World's Worst Jokes [Long]

[Craig Kelly]

World's Worst Jokes

Here's my (growing) collection of really bad jokes. If you have any bad jokes
that you think I'm missing feel free to email me :).

Well, enjoy!


Newscaster: 'Someone has stolen all the toilets at Scotland Yard.
Police say they have got nothing to go on.'

Who invented the first pen?
The Incas.

Used cars are fine as far as they go.

What is Mary short for?
She's only got little legs.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his bum.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

Why did the lepers stop playing ice hockey?
Because there was a face off in the corner.

How do you tell who is the blind man at the nudist camp?
It's not hard, is it?

Whats red and lies at the side of the road? A dead bus.

Whats brown and sticky? A stick

Jesus Saves!
...But Satan gets in on the rebound.

When I got home yesterday, my parents started throwing lettuces at me.
And thats just the tip of the Iceberg.

I took my car for a service yesterday, but I couldn't fit it through
the church doors.

"I don't understand it."
"What?"
"Chinese!"
"I can't get over it."
"What?"
"A ten foot wall!"
"You've got to hand it to them."
"Who?"
"Ticket collectors!"

Whats red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.

Two Irishman were sitting on the floor. One fell off.

What did the bottle of orange say to the glass of water?
I'm diluted to meet you.

What goes black-white-black-white-black-white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.

What did the tie say to the hat?
You hang around and I'll go on ahead.

Why did the skeleton burp?
He didn't have the guts to fart!

Car Sticker: "If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!!"

Car Sticker: "I love animals - They taste great!"

Car Sticker: "Preserve wildlife! Pickle a squirrel!"

"Mummy, Mummy, can I go out and play with the other kids?"
"Shut up and deal."

"Mummy, Mummy, I don't like Daddy!"
"Well, leave him on the side of your plate."

"Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No, flush it like everyone else."

Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
Man: "Its really my family, they sent me here."
Psychiatrist: "Why do you feel your family want you here?"
Man: "I suppose its because I like suasages."
Psychiatrist: "Well, there's nothing wrong with that, I like sausages
too!"
Man (manic): "Do you?! COME TO THE HOUSE! I'VE GOT THOUSANDS!"

Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
Man: "I think I'm a dog."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! Come and lie on the couch."
Man: "Oh no, I'm not allowed on the couch."

Did you hear the one about the two elephants who fell off a cliff?
Boom Boom!

Sellafield are famous for talking balls... And other strange side
effects.

Why did the Irishman take a car door to the desert? So when he got
hot, he could wind the window down!

Thief, "I really can't stand it when people squeeze the toothpaste
tube from the middle! Oooooooo, or when people put used matches back
into the box!"
Policeman, "I am arresting you for being a petty thief!"

Why does no one like Count Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

The Government has just announced that there is a milk shortage. Well,
plenty of milk is being produced, its just not getting into the
bottles. And if that brings tears to your eyes, just think what its
doing to the cows.

A priest on confessional duty saw a drunk stagger into his church,
look around, see the confessionals, and immediately go into one. The
priest quietly walked down the aisle, and entered his appointed booth
beside the drunk. He opened the window between the two booths and said
"May I help you my son?" The drunk replied, "Yeah, you got any toilet
paper in your side?"

What do you call an Irishman with a bottle of Shampoo on his head?
Tim O' Tay.

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the randsom.

2 pilots are flying over Iraq. They see 2 flying carpets coming
towards them.
Pilot 1: "Are those enemy carpets?"
Pilot 2: "No, they're allied."

Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, his
sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If
it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you
land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath
and jumped. He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing
happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he
careened crazily earthward, he said to himself: "Now I'll bet that
truck won't be there either!"

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend;
Indide of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

A woman is arguing with a meat counter clerk who is trying to tell her
that the store is out of chicken. Finally the clerk calls the manager
to come over and help.
"Lady," says the manager, "how do you spell the tom in tomato?"
"T-O-M," she replies.
"Now how do you spell the pot in potato?" he asks her.
"P-O-T," she answers.
"Then how do you spell the stink in chicken?" he asks.
"There is no stink in chicken," the woman answers.
The manager exclaims, "That's what we've been trying to tell you!"

Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's Greetings.

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.

Do you know why the oyster did not want to give up his pearl?
He was a little shellfish.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

Where do you find the most fish?
Between the head and the tail.

How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.

What do you use to paint a rabbit?
Hare spray.

How did they know the man eaten by sharks had dandruff?
They found head and shoulders on the beach.

Where does a rancher record his inventory?
In a cattle-log.

A women stopped at a petrol station to fill up her car. While she was
filling her tank, petrol got on her arm, she paid it no attention. She
paid the petrol station attendant and left. A little ways down the
road she lit a cigarette. Unfortunately she lit her arm in the
process. Frantic she rolled down the window thinking the wind would
put out the flames. It didn't. She pass a police car, still franticly
waving her arm out the window. Seeing this the policemen followed and
stopped the women Once stopped the police arrested the women. Charges:
Illegal use of a FIREARM!

What do you call a chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.

"Doctor, doctor I have a fish on my head"
"Yes, I'm afraid you have a brain tuna"

There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How the hell do
you drive this thing??"

There are two parrots sitting on a perch. One says "I smell fish."

Did you hear about the new shampoo for tramps?
It's called "Go and Wash".

A brain goes into a pub and orders a pint. "Sorry" says the barman
"but your already out of your head."

A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a pint. "Sorry" says the barman
"but we don't serve food."

A horse goes into a bar. The barman notices him and wanders over. He
looks at him for a while then asks "Say, why the long face?"

What's the man who buys and sells old flies called
An ant-tic dealer

How do you know there's an elephant under your bed?
Because you need a ladder to get in.

English History Lesson. The teacher said to Flanagan, "Where was Ann
Boleyn beheaded?".
Flanaghan said, "Below the chin."

What do you call an Irishman who hangs from the middle of the ceiling
of a banquet hall?
Sean D'Olier.

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.

Son: "Dad, I don't want to go to Australia."
Father: "Shut up, and keep digging!"

Have you heard about the Irishman who had to give up his job as a
fireman? It used to take him nearly two hours to slide back up the
pole!

Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half your work."
Gordon: "I'll take two."

An Irishman was charged with deserting his wife.
"I award your wife 1000 pounds a month," said the Judge.
"Thats very generous of your honour," said the Irishman. "I'll try and
give her a few quid myself as well."

And what about the Explorer who paid ten pound for a sheet of
sandpaper?
He thought it was a map of the Sahara desert.

What did Hamlet say to weight watchers?
Tubby, or not tubby...

What should you do if you find a Rhino sleeping in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
About half a mile an hour.

What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbage-way.

What game can 100 elephants play in a car?
Squash.

What do ants do when they are ill?
Take antibiotics.

How do fleas travel?
By itch-hiking.

"Why have you got your shoes on the wrong feet, Anne?"
"They're the only feet I've got Mum!"

Why do witches fly about on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaners don't have long enough cords.

What is a bee with its legs crossed doing on the motorway?
Looking for a BP station.

What animal goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse.

What happened to the piano that sounded a bit fishy?
They took it to the tuna.

What's copper nitrate?
A policeman's overtime.

What is a common illness in China?
Kung-Flu.

What kind of meringues repeat?
Boo-Meringues.

What driver can't drive?
A screwdriver.

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud and then
cross back again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.

Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish?
It set.

How do you make a sandwich spread?
By sitting on it.

Why is it difficult to keep a secret on the North pole?
Because your teeth tend to chatter.

You got to the bottom? Wow. Well done.

[fgree...@aol.com]

This the worst one I hear on the radio today.

How does a woman hold her liquere?

By his ears.

[bad...@macromedia.dot.com]

In article <trevor.85...@scientia.up.ac.za>, tre...@scientia.up.ac.za
writes:

:In article <19970111045...@ladder01.news.aol.com> fgree...@aol.com
writes:
:>From: fgree...@aol.com
:>Subject: Re: World's Worst Jokes
:>Date: 11 Jan 1997 05:00:04 GMT
:
:>This the worst one I hear on the radio today.

:
:>How does a woman hold her liquere?
:
:>By his ears.

:
:Actually, its "How does a blonde hold her LIQUOR".

Actually, I don't think any lickqueer would let a woman hold him!