Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor 6/7
My name is Forrest Gump
-= business humor =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------
From Microsoft
Everett, Washington:
A businessman complained during an Everett City Council meeting about drug users
employing telephones and pagers to make connections in downtown areas. Just
after his comments, a city communications specialist's pager sounded, to a
chorus of laughter. City photographer Louis Filger turned off his beeper and
left the room with an embarrassed expression.
-= business humor =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------
The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its annual Report on
the Status of Technical Writers today. This report, issued by the STC's Writers'
Committee on Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of technical
writers throughout the world and documents abuses against them. It also includes
a handy quick-reference guide to basic Fortran compiler options.
Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world
over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular,
writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report
noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.)
The report concludes:
To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical
Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's
age-old nemeses: Bigotry... Hatred... Right Justification. If the human
race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and
in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered
by fear, privation, or schedules.
Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include:
o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two
years.
o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national
language.
o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical
writers, with no apparent loss of readability.
o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to
torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky
daisy wheel printers.
o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable."
o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors"
is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different
spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form
of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly
thing off his cedilla.
o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of
chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and
confused, to be exact.)
o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer
countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings, forcing them to pay
attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other
attendees.
o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone
tablets, which jam PostScript printers.
What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the
cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect
cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High
Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are
categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that
you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to
go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer
friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers
you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening.
A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local
samadzat.
(C) 1992 Mateo Burtch
-= business humor =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------
About 15 customers had gathered their grocery items at a Safeway in Oxon Hill,
Md., shortly after 10 A.M. on Christmas morning and were lined up at the
checkout lanes, but no cashiers were on duty, and no one answered calls to the
back of the store. Local police were called and, after investigating, found
that the Christmas Eve crew had accidentally left the lights on and the doors
unlocked, giving shoppers the impression that it was open.
-= business humor =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------
An American, a German, and a Japanese are serving as monitors in a U.N.
peacekeeping force. They are captured by the anti-democratic rebel forces, and
told that, as representatives of "regressive regimes", they will be shot before
a firing squad at daybreak.
Morning arrives. The Japanese national is led before the firing squad and
offered a blindfold. The captain says to him, "Do you have any final words,
imperialist pig?!"
The Japanese man replies. "Before I am killed, I would like to take just a
few moments to explain the importance of Total Quality."
Whereupon the American jumps forward and pleads, "Please! Please! Shoot me
first!"
-= business humor =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------
Dave Barry on pyramid schemes:
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we
now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on
for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a
primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile
thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great
big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific
idea. It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had
been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog
was in the Bahamas.
-= business humor =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------
The issue of "Look and Feel" taken a bit too far?
Notice on a package: "The shape and appearance of this package constitute a
trademark of the John O. Butler Co." Seen on a container of Dental Floss!
-= business humor =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------
A colleague pointed out the following passages in the latest issue of "The Right
Match: A Magazine of Career Management," published by AT&T Corporate Career
Systems/Employee Development (from an article that originally appeared in
"Working Woman," July 1992):
Jobs Built to Last
The 25 Hottest Careers
America may be slow getting back on its economic feet, but we have definitely
sniffed change in the air. The careers we've chosen are built for endurance,
beyond the end of the year, into the next century... Second on the list is:
Bankruptcy Attorney
-= business humor =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
"People Weekly" magazine reported that Avon cosmetics company has more than
36,000 sales representatives in the Amazonia region of Brazil, with sales
growing at 50 percent a year. Avon representatives in Amazonia sell the
complete range of Avon products, from lipstick, moisturizer, and mascara to
men's bikini briefs, and accept for payment almost any barterable items, such as
fish.
-= business humor =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Address A Non-Sexist Business Letter
By Andrew Berman
Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:
Dear Sir,
Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is
reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing:
Dear Sir/Madam,
This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue related news
groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the masculine title before
the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was demonstrated, making this non-PC.
So, I tried to fix it:
Dear Madam/Sir,
Well, this is no good since we're showing dominance in the other direction. Of
course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are Oppressees, that may not be so
bad. But it's not *really* PC, is it? Ok, let's try again:
Dear Sir
Madam,
Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir is on top
now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style het-sexist imagery
abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the original. Ok, what about:
Dear Madam
Sir,
Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was sexist as
they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still have one on top of
the other showing dominance. We may not sure who's doing what, but *somebody* is
being oppressed here. Next:
Dear MadSiram,
Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither is above
the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has inserted himself inside
the Madam! Practically splitting her in two with himself! How pornographic! A
man writing a letter addressed like this to a woman is obviously making an
(unwanted) sexual advance. If he were at Antioch college, he'd be suspended for
a year and have to go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a
fit!
Dear SMadamir,
Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped the Madam!
Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self! This is imprisonment!
Ugh, how could I have even thought of this one? I'm so ashamed!
Well, there's only one answer left:
To Whom it May Concern
There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not very
friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting rid of
friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that absolutely no-one is
ever, *ever* offended.
-= business humor =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its
destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent stamp on a letter and
it can take three to four weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!
(From the letter column in Harper's Magazine, in response to an article about
the US Post Office.)
-= business humor =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------
An Unusual Telephone Service Call
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontrario about a repair
call he handled while living in England.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).
When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for
the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be
signalled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did ring her dog always barked first. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked
loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat
found:
a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the
ground.
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
-= business humor =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------
Heard on Paul Harvey News:
The unemployment rate is still so bad in Lebanon, Indiana. In a post office, a
sign was posted: "WANTED for Armed Robbery". 25 people responded.
-= business humor =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------
The Minnesota Chamber of Commerce recently lauded the waste management practice
of the Crib Diaper Service of Plymouth, Minn., in capturing and donating the
lint gathered from laundering 250,000 diapers per week to a casket manufacturer
to use in stuffing casket pillows, which saves the diaper service $3,000 a year.
-= business humor =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A 1995 raise for millions of white collar federal employees was reduced from
2.6% to 2% by the President, who called it an "alternative pay adjustment"
instead of a pay cut. While some bureaucrats criticized the action, Clinton's
choice of words was lauded by the Federal Euphemism Advisory Board.
-= business humor =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
The staid Brit journal "The Economist" needed to illustrate their cover story
"The Trouble With Mergers," about problems resulting from recent corporate
couplings. "It's quite difficult to illustrate corporate mergers," said
editor-in-chief Bill Emmott. He settled on a photograph of a pair of copulating
camels. Rejecting mating elephants, hippos and rhinos, he chose the camels
partly because of the old joke that a camel is "a horse designed by committee."
-= business humor =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Original, from fellow co-worker Mike Meyer, making fun of the recent mergers and
acquisitions in our field of work (with apologies to our colleagues over at
L-M.)
Lockheed-Martin To Purchase U.S. Department Of Defense
Washington (AP) - In yet another example of the continuing consolidation of
the U.S. defense industry, Lockheed-Martin announced that it and the Federal
Government have agreed to an outright purchase of the Department of Defense.
The merger, valued at $2 trillion dollars, reflects the continuing
aggressiveness of Lockeed-Martin in securing a lasting position in the defense
business, which has been lately beset by sharp reductions in government
spending.
"I've always wanted to have my own army," said Norman R. Augustine, president
of Lockheed-Martin. "This merger will pave the way for improved margins for our
stockholders, and will allow us far greater control over our international
market. If we want a contract from now on, we'll just roll out the tanks and
-= business humor =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
The following was by someone at Kennedy Space Center, found floating around the
office. Background information. Lockheed Corporation (makers of the SR-71,
F-16, C-103, U-2 (not the band silly ;-)) and many space items (including
launching the Space Shuttle), defense, etc) and Martin Marietta (makers of the
Titan II, Titan 3, Titan 4, Atlas, electronics, space craft, defense, etc.)
announced recently that they are planning in merging. This would make the
company the largest defense/space company in the world. The merger has to be
approved by the U.S. Government.
U.S. Air Force To Merge With Lockheed/Martin
Washington (UPI) - In an statement that shocked the defense industry, the
U.S. Air Force announced today that it will merge with the recently merged
Lockheed-Martin conglomerate. Air Force Chief of Staff Merrill McPeak made the
announcement at a White House ceremony today.
"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the
contracting world even more closely," McPeak said of the $600 trillion deal. The
merger would be the second largest in the country, topped only by the recent
marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.
The plans for the new company, to be called Air Lockletta, are somewhat
sketchy but sources say that the former contractors will move into military
housing at already closed military bases around the country. Air Lockletta
believes that forcing their employees into government housing will save the
company billions of dollars a year.
The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though. Many of the former
contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up their
frequent flier miles to the Company and many of the former Air Force personnel
were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every morning.
"It's just not fair," said Capt. Jim Lindsay of Onizuka Air Station, "I've
invested thousands of dollars in polyester pants and patent leather shoes and
they just pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where am I going to get the
money to pay for new clothing and, more importantly, how will I know if it
matches? They ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms instead."
Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin company are also unhappy because the
value of their stock plummeted with the announcement. Analysts say that the
drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due to the
merger with the Air Force.
The merger has left the other services scrambling to look into mergers of
their own. The Navy is interested in a deal with Carnival Cruise lines, but
Kathy Lee Gifford has said that she and Richard Simmons oppose a government
takeover. The Army is saying it is keeping its options open but that it expects
to close a deal with the Marines sometime in the near future. The Marines,
upset at not having been included in the Navy negotiations with Carnival, say
that they want to be affiliated with another organization, and for once an
organization that is smarter than they are.
Many say that the Air Lockletta merger will take a while to "fit" the people,
though. "We know how to spend money but we don't know a damn thing about making
it," said an unidentified Lt. Col. in charge of OD-4/DH, a former Air Force
Organization. Many analysts agree with the Lt. Col. and have said that the
company will have trouble initially.
-= business humor =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Rolls-Royce has come out with what could be called the ultimate traveling work
place. It's a version of its Silver Spur III sedan with extras that include
three cellular phone lines (one each for fax, driver, and owner), dual video
screens in the front seat headrests, a hi-fi VCR, and fold-down compartments
that reveal a laptop computer, fax machine, and printer. Mobile Office magazine,
which admiringly describes the car as a "$250,000 Phone Booth," says it also
features a champagne-chilling refrigerator, "to celebrate the consummation of
the business deal."
================================================================================
== SALES HUMOR =================================================================
-= sales humor =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street one day and he saw a 'Salesman Wanted' sign
in a window. He went in the store the owner came out and said, "Can I help you?"
"I'I'IIII w'w'waannnttt j'j'jjoooobbbb." said the man.
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking problem."
said the owner.
"I'I'III h'h'avvee a'a'a wif'f'fe annd 6'6' k'k'ids a'a'ndd I'I n'neeeed
th'th'e j'joobb." said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H'here'sss your mm'money."
said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him
out.
The man came back in two hours and said, "H'here'sss your mm'money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than
anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they
come to the door?"
"W'welll" said the man, "III r'r'ing the d'd'oor b'b'ell a'a'nd
s's'say 'M'M'aaddammm, d'd'o y'y'ou w'w'ant t'to b'buy t'this B'Bible o'o'rrr
d'd'o y'you w'w'w'ant m'me t't'o read it to you?"
-= sales humor =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a
knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while
she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and
says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
-= sales humor =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Tooth Brush Salesman
A man walk into a department store, finds the manager and says, "I really
need a job, how about giving me a chance?" Manager says, "Sure, but you have to
sell these 500 toothbrushes in a week to get the job." Our hero takes the
toothbrushes and leaves.
Next week, he comes back with the toothbrushes and finds the manager, "I
didn't get any of these sold, but please, _please_, give me another chance."
Manager says, "Ok, but you have to take another 500 toothbrushes." Our man takes
the toothbrushes and tries his luck again.
Again Our Man comes back with the 1000 toothbrushes, talks to the manager,
gets another 500 toothbrushes and tries his luck... So he comes back in a week,
not with 1500 toothbrushes but with a bag of money. The manager gives him the
job and wants to know his trick.
Our Hero says, "Well, the ideas came to me a couple of days ago. I set up a
table on a busy street corner with a bowl of chips, bowl of shit, and a sign
saying 'Free Chip & Dip'. Someone would come along, dip the chip, and
say, 'Yuck! That tastes like shit!' and, of course, I would reply, 'Sir, you
are right, here, have a toothbrush!"
-= sales humor =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide
"Essentially complete."
Half done.
"Impact being determined."
Where the hell are we?
"We predict..."
We hope to God!
"Drawing release is lagging."
Not a single drawing exists.
"Risk is high, but acceptable."
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
"Is producing increasingly good"
It can now be read with the copies. Naked eye.
"Schedule resolution has a high priority."
When we get around to it. We'll find out where we are.
"Potential show stopper."
All program teams have updated their resumes.
"Serious, but not insurmountables, problems."
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
"Basic agreement, however..."
The S. O. B.'s won't even talk to each other.
"Results are being quantified."
We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion.
"Very difficult to maintain the field."
The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each unit.
"Task force to review."
Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision.
"Not well defined."
Nobody's thought about it.
"Requires further analysis and management attention."
Totally out of control.
"Appears to be attainable."
It will take a miracle.
"Less than expected."
Bombed out.
"This is high risk program."
No way we can make launch.
"Schedule exposed."
We slipped three weeks ago.
-= sales humor =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T Long Distance.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get
home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your
kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (Scream!!!) Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the
fiber optic clarity of your son's plea...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job as part of
their new work-release program. Let's get together and talk about switching
over." - Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I know I'm
talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a recording - of
Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I say, "AT&T never put me on
hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I
got." - Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room
window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it.
Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." - Mary Hoppin,
consumer services manager, Asian Sources Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says, "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb your
house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened me like that."
And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T." - Paul Gosselin, free-lance
copywriter, Nashville
-= sales humor =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman stops at a gas station to take a shit. The restroom has
two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys
acknowledge each other and go about with their business. The salesman finishes
first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks
at it, thinks for a moment and throws $50 bill into the bowl.
The other guy asks, "Why did you do that?"
The salesman goes, "Don't expect to put my hand in there for 35 cents."
-= sales humor =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Here is a phone exchange I had one afternoon with a telephone solicitor who had
called me trying to sell a long distance company (this was done just after AT&T
broke up). Sm = salesman, Me = me.
Ring Ring Ring
Me: Hello?
Sm: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
are you today, sir?
Me: <bemused> Fine.
Sm: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: <now witha devilish grin> Duuuh... I duuno....
Sm: You don't know? Well, how would you like to be hooked up with the best
satellite phone network of the 80's? We use -
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my friend from, uh, far away?
Sm: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best -
Me: <trying to keep from giggling> He lives in Pango Pango...
Sm: Yes, I see. Well, you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll -
Me: He has a lizard you know....his name is Ralph.
Sm: I see, well, you can -
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
Sm: Well -
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh...leaves.
Sm: <haggardly> Well, you will save money by using our new optical -
Me: Save money? Really?
Sm: Of course! And if you -
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
Sm: Pardon me? <really threw him there>
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
Sm: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you -
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
Sm: Ah, no. You see, it works like this -
Me: 'Cause my friend, Tom, got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof...and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
Sm: Well, me don't actually come to your house -
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
Sm: If you could give me a minute to explain the process -
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finally gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
-= sales humor =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
This joke is the original work of Fred Wheeler and Jeff Sorenson (a hysterical
conspiracy theorist). It is a parody of recent AT&T commercials that ask, "Have
you ever read a book from around the world?" and respond, "You will, and the
company that will bring it to you is AT&T."
Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in your
pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen
account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the
globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and activities
than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on the
beach?
______
| |
| You |
| Will |
|______|
And the company that will bring this to you
is AT&T
-= sales humor =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
At a clothing store, you can play games with the store clerk as per the
instructions of Steven Wright:
Clerk: Can I help you?
You: Yes, do you have anything I would like?
Clerk: How would I know what you like?
You: I dunno, you started this.
-= sales humor =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a
"scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's manager
would summon this guy and fire him on the spot to appease the angry customer.
-= sales humor =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Paper Or Plastic?
And how about witty comebacks to that age old question, "Paper or Plastic?"
Try this. Go to your local supermarket. Get a can of soup. Look for the most
_clueless_ checker there (there will be one, guaranteed). When they ask if you
want a bag for that, look absolutely horrified and respond, "No thanks, I think
I'll keep it in the can!" or "Wow, do people _usually_ put their soup in a
bag?". Buy a bag of chips. When they offer a bag, examine your chips and say,
"No thanks, I think it comes with one."
Premptive strike: before they can ask you, "paper or plastic," you ask them:
"Paper or plastic?" "Duh..." Pull out a $20 bill and a credit card. Again
repeat: "Paper or plastic??"
If you bought some laundry detergent, rat poison, or household cleansers,
when they ask about a bag, reply, "No thanks, I'll eat it here."
-= sales humor =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's
home in outback Australia.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt
over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman
says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off
myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for
electricity yet!"
-= sales humor =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
A very successful businessman was leaving his office building and saw a
small boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the businessman,
"Hey, how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do
you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special
tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand
dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Manner of
fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every
year."
The businessman felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young
man and expounded on how a item had to produce more income than it consumed to
equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who
just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the
young man, the businessman went on his way.
A few weeks later, the businessman came out of his office building and the
small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I
see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty
thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand
dollar cats."
-= sales humor =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following has been culled from the business pages of the New York Times
(Thursday, 5/11)...
Chevy's Answer To Ford's Taurus
Chevy is delivering what it hopes will be its most powerful punch of the
decade.
Last month, Chevy began selling its Lumina midsized sedan, a vehicle aimed
straight for the heart of the huge United States market for four-door family
cars, where the Ford Motor Company has conquered ground so effectively since
1966 with the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable.
General Motors is not counting on technological wizardry or styling
breakthroughs to win over customers from Ford. Rather, it is putting its hopes
on an innovative marketing campaign that calls on Micky Mouse and the rest of
the Disney stable to help sell the car.
"We were afraid people might be offended by Mickey and Minnie asking them to
spend as much as $14,000 for a car," [a GM executive] said. "But our testing
showed that Mickey and Minnie brought tremendous believability to our product.
Disney characters are very powerful."
-= sales humor =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
A few months ago I decided to discontinue my life insurance policy. Granted, it
was pretty cheap (25 bucks a year), but I didn't have the money at the time and
I let the policy expire. Since then I have gotten a letter from them every
couple of weeks pleading me to reconsider my decision. In the last letter, I got
from them, they were starting to sound a little pathetic, and they wanted to
know what they had done wrong. The vice president himself wanted me to write and
tell him what the problem was. Well, I started to feel a little bad and I
decided to write them the following letter:
December 4, 1993
Raymond N. Arel
Vice President
National Benefit Life
Insurance Company
Dear Raymond,
Since I have decided to discontinue my life insurance policy, I have received
many letters urging me to reconsider. I feel I must write a letter to address
your concerns.
I assure you, I have been quite satisfied with the service I have experienced
with the National Benefit Life Insurance program. The reasonable cost and the
option to increase my benefits in the future was a very attractive incentive to
continue doing business with you.
However, recently I have signed a pact with the Unholy One, otherwise known
as Cthulhu (pronounced Kah-thu-lou). For the mere price of my soul, and eternal
damnation, I have been promised domination of the city of my choice after the
second coming of the Gods of Hellfire. The offer also included immortality and a
free membership card entitling me to 10% off any purchase at over 10,000 occult
stores nationwide.
As a result, I have changed my name from Adam S. Kajenski, to Yog Sothoth
Neblod Zin, and I have moved to the most evil city on Earth, Williston Vermont,
where I dwell in my castle of sin shedding the last vestiges of my human shell.
Now that I am immortal, I feel that life insurance would be a fruitless wast of
money.
Thank you for your concern,
Yog Sothoth Neblod Zin
-= sales humor =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
In "The Oregonian", a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for womens
bras and panties reads:
"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for
yourself."
-= sales humor =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------
From The Economist of July 8, page 49:
Mensa, the club for "highly intelligent people", advertised a competition in a
children's newspaper. Closing date, June 31st.
-= sales humor =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------
Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back. - sign on septic tank truck
-= sales humor =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------
Payment Plan
While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood
donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it
back, saying, "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."
-= sales humor =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
-= sales humor =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Saturday Night Live:
Happy Fun Ball
only $14.95
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should
not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover
head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and
kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all
liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to
Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being
dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
-= sales humor =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------
Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require instructions telling
them how to play with a Slinky (a children's toy consisting of a large flexible
spring)? Well, in case you were wondering, here are the instructions that come
with one:
To play with slinky in hands:
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and lower each hand in a
rhythmic motion.
To bounce slinky up and down:
Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now
in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down.
To walk slinky down incline or slope:
Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do. Slope surface so rise
equals about 1 foot for every 4 foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch
Slinky start down, end over end.
-= sales humor =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------
Seen on an ad for a new product on the market:
Mall Walkers, a $79 pair of sneakers "specially designed" JUST for walking in
shopping malls. (Need I say more?)
-= sales humor =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------
Sign outside a sporting goods store:
Now is the winter of our discount tents!
-= sales humor =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------
Truth in Advertising
Our Sears is undergoing a massive remodeling, which means everything in the
store is someplace else, like the men's socks with the luggage. However, they
didn't bother changing the ceiling signs. When they moved the women's lingerie,
the sign above the new spot was probably more accurate than they wanted:
Men's Sportswear
-= sales humor =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man who speaks only Spanish goes into a small clothing store, with the
intention of purchasing a pair of socks. He does not know where the socks are
located, however, and walks over to a sales clerk to ask for them.
Unfortunately, the clerk knows only English, so the conversation progresses
rather slowly.
Clerk: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Quiero comprar medias. (I want to buy socks)
Clerk: I'm sorry...I don't understand Spanish. Do you want pants? [points to
pants racks]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias.
Clerk: Do you want shirts? [Points at shirts.]
Customer: No, no. Quiero medias. (No, no. I want socks.) [Points at feet.]
Clerk: Ahh...you want socks, right? [Points at socks.]
Customer: Medias, si! Eso, si, que es! (Socks, yes! That's exactly it!)
[Pronounced S-O-C-K-S]
Clerk: Well, if you knew how to spell it, why didn't you say so, in the first
place?
-= sales humor =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------------
Consumer Reports magazine, in the October issue, has a report on "Mail-Order"
Companies (Sears, J.C. Penney, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, C.O.M.B., Land's End,
Swiss Colony, Carol Wright, Sharper Image, etc), companies that do a large
amount of retail sales "by mail." In the article, they remark: "When you look
at how the orders were placed, it's obvious that "mail order" is an archaic
term. Relatively few people order by mail (most order by phone, via toll-free
800 numbers), and few products are delivered by the U.S. Postal Service (90
percent of catalog orders are delivered by United Parcel Service)."
-= sales humor =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------------
An article in Forbes magazine reports:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on one tribesman who speaks in
native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears on the screen.
Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan
is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what he
said."
-= sales humor =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following advertisement has been on the bulletin board at a major defense
research institution recently:
Enemy Wanted
Mature, North American Superpower seeks hostile nation for arms racing, third
world conflicts, and general antagonism. Must be sufficiently menacing to
convince Congress to fund us. Nuclear capability preferred, near-nuclear
considered. Earth, anywhere. Send note and picture of tank battalions to
General C. Powell, The Pentagon, Washington, D.C., U.S.A.
Jordin (Peace through Superior Firepower) Kare
-= sales humor =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------------
The Salesman (a story)
And in those days, behold, there came through the gates of the city a
salesman from afar off, and it came to pass as the day went by, he sold plenty.
And in that city were they that were the order takers and they that spent
their days in adding to the alibi sheets. Mightily were they astonished. They
said one to the other, "How doth he getteth away with it?"
And it came to pass that many were gathered in the back office and a
soothsayer came among them. And he was one wise guy. And they spoke and
questioned him saying, "How is it that this stranger accomplisheth the
impossible?".
Whereupon the soothsayer made answer, "He of whom you speak is one hustler.
He ariseth very early in the morning and goeth forth full of pep. He
complaineth not, neither doth he know despair. He is arrayed in purple and fine
linen, while ye go forth with pants unpressed. While ye gather here and say one
to the other, 'Verily this is a terrible day to work', he is already abraod. And
when the eleventh hour cometh, he needeth no alibis. He knoweth his line and
they that would stave him off, they give him orders. Men say unto him 'nay' when
he cometh in, yet when he goeth forth he hath their name on the line that is
dotted.
"He taketh with him the two angels 'inspiration' and 'perspiration' and
worketh to beat hell. Verily I say unto you, go and do likewise."
-= sales humor =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------------
A telephone salesperson makes a call to an unknown prospect and a very small,
very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that
keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
-= sales humor =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------------
I saw the following ad in The Australian, Wednesday December 9. Looks like with
the advent of competition, Telecom Australia is branching out and offering other
services.
Call 008 052 052 and reduce your family and friends by 10%.
-= sales humor =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------------
Warrenville, Ill. - Robert Bulmash is the telemarketing industry's worst
nightmare. He and a small army of followers, fed up with the modern epidemic of
junk calls, are fighting back. Their motto is "Leave Us Alone or Pay the
Price!" Their strategy is mischievous, ruthless and surprisingly effective.
Bulmash instructs the 550 members of his group, Private Citizen Inc., to
answer junk calls cordially and tease out all the information they can about the
identity and location of the "junker." Then twice a year, he sends a notice to
more than 800 telemarketing companies, with a list of his members and a warning
on their behalf:
"I am unwilling to allow your free use of my time and telephone ... I will
accept junk calls for a $100 fee, due within 30 days of such use ... Your junk
call will constitute your agreement to the reasonableness of my fee."
Private Citizen members, who pay $20 a year for the service, say their junk
calls drop 75% or more. As for the "invoice," it has left Sears, Roebuck & Co.,
ChemLawn, and a handful of other telemarketers so bemused they've actually
coughed up the $100. Others, though not all, have had it dragged out of them in
court.
The leader of this rebellion is an intense 45-year-old paralegal with the
flair of an angry stand-up comic. His little war, run out of his home in his
spare time, has stirred up the giant telemarketing industry, where mention of
the name Bulmash draws shudders of disgust.
"Everyone in the industry knows Bob Bulmash," sighs Kenneth Griffin, an
American Telephone & Telegraph Co. official and past head of the American
Telemarketing Association. He worries that the Bulmash crusade will "regulate us
and put us out of business," and adds, "I'm sorry, but we're going to defend
ourselves." (In fact, AT&T right now is defending itself against a $100 claim
from Bulmash.)
At the other end of the telemarketing line, Bulmash is a hero. "Thanks for
taking on the greatest annoyance to man since the invention of the housefly!"
wrote a grateful Oregon woman who read about him in a local newspaper.
In a 1990 national survey of telemarketing targets, 70% said they consider
such calls an "invasion of privacy." Walker Research Inc. of Indianapolis
conducted the survey via, of all things, random calls to U.S. telephone numbers.
The survey also found that 44% of the targets considered their last
telemarketing call "pleasant," and 41% think telemarketing serves a "useful
purpose."
All these calls are coming from an exploding industry with an awesome arsenal
of new technology. American companies will spend an estimated $60 billion on
telemarketing this year, up from $1 billion in 1981, says the industry
association.
One especially popular purchase, all too familiar to households, is the
"adramp," short for automatic dialing recorded message player. It courses like a
virus through the phone system, blaring its come-on to one number after another
in sequence.
Another hot new weapon is the "predictive dialer," which speed-dials one
number after another, sending to live agents only the calls that answer. With
one of these, a telemarketing shop can double the number of prospects its agents
talk to in a day.
Lawmakers are starting to worry about this calling frenzy. A proposed federal
law would create a national list of people who don't want junk calls, and make
it illegal to telemarket them. States have also introduced some 300 bills this
year curbing unsolicited sales calls.
Bulmash's group, Private Citizen, is reachable at Box 233, Naperville, Ill.
60566.
-= sales humor =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------------
When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was sent up to Heaven where
St. Peter confronted him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed him that he
had a choice about where he could spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was
allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I'll see Heaven first," he said, and St. Peter led him through the gates on
a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people
there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the former
salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a
life of musical produce.
"Can I see Hell, now?" he asked. St. Peter pointed him to the elevator, and
he want down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal
followers. For the next half hour, the young man was led through a tour of what
appeared to be the hottest (no pun intended) night clubs he'd ever seen. People
were partying loudly, drinking heavily, and having a, if you'll pardon the
expression, Hell of a time.
When the tour ended, he was sent back up to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter
asked him if he had reached a final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to
admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity
down there."
St. Peter honored his request, and sent him down again. Upon his arrival,
however, he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, where
he was subjected to various tortures that ranged from fire and brimstone to
being forced to watch the movie "Ishtar" in Dolby Surround Sound. It wasn't
very long before he found himself a lesser devil that he could complain to.
"When I came down here for the tour," he complained, "I was shown a whole
bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"
The lesser devil replied, "Oh, that! You see, that wasn't _really_ Hell.
That was just the Sales Demo."
-= sales humor =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------------
The president of L'Eggs announced that L'Eggs is changing its advertising in
response to Thursday's brutal attack on figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, who had to
sit out Saturday Night's 1994 USA Figure Skating Championships due to the injury
she sustained. Said the president, "As L'Eggs is the primary sponsor of the US
Figure Skating Championships, we decided to replace the ads we'd planned with
alternates that didn't use our old advertising line. We want to avoid any
accusation of false advertising leveled against our PR campaign. After all,
Thursday's attack shows that, as it turns out, apparently you _can_ beat a great
pair of legs!"
-= sales humor =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Ads
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
-= sales humor =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------------
I knew it was going to be a bad day when, on opening the door to the travel
agency, I saw the same guy who used to work at a local car dealership. He
bounded from behind his desk and came to the door to shake my hand, a most
unusual behavior for a travel agent.
"Good morning! May I sell you a Hawaiian vacation?" he asked.
"No, thanks, I just need an airline ticket from Boston to Baltimore," I said.
"I need to go on Thursday."
"I have just the thing for you," he said. "First class, change only once in
Denver. Dynamite seats on these airplanes, yes sir!"
"No, I just need a coach ticket. And isn't there a direct flight from Boston
to Baltimore without stops?"
"I like a man who does his homework," he said. "You'd be amazed how many
people just come in and ask about all the flights they can find. Will you be
trading in another ticket?"
I was beginning to get irritated. "I don't have a ticket now. That's why
I'm here. What flights are there to Baltimore on Thursday morning?"
"If I could get you a departure time you liked, would you buy a ticket
_today_?" You could see that he was hungry. "Here's a flight at 10:30."
"No, I need to be there by ten. Is there something around 8:00?"
"You are a skillful bargainer," he countered. "I'll have to ask my manager."
He disappeared for a few minutes. "My manager says he can give you an 8:30
departure, no earlier. Of course, you'll want to buy flight insurance and our
special carry-on bag..."
I got up and headed for the door. Surely there's another travel agent
somewhere. Maybe Japan Air Lines flies to Baltimore. Or Lufthansa. As I left,
I could hear him calling, "You know, these flights to Baltimore are very
rare...Consumer Reports rated Baltimore very highly...We may not be able to get
any more of these tickets..."
-= sales humor =-= 38 =-------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a coupon for two products sold by the same manufacturer:
Contraceptive sponge or home pregnancy test: your choice
-= sales humor =-= 39 =-------------------------------------------------------
Fort Lauderdale, Florida: A woman who set up a 900 number, Dial-A-Friend, is
hanging it up after logging only one call in three months and that from a man
who wanted to know the operator's measurements.
"It makes you wonder. Is there a normal person out there to begin with?"
said Lorain Blum, who had expected people would be willing to pay $2.99-a-minute
for social service referrals and a friendly listener.
Blum spend $8,000 setting up the line and advertising on radio, cable
television and in singles' magazines. Dial-A-Friend's sole customer brought in
$23.92, she said.
-= sales humor =-= 40 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the always-entertaining "Selling It" column in Consumer Reports:
The Flesh Is Weak
A consumer concerned about weight might well have been drawn to a coupon
(printed in a magazine advertisement) good for a free two-liter bottle of Diet
Coke. A six-ounce serving of Diet Coke does save you calories (it has 71 fewer
than a serving of Coca-Cola Classic). But to qualify for the free diet soda,
you have to buy Fisher mixed nuts (170 calories per serving), Duncan Hines
cookies (110 calories per serving) and Pringles potato chips (170 calories per
serving.)
-= sales humor =-= 41 =-------------------------------------------------------
Problems with Jehovah's Witnesses, Encyclopedia Salesmen, or The Kid Next Door?
Simply invite them inside, slip out the back door ("Just to get some sugar from
the neighbors"), and go call the police to report burglars.
-= sales humor =-= 42 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the Feb 15 issue of NewsWeek magazine:
A Technical Knockout
Big Brother isn't watching, but Continental Cablevision is. During last
November's pay-per-view Holyfield-Bowe heavyweight (boxing) title bout, the
Springfield, Mass. cable TV operator aired a free T-shirt ad using a new
technology: the ad appeared only on sets using illegal signal decoders. More
than 140 saps phoned in for the shirts. Continental has sent them letters
offering to settle the matter for $2,000 and has already received several
checks. Since federal law allows fines of $10,000, says Continental VP Geoffrey
Little, "We consider the settlement fee generous." Anyone who disagrees, he
says, will find himself involved in another fight, in court.
-= sales humor =-= 43 =-------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:
In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an
electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along
to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac
death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature.
-= sales humor =-= 44 =-------------------------------------------------------
In May of 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower-court decision
dismissing Richard Overton's $10,000 1991 lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for
false advertising. Overton said he suffered physical and mental injury and
emotional distress because the implicit promises in the company advertisements,
especially of success with women, did not come true for him when he drank their
product, and that besides that, he sometimes got sick when he drank.
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