Internet Oracularities Digest #1456
oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:20:55 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1456
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
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Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1456
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1451 33 votes 1d8b0 28698 069c6 29e71 045f9 0ae72 1468e 15c96 2578b 7a565
1451 3.3 mean 2.9 3.4 3.5 2.9 3.9 3.0 3.9 3.4 3.6 2.8
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:20:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-01
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How can you tell if a girl or a guy likes you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Guy who likes you: Beard or stubble, deep voice, adam's apple, male
} genitalia.
}
} Girl who likes you: Little or no trace of beard, high voice, female
} genitalia.
}
} Look, if you're having trouble discerning which is which, you have more
} troubles than you need.
}
} The Oracle owes you a security blanket.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:20:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-02
Selected-By: twc...@mindspring.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Remember me? I'm the owl salesman. This time I'm not going to try to
> sell you an owl. (Even though I'm pretty sure you need one.)
>
> Instead I have a question. My owls can turn their heads halfway around
> and face backwards without moving their feet, owing to the extra number
> of bones in their necks.
>
> My mom used to be able to do that when I was a kid, or else she had
> eyes in the back of her head (owls don't--I've looked). She knew what I
> was doing all the time. "Whatever you're doing, STOP IT!"
>
> Was my mom part owl? Is that where I got my interest in owls? If so,
> I'd be part owl, too. Why can't I turn my neck around like that?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My dear supplicant, you appear to have things a bit backwards.
} Mothers did not evolve -from- owls, they evolved -because- of owls.
}
} You see, owls survive on a diet of small creatures, and mothers survive
} solely off of their desire to nurture small creatures [citation
} needed]. As a result, it was necessary for the mothers to develop
} better ways of watching the small creatures than the owls; hence the
} eyes in the back of their heads.
}
} The nagging is an unfortunate side-effect due to a change in brain
} construction, which was necessary to accommodate the new pair of eyes.
}
} You owe the Oracle an owl pellet full of w**dc**ck bones.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:20:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-03
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhem...@blueyonder.co.uk>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> You refuse my generous proposal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, last time I wished to live forever and now more
} and more I find myself thinking I should have asked
} for a kitten instead.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:20:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-04
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What are the chances that..
>
> China will one day run out of room?
>
> A new dinosaur will be discovered this year?
>
> While doing rehabilitative catch, a pitcher will become incensed by
> the boos of the crowd and go on a clock-related rampage that will
> destroy the world?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Interestingly, the three phenomena you mention are all closely related.
}
} On April 13, 2063 in an exhibition game against the Toronto Blue Jays,
} Cleveland Native Americans pitcher Leroy Paige IV became enraged and
} vowed to kill everyone at the stadium who jeered him. He realized he
} would be unable to follow through on this threat without resorting to
} time travel, so he went out and purchased a cheap used Toyota Chronohop
} (2058 model). Unfortunately for Paige, the reason he picked the unit up
} for such a low price was the clock circuits in the Chronohop were
} malfunctioning. He returned to the day of the game repeatedly,
} identifying each booing fan and then going back to each person's
} conception and murdering their parents, but each jump made the clock
} chip overheat a bit more, sending him further back in time. But by now
} (then?) he was in such a frenzied rage of killing he didn't care,
} cracking the skull of any living thing that came within reach of his
} nanoparticle-alloy bat.
}
} It was in this genocidical fury that he inadvertently saved the life of
} a previously extinct species of dinosaur, one which was so big it
} dwarfed the Tyrannosaur by an order of magnitude. A female deposited
} her surprisingly tiny hatchlings in the trunk of the Chronohop while he
} was chasing her, and those hatchlings survived the trip.
}
} His rage somewhat abated, Paige attempted to return to his home time
} and stop himself from wreaking all this havoc on history, but he
} crashed into a giant redwood in a grove that stood (will stand?) where
} the stadium formerly existed, and was killed instantly.
}
} The Gargantusaur hatchlings survived, and a visiting Chinese biologist
} found them and took them home for study at Beijing University. They
} grew at a phenomenal rate and escaped, out of control, in just a few
} weeks. They also reproduced extremly quickly, and with no natural
} predators, the offspring thrived. Soon enormous herds of the 'saurs
} roamed China, forcing the human population (and every other species
} with a lick of sense) to flee. Within two years the country, as well
} as the rest of Asia, was overrun by the creatures and there was not
} enough room for the human population at all.
}
} As I write this, from my vantage point outside the time-space
} continuum, I see that the dinosaurs have destroyed or consumed all
} other living organisms and are eating one another at a rapid pace. One
} group dug so deeply into the earth they opened a fissure that released
} unprecedented jets of geothermal pressure through their caves into the
} atmosphere in a blast powerful enough to nudge the Earth out of its
} orbit into a rapid plunge toward the sun.
}
} Your only hope is to prevent time travel from ever being discovered.
} If you ever run across a nanophysicist student named Herbert Cheng,
} don't wait for him to publish anything - kill him immediately.
}
} So to answer your question, the chances of those events occurring are
} either 100% or nil depending on whether you believe time is immutable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grandfather paradox.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise and malevolent. Please bestow you endless wisdom
> upon me and answer my humble query:
>
> I am stuck for a week on sentry duty in the middle of nowhere with no
> company except my laptop and a slow internet connection (and a lot of
> angry Arabs that want to kill me). How should I entertain myself
> through that endless boredom?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Step 1: ditch the laptop. You've got power for two or three hours,
} tops. It's not going to last the week.
}
} Step 2: dress appropriately. You may think your camos help you blend
} in, but they really make you look like a target. Besides, sand gets
} *everywhere*. Yes, everywhere. Even in wheres that you don't think
} 'every' covers. Dress to avoid getting hot and to avoid getting sand
} in you-know-where.
}
} Step 3: look for water. You can survive a week without food but,
} without water, you're going to be toast. Desert toast. Which is
} one S short of... wait, was that water over there? Oops, just a
} mirage. Keep looking.
}
} Step 4: don't go insane. The best way to preserve sanity... dammit,
} that's got to be water over there. OK, step 4 really is head over
} to the water as fast as you can.
}
} Step 5: I coulda sworn that was water. Anyway, one thing to do to
} occupy your time is to start counting the grains of sand. They say
} it's less than a googol, so it must be do-able. Start now, because
} they aren't getting any fewer.
}
} Step 6: die of thirst. And insanity. But mostly of thirst.
}
} Step 7: reincarnate as an Oracle.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-06
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, Great Oracle.
> I can't find the Wizard. Maybe you could give a heart?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle bids three no-trump, raises ten, draws three, spayed his
} cat, sealed his clubs, and is playing with a no-nines double pinochle
} deck. You expect me to find a heart in all that mess?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is it true that the Lamanites had sore knees from all the Nephites?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your religion is warped. You were thinking of the Book of Laminations,
} in which the Hebrews were commanded to go forth and sell plywood.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-08
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If the birdcage isn't in the toaster, how many roads must we wait
> before we can go swimming again?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} swimming may be done when the caged bird manages to escape and takes
} the toaster with him, in case he encounters any striped-warblers on the
} outside.
}
} It also is not how many roads you must pause for, but the condition of
} the road in question. This road will be identified by it's
} "Adopt-A-Road" sign. This one will be maintained by MADD (mothers
} against drunk driving) and have signage designed to cause drunks to
} lose control of their cars and crash.
}
} The most effective sign so far is one which orders motorists to raise
} air pressure on the driver's side tires to 120psi while adjusting
} passenger side tires to 15psi. This sign is positioned shortly before
} the beginning of the "windy snake" highway, noted for it's narrow
} lanes, sharp turns and 1000 foot drop-off.
}
} the oracle request you take note of his deep compassion for all living
} things.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-09
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh the most wonder-some and fearless Oracle. I come to you as you are
> my one and only deity. This should come as no shock to you but it's
> time for me to know one thing.
>
> What is the difference between a role-playing strategy game and
> role-playing in a historical sense? I desire to jump into a new
> character in order to shake some of life's daemons.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Easy. Have your current character take up role playing.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 09 07:21:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1456-10
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> There's three of us here. We share one brain. Each of us gets one half.
>
> I'm Number 1, the thinker. I use the top half of the brain and think
> wise thoughts, more or less.
>
> I'm Number 2, the feeler. I use the bottom half of the brain and
> don't think much, but I know what I like, more or less.
>
> I'm number 3. Duhhh.
>
> Number 1 again. I'm going to let you in on a secret. When Rush
> Limburger says, "With half my brain tied behind my back, just to make
> it fair," he's borrowing Number 3's half.
>
> Number 2 again. I wasn't paying attention, but that's the big cheese
> that smells funny, right?
>
> Number 3 Again. What's dat smell? Duhhhhh?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'm not big on criticizing lifestyle choices, but you know how hard
} that is on the corpus callosum, right? And splitting off your
} brainstem from higher-order function is just asking for trouble,
} despite its leaving intact your ability to make olfactory plays on
} names.
}
} That smell is from under your medial suture, where you have a pocket
} of infection. The good news is that it's just regular staph, not
} MRSA. The bad news is it'll go systemic soon, and with the stress
} you've already put on your collective system, that'll be it for you
} unless you get some real medical care pronto. No more of this DIY
} stuff, you hear me?
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand.
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1456
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