Internet Oracularities Digest #1453
oracle-...@cs.indiana.edu
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:31 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1453
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1453
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1448 31 votes 3a882 16c75 26h51 22bb5 65875 26968 5b951 46c72 13b97 58684
1448 3.1 mean 2.9 3.3 2.9 3.5 3.0 3.4 2.5 2.9 3.6 2.9
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise and benevolent oracle, with wisdom that can be compared with
> mine only in the sense a supernova can be compared with a smoldering
> candle wick, please help me in the following matter:
>
> "Stimulating" is frequently associated with sexual self-satisfaction.
> So does that mean that the stimulus package is congress and the
> president screwing the economy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Subliminal sexually suggestive names are nothing new
} in politics. Ponder these program titles from recent
} US history:
}
} JFK's racy "Nude Frontier"
} Reagan's kinky "Trickle Down"
} FDR's upfront "New D***"
} LBJ's bragging "Great Sexuality"
} Ford's S&M "Whip Inflation Now! and Again! And Again!"
} and Hoover's ahead of his time hippie anticipating
} "A Chick and Everyone gets Pot"
}
} Ironically Dick Nixon never got the hang of this
} and his bland "Lawn Order" program only appealed
} to people that wanted the neighbor's kids to
} get off their front yard.
}
} You owe the Oracle some change he can buy a soda with.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-02
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh fantastic one, wise in the ways of new and improved marketing,
>
> Just what is so great about sliced bread?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Keeps the number of knives needed in a household
} down. This helps domestic tranquility like nobody's
} business.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent fork.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-03
Selected-By: MARK LAWRENCE <lawre...@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I challenge you to a game of Russain Roulette with my 6-shooter!
>
> *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK**CLICK*
>
> Your turn.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} We are indeed fortunate, you and I, for the rules for Russain Roulette
} differ from those for Russian Roulette. It's more like Calvinball,
} in which the rules change at Calvin's whim. What a difference a tiny
} transposition of two letters can make!
}
} In Russain Roulette the instigator of the game gets extra turns until
} he scores a point. So it's still your turn.
}
} And in case you get any sneaky ideas, just remember my ZOT's faster
} than your bullets.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-04
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> WHERE CAN I FIND A FREE PEOPLE LOCATOR FOR FREE NO CREDIT CARD
> REQUIRED
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's nearer than you think. Just follow these simple instructions and
} you'll be all set. (The Oracle is not liable for any injury, yadda
} yadda.)
}
} 1. Hold your hands flat and place them in front of you, palms
} together, with your fingertips pointing upward.
}
} 2. Move your arms upward until the opening between your thumbs is
} level with your nose.
}
} 3. Without moving them up or down, open your hands like a book, with
} the palm facing you.
}
} 4. Fold your fingers over so that you can sight down them.
}
} 5. While keeping your little fingers pressed together and without
} moving your hands up or down, swiftly bend your elbows as far as you
} can.
}
} If you have correctly completed this procedure, you can readily
} identify your free people locators. They're the places that hurt.
} You will be able to use them in a couple of minutes, assuming you
} haven't damaged them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a foolproof procedure for finding one's posterior
} using both hands and a roadmap.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> My master keeps embarrassing my by inviting people over and
> ringing a bell, thus causing me to drool all over myself
> while he and his guests point and laugh at me.
> Is there any way I can discourage this annoying behaviror?
>
> Sincerely,
> Fido "Snookums" Pavlov
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Drool on your master. And if he rings the bell again (as it semms he
} did) then drool again. He wants you to drool, so do it!
}
} You owe the Oracle's dog an education.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> The ad for the position said SOFTWEAR DEVELOPOOPER. So I called and
> asked if they really meant software developer. The phonedroid said,
> "No, it says developooper, that's what it is." I asked him what the
> difference was between developers and developoopers, and he said, "It's
> uh, well I think it's... No, I don't know. But there must be a
> difference or they wouldn't have used the word."
>
> I'm scared even to apply for this one. Should I?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course you should. Life is to be experienced, not avoided! Just
} don't be surprised if your code is crap.
}
} You owe the Oracle more paper
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mellifluous Oracle whose praise could not be fully sung even by all
> the songbirds in the world,
>
> I have somehow, by an act of questionable legality, come to possess a
> pair of rather large, brown bird wings, detached from their proper
> bird and dried so they don't smell bad. They're no use for flying
> with, and I can't sell them without explaining how I got them. They're
> too nice to just throw away, and if I just leave them in my garage
> where they are now they'll just continue to take up space. What should
> I do with them?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} the origins of the kiwi explained at last
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much you know about me, especially
> about my dreams. Like you know that I dreamed about eating
> peanut-butter soup, and you could probably tell me what that means.
> Please don't. Along with the usual carrots and parsnips there were RCA
> and BNC connectors, and (get this!) seven eight-inch floppy disks.
> Haven't seen those since Bill Gates was poor.
>
> Anyway what I need is an interpretation of last night's dream, the one
> (you know it) where the race-car drivers were lined up and were about
> to dance the Can-Can dance, when instead former President Bush (I
> forget which one) handed me one of those disks from the previous dream,
> and vanished in a puff of greasy orange smoke. Also, what should I do
> with the disk? Even if I did have an old drive to read it, I'd be
> afraid of the orange grease.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You needn't worry about the disk. It will be neutralized (with great
} effort and hardship, a dash of heroism, and running subtext on the
} topic of addiction) by a couple of kids from rural Missouri, who will
} carry it across Hong Kong to the Cray of Doom for secure reformatting
} in tonight's dream. Just don't do anything foolish with it before
} that happens.
}
} As for the dancing drivers etc., I could tell you, but you could
} figure it out yourself too. Do that. The BNCs, though, are just
} weird. I recommend either counseling or a ham sandwich.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1950's-futuristic reimagining of Macbeth, with
} random surreal touches. That dream from last month will do nicely as
} a starting point.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-09
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> So how long have you been playing?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Since I invented the game.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 09 10:44:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1453-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <d...@lonewolf.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> It wasn't what my mom asked for. My mind must be senile even though I'm
> just 19. She wanted canned tuna. How did I manage to buy 15 cans of
> Tuna brand Canned Bumblebees?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You just have to learn to stay in your own reality when shopping. If
} you ever go back into that one, though, a couple of pointers:
}
} - Don't try to buy tuna there. They're endangered and illegal.
} - Stay away from the canned bumblebees. As you may have noticed,
} they're barely edible. Insist on fresh ones - but not, for safety
} reasons, alive-alive-o.
} - If you have time, check out the TV ad. Swarms of cheery bees,
} followed by throngs of happy people enjoying a stir-fry, all set to
} 'The Flight of the Tunafish' played by a tuba-and-hookah quartet.
} Priceless, at least the first time you see it.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those cans. Don't ask what for.
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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1453
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