Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor 1/3
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Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor (Business As Unusual)
Archive-Name: business <plain text version>
business.html <HTML Web version>
Last-Modified: 95/02/07
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CONTENTS
LAWS AND ONE-LINERS
OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR
BUSINESS HUMOR
SALES HUMOR
STRESS HUMOR
================================================================================
== LAWS AND ONE-LINERS =========================================================
-= laws and one-liners =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws (and other nuggets of wisdom)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared
for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because
fools are so ingenious.
A 300 dollar picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first.
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to
lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new
sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bureaucracy is like a septic tank, all the really big shits float to the top.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first
time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to
walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look
forward to the trip.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass
and not fall off the face of the earth.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In
other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real
reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting
nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on
the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt
Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert,
in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's
Big Book of Business"
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional
assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional
to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
- Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went
up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price
went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the
floor.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep
psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself
no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who
are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John
A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall
enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve
hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone
thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication
with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Dare to be average.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority
deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they
look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get
a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has
been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Error is often more earnest than truth.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to
cut it.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck
throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your
head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the
Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more
than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect
more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
Excuses are like assholes; everybody has one!
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same
laboratory.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Extremes meet.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is bullshit.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to
overcome it.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their
soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others
that they are going on interviews.
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know
something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who
kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by
ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it
in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your
Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think...therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a
drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he
has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -
Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be
documented.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who
didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is
going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will
break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it!
If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at
fault.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong,
it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at
the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event
will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause
the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10
it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people
who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were,
you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file
it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone
else will do it for you.
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
yourself in the posterior.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a
prophet.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really
make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you
should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong,
and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when
telling the truth about others.
If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something
left out, rather than added.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the bastards grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and
then remains there.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always
chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not
having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the
floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor
class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove
all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging
the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works
hard too.
It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.
It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to
be failures.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another, it's one damn thing
over and over.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either
if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his
mouth shut when he's right.
It works better if you plug it in.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't
matter, calories do.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks
late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an
expert.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you DIDN'T!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days,
without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Murphy was an optimist.
My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature is a mother.
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
Never be first to do anything.
Never be last.
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against
it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad
example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
No man's credit is as good as his money.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.
No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No real problem has a solution.
No two identical parts are exactly alike.
Nobody notices the big errors.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
Nobody told me.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing can be done in one trip.
Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Office Of Precision Guesswork
Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
Old programmers never die, they just abend.
On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but
we will work on it.
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never
decrease.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work
of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
One of those days? I have one of those lives.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
One's life tends to be like a beaver's, one dam thing after another.
Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at the
other guys.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert
Boyle, 17th century chemist
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who
watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them
being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty
reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace
automation.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time
for dreaming.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier
if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who
must maintain it.
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five
days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come
out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called
them last night.
Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they
don't know any other language.
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.
Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.
Real programmers print only clean compiles.
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to
explain.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to
sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
SEISLINE prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we
will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that
are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do
without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe
the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40
years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis
Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)
Self starters...will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the
milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were
and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In
either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
Stay in with the outs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the
contingency plan.
Success is like a fart. Only your own smells good.
Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to
dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except
over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions
only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the
subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a
match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and
precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you
see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you
don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're
out of a job.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The
man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man
from touching the equipment.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
The final test is when it goes production ...
W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ...
W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t
W h e n i t g o e s p r
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10
percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is
that success equals skill.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor
Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the
bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the
highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame
it on.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for
senseless bickering.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you
have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing
nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no
good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes
forever.
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar
territory.
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We
instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who
developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless
toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of
the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the
way to bet.
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about
0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy
analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong
denomination.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how
difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can
keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases
dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas
Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it,
or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those
who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything
you know.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to
doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the
possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan
for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a
correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportioN.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day,
like those of a baseball player.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things go right so they can go wrnog.
Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
This "law" has been intentionally left blank.
This "law" was inadvertently left blank.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough
hunchbacks.
This space for rent.
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone
else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two
of them absent.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become
what they are capable of being.
Trust everybody...then cut the cards.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the
proposal.
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the testicles,
not even symbolically or perhaps especially not symbolically.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an
about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who
turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis
We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened
when we are the most confused.
We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to
do it over again.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We'll worry about that when we get there.
We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
We've always done it that way!
Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
What you resist, you become.
Whatever goes around, comes around.
Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work
perfectly.
When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time
you have, whichever is less.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble, delegate.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every
week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks
to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while
all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly.
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're
finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the
answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or
a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to
fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping.
This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay
Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of
cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on
common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better.
You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without
the almost certain risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't
counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first
obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large
systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the
safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch.
Intervening is a way of causing trouble. - Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On
Meddling" in the collection "The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New
York, 1979
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon
anyone who disagrees with you.
When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on
the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.
When you are up to your nose in #!&?, be sure to keep your mouth shut.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
- G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.
Without data, yours is just another opinion.
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of
incompetence.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it
green.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can fool some of the people and really piss them off.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of
the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the
time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the
machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never want the one you can afford.
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
You want it when?
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck
is two doors away.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------
Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the
reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson
Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince
the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is
curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than
correctness.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable
well-being.
Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least
accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any
dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the
least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it
does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs
transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working
around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -
it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is
good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is
good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat
more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice
versa.")
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides by governors.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. -
Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man
would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker
& Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as
government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer
would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies
than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work
is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and
Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most
useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an
analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent
working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee
breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to
determine what to do next.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2)
Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories
make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy
something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many
answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most
general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a
rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start
checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a
mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you
have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. Berkeley
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra
Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the
"what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what
if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
- Josh Billings
Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies
are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story
in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than
his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he
has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to
reason.
Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures
and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
- Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute
Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac.
In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the
Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"
Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in
trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder,
President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of
Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]
Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several
octaves higher than originally written.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.
Boyle's Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in
the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably
experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the
dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to
know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
(6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the
paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be
insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9)
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10)
If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The
lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the
highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will
recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The "think positive"
leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the
postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization
the number of boxes will never decrease. - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space
Flight Center, NASA
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem,
you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every
organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn
how to enjoy doing it poorly.
Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on
the public. Some are genuinely mad.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
recognition.
Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased
out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after
the decision is made.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are
added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality
of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their
money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some
of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve
as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government
project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't
possibly get any worse, they will.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but
most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is
nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same
atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the
less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all
your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will
happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with
someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask
for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information
available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more
than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your
theory.
Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time
spent in the office.
Bo Diddeley's Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring
another lawyer to watch him.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress
reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come
to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is
mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Dr. Caligari's Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done
several hours of work without performing a backup.
Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted
with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant
that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports
Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an
infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands
directly in front of your eyes.
Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make
us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
redefine it.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where
you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the
feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always
willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to
misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened
according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends
toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.
Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like
kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly
before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been
working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of
doubt, make it sound convincing.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against
the wind.
First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat
each other.
Flo Capp's Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not
doing something stupid.
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the
least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flucard's Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world
is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term,
your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every
instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that
instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will
not be disappointed.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts
to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is
based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall
over.
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's
mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on
the proof.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be
headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong
place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always
be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.
Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed
on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of
blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is
unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in
reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until
someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't
even quit the game.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase
until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
getting some useful work done.
Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can
fake that, you've got it made.
Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's
worth the effort.
Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done
is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone
is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is
neither EASY nor PLEASANT.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional
equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in
fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by
pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up
going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does NOT
say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a
chance in HELL of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would
immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you
make yourself easy to understand?
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich
salesman.
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not
worth doing well.
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the
purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty
expiration.
Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.
Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished
in the same time as 'n' tasks.
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
talking about.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
Gummidges's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
proportional to its desirability.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's
Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2)
Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3)
Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending,
and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always
too many days before Saturday.
Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more
incompatible with every passing moment.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the
amount of equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.
Harvard's Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it
damn well pleases.
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things
in life aren't things. 3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember. 4) Speak
softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow
never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative;
when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich:
make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No
rain, no rainbows.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hinds' Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is
obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a
program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will
expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional
to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for
programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers
cannot write in English.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will
find an easier way to do it.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special
case.
Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to...to... uh...
IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases
proportionally to project completion.
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the
Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese,
Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs
that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.
The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are
obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1:
No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging
intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
Robert E. Lee's Truce: Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from
poor judgement.
Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n'
trivial tasks.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
souls are a glut.
May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.
Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat,
plausible, and wrong.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task
takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other
ninety percent.
Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the
next freeway exit.
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of
groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3)
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns
the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its
completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The
number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount
of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee
on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law
- If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public
or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created
by human failure.
Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level
of his incompetence.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
Pudder's law is not true.)
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not
understand.
Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it
later.
Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
attempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that
you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will
first strike your toes.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have
to do it.
Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program
is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars
from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something
absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps
you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year
threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed
by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of
the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1
unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least
available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once
you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally
understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives
with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that
gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug"
taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a
program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's
"computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications,
dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in
exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre
times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to
the amount of work already completed.
Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut
equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with
expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are
required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational
Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow
Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy,
in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup
first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn
blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz
oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if
it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully
assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
life-or-death situation, the power fails.
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.
Zall's Laws: First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing
you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side
of the bathroom door you're on.
Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------
Augustne's Laws
Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he
succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.
Law Number I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
Law Number II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
Law Number III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
Law Number IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
Law Number V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output.
Law Number VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.
Law Number VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased
business base.
Law Number VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.
Law Number IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound...Q.E.D.
Law Number X: Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people
fights; lawyers do.
Law Number XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times
as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would
fly off.
Law Number XII: It costs a lot to build bad products.
Law Number XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United
States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.
Law Number XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There
will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every
airplane's weight.
Law Number XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
cost and two-thirds of the problems.
Law Number XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy
3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to
the Marines for the extra day.
Law Number XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs
nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.
Law Number XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not
uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
Law Number XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
Law Number XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests, minus 4-percent tax.
Law Number XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
Law Number XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
stock, not selling advice.
Law Number XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.
Law Number XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action
known to man.
Law Number XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
athlete or a new canvas to an artist.
Law Number XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on
each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
Law Number XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of
rank.
Law Number XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
Law Number XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only
about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a
decade.
Law Number XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
Law Number XXXI: The optimum committee has no members.
Law Number XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.
Law Number XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
Law Number XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly.
Law Number XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
the data authenticity.
Law Number XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the
bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
Law Number XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than
you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so
much.
Law Number XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten.
Law Number XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of
the end of the year, in either direction.
Law Number XL: Most projects start out slowly, and then sort of taper off.
Law Number XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets.
Law Number XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
testing.
Law Number XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least.
Law Number XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
Law Number XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.
Law Number XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned.
Law Number XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The
other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
Law Number XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been
doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until
finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
Law Number XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
Law Number L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's, but four times as long as the
official's who created it.
Law Number LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
more government workers than there are workers.
Law Number LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------
Paul Dickson's "The Official Rules", with sequel "The Official Explanations". I
quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key
to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.
9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------
First Law of Advice: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law of Communication: The purpose of the communication is to advance the
communicator.
Second Law of Communication: The information conveyed is less important than the
impression.
First Law of Innovation Management: Change is the status quo.
Second Law of Innovation Management: Management by objectives is no better than
the objectives.
Third Law of Innovation Management: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an
innovative mob or being chased by it.
Second Law of Decision Making: Any decision is better than no decision.
Third Law of Decision Making: A decision is judged by the conviction with which
it is uttered.
Third Law of Survival: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising
employees first.
Fifth Law of Decision Making: Decisions are justified by the benefits to the
organization, but they are made by considering the benefits to the
decision-makers.
Parallels to Murphy's Law: Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a
computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their
lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they
don't need to impress people they dislike. - Emile Henry Gauvreay
-= laws and one-liners =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------
BOHICA = Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
BOGSAT = Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around Talking = meeting.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much, with so
little, for so long, that we are now doing the impossible, for the ungrateful,
with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unavailable, are doing the impossible, for the
ungrateful. In fact, we have done so much with so little, for so long, that we
are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------
Theories Of Management
Mushroom Theory - Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.
Rain Makers - Reward Rain Makers, not Ark Builders.
Ark Builders - Reward Ark Builders, not Rain Makers.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------
Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost
his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest
unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. - Westheimer's rule (from
"The Art of Computer Systems Performance Analysis" by R. Jain)
-= laws and one-liners =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------
To err is human; to debug, divine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - L. Peter Deutsch
-= laws and one-liners =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------
Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when
nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is
working and no one knows why.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------
Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------
When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning
the salary I'm starving on now. - from "Humorous Quotes from the Business
World" Successories, Inc.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------
The Information Facts Of Life:
1. Most of the information in organizations, and most of the information people
really care about, isn't on computers. - Thomas H. Davenport, in Saving IT's
Soul: Human-Centered Information Management; The Harvard Business Review:
March-April 1994 pp.119-131
-= laws and one-liners =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------
Gaius Petronious Arbiter
First century: We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning
to form into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that
we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful method
it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion,
inefficiency, and demoralization. - Satyricon
-= laws and one-liners =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow
changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice
began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was
the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the
little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing
the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he
found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. - George Lois.
================================================================================
== OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR =======================================================
-= office and work humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
What To Do In Awkward Situations
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to
the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
your nose on your sock.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. Your
boss says that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions
that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
You are having lunch with a prospective employer and are real close to a job
offer. You are also sitting in a restaurant with the Personnel Manager. This
blonde comes walking in and you just can't stop looking. She is a beautiful
thing and your tongue sloops out and you start drooling onto your Italian silk
tie. You divert the Personnel managers' attention to the blonde and tell him
all the devious things you would do to her if you could get her alone. She
walks straight your way and introduces herself as the Personnel manager's
daughter. You...
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you have forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your proposal
your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee.
You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to
various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to
shatter and a secretary to pass out. You should:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-= office and work humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk a
sign of?
1) A clean desk is the sign of a frightened mind!
2) A clean desk is the sign of a manager at work?
3) Being terminated.
4) It usually means my mother is visiting again!
5) Having too much work to do in too little time!
6) I suppose it's a sign of someone who's following security regulations.
(I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
7) Actually, it a sign of visiting VIPs.
-= office and work humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 1993
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these
policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will
be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips.
Lodging
-------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives
should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of
good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and
"Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of,
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their
destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially
valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed
one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company
business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed
at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly
preparation.
Entertainment
-------------
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are
required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the
tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer
that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for
him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet
cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in
the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
-------------
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common
effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already
suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which
could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will
be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for
helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic
roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time
permits.
-= office and work humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Eastern Airlines once introduced a special half-price fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials,
the Public Relations department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen
who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters came pouring in asking, "What trip?"
-= office and work humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L. A. Times:
Los Angeles Times - Intra-Office Correspondence
To members of the Times staff:
Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain economy
measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the duration of the
difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct the imbalance more
quickly.
Starting immediately:
The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on
pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel and
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for
propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In
case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of
assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been
discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches
and sidewalks.
All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when
old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department
secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally
or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are
encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program, will be instituted.
Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the
course of their other duties, i.e. reporters traveling around southern
California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is
preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and
order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be
distributed by your supervisor.
To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these
to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas
on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with
free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-= office and work humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
(each letter appears cut out of a magazine and pasted on the paper)
we have your
satellite if you
want it back
send 20 billion
in martian
money. No funny
business or
you will never
see it again
-= office and work humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by
saying, 'I resign.'"
-= office and work humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
Six Phases of Project Management
1 Exaltation
2 Disenchantment
3 Confusion
4 Search for the Guilty
5 Punishment of the Innocent
6 Distinction for the Uninvolved
-= office and work humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Immutable Laws Of Project Management
Law 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the
same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do.
It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.
Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if
estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will
not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.
Law 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid
embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.
Law 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course
increases geometrically with time.
Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, it's too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.
Law 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen
differently by everyone else.
Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could
possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone's
approval, someone will not like it.
Law 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not
measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.
Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are
real.
Law 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time certainly
does not have enough to do now.
Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn't
either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given
by the full-time boss will not suffer.
Law 7: The greater the project's technical complexity, the less you need a
technician to manage it.
Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the
technicians.
Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.
Law 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to
complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as
long.
Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.
Law 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.
Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
Law 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
manifests their lack of progress.
Law 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then
they remain 90 percent complete forever.
Law 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change
will exceed the rate of progress.
Law 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will
be developed. Neither system will work very well.
Law 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post-
audit check.
Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the project
team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within
budget.
Law 15: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system
inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
Law 16: No law is immutable.
-= office and work humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
My Job
It's not my place to run the train
The whistle I cannot blow
It's not my place to say how far
The train is allowed to go
It's not my place to shoot off steam
Nor even clang the bell
But let the damn thing
Jump the track
And see who catches hell!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Order - The Swing (this is better as a drawing!)
1 As the work order describes it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 3 ropes, one rope in the middle of the
board seat.
2 As the Engineering Department designed it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 2 ropes but with 3 seats
3 As the planning group planned it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to tree trunk, seat on the ground
4 As the shop fabricated it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
seat resting against the tree trunk
5 As maintenance installed it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
section of the tree trunk removed to allow swing to hang, entire tree top
supported by makeshift poles under the limbs
6 What the customer really wanted:
A tire swing, 1 rope and an old tire.
-= office and work humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Complaints
You are expensive!
You don't deliver!
You are a pain in the ass to work with!
-= office and work humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
-= office and work humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those
glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
-= office and work humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary Of Employment Want Ads Terminology
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
-= office and work humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
And how about the pill counter who married the bean counter and they produced a
CPA son who could work only one hour before or two to three hours after meals.
-= office and work humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
Management Aptitude
Yesterday my brother Jim was taking a test required for a management job with a
local trucking company. Part of the test involved a verbal section given by
the company employment director (or whatever).
Question:
"You are driving a forklift and 2 men get in your way, what do you do?"
My brother's answer:
"Go for the one with the most seniority!"
-= office and work humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
The 10 If's You Need To Know To Get Along At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) if it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien...
Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for:
1. Odd or mismatched clothes.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
3. Bizarre sense of humor.
4. Takes frequent sick days.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.
6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails.
7. Constant questioning about customs.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle.
9. Frequently talks to himself.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech
hardware.
-= office and work humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Are You About To Employ A Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department.
It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this
test, you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Liberal
Arts major, a Vulcan/Math major, or a Robot.
Administer the following test to students prior to interviewing them in person:
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want ___
1) Shakespeare
2) Math books
3) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a ___
1) Writer
2) Professor
3) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to ___
1) The beach
2) The library
3) goto 999
4. My favorite hobby is ___
1) Poetry
2) Open math problems
3) Memorizing
5. I have taken ___ English classes.
1) Many
2) Enough to communicate
3) fori=1to++x10goto999
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
1) In my head
2) Ask a Vulcan
3) Brute force with a Cray T3D supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
1) Latin
2) Complex Analysis
3) How to operate my HP-28C
8. In between classes, I like to ___
1) Talk with my friends
2) Study proofs
3) Add numbers on my calculator
9. When I have a report due, I type it on ___
1) My manual typewriter
2) The school's word processor
3) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the university, I have gained many ___
1) Friends
2) Books
3) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is ___
1) As a door stop
2) For graphing functions
3) As friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get ___
1) A hamburger
2) A twinkie
3) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
1) A noun
2) A noun and a verb
3) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
1) Total happiness
2) Total knowledge
3) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
1) Popular music
2) Classical music
3) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
1) Monopoly
2) Chess
3) Data entry races
17. My favorite movie show is ___
1) Ruthless People
2) Star Trek II
3) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would ___
1) Write it on my arm
2) Derive it during test
3) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have ___
1) Beauty
2) Intelligence
3) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is ___
1) Death
2) Emotions
3) Water
Results: Add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot
-= office and work humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If
you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
-= office and work humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible."
-= office and work humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
This isn't quite as good, but I know it's true, because I did it:
On one of my first job application forms, in the blank next to "Salary
required", I wrote "yes". (I got the job.)
-= office and work humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
Oral Examination Procedure
The purposes of an oral examination are few and simple. In these brief notes
the purposes are set forth and practical rules for conducting an oral
examination are given. Careful attention to the elementary rules is necessary
in order to assure a truly successful examination. From the standpoint of each
individual examiner, the basic purposes of the oral examination are: to make
that examiner appear smarter and trickier than either the examinee or other
examiners, thereby preserving his self esteem; and to crush the examinee,
thereby avoiding the messy and time-wasting problem of post-examination
judgement and decision.
Both of these aims can be realized through diligent application of the following
timetested rules:
1. Before beginning the examination, make it clear to the examinee that his
whole professional career may turn on his performance. Stress the importance
and formality of the occasion. Put him in his proper place at the outset.
2. Throw out your hardest question first. (This is very important. If your
first question is sufficiently difficult or involved, he will be too rattled
to answer subsequent questions, no matter how simple they may be.)
3. Be reserved and stern in addressing the examinee. For contrast, be very
jolly with the other examiners. A very efficient device is to make humorous
comments to the other examiners about the examinees performance; comments
which tend to exclude him and set him apart (as though he were not present
in the room).
4. Make him do it your way, especially if your way is esoteric. Constrain him.
Impose many limitations and qualifications in each question. The idea is to
complicate an otherwise simple problem.
5. Force him into a trivial error and then let him puzzle over it for as long
as possible. Just after he sees his mistake but just before he has a chance
to explain it, correct him yourself, disdainfully. This takes real
perception and timing, which can only be acquired with some practice.
6. When he finds himself deep in a hole, never lead him out. Instead, sigh,
and shift to a new subject.
7. Ask him snide questions, such as, "Didn't you learn that in Freshman
Calculus?"
8. Do not permit him to ask you clarifying questions. Never repeat or clarify
your own statement of the problem. Tell him not to think out loud, what you
want is the answer.
9. Every few minutes, ask him if he is nervous.
10. Station yourself and the other examiners so that the examinee cannot really
face all of you at once. This enables you to bracket him with a sort of
binaural crossfire. Wait until he turns away from you toward someone else,
and then ask him a short direct question. With proper coordination among
the examiners it is possible under favorable conditions to spin the examinee
through several complete revolutions. This has the same effect as item 2
above.
11. Wear dark glasses. Inscrutability is unnerving.
12. Terminate the examination by telling the examinee, "Don't call us, we will
call you."
-= office and work humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on redeployment
back in 1991 down in El Segundo. Some things seem to stay funny forever.
List Of Quotes To Practice Before Interviewing For A New Job
1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10.
2. Of course I always dress like this!
3. Printers!? Yeah, I saw one once.
4. Money is of no issue.
5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for.
6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org.
7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb?
8. I make really good coffee!
9. I definitely prefer the openness of a cubicle.
10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria!
11. I usually get in around 7:30 A.M.
12. I never take a lunch!
13. I always work on weekends.
14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends!
-= office and work humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
Unusual Comments And Actions Made Before By Candidates During An Interview
"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
"At times, I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"I am fascinated by fire."
"I feel uneasy indoors."
"I get excited very easily."
"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
"I like tall women."
"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
"I never get hungry."
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
"My legs are really hairy."
"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
"People are always watching me."
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
"Why am I here?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.
Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later
wearing a headpiece.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fies in the interviewer's office.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept
in a closet in Mexico.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer
and the music at the same time.
Job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
-= office and work humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have
worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.
-= office and work humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
Things Not To Say At An Interview
When you are asked, "Do you have any questions?", do not ask:
Do you have a lot of single nubile women/men working here?
Do you have full Internet access?
What are my chances at getting a sunny corner office?
What do you expect to gain by employing me?
What will be the color of my company car?
When can I start?
-= office and work humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
10 Things To Do If You're Not Motivated To Work
1) Dump the paper clips out of their box and make sure there are 200 of them.
2) Rearrange the icons on your Viewpoint desktop.
3) Re-read one of your old Trip Reports.
4) Backup the Development System files on tape.
5) Go to the lab and eat some jellybeans.
6) Try to figure out why you're not getting any messages from anyone in .WBST or
.ROCHX2, but you know they're sending messages because you're seeing replies
to those messages.
7) Rearrange the file folders in your desk.
8) Shoot the breeze with your boss.
9) Make up Part III of Special K's West Coast Trip Report.
10) Figure out how to submit this list to David Letterman.
-= office and work humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
New Element: Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less
than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the
newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed
to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels
of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element,
TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved
compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive
amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining
unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the
number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists
are looking into them.
-= office and work humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: XYZ company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone
gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
-= office and work humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
A recent report by the American Medical Association pointed out that proper
weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. People
who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem in losing
weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that calories can be burned
off by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous exercises that are common for
office workers:
Calories
Office Activity Burned
---------------------------------------------- --------
Adding fuel to the fire 85
Balancing the books 335
Beating around the bush 75
Beating your head against a wall 450
Beating your own drum 100
Bending over backwards 75
Bending the rules 375
Chewing nails 85
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Climbing the walls 250
Dodging responsibility 80
Dragging your heels 100
Eating crow 190
Fishing for compliments 35
Flying off the handle 225
Going around in circles 320
Grasping at straws 75
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Jogging your memory 125
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Jumping to conclusions 100
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Passing the buck 25
Patting yourself on the back 25
Pouring salt on a wound 30
Pulling out the stops 100
Pulling strings 180
Pushing your luck 360
Racing against time 300
Running down the boss 130
Spinning your wheels 145
Sticking your neck out 980
Stretching the truth 450
Swallowing your pride 150
Throwing your weight around (depends on weight) 50-300
Tooting your own horn 50
Turning the other cheek 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Wrapping it up at day's end 12
-= office and work humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
I'll share with you my own secret method for moving up the corporate ladder.
It's called the Hindlick Maneuver.
-= office and work humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
"How many are there working at your office?"
"About one third."
"For how long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
-= office and work humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
How many bosses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and the world revolves around him.
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