Puns of the Weak 6/22/01

[Stan Kegel]

Puns of the Weak for the week ending 6/22/01

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her
piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared
the living daylights out of the Mother pig. The little hog laughed to
see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon! (John Fleming)

"The best hot dogs are the ones at the ball park with brown mustard and
chow chow," said Tom, abundantly relishing the chance to speak frankly.
(Don Kirkman)

Forest: The purpose behind sedatives (James O’Dwyer)

"I suggest you stick to painting, Mr. Van Gogh, you sure don’t have an
ear for music. (Lee DiAngilo)

Vampires hate Crosswords. (Tim Breuning)

People, like water,
Have their heads in clouds before
They come down to earth
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed. then they
started drifting apart. (Doug Aiken)

"I’m going to kill Dracula!” said Tom painstakingly. (Richard Lederer)

A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer. (Pun of the Day)

It’s a cemetery. That’s where dead people live. (Jeff and Bil Keane)

If you’re Russia round and Ukraine your neck don't Crimea river. (Pun of
the Day)

A young man in Iowa went to the circus one hot summer's day. When he
returned, his parents asked him, "How was the circus?" To which he
replied, "It was great, but the heat was in tents." (Carlton Thornburgh)

Bachelor: One who never makes the same mistake once. (Lexicon)

My inexperienced masseuse had great difficulty locating my sore spots.
She did not feel very well. (Scot Nelson)

Everyone hates Cross Pens. They're so unpleasant to work with. (Steve J.)

My oldest boy is currently practicing a difficult piano concerto by a
famous Russian composer. Our piano is in the same room as our TV where I
enjoy watching sitcoms. On many nights I get nearly the same program
from both ends of the room. What is it? The Third Rachmaninoff from the
Son? (Gary Hallock)

She considered her sculpture a “touchy” subject. (Jumble)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going
to those places. (Henny Youngman)

The prisoner escaped over the fence but got COTTON the barbed wire.
(Cynthia MacGregor)

Miser- A person who lets the world go buy. (Geoff Tibballs)

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
Who was in court for a horrific crime,
Said, “Your honor, oh no!
It cannot be so
For I was a broad at the time.
(John S. Crosby)

Luftansa has the most Otto pilots. (Keith Martin)

Microsoft is starting a program where you can rent their products. I
think it's an Excel-lent offer! (Phil Hudson)

What does a computer eat when it’s hungry? It eats its chips, one byte
at a time. (Andrew)

A separate Pope has been appointed for lunatics. He's the See of
tranquility. (J. A. Mc.)

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look a little flushed.
(Bruce Calder)

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand even when the
watch is brand new? (Lee Daniel Quinn)

Why do insurance companies consistently lose money on health insurance
for elevator operators? They are always coming down with something.
(Stan Kegel)

Don’t blame God; he's only human. (Leo Roston)

At first I thought that my life was going around in circles. Then I
realized it's actually a downward spiral. (Tom Ryan)

What a life dogs have
Always sniffing each other
They get "come play scent"
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

In 1974 Shirley Temple Black was appointed U.S. Ambassador to Ghana. To
celebrate, gala parties were planned at both the Swiss and British
embassies. Her assistants made plans for her to attend both fetes, but
the Ambassador made it clear she wanted no part of a two ball legation.
(Harry Farkas)

The swimming instructor was sick one day so they sent the golf pro to
take his place. I almost drowned. He kept telling me to keep my head
down. (Andy Chaps)

"I dropped my brace over the balcony," said Tom downcastly (Gill Krebs).

Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover was once spotted in public in a
frilly dress with a Hollywood actor who played a G-man in the movies.
The odd couple were the original Cagney and lacey. (Guy Ben Moshe)

A golfer has to have good fore-sight. (Pun of the Day)

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
(Henny Youngman)

It is okay to kiss a fool; it is okay to let a fool kiss you; but never
ever let a kiss fool you. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

My uncle Chet is so full of self-confidence that he proclaims, "I can be
Chester bout anything I want to.". (Cynthia MacGregor)

A girl knitted her boyfriend a sweater, remarking that it would put
mohair on his chest. (Lars Hanson)

Many a girl is looking for an older man - with a strong will - made out
of her. (PunAmer News)

Success is a relative term It brings so many relatives . (Abhay)

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. (Donna Eaker)

Doctors operated on the wrong side of a man's brain. The patient says he
has half a mind to sue. (Bill Rayborn)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. (Oscar Wilde)

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with
yellow cup-shaped flowers will give you Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.
(William Brabant)

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls
him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked." "'Bout what?" the
redneck replies. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of
those places! (Rodney Dangerfield)

It is rumored that Hillary Clinton is about to release a
no-holds-barred, tell-all expose' of her years as the wife of the
nations foremost womanizer. To please the Democratic National Committee
she has agreed not to use her name but will assume the pen-name "Sharon
Peters." (Mega Joke)

Jenna and Barbara: A Canadian radio station reportedly invited them to
party up where the legal drinking age is only 18. "But Dad will never
let us go overseas by ourselves!" (Entertainment Weekly)

Hooker: Man in charge of removing bad actors from the stage. (Tim Bruening)

Foreclose: If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
(Michael Rogers)

Klemperer: Man or woman who hands the instrument to the surgeon when he
yells, "Klemp!" (J. A. Mc.)

When the police investigated a ghastly murder scene they found the
walls covered with bizarre graffiti full of weird symbols. What sort of
suspect did the FBI profiler say they were looking for? A surreal killer
(Ken Pinkham)

Nylons give women a run for their money (Pun of the Day)

For relaxation, the car driver liked to go for a spin. (Jumble)

Holly always wore strapless dresses in autumnal colors so everyone could
watch the tree sleeves fall. (Gary Hallock)

To be fully appreciated, this story must be read in the nude so, please,
bare with me. (Michael McGarel)

Bird walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry,
I can't serve you. You're a Mynah." (Keith Martin)

The railroad agent told the Navajo, "The coming of the Iron Horse will
bring great prosperity to the Redman,” but the Indians had reservations.
(Jon Williams)

Who would have thought that he would woo her, he a Christian and she a
devout Muslim, all summer long without avail. (Bill Mott-Smith)

One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a
sole-mate. (The Pun Page)

In China, where boats are often used by the postal service, you get a
lot of junk mail. (Mary Lee)

Forefathers as fish
They came ashore in Finland
Walking in a roe
(Guy BenMoshe)

Starlets are really would nymphs. (The Pundit)

Bottom: Paid money for them. (Keith Nance)

Pallor: A friend of. Q: What did one dead man say to another? A: "Hey,
you look like an old pallor mine." (Scot Nelson)

So she forced him to sleep in the bath tub and generally live in the
lavatory from that moment on, making him an involuntary loo tenant... (Cybyl)

My wife claims I'm a basball fanatic. She says all I ever think of is
baseball. I told her she's way off base. (Syman Hirsch)

If you drop your picnic lunch from an airplane while it's attached to a
device with a ripcord, is it chuting a basket? (Bill Keane)

Hairdresser's: A place where some women curl up and dye. Jerlyn F.)

There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him
for palomino-money. (Aiken Drum).

Car salesmen are always trying to sell for the lease amount. (Pun of
the Day)

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The
judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should
not put up such misleading notices", said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR
PARKING HERE." (Dogbyte)

Girls tend to give painters the brush off. (R. Forsch)

A little old Jewish lady is walking down the street when she is accosted
by a flasher. The flasher opens his raincoat, the lady stares at him for
a few seconds and says "you call that a lining?" (Archives)

Acidity: A metropolis. “New York is acidity that never sleeps.” (Jennie Seque)

Southern girls are quick on the drawl. (Bree's Balderdash)

What do get when you cross a rabbit with a spider? A hare net! (Daily Groaner)

At the beach she tried to use a woolen scarf as an improvised thong but
she got her ascot. (Gary Hallock)

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. (Tim Davis)

Show me a man who's afraid of Christmas and I'll show you a Noel Coward.
(Dave Coble)

A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new
theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?"
(Gill Krebs)

Aftermath: Tuesday is the worst day at school because aftermath we have
science. (Geoff Tibballs)

While the nine member Technical Evaluation Review Panel examined her
presentation over lunch, Jenni became so nervous she dropped her fork.
One of the panelists caught it. That got a headline: "One T.E.R.P in
nine Saves Tine!" (R. Forsch)

A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves. The mama skunk said to
her babies, "Let us spray." (Daily Detour)

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
players. (Terry Galan)

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one
to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist
at the end. (Daily Chuckle)

Yes, it's a ruff life
Itch day you just want to flea
You're starting from scratch
(Gary Hallock)

Drag: Male Fraud (M. Rose Pierce)

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I
know why you named your company Microsoft!" (Archives)

My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a
document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some
mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the
exercise bike... (Jonathan Katz)

Children and watches must not be constantly wound up. You must let them
run, too. (Jean Paul)

Incongruous: Where most of the hot air in the U. S. Is produced (Roy Hand)

“I had to get off as I was on the wrong flight,” Tom explained (Stan Kegel)

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. (Tim Davis)

Is a misspelling on a tombstone a grave mistake? (Bill Keane)

When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach. (Apairist)

Podiatrists tend to be corny. (Anthony Cacchillo)

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of
him. (Helen Bolton)

Cross an armadillo with a hammerhead shark and keep your fridge smelling
fresh. It's an Arm & Hammerhead shark. . (William Brabant)

Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice. (Bree Schultz)

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell the word "straight," Little
Johnny did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
Johnny answered, "Without a mixer." (Daily Detour)

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia. (Donna Eaker)

Braggart: someone who always puts his feats in his mouth (Michael
Driscoll)

What does The Boston Red Sox and George W. Bush have in common? They
both have trouble handling the twins (Goatboy)

“In college I majored in psychology and minored in psych-ceramics.”
“Psycho-ceramics? What's that?” “The study of cracked pots!” (Hirsch & McNair)

I went to a psychiatrist and asked him if he could give me a split
personality. The doctor asked me why. I told him, "I'm lonely." (Becky Shiles)

Movie of the Month: Charleton Heston dons pink tights and comes out of
the closet as a transvestite to star in the remake of the gripping tale
"Ben Her." (Gill Krebs)

The price of food is going out of sight. My supermarket is turning into
a temple. I see people walking up and down the aisles shouting, 'Oh, my
God! (Marty Barris)

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning. (Political Jokes)

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families
paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven
million of these were antiques; the rest were college students. Bree Schultz).

Did you hear the report that the leading manufacturer of imported
vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric? (Hershy)