Beware The Ides of March (Puns)]
Stan Kegel
IDES OF MARCH
1 ` Two boy Hyde cousins, Marc an' Tony, are going to a Roman Toga party
with intent to woo the same girl.
One cousin puts on lavish jewelry to impress the girl - a diamond clasp
for his toga, and a ruby studded crown on his Roman pompadour.
The other cousin dresses plainly, intent to impress the girl with
personality and not with accessories.
Which cousin gets to date the girl the next day? Why of course, the . .
. Jewel-less sees her. (By Guy Ben Moshe)
2 It's a little known fact that Julius Caesar did NOT die from stab
wounds by Brutus ... but rather he was poisoned.
At the huge banquet on that fateful Ides of March, Brutus slipped some
poisonous hemlock leaves onto Julius's salad. (This was the world's
first Caesar's salad!)
When Julius slumped over into his salad, Brutus feigned concern and
asked: "My dear friend Julius, how many hemlock leaves have you eaten?"
To which Julius gasped in reply: . . . "Ate two, Brutus."
3 Once there was this cattle rancher who, after three years, finally
found a buyer for his oldest bull Caesar. This new owner happened to be
the rancher's closest neighbor, who lived on the other side of the
valley across the river.
"Men," the rancher said to his cow hands, "It's time to say our
good-byes to this bull, and take him across the river."
So the men roped Caesar, and walked him down to the river.
They were about to put him on the boat to take him across, when the
rancher's youngest nephew who helped to raise Caesar, said with a tear
in his eye, "Can we take him out for one last munch in his favorite meadow?"
The other hands said, "Sure," and led him just off the riverbank for a
snack. Well, with the day as nice as it was, all of the hands took a
quick nap.
Four hours later, the rancher saw that the bull was still on his
property and ran down into the valley. He shouted and cursed at the men
to wake them up.
Once everyone was standing, he said that the beast should have been
across the river long ago. . . . "In fact, we've come to ferry Caesar,
not to graze him!"
4 Twas the fourteenth of March and Brutus and the boys were discussing
their planned political statement for the following day.
Cassius the Anorexic wanted to use Greek fire, which had been recently
reinvented.
Brutus, however, favored the traditional Roman short-sword as the
weapon of choice. He stood and addressed his co-conspirators, ...
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, Lend me your ears. I come to parry
Caesar, not to braise him!"
5 There was a farmer who grew a monster strawberry and was certain that
it must be a world record. He called the county agricultural agent to
come out and see it and confirm if it was indeed the largest strawberry
ever seen.
That afternoon the farmer looked out his window just in time to see the
county agent stuffing the enormous strawberry into the trunk of his car.
He ran outside in a rage and demanded that the agent give a reason why
he was making off with his prized berry.
"Oh you don't understand," explained the county agent. "I came to seize
your berry, not to appraise it."
6 Two parents were discussing the relative merits of play-ground
equipment at Larch Park, so called because it contained a preponderance
of Larch trees.
Said one, "Everything seems to be pretty safe to play on, except for
those rusty old slides."
Remarked the second, "Yes, you must beware the slides of Larch!"
7. Not many people recall that the actor Fredric March was into
apiculture. He kept several hives of bees and produced honey for many of
his friends.
Fredric's friend, Sid Caesar went to visit him in his apiary one spring
day but was unable to locate the bee colonies. He did, however,
encounter one of the busy little insects gathering pollen on a nearby
flower so Caesar stopped and asked, "Bee, where're the hives of March?"
(By Gary Hallock)
8. I remember the carnival used to come to town in the middle of March
when I was a child. The side-show had two-headed babies in formaldehyde
in jars and an 800 year old body ("...he is over eight - pause - HUNdred
years old and the flesh is still on the body...").
They also had the ubiquitous carnival midway, punnishly labled "The
Rides of March". (By Clynch Varnadore)
9. Until Julius, ladies wanted to be married in March, that was
considered a lucky month and allowed them to have their first children
in the dead of winter, near the solstice, a time when they wouldn't be
leaving their houses anyway.
After Ceasar, however, June became the best month because nobody wanted
to be one of the "Brides of March". (By Clynch Varnadore)
10. John, a security guard at an industrial plant, was at work the
other night, when he heard that the janitor, an old man named Beezer,
had fallen and hurt his back.
So John called the First Aid crew, got a stretcher, and went to carry
Beezer out.
Well, the two medics were big jokers and started spinning beezer around
in circles. John looked back and said "Stop that! We come to carry
Beezer, not to daze him."
11 "Be on the lookout, my friends, for the enemy which shows up every
War God Month.
She is known by the mortal name, Marjorie Swayed. She is roaming around
selling inferior sheepskins, substandard calf skins and pony skins, so
ill-produced that they cannot be cured. ...
Beware the hides of Marge, seize her." (By Leo Munro)
Jonathan and Leonora Samuel
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