An Undigested Oracularity
Randy Martens
This one dis not make the Digests. I would suggest a conspiracy is
at work to conceal the deep, dark truth....
***********************************************************************
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> In a carefully hidden secret laboratory, deep beneath Keokuk,
> Iowa, a ghastly plot unfolds...
>
> The man at the lab bench moves with the cautious air of someone
> who has been badly hurt, and is only recently healed. Ripples of
> scar tissue distort his face, leaving him with a permanent,
> hideous grin. Above the lab bench, in a silver frame, is a
> photograph. The man looks up at the picture and says "Soon,
> Biff, very soon, we will have our revenge. The man pauses at an
> elegant cage on the table next to the bench, and reaches in with
> a bent hand to stroke the soft fur of the creature within. A
> woodchuck. A woodchuck with a feral, evil gleam in its eye. A
> woodchuck named "Buffy".
>
> The man limps over to the bench, and lifts up the long object on
> the bench and hefts it. It is perfect, in weight, size, color,
> and shape. A perfect copy of the Staff of Zot. a faint chuckle,
> trailing off into a giggle, escapes the man's lips.
>
> Then he goes over to the surgical table, not far away, where a
> green cloth shrouds a human form. The man pulls off the cloth to
> reveal a human male, unmoving. He goes over to a large knife
> switch and throws it. Power courses through conduits to leap
> into the still form on the bench. It stirs, blinks, and sits up.
>
> The man beams with pride at his creation. He speaks to it "you
> know what to do, do you not, Zadoc Prime?"
>
> The creature answers "Yes master, my programming is completely
> detailed."
>
> "Then let us go" answers the man "The time for vengeance - is
> now."
>
> The two depart the laboratory through and elevator leading up
> into and abandoned shopping mall, the man carrying the staff, the
> android Zadoc carrying the cage containing Buffy. They enter a
> nondescript brown van, and drive off. Destination: the campus of
> Indiana University.
>
> Some time later, the lair of Orrie, the Internet Oracle. Orrie
> is busily typing away, answering supplicants, and mumbling to
> himself. Zadoc is busily waxing the floor. The Staff of Zot
> leans up against the wall in the corner.
>
> The Oracle looks over a Zadoc and growls "Zadoc!"
>
> The high priest starts, dropping his mop, and answers "Yes, your
> magnificence, how may this most insignificant drone be of service
> to you?"
>
> "I'm hungry and thirsty. Get me some Fritos and Mountain Dew"
> grumbles the Oracle, barely looking up from his work.
>
> "Yes, your resplendence" answers Zadoc, and hurries out the door.
>
> A few minutes later, a pre-occupied Zadoc fails to notice the
> brown van pulling up behind him, as he comes back from the
> convenience store. The van pulls up next to him, the door pops
> open, and there is the hiss of a dart gun. Before the now
> unconscious Zadoc can fall, with lightning speed, Zadoc Prime
> leaps out of the van, catches the falling Zadoc, and grabs the
> bag of munchies. The unconscious Zadoc is hustled into the van,
> and swiftly bound and gagged. Zadoc Prime walks off with the bag
> - and the duplicate Staff.
>
> Inside the van, the man hunches over at a portable terminal, and
> begins forging an E-mail message to the Oracle...
>
> Zadoc Prime enters the Oracle's lair, carefully stashing the
> false staff behind some plastic plants. He then walks into the
> terminal room, where the Oracle is still typing away. Zadoc
> Prime decants the Mountain Dew into a Waterford crystal chalice,
> and pours the Fritos into a silver bowl. He places the repast on
> a table next to the Oracle, who grunts an acknowledgment.
>
> Noting the Oracles pre-occupation, Zadoc-Prime, quickly grabs the
> Staff of Zot, and hustles it out of the room, quickly returning
> with the false staff, and placing exactly where the original lay.
> The Oracle failed to note anything, being more concerned about
> shoveling Fritos into his mouth.
>
> Zadoc Prime then notes the mop, and starts waxing the floor, the
> android's advanced sensors telling it exactly where the real
> Zadoc had left off.
>
> A few moments later, the Oracle, scrolling through his mail, hits
> this message:
>
> > TO: ora...@cs.indiana.edu
> > FROM: "Da Wizzerd" <Dwi...@aol.com>
> > SUBJECT: Yo! Doofus! Tell Me This!
>
> > Yo! So called "Oracle"!
> > You cant know everyting, lame brain, cause dere's
> > one question you wont answer. So if you R really
> > all knowing, answer me dis:
> >
> > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
> > chuck wood?
> >
> > You can't tell me cuz you don't know!
> > Luser!
>
> Enraged, steam exploding from his ears, Orrie leaps from his
> chair scattering Fritos everywhere, and grabs the Staff of Zot.
>
> "Insolent Pup! I'll teach him! I'll fry that puny ball of slime
> that he calls a brain into ash! Take THIS!!!" and the Oracle
> triggers the Staff of Zot.
>
> A blinding flash of coruscating light fills the room. There is a
> clatter, as the false Staff of Zot falls to the ground. Where
> the Oracle was standing is a horrifying sight. Gone is the
> Oracle, dispenser of wisdom. for the false Staff of Zot has
> transformed him - into a much confused looking woodchuck.
>
> Swiftly, Zadoc Prime runs out of the room, carrying the false
> staff. Moments later, the deformed man and Zadoc prime, re-
> enter, carrying the true staff, and the unconscious Zadoc. they
> leave these items behind, erase all clues of their presence, and
> leave. But just before their departure, the deformed man turns
> towards the woodchuck and says, laughing "Vengeance is sweet.
> Enjoy your new incarnation, Orrie."
>
> They depart, leaving Zadoc to wake a few hours later to discover
> the horrible fate of the Oracle.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Master!" cries Zadoc. "Master, what have they done to you? Oh, how
did
} this happen? I should never have let my guard down." He collapses to
} his knees, sobbing bitterly.
}
} Lisa undulates into the room, dancing as she walks to a melody only
} she can hear. "Zadoc? I heard you cry out, and --" She pales as she
} sees her beloved's transformed condition.
}
} "No ... no ..." she scarcely breathes, then dashes to the phone and
} dials a number from memory. "They're back. And they've done it. No, I
} don't know how. Yes, I need your help. As quickly as possible." She
} slams down the phone and falls heavily into a chair, trembling.
}
} "Who was that," Zadoc asks, pathetically, "and can they help us? And
} how?"
}
} "That ... was my Uncle. And I hope he can help us." Lisa shifts grimly
} in her chair. "If he can't help us, no one can."
}
} "Your uncle?" Zadoc asks, tilting his head quizzically.
}
} "Yes," she hisses, "my uncle." She rises from the chair and presses a
} concealed switch in the moulding. A wall panel slides aside to reveal
} an arsenal of weaponry, ranging from morning stars and crysknifes to
} shoulder- mounted photon torpedoes. "My uncle Bill."
}
} She whirls to face Zadoc and tells her story in a harsh, biting voice.
} "My name isn't Lisa ... it's Sissy. I, along with my younger brother
} and sister weren't conceived and born, but were cultured in a
} laboratory. Cloned from a mongrel assortment of hominid creatures, we
} were unstable from the beginning. When my younger sister Buffy was
only
} eight years old, I awoke one morning to find her gnawing on her Mrs.
} Beasley doll. Overnight she had devolved into a ... well, you know. }
... Furry W-animal."
}
} "How horrible," breathes Zadoc, momentarily unable to find his voice.
}
} She nods tightly. "For years, some sick individuals taunted me by
} sending inane questions about how much ... well, you know, until Orrie
} took sterner measures to keep them in line."
}
} "And your brother?" asks Zadoc, cowering in a corner as she whips a
} bandolier across her chest.
}
} "Jody sought to stabilize Buffy's condition. He worked feverishly for
} weeks, mixing and heating and splicing and recombining, doing enough
} work for a dozen Nobel prizes. One night, the stupid butler ... oh,
I'm
} sorry," her face draws up into an ironic smirk, "the 'gentleman's
} gentleman,' thinking Jody had just decided to spend a couple of months
} working ceaselessly on a sumptuous meal, popped open a pressure cooker
} and tried to get a taste. The entire mixture exploded in his face,
} reducing it to a blob of fleshy slag, but in the process hurling Jody
} out of a tenth story window. The impact with the ground gave him
} amnesia. Mr. French somehow decided that I was responsible, because I
} was the oldest, and he vowed revenge against me. I thought that dating
} an omniscient, omnipotent immortal would be enough protection, but
when
} Orrie mentioned to me last week that Buffy and Jody had vanished from
} the private sanatorium and wildlife park where we had placed them, I
} knew a reckoning was coming. That evilly insane genius used plastic
} surgery and memory implants to transform Jody into a perfect replica
of
} you ... and then he struck, taking out my defender so that he could
} return for me at will." She allows herself a hard smile. "He thinks
I'm
} easy pickings."
}
} "And now?" asks Zadoc.
}
} "Now," she grunts, slinging her ba*ZOT*ka into place on her shoulder,
} counting up the *ZOT* grenades on her belt, "now the time has come to
} settle the score."
}
} "Which is where your uncle comes in?"
}
} She nods, absently. "Uncle Bill. Mild mannered fatherly type whenever
} anyone was looking, but out of sight he was a berserker who didn't
give
} anyone any leeway. Used to beat Buffy and Jody within an inch of their
} lives just because he said they were 'too cute.' Once, they got lost
on
} a tour bus in Spain and had to hang out with the monks until he got
} back to pick them up. He chuckled and rumpled their hair all the time
} until he got them back to the hotel. Then he nailed them into a crate
} and shipped them back home while he cruised in style on the QE II."
}
} Carefully she oils the treads on her battletank. "Mr. French was
} terrified of him. One time he caught Mr. French using his clippers to
} tidy up that disgusting, food-encrusted beard, and he shaved every
hair
} off of Mr. French's body. Would've started in on some internal cilia,
} but the neighbors heard Mr. French mewling and pleading and called the
} police. Yes, with Uncle Bill's help, we'll soon get this score
} settled."
}
} "In the meantime, get on that terminal there and tell the warped
} supplicant who started this mess that s/he owes the Oracle, incarnated
} as D. Srader, a roll of Bounty -- super absorbent --
} the Quicker-Picker-Upper."
}
} "What for?" asks Zadoc.
}
} A wickled gleam twinkles in her eye as she sights her rifle and tests
} its balance. She looks up and meets his wide, twitching eyes with her
} hard, steely glare. "For the blood."
***********************************************************************
--
| "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no |
| basis for a system of government" ----------- M. Palin |
David Hinerman
Randy Martens (ran...@lvld.hp.com) wrote:
: This one dis not make the Digests. I would suggest a conspiracy is
: at work to conceal the deep, dark truth....
: > A blinding flash of coruscating light fills the room. There is a
: > clatter, as the false Staff of Zot falls to the ground. Where
: > the Oracle was standing is a horrifying sight. Gone is the
: > Oracle, dispenser of wisdom. for the false Staff of Zot has
: > transformed him - into a much confused looking woodchuck.
Pretty good, but I liked the question better. Just seeing the word
"coruscating" brought back fond memories for reading E. E. "Doc" Smith's
Lensman Series. That was back when nobody cared how accurate was the
"science" in "science fiction."
Thanks!
--
____________________________________________________________________
My employer didn't pay for this opinion, so they're not responsible.
If you want to discuss it, contact me directly.
dhi...@freenet.columbus.oh.us