Canonical List Of Business and Sales Humor 3/4
Too Live Krewe
-= office humor =-= 54 =------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter
1. I'm really keen to work for you - I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have
worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.
================================================================================
== BUSINESS HUMOR ==============================================================
-= business humor =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------
A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an MIT
C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system.
It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an undergraduate
in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood. After months of
programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally
done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen:
-> Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command.
Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in:
-> Request: Bank Street Advisor, compute the secret to success on stock market.
The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one
ominous flashing word: 'working'. Carmine is nervous. He paces around.
Nothing's happening. Waits more. Hum. Nothing's happening. Waits still more;
nothing. To take his mind off of the wait, Carmine does some business work:
Evicting widows and orphans, and so forth. Well, to make a long story short
(too late already), days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "working."
The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate, but still no answer. Carmine's
frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! sell! sell!
Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up:
-> Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar.
-> Buy Low. Sell high.
Carmine's not amused (probably neither are you). In desperation, he types in:
-> Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best
financial advice you can give me? How can i stop wasting money?
The answer's fast:
-> Sell the computer.
Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to
do is phrase his requests correctly.
-> Request: How can I predict which stocks will go up in value?
Curiously, the answer doesn't take long:
-> Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice.
Carmine tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors ask. "Yeah, it works.
What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"
-= business humor =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------
Courtesy of the N. Y. Times, heard on Bob Rosefsky's "Money Talks" spot on
KABC radio:
Sylvester Stallone will begin shooting a new movie next week, which will
outdo anything he's ever done in mayhem and violence. It's called "Rambo Gets a
Margin Call".
The latest merger rumor has Shearson Lehman teaming up with Payne Webber.
They will call the new firm Sheer Pain.
E. F. Hutton has come out with a new portfolio idea for the small investor.
It's 50% in cash and 50% in canned goods.
-= business humor =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------
A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?"
The man said no and hung up. Ten minutes later he called again and asked for
Mr. Spenser, his broker.
The operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr.
Spenser has died. I'm not making this up."
The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and
asked for Mr. Spenser. The operator was irked by this time. "I've told you
twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for
him when I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."
-= business humor =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------
Yet more from the Program Trader Nelson article (WSJ, Oct 13, pg 39):
One time, a broker typed in the wrong password (on the Bankers Trust
computer), which happened to be another broker's password. "So they both had
this same list of securities. I get a call from a broker saying, 'I'm trying to
buy XYZ and it keeps getting bid up out there.' We couldn't figure it out. Then
it suddenly dawned on us that (two different brokers) were working the same
list." Both brokers were getting the same list of stocks to buy and sell, and
were bidding against each other.
-= business humor =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------
CEO document contents:
Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive
Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.
1. Introduction
The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.
2. The Conception
The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.
Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.
3. Methods
3.1 Sterilisation
The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilisation methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are:
- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.
- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.
- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.
3.2 Abstinence
This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include:
- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)
- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.
3.3 Rhythm Method
This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.
3.4 Withdrawal
This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.
3.5 The Sheath
The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:
- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting!)
- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.
3.6 The Cap
As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihilation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:
- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up
- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions
- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)
3.7 The IUD
IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavors described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilisation (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:
- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about
- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.
3.8 The Pill
The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.
One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.
4. The Contracept Strategy
The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.
5. Conclusion
This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.
-= business humor =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------
(From "Best of Business" magazine, Winter 1989)
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in Japan in 1987: $350 million
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in the United States in 1987: $324 million
-= business humor =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------
Light Bulb
International Business Machines Corporation
Documentation #XQ37569214
The Obfuscation Elimination Facility for The Replacement of the Multitasking
Incandescent Illuminating Radiation Source Driven by Electromotive Force.
-= business humor =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
-= business humor =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------
A Grim Fairy Tale - Corporate Boat Race
Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto company
decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they
were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their moral
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective
action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8
people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the
Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering
Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new
performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work
harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of
the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted
development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting
firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
-= business humor =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------
Dead Broker
A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker. The
operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has
died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The
operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is
dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."
-= business humor =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------
CEO problems
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with
three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't
think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a
downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he
remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the
feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall
Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous
experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on
difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the
third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
-= business humor =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Get Better Service On Your Machine
1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is okay.
3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several
references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear
that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the
machine will be back in service.
7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and
pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a
schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too
much money anyway.
14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine
is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to
the company's home office.
15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem is.
-= business humor =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------
HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big
day, they were as ready as they could be. HP won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was
set up to investigate and report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after three
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his
summary presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.
Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:
"The guy rowing has got to work harder"
-= business humor =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag
onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in
the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!"
-= business humor =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------
Some Do's And Don'ts For All You International Business Travellers
(Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments)
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis. (sic)
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number
of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water served
here.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours
- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.
On a toy doll's package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here
speeching American.
-= business humor =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------
Pipe Specification
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length; do not use holes of
different length to the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter) - otherwise, the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or
other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied
at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted
pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will
save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor knows it's a
long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short
pipe.
8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-
hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill
pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the
wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not
mix the threads; otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it
is being unscrewed fron the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit,
tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.
17. Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are
not approved of in engineering circles.
-= business humor =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------
An American, a German, and a Japanese are serving as monitors in a U.N.
peacekeeping force. They are captured by the anti-democratic rebel forces, and
told that, as representatives of "regressive regimes", they will be shot before
a firing squad at daybreak.
Morning arrives. The Japanese national is led before the firing squad and
offered a blindfold. The captain says to him, "Do you have any final words,
imperialist pig?!"
The Japanese man replies. "Before I am killed, I would like to take just a
few moments to explain the importance of Total Quality."
Whereupon the American jumps forward and pleads, "Please! Please! Shoot me
first!"
================================================================================
== SALES HUMOR =================================================================
-= sales humor =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street one day and he saw a "Salesman Wanted" sign
in a window. He went in the store the owner came out and said "Can I help you?"
"I'I'IIII w'w'waannnttt j'j'jjoooobbbb." said the man.
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking problem."
said the owner.
"I'I'III h'h'avvee a'a'a wif'f'fe annd 6'6' k'k'ids a'a'ndd I'I n'neeeed
th'th'e j'joobb." said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H'here'sss your mm'money."
said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him
out.
The man came back in two hours and said "H'here'sss your mm'money."
The owner said "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than
anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they
come to the door?"
"W'welll" said the man, "III r'r'ing the d'd'oor b'b'ell a'a'nd
s's'say 'M'M'aaddammm, d'd'o y'y'ou w'w'ant t'to b'buy t'this B'Bible o'o'rrr
d'd'o y'you w'w'w'ant m'me t't'o read it to you?"
-= sales humor =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a
knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while
she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and
says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
-= sales humor =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Tooth Brush Salesman
A man walk into a department store, finds the manager and says, "I really
need a job, how about giving me a chance?" Manager says, "Sure, but you have to
sell these 500 toothbrushes in a week to get the job." Our hero takes the
toothbrushes and leaves.
Next week, he comes back with the toothbrushes and finds the manager, "I
didn't get any of these sold, but please, _please_, give me another chance."
Manager says, "Ok, but you have to take another 500 toothbrushes." Our man takes
the toothbrushes and tries his luck again.
Again Our Man comes back with the 1000 toothbrushes, talks to the manager,
gets another 500 toothbrushes and tries his luck... So he comes back in a week,
not with 1500 toothbrushes but with a bag of money. The manager gives him the
job and wants to know his trick.
Our Hero says, "Well, the ideas came to me a couple of days ago. I set up a
table on a busy street corner with a bowl of chips, bowl of shit, and a sign
saying 'Free Chip & Dip'. Someone would come along, dip the chip, and
say, 'Yuck! That tastes like shit!' and, of course, I would reply, 'Sir, you
are right, here, have a toothbrush!"
-= sales humor =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide
"Essentially complete."
Half done.
"Impact being determined."
Where the hell are we?
"We predict..."
We hope to God!
"Drawing release is lagging."
Not a single drawing exists.
"Risk is high, but acceptable."
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
"Is producing increasingly good"
It can now be read with the copies. Naked eye.
"Schedule resolution has a high priority."
When we get around to it. We'll find out where we are.
"Potential show stopper."
All program teams have updated their resumes.
"Serious, but not insurmountables, problems."
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
"Basic agreement, however..."
The S. O. B.'s won't even talk to each other.
"Results are being quantified."
We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion.
"Very difficult to maintain the field."
The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each unit.
"Task force to review."
Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision.
"Not well defined."
Nobody's thought about it.
"Requires further analysis and management attention."
Totally out of control.
"Appears to be attainable."
It will take a miracle.
"Less than expected."
Bombed out.
"This is high risk program."
No way we can make launch.
"Schedule exposed."
We slipped three weeks ago.
-= sales humor =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T Long Distance.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get
home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your
kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (Scream!!!) Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the
fiber optic clarity of your son's plea...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job as part of
their new work-release program. Let's get together and talk about switching
over." - Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I know I'm
talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a recording - of
Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I say, "AT&T never put me on
hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I
got." - Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room
window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it.
Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." - Mary Hoppin,
consumer services manager, Asian Sources Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb your
house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened me like that."
And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T." - Paul Gosselin, free-lance
copywriter, Nashville
-= sales humor =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman stops at a gas station to take a shit. The restroom has
two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys
acknowledge each other and go about with their business. The salesman finishes
first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks
at it, thinks for a moment and throws $50 bill into the bowl.
The other guy asks, "Why did you do that?"
The salesman goes "Don't expect to put my hand in there for 35 cents."
-= sales humor =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Here is a phone exchange I had one afternoon with a telephone solicitor who had
called me trying to sell a long distance company (this was done just after AT&T
broke up). Sm = salesman, Me = me.
Ring Ring Ring
Me: Hello?
Sm: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
are you today, sir?
Me: <bemused> Fine.
Sm: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno....
Sm: You don't know? Well, how would you like to be hooked up with the best
satellite phone network of the 80's? We use -
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my friend from, uh, far away?
Sm: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best -
Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango...
Sm: Yes, I see. Well, you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll -
Me: He has a lizard you know....his name is Ralph.
Sm: I see, well, you can -
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
Sm: Well -
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh...leaves.
Sm: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical -
Me: Save money? Really?
Sm: Of course! And if you -
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
Sm: Pardon me? <really threw him there>
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
Sm: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you -
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
Sm: Ah, no. You see, it works like this -
Me: 'Cause my friend, Tom, got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof...and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
Sm: Well, me don't actually come to your house -
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
Sm: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess -
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finally gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
-= sales humor =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
At a clothing store, you can play games with the store clerk as per the
instructions of Steven Wright:
Clerk: Can I help you?
You: Yes, do you have anything I would like?
Clerk: How would I know what you like?
You: I dunno, you started this.
-= sales humor =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
Paper Or Plastic?
And how about witty comebacks to that age old question, "Paper or Plastic?"
Try this. Go to your local supermarket. Get a can of soup. Look for the most
_clueless_ checker there (there will be one, guaranteed). When they ask if you
want a bag for that, look absolutely horrified and respond, "No thanks, I think
I'll keep it in the can!" or "Wow, do people _usually_ put their soup in a
bag?". Buy a bag of chips. When they offer a bag, examine your chips and say,
"No thanks, I think it comes with one."
Premptive strike: before they can ask you, "paper or plastic," you ask them:
"Paper or plastic?" "Duh..." Pull out a $20 bill and a credit card. Again
repeat: "Paper or plastic??"
If you bought some laundry detergent, rat poison, or household cleansers,
when they ask about a bag, reply, "No thanks, I'll eat it here."
-= sales humor =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
In "The Oregonian", a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for womens
bras and panties reads:
"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for
yourself."
-= sales humor =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Payment Plan
While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood
donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it
back, saying, "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."
-= sales humor =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
-= sales humor =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Saturday Night Live:
Happy Fun Ball
only $14.95
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should
not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover
head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and
kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all
liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to
Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being
dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
-= sales humor =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
An article in Forbes magazine reports:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on one tribesman who speaks in
native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears on the screen.
Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan
is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he
said."
-= sales humor =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following advertisement has been on the bulletin board at a major defense
research institution recently:
Enemy Wanted
Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms racing, third
world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiently menacing to
convince Congress to fund us. Nuclear capability preferred, near-nuclear
considered. Earth, anywhere. Send note and picture of tank battalions to
General C. Powell, The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
Jordin (Peace thru Superior Firepower) Kare
-= sales humor =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
The Salesman (a story)
And in those days, behold, there came through the gates of the city a
salesman from afar off, and it came to pass as the day went by, he sold plenty.
And in that city were they that were the order takers and they that spent
their days in adding to the alibi sheets. Mightily were they astonished. They
said one to the other, "How doth he getteth away with it?"
And it came to pass that many were gathered in the back office and a
soothsayer came among them. And he was one wise guy. And they spoke and
questioned him saying, "How is it that this stranger accomplisheth the
impossible?".
Whereupon the soothsayer made answer, "He of whom you speak is one hustler.
He ariseth very early in the morning and goeth forth full of pep. He
complaineth not, neither doth he know despair. He is arrayed in purple and fine
linen, while ye go forth with pants unpressed. While ye gather here and say one
to the other, 'Verily this is a terrible day to work', he is already abraod. And
when the eleventh hour cometh, he needeth no alibis. He knoweth his line and
they that would stave him off, they give him orders. Men say unto him 'nay' when
he cometh in, yet when he goeth forth he hath their name on the line that is
dotted.
"He taketh with him the two angels 'inspiration' and 'perspiration' and
worketh to beat hell. Verily I say unto you, go and do likewise."
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