"Puns of the Weak" 10/20/00
Stan Kegel
“Puns of the Weak” for the week ending 10/20/00
“What's love but a second hand in motion?,” (“What's love but a
second-hand emotion?” Tina Turner, “What's Love Got to Do With It”)
(David Trevas)
Why does a lung doctor have such an interest in the dark phase of the
lunar orb? He's a new-moon-ologist (By Cynthia MacGregor)
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift painstakingly. (Richard
Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup. (Sports Jokes)
A local homemade bread company was investigated by the Department of
Health because the owner would not provide the recipe for his bread.
When asked by the local reporters why the recipe was a secret, he
replied, “Because its classified, and on a kneed the dough basis only.”
(Syman Hirsch)
I have kleptomania and, when it gets bad, I take something to help me
sleep. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
"My giant sea creature died," Tom wailed blubberingly (Richard Lederer)
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A
cereal killer. (Clynch Varnadore)
The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and pleural at the bottom. (Richard Lederer)
Who knocks on your door selling Halloween cookies? Ghoul Scouts (Ken Pinkham)
Those who reach their 42nd birthday celebrate it with fortitude. (Gnu Bee)
Sign on a deli snack-bar jar in Santa Fe, N.M.: "Tips. Support Counter Intelligence."
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in
themselves... (Jackie Holle)
I wanted a smaller house, so I hired a contractor. (Scot Nelson)
Wife: “Solomon, are you truly in love with me?” King Solomon: “My dear,
you are one in a thousand!” (Helen Hoke)
Many a poet has learned that rhyme doesn't pay. (The Naughty Newsletter)
Streisand's new haircuttery might be known as Barbra Of Seville (Cynthia MacGregor)
"The tennis score is 0-0,” Tom said lovingly. (Pun American Newsletter)
Artifacts: Information on painters (Jonathan Delaney)
What did one insect say to the other insect? Stop bugging me. (James D. Ertner)
A counterfeiter is a man who wants money bad. (Henny Youngman)
If a man is born in Nigeria, defects to Canada, wins a gold medal in
Australia and dies in Bolivia, what is he? Dead (Norm Gilbert)
While marking her pupil's social studies test papers, the teacher was in
a quandry about the answer given by one of the third-graders. Asked to
name the four major directions, he wrote: "Listen carefully. Write
neatly. Sit up straight. Raise your hand." (Becky Shiles)
In the beginning there was nothing. And God said, “Let there be light.”
There was still nothing, but you could see a lot better. (Ellen
DeGeneras)
"I've gained thirty pounds," said Tom heavily. (Stan Kegel)
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)
People who have an attraction forcertain tiny magical people might be
termed gnome-o-sexual (Mike Driscoll)
My fat cousin loves Halloween, she's a plump kin. (William Balderaz)
Feminist: A female that prefers plots and plans to pots and pans. (Lee
Daniel Quinn)
What well known book by Charles might be subtitled "The Great Martini
Debate?" Olive or twist (By Lars Hanson)
“Percy Sledge was married on time,” (“Parsley, sage, rosemary and
thyme,” Simon and Garfinkle, “Scarborough Fair”) (David Trevas)
Earthquake: A topographical error (Kegel Archives)
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends... (By Jackie
Holle)
There are more than 10,000,000 people in Canada who are obese. These are
just round figures. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Why do people eat pretzels since they are knot food? (Pun of the Day)
"The dog took a plug out of my finger!" Tom yelled with biting sarcasm.
(Merlyn M. )
When they cancelled the deer hunt, it cost “a buck or two.” (Jumble)
"What'll you do," the teacher asked, "When you are as big as your
mother?" Diet," replied the young girl. (Daily Groaner)
Why was the broom late? It over swept! (Daily Groaner)
Goliath: The biblical way to tell somebody to go tell an untruth (Jay Christie)
No human beings were around during the Ice Age because it was the
pre-stork era. (Richard Lederer)
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. (By Clynch Varnadore)
How many insects does it take to make a landlord happy? Ten ants.
(James D. Ertner)
“Take a bow,” Tom said sternly. (Lorrie Moore)
A department store detective is a counterspy. (Henny Youngman)
Psychiatrist's ad: "Dr. Bike, when not just any psych'll do." (Bill Rayborn)
If Clark had gone into home remodeling, specializing in putting second
stories on homes, he could have called it "Clark's Gables. (Clynch Varnadore)
Restaurants in Mexico will serve only genuine Spanish rice to preserve
the aroma of their cuisine. They know that arroz by any other name
smells as wheat. (Paul Benoit)
A politician will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. (Oscar Levant)
The mummy asked his maker, ""How do I exist?" What was the answer? Just
be gauze (By Gary Hallock)
While working for the U. S. Census, I approached one home where I was
greeted by two children. I introduced myself, explained that I was a
census taker and asked to see an adult. The older child ran to the door
and shouted for the woman of the house. She hollered back, "Who is it?
The youngster yelled, "It's the senseless undertaker." (By Emmett
Thurlo)
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! (Aiken Drum)
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
(Gr8 Humor)
Ad in “Auto Traider”: 1974 Cadalac Hearse. Runs great, has three-way
power table with casket, body in excellent condition (Reader’s Digest)
"I don't know what to buy in the grocery store," said Tom listlessly.
(William James Holt)
How did the ghost repair his sheet? With a pumpkin patch. (By Clynch
Varnadore)
Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was
Robinson Crusoe. (LAB)
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys
accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to
get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!" (By
Richard Lederer and P. C. Swanson)
Bruise Lee: An inept martial-arts student (Ray Tillman)
Why didn't the skeleton attend the banquet? He didn't have the stomach
for it (By Gary Hallock)
OA werewolf recently attacked the occupants of a car manufactured by a
division of Ford, and devoured them until he exploded. But that's what
happens with Mercury full-moon-ate. (Robert E. Lewis)
What do you call drunken French artists who paint on gesso? The
plastered of paris (By Gary Hallock)
When the family wanted a pool, Dad took the plunge. (Jumble)
Legend: The edge of a cliff (Art. Moger)
A troubled man walks into his psychiatrists office and says, "I'm a
Wigwam, I'm a Teepee. " The psychiatrist says "Relax I think I know what
your problem is. Your Two Tents!” (Daily Groaner)
Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better
not try to sing. (Richard Lederer)
A forger is a man who made a name for himself. (Henny Youngman)
My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We
checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten the
moment, I asked my husband, “What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives
for half a tooth?” “Nothing,” he replied, “She wants the tooth, the
whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.” (Adrian Booher)
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked how long I'd be gone? I
said, “The whole time.” (Steven Wright)
Why don't pumpkins smoke? They're on the patch. (Gnu Bee)
Will a wraith ever be elected President? He doesn't stand a ghost of a
chance. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Polarize: What penguins see with (Hershy)
"I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly. (Richard Lederer)
The nation is at a crossroads and the stakes are high as vampires across
America prepare to vote. Polls indicate that vampires overwhelmingly
favor Gore. (Tim Bruening)
Whereas all prostitutes, pimps, beer-drinkers, and Sharon Stone favor
the other candidate. (Henry Link)
When your mother in law comes to visit, it's another mouth to heed.
(The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Why do programmers always confuse Christmas with Halloween? Because DEC
25 = OCT 31(25 base 10 = 31 base 8) (David Lloyd-Jones)
Marine biologists like to see a friend or a sea anemone. (Pun of the Day)
What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?
Seizure salad (The Placebo Page)
The French Revolution took place because Louis XIV was revolting.
(Richard Lederer)
The story of crime and punishment is not to be told in short sentences.
(Henny Youngman)
Every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen, I get it for dinner.
(Syman Hirsch)
How did the ghost who didn't have a driver's license hurt his toes? He
got them caught in the spooks of his bicycle. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed greatly. (Richard Lederer)
My teenage son reported that he was in at a quarter of twelve. Of
course, everyone knows that one-quarter of twelve is three. (Guy R. Briggs)
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party? They
knew he wouldn't show up. (By Gary Hallock)
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me. (The Pun Factory)
Then there's the love 'em and leave 'em type: 'bye-sexuals. (Keith Martin)
A new Gershwin musical tells the story of a New Yorker who goes to
France to sell horse meat in "A Mare He Canned in Paris." (Gill Krebs)
"I'm a mathematician," Tom added summarily (Richard Lederer)
A couple was involved in a petty argument and were getting tired of it,
so the husband volunteered a compromise. He'd admit he was wrong if
she's admit he was right. She decided to be a lady and let him go first.
He said, "I'm wrong," and she smiled and said, "You're right!" (One
Weird Dude)
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. (Mike Atkinson)
"I wonder how deep that small body of water is?" Tom pondered. (Perfect Tommy)
A bunch of men are watching Noah building his ark. The have been there
day after day and they are observing the man as he tediously working.
One man turns to his neighbor and says, "Do you think he knows something
we don't?" (Linda Koff)
Rebuttal: A goat’s revenge (M. Rose Pierce)
Use monsoon in a sentence: I've been single for a long time but I hope
to get a monsoon. (Helen Hoke)
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. (From C C
Jokes)
What reptile would you find controlling traffic at the Calgary Stampede?
Mountie Python (By Stan Kegel)
“I will have to sand these floors before I can varnish them,” Tom said
abrasively. (P. C. Swanson)
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? Because she wanted to
mail a litter. (Daily Groaner)
Why can't you see the invisible man's mother and father? They're
trans-parents (By Gary Hallock)
What did the mother firefly say to her daughter? You’re bright for your
age. (James D. Ertner)
The husband of a policewoman often takes the law into his own hands.
(Henny Youngman)
Isaac’s wife said, “That wasn’t an apple that hit your head. It was a
fig, Newton.” (P. C. Swanson)
“Go take some pictures with your brownie,” Ginger snapped. (Stan Kegel)
What do you call two witches that live together? Broommates (Kassondra, 11)
The old doctors practice of bloodletting was all in vein. (Mike Bull)
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
(Syman Hirsch)
A really old vampire named "Tex"
Is "out for blood" and I suspects
He's not a nice guy
If he catches your eye
It's you who will likely be necks
(By Gary Hallock)
Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after
drinking too much.. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made
of himself. (Bad Puns)
What kind of water is good to drink when you are sick? Well water
(Hunter, 8 yrs. )
The circular saw was invented by a man who wanted to take a short cut.
(Bob Weaver)
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch! (Quickies)
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a plant manager. (Terry Galan)
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool." From the
back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?" (Dave Stone)
Tangent: A sunburned man. (Pierre Abbat)
A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she
gets in hot water. (Nancy Reagan)
Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie, off course. (By Norman
Gilbert)
Amy
of AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap."
--
Amy
In the beginning was The Word,
and The Word was Chocolate.
And The Word became flesh, and dwelt upon us forever.
~ Confections 1oz:360cal
"Stan Kegel" <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
news:39F150C2...@fea.net...
LPPCQ Snarky
>
>“Puns of the Weak” for the week ending 10/20/00
>
>chance. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
"Yeah, all those wraith issues are so controversial."
--
===================================================================================
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Lola, called Snarky, the Chocolate Snark, Queen of the Snarks
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