Bar Jokes

[Anton Shepelev]

I compiled the following collection from the eponymous discussian
at alt.usage.english:

All the jokes are presented in chronological order except for
comments and tightly related contributions, which have been kept
beside the corresponding entries.

Corrections and suggestions are welcome.

(1) [Eric K. Auld] A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a
drink and then leaves.

(2) [Eric K. Auld] A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After
finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

(3) [Eric K. Auld] A question mark walks into a bar?

(4) [Eric K. Auld] Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

(5) [Eric K. Auld] A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar,
planning to drink.

(6) [Eric K. Auld] The bar was walked into by the passive
voice.

(7) [Eric K. Auld] Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.
They sit. They drink. They leave.

(8) [James Hogg] A metathesis walks into a bra

(-) [franzi] (Then it must have been in its cups)

(9) [Alan Curry] A greengrocer walk's into a bar.

(10) [MC] A spoonerism balks into a war.

(-) [Joe Fineman] After starring in the band for a while, he
droops himself into a stinker.

(11) [Iain Archer] An en dashes into a barn.

(-) [Peter Brooks] That's nice, but it looks as if it's
dashing out, rather than into it. An en would dash into a
nbar, but we'd not know where it was.

(12) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A colon walks into a bar and
evacuates.

(13) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] An exclamation point walks into a
bar!

(14) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] An umlaut walks into a bär.

(15) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A hyphen walks in-to a bar.

(16) [R H Draney] Into a bar walks a chiasmus, and a chiasmus
walks into a bar.

(17) [MC] An alliteration ambles into an alehouse.

(18) [MC] A paraprosdokian walks into a bar. Of soap.

(19) [MC] A prozeugma walks into a bar, a fight, a fist, a wall
and a hospital.

(20) [MC] A snowclone walks into the mother of all bars.

(21) [Mark Brader] A pair of parentheses walk (into a bar).

(22) [Mark Brader] A Chinese ballet pun woks into a barre.

(23) [Mark Brader] A lawyer walks into the bar and sues.

(24) [Mark Brader] A syllepsis walks into a bar and a brick
wall.

(25) [Isabelle Cecchini] A hypallage walks into a topless bar.

(26) [James Hogg] A line of Shakespeare's walk'd into an inn

(-) [James Hogg] And the surly innkeeper said:

A foutre for thee, whoreson that thou art,
And for the jade on which thou didst ride in.

(27) [Sproz] omg a TnAjrrr wks n2 a bar

(28) [Anton Shepelev] The double negative didn't walk into no
bar.

(29) [CT] The reflexive pronoun walked into the bar itself.

(30) [Iain Archer] The missing vinculum was last seen walking
into a bar.

(31) [Anton Shepelev] A reclusive verb walked into the bar and
barred the door.

(32) [Jerry Friedman] An anacoluthon walks into a bar, is how
this joke starts.

(33) [Jerry Friedman] An aposiopesis walks into a...

(34) [Jerry Friedman] I'm not even going to tell you how a
paraleipsis walks into a bar.

(35) [Jerry Friedman] A surrealist walks into a bar papered
with snowflakes and lightly browned in snake oil.

(36) [Jerry Friedman] A man de habla Spanglish camina into a
cantina.

(37) [Jerry Friedman] Un chevreau dans un Francais classe
marche dans a une barre.

(38) [Jerry Friedman] Miss Thistlebottom walks into a bar and
asks whomever works there quickly to serve her a mug of
beer.

(39) [Jerry Friedman] An eggcorn walks enter a bar.

(40) [Jerry Friedman] A non-rhotic man walks into a bah.

(41) [Jerry Friedman] Davy Crockett walks into a b'ar.

(42) [J.J. Lodder] Dirac walks into h bar.

(43) [CT] A double-entendre walks into a bar and asks for a
beer. So the barman gives him one.

(44) [James Hogg] Sometimes the man walks into the bar, and
sometimes the bar walks into the man, Dude.

(45) [MC] A dangling participle walks into a bar, bartender
says, "Why the long face?"

(46) [James Hogg] Walking into a bar, the man behind the bar
was surprised to see a dangling participle.

(47) [musika] A non sequitur sees a group going into a bar but
doesn't go in.

(48) [MC] An ellipsis...bar.

(49) [musika] A superlative goes into a bar none.

(50) [MC] A left-handed bastard walks into a bar sinister.

(51) [Robin Bignall] Standing at the door of a bar, a full stop
does nothing, even after a period.

(52) [David Hatunen] A termite walks into a bar and loudly
asks, "Where's the bartender?"

(53) [Anton Shepelev] A paradox walked into a bar but didn't
drink.

(54) [Anton Shepelev] An antonym walked out of the bar and
headed for the theatre.

(55) [MC] An anastrophe bar a into walks.

(56) [MC] An epanalepsis walks into a bar, does an epanalepsis.

(57) [MC] Essex man walks into a bar innit.

(58) [Jerry Friedman] A poet walks into a bar.

A metaphor, friends, is a star.
It always sounds neater
In anapest meter,
And the rhyme shouldn't mar it or jar.

(59) [David Kaye] An assibilation walkssss into a bar.

(60) [David Kaye] A symantic walks into a bar, wondering what
it means.

(61) [James Hogg] A scholar of Proto-Germanic roots *welk- into
a bar.

(62) [James Hogg] 0.98697 standard atmosphere walks into a bar.

(63) [Mike Lyle] ? would heron stone walk into a bar

(64) [musika] .only if it was irony

(65) [Peter Duncanson] An official government barometer walks
into a bar, makes a measurement and asks to see the
manager. Manager arrives. Government barometer says "Your
bar is set too high".

(66) [MC] Celine Dion walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why
the long face?"

(67) [Jerry Friedman] Another poet walks into a bar and says,
"May there be no moaning."

(68) [Jerry Friedman] It's a cleft sentence that walks into a
bar.

(69) [R H Draney] Mrs Malaprop tergiversates into a bar.

(70) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A dyslexic walks into a rab.

(71) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A phonetician walks into a [ba:r].

(72) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A ROT13 user walks into a one.

(73) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A stutterer walks into a b-b-b-ba-
ba-ba-bar.

(74) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A telegrapher walks into a
-··· ·- ·-· .

(75) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A German walks into an
Alkoholausschankabendlokal.

(76) [James Hogg] Roget walks into a canteen, restaurant,
rôtisserie, cafeteria, grill-room, buffet, café, estaminet,
posada, bodega, bar, saloon, speakeasy, shebeen.

(77) [J.J. Lodder] Et, and all his al., overran a bar.

(78) [R H Draney] Rod Speed claims to walk into a bar. Good
luck trying to establish that.

(79) [Athel Cornish-Bowden] A Greek walks into a mpar.

(-) [Reinhold {Rey} Aman] Great minds run in small circles!
I had this one also on my list but forgot to post it.
mpummer! ntamn!

(80) [Athel Cornish-Bowden] An Afghan doesn't walk into a bar.

(81) [James Hogg] A ram-raider drives into a bar.

(82) [Leslie Danks] Able was I ere I walked into el bar.

(83) [musika] A sheep walks into a ba-ba bar.

(84) [musika] A Beachboy walks into a ba-ba-bar ba-ba-ba-ran.

(85) [musika] A Beachboy ran into a ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba.

(86) [Percival P. Cassidy] A Welshman walks into a bar, isn't
it?

(87) [Peter Duncanson] The Beach Boys walk into a bar and start
singing. They are ejected and barred for life after the
first verse of their song:

A Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann
Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann
(Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann)
Oh Barbara Ann take my hand
(Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann)
Barbara Ann
(Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann)
You got me rockin' and a rollin'
Rockin' and a reelin' Barbara Ann
Bar bar bar bar Barbar Ann

(88) [Mike Lyle] If a protasis walked into a bar, an apodosis
would follow it.

(89) [John Dunlop] A bar is what the pseudo-cleft walked into.

(90) [John Dunlop] One does not simply walk into a bar.

(91) [John Dunlop] A musician segues into a bar.

(92) [MC] A Canadian walks into a bar, eh?

(93) [Anton Shepelev] An indirect complement walks into the
bar.

(94) [Anton Shepelev] A transitive verb walks the bar.

(95) [Anton Shepelev] An exclamation mark walks into the bar
but gets so drunk it melts into a question mark. (idea not
mine)

(96) [Anton Shepelev] An old-fashioned programmer GOes TO the
bar.

(97) [Anton Shepelev] An assembly programmer unconditionally
JMPs into the bar.

(98) [CT] A 13 year-old Jewish boy walks into a bar mitzvah.

(99) [John Dunlop] A periphrasis will walk into a bar.

(100)[John Dunlop] They walk into a bar, the right dislocation
and the cataphora.

(101)[John Dunlop] The left dislocation and the anaphora, they
walk into a bar too.

(102)[John Dunlop] A Scotsman walks into a bar, so he does.

(103)[John Dunlop] A Scotsman walks out of a bar.

(-) [Mike Lyle] Gosh! You're right: it _is_ almost panto
season.

(104)[Sproz] A programmer walks into foo bar.

(105)[MC] A lawyer is thrown out of... Er, is disbarred.

(106)[bob] Sometime after a lawyer is called to the bar.

(107)[Robin Bignall] A minuscule walked into a bar and nobody
noticed.

(108)[R H Draney] An OOP developer defines a Bar class with a
WalksInto method and everything else just sort of happens
by itself.

(109)[Sproz]
foo = new bar();
foo.walksInto(new oopProgrammer);

(110)[R H Draney] (after Laura proposed to preserve this thread
for posterity) Laura Spira walked right into a bar and
drove the shadows away.

(111)[Laura Spira] For factual accuracy, your entry should
read: Laura Spira walked into a bar and asked for anything
with a Glen in it.

(-) [Duggy] Best thread bar none.

(112)[Isabelle Cecchini] A Cockney walks into a Jack.

(113)[Isabelle Cecchini] The Cockney walks into a Jack because
it's 'appy Hhhour.

(114)[Alan Mackenzie] An eszet walks into a ssar.

(115)[occam] A split infinitive decides to boldly walk into a
bar.

(116)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A dyslexic rabbi walks into a bar
and yells "Yo!"

(117)[Robin Bignall] A dirty old man sidles up to a bra and
claims dyslexia.

(118)[Percival P. Cassidy] An anacoluthon walks into -- I saw
him enter the bar.

(119)[Percival P. Cassidy] A paradiplosis walks into a bar,
walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink.

(120)[R H Draney] An anagram talks a rainbow.

(121)[MC] Another anagram awaits lob rank, bows a rank tail,
irks a law baton, knits a bawl oar, knobs a rat wail, riots
a lab wank, rows anal batik, wanks labia rot and wants
koala rib.

(122)[David D S] Equivocation walks into a bar. Ouch!

(123)[Robin Bignall] A paraprosdokian walks into a bar, trips,
and gets beamed up by Scotty.

(124)[Frank S] My friend the shape-shifter was walking down the
street when he turned into a bar.

(125)[Jerry Friedman] "Bar walks into man" is news.

(126)[Mark Brader] Two crotchets walk into a bar. They start
waltzing, but then they need to rest.

(127)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] (about the compiler of this
collection) Anton walked into a mess of bar jokes and
organized them.

(128)[MC] Davy Crockett walked into a bar and kilt 'im when he
was only three.

(129)[Evan Kirshenbaum] (idea by LalitaZ) Into a bar Yoda
walks.

(130)[Percival P. Cassidy] A Hindi speaker walks a a bar into.

(-) [Percival P. Cassidy] Oops! the duplicated "a" is a
mistake.

(131)[Evan Kirshenbaum] A psych experiment walks into a a bar.

(132)[Christian Weisgerber] Walks a German into a bar.

(133)[Christian Weisgerber] Kommt ein Deutscher in eine Bar.

(134)[Evan Kirshenbaum] (walks-into s-expression bar)

(135)[Evan Kirshenbaum] stack-machine bar walks-into

(136)[glasshouse510] A reverse Pole a bar walks into.

(137)[Dr Peter Young] Is that Forth for: Bar a into walks
man a?

(138)[Evan Kirshenbaum] No, in Forth it would be: man a bar a
into walks

(139)[Mark Brader] (Inspired by a suggestion from Steve Summit)
walk foo > bar

(140)[Nancy Friedman] A clumsy ballerina walks into a barre.

(141)[Tom] A subject and a verb disagrees about which bar to
walk into.

(142)[Tom] An Oxford comma hops, skips, and jumps into a bar.

(143)[Tom] A pleonasm enters into a bar.

(144)[Tom] The subjunctive would walk into a bar, were it in
the mood.

(145)[Tom] A hyphen, drunk after leaving the bar, mistakenly
walks-into a phrasal verb.

(146)[Tom] A colon and a semicolon walk into a bar: the colon
has a gutful; the semicolon orders a half.

(147)[Tom] A syllepsis walks out on its wife and into a bar.

(148)[Tom] A gang of commas walk into a bar and order
everything on the menu.

(149)[Tom] A prescriptivist walks into a tavern, because of
course 'bar' means the counter at which drink is served
rather than the establishment itself. He wonders why
nobody else is there.

(150)[Tom] A meaning walks into a bar and orders a double.

(151)[Tom] A portmanteau walks into a barmaid.

(152)[Duchesse] An ampersand walks into a Bar & Grill.

(153)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] · · ·
A blind person walks into a · ·· .
·

(154)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] .rab a otni sklaw weJ A

(155)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] As edited by Peter Young:

r. s e
a k s
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(156)[Reinhold {Rey} Aman] A Russian walks into a 6ap.

(157)[Anton Shepelev] A Ukrainian walks into a shinok.

(158)[Sproz] A palindrome walks into a bar wearing a dull hat.
The barman says "a man, a plan, a bar - a banal panama".

--
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This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/14/Jan/bar.html