(:)Things I've Learned from My Children
THE BIG PIG
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Received from Poor Innocent Guy High Commander Cylar of Chico, California:
Things I've Learned from My Children
(Honest and No Kidding) -- an anonymous mother
* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20
foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not
leak -- it explodes.
* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches
deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
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THINGS I LEARNED THE HARD WAY
1. Most of the paintings in the Louvre in Paris are not scratch-and-Sniff.
2. Trust professionals to do body piercing. It just doesn't work as well with
a ball point pen.
3. Pure honey can enhance lovemaking and heighten one's erotic experience; but
use honey from a jar -- not from an active hive.
4. Tigers very rarely appreciate the practice of 'Fisting.'
5. French police (gendarmes for people who speak Scottish) have very little
sense of humor (refer to lesson #1).
6. The scalloped potatoes at a family steak house buffet table are usually
scorching hot. It's not a smart idea to 'cheat' the restaurant by stuffing
your pockets full of them. Choose instead the banana pudding with Nilla
Wafers.
7. When neighborhood kids play 'Kick-The-Can' using your head, it's probably
time to stop drinking.
8. A cucumber or mud mask is a way to open the pores on your face and strip
away dead skin. This will help your face feel look younger and will give you
more self-confidence. This doesn't work so well with a Krazy-Glue mask.
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"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera
and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"My Mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would
only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But
I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how
dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."
--Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my Mom. See, my father died when I was eight years
old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
--Drew Carey
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept
God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
(:)PIGS Site of the Day: Subway Series history
http://mrudolf.tripod.com/subway/
(:)PIGS Quote of the Day: "I want an Internet. Can I have one of
these?"–Spice Girl Mel B. (Scary Spice), looking at a computer monitor during
an America Online press conference
–from "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" by Ross & Kathryn Petras in Page A
Day Calendar, http://www.page-a-day.com/
(:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)
Dedicated to Poor Innocent Guys (victims of the wiles of women)
and the SLOTHS (Smart Ladies of the House)
who put up with them
theb...@my-deja.com
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