Marine Jokes
Randy Bayuk
e pluribus unum
This space intentionally left blank
>I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>
>e pluribus unum
A US Marine, a British soldier and a French Legionaire are captured by
canibals. They put up a grand fight, but there were just too many and they
were overwhelmed.
The canibal chief says that they will be eaten, and their skins used to
cover the tribe's canoes, but, since they had proven themselves to be truely
awsome fighting men, as a sign of respect they would be allowed to kill
themselves, rather than the usual practice of being tortured to death.
The three were presented with a selection of implements with which to do
themselves in.
The French Legionaire selected a knife, shouted, "Viva la France!" and cut
his own throat.
The British soldier chose a pistol, shouted, "God save the queen!" and shot
himself in the head.
The US Marine picked up a big fork, and started stabing himself in the chest
while shouting, "FUCK your canoe!!"
-- Mike "semper fidelis" Bartman --
==============================================================================
| I didn't really say all the things that I said. You probably didn't read |
| what you thought you read. Statistics show that this whole thing is more |
| than likely just a hideous misunderstanding. |
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Clayton
his head. They make him get up at the crack of dawn and walk around
chanting all day. And he has to wear the same kind of clothes as
everyone else in this cult wears. I think someone should do something
about this cult they call "The Marines".
_______________________________________________________________________________
Robert Clayton, Bursar |InterNet rob...@naropa.edu
The Naropa Institute |Voice Phone (303) 546-3512
2130 Arapahoe Avenue |Fax Machine (303) 444-0410
Boulder, CO 80302 |
___________________________________________________|___________________________
Mike Eggleston
> I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes? e
> pluribus unum
Q: What does it sound like when shit hits the fan?
A: 'mmmmaaaarrrrriiiinnnneee'
Q: What was the first balistic missile powered submarine?
A: A marine with a rubber-band around his feet and a hand grenade.
--
--
Mike Eggleston EggTech Services
(817)263-7060 4636 Southwest Loop 820, #180
Fort Worth, Texas 76109
Only my opinions. Web and Internet Adveritsing
Greg Wigham
>I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>
>e pluribus unum
A Sailor and a Marine went into a restroom to use the urinals. Afterward the
Marine went to the sink to wash his hands while the Sailor just walked out of
the restroom. The Marine caught up with the Sailor and asked "Didn't the Navy
teach you to wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" To which the Sailor
says "Didn't the Marines teach you not to piss on your hands?"
Jim Freemon
He was stuck in the chicken.
--
Jim
Shelley McRoberts
USMC = U Suckers Missed Christmas
USMC... When It Absolutely Positively HAS to be killed overnight.
Sorry... pretty generic :(
Hamish, Louise, Will, & Pete Waugh
When I was visiting a friend at Fort Campbell years ago, there was a
marine guard detail at the main gate. This struck me as kind of
strange, as Fort Campbell is an Army base. So I asked him. "Hey, why
do they have Marines guarding an Army base. You're not afraid those
Army guys will carry it away, are you?" He looked a little confused
and said "No. Most of them are pretty nice guys."
I guess you had to be there. I had a hard time not losing it. Of
course, I don't know what you want Marine jokes for. This might be
appropriate for opening a speech to Army officers. I wouldn't use it
on Marines, though. Best to keep it simple.
Reo H. Maynard
: I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
:
: e pluribus unum
USMC
Uncle Sam's Misguided Children
(from Dick Marcinko)
--
Reo H. Maynard III sci...@infi.net
http://www.infi.net/~scipio
Senator Exon for Dictator '96
Timothy Ewing
M uscles
A re
R equired
I ntellegence
N ot
E ssential
--
If you don't like the rules........change them
Chris M.
>I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>e pluribus unum
THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES
(A story of Creation)
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In
the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and
without form. so God created the heavens and the Earth. He created
the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce
the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea,
and filled with many assorted creatures.
And the dark, salty, slimey creatures that inhabited the
murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed
them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells
at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to
hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns
and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and
banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not
have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved
creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore", instead of
titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flakey creatures of the land, God called soldiers.
And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he
could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too
large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they might
warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them
badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate.
And he gave them emblems and crests...and all sorts of shiny thing
that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you're God you
tend to get carried away).
On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air
creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform,
especially for Air Farce flyboys. But he discarded the idea during
the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles
resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the
"wild blue yonder wonders."
On the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th
day, at 0730, God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy.
God was not happy! So he thought about his labors, and in his
divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And he called this
Marine. And these Marines, whom God had created in his own image,
were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these
he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue
with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful
tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could
wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them
service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave
them evening and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome
things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday
night and impress everybody! He even gave them swords, so that
people who were not impressed, could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the
Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was
still not happy! Because in the course of his labors, he had
forgotten one thing. He did not have a Marine uniform for himself.
But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally
satisfied in knowing that, well....not everybody can be a MARINE
Anthony Tiscareno X-3865
> Randy Bayuk (rba...@206.26.32.10) wrote:
> : I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
> :
> : e pluribus unum
>
>
>
> Uncle Sam's Misguided Children
>
> (from Dick Marcinko)
>
> --
> Reo H. Maynard III sci...@infi.net
> http://www.infi.net/~scipio
>
> Senator Exon for Dictator '96
U.S.M.C.
Uncle Sam's Misforgotten Children
Anthony Tiscareno
Semper Fi
We have done so much with so little that, we are now qualified
to do the impossible with nothing. Unofficial Marine motto
Paul Santiago
>==========Anthony Tiscareno X-3865, 3/27/96==========
U.S.M.C
yoU Suckers Missed Christmas
Semper Fi.
200 years of tradition, unhampered by progress.
Paul
CassandraJackson
When a helicopter flies over the base.
Navy (pointing to the sky): "There goes a helo"
Air Force (pointing to the sky): "There goes a helicopter"
Army (pointing to the sky): "There goes a chopper)
Marines (pointing to the sky): "Ooh ooh ooh..."
I have nothing against the Marines, but I laughed my ass off when my
brother told me that joke.
CIJ
Tye Leslie Sanders
>Randy Bayuk (rba...@206.26.32.10) wrote:
>: I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>:
>: e pluribus unum
The Drill Sergeant of a Marine unit decided to find out
just how tough his troops were, so on a freezing cold,
snow covered morning he called them out on parade.
The Marines stood to attention, steam emitting from their
nostrils as they breathed.
"RIGHT, YOU WEAK PACK OF TURKEYS," yelled the sergeant.
"STRIP OUTTA THEM UNIFORMS!" The marines obeyed and stood
at attention, buck naked in the freezing snow. Goose bumps
started to form on their bodies.
The sergeant appoached the unit with a riding crop and stood
directly in front of the first marine. He raised the crop
and struck the face of the marine with it.
"DID THAT HURT YOU, PRIVATE?" yelled the sergeant.
"NO SIR!" came the reply. "BECAUSE I AM A U.S. MARINE, SIR!"
Undaunted, the sergeant moved along and came to a man whose
chest was starting to turn blue with cold. He raised the crop
and whacked it 3 times across the man's chest. Blood started
to ooze from the welts that appeared.
"DID THAT HURT YOU, PRIVATE?" he asked again.
"NO SIR! BECAUSE I AM A U.S. MARINE SIR!"
The sergeant was becoming quite pleased with his unit's performance,
when he spied a man with a rather noticable erection. Once again he
raised the crop and flailed wildly at the man's willy until it was
a bleeding mess.
"DID THAT HURT YOU, PRIVATE?"
"NO SIR! BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE GUY BEHIND ME SIR!"
--
#############################################################
# T. Leslie Sanders # "It's true that there's #
#les...@brisbane.DIALix.oz.au # a fool born every minute... #
# Brisbane, # It's also true that they #
# Queensland, # don't die that fast." #
# Australia # - John Laws #
#############################################################
Larry Bump
>In article <4it7un$n...@foothills.eznet.com>, rba...@206.26.32.10 (Randy Bayuk) writes:
>>I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>>
I am a former member of the United States Air Force.
I wanted to join the army, but I wasn't qualified. My parents were
married.
Then I tried to join the marines, but when they found out my parents
were not related, they sent me away.
One day in the restroom (We didn't use "latrines" in the USAF), there
was a jarhead (marine) at the urinal next to me. When we were done, I
went to leave. He stopped at the sink and said "You know, in the
Marines they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom".
I told him that in the Air Force they teach us not to piss on our
fingers.
John Baker
> > pluribus unum
Public Address system at a military base:
"May I have your attention please; the time is now eighteen hundred hours
- eighteen hundred hours. For those of you civilians on base that's six
p.m. For those members of the Naval Services that's four bells (?). And
for those of you Marines, the big hand is on the twelve..."
--
John Baker
cjb4...@pegasus.cc.ucf.edu
Paul Intihar
Two; one to do the love making and the other to count cadence.
Mark Foy
> I told him that in the Air Force they teach us not to piss on our
> fingers.
Was there a lot of demand for such training in the Air Force?
Deep Six
They start out green, turn yellow, and usually die in bunches.
Okay then,
Chadd VanZanten SL...@CC.USU.EDU ``We are flowers growing in god's garden;
that is why he spreads the shit around.'' David Byrne, uh-oh
GEM
Roger M. Wilcox
A) Throw some sand on a wall and tell him to beach.
--
rog...@robadome.com (Roger M. Wilcox) - AKA - tra...@zoom.com (Jeff Boeing)
-------------+---- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low -------------------
MSTie #38808 | Quick-N-Dirty Aviation
I'm Sodium! | "Trading altitude for airspeed since 1992"
crs
well endowed (and very pretty and self confident) woman walking in
the opposite direction. One turns to the other and says:
"God, what a set of knockers! I'd like to bury my head in those for
a few minutes and go (shake your head from side to side)
blrblrblrblrblr."
The woman appeared very upset at the sexist remark to the point where
the other Marine felt he had to say something.
"I hope you'll pardon my buddy, m'am. You see, he ain't well brought
up and he don't know how to talk to cunt."
Keith Williams
dka6...@gmail.com
> I work with a former Marine. Anyone got any good Marine jokes?
>
> e pluribus unum
USMC= U Signed a Motherfucking Contract.