke catnip.


20. Sneak out with a thermos filled with the ice cream scoop water.
19. Congratulate her on her performance in American Gladiators.
18. After dinner, stick around and play a few games of Monopoly or Twister.
When she comes after you (and she will!), yell "Right hand red, Maria!"
17. Eat a banana without peeling it first. When she comes after you (and
she will!), point at Joe Blake and say "From him, all right! I learned
it from watching HIM!"
16. Bring in one of your notebooks and steal grapefruits in it.
15. Move all the tables to the corners of the room, hang a mirrored ball
above the salad bar, and disco to the music playing on the speakers. When
she comes after you (and she will!), show her how to do the Funky Chicken.
14. Bring in scientific equipment and study the bacon. When she comes
after you (and she will!), say that you are studying new life forms.
13. Everyone bring in chicken and Stove Top and give it to the lunch ladies.
12. Sit on her lap and tell her what you want for Christmas. Then ask her
to sit down and do it again.
11. At lunch, ask for only one french fry. When you finish it, go back
and ask for another one (on a new plate). Continue process until you
cannot lift your tray.
10. Yell "NORM!" at the top of your lungs whenever you see her.
9. Dress up in polyester pants and vertical-striped shirts. She'll have
an identity crisis.
8. Pull on her beard as she walks by.
7. Take one bowl of each type of cereal and put milk in all of them. After
you finish the first bowl, throw the rest out. Complain that they
serve soggy cereal.
6. Smuggle in a garbage bag and steal the entire contents of the salad bar.
When she comes after you (and she will!), claim that you are an advocate
for vegetable rights and ask to see the taco meat.
5. Carve "J.R. '54" in one of the bagels and put it back.
4. Ask her if she is circumcised. If she says she is female, ask to see ID.
3. Rearrange the letters in "WELCOME TO MARIAS CAFE" to say "WOO!
2. Kill a horse. Dress up like a delivery boy (or girl), bring it into
the kitchen and say "Delivery for Maria!"
1. Bring barstools and eat your dinner at the salad bar. When Maria
comes after you (and she will!), yell "Another beer, Norm?".


1) Play "Car Bomb" by Negativland on repeat all day long.
2) Get a fishbowl with no water in it and suspend dead or plastic fish
with string inside the bowl. Feed them.
3) Speak another language that noone knows.
4) Dress alike and call eachother the same name.
5) Get a big chiming clock and everytime the clock chimes stand outside
your door and smile at the elevator.
6) Set up a pentagram in the middle of the room. Chant daily.
7) Attach furniture or small pieces of stuff to the ceiling.
8) Juggle rubber chickens outside the neighbors door.
10) Make it common knowledge that you are writing a book called, "How to
Destroy Your Neighbor, and Eat His Soul." Post signs asking for
test subjects.
11) Slip bill collection notices under your neighbors door at night,
threatening retribution from "Philipe and Guiseppe" if payment
is not made soon.
12) Play role playing games by yourself in the hall.
15) Compose Gregorian Chants about little children.
16) Buy a fog machine and occasionally come out of the smoke filled room
with soot on your face (after playing Car Bomb)
17) Wear lots of make-up
18) Enter the shower wearing all your clothes and hang your robe on the
hook. Leave wearing only a robe.
19) Put up a large contraption that covers one wall and call it a juicer.
20) Build a large metal sculpture in your room and occasionally weld it.
21) Tell people the murder scenes in "Faces of Death" were unrealistic.
Offer to show them what it really looks like.
23) Pet eggs.
24) Ask to borrow your neighbors clothes.
25) Force your neighbors to borrow your clothes.
26) Knock and sniff at everything in their room. When they ask what you
are doing, smile and stand at attention, stating your social
security number, your room number, your phone number, your
birthdate, anything with numbers in it.
28) Hide some of your possessions in your neighbors room. Come into
their room ranting about how they've stolen these possessions.
31) Collect Barbie Doll limbs. Paint blood on the stubs.
33) Dress up like Spiderman and leap around the room.
38) Dance when there is no music.
40) Play a musical instrument such as guitar without strings.

* Nathan Mates * MSC #850, Pasadena CA 91126
* No fancy quote, no disclaimers for irate employers, no .sig-- oops,
* Too late for that! Several Megabyte joke collector and IIGS hacker
* operating out of Caltech, the world's best place for an education!

Reply all
Reply to author
0 new messages