Canonical List of Confusciusisms

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Andrew L. Roberts

Jan 26, 1993, 8:47:07 AM1/26/93

Confucius say:

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission
grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with atletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Boy with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

When lady say no, she mean maybe
when lady say maybe, she mean yes
when lady say yes, she no lady

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his
son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit
at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!

There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.

Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.

Man who put head on railroad track
get splitting headache

He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.

He who refuses to listen is lying.

He who stands in corner with hands in pocket
doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.

Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.

Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an
indeterminate length.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..

Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.

He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and
he who sniffs Coke, drowns.

Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!

Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Boy who play with himself pulls boner.

Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.

Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.

Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.

Man who put rooster in freezer over night have frozen cock.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man piss in wind, wind piss back.


If any one can confirm my spelling of "Confuscius" I'd be grateful.


Dennis Chong

Jan 27, 1993, 11:58:45 PM1/27/93

I believe the commonly accepted spelling among scholars of Chinese history
is "Confucius."

But thanks for being interested!

OBJoke: (From Reader's Digest, reprinted w/o permission)

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child
trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy
stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for
you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.
"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Tan Chade Meng - with Dan

Jan 28, 1993, 1:10:30 AM1/28/93
to (Andrew L. Roberts) writes:
: ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

: If any one can confirm my spelling of "Confuscius" I'd be grateful.
: Andrew

It's spelled "Confucius".

Popular believe:
Confucius says: "If you cannot convince, confuse".


Jan 30, 1993, 12:24:28 PM1/30/93
In article <>, (Tan Chade Meng - with Dan) writes:
> (Andrew L. Roberts) writes:
> : If any one can confirm my spelling of "Confuscius" I'd be grateful.
> It's spelled "Confucius".
Actually, it is spelled Kung Fu-Tse, who actually wrote one
whole joke, thus:
Man who have tiger by tail afraid to let go.
......and in case you were afraid to ask; Yes! it is the same
Kung Fu.
"Ich am of Irlonde" (medieval fragment used by Yeats)
John McKeon, Material Science Dept. University of Limerick, Ireland

Stein Kulseth

Feb 1, 1993, 3:54:30 AM2/1/93
In article <>, writes:
|> > : If any one can confirm my spelling of "Confuscius" I'd be grateful.
|> > It's spelled "Confucius".
|> Actually, it is spelled Kung Fu-Tse, who actually wrote one
Well, actually not, he was from china, you know :-)
-- [X.400] [internet]
'When murders are committed by mathematics, they can be solved by
mathematics. Most of them aren't, and this one wasn't'
- Nick Charles (Dashiell Hammett's "The Thin Man")

Andrew A. Spencer

Feb 2, 1993, 9:11:08 PM2/2/93

In a previous article, (Andrew L. Roberts) says:

>Confucius say:
Woman worth her weight in gold and probably cost as much!


Tan Chade Meng - with Dan

Feb 4, 1993, 10:44:42 PM2/4/93
Could the person who posted the original list of phony Confucius sayings
pls post it again. I did not have a chance to capture it on my disk.



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