Dave Letterman's Top Ten lists (5/8)

[Henry Churchyard]

Top 10 Complaints of Dennis Thatcher - July 10, 1990

10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is.
9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to take a
leak.
7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her pocket
without even reading it.
6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they can't
be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel the
show.
3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time
"foreign withdrawal" is mentioned.
2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does
for a living.

Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention - July 11, 1990

10. OK, we're serious this time.
9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
3. We're the party without Quayle.
2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home male
prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by the way, we
plan to raise.
1. Just wait 'til '96!

Top 10 Least Popular Summer Camps - July 12, 1990

10. Camp Tick in Beautiful Lyme, Connecticut
9. Camp Geraldo
8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-To-Be-Home Tenting Holidays
7. Amish Computer Camp
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp
5. Mr. & Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them, Don't
Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp
4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids
3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch
2. Camp Sissy-Boy
1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes Astronauts Tell - July 13, 1990

10. "You call that Mission Control?"
9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed."
8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!"
7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!"
6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
5. "I said Venus! Venus!"
4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?"
3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey."
1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"

Top 10 Attractions and Exhibits at the New Nixon Library - July 17, 1990

10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth.
9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn.
8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song.
7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac.
6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident.
5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show.
4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo.
3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo.
2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts.
1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the Rockies!

Top 10 Ways France Is Preparing for the German Reunification - July 18,
1990

10. Dialing 911.
9. Installing speed bumps to slow down Panzers.
8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white rectangles.
7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep their spirits
up.
6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt.
5. Printing up T-shirts that say, "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!"
4. Going a really, really long time without bathing.
3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris.
2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses.
1. Developing top secret stealth cheese.

Top 10 Things With the Same Statistical Probability as the Minnesota Twins
Turning Two Triple Plays in the Same Game - July 19, 1990

10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches catcher
without bouncing.
9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel.
8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt.
7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year.
6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President.
5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden.
4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video.
3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour.
2. President Tyson.
1. The Yankees making one double play.

Pete Rose's Top 10 Prison Activities - July 20, 1990

10. Making thousands of "FAY SUX" license plates.
9. Trying to keep cellmate from getting to first base.
8. Practicing opening and closing cell door to prepare for future as
casino greeter.
7. Playing Tevye in the all-tax evader version of "Fiddler on the Roof."
6. Executing his famous head-first slide over and over until he burrows
his way to freedom.
5. Discussing George Will's baseball book with members of the Manson
family.
4. Starting the wave during prison riots.
3. Getting a cell ready for Steinbrenner.
2. Leading a seminar in scratching yourself.
1. During softball game in exercise yard, arguing with umpire, getting
thrown out of prison.

Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter - July 24, 1990

10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his
hair.
5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track.
4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head.
2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.

Top 10 Ways McDonald's Is More Health Conscious - July 26, 1990

10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar.
9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies.
8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water.
7. Decorative bowls of mercury removed from tables.
6. Counter person now asks, "Would you like the name of a heart specialist
with that?"
5. Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in Your Big Mac" game.
4. New combination: salad dressing/sunblock.
3. Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for wallet
and jewelry.
2. Mayor McCheese excused from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking
cough.
1. Decided to drop Porksicles.

Top 10 Reasons to Fly Eastern - July 26, 1990

10. Likelihood of getting killed by Eastern plane is same whether you're in
it or not.
9. Endorsed by the Suicide Doctor.
8. No delays because of lengthy pre-flight safety checklists.
7. Pilots point out interesting landmarks when they're not yelling,
"Mayday!"
6. If you don't, Marty Shugrue will make more of those stupid commercials.
5. Eastern aircraft always get emergency landing priority.
4. Emotional greetings from loved ones even after the most routine flight.
3. Statistically safer than marrying Jerry Lee Lewis.
2. Passengers encouraged to tinker.
1. Because you're feeling lucky.

Top 10 Questions about David Souter - July 27, 1990

10. Can he lift a gavel?
9. He's not managed by Don King, is he?
8. What's with the parrot?
7. Will he do everything in his power to change America's terribly
restrictive speed limits thus allowing our most beloved television
personality to drive as fast as he wants?
6. Will he pet on a second date?
5. Where does he stand on the tastes great/less filling controversy?
4. What's his sign? (Zodiac Killer only)
3. Why are he and Batman never in the same room at the same time?
2. Does he know Wapner?
1. Who died and made him judge?

Top 10 Good Things about George Steinbrenner - July 31, 1990

10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them.
9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit.
8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants.
7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on
Christmas.
6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the grave
of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker.
5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging information
on a million dollar player.
4. Will eventually die and go to hell.
3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes tons
of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay one cent in
taxes.
2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each home
game.
1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance to
suck.

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Reasons for Attacking Kuwait - August 2, 1990

10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN.
9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines.
8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger.
7. Heard they were manufacturing bootleg Simpsons T-shirts.
6. To impress Jodie Foster.
5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration date.
4. Heard rumor Jessica McClure trapped in well in Kuwait.
3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the Moon.
2. Yeah. Like a Middle-East madman needs an excuse to invade somebody.
1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border.

Top 10 Least Exciting Superpowers - August 3, 1990

10. Super spelling
9. Lightning-fast mood swings
8. Really bendy thumb
7. Can breathe soup
6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
5. Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle
4. Ability to get tickets to Goodwill Games
3. Power to score with other superheroes' wives
2. Ability to communicate with corn
1. Magnetic colon

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Helpful Invasion Tips - August 7, 1990

10. Don't phone ahead.
9. Start with something easy -- like France.
8. Make sure everybody uses the restroom before your armored columns
rumble across international borders.
7. Don't feed raccoons at KOA campsites.
6. Nerve gas: don't leave home without it.
5. If Nightline calls, make sure Ted Koppel's doing show, not Forrest
Sawyer.
4. Take along a gift for the host -- for example, a puppet regime.
3. Point out that people liked the British Invasion of the '60's.
2. Bring plenty of change for the tollbooths.
1. Don't just race through a country. Take some time to smell the goats.

Top 10 Thoughts of Motorists - August 9, 1990 [A video Top 10]

10. "What are you looking at?"
9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license."
8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?"
7. "I'm an excellent driver."
6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!"
5. "I'm cleaning my oven."
4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
3. "Hey! That's my car!"
2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac."
1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering
pizza."

Top 10 Categories on Iraqi Jeopardy - August 10, 1990

10. Things that won't set off airport security
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. 23 letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Sounds like "Shi'ite"
1. Broadway show tunes

Top 10 Marion Barry Campaign Slogans - August 14, 1990

10. I'm addicted -- to public service!
9. America's Funniest Home Video.
8. Just Say Yes.
7. ** Sorry, VCR glitch. **
6.
5. Let's put a little Colombia into the District of Columbia.
4. Hey -- Here's your Justice Department, pal!
3. He'll get the hookers off the streets -- and into the hotel rooms.
2. Imagine the victory party!
1. I'm Barry Barry sorry.

Top 10 Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader - August
15, 1990

10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter.
9. Hijackings every hour on the hour.
8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference.
7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines.
6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do
impressions?"
5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President.
3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's
practically giving it away!
2. Marry Cher.
1. Try the McRibs.

Top 10 Words Used Least Frequently in CIA Reports on Saddam Hussein -
August 16, 1990

10. Huggable
9. Busty
8. John Tesh-obsessed
7. Amish
6. Stoogeophile
5. Fahrvergnugen
4. Bitchin'
3. Yankee fan
2. Sane
1. Drop-dead gorgeous

Top 10 Ways the Emir of Kuwait Passes Time - August 17, 1990

10. Calling 911 to report his country stolen.
9. Sitting alone in Hilton lounge arranging maraschino cherry stems to
spell, "Iraq sucks."
8. Waiting on tables; going to auditions.
7. Writing a novel about an exiled Arab ruler who falls in love with a
rich American chick.
6. Enjoying free pizza after free pizza from Dominos.
5. Memorizing all the lyrics to "American Pie."
4. Listening to wife say for millionth time, "I told you we should have
had an army!"
3. Flogging the camel -- if you know what I mean.
2. Lots of long luxurious bubble baths.
1. Night manager at Riyadh Burger King.


Two weeks missing due to vacation (and roommate who screwed up the VCR
programming)


Top 10 Reasons New York City Would've Been a Good Site for the Olympics -
September 18, 1990

10. No shortage of starter pistols.
9. Already have cute mascot -- Lou the Giant Rat.
8. New York Yankees set tone for amateur athletics.
7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists.
6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to root in person for their home
countries.
5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile jumping.
4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient monorail
system.
3. Room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place.
2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck burns where gold medals used to be.
1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming.

Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names - September 19, 1990

10. The Opticians
9. The Groinpullers
8. The Fragile Porcelain Mice
7. The Fightin' Amish
6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks
5. The Velveteen Rabbits
4. The Referee Killers
3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes
2. The Greasy Ferrets
1. The Highly Paid Dumb Guys

Top 10 Changes in the Mustang Ranch Now that It's Owned by the Government -
September 20, 1990

10. Airbags installed in headboards of all beds.
9. Popular "whipped cream treatment" now uses government surplus cheese.
8. A simple half and half now involves hours of paperwork.
7. Chipped beef on toast.
6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work.
5. Easygoing low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal
Service.
4. Etching of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford.
3. Name changed to Fort Dix.
2. Main gate marked by billboard of pantless Uncle Sam.
1. T-shirts in gift shop say: "I got screwed by the government."

Mrs. Hussein's Top 10 Tips for Keeping Your Husband Happy - September 21,
1990

10. Assure him he's just as maniacal as the day you met.
9. Leave little notes in his holster.
8. A little Woolite gets poison gas from most of your fine washables.
7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil off.
6. Double date with the Khadafys.
5. Freshly pressed slacks make a nice impression on forcibly detained
civilians.
4. Always offer to go first through a minefield.
3. When bowling keep telling him, "Boy, those pins really fly when you hit
them!"
2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car.
1. Goat casserole -- and plenty of it!

Top 10 Surprises in the Kruschev Tapes - September 25, 1990

10. Rosenbergs also gave KGB formula for McDonalds' secret sauce.
9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak.
8. Instigated long-term Soviet plan to destabilize New York Yankees
management.
7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime."
6. Castro? Gay.
5. Duet with Kenny Rogers.
4. Had names for each of his facial warts.
3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now" technique.
2. Dreamed of ground-breaking primetime show featuring cops that sing.
1. Most frightening moment in his life: seeing Brezhnev naked.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Cincinnati Maplethorpe Obscenity Trial -
September 26, 1990

10. Ewww! Gross!
9. May I once again request that the District Attorney refrain from
giggling?
8. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing here?
7. Why, Rusty the bailiff -- he's trembling!
6. Thanks for taking a personal interest in this case, Congressman Frank.
5. Didn't he get burned stirring his coffee that way?
4. And these were taken by the Hubble telescope?
3. Hey, how about these Bengals?
2. Wait a minute -- that's Neil Bush!
1. No, no -- I said subpoena!

Top 10 Ways "The Civil War" Series Would Be Different If It Were On NBC -
September 27, 1990

10. General Grant played by ALF.
9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud vs. bottles of Bud
Light.
8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers."
7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the wheel of a cool
talking car.
6. Early in war, Lincoln replaces McClellan with Deborah Norville.
5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas comments, "That's
gotta hurt!"
4. More emphasis on Matthew Brady's photographs of swimsuit models.
3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton.
2. Lincoln shot while watching taping of "The Golden Girls."
1. Would have pit Fanelli brother against Fanelli brother.

Top 10 Perks of Being Saddam Hussein, Jr. - September 28, 1990

10. Can use poison gas on paper route customers who don't tip.
9. Can cash check without I.D. at Baghdad Winn-Dixie.
8. On your birthday, can have Abu Nidal dressed as clown drive truck-bomb
into cake.
7. Though completely unqualified, can get high-paying job with Iraqi
savings and loan.
6. Those madman-to-madman chats with Dad.
5. Can take a leak in the fountain at the mall.
4. Since he doesn't work for NBC, he's eligible to play McMillions game!
3. Can annoy celebrities, browbeat bandleader, and whine to audience
(perks of being David Letterman).
2. One phonecall from Dad gets you a safe cushy position with National
Guard.
1. When you turn 21, you get Kuwait.

Top 10 Last-Minute Things To Do Before German Reunification - October 2,
1990

10. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem.
9. Decide which Elvis picture goes on new 50-Mark note.
8. Confirm arrangements for gorillagram announcements sent to all world
leaders.
7. Interview Emir of Kuwait as possible new leader.
6. Send out Quayle's invitation now, so it's sure to arrive late.
5. One final giddy night of East-West tensions.
4. For entertainment at ceremony, choreograph 100 Hitler impersonators.
3. Thank Letterman for orchestrating this whole reunification thing.
2. Stock up on Champale.
1. Practice saying, "We're going to Disneyland!"

Top 10 Ways Souter Celebrated His Confirmation - October 3, 1990

10. Smiled for a few seconds, then back to serious thoughts.
9. Bought Sandra Day O'Connor robe from Victoria's Secret.
8. Marched into judicial supply store and announced, "The gavels are on
me!"
7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith blasting.
6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over.
5. Made paper hat out of U.S. Constitution, filled it with beer, put it
on.
4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush money.
3. Ate his usual cottage cheese lunch off the chest of a $1,000-a-night
hooker.
2. Made prank call to guy who won the McMillions contest.
1. Gave a big wet kiss to Thurgood Marshall.

Top 10 Iraqi Bumper Stickers - October 5, 1990

10. Don't tailgate: car bomb on board.
9. Have you hugged your hostage today?
8. If we could vote, I'd vote "Yes" on bond issue 6.
7. If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical
weapons.
6. I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park.
5. Baghdad Wolverines: 1986 Division Champions.
4. Gay and proud of it.
3. I brake for Kuwaitis, then shoot them, and loot their homes.
2. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK.
1. Honk if you still have hands.

Top 10 Things Pete Rose Is Doing During the Playoffs - October 5, 1990

10. Sewing bedsheets into hot air balloon so he can float over walls and
fly to OTB.
9. Working on children's book: "Roy, the Elf with the Gambling Addiction."
8. Chess by mail with George Steinbrenner.
7. Co-authoring investment guide with Neil Bush.
6. Conjugal visits from San Diego Chicken.
5. Dining with Leona.
4. License plates! License plates! License plates!
3. Digging like crazy with tablespoon to get to Oakland by seventh game of
World Series.
2. Asking guards every five minutes if his sentence is up yet.
1. Laundry.

Top 10 20/20 Features Currently in Production - October 11, 1990

10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the United
States.
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but he's a
dog. Really.
7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle.
5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two? It's
three at least!
3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will!
2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
1. A guy from Pluto.

Top 10 Ways Saddam Hussein Can Win the Nobel Peace Prize - October 12, 1990

10. Announce a new nerve gas with a fresh pine scent.
9. Play bass with Sting at next rain forest concert.
8. Really nail the talent portion of the competition.
7. Go to McDonald's 28 days straight. Watch NBC. Win McMillions. Donate it
to charity.
6. Locate the guy who really played Buckwheat.
5. Never be seen in public without cute baby kitten on shoulder.
4. Orchestrate David Lee Roth/Van Halen reunion.
3. Announce he's cutting back on schedule to aggressively pursue having a
baby.
2. Get guy who decides prize a couple of hookers.
1. By killing himself.

Top 10 Oakland A's Excuses - October 23, 1990

10. Thought it was best out of 17.
9. Too worried about budget crisis to concentrate on game.
8. A very lucrative offer from Pete Rose.
7. Hard-of-hearing equipment manager filled bats with pork.
6. Afraid winners would get kissed by Morganna.
5. Tired from trying to talk Sinead O'Connor into singing national anthem.
4. Opposite team shouted "Swing!" when we got bad pitches.
3. Pulled abdominal muscles laughing at "The David Letterman Book of Top
Ten Lists" from Pocket Books -- a division of Simon & Schuster.
2. At the last minute, Canseco wanted his soul back.
1. Too busy choreographing nude locker room dance number for female
reporters.

Top 10 Provisions in the Lois Lane/Superman Pre-Nuptial Agreement - October
24, 1990

10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen.
9. Won't wear same color tights at social gatherings.
8. He has to clean up after his own Super Dog.
7. No kryptonite knick-knacks.
6. Lois must have Batman tattoo surgically removed.
5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go back in time and put
toilet seat down.
4. No use of heat vision around Ms. Lane's collection of decorative soaps.
3. Christmas Day with her folks; Protonium Even with his.
2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the Plaza Hotel.
1. Superman prohibited from using X-ray vision at beach.

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Doctor - October 25, 1990

10. His office is on the D train.
9. Also promises to paint any car for $99.95.
8. Last name Mengele.
7. You're in what seems like a long tunnel and at the end is some light
and the beckoning forms of loved ones who passed on years before.
6. Giggles uncontrollably when he hears the word "penis."
5. Keeps asking, "Is somebody frying baloney?"
4. In middle of exam says, "Ever heard of a show called Totally Hidden
Video?"
3. Diagnoses arterial swelling of thoraxic metatarsus as a lymphnodic
disorder.
2. Frequently wonders if you're getting enough fudge in your diet.
1. After he asks you to cough, says, "OK, now my turn."

Top 10 Changes in Mount Rushmore - October 31, 1990

10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead.
9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look cheap.
8. Add Morey Amsterdam.
7. Elegant new "Washington's Nose Cafe."
6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing.
5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Washington's ears.
4. Gag space that says: "Reserved for Dan Quayle."
3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the Three
Stooges.
2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows.
1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.

Top 10 Mafia Euphemisms for Death - November 1, 1990

10. Checked into the wooden Waldorf.
9. No longer eligible for census.
8. Dropping both AT&T and MCI.
7. Your highway taxes at work.
6. Upcoming guest on 20/20.
5. He's fallen and he can't get up.
4. Resting his organs.
3. McRibs (for a limited time only)
2. Kicked the oxygen habit.
1. Bought a Yugo.

Top 10 Ways To Get Hussein Out of Kuwait - November 2, 1990

10. Ask really nicely.
9. Tell Hussein he's won tickets to Giants game. As soon as he sits down
-- nab him!
8. Remind him that McRibs are for a limited time only.
7. Have phone company call every Iraqi soldier. Tell them they have to be
home the next day between 8 and 5.
6. Explain that what he's done is wrong. Then bomb him back to the Stone
Age.
5. Mention the old story about the place being haunted.
4. Convince him it's the senseless irrational thing to do.
3. Creep him out by having CIA ventriloquists make his pets say stuff
like: "Get out of Kuwait!"
2. Tell him you heard they were giving out fudge in Pakistan.
1. Get Charles Bronson to "clean house."

Top 10 Least Popular MTV Contests - November 7, 1990

10. Win stuff found in ZZ Top's beards.
9. Do time for James Brown.
8. Locked-in-Sting's-car-trunk fantasy weekend.
7. A date with Cher (must be under 16).
6. Win Michael Jackson's old nose.
5. Actually get to be one of the New Monkees -- not for a day, but
forever!
4. 100th caller gets to have dinner with 101st caller.
3. Shirt shopping with Paul Shaffer.
2. Peter, Paul, and you!
1. Try on Meatloaf's pants.

Top 10 Reasons Darryl Strawberry Is Leaving New York - November 8, 1990

10. Tired of using graffiti-covered bats.
9. He misses earthquakes.
8. Will get to sleep three hours later every day.
7. Tommy Lasorda puts on much better post-game buffet than Bud Harrelson.
6. Would rather get shot at on freeway than on subway.
5. No more really good -- I mean really good -- I mean get up and shout
for joy musicals on Broadway.
4. Life seems so empty without best friend Tom Carvel.
3. He's probably the Zodiac Killer.
2. Dodger Stadium has breathtaking view of ocean.
1. Tie: soaring crime rate/no tar pits.

Top 10 Least Popular TV Dinners - November 9, 1990

10. Split Pea & Hamster
9. Swanson's Sweaty Man Dinner
8. Hot 'n' Hearty Microbe Casserole
7. Scorched Canadian Geese Extracted from Commercial Jet Engines
6. Al Sharpton's Veal Medallions
5. Jolly Green Giant's Assorted Elf Parts
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Perch!
3. Old-Fashioned Singed Tabby
2. John Gotti's Guys-Who-Crossed-Me Stew
1. Freak Show Sushi

Top 10 Surprises in "Rocky V" - November 13, 1990

10. Don King's nude scene.
9. Fight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen.
8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father.
7. Rocky's new manager Fred McMurray puts flubber in Rocky's gloves. Rocky
knocks opponent to Mars.
6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn.
5. Rocky goes back into the ring to fight a younger, stronger opponent and
even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him, digs down and
musters all of the courage and heart he can and -- you'll never believe
this -- wins anyway!
4. Lovable character Chewbacca dies.
3. Weatherman Al Roker looks even bigger than last year. (A surprise of
"Live at 5.")
2. That the referee didn't stop the series at "Rocky III."
1. You paid $7.50 to see it.

Top 10 Ways To Get Out of Jury Duty - November 14, 1990

10. Bring note from Rusty the bailiff.
9. Ask if you get to execute criminals personally.
8. Keep saying very loudly, "Hey -- who's frying baloney?"
7. Every five minutes point to different person in courtroom and yell, "He
did it!"
6. Say you're looking forward to hearing judge sing -- like on "Cop Rock."
5. Ask if there will be opportunities to examine bloody undershirts.
4. Fly into a rage whenever Norwegians are mentioned.
3. Respond to every question, "Let me talk to the little man who lives in
my pants."
2. Tell them you've already done jury duty on "Matlock."
1. Ask the judge if he's wearing Aramis.

Top 10 Least Popular Brands of Cigarettes - November 15, 1990

10. Hint o' Lint 100's
9. Sleepy's Mattress-Flashers
8. Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific
7. Benson & Hedge Trimmings.
6. Die-Before-Your-Kid-Goes-To-College Lights
5. L&M Turkish Prison Standards
4. Ozark Eddie's Mentholated Skeeter Chasers
3. Marion Barry "Extras"
2. Mr. Butt
1. Oscar Mayer Smokable Weenies

Top 10 New Jobs for Milli Vanilli - November 16, 1990

10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, and Vanilli.
9. Camp counselors in Father Flanagan's Pretty Boys Town.
8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercials.
7. Try to sell Ben and Jerry's on idea for "Milli Vanilla."
6. Cartoon pals to Chilly Willy.
5. Professional object of scorn and ridicule for years to come.
4. Fact-checkers at 20/20 (Buckwheat division).
3. Even Newer Kids on the Block.
2. Extremely groovy fry cooks.
1. Who cares? Just so long as we don't hear from them ever again.

Top 10 New York City Thanksgiving Traditions - November 20, 1990

10. Taking a hooker to the Mayflower Hotel.
9. Traveling over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's crack
den.
8. Go to supermarket, try to fit three frozen turkeys in pants.
7. Al Sharpton's Sports Festive Sweet Potato Medallion.
6. Get spot on roof of building for Macy's parade; try to spit on Santa.
5. Free slivers of ham placed in taxicab change slots.
4. Fun pilgrim hat drawn on all chalk body outline.
3. Family gathers at table holds hand and recites the Miranda rights.
2. Turning off the Jets game after first quarter.
1. Finish your meal, loosen your belt, then doze off until the manager of
the Sizzler calls the cops.

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Macy's Parade - November
21, 1990

10. Every time a float goes by, scream at the top of lungs: "She's gonna
blow!"
9. Asking total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders.
8. Going up on Macy's roof; "fishing" for Willard's toupee.
7. Throwing hotel keys onto float with Little Bo Peep.
6. Rubbing Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair; sticking it on the
Chrysler Building.
5. Cold-cocking Santa; taking his place dressed as Roy Orbison.
4. Entering your own float: The Life-Size Beat-Up Camaro with 15 Dudes
Crammed in It.
3. Taking a leak off the side of the reviewing stand.
2. Go on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day parade
is.
1. Marching pantsless.

Top 10 Iraqi Thanksgiving Traditions - November 22, 1990

10. Loudly giving thanks for Saddam Hussein just in case the house is
bugged.
9. Turkey carved by oldest family member who still has hands.
8. Watching the Baghdad Bengals beat the Jets.
7. Stuffing the turkey with plastic explosives.
6. Go to Adrian's Mom's house and hang around (one of Rocky's Thanksgiving
traditions).
5. Eat huge pile of sand; doze off in front of TV.
4. Watch Macy's parade via satellite; renew vow to kill Willard Scott.
3. Slow cook turkey with poison gas.
2. Put on foam clown noses; squirt each other with seltzer (a wacky
Thanksgiving tradition).
1. Have nice dinner; take over small, defenseless country.

Top 10 Things Dennis Thatcher Will Miss - November 23, 1990

10. All those men in powdered wigs hanging around.
9. During summits, getting hair done with Mrs. Mitterand.
8. All the free sample stuff from the Wham-O company.
7. Taking the lift up to the flat or the pram or the telly or whatever the
hell they call it.
6. Winning fortune in bar bets by claiming he could screw the Prime
Minister.
5. Using that "10 Downing Street" address and having Dominos deliver in 5
minutes.
4. Going through Churchill's collection of old Playboy's.
3. Those Saturday nights when he and Maggie would finish entire bottle of
Jack Daniels and start making up some laws.
2. Weekly saunas with Benny Hill.
1. The admiration of unemployed, freeloading husbands everywhere.

Orville Redenbacher's Top 10 Most Horrifying Secrets - November 28, 1990

10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion."
9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times.
8. He was raised by white mice.
7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves.
5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory.
4. Two words: Asian escorts.
3. Has small vestigial wings.
2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say,
"Oops!" whenever they fall down.
1. That ain't butter.

Top 10 Official Titles of Saddam Hussein - November 30, 1990

10. Big Oily Lion of the Desert
9. Allah's L'il Buddy
8. Inventor of the Pet Rock
7. King of the Future Taxi Drivers
6. Goodwill Ambassador for the Kinney Shoe Company (recently revoked)
5. Guardian of the Men's Room Key, Baghdad Sunoco
4. That Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy
3. Miss Nude Canada, 1986
2. Underestimator of U.S. Military Might Which Could Blow His Butt from
Here to Mars
1. The Hardest Working Tyrant in Show Business

Top 10 Fast Food Franchises in Iraq - December 12, 1990

10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
9. Sand-in-the-Box
8. Saddam's Big Boy
7. Goats 'n' Stuff
6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
5. Donkey Hut
4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
3. Tony Roma's
2. Taco Tent
1. Stuff Your Hump

Top 10 Signs Gorbachev Is on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown - December
13, 1990

10. At recent state dinner, kept goosing Belgian ambassador.
9. Constantly calls Time-Life operators, chats for hours and never orders
anything.
8. In interview with Hugh Downs, passed himself off as Buckwheat.
7. Tried to get service in 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Recently caught living in my house claiming to be Mrs. Letterman.
5. Can suddenly understand everything Shirley MacLaine says.
4. Opened discount electronics store and is selling things at prices so
low he's practically giving them away!
3. Thinks he has a red spot on his head.
2. Put everything he had on the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.
1. Shoots out TV every time Robert Goulet comes on.

Top 10 Reasons To Give Dan Quayle a Raise - December 15, 1990

10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
8. His father threatened to make trouble.
7. To match the salary of Millie, the White House dog.
6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an
entire industry?
5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek conventions.
4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War.
3. To keep the money out of the hands of undeserving teachers and
firefighters.
2. Oh what the hell -- they're only giving him play money anyway.
1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.

Top 10 Promotional Slogans for the Suicide Machine - December 18, 1990

10. Just try it once -- that's all we ask.
9. The quicker putter downer.
8. Isn't it about time you took an honest look at your stinking miserable
life?
7. From the people who brought you "The Clapper."
6. Impress the chicks in hell.
5. Claus von Bulow says, "I liked it so much, I bought the company!"
4. While I'm killing myself, I'm also cleaning my oven.
3. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you!
2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes -- it's free!
1. We're not the heartbeat of America.

Top 10 Elf Occupational Hazards - December 19, 1990

10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats.
9. Tinsel lung.
8. Mistakenly drinking paint.
7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea.
6. When a reindeer takes a leak on you.
5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into giant gas turbines.
4. Ringworm.
3. Two words: lawn darts.
2. Fired when G.E. takes over company.
1. Hammer fights.

Top 10 Items from the North Pole Police Blotter - December 20, 1990

10. Two white male elves caught shoplifting condoms at Pay 'n' Save.
9. Santa stabbed for his jacket.
8. Broke up domestic squabble between Dancer and Prancer.
7. Female polar bear at disco allegedly fondled by Mike Tyson.
6. Frosty the snowman caught taking a leak in subway; claimed he was just
"melting."
5. Unidentified 3' 6" male wearing pointy cap and bells on shoes shot dead
while dining at local Italian eatery.
4. Santa's sleigh found completely stripped 5,000 miles away on
Cross-Bronx Expressway.
3. Woman keeps breaking into Santa's home claiming to be Mrs. Claus.
2. Issued warning at frat party to turn down the Burl Ives records.
1. Arrested 35-year-old white male who refused to get off Santa's lap.

Top 10 Real Reasons Shevardnadze Resigned - December 21, 1990

10. Didn't want to buy Christmas gifts for all the other guys in the
Politburo.
9. Offered chance to be opening act for Yakov Smirnoff.
8. Got a good deal on a house in Chernobyl.
7. Tired of falling for Boris Yeltsin's "pull my finger" trick.
6. Strangely found himself increasingly attracted to Gorbachev.
5. Kremlin wouldn't come up with Canseco dollars.
4. He's developing a show for Russian television about cops who sing.
3. Decided to follow the Grateful Dead full-time.
2. Got hit on head with bowling ball; now he thinks he's Ralph Kramden.
1. Found out there was more chance for advancement at Moscow McDonalds.

Top 10 Most Frequently Returned Christmas Gifts - December 26, 1990

10. The Sunbeam Six-Slice Shower Toaster.
9. Raymond Burr's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videocassette.
8. New York Jets playoff tickets.
7. The Devout Muslim Nation Joke Book.
6. The Black & Decker Forehead Sander.
5. Bag of Live Mice.
4. Super-Itchy Slipper-Socks from Super-Itchy Technologies, Hartford,
Connecticut.
3. Dr. Kevorkian's Suicide Machine.
2. Cop Rock Junior Soprano Detective Kit.
1. "Lick Me" -- The Board Game.

Top 10 Reject Bowl Game Titles - December 27, 1990

10. The Ben-Gay Bowl
9. The White Guys All-Star Game
8. The Cupless Classic
7. The Festival of Big Sweaty Men on Steroids
6. I Don't Think It's a Fracture But I Can't Be Sure Until We Take Some
X-Rays Bowl
5. Saddam Hussein's Scrimmage unto Death
4. The Guys Who Came Really Close To Passing Their Drug Test Classic
3. The Tournament of Hoses
2. Sissy Boy Slap Party
1. Manute Bowl

Dan Quayle's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 28, 1990

10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy"
remark.
9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the
elephant.
8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got her's
to.
7. Eat a zillion M&M's.
6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen and I
can't get up!"
5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him.
4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say, "What a
funny hat!"
3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie."
2. Three words: catch road runner.
1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.

--
--Henry Churchyard chu...@emx.cc.utexas.edu