Puns of the Weak: 04/05/02

[Stan Kegel]

PUNS OF THE WEAK: for the week ending 4/5/02

IN THE NEWS:

It's next Sunday that all the barbers observe a holiday -- Daylight
Shaving Time. (Cynthia MacGregor)

I hear the original NY baseball team was made up of dentists who played
ball in their spare time. This is where the team name came from ...
Yankees. (Cynthia MacGregor)

It's next Sunday that all the chefs observe a holiday -- Daylight Saving
Thyme. (Cynthia MacGregor)

I hear that over the winter they built a motel with a pretty garden
around it in the middle of Yankee Stadium. Even those who don't stay at
the motel go to visit the inn field. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Did you know the semi-annual time-switch also existed in ancient
history? The Roman Emperors observed Daylight Slaving Time. (Cynthia MacGregor)

I understand that the motto of Daylight Savings Time came from watching
a jack-in-the-box at work. Spring a head. (Cynthia MacGregor)

HOLIDAY PUNS

What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
He probably had a bad hare day. (Irene A. Mystery)

How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots. (Irene A. Mystery)

What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row and they are all
marching backwards?
A receding hareline. (Irene A. Mystery)

Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
The outside. (Irene A. Mystery)

Why Did Moses and the Children of Israel wander in the desert for 40
years?
Because even then men refused to ask for directions! (Archives)

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

What would you call Ted Kazynski if he was castrated, released from
prison and assigned to work in a mortuary?
The eunuch-embalmer (Stan Kegel)

A rich fellow had a red Rolls-Royce which was his pride and joy. He
doted over it as if it were his dog or cat. In fact, he referred to it
by terms which are commonly used to describe ones domestic companions.
Thus, whenever someone came to visit, this fellow would call to his
chauffeur to do something which, coincidentally, is a command often used
by world leaders to show respect to visiting dignitaries. What would he
tell the chauffeur?
"Roll out the Red Car Pet" (Clynch Varnadore)

A military leader was about to launch a viciously brutal attack upon a
factory where crystal chandeliers were manufactured. What were his
orders to the troops just before he sent them in with guns blazing?
Take no prismers (Gary Hallock)

What do you call a giant cousin of the shark family who became a
Buddhist and spent much of his time in deep meditation?
A Mantra Ray (Ken Pinkham)

What Disney movie was an account of a certain ecdysiast's style of performance?
Fan tease ya (Cynthia MacGregor)

Two hippies were going through a bitter divorce. They had finally
settled who would get to keep the VW microbus, the futon, the lava lamp
and the bong. The only remaining thing on which they could not reach an
agreement was their large collection of potted plants. They had both
invested so much of their time and energy into raising them that they
each felt as though these plants were like their own children. With that
in mind, what was the obvious solution?
Joint Custody (Gary Hallock)

When my bride refused to cook me any type of soup, I had our marriage
annulled. What grounds did I have?
The marriage had never been consommeted.(Stan Kegel)

When God was creating the world, what famous actor got the subcontract
to manufacture no less than 999,999 crustacean cases with which to
litter the earth's beaches?
Makes a million shells (Gary Hallock)

OTHER RIDDLES:

What did one chick say to the other when it found some citrus food in
their nest?
Look at the orange Mama laid. (Lederer & Ertner)

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the
refrigerator. (Bree Shultz)

What animal is a cannibal?
The cow because it eats its fodder. (Lederer & Ertner)

How do chickens start a race?
From scratch (Lederer & Ertner)

What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf. (Goatboy)

Why are some cattle heretical?
Because they are burned at the steak. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do you call a group of Australians in line for grilled steak?
A barbie queue. (Lederer & Ertner)

DEFINITIONS:

Information: How birds migrate (Lederer & Ertner)

Yukon: Accusation that you are a swindler (Stan Kegel)

Gruesome: Got taller and put on weight. (Brandy Brandon)

Inmate: A husband or wife that stays home. (Leonard Fechtner)

X-Ray: Raymond after his sex change operation (Stan Kegel)

Impeccable: Something a chicken cannot eat. (Lederer & Ertner)

Indistinct: The place people put dirty dishes. (Leonard Fechtner)

Quire: A church singing group (Stan Kegel)

Hallucinate: What mother said to Harold when she found he had tied up
Nathan. (Brandy Brandon)

Conversion: A sects change operation (M. Rose Pierce)

Infantry: A baby oak (Leonard Fechtner)

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom (Stan Kegel)

Dog Pound: A used cur lot (Lederer & Ertner)

X-ray: Inside information (Hal Stebbins)

Inhibited: Tied up in nots. (M. Rose Pierce)

Ideal: my turn to pass out the cards (Leonard Fechtner)

Racist: Someone who worships the Daytona 500 (Stan Kegel)

Quadratic: Powered by four rather large rodents. (Ken Shurget)

Invite: How a bride is dressed. (Leonard Fechtner)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I tried to keep them from spending our entire promotional budget on
those jingles," Tom replied adversely. (Stan Kegel).

"I don't think it's a great idea to take us snorkeling," said Tom with a
sinking feeling. (Bobsie)

"Were any messages left for me in my absence?" Tom asked phonetically.
(Daniel Reihs).

"He seems to be on the level," Tom said flatly. (Stan Kegel)

"I'll take a gin and tonic," Tom said spiritedly. (Daniel Reihs).

"As I took off my heavy coat, the floodlights were turned on," Tom
replied enlightenedly (Stan Kegel)

"I'm rereading the second Gospel," Tom remarked. (Gill Krebs)

"Not the tin man!" Tom shouted dishearteningly.. (Daniel Reihs)

"She always knew what I was thinking without my having to say a word,"
Tom said sentimentally. (Stan Kegel).

"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly. (Gill Krebs)

"Watch me jump off of this Parisian bridge," Tom said inseinely..
(Daniel Reihs)

Before the divorce, she used to point out my faults continually," Tom
said excitedly (Stan Kegel).

"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered.
(Gill Krebs)

BLOOPERS:

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son
of his father, but a president isn't (Richard Lederer).

Ladies, you will enjoy Sam's department storesshopping, which features
clothing for the entire family. Our special this week is men's trousers.
So for the biggest thing in men's trousers, come in and see Sam.
(Commercial as quoted by Kermit Schafer)

The Puritans thought every event significant because it was a massage
from God. (Richard Lederer)

Be sure not to miss "The Coming of Christ", Wednesday, 8:30 P. M., 7:30
Central time. (Station Break announcement)

To be a good nurse, you must be absolutely sterile. (Richard Lederer)

We are going to do a medley of songs from World War eye. (Lawrence Welk
on his TV show)

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
(Richard Lederer)

The batter hit a line drive off the shortstop's leg, which rolled into
left field. (Jim Mica)

All the world is thrilled with the marriage of the Duck and Doochess of
Windsor. (News broadcaster)

POETRY

"I should be punished
For every pun I shed;
Do not leave a punny shred
Of my punnish head!"
(Samuel Johnson)

"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."
Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.
When I stand by the alter
The groom must not falter."
"Ah yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."
(Gill Krebs)

Most Americans
Consider travel abroad
As foreign to them
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

She eyed the sushi
Tempted by Nippon cuisine
Aso, she ate it
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

The librarian
Says their budget has been cut
Can't they just fine more?
(Gary Hallock)

Cold fusion is hot
But what generates the heat?
Pure science friction
(Gary Hallock)

Uncle Henry's wife
Broke her hip. A victim of
Auntie gravity
(Gary Hallock)

TV dog food ads--
Canine culinary treats--
Call them "cur-mercials"
(Cynthia MacGregor)

DAILIES:

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. (Pun
of the Day)

He refused to study history because there’s no future in it. (Jumble)

When Junior braked too hard, Dad put a stop to it. (Jumble)

The crafty cement salesman managed to scam several residents of the
Greek island. I canít believe that his concrete scheme worked." (The Big Pun)

Did you hear about the all midget porno flick?
The first to feature full runtal nudity. (Very Punny)

The gluttonous aardvark was asked by the banquet waiter, "Is that your
final ant, sir?" (E4Fun)

A zoo had too many panda bears, so they built a pandemonium. (Pun of
the Day)

Some diets cause a gut reaction. (Pun of the Day)

Some people don't like food going to waist. (Pun of the Day)

What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones that are in the mail. (The Daily Groaner)

Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.
(Pun of the Day)

Archers study arrow dynamics (Pun of the Day)

The man with the boring personality has a huge debt at the bedding
store. I wonder how much the pillows. (The Big Pun)

A one-wood golf club walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer but
the barman refuses to serve him. "Why not?" "Because you're the
designated driver." (The Daily Groaner)

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. (Intl
Save the Pun Fnd)

Noah wasn't the first off the ark. He came forth. (Pun of the Day)

The noisy plumbers were told to pipe down. (Jumble)

Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an
impotence clinic? He had to cancel because something came up. (Very Punny)

The figure skater's sparkly costumes were stored out of sequence. (The
Big Pun)

We finally arrived in Moscow, tired and hungry, S0VIET (Intl Save the
Pun Fnd)

Some people don't have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling. (Pun of
the Day)

Nurses often have to check their patient's impulse without missing a
beat (Pun of the Day encore)

A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a gin
................ .................... ............. ..................
..................... and tonic. Bartender says , sure buddy but whats
up with the long pause? The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my
dad had them too. (The Daily Groaner)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.... what?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (The Daily Groaner)

ONE-LINERS:

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.
(Oscar Levant)

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted. (Fred Allen)

If someone complains that punning is the lowest from of humor, you can
tell them that poetry is verse. (Bob Davies)

I finally repaired my metronome. Beat's working! (Glenn Gardner)

After mopping floors and scrubbing walls, the miserable housewife felt
washed up and wrung out and kicked the bucket. (Cryptograms)

Change is good. Particularly when you've been wearing the same
underwear for several days. (Matt Diamond)

Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (Shelby Friedman)

Did you hear about the guy who ate like a horse. He would have eaten
like a cow but he didn’t have the stomach for it. (Lederer & Ertner)

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time
(Douglas Helsel) .

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Jerry Ulett)

I do feel like I'm cheating every year on my taxes whenI list myself as
the head of our household. (Gag-O-Matic)

A dance instructor comes into a bar and enthusiastically says, "The
drinks are on me!" The bartender says, "Hey, you can't just waltz in
here and order everyone a round like that!" (Gary Hallock)

In 1967 The first horse motel opened, providing animals with a stable
environment. (Patrick Kincaid)

In 1840 The first elastic girdle was made. Asked if it worked, the
inventor replied "Of Corset Does". (Patrick Kincaid).

A woman called the dairy and ordered enough milk for a bath.
“Pasteurized?” asked the farmer. “No,” replied the woman, “just up to my
neck.” (Lederer & Ertner)

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. (Douglas Helsel)

Cell phones are a static symbol. ( Tiff Wimberly)

Rome wasn't burned in a day. (Richard Lederer)

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. (Jerry Ulett)

When I told my mother I wanted to be a comedian, she said, “Don't make
me laugh!” (Douglas Helsel)

Hawaii is a great place to be lei'd (M Rose Pierce)

When the plumber went on strike, the home owner was forced to toil it.
(Daniel Reihs).

Nervous cows give milk shakes. (Lederer & Ertner)

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Jerry Ulett)

Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex. So many of us pay through
the nose. (Paul Benoit)

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin It won't
work and you can't fire it. (Kids Kingdom)

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get
you into hot water (Dim Wit)

The true father of the child was clearly a parent (Daniel Reihs)

Invisable cows give evaporated milk. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Now the shoe is on the other horse (Richard Lederer).

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Douglas
Helsel)

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye. (Jerry Ulett)

It wasn't the apple that got us tossed out of the Garden of Eden, it was
the pair on the ground! (Norman Gilbert)

When a hospital visitor asked two Jewish patients how bad their
hemorrhoid operations were, they jointly replied, "It tuchas a long time
to recover." (Harvey Gordon)

Heard about the baby kangaroo who ran off and left his mother holding
the bag? (Milton Berle)

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. (Jokes Galore)

LONGER PUNS:

One day Adam took his two sons, Cain and Abel up on a high hill
overlooking a beautiful valley wherein was The Garden of Eden. As they
gazed in wonder at the lush vegetation and beautiful flowers below them,
Adam said, "Take a good look boys. That's where we lived before your
mother ate us out of house and home!" (Archives)

As I was traveling by a fuel oil company. They had a sign displaying the
forecast of the weather. It said, "Whether today, sunny and mild." That
was the worst spell of weather I've ever seen. (Syman Hirsch)

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see
the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the
nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to
the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination,
fraternity, maternity.... what's the difference? All I know is I
haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant." (Rubin)

“I hear your son is going to be in the school play.” “Yes, he’s a shy
boy and I hope this will get him out of his shell.” “What role does he
have?” “He’s playing a turtle.” (Danny Perry)

One day recently my wife had a dentist appointment early in the morning
so she didn't fill her thermos with java when she left the house. She
speculated that she might swing back by the house later on her way to
work. Thus the drip pot was still on when I left home as I speculated to
my son, "She may or may not come back to fill her thermos. Either way,
it's safe to assume she will have Mr Coffee." (Gary Hallock)

William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was
also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his
friends, he said, 'I think there is one or more spices missing. What do
you think?' Their answer was, 'Only Thyme, Will Tell!' (Janice)

I think all those guys at the Internal Revenue Service are so damn
picky. They denied a 50 percent depreciation deduction on me. It was
all my wife's idea though. She said I'm not half the man I used to be. (Gag-O-Matic)

Five bulls were standing in a pasture discussing what they wanted to be
when they grew up. The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a
papal bull. The second wanted to go to New York and become a bull on
Wall street. The third wanted to go to the Windy City and become a
Chicago Bull. The fourth wanted to go to Beijing and become a bull in a
China shop. The fifth said he was going to stay in the pasture for
heifer and heifer and heifer. (Lederer & Ertner)

"May I try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous woman asked the
manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replied.
"Maybe it'll attract some business."(Joke Nite)

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was
crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The
hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much
of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten
minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." (Clean Cut Jokes)

Three bulls escaped from a ranch. The largest bull was so slow that he
was caught in no time flat. The medium sized bull was caught some time
later. The smallest bull, however, eluded the rancher for several hours.
Which just goes to show that a little bull goes a long way. (Lederer & Ertner)

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do
in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp
too." (Joke Nite)

Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her
letter of resignation: 'Dear boss, My reason for leaving will soon be
apparent - and so will I. Mary (Clean Laffs)

The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down
to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed
the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited
five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check
twice. (Gill Krebs)

A mountain lion ate a whole bull and feeling good, began roaring and
roaring. A hunter, hearing the roaring, came along and plugged the
critter proving that if you’re full of bull, you should keep your mouth
shut. (Lederer & Ertner)

An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications
for being President of the United States. After the teacher commented
that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised
her hand 'Does that mean that if you were born by Cesarean section that
you can't be President? (Syman & McNair)

The Federal Bureau of Investigation today released its long-awaited
report on the late New York Yankee superstar, Mickey Mantle. The sordid
report detailed Mantle’s drinking problems, liaisons with married women,
and reported blackmail by gamblers. Buried in the report was the
Bureau’s reasons for initiating the investigations. It was reported that
J. Edgar Hoover was interested in meeting the home run hitter personally
when it was reported to him that Mickey Mantle was a switch-hitter.
(Stan Kegel)

Josh was helping Sally, his not too bright girlfriend, clean out the
trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite
inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see
that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow
up one of my tires." ( Bree Schultz)

FOR THE CHILDREN:

What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath. (Marsha Coleman)

What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit?
The Oyster Bunny (Dylan, 7)

What do kids drive?
Their parents crazy (Athena, 10)

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A Walkie-Talkie (Giselle, 10)

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. (Lederer & Ertner)

What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?
Disney Spells (Marsha Coleman)

How do you make an orange laugh?
Tickle its navel (Oscar, 11)

Why doesn’t a witch wear a flat hat?
Because there is no point in it (Herman, 8)

Why are cheetahs an endangered species?
Because cheetahs never prosper. (Lederer & Ertner)

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet! (Marsha Coleman)

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look flushed (Mary, 10)

Why didn’t the peanut butter cross the road?
Because there was a traffic jam. (Brianna)

What is the difference between a hill and a pill?
One is hard to get up and the other is hard to get down. (Jay, 11)

If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back,
what is it?
A dirty double crosser. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What do you get if you cross a Freeway with a bicycle?
Killed (Thieving Joker)

When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
When it turns into a driveway (Daniella)

What did the magician say after he made the rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow (Patricia, 12)

Can music make you think?
It made Stevie Wonder (Joy, 7)

Why is it a bad idea to tell jokes while ice skating?
Because the ice may crack up. (Delight, 10)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

There once was a vampire called Mabel
Who's menstrual cycle was stable
One weekend in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table.
(Ed Hexter)

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high and opened his fly
And Jill cried, "Where's the beef?"
(Hershy)

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
(Laugh Your Ass Off)

Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
Because there's no fucking overhead. (Stan Kegel)

Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women? It's made of
Kentucky Fried Chicken, Marijuana, and Arrid Xtra Dry.It leaves you
high, dry, and finger licking good! (Pure Humor)

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I
said, "Get off me, you two!" (Goatboy)

How do you photograph an impotent man who refuses to use Viagra?
Use a why dangle lens! (Johann von Haupkopf)

Why are bankers good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal. (LAB)

Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money. (Fuhrman)

It takes many nails to make a crib, but just one screw to fill it. (Quickies)

Have you heard about the prostitute who contracted appendicitis and they
sewed up the wrong hole?
Now she's making money on the side. (Richard Lederer)

Men are like Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get
hard. (Hershy)

95% of all people have hemorrhoids. The other 5% are perfect assholes!
(Gunjan Saraf)

Did you hear about the 500 people living on a flood plain who all
experienced bowel movements simultaneously?
They were ordered to evacuate. (Harry Simmons)

What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
"We may not be number 1, but were still up there!" (The Postman)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton pickup. (Naughty Newsletter)

Why did the little Greek boy want to run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why didn’t the little Greek boy run away from home after all?
He didn't want to leave his brothers behind. (Tom Sarg)

Did you hear about the guy that thought Peter Pan was a washbasin in a
house of ill repute? (Gary Hallock)

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year! (Mike Spence)

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your
day, anal sex makes your hole weak! (Uniadyiike Laughs)

A secretary is not permanent until screwed on the desk. (Fuhrman)

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a
local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up
a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "you know me,
why don't you talk to me?" She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan
- big M, small organ." (Thieving Joker)

Confucius say woman who fly upside down have crack up. (Gill Krebs)

Dancing: A navel engagement with no discharge of semen. (Richard Lederer)

Overheard at a bar: "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally
faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.
(Ed Hexter)

Do you know what Blonde Paint is? It's a type of paint that's not very
bright, cheap and spreads easy. (Jeff Wilkerson)

That guy who was accused of having sex with a sheep at a Future Farmers
of America fair has taken it on the lamb. (Jay Leno)

Princess Anne moved to Toronto, became a Canadian, had a thing for cops
and liked to be on top, the tabloids ran a headline "Royal Canadian
mounted police" (David Reihmer)

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a prostitute
with diarrhea?
An epileptic oysterman shucks between fits, (Richard Lederer)

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one. (Archives)

A recent news report told of a old geezer down South that was caught
having sex with a old sow. How was he caught?
The pig squealed. (Robert Tanner)

What did the German bisexual woman do?
Went down on her Hans and niece. (Tom’s Burlesque)

Unique: A nutless Frenchman. (Richard Lederer)

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have
more! (Fuhrman)

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. (Alan B. Combs)

What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?
You dont fuck with either one. (Goatman)

Why are men are like toilets.
They are either occupied or full of crap! (Silly Stuff)

Have you heard about the deaf gynecologist?
He had to learn to read lips. (Richard Lederer)