Solutions To The World's Problems
1. How to get rid of nuclear waste:
Sending nuclear waste into the sun is expensive, because of the amount of
energy expended in getting it out of Earth's gravity well, which is most
probably more energy than was obtained from the fuel in the first place.
The best way to get rid of nuclear waste is to put it on the government
surplus list. People will bid on anything if they think they are getting
a good deal. And as for the damage it will cause, frankly do you really
care what happens to people stupid enough to buy something that is clearly
marked ``Hazardous Nuclear Waste?''
2. How to fund private space concerns:
This is a twofold problem: first the difficulty with Congress and second
the lack of funding. Both these problems can be solved in one simple
manner. Make slavery legal again. All the work on the Constitution has
already been done; you merely need repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.
Now, since congressmen are property of the government, put them up for
auction. I know I'd like to buy Gore or Helms and have them doing some
heavy, dangerous construction work for me, and I am sure many others would
as well. Then, just send the money into space.
3. How to solve net bandwidth problems:
Make network TV illegal. Since everybody has cable anyway, this wouldn't
have a severe impact in most areas. Give half the bandwidth to the ham
radio operators, then use the rest to establish a nationwide packet radio
network for carrying the .alt groups.
4. How to fix the hole in the ozone layer:
Since open-air electric arcs generate ozone, simply replace all the
outdoor sodium and mercury vapor lamps with carbon arcs. This will have
the side benefit of making our cities much brighter, as well as generating
extra revenue for the power companies. Enough ozone will be generated to
surround most cities with a layer of ozone thick enough to block out UV
radiation, preventing skin cancer except among those who go out at night
under the bright arc lamps. But since only muggers and rapists go out at
night in big cities, it's okay. This will reduce the crime problem as
5. How to fix the drug problem:
Make drugs legal, then make them a state monopoly controlled by the DEA.
Once the government starts running it, the huge profits will quickly
disappear and it will no longer be lucrative for anyone. The alternative
of course is to let the Grateful Dead control it, and then it will be
free for everybody and the quality will be much higher.
6. How to fix the mideast crisis:
Have the Pope convert all the Jews and Arabs so that they are all Catholic.
This can be done by applying mapcar to the convert operator across all Jews
and Arabs. If required, low flying aircraft spraying holy water may be
employed. Now once everybody is Catholic, they can all go home and have
a nice cup of tea together. The side effect is that it might cause the area
to become like Northern Ireland if the operator is not properly applied.
7. How to fix the crisis in education:
Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
do better. Also all standardized tests should be in English so that we
can prove how much better our students are than the Japanese. Colleges
should be forced to have more programs like Business and Education which
don't require to students to think very hard, so that we can have more
college graduates. A college degree is a right, not a privilege.
8. How to fix the space shuttle:
Let Pete's Auto Repair take it over. Pete can find the tiniest leaks in
seconds, and fix anything with gaffer tape and sheet steel. I swear that
if anything is broken, Pete can fix it.
9. On the issue of Lithuanian seperatism:
Annex Lithuania as a part of the United States, and in exchange give
Alabama to the Soviet Union. This will make the Lithuanians happy to be
in a democratic state, the Soviets happy because they will have an Alabama
to go with their Georgia, and the United States happy because they will get
a foreign market for hog jowls.
Since the Soviet Union and the United States are now at peace, they won't
need any of those nasty nuclear weapons anymore. The missiles can be
used for valuable space payloads, and the warheads can be sold as surplus
to third world nations like Northern Ireland, Libya, Israel, Egypt, and
Yemen, who could actually get some use out of them. Since you can only
use a nuclear bomb once, it seems a shame to let it sit on the shelf and
become obsolete. Also this would generate extra revenue to help in the
savings and loan bailout.
I hope these answers to pressing political questions have been helpful.
"Drowning tequila sunsets, stowaways on midnight ships,
Refugees of romance plead asylum from the real,
Scrambling distress signals on random frequencies,
Forever repatriated on guilt laden morning planes... "
Recently someone called me from one of the ``Out on the Floor Offices'', an
ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious
beings called Users.
She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the
computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived:
``MY FILES ARE FULL!''
I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, ``Really now, Miss
Butterman, I don't have time for this.''
I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as I stopped her process, crushing any
hopes she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent
three hours slaving over.
``I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in
an hour and there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type
and it says something about an error; should I read it to you?''
``No point. Just press return.''
``Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?''
``Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It
occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining
complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET
this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now
LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:
The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to
Response Time ---
Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar
months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response
See ``Computer''. Again, not your concern.
If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it; otherwise, leave us
Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail
among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all.
What do you think we do all day? By the way , Butterman, shame
about your mother's pancreas.
The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
computer. (See ``Response Time'')
System Crash ---
Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer
is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The
more you bother him, the longer it takes.
Like I said, don't ask.
Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face.
Don't be ridiculous.
A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
try calling. There's no point.
Computer Room ---
Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door --- don't even
think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called
me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off
My Office ---
The name says it all --- it's mine; stay out.
Your Problems ---
The name says it all.
The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're
not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.
a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
c) Anything I choose to call ``maintenance'' is maintenance.
Software Upgrades ---
Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading
the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if
it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
Electronic Mail ---
I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.
We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
mess with them; consider them mandatory.
Error Messages ---
I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep
them to yourself.
Killing your Process ---
a) Don't ever ask why
b) Beyond your control
c) No warnings are given
d) The highlight of my day
e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.
(Example: BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE)
a) They slow down the computer
b) They waste my time
c) A general nuisance
d) Worse than that, actually
Software Modifications ---
You don't know what you want --- we'll tell you what you want. It stays
like it is. Period.
I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
d) Of course you did.
Disk Space ---
I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
armed; always dangerous.
A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't.
The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of
Data Security ---
That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over
it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem that can't
be resolved by killing your process.
a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
b) I can't be bothered
c) You're starting to annoy me
a) Couldn't have been avoided
b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
c) The result of annoying me
If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is
on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working
on it (See ``Eternity'').
I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the
above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems.
If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself.
If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask
The System Manager
P.S.The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means
"We are jigsaw pieces, aligned on the perimeter edge,
Interlocked through a missing piece,
We are renaissance children bacalmed beneath the bridge of sighs,
Forever throwing firebrands at the stonework... "
(The following report, from a ship's master, was printed in the August
1987 edition of The Log journal --- its exact history is unclear but I
think you might find it amusing.)
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you - regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
preconceived opinions from reports in the world press; for I am sure that
they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
changing the `G' flag for the `H'. It being his first trip, he was having
difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up so I proceeded to show him how.
Coming to the last part, I told him to ``let go''. The lad, although willing,
was not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the third officer on the
fo'cstle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was
promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the `pipe'
while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for
the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out
`by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of
the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be
of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 deg and asked if there was a film tonight.
My reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's
towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the
foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable but,
owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.
The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of
the vehicles on my foredeck which the third officer collected after his
somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable
us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no.1
I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there was no need
to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.
"We are Siamese children related by the heart,
Bleeding from the surgery of initial confrontation,
Holding the word scalpels on trembling lips,
Stand straight, look me in the eye and say goodbye..."
> 7. How to fix the crisis in education:
> Since students in the past few years have been doing more poorly on
> standardized tests, the tests should be made easier so that students can
Actually, scores have *not* been going down overall. In fact it's
remarkable how consistent the scores have remained. Just about half
of the students have always scored above the median, and they *still*
beta test, v.
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all
three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive 3 color as opposed to the cheaper ,
or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
1. An exact duplicate, as in ``our product is a clone of their
2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in ``their product is
a clone of our product.''
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
Why he stays in the bottle.
A computer owner who can read the manual.
handshaking protocol, n.
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are
often slanted to the left.
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic
imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using
black magic. It is said that in the capital city of
Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor
chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
metal object used as part of the monetary system.
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in ``Thoroughly Modem Millie.'' An
unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen
displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from
mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the
demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed
by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release
version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its
successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
with the workstation harem.
"For a price I'd do about anything, except pull the trigger,
For that I'd need a pretty good cause,
Then I heard of Dr. X, the man with the cure,
Just watch the television, yeah you'll see there's something going on..."
From: cam...@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Fubar)
This is NASA Headline News for Tuesday, April 31
The Congressional Budget Explorer Module (CBEM) is scheduled for
installation in the orbiter Titanic's payload bay this afternoon.
Technicians resolved an earlier problem with hydraulic line pressure
when it was discovered that several fragments of lobbyist had become
stuck in a flapper valve. The 127-ton CBEM payload will mark the
beginning of NASA's ambitious decade-long ``Mission to Fort Knox.''
A Flight Eagerness Review is scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday. The
current target launch date is Friday, May 11. If no further problems
are uncovered in the FER, the launch will probably be pushed back a few
days anyway just for the heck of it. The CBEM launch window ends on
Tuesday, May 21, when Venus rises in Aquarius and Neptune's influence is
no longer balanced, violating critical Astral launch criteria.
Meanwhile, the Velikovsky spacecraft is in good health on its journey to
Venus. It's now 122 million miles from Venus and about 28 feet from
Earth. Engineers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory report that failure
to actually launch Velikovsky has had little impact on its ability to
perform the primary pseudoscience missions. Earlier problems with
voltage fluctuations in the Wide Eyed/Credulous Subject Scanner are
being monitored carefully. ``I'm pretending this is really exciting,''
says JPL team leader Geraldo R. Spencer.
In other planetary mission news, technicians at the Deep Space Network
installation in Canberra, Australia have identified the probable cause
of signal weakness in the primary 90-meter antenna: the dish was
apparently mounted upside-down. A tentative schedule and budget
estimate for correcting the mount is underway. DSN Australian
Coordinator Michael J. Dundee was quoted in the Australian weekly ``P***
Off Mate'' as saying that this mystifying problem had never been
encountered before, but was probably due to reliance on American antenna
design parameters. ``I'm still not convinced that anything's wrong, but
we'll try it the other way and see.''
Leak checks are underway on the Contractor Information Network (CIN) at
Huntsville, Alabama. Technicians at the Huntsville Program Survival
Facility (PSF) expect to begin CIN closeouts by Thursday. The system
will then be purged for use.
Aerobuck Weekly reports that in testimony last Thursday before the House
Space and Storm Door Subcommittee, NASA Administrator Roald Sagdeev
testified that a recent re-re-reshuffling and ``options devaluation''
would enable Space Station to proceed despite the latest round of budget
cuts, but warned this was ``absolutely the last cut that can be
sustained.'' Citing internal NASA studies, the publication listed
several cost cutting measures under consideration, including a two year
stretchout of the Ground Telerobotic Administrator (GTA) subsystem, and
eliminating atmospheric pressure in the one remaining crew module, which
would also be downsized from 23 feet to 16 feet. The name of the station
would be officially changed from ``Freedom'' to ``Fred'' to fit the new
The Soviets and Japanese jointly announced a contract with Hilton Hotels
last week, to provide a 335-room passenger module for the international
Sakharov Space Station currently under construction in Earth orbit.
Malawi became the 78th nation in space Sunday, launching an 1820-pound
satellite into orbit atop an Indonesian Merlata II booster. This
launcher now has a record of 69 successes in 71 launches.
The last remaining Scout rocket was lost in a launch pad accident near
Wallops Island Proving Ground last week, according to a NASA spokesman.
Technicians apparently made an error in connecting a hydraulic feed line
to the rocket as it awaited payload checkout, connecting it to the
purge valve for a nearby Toxic Waste Holding Facility instead. The
first stage appears to have partially dissolved and melted itself to
the concrete apron; EPA officials have ordered the site sealed pending
checkout by an Emergency Response team.
Here's the broadcast schedule for Public Affairs events on NASA
Deflect TV. All times are Eastern.
Tuesday, April 31
11:30 A.M. ``Budget Cut Spinoffs'' --- classroom teaching aid
Monday, May 0
9:00 A.M. Colloquium on Soviet Inferiority
10:00 A.M. Three Letter Acronym (TLA) List Update (LU)
11:00 A.M. Pre-launch News Conference
12:00 A.M. Post-scrub News Conference
Friday, April 35
4:00 A.M. Replay of the Administrator's Good Friday speech:
``The Crucifixion: A Lesson for NASA?''
5:30 A.M. Livestock Report
6:00 A.M. Astronaut Aerobics/Morning Workout
All events and times and missions and appropriations are subject to
change without notice.
These reports are filed daily, Monday through Friday, at 12 noon,
EDT. My god, CNN, when do you want me to file? Last April?
A service of the Infernal Communications Branch, NASA HQ.
Help -- I am being held hostage in the Public Affai MMMMPPHHH
Headquarters, Washington, D.C. March 30, 1990
NASA PRESS CONFERENCE ON ``POLAR FOIL'' EXPERIMENTS
News media are invited to a press conference Monday, April 2,
beginning at 10 a.m., at which NASA Administrator Richard H. Truly
and a panel of NASA life sciences experts will respond to questions
on the recently acknowledged ``Polar Foil'' experiments undertaken
in past years by space shuttle crews.
Polar Foil is the computer-generated designation for the series
of experiments in human sexuality which NASA astronauts have conducted
in orbit on space shuttle missions. In response to widespread public
speculation and official queries from members of Congress, NASA this
week revealed the nature and extent of these experiments.
This experiment is one of a group in which NASA life scientists
are attempting to understand all aspects of extended human presence in
a microgravity environment. Just as careful study has been devoted to
human adaptations to sleeping, eating and drinking, and the collection
and disposal of bodily wastes in this environment, it is anticipated that
astronauts may choose to engage in sexual activities during any protracted
earth orbital or interplanetary mission.
NASA astronauts assigned to mission crews in the past several years
have volunteered to participate in the experiments. When both a male and
a female astronaut on the same mission had volunteered, mission time was
allocated to accommodate this activity. As expected, the limiting factor
on the number of missions in which the experiment could be attempted was
the number of female astronauts. Conversely, the limiting factor on the
number of times the experiment could be performed in a single mission was
characteristic of the male astronauts.
These limitations will be addressed in Monday's press conference,
at which a new astronaut category will be introduced. NASA will soon
begin accepting applications for Research Specialist astronauts, which
will be distinguished from both Pilot astronauts and Mission Specialist
astronauts. The prerequisites for Research Specialist positions are
that the candidate be female, at least 18 years of age, physically
attractive, possess excellent endurance and flexibility, and moral
open-mindedness. Finalists will travel to Johnson Space Center in
Houston for thorough interviews and examinations, after which the
Research Specialist astronaut candidates will be selected. This selection
process will proceed in parallel with, and separately from, the process
for the other career astronaut grades. At some future date, when the
numbers of male and female astronauts are more nearly even, the Research
Specialist category is expected to be opened up to male applicants.
These experiments will continue in the near term with the present
composition of the astronaut corps. Since the experiments are no longer
considered classified, they will receive the same attention as other
aspects of NASA space shuttle missions. Negotiations are in progress
for cable TV operators to carry the NASA Select satellite signal while
this experiment is being performed. NASA feels this service will prove
particularly effective in capturing and holding the public's interest in
their national space program.
On a related topic, NASA is considering reactivation of the Citizen
in Space programs with application to these experiments. The tentative
name of the proposed program is Surrogate in Space. Although not yet an
officially adopted program, some members of Congress have already suggested
names of civilian professionals who may become candidates for participation
in this program.
"Got no love for politicians, or that crazy scene in D.C.,
It's just a power mad town,
But the time is ripe for changes, there's a growing feeling,
That taking a chance on a new kind of vision is due... "
From: mit...@frith.egr.msu.edu (Bradley A Mitchell)
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was completely without substance.
And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees.
And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying:
``It's a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!''
And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth:
``It's a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof.''
And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth
``It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it.''
And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth:
``It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength.''
And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth:
``It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong.''
And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and
``It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful.''
And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth:
``This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and
Efficiency of the System.''
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good.
And the Plan became Policy.
"I used to trust the media to tell me the truth, tell us the truth,
But now I've seen the payoffs everywhere I look,
Who do you trust when everyone's a crook?
Revolution calling, revolution calling, revolution calling you... "
and the plan became policy...
and this is how shit happens!
sig file---what sig file?
And this is how SH*T happens!
Sex as a Tranquilizer -
"I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have
anxiety the night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on
those nights I make sure to have some sex. It's the greatest
tranquilizer I've found. And there are no side effects. It's pretty
addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor
Sex as a Reward -
"If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll
eat her pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My
friends ask why she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education
Sex to Fight Addiction -
"I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I
haven't had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems
to help when I get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes
totally. The hard part is after sex, because then I really want a
smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director
(Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)
Sex as a Laxative -
"I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a
direct correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real
constipated when I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm
having sex. I also think it's good to have a lover massage my anus with
her finger. I think it's healthy. And it feels so good." - Jimmy
Sex to Get to Know Someone -
"I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know
them. That's why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a
lot about a person by fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent
Sex as Meditation -
"I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some
space music, put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's
incredible. It helps me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do
affirmations and pray while I masturbate. I focus inward and just love
myself. I think of my masturbation rituals as my path to enlightenment."
- Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl
Sex to Make Money -
"I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute
Sex for Magic -
"I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very
important we use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic."
It's the most powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we
raised $25,000 for an orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane
Sex for Manipulation -
"I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex
to get what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one
blowjob. With sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C. ,Lead
Singer in a Rock Band
Sex for Gardening -
"I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden. and I
jerk off onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while
I'm at it, I'll kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm
onto a plant that needs a little extra care. I figure if sperm can
create a life, it must be a good fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap,
Sex to Increase Energy -
"I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt
business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex
to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not
have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to
get our energy up. The business was a big succes, until I left him. Then
it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot Dealer
Sex as a Gift -
"For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22
year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present
she'd ever had in her entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent
Sex to Wake Up -
"I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best
way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few
minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide
awake, baby." - Robin Spear, Bartender
Sex to Cure Back Pain -
"I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes
my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal
sex. I sewar to God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper
Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -
"We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and
there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make
mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day." -
Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor
Sex as a Cream Rinse -
"In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling
them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me,
but I'll betcha it's true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer
Sex for Stress Reduction -
"Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to
visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about
an hour, because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff,
Sex as a Spiritual Experience -
"Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex
can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with
the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so
holy and nourished." - Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher
Sex for Excercise -
"Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has
really hard thighs from being on top. It's great excercise. She demands
that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my
arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You
know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only excercise I do, and I'm in
great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery Salesman
Sex for Thrills and Adventure -
"My boyfriend and i live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual
adventures. Last week we were at the movies, and he was playing with my
pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with
raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." -
Kitty Wichner, Dietician
Sex for a Laugh -
"I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano,
Pizza Shop Owner
Sex as a Cure for Baldness -
"In my early 20s I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
Suddenly, it started coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm
that if semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at
night before I went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my
scalp. When I woke up in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk,
almost painful. Then I'd wash it out. It definitely worked. My hair
stopped falling out. I've used a similar treatment for acne." - Fitugu
Sex for Voice Training -
"I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a
particualr phrase. My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this
microphone as a cock, and make love to it with your voice, like a sort
of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it worked great. Now I have a
microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming Singer
Sex to Acheive Altered States -
"If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I
leave my body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by
the universe, and I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and
awakened memories of past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman
Sex for Mosquito Bites -
"When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in
the country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites.
I hadn't bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine
cabinet, and there's no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something
soothing and liquid. Yogurt and sperm were all I had. So I tried them
both. They both worked." - Darryl Stipanela, Law Student
Sex for a Good Deed -
"There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock.
We were talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part
of being fat was that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her,
being the nice guy that I am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't
really want to do it, but I climbed on board. It was like being on a
rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a good hour. She totally came
to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful to watch. The only
problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." - Marco Vassi,
Sex as Art -
"I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is
an art. I see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can
express myself creatively and imaginitively through sex. And beleive me,
I'm very creative. Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer
So, there you have 101 uses for sex. Well, not quite 101 but close enough.
Remember "Sex - it's what you make of it."
"I'm tired of all this bullshit they keep selling me on T.V.
About the communist plan, and all the shady preachers begging for my cash,
Swiss bank accounts, while giving their secretaries the slam,
They're all in Penthouse now or Playboy magazine,
Million dollar stories to tell... "
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
Date :- 3rd May 0023
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed
or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your
previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter -
Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
"I guess Warhol wasn't wrong, fame 15 minutes long, everyone's using everybody,
Making the sale, I used to think that only America's way, way was right,
But now the holy dollar rules everybody's life, gotta make a million,
Doesn't matter who dies, revolution calling, revolution calling you... "
From: vi...@decwrl.UUCP (Paul A Vixie)
Subject: An analogy of Operating Systems, from Hunzeker
VMS is like a Soviet railroad train. It's basically industrial-strength, but
when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you might
like. It gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.
The Mac operating system is like the monorail at Disney World. It's kind of
spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere. Still, the kids like
Unix is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country. The
ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and leak
like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown all the
passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard.
MS-DOS is like the US rail system. It's there, but people just ignore it
and find other ways of getting where they want to go.
From: av...@beaver.cs.washington.edu (Avi Belinski)
Subject: What they don't teach you at Soviet engineering school
(From the letters to the editor page of the New York Times, Sept 30, 1990)
To The Editor:
``New Plane Wing Design Greatly Cuts Drag to Save Fuel'' (Science Times
Sept. 11) reports that the performance of airplane wings has been
improved by incorporating small holes to draw off air where the wings
are subject to turbulence.
This surprising recipe reminds me of a story that Vladimir Engelhardt,
the leading Soviet biochemist, told our biochemical delegation to the
Soviet Union in 1960. Today's news reports of Soviet economic problems
may give the story added interest.
It seems that a newly designed plane lost its right wing in its
first test flight. In a test of a second prototype of the same design,
the left wing broke off at the same position. The manager of the factory
consulted the wisest, oldest plane designer in the Soviet Union, who
pondered the problem and advised drilling small holes through both wings,
at 10-centimeter intervals, along the line of cleavage. The plane then
When asked how he knew that the holes would balance the forces and
strengthen rather than weaken the wings, the consultant explained that
some problems are too complex to solve by direct analysis and hence must
be approached by analogy. He built on the analogy that Soviet toilet
paper never tears along the line of perforations.
Bernard D. Davis
Boston, Sept. 12, 1990
"It just takes a minute, and you'll feel no pain,
Gotta make something out of your life boy, give me one more vein,
You've come to see the doctor 'cause I'll show you the cure,
I'm gonna take away the questions, yeah, I'm gonna make you sure..."
Wait a minute... doesn't april fools day fall on Mar. 11 this year?
| ft...@engin.umich.edu |
| (Sergej Roytman to carbon-based lifeforms) |
| --- mild-mannered programmer by day, |
| positively grouchy programmer by night |
| quote: "Reality is for people who can't |
| handle Star Trek." --- ? |
Go Fool yourself with your April Fool!!! *GRIN* I ain't fallin' 4 dat 1! :)
| Bit: Desert @ arizrvax | int: Des...@ccit.arizona.edu |
| Bit: Ocean @ arizrvax | int: Oc...@ccit.arizona.edu |
| Bit: Arizona1 @ arizevax | int: Arizona1%ev...@arizona.edu |
| ccit.arizona.edu!DES...@uunet.UU.NET |
| ``It is hard to make friends with Reality, |
| because Reality doesn't care whether you like it or not.'' |
>Wait a minute... doesn't april fools day fall on Mar. 11 this year?
I dunno, but you just reminded me of something that hadn't crossed my mind
for nearly a quarter century (this is HIGH SCHOOL humor...be warned):
Did you know that yesterday (10 Mar) was Beaver Day?
...yep, the 69th day of the year?
Now, wasn't that hysterical?
"I think most hiccup cures were really invented
for the amusement of the patient's friends."
Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee53...@triton.cirt.unm.edu
>In article <1991Mar10...@rvax.ccit.arizona.edu>,
>des...@rvax.ccit.arizona.edu (Desert Man...) writes:
>|> In article <1991Mar8.1...@cbnewse.att.com>,
>ron...@cbnewse.att.com (ronald.h.davis) writes:
>|> > COMING APRIL 1st TO A TERMINAL NEAR YOU!!!!
>|> Go Fool yourself with your April Fool!!! *GRIN* I ain't fallin' 4 dat 1! :)
>Wait a minute... doesn't april fools day fall on Mar. 11 this year?
No, it falls on Apr. 13:-)
>| ft...@engin.umich.edu |
>| (Sergej Roytman to carbon-based lifeforms) |
>| --- mild-mannered programmer by day, |
>| positively grouchy programmer by night |
>| quote: "Reality is for people who can't |
>| handle Star Trek." --- ? |
Long Haired Nick
| Nick Sandru (alias Long Haired Nick) | Backpacker's First Law:
| Hoje Topholm 37 | e-mail: | "The thing you need lies either
| DK-3390 Hundested | n...@iddth.id.dk | in the bottom of your backpack,
| Denmark | ne...@iddth.id.dk | or in a closet at your home..."