"Puns of the Weak" 12/08/00
Stan Kegel
"Puns of the Weak" for the week ending 12/08/00
My local theater group was in trouble when the lead actor, Christopher,
couldn’t make the premiere performance of “The Hound of the
Baskervilles”. So as his understudy, I told the young lady director,
“I’ll be Holmes for Chris, miss.” (Robert Hampson)
A classic novel tells of the employer of a hardworking young woman. Name
it. For Whom the Belle Toils (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it
soots him . (Goatboy)
Predestination was doomed from the start. (Very Punny)
My son drew a picture of baby Jesus sleeping on a scale. He told me he
was a weigh in the manger. (P. C. Swanson)
A wall crawling spider out late
Turned left when she should have gone straight
She then climbed inverted
And I was alerted
I smashed her, thus ceiling her fate
(Gary Hallock)
"I donated some new furniture to the Salvation Army," Tom said
chairtabley. (John Warren Hines and Pam Shorey)
“He’s making a list of chicken and rice,” (Richard Lederer)
I received a card from my personal trainer. It said, “Merry Fitness and
a Happy New Rear.” (Stan Kegel)
Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers Make out your Chopin Liszt early
before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good
bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel
large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't
want. (By Marsha Coleman)
What Christmas song lyrics do transvestites sing while getting ready for
a holiday party? “Don we now our gay apparel” (Ken Pinkham)
Politician: A man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
(Douglas Aiken)
As shepherds like to say, “Fleece on earth, good wool to men.” (Richard Lederer)
Frank's knee finally gave out. He is about to give in to knee
replacement surgery. His doctor told him his knee was on it's last legs.
(The International Save the Pun Foundation)
Overtime pay for police officers is called copper nitrate (Richard Lederer)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Beckie Shiles)
Statue of Frostie in front of an optometrist’s office with the sign,
“Snowman’s in Eye Land.” (Don P. Fortier)
Indigent: A poor unemployed race car driver. (Ken Pinkham)
"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those
passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events," said Tom
with considerable fanfare. (Gill Krebs)
“Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.” (Richard Lederer)
A buck to a doe: “Let's have a little faun.” (Art. Moger)
Where did the track and field athlete keep his equipment? In a pole
vault. (J. C. Mc.)
Witching Yule America wrist Ms. (Gary Hallock)
When he handed her a note written on tissue paper, the teacher said it
was a flimsy excuse. (Arnold Pancratz)
Tennis: five plus five (Kirk Miller)
'
Why should boys eat a lot of shellfish? For mussel tone. (James D. Ertner)
Christmas is the time of year to love your fellow man or woman. Just
make sure you have permission. Some people are just not into the
holidays like that. (J. Bronsted)
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What denomination?” asked the clerk. She replied, “ Well, give me 50
Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.” (Kegel Archives)
Ramadan is fast approaching. (Priscilla H Ballou)
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't
serve your type here." (Lorraine Bellis)
My friend wanted me to go shopping with her and she reminded me we’d
made a friendship pact that if one needed help, the other would always
be there. She needed help choosing presents and tried to make me hew to
the contract, but I used the escape Claus. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Atoms are strongly attracted to the concept of the nuclear family. (Greg Evans)
Dermatologist: One who makes rash statements. (Lorraine Bellis)
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember
when the air was clean and sex was dirty. (George Burns)
"Do you like tongue twisters?" "That's difficult for me to say." (David Reihmer)
A nickel a grade is more expensive than a centigrade (Richard Lederer)
Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects. Whenever I mention sex, they
object. (Donna Eaker)
When it comes to helping someone, I stop at nothing. (Henny Youngman)
My wife is hooked on LSD: Lox, Salami and Danish! (Dave Barry)
If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a
Grandfather Claus? (Douglas Aiken)
"I'm going to kill Dracula," said Tom painstakingly. (Richard Lederer)
Sign at the Red Sea: “Caution! Subject to sudden flooding.” (Syman
Hirsch)
I do all my thinking over a glass of beer. Let's face it, two heads are
better than one. (Syman Hirsch)
“Deck the halls with Buddy Holly” (Richard Lederer)
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
(Teddy Pooh)
Beau steals cars, joyrides and then conceals them in the woods. His
activity varies, depending on his car Beau hide rate which is determined
by his car beau rater. (Keith Martin)
To visit an acupuncturist, just take pin money. (Louis Phillips)
My father, a retired Captain, USN, observed this morning that his
beloved cat has discovered that she likes to sleep snuggled on the
fleece sweatpants Dad wears in colder weather. I told him that she was
just expressing Christmas spirit, wishing him a Fleece Navy Dad. (Robert
E. Lewis)
I wonder what would happen if the great surrealist painter, Salvador
Dali, joined the Nation of Islam. Would he then be known as Mohammed
Dali? (Louis Strauss)
Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
(Samuel Goldwyn)
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent? (George Carlin)
A procrastinator has wait problems. (Shawn Kennedy)
The managers in charge of company layoffs were known as the 'firing
squad'. (Mike Bull)
They say the secret to a successful marriage is just don't go to bed
angry. So I stayed awake for two years. (Wendy Liebman)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure. (Spice is Nice)
A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide
pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional
chaplain.The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for
the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the
Congress, then prays for the country!" (Bob Phillips)
Fat chance I will join Weight Watchers (David Schneider)
"I just swallowed a fishing lure," said Tom with bated breath (Richard Lederer).
Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11. (Gr8 Humor)
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. (E4Fun)
Bipollar Disorder: Affliction of voters who can’t help voting for two
candidates. (Merl Reagle)
You don't have to worry about missing the show on the History Channel,
as history always repeats itself. (Norm Gilbert)
I’m a second story man. No one ever believes my first story. (Henny
Youngman)
To our friend the furniture mover: “Happy Haulidays” (Bob Thaves)
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? "Satisfaction
guaranteed or double your mummy back" (The Placebo Page)
The best way to stop a elephant from charging is to take away his credit
card. (Harvey Gordon)
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," said Tom rhetorically. (Richard
Lederer)
SINGLES AD - Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,
light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build a Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658. (The Oy
Vey!)
"I was born and raised in a log cabin," said Tom syruptitiously. (Don Kirkman)
Mutation: A native of Haiti who is unable to speak. (Brandy Brandon)
Mirage a Trois: Act of having sex with two imaginary people. (Jill's
Joke List)
What is the difference between Death and an automatic pool cleaner?
Death is the Grim Reaper while an automatic pool cleaner is a rim
sweeper. (By Lars Hanson)
Why does a royal leader usually wear a cape to formal functions rather
than a crown? Cloaks go better with Kings (By Stan Kegel)
“Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire,” (Richard Lederer)
Mistletoe is a plant that one must understand to appreciate. (Kegel Archives)
If Santa went surfing, would he look for a beach with a Yule tide.
(John Haywood)
An optometrist's office is a site for sore eyes. (Shawn Kennedy)
I only use Alta Vista or HotBot. I'm Lykos intolerant. (Dennis M. Dillow)
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't seem to control
her problematic pupils. (Shawn Kennedy)
"I've transferred my money back into my German savings account," Tom
remarked with interest. (Stan Kegel)
Almond joying myself' he said, eating nuts. (Pun of the Day)
We fish ewe a mare egrets moose panda hippo gnu deer. (Greg Evans)
A doctor who fell on his funny bone had a nurse tell him it was a
humerus incident (Pun of the Day)
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind. (Quickies)
What is the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles
playing tennis! (Daily Groaner)
Does Bush have A-gore-aphobia? (Davis Parsons)
A Catholic lost his faith once and became a hard-bitten atheist. His new
credo was, “There is no God and Mary is his mother.” (Isaac Asimov)
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe
hangin above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant he
asked, "Ok, I give up. Why is the mistletoe there above the luggage
scale?" "So you can kiss your luggage goodbye." (Gail Angel)
The psychiatrist said that she suffered from kleptomania. She asked,
"What can I take for that?" (The International Save the Pun
Foundation)
Suicide at sea is definitely going overboard. (Pun of the Day)
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, short enough to pertain interest
and long enough to cover the subject. (Very Punny)
Priscilla H Ballou
: Ramadan is fast approaching. (Priscilla H Ballou)
I made Puns of the Weak! I made Puns of the Weak!
Can you tell I'm easily thrilled?
Priscilla
--
I am in search of a counter-inauguration or other action/demonstration
in the Boston, MA, area in January. If you have info or can hook me
up with a resource or organization, please drop me an email. Thanks!