The Ultimate Limericks
Charles T Brown
Note: I don't give credit to people who send them in, sorry...
It is too much of a mess. Then again, I don't take any credit
for having done anything... :-)
Enjoy!
Note2: These are in the main DIRTY limericks, if you get my drift?
If you are religious in any way, I'd suggest that you DIDN'T read these,
and if you do, you can only blame yourself! Warned? Good...
Note3: Please don't send a previous list of my list of limericks back
to me, do a grep and see how similar the files are... :-)
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He once said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!"
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
As he saw him stick 'er
He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
There was a young lady named Maud
A terrible society fraud:
In company, I'm told
She was awfully cold.
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was folly.
Said she, "Your pee-pee
Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, " 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
There once was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said,"It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
Said an innocent girlie named Shelley
as a man rolled her onto her belly
"This is not the position
for human coition,
And _why_ the petroleum jelly?"
A visiting scholar at Yale
Was in search of a fresh piece of tail.
He found in his classes
Both girl and boy asses --
Now he spends all his spare time in jail
On a date with a lad, young Miss Flow
When asked for a fuck answered "No!
You can go second class --
Shove your prick up my ass --
I'm saving my cunt for my beau."
The Grecians were famed for fine art,
and buildings and stonework so smart.
They distinguished with poise
The men from the boys,
and used crowbars to keep them apart.
On May Day, the girls of Penzance,
Being bored with the lack of romance,
Joined the Workers' Parade
With their banner displayed --
"What the Pants of Penzance need is Ants!"
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she: "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of Paris.
Ogden Nash
Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
Frank Richards
Oedipus said to the Sphinx:
"My name's been perverted by shrinks.
Who'd think Jocasta'd
Call me a bastard?
I think psychiatry stinks."
Victor Gray
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed,
She rev'rently said:
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
Mr. Alan Jay Learner (with by-play)
Made _Pygmalion_ less of a dry play;
Seraph Shaw, near hysterics,
On hearing his lyrics,
Shocked Heaven with: "Not bloody my play!"
J.A.Lindon
Said Tennyson: "Yes, _Locksley_Hall's_
A story that always enthralls,
For it comes down to this --
She gave me a kiss,
And then a good kick in the balls."
Victor Gray
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
A man from the _Washington_Post_
Once had it off with a ghost;
At the height of orgasm
The pale ectoplasm
Shrieked: "Coming! I'm coming...almost!"
Anthony Burgess
When he raped a young maid in a train,
They arrested a fellow named Blaine;
But the ex-virgin cried:
"That's for me to decide,
And I'd be the last to complain."
"On the beach," said John sadly, "there's such
A thing as revealing too much."
So he closed both his eyes
At the ranks of bare thighs,
And felt his way through them by touch."
Isaac Asimov
A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
When his date was strapped in,
He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right'un."
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
Said she, "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, I know, love, it's me."
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
There once was a lawyer named Rex,
With a minuscule organ of sex.
When arraigned for exposure
He maintained with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."
There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Said the brawny old mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the cook and the captain and me."
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simson not Samson."
There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
A handsome young fellow named Morris,
While licking his girlfriend's clitoris,
Said to the lass, ``Honey,
You sure do taste funny.''
Said she, ``I've just douched with Lavoris.''
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To arrest his regard
She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
How they lift the frock
And tickle the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
When he wanted to sport
He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
He said, "Pax vobiscum,
Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
Who had warts all over his root.
He put acid on these
And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
A frustrated lady named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
T'was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
There was a young man named Laplace
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
When they banged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tatooed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
Seems the puma, in play,
Tore his testes away -
- An example of animal huma.
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke
The goddam thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
There once was a man named Kent,
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
And so, to save trouble,
He put it in double;
Instead of coming, he went.
>Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
>And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
> How they lift the frock
> And tickle the cock
>Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
>
This is only one verse of three..allow me to elaborate:
There were three young ladies of Birmingham
And this is the scandal concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a good public school
So he lifted their britches
and buggered those bitches
With his eight-inch episcopal tool.
A young woman in the first pew
Remarked as the bishop withdrew
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!
There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth,
Not for his leisure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But for the cheese underneath.
There once was a lady from Wheeling,
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
Then a cynic named Boris,
Simply touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
There once was a man from Franzini,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his date a martini.
THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM KENTUCKET
WHOSE DICK WAS SO LONG HE COULD SUCK IT
SAID HE WITH A GRIN
WIPING SPUNK OFF HIS CHIN
IF MY EAR WAS A CUNT I COULD F U C K I T !
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking,"Hey, Pop, is it in?"
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'Pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There`s plenty of room in the right one."
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You`re in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he but could he?
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!",
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame
Discharge is a wonderful thing.
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic f/x.
There was a young fellow named Lancelot,
Who his neighbors all looked on askance alot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,"
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover!
She expected no less of his dong.
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
If you're speaking of actions immoral
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
King Louis gave a lesson in Class
One time he was sexing a lass.
When she used the word "Damn""
He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
A salvation Lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
There was a young girl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl who begat'
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy -- but canny :
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
A harlot of note named Le Dux
Would always charge seventy bucks,
But for that she would suck you,
And wink-off and fuck you
The whole thing was simply de luxe!
There was an old whore named McGee
Who was just the right sort for a spree.
She said, "For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And I throw in the ass-hole for free."
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe`?"
There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a horse, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.
There was a young man with a hernia
Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya,
When carving my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concern ya.
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.
There was an old rake from Stamboul
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.
No lack of affection
Reduced his erection
But his zipper had just caught his tool.
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand,
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
A vigorous fellow named Bert
Was attracted by every new skirt.
Oh, it wasn't their minds
But their rounded behinds
That excited this loveable flirt.
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell
As a shot rang the bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong."
Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l'Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it's too fucking slow
I wish I could paint ten a day!"
A young man who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than the female vagina,
So he kept three or four in his room.
There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fine
By proving contempt of the court.
The mathematician Von Blecks
Devised an equation for sex,
Having proved a good fuck
Isn't patience or luck,
But a function of Y over X.
A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When he offered much gold
For release, she was told,
That the view is worth more than the ransom.
There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew! -- but she went!
To train on the toilet was dull
So Mom, on new methods, did mull
Instead of a potty
She taught the wee totty
To output to slash dev slash null.
There once was a man from Newcastle
Possessed of a very large asshole
Into which he - the churl -
Would stuff nuts like a squirrel -
His own, in fact; wasn't he facile?
There once was a man named McNamiter,
Whose organ was huge in diameter.
But it wasn't its size,
Gave the girls a surprise,
'Twas its rhythym -- iambic pentameter!
While screwing his wife, Dr. Zuck
In his ears his wife's nipples he stuck.
With his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
And invented the Radio Fuck!
A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the square of its weight,
Plus his pecker, times eight,
Was two-thirds of four-fifths of fuck-all!
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith, he sat.
Amusing himself
By abusing himself,
And catching his load in his hat.
There once was a farmer from Ritz
who planted a field full of tits.
They came up in the fall,
red nipples and all,
and he leisurely chewed them to bits.
There once was a man from Grants Pass
Whose gonads were made out of glass
When he rubbed them together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass!
In bed, the nearsighted detective
Once put forth this bit of invective:
"Has your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
The new cinematic emporium
Is not just another sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
There was a young girl, Fanny Hill
Used _two_ dynamite sticks for a dil.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And part of her ass in Brazil.
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint:
"My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!"
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s
.
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
There once was a young girl named Dot,
Who lived on pigshit and snot.
When she couldn't get these,
She'd eat the green cheese
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
There once was a man from Peru
who slept in a rubber canoe
He slept on his penis
and had dreams of Venus
and woke up all covered with spew!
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon
He didn't have the luck
to be born by a fuck
he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon...
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
There once was a girl from France
Who got on a train by chance
The engineer fucked her
So'd the conductor
The fireman went off in his pants
There was a young man from Boston
Who had a little Austin
With room for his ass
A tank full of gas
His balls hung out and he lost em
Did you hear about young Henry Locket
Got blown down the street by a rocket
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass
His pecker was found in his pocket
Tarzan swings; Tarzan falls.
Tarzan breaks his mighty balls.
Jane says, "I dont care,
I will find...
Another pair.
There was a young girl named Lynn,
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
Had plugged up her crack
With a quart of shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
The duchess of Whiteside cried, "Rape!"
When she found in her bedroom an ape.
The ape said, "You ass!
Go look in the glass,"
And left by the fire escape.
The Venusians, out on a mission,
Found Earth in a puzzling condition.
They could understand part
of our laws and our art
But got stuck in the eighteenth position.
Three elderly spinsters from Kent
Gave up copulation for Lent.
This included door handles,
Both tapers and candles
And anything else that was bent.
An ignorant maid of Durango
Wasn't told where to make a man's wang go,
But she garnered this knowledge
Her first night in college
With a sigh you could play as a tango.
There once was a sensuous Sioux,
Who liked to do nothing but scrioux.
She would give no relief
To her favorite chief
'Till both of his balls had turned blioux.
There was a young fellow of Ur
Whose 'wacker was covered with fur.
He delighted to stroke it,
To pat it and poke it,
For the pleasure of hearing it purr.
A bright young university tutor
Fed his sex history to a computer.
Due to pulse-circuit stalls,
It reprogrammed his balls,
And he found himself totally neuter.
There was a young tutor most wise
Who loved to feel cocks, just for size.
At every school dance,
He'd unzip the boys' pants;
They nicknamed him _Lord_of_the_Flies_.
There was a young lady of York
Who plugged herself up with a cork.
She explained, "It's more svelte
Than a chastity belt,
And is quickly removed with a fork."
A vice most obscure and unsavory,
held the Bishop of Cheshire in slavery.
With great, screaming howls,
he deflowered young owls
in a crypt redone as an aviary.
There was an old man called Bill,
Who swallowed a dynamite pill.
His bum backfired,
His belly retired
And his cock shot over the hill !
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
A man from Provincetown, Mass.,
Had Testicles made out of Brass.
He banged them together
To play stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
Take your hand off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her,
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did her more good than a pill.
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it was me.
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
"It's no use, my duck,
Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
There was a young hacker named Gene
who invented a fucking machine
Concave and convex
it could serve either sex
and play with it self in between
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said, 'What I prefer to a piece,
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece
A thrifty old man named McEwen
Enquired, 'Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and neater
To finger your peter
And besides you can see what your're going
The lecherous Count of Swoboda
Would not pay a whore what he owed her
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey and soda
--
"Never put off until tomorrow, that which can be done the day after tomorrow"
-- C. Titus Brown, anonymous student, br...@max.physics.sunysb.edu
UNIX is good, you say? Which UNIX, say I!