Any sacreligious jokes ?
Dave Coble
Oral Roberts dies and goes to heaven. As he gets to the
pearly gates, St.Peter says, "Next." He replies, "Oral
Roberts." "The Oral Roberts?" "Yes St Peter, the Oral
Roberts." St. Peter says, "Wait here a minute. I know someone
anxious to meet you." He goes away for a few minutes and comes
back with a guy on his arm. "Jesus,this is Oral Roberts." "The
Oral Roberts?" Oral says, "Yes Lord, the Oral Roberts!" Jesus
says, "Boy come with me. I know someone that has been waiting
to see you for years." So Jesus leads him into a small room.
Over in the corner is an old man sitting in a rocking
chair. Jesus says, "Hey dad, this is Oral Roberts." "The Oral
Roberts?" Oral says in a very humble voice, "Yes my Lord. The
Oral Roberts.."
God says, "Boy I've been waiting years to see you. Could
you come over here and take a look at my knee. It's been
bothering me for years......."
One thing about a church...you're never too bad to come in
and you're never too good to stay out.
One Sunday, our minister told the story of how Mary and
Joseph left Jesus behind at the temple. My husband, Bob,
wondered, "How could a parent forget his child?" That
question was answered as soon as Bob and I arrived home in
separate cars. We realized neither one of us had brought our
11-year-old daughter home.
One Sunday a little boy approaches the pastor of his
church. Little boy: Excuse me Pastor, is it true that we were
created from dust?
Pastor: Yes, it is true that we were created from dust.
Little boy: And is it true that when we die, we return to
dust?
Pastor: Yes, it is true that we return to dust when we pass
on.
Little boy: Well if you wouldn't mind, I'll need you to
stop by my house and look under my bed, 'cause someone's
either coming or going.
One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the
Pope's office and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad
news!" The Pope replies, "What's the good news?" "Jesus
Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what can be so
bad?" "He's calling from Utah."
One day a preacher came into town and started preaching
that he could heal all kinds of ailments. Well, as he was
preaching, a man on crutches happened to walk by. The preacher
stopped him and said, "Brother, what is your ailment?" He
replied, "Well preacher, I have a deformed leg, and have never
walked without crutches." The preacher said, "What's your
name, Brother?" "My name's John." said the crippled man. "Well
brother John, you step back behind this curtain." and he did.
About a minute later, another man happened to walk by and
was also stopped by the preacher. "What's your name brother"
said the preacher. "Mu-mu-ma names Ba-Ba-BOB!" was the reply.
"Well brother Bob, what is your ailment?" "Well, P-P-Preacher,
I ha-ha-have a stu-stu-stu- problem talking." So the preacher
ushered him behind the curtain also and then started dancing
and preaching and yelling and praying and all kinds of stuff.
After about 5 minutes of this, he said, "Brother John,
throw down your crutches, Brother Bob, speak to me in a normal
voice "About 30 seconds later, a voice came from behind the
curtain. "P-P Preacher, Br-Bra-Brother John Je-Jes-just fell
on hi-hi-his ass!"
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for
supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn
fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like
that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the
rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I
caught."
The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like
that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the
name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish
and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the
monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the
goddamn fish that the sister caught."
The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk
like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name
of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me
the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the
table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister
said "I caught the goddamn fish."
And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new
priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50.
sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that
lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see
which one I'll deliver."
Once upon a time, the vicar was walking in the vicarage
garden when he came to a lily pond. There was a little green
frog sitting by the pond.
"My, my, you're a nice little green frog, aren't you?" said
the vicar.
"I'm not really a little green frog" said the little green
frog. "I'm really a choirboy, but a wicked witch put an evil
curse on me, and turned me into a little green frog. The only
way I can be turned back into a choirboy is if some kind
mortal were to take me and put me in their bed for a whole
night; then I would be restored to my former state."
So the vicar, being a kindly sort, took the little green
frog,and he placed it in his bed for a whole night, and in the
morning, lo and behold, the little green frog was restored to
his original form as a choirboy, and they all lived happily
ever after.
And that Milord is the case for the defense.
On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of
sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451"
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing
their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and
the other - a star of David. Of course, most of the church
goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was
overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe he'd get
some more hand outs.
"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his
cross wearing pal,"Trying to teach US how to do business!"
My church welcomes all denominations....tens, twenties, fifties...
Mitchell asked his pastor if there was any sure way to quit
smoking.
"Punish yourself," said the preacher. "Every time you
catch yourself at it, hand the person next to you a five
dollar bill."
"Mitchell started to leave, but just as he got to the front
door he reached for his lighter, realized what he was doing,
and handed the parson's wife a five-dollar bill.
"She whispered, "Meet me in the choir loft after supper."
Louise took her small grandson to church. He watched as
the choir came out of the side door in white robes and took
their places. Then the little fellow leaned over and
whispered, "Look, Grandmother! They're all going to get a
haircut."
Just in: Pope Jerry Falwell V has canonized Oliver North as
the First North American Saint of the Independent Baptist
Church! When it was pointed out to the Pope that Saint Oliver
may have told a few lies, the Pope said that nobody is
perfect. Martyrdom next, stay tuned.
Jimmy Swaggart says let those Catholics have their silly
bingo. He is into stud poker!
It seems the young preacher had recently married a pretty,
virginal, very proper and Christian girl. Their relation was,
well, *heavenly*, except for one small cloud.
During the act of sexual intercourse, as things neared a
climax, the minister was wont to utter such exclamations as
"Oh, God!" "Jesus Christ" "Holy Mary", etc. (As so well-fits
your point about atheists).
Finally, his wife, who found much to her surprise that she
enjoyed the "two-backed beast" and didn't want to discourage
any advances (this is a sure indication that the story is
*fictional*) screwed (ha heh har) her courage to the sticking
point, and confronted him with what she assured her husband
was a relatively minor, but important, point--that of
blasphemy.
With a surprised look on his face, the young minister
giggled a bit, then sobered up as he saw that this shocked his
blushing bride even further, and reached for his Bible.
"Don't worry, honey, it's all right! See? Right here, in
the Sermon on the Mount (how apt!!!) is says, 'Blessed is he
who COMETH in the Name of the Lord!'"
It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was
given gifts by his congregation. An elderly woman comes up to
him and presents him with several home-baked pies. He
graciously accepts her gifts and heads for home.again who
asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies? I made them especially
for you.."
Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only
to find that they are possibly the worst examples of Man's
cooking skills yet to be discovered. Try as they might, they
could not stomach the goods and finally were forced to dump
the entire lot into the garbage.
At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the
elderly woman. Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings,
and yet wishing to stay to the true course set for him, what
could he do? Finally, inspiration hits upon him.
"Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie
like yours lasts long around our house."
Is a priest who dresses up for a costume party a blessing in disguise?
In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew
everybody else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name
of Timmy went to confession. The priest after hearing Timmy's
sins said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that your fooling
around with one of the married women in the parish."
Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have
none of it.
"Timmy" ,he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?"
"No father I hardly know the women!"
"All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?"
"Mrs. O'Connell, father she the wife of one of my very best
friends! I would never lay hands on her!"
"Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience,
is it Mrs. O' Hara?"
"No Father I wouldn't dream of...".
"TIMMY! I don't want to hear it. You've come to this
confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the
seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and
confess who it is to me."
On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way
to the confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a
good mood today.
Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off
and three good leads."
In a large, empty, silent church, the priest was hearing
confessions. At the back of the church the janitor was
polishing brasses and replacing candles. He could hear
everything that was being said.
A man came in and went into the confession booth and said,
sadly, "Oh, Father, I have sinned three times." And then
there was a mumbled recital of the sins. Then the priest
said, "My son, your sins are forgiven. Now, if you'll just
put $5 into the collection box, that will be fine."
Next was a woman. "Oh, Father, I have sinned three
times".....and again the mumbled recital, forgiveness, and the
priest saying, "Now if you'll just put $5 into the collection
box, that will be fine."
Soon another man came in, "Oh, Father, he said contritely,
"I have sinned twice." Before he could go on, the janitor
stated audibly from the back, "Go out and sin again, brother.
Special today, three sins for $5."
In a large, empty, silent church, the priest was hearing
confessions. At the back of the church the janitor was
polishing brasses and replacing candles. He could hear
everything that was being said.
A man came in and went into the confession booth and said,
sadly, "Oh, Father, I have sinned three times." And then
there was a mumbled recital of the sins. Then the priest
said, "My son, your sins are forgiven. Now, if you'll just
put $5 into the collection box, that will be fine."
Next was a woman. "Oh, Father, I have sinned three
times".....and again the mumbled recital, forgiveness, and the
priest saying, "Now if you'll just put $5 into the collection
box, that will be fine."
Soon another man came in, "Oh, Father, he said contritely,
"I have sinned twice." Before he could go on, the janitor
stated audibly from the back, "Go out and sin again, brother.
Special today, three sins for $5."
I went to a Catholic school where the kids were so tough
the nun taught us art and how to draw composite sketches.
I received an interesting chain letter the other day. It
went like this:
To Whom it may Concern:
If you are not satisfied with your present pastor mail this
letter to the 6 churches listed at the top of the letter, then
pack up your pastor and ship him to the church at the bottom
of the list.
At the end of 2 weeks, you should receive a total of 16,436
pastors -- one of them is bound to be a dandy!
But beware! One church broke this chain and received their
old pastor back!
I mix religion with science. I count my blessings on a computer!
I love a story Willsie Martin told on himself when he was
pastor of the Wilshire United Methodist Church in Los Angeles.
Willsie arrived early one Sunday morning to see an elderly
woman struggling to get up the steep stairs to the large
sanctuary, "Here, let me help you," said Willsie and, with a
great deal of patience and love, he helped her to the top of
the stairs. Reaching the entrance to the sanctuary, the
elderly lady turned to Willsie and asked, "Can you tell me who
is preaching this morning?" With a smile, Willsie answered,
"Yes, Willsie Martin." Where upon she said, "Would you mind
helping me back down the steps?"
Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope.
"Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has
suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal
that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred
million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small
change in the Lord's Prayer. Where it says, `Give us this day
our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing
just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily
chicken.'"
The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request,"
he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that
you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with
the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you
in a few days."
As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency
meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're
going to have to review the Wonder Bread account."
Father O'Hara was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi
Melnick. Teasing, Father O"Hara said, "When are you going to
break down and taste some pork?"
Rabbi Melnick said, "At your wedding!"
Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was
coming down the mountain and the first person he came across
was not Moses. It was a Roman. He asked the Roman if he
wanted any commandments? The Roman replied, What's a
commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill." The Roman
replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how we
make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came
across was a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he
wanted a commandment. The guy replied, "What's a
commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not steal." The guy
said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God went
on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses
with a bunch of little Jews following him.
God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses
asked, "How much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses
replied "Yea sure, we'll take ten..."
Dad criticized the sermon, Mother thought the organist made
a lot of mistakes. Sister didn't like the choir's singing.
But they all shut up when Billy chipped in with the remark: "I
think it was a darn good show for a dime."
Clark Gable and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a
celestial bureaucratic snafu, the Pope was sent to hell. And
Clark Gable went to heaven.
The Pope, obviously in the wrong place, wasn't there five
minutes before he had convinced those in charge of the
mistake. In the blink of an eye, the Pope was whisked to the
pearly gates. As he walked through the portals, he
encountered Gable coming out.
"I'm truly sorry about this, by son," said the sympathetic
pontiff, "but I've waited my whole life to kneel at the feet
of the Blessed Virgin Mary."
Gable flashed his world-famous grin. "Too late, padre," he
said.
Church typewriters are notorious for embarrassing blunders
in church bulletins. One error, using the word "life,"
printed the sermon topic: "How to Change Your Wife Through
Prayer."
On another bulletin, intending to use "take," the pastor's
column read: "Many calls come to the church each week and we
conscientiously fake an interest in every one of them."
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the
Chief Priest said: "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you
are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak
until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before
the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been
here a year now, you may speak two words."Brother John said,
"Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.
"We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.
"You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food."
said Brother John and the Chief Priest assured him that the
food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest
again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may
say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably
best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got
here was complain."
Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jim Baker were all riding in
a car together and were involved in a terrible traffic
accident. All three were killed and their souls made their
way to heaven. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and
apologetically informed them there was no more room in heaven
at the moment, so all three would have to wait "down below"
until there was a vacancy.
Obediently, they all went to hell.
About a week later Saint Peter received a frantic phone
call from the devil.
"Listen," said the devil, "you've got to get these three
guys outta here! They're ruining the place."
"What's wrong?" asked Saint Peter.
"Well," said the devil, "Billy Graham is converting
everybody, Oral Roberts is building a university, and Jim
Baker has raised enough money to air condition this damn
place!"
At the Sunday service, the minister decided to lead the
congregation in a prayer for much-needed rain. Farmer Olson
didn't join in. Asked by another farmer why he'd refrained,
he said, "I've been noticing..... praying don't do much good
without a wind from the southwest!"
An usher was passing the collection plate at a large church
wedding. One of those attending looked up, very puzzled.
Without waiting for the question, the usher nodded his head
and said, "I know it's unusual, but the father of the bride
requested it."
An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was
much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed.
They always held hands all through the service. One day after
church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express
his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see
how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years,
holding hands like that."
The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love,
Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
An old man goes to church and is making a confession.
Man: Father, I'm 75 years old. I have been married to my
wife for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my
wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old girl.
Father: Well my son, when was the last time you made a
confession?
Man: I never have, I'm Jewish.
Father: Then why are you telling me this?
Man: I'm telling everybody.......
An Indiana farmer took his family to the nation's capital
to see how their government worked. After visiting the House
of Representatives, they went to the Senate gallery, where the
chaplain of the Senate was speaking.
"Daddy," asked the farmer's ten-year-old daughter, "does
the chaplain pray for the Senate?"
"No," said the farmer. "He comes in, looks at the
Senators, and then prays for the country."
An evangelist was speaking in a meeting when a heckler
shouted, "Listen to him! And his father used to drive a wagon
led by a donkey."
"That's right," said the evangelist, "and today my father
and the wagon are gone. But I see we still have the donkey
with us."
American evangelist Billy Graham tells the amusing story of
a fire which broke out in a small-town church. When the fire
brigade, siren wailing, arrived on the spot the minister
recognized one of the men. "Hello, there.Jim I haven't seen
you in church for a long time," he chided.
"Well," answered the sweating man, struggling with the
hose, "there hasn't been a fire in church for a long time."
After an itinerant backwoods preacher had delivered a hell-
and brimstone sermon, he demanded of Deacon Swarter, "Do you
love your neighbor?"
"I try to," replied the deacon earnestly, "but she won't let me."
After a Sunday service as the pastor was greeting the
congregation on the way out of the church, he noticed that one
guy had two fresh shiners. "Brother, what has happened?" he
inquired. "Well," said the man, "when we got up to sing that
first hymn i noticed that this big fat lady sitting in front
of me had her dress riding up in the crack of her hinny, so I
thought it would be right neighborly to pull it out for her."
"Well, that explains one black eye, but how did you get the
other?" "When we got up to sing that other hymn, why, I
figured she wanted it in there so much that I tried to stuff
it back in!"
After a prayer meeting on a fine spring evening, a black
preacher was walking home one of the sisters in his
congregation.
"You know, sister," he commented, "you're the third sister
I've walked home that's pregnant."
"Why, I'm not pregnant," she exclaimed.
The preacher replied, "You ain't home yet, either!"
Additional list of little goofs from church bulletins:
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One
of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in."
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the Church basement on Thursday
afternoons.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expense of the new carpet. All those planning to do
something on the carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish,
was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had
just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the
widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs.
Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the
husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."
A young lady was telling her pastor she had too many
suitors and liked them all but didn't know which one to marry.
They were all different and she liked a part of each of them.
The wise pastor's reply "Specialize"
| AmiQWK 2.7 - S/N 0032 |
... You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Dave Coble
> Anybody have any jasteless religious jokes
A young good looking couple move to a new town and decide
that they need to find a church. They are impressed by one in
particular and go talk to the preacher. He tells them that
this church is very selective and that a test must be passed
before they will be allowed to attend. He explains that this
is a difficult test because it involves making a sacrifice of
something important to each of them.
They agree and so the preacher tells them that since they
both appear to have a strong sexual attraction to each other
that they will each have to abstain from sex for 3 months.
They both agree to take the test and are warned by the
preacher that many fail the test on their first attempt.
After 1 month they check back with the preacher and tell
him that it's going well, he gives them praise for their
strength and encourages them to finish the test, but indicates
that he would understand if such a beautiful and attractive
couple did fail such a test and that many have had to take
their test several times before being successful.
After one more month they see the preacher once again.
This time the husband admits to having desires of the flesh
and his wife agrees that it is nearly unbearable to live
without her husbands passion. The preacher tells them that he
understands how difficult it must be for such a sexually
attractive pair to abstain from the desires of lust and
passion and that if they should fail the test that he will
understand and that the test could be taken again.
Another three weeks pass and while shopping for food the
husband notices his wife bending over to reach for something
in the meat freezer. Her ass looked so tempting and her
halter top hung down exposing her beautiful firm breasts. He
could not contain himself any longer. In his passion he lost
all sense of decency. He jumped on his wife, pushing her into
the food case. Her desires were at a peak too and that both
became engaged in a lustful orgy that drew quite a large
crowd.
With only one week to go they had failed their test and
decided to tell the preacher that they would need to try one
more time. The preacher was a bit surprised to see them a week
early and asked how it was going.
The husband and wife proceeded to tell the whole story of
how they lost control in the grocery store in front of
hundreds of people. They left out no small detail of how they
had sex in the freezer and on the floor of the grocery store.
The preacher upon hearing their of their indecent act
jumped from his chair and yelled get out of my church! I don't
ever wish to see you in here again. They stood up and quietly
walked out the door and then turned and said we're sorry but
we understand. Safeway won't let us into their store again
either.
A workman is painting the ceiling of a convent, waaayyy up
on a ladder, when he drops his paintbrush.
"Son of a bitch!" he yells.
At that very moment, Mother Superior happens to walk into
the room and hear him.
"I will not tolerate obscenity in a House of the Lord! If
you must say something, say Jesus, Mary, and Joseph."
The workman grunts a response, gets his brush and continues
his work. Sure enough, a few minutes later he drops the brush
again.
"Son of a... I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"
Mother Superior looks at him approvingly when all of a
sudden the brush levitates off the floor right back into his
hand!
Mother Superior says, "Son of a bitch!"
A woman wanting to impress the pastor when he came to
visit, said to her little girl, "Honey, go get the book that
Mommy loves so much." The little girl soon returned carrying
the new Sears catalog.
A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife
that he had spent all day trying to convince people that it
was the duty of the rich to help the poor.
"Were you successful?" his wife asked.
"Half successful," he answered. "I convinced the poor."
A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous
rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is
flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof
and starts praying.
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a
rowboat. Let's go, mister, into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."
An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you
better get in. The water is still rising.
"No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my
salvation."
Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water,
and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the
roof.
"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."
"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven.
I KNOW the Lord will provide."
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by
lightning, and the preacher is killed.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What
happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a
break, pal. I sent three boats!"
A town had recently gotten a brand new preacher.
Unfortunately, his sermons always put the townspeople to
sleep. To try to fix this, he went to a preacher's workshop.
One of the speakers at this workshop told this joke: "You
know, I spent the best years of my life in another woman's
arms." After the audience gasped, he continued, "She was my
mother."
The small town preacher thought that this would be a GREAT
joke to tell, so he decided to use it the next Sunday.
When the preacher got around to giving his sermon, he said,
"I spent the best years of my life in another woman's arms."
Everyone in the congregation was whispering and gasping, and
suddenly, the preacher forgot the punchline.
He stammered, "I spent the best years of my life in another
woman's arms...uh...uh...uh...and...and I can't remember who
she was!"
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the
window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of
those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk
with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and
wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and
listened....not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started
down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get
rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman
caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him.
Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed
truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear,
she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to
call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet
her."
A Sunday School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk
about, was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent
his time on the ark. A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went
fishing."
A boy countered, "With only two worms?"
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a
picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were brought
to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the
conventional pictures....the Holy Family and the manger, the
Holy Family riding on the mule, etc.
But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his
drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out
of the plane windows.
She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the
heads to show Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. But who's the fourth
head?"
"Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"
A stranger came to church and the minister was pleased to
see him come forward to sit in one of the empty seats.
Afterwards he greeted the newcomer and said, "I'm glad you
felt free to sit well forward, even though you are a visitor."
"Well," said the man, "I'm a bus driver and I just wanted
to see if I could learn how you can get everyone to move to
the rear all the time."
A small-town minister during the course of one of his
discourses said: "In each blade of grass there is a sermon."
Later that afternoon one of his parishioners discovered the
good man pushing a lawn mower about his garden and paused to
remark: "Well, parson, I am glad to observe you engaged in
cutting your sermons short."
A Saturday night backslider suddenly began attending church
faithfully on Sunday mornings. The pastor was highly
gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see
you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Parson," said the prodigal, "it's a matter of
choice--I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."
A revival preacher had set up a tent on the edge of a small
town, only to be dismayed that only one man showed up. He
began to worry that all his trouble would be for naught, and
asked the sole listener whether he should go on with it.
"Well," said the man, "I'm jist a farmer from Oklahoma, and I
don't know much about such things, but if only one of my cows
came up to the feeding trough why I'd go ahead & feed him."
Invigorated by the man's thoughtfulness, he proceeded to
launch into the strongest fire-and-brimstone hellfire-and-
damnation sermon of his career. Mopping his brow after the
show, he asked the man what he thought. "Well," said the man,
"I'm jist a farmer from Oklahoma, and I don't know too much
about such things, but if only one of my cows came up to the
feeding trough I surely wouldn't give all the feed to him!"
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-
country flight. When an attractive flight attendant asked them
if they would like cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a
Manhattan, please."
"No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his
seatmate.
"As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waving at the
flight attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice."
A prison chaplain was walking a convicted criminal to the
gallows to be hanged. On the way, the chaplain said to the
prisoner,
"The future will be much better for you in Heaven."
"You don't really believe that!" replied the prisoner.
"I most certainly do," responded the chaplain.
"Then switch places with me," said the prisoner, "because I
like the present just fine."
A priest is walking through the bad part of town when he
comes up to a street corner. A hooker there says: "Hey,
father, quickie for five bucks!"
The priest hurries on his, way, nervously shaking his head.
He comes to the next corner. Another prostitute says: "Hey,
priest! Quickie for only five bucks!"
Again he hurries on his way. He get to the convent and
goes in to see the Mother Superior. Nervously, he stammers:
"Mother Superior, what's a 'quickie'?"
She looks at him seriously, then says: "FIVE BUCKS, SAME
AS IN TOWN."
A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing
the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who
ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the
largest city in the are After about a dozen belts of neat
whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A
waitress in a flimsy, low-cut uniform came over and asked,
"What'll it be, Father?"
The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar
by mistake, but he had none on. "How did you know I'm a
priest? he asked.
The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. I go to the
same psychiatrist!"
A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a
car, since neither could afford one on his own. On the day of
the purchase they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership
that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than of the
other.
The priest was a very devout fellow, however, and the very
first night, unaware of the rabbi spying on him through the
keyhole, he snuck into the garage and sprinkled a little holy
water on the hood.
The next night, very cautiously, the rabbi tiptoed into the
garage. Hacksaw in hand, he proceeded to take four inches off
the tailpipe...
A priest and a pilot just arrived in heaven.
Saint Peter opens the door and welcomes the pilot: "I'm
glad to see you, come in and be happy.
And you father, I'm sorry to say that, but you must stay
outside."
The priest says:" Hey, are you stupid ? I spent all my life
in the name of the lord, and now I should stay outside an this
pilot is welcomed. Tell me why ?"
St. Peter says:"As you were praying in your church, all the
people were sleeping, but when our pilot flew his plane all
the people were praying !"
A preacher was presiding at a funeral. The eulogy went
like this:
Dearly beloved, we have come together to lay to rest the soul
of brother Benjamin Barton, Brother Barton was a fine,
upstanding citizen. A loving father. A good husband. But he
was not without his faults. He was often too quick to judge
another. Why, after sermon Sunday, he came to me and said
"Preacher, if you can't say something nice about someone, you
shouldn't say anything at all!". We will now have a moment of
silence for brother Barton.
A preacher was delivering a rather dry sermon when he
noticed that a member of his congregation was not only asleep
but snoring like a bandsaw. "Brother," he said to the man
sitting next to the snorer, "would you be so kind as to wake
up that poor man sitting next to you?" "What fer," said the
parishioner, "I ain't the one that put him to sleep!"
A preacher wanted to sell some Bibles, so he put an ad in
the paper. Three guys showed up. To the first one, he said,
"You have any selling experience?"
The guy said, "Yeah, I used to sell cars."
He said, "That's great. You can do it. You're hired."
To the next guy, he said, "What about you?"
The guy said, "I used to sell ladies' shoes."
"Okay, you're hired."
To the third guy, he said, "What about you?"
"I-I-I-I used to s-s-s-sell t-t-t-t-tv's."
He said, "Well, I don't know."
The guy said, "P-P-P-Please, I n-n-need the j-j-j-j-j-job!
I'll w-w-w-w-work real hard!"
He said, "Well, okay."
Three weeks later, he called them back and said, "Well, how
did you do?"
The first guy said, "I did real well. I sold $50 worth of
Bibles!"
He said, "Great!"
To the second guy , he said, "Well, how about you?"
"I sold a $100 worth of Bibles!"
He looked at the third guy and thought, "Oh, boy." Then he
said, "Well how about you?"
The guy said, "I s-s-s-s-sold t-t-t-t-t-wo hundred and f-f-
f-f-fifty dollars' worth of Bibles!"
"How in creation did you do that?" asked the minister.
He said, "Well, y-y-y-y-you said to h-h-h-h-have a p-p-p-p-
plan."
The minister asked, "What was it?"
He said, "If they weren't s-s-s-s-sure if they w-w-w-w-
wanted to buy it or not, I t-t-t-t-told them I would be g-g-g-
glad to r-r-r-read to them!"
A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that
time, the train would go through the town and blow its
whistle. Several members of the congregation went to the
train company and begged them to change the schedule. The
darn whistle was waking everybody up!
A popular preacher was admonishing a class of divinity
students on the importance of making their facial expressions
harmonize with their speech in delivering sermons.
"When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light
up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes
shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of h*ll...well,
then your everyday face will do."
A poor little boy once heard his Sunday School teacher say
Jesus was the light of the world. He took her remark quite
literally.
After class, the boy said to his teacher, "If Jesus really
is the light of the world, I wish He'd come hang out in my
alley. It's awful dark where I live."
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth".
So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its
illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing
the message, and was pretty pleased with the results. However,
his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning
she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if
you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in
the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his
wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of
sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for
Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was
right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can
help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a
member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a
magnificent sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he
must really be good at it! <lewd wink>" And the pastor's wife
replied, "Not really. He's only tried it twice. The first time
he lost his hat and the second time he got seasick."
A pastor asked a class of Sunday School children, "Who
broke down the walls of Jericho?" A boy answered, "Not me,
sir!" Upset, the pastor asked the teacher, "Is this typical?"
She replied, "I believe this boy is honest, and I really don't
think he did it." The pastor went to the head deacon. "I've
known the boy and the teacher for years," said the deacon,
"and neither of them would do such a thing." Aghast, the
pastor went to the Christian Education Board. "Pastor," said
the chairman, "let's not make an issue of this. Let's just
pay for the damage and charge it to maintenance."
A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the
proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.
"Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow
like me to sell alcohol to a nun?" was the reply.
The woman leaned over the counter and whispered
conspiratorially, "it's really for the Mother Superior's
constipation."
The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to
her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition
that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.
An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside,
only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench,
roaring drunk.
"Sister," he said angrily, "You know I only sold you that
whiskey because it was to ease Mother Superior's
constipation."
"It ish," slurred the nun. "When she sees me, she'll shit."
A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African
desert to establish an outpost of civilized religion among the
heathens.
After some five days of travel without passing water they
began to dehydrate. Even the camel they were riding began to
falter. Finally the camel died and they ran out of water and
they were faced with death.
They talked about their end in a far off lonely place.
They had no way of getting back to civilization without the
camel.
As they began to talk of impending death the priest said,
"Sister, I have never in my life seen the naked body of a
woman. Would you let me see yours'?"
The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the
priest looked at her body with curiosity.
The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the
human body and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite
sex. May I see yours'?"
The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly
accede." He stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared
at his tool.
The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his
hand and said "This is the part of a man that gives life."
The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the
camel?!"
A newly-ordained priest was hearing confessions for the
first time. The old pastor of the parish happened to be
walking by the confessional and overheard what was being said.
Later, he called the young priest aside and said, "Father, can
you shake your head like this (making a side-to-side "No..No"
head motion). The young priest said he could.
The older priest then said, "Father, can you make a sound
like this (saying "Tsk!, Tsk!") The young priest said he could
do that.
The old priest then said, "Now, father, can you make that
sound and shake your head that way at the same time?"
The young priest said, "Well, this is ridiculous. Of course
I can do both at the same time", whereupon the young priest
shook his head from side to side and said "Tsk! Tsk!"
The old priest then said, "Now, father, doesn't that sound
a lot nicer than saying "Tough shit"?
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the
flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, `And they
fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two
thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly:
"And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and
two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy gent,
"Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
A missionary couple was captured by some decidedly
unfriendly natives, tied together with a long piece of leather
and left dangling over a large cliff. That evening, the
natives danced and chanted around the campfire and as each
member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate
missionaries, he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to
weaken a bit more. As the chanting grew louder and louder,
the husband looked at his wife romantically and said, "Listen
darling. They're fraying our thong!"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following
Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed
with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A minister preached a very short sermon. He explained, "My
dog got into my office and chewed up some of my notes."
At the close of the service a visitor asked, "If your dog
ever has pups, please let my pastor have one of them."
A little girl sitting in church with her father suddenly
felt ill.
"Daddy," she whispered. "I have to throw up." Her father
told her to hurry downstairs to the restroom. After a few
minute, the child was back. "I didn't even have to leave the
church," she explained with an angelic look on her face.
"There's a little box by the door that says 'For The Sick'."
A little girl comes homes from Sunday school....crying.
Mother asks what is the matter. The little girl said we sang
about a poor little bear that had crossed eyes. The little
girl said the bear had a name too.
Of course her mother asked and was told the little bear's
name was Gladly!
Upon further investigation her mother was at a loss. She
asked her daughter what was the name of the song. Her daughter
replied the song was called " Gladly, the cross I'd bear."
A friend of mine was in front of me coming out of church
one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he
always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and
pulled him aside.
He said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."
The pastor said, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father,
I've had an affair with another woman." "I see," says the
priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant you
absolution until you tell me who she is." "Well, okay,
Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name is
Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."
The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way
down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few
good looks and finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy
Green?" The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No,
Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained
glass windows."
Dave Coble
> Anybody have any jasteless religious jokes
plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are
grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the
fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together
to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on
the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different
place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent
condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock
happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the
preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the
farm was like when God was working it alone!"
A deaf old lady had a tendency to shout when she went to
confession. When the priest asked her to speak more quietly,
since everyone in the church could hear, she shouted, "What
did you say?" So he carefully told her that she should write
down what she had to say, in advance.
At her next confession, she knelt and handed a piece of
paper to the priest. He looked at it and said, "What is this?
It looks like a grocery list."
"Mother of God!" said the lady. "I must have left my sins
at the A&P!"
A country preacher sold a mule to a friend, and told him
the mule was trained to go when the rider said "Praise the
Lord," and to stop when the rider said, "Amen."
The buyer mounted the beast and commanded, "Praise the
Lord," and the mule shot off like a rocket. The startled rider
panicked. "Whoa!" he screamed. The mule was headed straight
for a cliff.
"Whoa!Whoa!Whoa!" At the last second he remembered the
minister's instructions. "Amen!" he shouted and the mule
screeched to a halt right at the edge of the cliff. As the new
owner peered over the precipice, he wiped his brow and sighed,
"Praise the Lord!"
A certain vicar decided it was high time he informed his
three triplet daughters about the "birds and the bees", and
tested their chastity at the same time. Thus he approached his
first daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood,
and asked his daughter if she knew what it was.
"That's your cock", she replied.
"You foul-mouthed young hussy, go and rinse your mouth out
with soap!" stormed the enraged father. Still fuming, he
approached his second daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed
to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it
was.
"That's your dick", she replied.
"Why, you daughter of Jezebel, you scarlet woman, go and
dissolve your tongue in boiling nitric acid!" [or something]
he ranted. In desperation, he sought his third daughter,
dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked if she
knew what it was.
"I've no idea", she replied.
"Oh, my darling chaste young child!" he said in delight.
"That, my dear, is my penis."
To which she responded: "Call that a penis?"
A carpenter in New Hampshire who was called upon to put up
a bulletin board in the church vestry. Since the walls were
marble, he tried to glue it rather than nail it but ran into
problems until he tried making the frame out of burr oak.
That adhered quite successfully, leading him to admonish his
young assistant, "If it ain't burr oak, don't affix it!"
In that same church, apparently, the church mouse's wife
had her bags packed and was ready to walk out the door when
her husband asked, "Why are you so unhappy? We have a roof
over our heads and every day the kind old preacher puts in his
hand and feeds us cheese and bread crumbs. It could be
worse!"
"That's just it!" she cried. "I'm sick and tired of
leading a hand-to-mouse existence!"
A boy was locked into the closet by his mother so she could
have sex with her boyfriend. While he is there, his father
comes home unexpectedly, so the mother hides her boyfriend in
the closet.
The young kid decides that he could make some money out of
this, so he says, " It's awful dark in here. It's so dark
that I might scream for my father. If I had five dollars, I
don't think that I would be so scared."
The boyfriend gets the idea, and hands the kid five
dollars. Soon the father goes back to work and the mother lets
her boyfriend out of the closet. After a while she lets the
kid out also.
By this time the kid has started to feel guilty about how
he got the five dollars and he asks his mother, "Mom, is it a
sin to trick people into giving you money." His mother said,
"Yes, and if he has done that, he should go to confession."
The kid runs off to church and goes to confession. Once he
gets into the confessional, he looks around and says, "It's
awful dark in here." A voice from the other side of the
curtain says, "We aren't going to start this one again...are
we?"
"You're a minister, huh?"
"Yes, I am."
"What church?"
"Baptist."
"Oh, you're the narrow-minded bunch that believes only
their group is going to heaven."
"I'm even more narrow-minded than that. I don't think all
of OUR group are going to make it!"
"What did the minister speak about?"
"Sin."
"What did he say?"
"He was against it!"
"Sister Bernadette, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
inquired Father Flanagan during his visit to the convent,
suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no, Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a
little gas."
A few months later Father Flanagan put the same question to
the nun noticing that her habit barely fit across her belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Bernadette, blushing a
bit.
On his next visit Father Flanagan was walking down the
corridor when he passed Sister Bernadette wheeling a baby
carriage. Looking in the priest observed, "Cute little fart."
"Just go out there and give your sermon with fire and
determination.
You're not afraid of the congregation, are you?"
"Oh, no," smiled the vicar. "The choir and I have them
outnumbered."
The minister asked for anyone who knew a truly perfect
person to stand up. After a long pause a meek-looking fellow
in the back stood.
"Do you really know a perfect person?" he was asked.
"Yes, Sir, I do," answered the little man.
"Would you please tell the congregation who this rare
perfect person is?"
"Yes, Sir, my wife's first husband."
A church secretary answered the phone and heard the caller
say, "I want to talk to the chief hog of the trough."
"Sir," she replied, "that is no way to talk about the
Reverend. He is the pastor of this church."
"Sorry, Lady," he said, "I just wanted to donate $100,000
to the church."
Quickly she said, "Just a minute. Here comes the big fat
one now.
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One
member of the congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just
then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on
his head. He spoke up again quickly. "I give a thousand
dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
DONKEY RACING IN NEW MEXICO
A Preacher in New Mexico wanted to raise some money for his
church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he
decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.
However, at a local auction, the going price for a horse
was so steep, the Preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well enter the
donkey in the races. To his surprise the donkey came in
third. The next day the racing form carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS."
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the races again. This time, it won. The next day the
racing form carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN
FRONT."
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that
he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The headlines that day read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS."
This was too much for the Bishop. He ordered the Preacher
to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby
convent. The headlines next day read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN
TOWN."
The bishop fainted.. He informed the nun she would have to
dispose of the donkey. She found a farmer who was willing to
buy it for ten dollars. The next day the paper stated: "NUN
PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS."
They buried the bishop the next day.
A kind gentle but religiously fanatical grandparent was
sending out family bible to his brother and sisters in distant
lands. The total weight of the packages in the end was over
500 pounds. At the post office, the postal clerk examined the
heavy packages and asked if they contained anything breakable.
The fanatic grandparent was about to say no, but then looked
worriedly at the clerk "Indeed! They contain the Ten
Commandments my boy, the Ten Commandments!".
A Texas oil man gets religion late in life and attends a
church for the very first time. As he is leaving the
sanctuary, he gets in line to speak to the pastor.
"Preacher," he drawls, "that was a damn fine sermon."
The startled cleric is not sure how to respond. "Well, uh,
sir..."
"Now, don't be modest -- that was a damn fine sermon, and
I'm not talking shit, either."
"Well, uh, sir, while I'm grateful for your kind remarks --
"
"I'm serious!" said the oil man, slapping the pastor on the
back. "That was such a damn fine sermon that I put a thousand
dollars in the collection plate afterward."
"The hell you say!"
Reverend Endicott died and went to heaven. Strolling
through the clouds on his first day, he went hours without
seeing another soul. At the end of the day he found only
three other men. They didn't seem to be too happy. One
explained that his afterlife was dull. He read all day, he
napped, and once in a while he exercised. Puzzled, the
reverend asked Saint Peter if a scouting trip to h*ll was
possible? Saint Peter waved an okay.
The reverend found himself in a fiery region, but as he
walked on, he heard music coming from the distance. He walked
faster, almost breaking into a run, and soon arrived at a
strange scene. He seemed to be in some kind of cabaret.
People sat at the tables drinking and carousing. On the huge
dance floor, thousands, perhaps millions, of people danced to
a rock-an-roll ensemble with twenty guitarists, a dozen men at
synthesizers, and drummers too numerous to count.
Now even more puzzled, the reverend asked to be returned to
heaven. He asked Saint Peter, "How come h*ll is dancing and
music, and up here things are so quiet?"
Saint Peter answered, "Do you think we'd hire a band for
just four people?"
Once upon a time there were three ministers who went to
Hell. One was a Baptist preacher, one was a Catholic priest,
and one was an evangelical Pentecostal. The priest asked the
Baptist preacher, "Well, what are you doing here?"
The Baptist replied, "Well, I thought that once you were
saved you were always saved." And after a pause he asked the
priest, "And what are you doing here, brother?"
The priest replied, "Well, I thought that if you went to
Hell you could pray your way out." So both the Catholic
priest and the Baptist preacher turned to the evangelical
Pentecostal and asked, "Well, what are you doing here?"
The evangelical Pentecostal immediately threw up both hands
above his head and shouted at the top of his lungs, "I'M NOT
IN HELL AND IT'S NOT HOT!"
A 4-year-old attended evening church services with his
grandmother the other Sunday. It wasn't long before the
little boy began to get restless.
"Can we leave now?" he asked.
"Not just yet," his grandmother whispered to him. "In a
little while."
About this time, the minister asked the congregation to
pray. Everyone one was ready...except for the little boy who
glanced around, pulled at his grandmother's arm and whispered,
"They got their eyes shut now...let's sneak out."
A priest said, "I thought you lawyers were not in the habit
of charging clergymen for your services."
The attorney replied, "Not so...clergymen look for your
reward in the next world. We lawyers have to get it in this."
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his machine
gun under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he
said breathlessly, "I've just mowed down two British
lieutenants!"
Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a
British captain!"
When there was still no response from the priest, O'Dollell
said, "Father, have ye fainted?"
"Of course, I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm
waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence
confessin' your sins!"
Robinson's favorite cat had died. They had been together
for many years, and Robinson had loved him like a son. Now, in
his broken-heartedness, he felt the only confort he could get
would be to see that the cat had a burial ceremony as
elaborate as solemn as a human being would get.
He was not a church goer, but there was a Baptist church on
his street and it was there he applied. The Baptist minister
heard him out politely, but could offer no hope. He said, "I
am sorry, sir, but it would be blasphemous to bestow upon a
cat, lacking a soul, the solemn ritual we offer a human being
made in the image of God. This, however, may not be the view
that all men take. There is a synagog two blocks down. Their
attitude may be different."
The Rabbi listened but was even more discouraging. "You
must understand,"he said, "that a cat is ritually unclean.
While many Jews these days keep cats as pets, I am afraid I
could not lend this temple to such a ceremony. It may be
different elsewhere, however. There is a Catholic church a few
blocks from here, and perhaps they can help you."
Father Sweeney listened and shook his head. "I appreciate
the tenderness of your feeling and sympathize with you in your
sorrow. A cat can be a wonderful companion. Still, it cannot
be done, I'm afraid."
By now, poor Robinson was in despair. He said, "Well,
Father, if it can't be it can't be; but it grieves me. Why, to
show you how much this meant to me, I was prepared to donate a
thousand dollars to any house of worship that would have taken
care of my little cat for me."
And as he rose to go, Father Sweeney lifted a hand and
said, "One moment, my son, perhaps I was hasty and did not
understand all the facts of the case. Did I understand you to
say that the cat was a Catholic?"
| AmiQWK 2.7 - S/N 0032 |
... You can't fall off the floor.
Frank Reid
>
> > Anybody have any jasteless religious jokes
>
Christ, the magic savior, lived by the sea,
And frolicked in the holiness in a land called Galilee.
A fisherman called Peter loved that prophet, Christ
And brought him sinners to convert, and helped him stamp out vice.
Together they would travel, not a penny to their name,
But turning water into wine brought universal fame.
His mother was a virgin, his father was a Jew,
And if your parents were like that, they'd crucify you too.
--
Frank re...@indiana.edu
Evan R Jeffrey
>Anybody have any jasteless religious jokes such as (visual joke):
>Hold your arms out straight to the sides with your head tilted and say
>"what's this?" Answer: A terrible way to spend Easter!
There are these three Jews, we can call them Al, Bob, and Charles. As
children, they were sent by there parents to Israel to learn about God
and become Rabbi. They met in Israel, and became friends. When they grew
up, they still remained in contact, and wrote letters, etc. Anyway, Al
sends his son to Israel to study the Bible and learn about God, just like he
had when he was a child. When his sone came back, however, he had been
converted to Chritianity. He was very upset, and called his friend Bob, and
said, "I sent my son to Israel to learn about The Bible and God, just as we
did, but he came back a Christian." Bob replies "It's funny you should
mention that, I sent my son to Israel also, and he also came back a
Christian." The two disturbed Rabbi decide to call Charles (confrence
call). They say "We sent our sons to Israel to learn about The Bible and
God, just as we did as children, but they have returned as Christians."
Charles replies "It's funny you should mention that, I sent my son to Israel
also, and he also came back a Christian. Let us meet and pray to God for
guidance." They do meet, and have a ceremony, and pray to God, saying "God,
we have sent our sons to Israel to learn about you and your ways, and to
become Rabbi, just as we ourselves were sent there to learn. They have come
back Christians. Please guide us, lord." Then the three Rabbi's hear a
deep voice, saying "It's funny that you should mention that..."
--
Evan Jeffrey
ejef...@iastate.edu
Terry Hewitt
: In article <D6AMC...@cs.dal.ca>, Konrad Byers <aa...@cfn.cs.dal.ca> wrote:
: >Anybody have any jasteless religious jokes such as (visual joke):
Jesus walked into a Motel 6 and slapped two nails down on the counter,
then asked - "Can you put me up for the night"
--
Terry John Hewitt
Andrew Rogers
>How about a song? (by numerous contributors, to an obvious tune) --
>
Just in time for Easter...
Fee fee fi fi, fo fo fum
Who's that riding through Jerusalem?
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
He's so nice, that Jesus Christ
He's gonna get nailed, just you wait and see
"Why's everybody tryin' to crucify me?"
There are supposedly more verses, but I've never been able to locate them...
anybody?
AWR
old fart at play
Frank Reid
by numerous contributors
tune: "Charlie Brown" by the Coasters (ca. 1959)
Fe Fe, Fi Fi, Fo Fo Fum
Who's that riding in Jerusa-lum?
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
He's so nice, that Jesus Christ.
He's gonna get nailed, just you wait and see.
"Why's everbody wanna crucify me?"
Who's that preaching 'neath the trees?
Who's that curin' disease?
Who's that walkin' on the seas?
Hey, you! "Yeah, me!" (bom b-b-bom b-bom b-bom bom)
He walks in the temple, cool and slow,
Tells those money-changers that they gotta go.
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ,
He's so nice, that Jesus Christ.
He's gonna get nailed, just you wait and see.
"Why's everbody wanna crucify me?"
==
TELL ME WHY
(How to get kicked out of Sunday school or church camp)
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me why the sky's so blue
And I will tell you just why I love you.
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Phototropism makes ivy climb,
Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
==
And just to keep things ecumenical...
CAMPTOWN RACES MANTRA
attributed to ke...@ufl.edu
All the zens, they sing this song:
Buddha!! Buddha!!
They sing about Buddha all day long,
All the Buddha day!
Om mani padme hum! Om mani padme HEY!!
I'll reach nirvana before you do,
Going the Buddha way!
==
I've omitted "Plastic Jesus" and 666+ verses of "The Real Old-
Time Religion." See also "Shake a Snake" by Pinkard & Bowden
(_Writers in Disguise_ album).
--
Frank re...@indiana.edu
Tom Grant
Reid, re...@indiana.edu writes:
>I've omitted "Plastic Jesus" and 666+ verses of "The Real Old-
>Time Religion." See also "Shake a Snake" by Pinkard & Bowden
>(_Writers in Disguise_ album).
Did you know that Jesus Christ's name is Howard?
You've heard it for years, and just didn't know it: "Our father, Howard
in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Hence the exclamation, "Jesus H. Christ!"
==========================================
"De l'audace, de l'audace, toujours de l'audace."
--Napoleon
---------------------------------------- --
Tom Grant Senior Tech Writer
CSSD
Oracle Corporation
tgr...@us.oracle.com
415-506-8481
===========================================
David Quakenbush
He was an Evil man,
He Raped.
He Murdered.
He Gambled.
One fine december day, he died. A great orange pit opened beneath him
and he slid infinitley down, and after an eternity of falling he landed in...
A rather stylish Hotel lobby.
Blinking, the man took in his surroundings.
The Lush red carped ran to the wall high plate windows, where he could
peer out at the Gold lined Pool, the 70ft. roulette table (where everyone
seemed to be winning, etc.
After a few moments a Drop Dead Georgous blonde walks in, wearing next to
nothing and says
"Good afternoon sir. Welcome to hell! My name is Cyndi, and if you need
_Anything_ you just let me know >Suggestive Wink< You can wait here if
you like, or you can go on up to your room. The boss will be here in just
a moment to show you around.
Stunned, the man gaped at her. "I'm in hell!? This is..."
"Please be patient" Cyndi replied.
Then, with a puff of smoke, Satan, King of Deception, Lord of the Pit,
Beezlebub...you get the idea, appears. "welcome" says he "to hell.
Please, come with me and see the sights."
This is it, thought the man. Together they went out into the street.
The boulevard was lined with platinum and diamonds. Brothels and
bars, pubs and casinos bordered the streets. All faces were smiling,
eating, kissing etc...
"well, what do you think?" Asked the vile horned one.
"Impressive, I must admit. I do have one question, however..."
Satan gives him an embarrased look. "Let me guess...you want to know
about the Christians, don't you."
"Why, Yes," said the man "I was under the impression that, you know,
fire, brimstone and demons with pitchforks...all that..."
"I was hoping you wouldn't ask," Satan said "but they all do. Come with
me."
With this Satan led the man to a large archway covered with a velvet curtain.
Pulling back the shade, he revealed a chasm filled with every horror known to man. The sulphorous pit was lined with souls torn in agony, chained to the
crude boulders. Most were being whipped with chains or prodded with pitchforks.Their screams filled the air with sublime and ideal frantic pain...
"I don't understand" says the man. "Why are they in such pain when everyone
else is having such a good time?"
Satan shruged his orange shoulders and replied "Those are the Christians,
like I told you earlier. They wouldn't have it any other way."
__________________________________________________________________________
David Quakenbush
squ...@holly.colostate.edu
//Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part
that wonders what the part that isn't thinking
isn't thinking of... -TMBG//
__________________________________________________________________________
Eggware
Jesus is hanging on the cross & there's a huge crowd to see him. After a
while, he raises his head, & quietly says, "Paul...Paul..." Paul shoves
his way through the crowd & says, "What is it, Jesus?" One of Pilate's
guards pokes him with a spear & tells him to get back into the crowd.
The next day the crowd returns. After a while in the blazing hot sun,
Jesus raises his head & in a hoarse voice croaks, "Paul...Paul..." Paul
shoves his way through the crowd & says, "What is it, Jesus?" Poked in the
ribs again, Paul is told that if he shows up at the foot of the cross
again, he'll be hung right up there next to Jesus.
Well, the next day comes & the crowd returns. Jesus can hardly speak,
but he raises his head & whispers, "Paul...Paul..." Paul shoves his way
through the crowd & says, "Yes, Jesus, what is it?" This time, the guards
grab Paul & nail him to a cross right next to Jesus. He hangs there all
day & all night, & the next morning, Jesus turns his head to him & says,
"Paul...Paul..." Paul whips his head around & says, "Yes, Jesus, what is
it?" And Jesus, in a raspy, dying voice says, "I can see your house from
here..."
From the joke-meister, Egg!!
Just E-mail me at: Egg...@aol.com & I'll give you a joke for ANY
occasion!!!
Dennis Schindler
Jesus is hanging on the cross & there's a huge crowd to see him. After a
while, he raises his head, & quietly says, "Paul...Paul..." Paul shoves
his way through the crowd & says, "What is it, Jesus?" And Jesus,
in a raspy, dying voice says, "Could you put another quarter in the
parking meter, I'll be back in 3 days and I don't want my camel towed."
Dennis Schindler
I have received e-mail from a Professor at one of the universities who
did the original translation of this story from the Dead Sea scrolls and
he asked me to make a few corrections, mainly having to do with
Jesus' mode of transportation. As we all know, Jesus was a humble fellow
and not much for material possessions. In fact he was so poor he
couldn't afford the payments on a camel.
So anyway here is the corrected translation:
Jesus is hanging on the cross and there's a huge crowd to see him.
After a while, he raises his head, and whispers,"Paul...Paul..."
Paul shoves his way through the crowd and says, "What is it, Jesus?"
Jesus, in a raspy, dying voice says, "Could you put another drachma in
the parking meter, I'll be gone for 3 days and when I come back I don't
want to find my ass has been towed."
Stephen Dorsett
>EG>From: egg...@aol.com (Eggware)
One my Dad told me when I was about 10:
A technician is working on the pipe organ in a large Catholic church, and
a woman comes in to pray.
The technician peers out between the pipes and sees her down below and
decides to have some fun. Several times he calls out in an eerie voice
"This is the voice of Jesus Christ..... This is the voice of Jesus Christ"
After several iterations of this, the woman looks up and says "Shut up,
sonny! I'm talking to your mother !
--
========================================================================
Stephen Dorsett 1-800-514-5NET dor...@coastalnet.com
Wide Area Network Manager, GIEx Corp. http://www.eastnc.coastalnet.com
========================================================================
Wolf
>
> EG>From: egg...@aol.com (Eggware)
>
>
Here is one that I heard a few months back
A great passeger ship starts to sink. The captain, a lawyer and a catholic priest
take charge of the evacuation.
The captain goes all women and children to the boats.
The lawyer answer f*&? the children.
The priest answers in exitment "do you think that we have the time?".
troy trimble
>EG>From: egg...@aol.com (Eggware)
>
>did the original translation of this story from the Dead Sea scrolls and
>he asked me to make a few corrections, mainly having to do with
>Jesus' mode of transportation. As we all know, Jesus was a humble fellow
>and not much for material possessions. In fact he was so poor he
>couldn't afford the payments on a camel.
I don't know if the Professor (or Mary Anne) made it up or not but it
wasn't from the Dead Sea Scrolls. The scrolls only contained the Old
Testament from the Bible. They were written a couple of hundred years
before Jesus was on the earth. The scrolls contained a number of prophecies
about him, but none of the New Testament was written on the scrolls.
Later,
TT
Gumbot
troy trimble <tr...@sun.com> wrote:
>In article 95042011...@nwcs.org, dennis.s...@nwcs.org (Dennis Schindler) writes:
>>EG>From: egg...@aol.com (Eggware)
>>
>>I have received e-mail from a Professor at one of the universities who
>>did the original translation of this story from the Dead Sea scrolls and
>>he asked me to make a few corrections, mainly having to do with
>
>I don't know if the Professor (or Mary Anne) made it up or not but it
>wasn't from the Dead Sea Scrolls. The scrolls only contained the Old
>Testament from the Bible. They were written a couple of hundred years
>before Jesus was on the earth. The scrolls contained a number of prophecies
You mean "allegedly about him." That's only Xian teaching that
Jewish prophesies were about Jesus.
-t
--
"It ain't over till it's over..."