More of the Oneliner file

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Brad Templeton

unread,
Mar 16, 1990, 3:25:07 AM3/16/90
to
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.

Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.

=========================================================================

From: Phil Ronzone <watmath!apple.com!phil>
Subject: What's the difference between Ada and AIDS?

Q: what is the difference between Ada and AIDS?

A: Someday we'll find a cure for AIDS ...

------------------------------------
From: watmath!gatech!pravda.gatech.edu!robinson (Stephen M. Robinson)
Subject: Quayle for Transportation Secretary?

>From Dennis Miller's "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live 2/25 (paraphrase):

"V.P. Dan Quayle thinks that Roe vs. Wade is an argument over alternative
ways to cross the Potomac River."

------------------------------------
Subject: trains and fathers

[Heard on the radio station WPLJ]

Q. Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?

A. They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always
playing with them.

Tony Hansen
att!pegasus!hansen, attmail!tony

------------------------------------
From: watmath!rutgers!njitx.njit.edu!ska9451
Subject: Good old God !
Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology


God sends down the roaring winds,
To lift the girls' skirts high,
But God is just and sends down dust,
To blind the bad man's eye !

-Santosh

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!tektronix!packrat.WV.TEK.COM!paulh (Paul Hoefling)
Subject: Quote for the day

>From Ayatollah Khomeini:

"Salman Rushdie: Better Dead than Read"

------------------------------------
From: Barry Fausnaugh <watmath!uunet!vax1.acs.udel.edu!barry>
Organization: University of Delaware


What did the male centipede say to the female centipede?

For the hundreth time, spread your legs!

------------------------------------
Subject: Yuppies defined


According to comedian Michael Pritchard, "YUPPIES" stands for:

Yes
Under
Peer
Pressure
I'll
Eat
Sushi


Andreas Meyer N2FYE
AT&T National Systems Support Center
------------------------------------
From: watmath!ttidca.TTI.COM!paulb (Paul Blumstein)
Subject: Shorties

She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
He: Your sense of humor.

----

Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.

----

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.

----

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help.

----

Q: What is the high point of a bulimic's party?
A: When the cake jumps out of the girl.

------------------------------------
From: Neil Youngman <watmath!uunet!mcvax!cs.exeter.ac.uk!nyo>
Subject: hypotheses and theories

>>From: fp...@hubcap.clemson.edu (Steve Stevenson-Moderator)
>
>From Marilyn vos Savant's column in Sunday's Parade mag: (Paraphrased)
>
>Q: What is the difference between hypothetical and theoretical
>
>A: Think of hypotheses as a deck of cards. A theory is a house made
>of hypotheses.
>
------------------------------------
From: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!krs (Mister Doctor [Kris Stephens])
Subject: The times are a-changin'

I maintain a fortune-cookies file on one of our systems. Larry
Hardiman, one of my "customers", suggested I add these two (the
first is fairly well-known, but the second was new to me):

A camel is a horse designed by committee.

A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.

...Kris

------------------------------------
From: David Lee <watmath!nexus.yorku.ca!s442154>
Subject: Steroids, Ben Johnson

I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete.

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!rosevax.Rosemount.COM!paulw (Paul Wikstrom)

What is the most heavily armored vehicle in the world?

An Iranian Bookmobile!

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!tc.fluke.COM!moriarty (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Truth in Acronyms
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA

Heard in comedian Chris Squire's routine last night:

YUPPIES: Yes, Under Peer Pressure I'll Eat Shit

------------------------------------
From: Andy Andrews <watmath!allegra!pitt!cisunx!noise>
Subject: Barry Manilow (and other assorted yawns)

{from the Aspen Comedy Festival, broadcast on Showtime, from the mouth of
a comedian whose name I cannot remember:}


Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to?


------------------------------------
Subject: Shaken Centipede
From: Karl Swartz <watmath!gatech!unmvax!hc.dspo.gov!rt1!ditka!kls>

{not too sure about the subject but it's the best I could come
up with}

(My brother told me this one; I'm afraid to ask where he gets
his material from.)

Q: What is three feet tall and has two thousand arms and legs?
A: An Armenian hotel.

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!cme.nbs.gov!clark (Steve Clark)
Subject: heard this one from a friend


Did you hear about the new parents' activist group?

It's called DAM.

Which stands for Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Steve Clark
National Institute for Standards and Technology (formerly NBS)
------------------------------------
From: BOUTELL <watmath!uunet!vax1.acs.udel.edu!tboutell>
Subject: Uncertainty Principle

Mountaintop Guru:

"Life is like... life.

... But not exactly."

------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.

Brad Templeton

unread,
Mar 17, 1990, 3:25:06 AM3/17/90
to
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.

Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.

=========================================================================

From: Ed Ahrenhoerster <e...@csd4.csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill put on his dick.
The tattoo artist told him this would be incredibly painful, and asked why
on earth would he want this tattoo? To which the man responded:
"You wouldn't believe how fast my wife can blow $100".

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: meek

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: count

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: irregular verbs

I construct algorithms | you program | he/she uses FORTRAN
I consult | you freelance | he/she moonlights
I refine | you debug | he/she patches | they kludge
I assemble | you compile | he/she/it interprets
I market | you sell | he/she peddles
I interact | you timeshare | he/she hogs
I extrapolate | you conjecture | he/she guesses

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Append Mode

And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Emergency


... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you
would not have been informed.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: Pardo's First Postulate:

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: missing mass

Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: change

The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: tachyon

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.

------------------------------------
From: Z...@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson)
Subject: execute

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

------------------------------------
From: smi...@eronmc.ed.ray.com
Subject: Billy Martin's new job

I heard this on a Boston radio station while driving home recently:

Did you hear that Billy Martin's got a new job? He's managing the angels.

{ed Topical to his death, of course.}

------------------------------------
From: leafusa!pynchon!k...@uunet.uu.net (Keith Corbett)
Subject: JOKE: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP?


Q: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP?

A: a bitch who thinks she knows everything.

------------------------------------
From: Graham Wilson <g...@sickkids.toronto.edu>
Subject: You do not want to hear this...

Told to me by my father (I don't know where he got it from):

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

------------------------------------
From: Chris Best <c...@hpctdlb.hp.com>

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street.

(Told to me by my mom.)

------------------------------------
Subject: Another one liner for your collection
From: ric...@gryphon.com (Richard Sexton)


The difference between philosophy: if you have an argument over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.

------------------------------------
From: "Michael J. Gronsky, Dept. of Management" <MGT...@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu>
Subject: T-shirt saying I saw

I saw this on a T-shirt on my recent trip to Cancun, Mexico:

HE'S DEAD JIM
QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER!
I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET!

------------------------------------
From: 894...@jhevax.mcmaster.ca

"My wife just got pregnant ... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!"

------------------------------------
From: David Ash <da...@neon.stanford.edu>
Subject: another income tax one-liner

Those who think it's tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.

------------------------------------
From: sik...@uxh.cso.uiuc.edu (Riyaz Sikora)


Overheard in a Hollywood bar,

Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".

Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".

------------------------------------
From: "Jonathan R. Partington" <JR...@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk>
Subject: Old immigration joke

Little old lady at US immigration.

OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?

{Pause for thought}

LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.

(Trad.)

------------------------------------
From: gr...@math.berkeley.edu (Greg)
Subject: An old SNL commercial

AAAAA

The Only Automobile Association for Alcoholics

------------------------------------
From: watmath!research!ark
Subject: New Hampshire Proverb

When you heat with wood, you get warm twice --

the first time when you chop it,
and then again when you stack it.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."

Brad Templeton

unread,
Mar 18, 1990, 3:25:08 AM3/18/90
to
Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite
worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner"
file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part.

Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on
sex and other grounds.

=========================================================================

From: watmath!rutgers!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!hin (Ian Novack)
Subject: Message from the System Manager

I saw this in hanging in our system manager's office:

/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.

------------------------------------
From: Matt Landau <watmath!mailrus!diamond.bbn.com!mlandau>
Subject: Offensive to Nuns


[Best told vocally, but not bad in writing either...]

What's black and white and black and tan and black and light brown
and black and brown and black and dark brown and black and black?

A nun on a spit.

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!mcvax!nada.kth.se!d85-kai (Kai-Mikael J{{-Aro)
Subject: "Democratic election", say American observers.

Ewa Thibaud on Salvadoran election:
"Ariani claims participation to have been 62%. This sound a bit high,
even if some voted twice."

------------------------------------
From: watmath!mailrus!ames!claris!portal!cup.portal.com!Mec
Subject: But officer ...

"But officer, I was doing the speed limit! In hexadecimal!"

Originally written by me, Michael Chastain

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!munnari!melba.oz.au!pcm (Paul C. McLeish)
Subject: handyman hints
Organization: Burdett, Buckeridge and Young Ltd.

How many programmers does it take to wall-paper a room?

Twelve, but you have to slice them thinly.


------------------------------------
From: watmath!rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!murphy (William J. Murphy)

Last night while discussing photography we came up with a new elementary
particle....

PHOTOFLASH TACHYONS: The elementary particle responsible for
synchronising a subject's blink with the flash of the camera.


------------------------------------
Subject: Pessimist's saying
From: watmath!mailrus!sharkey!aucis!bnick (Bill Nickless)

If at first you don't succeed,
you've failed, failed again!
--
Bill Nickless
Andrews University Computer Science Department Unix Support Group

------------------------------------
From: Jeff Martens <watmath!rutgers!cis.ohio-state.edu!martens>
Subject: Aggie humor


I saw this one on a bumper sticker a couple days ago:

Honk if I'm an Aggie

------------------------------------
From: James Cowie <watmath!mailrus!ames!harvard!yale!cowie-james>


original joke:

"There are two kinds of people in the world:
Those who can only see half of the picture."

:)

------------------------------------
From: watmath!uunet!convex!dodson (Dave Dodson)
Subject: Why did the chicken ...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas

------------------------------------
From: watmath!gatech!ULKYVM.BITNET!BLSWET01
Organization: University of Louisville
Subject: BITNET mail follows


Lovers celebrate Valentines day. What day do lonely men celebrate? Palm Sunday!

------------------------------------
From: Mogens Jallberg <watmath!uunet!mcvax!diku!jall>
Subject: democracy vs. feudalism


In democracy its your vote that counts

In feudalism its your count that votes

------------------------------------
From: cs.utexas.edu!wsl.dec.com!erik (Erik Fortune)
Subject: possibly offensive to women


(overheard in a coffee bar, man speaking)
"Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib."

------------------------------------
From: Steve Fullerton <watmath!rutgers!orstcs.cs.orst.edu!statware!scf>
Subject: sexual

I heard this on the radio on the way to work this morning, Portland, OR
station Q105.

Q: What are the 3 words you don't want to hear while making love?

A: Honey, I'm home.
--
Steve Fullerton Statware, Inc.

------------------------------------
From: Andrew Solovay <watmath!rutgers!cs.yale.edu!solovay-andrew>
Subject: Unitarians

Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?

They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns.

------------------------------------
From: Eric Percival <watmath!hpqtdla.hp.com!eric>
Subject: Smelliest thing in the world

Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world ?
A: A Kipper's pussy

------------------------------------
From: watmath!vicom.com!steve (Steve Maurer)
Subject: Crude (but funny) EE humor

Q: What's the chief difference between Kotex and Tampax?

A: One is surface-mount, the other is through-hole.

------------------------------------
From: uunet!sjs.ATE.SLB.COM!jones
Subject: Potty patrol

Paul Harvey reported June 13, 1989:

Someone broke into the Wilmington, Delaware police department and stole all of
the plumbing fixtures.

The police say that they currently have nothing to go on.
--
Clark Jones Schlumberger Technologies, Tempe, AZ

------------------------------------
From: watmath!eniac.seas.upenn.edu!sal (Cyberpunk in Training)
Subject: Radical Riddle.

Q: What speeds all the time, yet never makes it past 55?

A: Abbie Hoffman
(original - obviously!)
--
Marcos Salganicoff
U. of P Computer and Inf. Sci.


------------------------------------
From: Pavel Rozalski <watmath!dgp.toronto.edu!pavel>
Subject: GNU joke

With the recent political discussions raging regarding the GNU people and
the policies of the Free Software Foundation, I was inspired.

New tee-shirt design:
Front:
GNUers
do it for
free!

Back:
And they don't
give a damn about
look & feel.

------------------------------------


--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.

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