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Internet Oracularities Digest #1515
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:00 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1515
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1515
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1510 24 votes 15774 3b550 56724 13587 17655 1193a 1328a 23685 27852 48741
1510 3.2 mean 3.3 2.5 2.8 3.7 3.2 3.8 4.0 3.5 2.9 2.6
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-01
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawre...@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Unless I'm mistaken, I read something about "subtile humor"; what is
> it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Subtile humor" is found in men's restrooms of engineering buildings
} at some universities and a few other venues, and is the graffiti of
} the Grout Cult. A graffito in this genre is classically scrawled in
} small print in the grout line between two wall tiles. Examples
} include:
}
} Down and grout
} Grout of luck
} Tell me a-grout it
} Grout Expectations
} Grout day in the sunshine
}
} Variations on this theme can also be seen:
}
} Grout uber alles (scribbled on the tile below the grout line)
} Grout unter alles (same idea, though above the grout line)
}
} The Patron Saint of the Grout Cult is Sharpius; the Principal Opposer
} is Janitorio.
}
} This is not to be confused with "subtile humour," which would be to
} read this response aloud with a British accent in the style of a
} documentary.
}
} You owe the Oracle one complete reading of the dictionary.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-02
Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> There were these two farmers, Jake and Olle. Jake says to Olle, "So
> how are you at math? I need to know something about how to calculate
> for my farm."
>
> Olle replies, "well, I might know a bit. What's the problem?"
>
> "It's solar insolation. I was thinking I needed to understand the flux
> density so I could put up some electric panels. I got all confused
> when the fellow at the farm store said I could get 24 square kilowatts
> from the panel he was selling."
>
> "Well, Jake, he's an idiot. There is no such thing as square
> kilowatts. I'll bet he thinks that we farmers are ignorant. Iowa
> State's got more than just corn. My thesis was the net energy output
> of Barnard's Star, but I was really majoring in geophysics, not
> astronomy."
>
> "Oh, I know square kilowatts is wrong. What I was hoping was that we
> could sell him a computer program that would compute them for him.
> It'd be a simple matter of programming, an SMP. But you don't have
> continuity of functions on a computer, because the mathematics is
> really all those scaled integers they call floating point."
>
> "Ah yes, Jake, Floating Point. My girl Hulda and I used to go out
> there and swim naked at night, just like our grandparents did back in
> Sweden. 'Olle,' she would say, 'Olle, when are we gonna get married?'
> Well, I told her there was an Oracle who would answer that question.
> She screamed, and jumped in and swam, still naked, to Integer Isle. I
> never saw her again."
>
> "Olle, let's get back to the topic at hand. How can we make the
> program look like it's working, even when it's just a fake?"
>
> So Orrie, I have TWO questions for you here.
>
> 1. What sort of program should Olle and Jake write? How best to fool
> the foolish salesbeast into buying it?
>
> 2. Whatever happened to Hulda?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 1. Forget about fooling the salesman, who knows very well that
} kilowatts are cubic, not square.
}
} 2. I think Lena got mad enough when she found out about Hulda,
} that Hulda knew what was good for her and never swam back. The
} brothel she managed on that island for many years finally went
} bankrupt due to the low quality of broth they produced.
}
} You owe the Oracle a design for a complete solar system panel.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-03
Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is it true that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, non grovelling supplicant (ahem), it is true. And to save time
} regarding any follow-ups, these are true as well:
}
} All Twinkies and no exercise makes Jack a fat boy.
} All Call Of Duty and no books make Jack an unrounded boy.
} All play and no work make Jack a gadabout.
} All bone and no flesh make Jack a skeleton.
} All right angles and no unequal sides make Jack a square.
} All X chromosomes and no Y make Jack a girl.
} All skirts and no pants makes Jack a transvestite.
} All protoplasm and no cell membranes make Jack a disgusting puddle of
} goo.
} All polyester and no cotton make Jack a fashion victim.
} All guns and no abortions make Jack a southern American.
} All Jack and all not Jack makes Jack part of the superset.
} All opinion and no facts makes Jack ripe for ridicule.
} All lefts and no rights make it take a really long time for Jack to
} drive home.
} All his dad's Playboy collection and no one else at home makes Jack
} lock himself if the bathroom for a while.
} All toasters and no pythagorean theorems make Jack wonder what the fuck
} is going on.
} All filibuster and no feasible ideas makes Jack a GOP Congressman.
} All meat and no vegetables make Jack irregular.
} All self esteem and no humility makes Jack a dick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of lawn darts. No, not the "safe" round end
} kind. I mean real ones that stick in the ground. Its fun to watch
} Zadoc dodge when we play.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-04
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> That was scary! Remind me never to do it again.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Don't not never not do it again.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-05
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost. Was it
> because the other contastents cheeted?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. They stole all the good spellings from you. You were left with
} mispellings, sware words, typo's and incorect plural's, all of which
} you unfrotunately used.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-06
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
> remember that they forgot?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Say that again?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-07
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> "Lawmakers want to 'unlock' your cellphones"? I didn't know it was
> locked.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, well, you see, um---
}
} HEY LOOK OVER THERE SOME GUY IS THREATENING TO STEAL OUR GUNS
}
} *runs away with bags of money*
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-08
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I hope you know, this means WAR!
>
> At least, I think it does. Can I have some help with my dictionary and
> thesaurus?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, it does not.
}
} Here is the definition, provided courtesy of Merriam-Webster:
}
} this, pronoun: (1) : the person, thing, or idea that is present or near
} in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned <these are
} my hands> (2) : what is stated in the following phrase, clause, or
} discourse <I can only say this: it wasn't here yesterday>
}
} If you observe carefully, you will see that "war" is not part of the
} definition. So in answer to your statement, this does not mean war.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-09
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How did I screw up?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Lying on your back.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-10
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Um, start again from the beginning?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Returning all the horses to the starting gate is difficult, but
} possible, except for Spazzatronium, who died in a crumpled heap about
} 200 yards into the race. We can haul him back there if you would like,
} but reinflating him will cause a dreadful mess. Are you sure you want
} to try?
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1515
******************************************
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:00 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kin...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1515
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to ora...@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracl...@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1515
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1510 24 votes 15774 3b550 56724 13587 17655 1193a 1328a 23685 27852 48741
1510 3.2 mean 3.3 2.5 2.8 3.7 3.2 3.8 4.0 3.5 2.9 2.6
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-01
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawre...@osu.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Unless I'm mistaken, I read something about "subtile humor"; what is
> it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Subtile humor" is found in men's restrooms of engineering buildings
} at some universities and a few other venues, and is the graffiti of
} the Grout Cult. A graffito in this genre is classically scrawled in
} small print in the grout line between two wall tiles. Examples
} include:
}
} Down and grout
} Grout of luck
} Tell me a-grout it
} Grout Expectations
} Grout day in the sunshine
}
} Variations on this theme can also be seen:
}
} Grout uber alles (scribbled on the tile below the grout line)
} Grout unter alles (same idea, though above the grout line)
}
} The Patron Saint of the Grout Cult is Sharpius; the Principal Opposer
} is Janitorio.
}
} This is not to be confused with "subtile humour," which would be to
} read this response aloud with a British accent in the style of a
} documentary.
}
} You owe the Oracle one complete reading of the dictionary.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-02
Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> There were these two farmers, Jake and Olle. Jake says to Olle, "So
> how are you at math? I need to know something about how to calculate
> for my farm."
>
> Olle replies, "well, I might know a bit. What's the problem?"
>
> "It's solar insolation. I was thinking I needed to understand the flux
> density so I could put up some electric panels. I got all confused
> when the fellow at the farm store said I could get 24 square kilowatts
> from the panel he was selling."
>
> "Well, Jake, he's an idiot. There is no such thing as square
> kilowatts. I'll bet he thinks that we farmers are ignorant. Iowa
> State's got more than just corn. My thesis was the net energy output
> of Barnard's Star, but I was really majoring in geophysics, not
> astronomy."
>
> "Oh, I know square kilowatts is wrong. What I was hoping was that we
> could sell him a computer program that would compute them for him.
> It'd be a simple matter of programming, an SMP. But you don't have
> continuity of functions on a computer, because the mathematics is
> really all those scaled integers they call floating point."
>
> "Ah yes, Jake, Floating Point. My girl Hulda and I used to go out
> there and swim naked at night, just like our grandparents did back in
> Sweden. 'Olle,' she would say, 'Olle, when are we gonna get married?'
> Well, I told her there was an Oracle who would answer that question.
> She screamed, and jumped in and swam, still naked, to Integer Isle. I
> never saw her again."
>
> "Olle, let's get back to the topic at hand. How can we make the
> program look like it's working, even when it's just a fake?"
>
> So Orrie, I have TWO questions for you here.
>
> 1. What sort of program should Olle and Jake write? How best to fool
> the foolish salesbeast into buying it?
>
> 2. Whatever happened to Hulda?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 1. Forget about fooling the salesman, who knows very well that
} kilowatts are cubic, not square.
}
} 2. I think Lena got mad enough when she found out about Hulda,
} that Hulda knew what was good for her and never swam back. The
} brothel she managed on that island for many years finally went
} bankrupt due to the low quality of broth they produced.
}
} You owe the Oracle a design for a complete solar system panel.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-03
Selected-By: Christophe <x...@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is it true that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, non grovelling supplicant (ahem), it is true. And to save time
} regarding any follow-ups, these are true as well:
}
} All Twinkies and no exercise makes Jack a fat boy.
} All Call Of Duty and no books make Jack an unrounded boy.
} All play and no work make Jack a gadabout.
} All bone and no flesh make Jack a skeleton.
} All right angles and no unequal sides make Jack a square.
} All X chromosomes and no Y make Jack a girl.
} All skirts and no pants makes Jack a transvestite.
} All protoplasm and no cell membranes make Jack a disgusting puddle of
} goo.
} All polyester and no cotton make Jack a fashion victim.
} All guns and no abortions make Jack a southern American.
} All Jack and all not Jack makes Jack part of the superset.
} All opinion and no facts makes Jack ripe for ridicule.
} All lefts and no rights make it take a really long time for Jack to
} drive home.
} All his dad's Playboy collection and no one else at home makes Jack
} lock himself if the bathroom for a while.
} All toasters and no pythagorean theorems make Jack wonder what the fuck
} is going on.
} All filibuster and no feasible ideas makes Jack a GOP Congressman.
} All meat and no vegetables make Jack irregular.
} All self esteem and no humility makes Jack a dick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of lawn darts. No, not the "safe" round end
} kind. I mean real ones that stick in the ground. Its fun to watch
} Zadoc dodge when we play.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-04
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> That was scary! Remind me never to do it again.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Don't not never not do it again.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-05
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost. Was it
> because the other contastents cheeted?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. They stole all the good spellings from you. You were left with
} mispellings, sware words, typo's and incorect plural's, all of which
} you unfrotunately used.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-06
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
> remember that they forgot?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Say that again?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-07
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> "Lawmakers want to 'unlock' your cellphones"? I didn't know it was
> locked.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, well, you see, um---
}
} HEY LOOK OVER THERE SOME GUY IS THREATENING TO STEAL OUR GUNS
}
} *runs away with bags of money*
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-08
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I hope you know, this means WAR!
>
> At least, I think it does. Can I have some help with my dictionary and
> thesaurus?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, it does not.
}
} Here is the definition, provided courtesy of Merriam-Webster:
}
} this, pronoun: (1) : the person, thing, or idea that is present or near
} in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned <these are
} my hands> (2) : what is stated in the following phrase, clause, or
} discourse <I can only say this: it wasn't here yesterday>
}
} If you observe carefully, you will see that "war" is not part of the
} definition. So in answer to your statement, this does not mean war.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-09
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How did I screw up?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Lying on your back.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 13 12:19:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracl...@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1515-10
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twc...@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Um, start again from the beginning?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Returning all the horses to the starting gate is difficult, but
} possible, except for Spazzatronium, who died in a crumpled heap about
} 200 yards into the race. We can haul him back there if you would like,
} but reinflating him will cause a dreadful mess. Are you sure you want
} to try?
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1515
******************************************
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