Need AVON LADY jokes!!!
Paul Rubin
some that would translate well into German, but those that only
work in English are ok too. A friend of mine in Poland has gone to
work for Avon and I want her to know what she's getting herself into!
Email responses please (or post)....
Paul (p...@netcom.com)
ma...@cnsvax.uwec.edu
One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
in his neighborhood earlier that day but hadn't made it to his house.
He figured that they would be back tomorrow and devcided to prepare
for their coming. He had heard that JW's wouldn't pledge allegiance
to the flag nor would they pray the Lord's Prayer. Sooo. . . .
He went out and bought a huge flag and hung it prominently in his
living room and waited. Sure enough the very next day, a woman carrying
a black satchel came knocking at the door. My friend opened the door,
invited her inside and said, "First let's pledge allegiance to the flag
and say the Lord's Prayer." "Ok," she said, "but this is definitely
a first in all my years selling Avon!"
This space intentionally left blank
>One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
>in his neighborhood earlier that day but hadn't made it to his house.
>He figured that they would be back tomorrow and devcided to prepare
>for their coming. He had heard that JW's wouldn't pledge allegiance
>to the flag nor would they pray the Lord's Prayer. Sooo. . . .
I had some friends in school who lived across the street from a congregation
and got pestered daily (they ran the training tours in the local
neighborhood I guess). They got tired of it and set up to stop it once and
for all.
Next day, when the JWs knocked, the husband answered the door and kept them
talking. The wife ran upstairs and got ready, then appeared at the door in
a floor length black dress, black nail-polish, black lipstick (can you say
"Morticia Adams"?), holding a black cat, a leather-bound book and a kris
(wavy-bladed dagger). She said, "Sorry to interrupt you dear, but the coven
is waiting..." The JWs beat such a hasty retreat the lawn was singed in a
direct line to the congregation house!
Another cure I heard about was for the woman to answer the door with wet
hair, wrapped in nothing but a towel. That doesn't get rid of them all by
itself, but when she calls the head of the local congregation to complain
about the JWs interrupting her baths every day, and keeping her talking
forever while she's wearing nothing but a towel, that usually does it! ;^)
-- Mike "know thy enemy" Bartman --
==============================================================================
| Any and all opinions or conceptually similar items, constructs, wordings |
| or collections thereof, that that may, or may not, be expressed herein, or |
| elsewhere, are the sole property and responsibility of those explicity |
| expressing a desire for joint and several ownership thereof, their |
| descendents or assigns, to the extent permitted by applicable laws, |
| tarrifs, treaties, and/or prior agreements, contracts, promises, or |
| desires. No warranty, express or implied, is made as to the correctness, |
| reasonableness, timeliness, usefulness, or hairiness of the contents of |
| this or any other communication regardless of medium used, intentions of |
| the sender or receiver, time of the year, height of the flames or the |
| price of tea in Boston. |
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
<tap> <tap> <tap> Is this thing on?
==============================================================================
The Twister
> In article <1993Dec28.1...@cnsvax.uwec.edu>, ma...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
> >One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
> >in his neighborhood earlier that day but hadn't made it to his house.
> >He figured that they would be back tomorrow and devcided to prepare
> >for their coming. He had heard that JW's wouldn't pledge allegiance
> >to the flag nor would they pray the Lord's Prayer. Sooo. . . .
I usually just quote them scripture ... "When I was a child I played as
a child but when I became a man I put away childish things." :-)
--
Cheers,
-Robert.
--
Andrew J Young
Personally, I've never found Avon ladies needed such treatment ;)
--
Andy an...@pemcom.demon.co.uk
or a...@doc.ic.ac.uk
Dave Bushong
>In article <1993Dec28.1...@cnsvax.uwec.edu>, ma...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
>>One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
>>in his neighborhood earlier that day but hadn't made it to his house.
>>He figured that they would be back tomorrow and devcided to prepare
>>for their coming. He had heard that JW's wouldn't pledge allegiance
>>to the flag nor would they pray the Lord's Prayer. Sooo. . . .
>I had some friends in school who lived across the street from a congregation
>and got pestered daily (they ran the training tours in the local
>neighborhood I guess). They got tired of it and set up to stop it once and
>for all.
>Next day, when the JWs knocked, the husband answered the door and kept them
>talking. The wife ran upstairs and got ready, then appeared at the door in
>a floor length black dress, black nail-polish, black lipstick (can you say
>"Morticia Adams"?), holding a black cat, a leather-bound book and a kris
>(wavy-bladed dagger). She said, "Sorry to interrupt you dear, but the coven
>is waiting..." The JWs beat such a hasty retreat the lawn was singed in a
>direct line to the congregation house!
>Another cure I heard about was for the woman to answer the door with wet
>hair, wrapped in nothing but a towel. That doesn't get rid of them all by
>itself, but when she calls the head of the local congregation to complain
>about the JWs interrupting her baths every day, and keeping her talking
>forever while she's wearing nothing but a towel, that usually does it! ;^)
> -- Mike "know thy enemy" Bartman --
Did you ever think of saying "No, thanks" and then get on with your
life? Oh, I see. You don't have one.
--
Dave Bushong, Wang Laboratories, Inc.
Juli Sheldon
I LOVE posts like this! It is so much fun to see what people think of
to try on us. I've got news for all of you though. Most of these ideas
won't work, either because we are not as fearful as you might think or
because the information is just plain wrong.
In article <CIv9y...@wang.com>, Dave Bushong <dbus...@wang.com> wrote:
>mi...@vishnu.eco.twg.com (This space intentionally left blank) writes:
>
>>In article <1993Dec28.1...@cnsvax.uwec.edu>, ma...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
>>>One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
>>>in his neighborhood earlier that day but hadn't made it to his house.
>>>He figured that they would be back tomorrow and devcided to prepare
>>>for their coming. He had heard that JW's wouldn't pledge allegiance
>>>to the flag
This is true, but we do respect it and would probably explain this and
discuss why we have exclusive allegiance to God.
>>>nor would they pray the Lord's Prayer. Sooo. . . .
Huh??? This is a good example of misinformation. I quote the Lord's Prayer
all the time as it is something that most people are familiar with and can
talk about. Perhaps what they were thinking of is that we don't say the
same prayer over and over. Each prayer is original and from the heart, not
part of a repetitious ritual.
>>I had some friends in school who lived across the street from a congregation
>>and got pestered daily (they ran the training tours in the local
>>neighborhood I guess). They got tired of it and set up to stop it once and
>>for all.
Daily?? Whoa! Where do they live? A few times a year is typical, maybe
even monthly in crowded areas, but daily is way overexaggerated.
>>Next day, when the JWs knocked, the husband answered the door and kept them
>>talking. The wife ran upstairs and got ready, then appeared at the door in
>>a floor length black dress, black nail-polish, black lipstick (can you say
>>"Morticia Adams"?), holding a black cat, a leather-bound book and a kris
>>(wavy-bladed dagger). She said, "Sorry to interrupt you dear, but the coven
>>is waiting..." The JWs beat such a hasty retreat the lawn was singed in a
>>direct line to the congregation house!
Yeah right! We do actually encounter people who are genuine witches,
Satanists, etc., but this does not evoke fear. Actually, I find that sometimes
these can be some of the more interesting people to talk to, and they often
know more about their religion than people who simply attend church on
Sunday.
>>Another cure I heard about was for the woman to answer the door with wet
>>hair, wrapped in nothing but a towel. That doesn't get rid of them all by
>>itself, but when she calls the head of the local congregation to complain
>>about the JWs interrupting her baths every day, and keeping her talking
>>forever while she's wearing nothing but a towel, that usually does it! ;^)
Hmmmm... Sorry, but this really won't work. People come to the door in
towels (or less even!) all the time, so we're used to it. Although we may
be more brief (I wouldn't want to stand at the door in a towel for long, so
I wouldn't expect it of someone else either), we still will talk to the
person for a moment and perhaps offer them something to read when they have
more time. BTW, what good would calling the congregation head do? The most
that would probably happen is we would just call at a different time (in
the afternoon perhaps).
>
Anyway, this is rec.humor (sorry if the above is too serious, but look at
the time of the post!), so....
ObJokes:
Q: Why did the Jehovah's Witnesses survive the earthquake?
A: Because they were all standing in doorways.
Q: Why did the Jehovah's Witnesses buy out all the umbrellas?
A: Because they knew that Armageddon was just around the corner and were
getting ready for the 1000 Year Rain of Christ.
____________________________________________________________________________
Juli Sheldon Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo
jshe...@oboe.aix.calpoly.edu jshe...@joule.elee.calpoly.edu
jshe...@galaxy.csc.calpoly.edu jshe...@garden.csc.calpoly.edu
____________________________________________________________________________
Richard M. Romanowski
I tried that too, but they kept ringing the doorbell, so I
put on shades, whipped out my harmonica, and sang that rhythm-and-blues
song that goes:
But now I'm a man!
<harmonica part>
full grown man!
<harmonica part>
that's spelled M!
<harmonica part>
A!
<harmonica part>
N!
>--
>Cheers,
> -Robert.
>--
Dr.Savory
>people who simply attend church on Sunday.
Yeah, that about sums them up ;)
Bill Davis
Despite the fact that JW's are some of the nicer people I know, not
to mention the fact that I respect anyone who works so hard to meet
the demands of their faith, I have found that
1) They prefer to use their own version of the Bible to make
points about Scripture, rather than mine (which is not nearly as
dog-earred as theirs)
2) They have a sense of humor about people's perceptions of them.
Two of the better jokes in the JW Canon came to me from a JW.
What's the difference between a Yugo and a JW?
You can close the door on a JW.
Why were the JW's running down the street?
They were trying to get away from some Amway salesmen.
Anyway, next time they come to visit, just tell them to go to
Burger King , where you can "Have it Yahweh".
Jon Wright
This space intentionally left blank <mi...@vishnu.eco.twg.com> wrote:
>In article <1993Dec28.1...@cnsvax.uwec.edu>, ma...@cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:
>>One day a friend of mine told me that some Jehovah's Witnesses had been
>
>I had some friends in school who lived across the street from a congregation
I had a teacher that had lived in Utah for some time while completing
a doctorate. The JW's were very hard working - especially when they
managed to find a non-Mormon household. The Mormons were equally
trying.
Now, the JW's always came to the back door (Why?) and the Mormons
always came to the front door.
Brilliant idea (picture the lightbulbs), why not arrange for them to
come at the same time? So, one morning there were knocks at both doors
and my former teacher put them in the living room to argue it out.
At regular intervals, she supplied tea, coffee, buscuits, whatever
and the two groups had a lovely time...
Backfired, because next week twice as many turned up.....
---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------
Who: Jon.W...@Citibank.com.au The answer to life, the
What: UNIX Systems Manager universe and everything
Where: Citibank, Sydney, Australia is UNIX (/nev/dull)!
--
---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------*---------
Who: Jon.W...@Citibank.com.au The answer to life, the
What: UNIX Systems Manager universe and everything
Where: Citibank, Sydney, Australia is UNIX (/nev/dull)!
Dave Bushong
How about Johnny Carson's joke from a few years back, where he said
that "at -40 degrees, the aluminum front door turns into a JW no-pest
strip."
I always thought it was interesting that none of his jokes about the
Witnesses were malicious; just humorous. Another: "Scientists tell us
that during an earthquake, the safest place to be is under a doorway.
That means that during the 'big one' only JW's will be safe!"
Mike Leipe
Q: What do you get when you cross a JW with a Hell's Angel?
A: Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to piss off.
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Mike Leipe | "It's supposed to be hard - if it wasn't hard |
| Bell-Northern Research | everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it |
| Ottawa, Canada | great" - Tom Hanks, "A League Of Their Own" |
| (613) 765-3206 | * My opinions, not BNR's * |
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunil Prajapati
Here are some elephant jokes. Thanks to SCI and Arani.
: Now that the elephants running amuck in West Bengal, India have been brought
: under control, it's time to share a laugh over them.
: Q. How do you kill a pink elephant ?
: A. With a pink elephant gun.
: Q. How do you kill a blue elephant?
: A. You first paint it pink and then kill it with a pink elephant gun.
: Q. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?
: A. First, you open the door, put the elephant inside and then close the
: door.
: Q. how do you put a giraffe inside the refrigerator?
: A. Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in and then close
: the door.
: Q. When the elephant was getting married, every other creature in the jungle
: except one was present. Which one?
: A. The giraffe. (Remember it is inside the refrigerator.)
: Q. what is more difficult than putting an elephant inside the refrigerator?
: A. Putting the elephant and its wife together inside the refrigerator.
: Q. An elephant has climbed a tree and doesnt know how to climb down. What
: is it's only hope of coming down?
: A. Sit on a leaf and wait for the autumn.
And
here's one more ...
Q. What is more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant into a car ?
A. Getting an elephant pregnant in a car !!!!!
--
=======================================================================
Sunil Prajapati. System Programmer. db Concepts, Inc. (716) 726-7061
$HOME : 7, Silver Dr. Apt. 24, Nashua, NH 03060. (603) 891-3585.
Miles to go before I sleep... [H -> He + 24Mev] [These are my Opinions]
Brian Holland
Mike Leipe <mle...@bcarh3ac.bnr.ca> wrote:
>Forget where this came from:
>
> Q: What do you get when you cross a JW with a Hell's Angel?
> A: Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to piss off.
>
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Vincent T Remcho
wrote:
>Q: What do you get when you cross a JW and a Unitarian?
>A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Now THAT is funny!
Obligatory contribution (albeit a weak one):
Anyone know how copper wire was invented?
Two mormons fighting over a penny.
Chuck Salzmann
> In <1993Dec31.1...@zeus.aix.calpoly.edu> jshe...@joule.elee.calpoly
> >people who simply attend church on Sunday.
> ^^^^^^
> Yeah, that about sums them up ;)
Nasty.
.--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
: Chuck Salzmann - Norwalk Connecticut - Ch...@Salzo.Cary.NC.US :
: U n l i k e m y W i f e - O S / 2 D O(e)S W I N D O W S :
'--------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Anton Smirnov
bus stop. She spent an amusing half hour while waiting for the bus,
filling in the gaps in his knowledge of the old testament.
Michael Phillips
Huh?
Tavis Larkham
: A friend of mine who is converting to Judiasm was accosted by a JW at a
: bus stop. She spent an amusing half hour while waiting for the bus,
: filling in the gaps in his knowledge of the old testament.
Is this a joke? Is that the punchline?
Tavis,
Who, most likely, has something else he should be doing this very minute...
_________________________________________________________________________
| |
| "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." |
| --Mark Twain |
|________________________________________________________________________|
Stephen Payne
What crawls about in the grass going, 'ring ring'?
Wounded Avon lady.
---
* ^ ^ * Stephen Payne
* + + * pa...@meiko.co.uk
* '` * "When in darkness or in doubt,
* |____| * run in circles, scream and shout."
* * Disclaimer: I do not speak for Meiko...Only for God
dre14...@gmail.com
Bill Evans
Witnesses which makes no sense to me, so I transformed it
with wordle.net into something more appropriate for
rec.humor:
http://www.mariposabill.com/20150918acb17da65.jpg
--
Bill Evans / Box 1224 / Mariposa, CA 95338 / (209)742-4720
Mail-To: w...@acm.org -- PGP encrypted mail preferred. --
pgpkey.mariposabill.com for public key. Key #: 8D8B521B
PGPprint: 0A9C 3545 8FFF 7501 6265 1519 40FF 76F9 8D8B 521B