Material from the one-liner file

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unread,
Sep 17, 1992, 3:25:06 AM9/17/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: r...@sequent.com (Bob Beck)
Subject: Joke Submission

I hope you find this useful - I found it hilarious when my friend related
the story ...

A friend was trying to describe some of the "facts of life" to his 15 year
old son...

"It's a fact of life... Males are born with 2 heads, but only enough
blood to operate one at a time!"

= = = = = = =

Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix
From: savarese%genesi...@gte.com (Dave Savarese)
Subject: joke


Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
= = = = = = =

From: sc...@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Simon Lewis)
Subject: Prostitution at Disney


Heard on the BBC's "Have I got News for You" programme...

It seems prostitutes have already moved into the hotels at the new
EuroDisney resort outside Paris. Apparently the cost is $50 to do
it Goofy style, or $100 for a straight Donald Duck.


= = = = = = =

From: Two things never trust: Politicians and angle trisectors.
Subject: Atheist's Manifesto


[Original, but from a friend who doesn't want to be identified :]

Atheist's Manifesto:

"Kill 'em all, and let nobody sort 'em out."

= = = = = = =

From: bar...@hal.com (David Barach)
Subject: workstations are like toothbrushes

"Workstations are like toothbrushes. Nobody else may use mine,
especially not while I'm using it!"

- Robbert Van Renesse, during his talk at the Usenix
Microkernel Workshop.
= = = = = = =

From: mda...@engr.Trinity.EDU (M. Davis)
Subject: Cooks' names


This was told to me by a friend:
His mother was apparently watching an old western movie with a friend,
and this friend asked if cooks in the old west were all called "Cookie".
My friends mother replied, "No, not all of them. Some were called Bernie."

-Matt Davis

= = = = = = =

From: N.R....@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis)

q: What's the difference between hardware and software ?
a: You can kick the hardware.....

= = = = = = =

From: au...@starman.convex.com (John David Auwen)
Subject: joke submission (heard it)

Q. Why should you always take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing?

A. Because if you only take 1, he'll drink all your beer!

= = = = = = =

From: jmu...@DaVinci.soe.uoguelph.ca (Jim Murphy)
Subject: office one-liner, definition of stress

Some office one-liners from various anonymous sources collected over
the past 5 years or so.
*********************************************************************

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If it works, don't fix it!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

People with narrow mind usually have broad tongues.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.

All work and no play, will may you a manager.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it!

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

Definition of Stress:
That confusion that results when the mind overrides the body's
desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.

= = = = = = =

From: N.R....@durham.ac.uk (NigelR. Ellis)
Subject: Animal Joke

Origin: Sharon Bennett (s.l.b...@durham.ac.uk)
Submitted-By: Nigel Ellis (N.R....@durham.ac.uk)

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A: Half a dog...

Nigel.

= = = = = = =

From: 94...@williams.edu (fIREHOSE)
Subject: golfing

If you are ever caught in a thunderstorm while playing golf, the best way
to keep from being struck by lightening is to pull out a 9-iron and hold it
above your head, because not even God can hit a 9-iron.
= = = = = = =

From: U25...@UICVM.UIC.EDU (Bob Jackiewicz )
Subject: Teamsters

Heard on WLUP in Chicago...

What do Teamsters and sperm have in common?

Only 1 in 1000 work.

= = = = = = =

From: ri...@bulean.enet.dec.com (Tim Rice - DTN 226-7197 04-May-1992 1526)
Subject: Marines are like bananas

This was told to be eons ago by a Navy Chief:

Marines are like bananas;
they're born green;
they turn yellow;
and they die in bunches.
= = = = = = =

From: d...@vuse.vanderbilt.edu
Subject: heard it, sexual

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but it comes from down under.

= = = = = = =

From: MCGARRAH%CITADEL...@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu
Subject: Psychic powers

(From Dennis Owens, the morning drive-time host of WGMS (radio)in
Washington, DC)

"All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand."
"All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand."
= = = = = = =

From: sa...@cs.vu.nl ( Hans van Staveren)
Subject: Street gang objectives

Q: What is the primary objective of a street gang member?

A: To pronounce the word "motherfucker" in one syllable.
= = = = = = =

From: k...@cs.umb.edu (Kevin W. McAuley)
Subject: NO SUBJECT PROVIDED


* do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool
over their eyes?
chevyn

* if cigarettes are the leading cause of most household
fires in america, why do so many firemen smoke?

chevyn

= = = = = = =

From: gtephx!fo...@asuvax.eas.asu.edu (Andrew Ford)
Subject: Stealth Recovery

Heard on NPR (National Public Radio) - either "All Things
Considered" or "The Marketplace"

[In reference to the economic recovery that the White House
proclaiming]

"Yeah, I guess you could call this a 'Stealth Recovery,' most of us
will never notice it!"


= = = = = = =

Organization: University of Oslo, Institute of Informatics
From: r...@ifi.uio.no (Bj|rn Remseth)
Subject: Pretty girls in X bacground windows


Original (I think).

Q: Why does so many computer nerds have pictures
of beautiful girls in their X background windows?

A: That's the only way they will ever have a chance to
point at a pretty girl and say "She's my X girlfriend"


= = = = = = =

From: r...@rational.com (Bob Weissman)
Subject: PC-DOS joke

A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC.

Why?

Because that's where he keeps his .BATs.

= = = = = = =

From: vyx...@ftp.com (Vicki Streiff)
Subject: original, brief


Simon says: don't be so suggestible.

= = = = = = =

From: e...@wente.llnl.gov (Ed Suranyi)
Subject: Benny Hill


As far as I know the following one-liner was made up by my
friend Eric Altshuler:

Benny Hill: the master of the single entendre.

= = = = = = =

Organization: Informix Software, Inc.
From: bi...@infmx.UUCP (William Daul)
Subject: Ultimate RISC Machine To Be Announced

I will be building the ultimate RISC machine. I have reduced the
instruction set to only two instructions:

ON

OFF
= = = = = = =

From: el...@ocf.Berkeley.EDU (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: beer hierarchy


If Budweiser is the King of Beers, then Coors is surely _Der Fuhrer_.

Original =)
= = = = = = =

From: j...@rpp386.cactus.org (John F Haugh II)
Subject: Cure for baldness


If masturbation makes you grow hair on your palms, why don't bald men
just rub their dick on their head?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to top...@looking.on.ca
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-...@looking.on.ca

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 18, 1992, 3:25:06 AM9/18/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: bpa...@shearson.com (Brad Paley)
Subject: occult, black humor (original)

I've started an apocrophal story about the validity of palm reading:

A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five,
that his life line was extremely short. When he tried to lengthen it (with
his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Michaelangelo virus (smirk)
From: rl...@rlbsun.ee.virginia.edu (Robert L. Blackburn)

Heard on NPR's Morning Edition on Friday, March 6, concerning the
Michaelangelo computer virus:

Michaelangelo .... the rogue program, which conforms to the IBM
standard, ...

IBM has a standard for viruses?

= = = = = = =

From: d...@vuse.vanderbilt.edu
Subject: Re: A Sad Life

Here is an original thought (pun) in the same vein as a recent post:

>> From: geo...@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Georgy)
>> Subject: A Sad Life
>> Message-ID: <S37a...@looking.on.ca>
>>
>> You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
>> says,"Let's just be friends."

You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get
around to you.


= = = = = = =

From: pvs...@drl.mobil.com (P. V. R. Suryanarayana)
Subject: Joke


"In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies
too. But they die happy"

(Source: Barry Farber, quoted in the Journal of Petroleum Technology)

-Suri


= = = = = = =

Subject: Michelangelo virus question
From: r...@spot.colorado.edu (Rob Cuthbertson)


Why would anyone name a computer virus after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

(Seen in a miscellaneus column in the back of the Rocky Mountain News)

Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan:
....to stop the ticking.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Mike Tyson Joke
From: wbbe...@eos.ncsu.edu


Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?

"In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"

= = = = = = =

From: pal...@abulafia.ingr.com (Christopher M. Palmer)
Subject: Politically Correct Terms

This is original:

I came up with a new Politically Correct term,

Religiously Impaired

Unfortunately, I don't know if it applies to atheists or fundamentalists.


= = = = = = =

From: l...@puck.mport.com
Subject: Respect for the Law

Whil topping off my gas tank at a California self-service gas station
this morning, a policeman next to me remarked "You know it's illegal to
top off your tank here."

I replied, "I had my eggs over easy this morning too. Lock me up
before I start tearing off mattress tags!"


= = = = = = =

From: and...@zooid.UUCP (Andrew McCallum)
Subject: Mother of all FAQ's

This is an origional that I came up with about 2 hours and 32.3 minuits ago.
It has to be the biggest Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) on the net.

"Is this an FAQ?"

= = = = = = =

From: rod...@math.toronto.edu
Subject: Overheard at a party this past weekend in Montreal


Peter: ... what did you take?

A: I was in history.

Peter: Why did you stop?

A: I found history to be a waste of time.

= = = = = = =

From: n873...@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Iain)
Subject: Wayne's world in RUSSIA.


Did you you know that Saturday Night Live's 'Waynes World' skit is the
one number one most watched TV comedy in Russia ?

NYET!


= = = = = = =

From: kmo...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore)
Subject: Sex in a VW?

What do you call having sex in the back seat of a Volkswagen?

Fahrvegnookie.


= = = = = = =

From: ing...@triton.unm.edu (Kenneth Ingham)
Subject: a mixed up order


Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture?
Ovary 2: No, why do you ask?
Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.

= = = = = = =

From: vi...@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan)
Subject: Hubble quip.


Original quip on the space telescope we all like so much.

A few articles were posted in sci.astro.hubble but nobody could read them.

= = = = = = =

From: sybase!je...@sun.com (Jeff Ranstrom)
Subject: political theory

One claim for the value of the British monarchy is that its existence precludes anyone from aspiring to absolute rule. I have a theory that the American presidency serves a similar purpose, precluding anyone from managing the government.


= = = = = = =

From: Lane_...@next.com
Subject: Religious Intolerance


Told by my doctor:

"Religious intolerance is getting to be a greater problem in this country.
I understand some Unitarians were caught burning question marks
on people's front lawns."

= = = = = = =

From: bo...@cs.ubc.ca (Bob Lewis)
Subject: Sophie's Choice Potato Chips

(This one is original, if a little dated.)

Have you heard about "Sophie's Choice" Potato Chips? They're small, but you
can only take one.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Paul Tsongas
From: bar...@hal.com (David Barach)

Heard this morning on National Public Radio:

Paul Tsongas, Greek for "None of the Above..."


= = = = = = =

From: d...@desktalk.com (Dave Zobel)
Subject: Another plate-licking dog joke

The joke about "as clean as Soap and Water could get them" reminds
me of what my friend Mark Carlson used to say as he sat down to eat:

(rubs hands, inhales appreciatively) "Ah -- a meal fit for a king!"

(looks around) "Here, King!"

-- Dave Zobel, DeskTalk Systems Inc., Torrance CA USA


= = = = = = =

From: mi...@system-simulation.co.uk (Mike Taylor)
Subject: definition (original)


Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.


= = = = = = =

From: esm...@psych.purdue.edu (Eliot Smith)

Bush: The only President to have a league named after him!

= = = = = = =

Organization: National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST)
From: pesc...@brutus.ncsl.nist.gov (John Pescatore)
Subject: Obsolesence(sp?)

>From a speech by Ray Albers, assistant VP for Technology Planning at Bell AtlaAtlantic, made at last week's ComNet convention here in Washington DC:

"If it works, it must be obsolete."

= = = = = = =

From: fab...@sj.ate.slb.com (Fabrice Le Metayer)
Subject: Definition of "Foreign Aid"

Seen on soc.culture.thai :

for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.:
The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to
rich people in poor countries.


= = = = = = =

From: ja...@tcsi.tcs.com (Jacob Butcher)
Subject: JFK

The other day someone asked me what I thought about the JFK assassination.
I replied "There was a coverup. It worked."...

~jacob


= = = = = = =

From: f...@ptcburp.ptcbu.oz.au

This one turned up on the FAX network the other day (that's right, FAX!).
I hope it is not thought of as racist - it is not intended to be.
I'll leave it up to your judgement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job vacancy advertisment.

Wanted: small black man
for job as a mud flap.

Must be flexible and
willing to travel.

= = = = = = =

Organization: STB BBS, La, Ca, 310 397 3137
From: mic...@stb.info.com (Michael Gersten)
Subject: Re: A Philosophical Truth

This reminds me of one I heard, attributed to Santa Monica High...

Final exam in philosophy:
"Prove that the chair on the desk does not exist".

Student turned in "What chair?" and got an A.

Michael


= = = = = = =

From: ros...@perdita.gac.edu (Rebecca M Ostrom)
Subject: necrophiliacs


I heard this from my play director. I'm not sure where he got it.

Dear necrophiliacs

We love you.

--The Grateful Dead


--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 19, 1992, 3:25:07 AM9/19/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

Organization: Iowa State University, Ames IA
From: cs21...@cs.iastate.edu (Turbo)
Subject: Men are great

What makes a man think he's so great
-He has a bellybutton that won't work.
-He has tits that won't give milk.
-He has a cock that won't crow.
-He has balls that won't roll.
-He has as ass that won't carry a thing.


= = = = = = =

From: hug...@ral.rpi.edu (Declan Hughes)
Subject: Joke


Have you heard about the new Super Sensitive condoms ?,

they hang about after the man leaves and talk to the woman.


This came from the comedienne Elayne Boosler.


Declan Hughes
hug...@ral.rpi.edu


= = = = = = =

From: ROsman%ASS%SwR...@d26vs046a.ccf.swri.edu
Subject: Speak clearly and ...

A quote heard today on the radio (NPR, U.S. National Public Radio) and relayed
by a friend.

Attributed to Neils Bohr:

Don't ever speak more clearly than you think...

= = = = = = =

From: ia...@netcom.com (Ian Barkley)
Subject: Strange Definitions

Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.

Deja Vu: The feeling you've heard a joke before.


= = = = = = =

From: wo...@spot.colorado.edu (Christopher Wozny)
Subject: Bush's legacy from Reagan


I realized this morning why Reagan and Bush were such a good combination.
We called Reagan the Teflon President. Given the way Bush continually
changes his mind on the issues based on current political pressures,
he must be the Waffle President.


= = = = = = =

From: dene...@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck)
Subject: Philosophical contracting


Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower?

A: Deconstruction workers.

---------
Kev @ UNC (came up with the joke)
Pete @ UNC (explained the joke to Kev @ UNC)


= = = = = = =

From: m...@dugong.cc.uq.oz.au (Miles H Gillham)
Subject: Cinderella


Heard from a friend while commuting...


Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad soccer player?

A. She keeps running away from the ball!


Q. Why is Cinderella such a bad tennis player?

A. Her coach is a pumpkin!

= = = = = = =

From: TMA...@vax1.umkc.edu
Subject: Wayne's World Programming Guide, original

Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide:

A == B; !;

("A equals B. Not!")

= = = = = = =

From: jon...@cerf.net (Matthew Jones)
Subject: You know your really somebody ...


This is an origonal as far as I know.

"You know your really somebody in the software world when Richard Stallman
complains about you having a gratuitous patent."

= = = = = = =

Subject: Auto repair scandals
From: st...@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Steve Groom)

A short letter to the editor published in the Saturday, June 20 1992
edition of the Los Angeles Times:

I didn't get burned on my last auto repair bill.
I got Seared.

= = = = = = =

From: Adam...@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix)
Subject: Ah, parenthood


Phil, on Murphy Brown, philosophizing about having children:

"Teenagers--God's punishment for enjoying sex."

= = = = = = =

From: par...@cs.cornell.edu (Marc Parmet)
Subject: Country-Western song?

From the Larry King show:

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be
Out of Jail by Now.


= = = = = = =

Organization: Eastern's Public Access BBS, Toronto CAN
From: bre...@eastern.com (Brent McNamee)

I saw this on a local BBS (Toronto, Ontario) today:

HEADLINE! EXTRA EXTRA!!!
------------------------

ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!!
Police charge him with battery!!

= = = = = = =

From: CORSON...@west-la.va.gov

Author: Unknown
Submitted by: Berton Corson 528...@mcimail.com



Diner: Waiter! There's a footprint in my breakfast.

Waiter: Well, I don't see what the problem is. You
ordered an omelet and told me to step on it!


= = = = = = =

From: rvan...@bonnie.ics.uci.edu
Subject: Pearl Harbor

I heard this from an old high school teacher of mine:

BOY: You want to play Pearl Harbor?

GIRL: OK. How do you play?

BOY: I'll lie down and be Pearl Harbor, and you come along and blow
the hell out of me.


= = = = = = =

Organization: California State University, Sacramento
From: art...@sfsuvax1.sfsu.edu (Arthur Chandler)
Subject: W Allen gem

Here's a nice one from Woody Allen (don't know the exact source):

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness,
the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.

-- Woody Allen


= = = = = = =

From: elr%trintex (Unix Guru-in-Training)
Subject: California Socializing


From the currently running off-Broadway play "I-Land":

Q: Why do Californians have car accidents?

A: So they can meet their neighbors.


= = = = = = =

From: caz...@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Chuck Cazabon--Film Maker=)
Subject: Computer Text Humour (I'm a Canuck)


Heard (or rather, seen) on a local BBS signoff message...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Bush and Quayle...
From: wil...@ivy.isc.com (Will Crowder)

Seen on a bumper sticker:

BUSH AND QUAYLE

JUST SAY NOE!


= = = = = = =

From: rem...@skdad.usask.ca

Subject: ethernet & income statement

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?

A: A local area networth.

= = = = = = =

From: fad...@uts.amdahl.com (Andy McFadden)
Subject: Meow

Ever notice that "cat the output to 'time'" makes more sense if you read it
backwards?

- Andy


= = = = = = =

From: jdevlin%pollux....@usc.edu (Joseph T. Devlin)
Subject: True, radio


The morning djs on KROQ 106.7 in Los Angeles have written
a country tune which they call "I Hate Every Bone in Your
Body Except Mine."

- Joe


= = = = = = =

Subject: Perot Pullout
From: IRV...@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)

Subject: Perot Pullout

Source: Overheard at a Rotary Club meeting.

Now that Perot has withdrawn from the presidential race, he's being called
The Yellow Ross of Texas.


= = = = = = =

From: hau...@qucis.queensu.ca (Alejo Hausner)
Subject: Olympia and York, Reichmanns, Canary Wharf

I heard this on the "Royal Canadian Air Farce":

Olympia and York, known as O & Y, or "Oy vey".


= = = = = = =

From: frec...@spot.Colorado.EDU
Subject: Semi Religious Joke

This was seen on a Bumper Sticker

Pass the Word. Eat a Bible.

= = = = = = =

From: alai...@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (The WILD Samoan)
Subject: New bumper sticker idea

Inspired by Brown's "Take Back America".

I'd like to see this on somebody's bumper:

TAKE AMERICA BACK!

We want a refund!


= = = = = = =

From: ag...@andrew.cmu.edu (Arun K. Gupta)
Subject: Regarding meetings...


`Committee' was the spelling decided upon by the first komiti.


--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 20, 1992, 3:25:06 AM9/20/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: d...@sei.cmu.edu (Daniel V. Klein)
Subject: One liner

If Unix is so damn useful, why is "no" in /usr/dict/words, but "yes" isn't?


= = = = = = =

From: mcin...@cs.rpi.edu (David McIntyre)
Subject: Mike Tyson


Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex?

Mace.

= = = = = = =

From: rob...@intellistor.com (Robert Gerovski)

The Soviet news agency TAS reported that one of the leaders of
the failed Soviet coup committed suicide by shooting himself in
the head. He died after the third bullet entered his head.


= = = = = = =

From: sin...@ooc.uva.nl (John Sinteur)
Subject: USSR

This is third or fourth hand, so I cannot tell you the source.

It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new
name for the USSR.

One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics.

= = = = = = =

From: P...@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu (Paul Speicher)
Subject: Pascal

Why is Pascal a five cent language?
.
.
.
.
That's how much a Nicholas Wirth (Niklaus Wirth) (nickel is worth).


= = = = = = =

From: rich...@runx.oz.au (Richard Murnane)
Subject: A new (?) dumb blonde joke...

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of its own.

= = = = = = =

Organization: The Wizzard's Cave, East Meadow, NY
From: uunet.uu.net!utoday!jaflrn.uucp!watmath!uunet.uu.net!jaflrn!jaf@watmath (Jon Freivald)
Subject: Overheard a secretary saying...:

I overheard one of the secretaries in the office saying:

God I love it here... Why do I work here!?
Because I'm too old for a paper route
Too young for social security
and too tired to have an affair...

= = = = = = =

From: anlh...@cochiti.ucs.indiana.edu (Guess who?)
Subject: Seen in Newsweek 11-25-91


"VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best."
-- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside
one of Digital Equipment's often stolen computer
designs.


= = = = = = =

From: kii...@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka)
Subject: Topical, USSR, original

With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced
that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to
Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an
inverted U.

This is original.

--
Ken Iisaka kii...@csi.uottawa.ca (613)564-8155
Artificial Intelligence Laboratory (613)789-2932 (voice/fax)
Le Laboratoire de l'intelligence artificielle
Universite d'/of Ottawa, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada (Espace a louer)


= = = = = = =

From: Rich....@east.sun.com (Rich Vitale - Sun BOS Product Assurance)
Subject: pumpkin


I heard this on WBCN in Boston last week:

Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.

= = = = = = =

From: ll...@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au (lloyd allison)
Subject: terminally bad taste


Why do you go around telling everyone that you
are dying of AIDS when you are really dying of Cancer?

Because I don't want anyone screwing my wife when I'm dead.

from Rodney Rude, Australian comedian (?) 4/12/91


= = = = = = =

Subject: Michael Jackson (original)
From: weit...@ely.cambridge.oracorp.com (Adam Weitzman)

Michael Jackson - "Black Or White"

Good question.

= = = = = = =

Subject: What the Dems wanted for Christmas
From: RI...@suhep.phy.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes)

(Adapted from an editorial cartoon:)

This year's hottest Christmas gift was the Mario Cuomo doll. You wind it up,
and it doesn't run.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Post holiday diet joke
From: kii...@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka)

My friend, Duncan Bailey said:

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and
Christmas.

= = = = = = =

Subject: Pee Wee, Chuckle, Topical, original
From: salz...@sunquakes.geol.binghamton.edu (David Salzberg)

As we enter the New Year, newspapers across the country are running
lists of what is in and what is out for 1992.

In my local paper, the "in" column included Pee Wee Herman.

It is amazing what a little exposure wil do for some peoples career.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Bush illness
From: dbr...@osf.org ( David Brooks, Open Software Foundation )

Original.

At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed
out. This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been
intended for Lee Iacocca.

= = = = = = =

Subject: Spring semester advice
From: dene...@cs.unc.edu (Kevin Denelsbeck)


This is courtesy of a friend and classmate, Charles Kurak. I thought it
might be especially appropriate for those of us just beginning new semesters
of work:


Don't keep a negative attitude, such as

"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."

Instead, keep a positive attitude:

"I WILL fail. I WILL fail."

= = = = = = =

From: Christian...@dna.lth.se (Christian S. Collberg)
Subject: Politicians


From the Tulanian, the Tulane alumna magazine:

Politicians are like bananas:
They're green when you pick 'em,
ant then they hang around in bunches and get rotten.

= = = = = = =

From: kmo...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore)
Subject: New Ahnuld Movie

This IS an original, by the bye...

Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the
lives of the world's great composers. The movie has Steven Seagal set to play
Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the
project, he said...

"I'll be Bach"

= = = = = = =

From: sha...@garnet.berkeley.edu (Scott Shaffer)
Subject: New Michael Jackson album

Q: Do you know why the new Michael Jackson album is called
"Dangerous"?

A: Because the record company execs couldn't spell "Androgynous".

= = = = = = =

From: wh...@ddsw1.mcs.com (Ben Feen)
Subject: Grapes of Wrath Russian Style

During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_
_Wrath_ to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States
was.

All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars.


= = = = = = =

From: ss...@agora.rain.com (Russ Nelson)
Subject: Love those roots

Define:
KleptoPyroHomoNecroNymphoBestiality

Answer:
Anal sex with a stolen flaming road-kill

Told to me by a friend, original by her.


= = = = = = =

From: hu...@cs.kun.nl (Hugh Osborne)
Subject: New World Order

I found the following in talk.politics.soviet, posted by
con...@tharr.UUCP (Conrad Longmore). I'm assuming that his posting it
put it in the public domain. I have paraphrased.
It seems an obvious joke, but I've not heard it before.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Question: What is the "New World Order"?

Answer: Simple. The "New World Order" is where the New World gives all
the orders.

= = = = = = =

From: ch...@hawk.cs.ukans.edu (Your friendly neighbourhood Lab GTA)
Subject: a suggestion to mapmakers


I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice
globes of the earth. I noted that they had painted Germany as one country
already, but the Baltics, and of course, the Ukraine, were still painted as
part of USSR.

They really ought to sell those with this packet of stickers -- one for each
S.S.R., so that as they break off, you could paste them in.


= = = = = = =

From: mike...@cie.uoregon.edu (Mike Ehli)
Subject: Safe government II

As a followup to the joke:
"Practice safe government--use kingdoms"

One of my anarchist friends commented:
Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

= = = = = = =

From: EIV...@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Long Dong Silver (original one liner)

I hear Long Dong Silver is quite upset about his name being mentioned
in such a disreputable place as the United States Senate.


= = = = = = =

From: EIV...@cms.cc.wayne.edu (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Brevity is the soul of wit (original one liner)

You've probably heard "brevity is the soul of wit,"
but have you heard "gravity is the soul of weight?"

--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 21, 1992, 3:25:07 AM9/21/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: PJB...@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS)
Subject: A Star Trek joke

What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a politician?

Someone in Washington who might actually get something done!

= = = = = = =

From: m90...@ecs.oxford.ac.uk
Subject: Joke Submission


Heard this one from a mate recently:

Q) What's green and takes ten minutes to drink?
A) A Grant Cheque

= = = = = = =

From: hicke...@nwaces.enet.dec.com (Dave Hickernell, DTN 264-2031, MKO1-2/H13 26-Sep-1991 1423)
Subject: PC horny

OK, guys, we're no longer horny.
The Politically Correct term is "vaginally challenged".

[courtesy of my brother-in-law, Ron Howland]

= = = = = = =

From: shi...@phoenix.princeton.edu (S. Spencer Sun)
Subject: another fortune cookie thing

California, n.:
From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran

= = = = = = =

From: brig...@phuket.UUCP (Bill Carson)
Subject: "Banned Books" week

[ it is original - just thought of it. ]

Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time -
Shoot the book burners.

= = = = = = =

From: gi...@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr)
Subject: Yugoslavian ceasefire

Yugoslavian ceasefire [noun]:
Unit of time, roughly equal to the time it take to reload a gun.

Source: "Ny Tid" (Norwegian Weekly).


= = = = = = =

From: bi2...@sdcc6.ucsd.edu (Phyllis Pugh)
Subject: Irish Perverts (may be offensive ...)


As told to me by my favorite Irish priest:

Q: What do you call an Irish pervert?

A: An Irishman who prefers sex to whiskey.


= = = = = = =

From: mo...@rolf.stat.uga.edu
Subject: joke

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Take ordinary water and boil the HELL out of it.


= = = = = = =

From: fsm...@tristero.lerc.nasa.gov (Marc Cooper)
Subject: Freudian slip


(So far as I know, this is original..)


Psychotherapy- A long, drawn out process consisting of subtle probings of the
human mind, whereby women are blamed for all of Freud's shortcomings.

= = = = = = =

From: d...@crash.cts.com (David B. Whiteman)
Subject: Judge Thomas Joke

Original joke, bt I am sure someone else will come up with a similar punchline.

While watching the Senate hearings on TV I realized all that the Senate is
trying to do is figure out whether 42 year old Judge Clarence Thomas
is over the Hill.

= = = = = = =

From: d...@voodoo.boeing.com (Deb Schwartz)
Subject: Good Advertising

Seen on the side of an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts".

= = = = = = =

From: ga...@hpldslx2.sid.hp.com (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: I'm sure they laughed when they wrote this -


Headline in the Oct. 15 edition of the Wall Street Journal:

"Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus"


= = = = = = =

From: gi...@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr)
Subject: Hypotetical movie poster.


OS/2 -- The Nightmare Continues


= = = = = = =

From: kaa...@satyr.sylvan.com (Kaaren Bock)
Subject: road, Marin


Why did the Marin County woman cross the road?

She was channelling a chicken.

= = = = = = =

From: hob...@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 30-Oct-1991 1525)
Subject: Try a dark cow, uh ....


Two farm boys are just sitting day dreaming when a cow strolls by. "Man,"
says the first boy, "if only that was a woman."
"Man," says the second boy, "if only it was dark out."



= = = = = = =

Organization: The Law Society of Upper Canada
From: da...@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman)
Subject: M as in...

Every so often I find myself giving out a business address
over the phone that includes the postal code M5H 2N6.
I'm always tempted to say:
"M as in Mormon... N as in nary"


= = = = = = =

From: apucorle%idbsu....@utcs.utoronto.ca
Subject: Dentist

A guru went to the dentist and said,
"I'd like to transcend dental medication."

- Dr. Dean Edell

= = = = = = =

From: catbyte.b11.ingr.com!medin@watmath (Dave Medin)
Subject: One liners


The recent post brought this to mind, from the backstage men's room
at the Seattle Opera House:

Q: How tall is a union stagehand

A: Don't know. I've never seen one standing up...


= = = = = = =

From: neid...@makore.uicc.com (Bob Neidorff)
Subject: New Light Bulb Joke?

I don't know if this is new, but I think it is.

How many home owners does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store.


= = = = = = =

From: jp...@andrew.cmu.edu (Jody R. Prival)
Subject: cool math limerick

I got this from a friend...

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 +0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.


= = = = = = =

From: sam...@uunet.UUCPsameer
Subject: shampoo

this is not original....
I've always wondered why people use sham poo when the real
thing is easily available.....


= = = = = = =

Organization: Novell Corp., Walnut Creek, CA.
From: bdel...@wc.novell.com (Brian Del Vecchio)


> From: cic...@portia.stanford.edu (David Neiman)
> Subject: Haiku (from d...@yenta.alb.nm.us)

> "Twice five syllables
> Plus seven can't say much but
> That's Haiku for you.

Here's my Haiku from a few years back:

haiku's inventor
must have had seven fingers
on his middle hand

= = = = = = =

Organization: York University
From: yorkvm1.bitnet!MMORSE@watmath
Subject: Re: More from the one liner file (5/11)


This one was Groucho Marx's favourite:
"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!"


= = = = = = =

From: grin...@pa.dec.com (Joel Gringorten)
Subject: another for the 1 liner file?

What do they call a woman without an asshole?

Divorced.

(told to me by a woman, of course.)

= = = = = = =

From: dg-rtp.dg.com!eliot@watmath (Topher Eliot)
Subject: memory


My mind is like an old-fashioned bear trap:
rusty, dangerous, hasn't caught a thing in years.

= = = = = = =

Organization: Martin Bormann's Cranial Splints
From: saul.cis.upenn.edu!mjd@watmath (Just Another Pain in the Ass)
Subject: My dog


I've trained my dog to salivate whenever Pavlov comes over for tea.


Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.
Mark-Jason Dominus m...@central.cis.upenn.edu

= = = = = = =

From: hob...@header.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 10-Nov-1991 1223)
Subject: Buckl, Ted


Seen on a sign in Florida, outside the prison:

"Buckle up, Ted, it's the Law."

= = = = = = =

From: A.R...@massey.ac.nz (Anand)
Subject: A complete story

My sister told me this one a long time ago.

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write
a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion,
Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following
story:

"My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"

- anand


--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

If you don't need a reply, submit to r...@looking.on.ca instead.

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 22, 1992, 3:25:03 AM9/22/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: se...@hplsbs.hpl.hp.com (Bart Sears)
Subject: football (American) existential question

Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question:

If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is
reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count?

= = = = = = =

From: C51...@umcvmb.missouri.edu (David K. Drum)
Subject: Another ST:TNG Tasha Yar/Data joke

Q: What does Tasha Yar list on her resume?

A: Data Entry

= = = = = = =

From: gr...@bismarck.gatech.edu
Subject: Magazine similarities

Heard on a local radio morning show:

Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic?

You get to see a lot of great places you'll never get to visit.

Greg Williams
gr...@bismarck.gatech.edu


= = = = = = =

From: be...@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Beth Schwindt)
Subject: Obligatory Amiga Putdown, by a PC user

Q: What is a Nintendo if you hook up a keyboard?

A: An Amiga. Attitude sold separately.

= = = = = = =

From: da...@uunet.UUCP (David Rounds)
Subject: Green Bay Packers Lose Again

Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91

WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field plese pick
them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0.

= = = = = = =

From: MWO...@alhrg.wpafb.af.mil (MICHAEL WOLFE)
Subject: Office Automation

We are phasing in a "paperless office."
We are starting with the restrooms.


= = = = = = =

From: mavr...@acf3.nyu.edu (Telly Mavroidis)
Subject: new shampoo


This came to me last night, I haven't heard it before:

Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a
new shampoo?

It's a roll-on.

= = = = = = =

From: sa...@davinci.concordia.ca
Subject: Safe document processing (Original)


Practice "safe" document processing.

Use Latex.

= = = = = = =

From: a...@minster.york.ac.uk
Subject: Faulty utterance

I believe this joke to be original, although I heard it from
a friend a few days ago, and it's so obvious that somebody
must have used it years ago:

What says: "Pieces of nine, pieces of nine!"

A parroty error!

adh

= = = = = = =

From: jlod...@descartes.waterloo.edu (Jenny O'Donnell)
Subject: joke - vasectomy problems


I just heard this at lunch today from a co-worker cracking up the table.

In his words:

"After my vasectomy, my testicles disappeared. The doctor
couldn't find them, so he replaced them with small onions.
Now I only have two problems, first whenever I see a gorgeous
woman my eyes water, and second whenever I see a delicious
hamburger I get a massive hard-on."

= = = = = = =

From: dogwood!fra...@gatech.edu (John Stracke)
Subject: A revolution in education


The other day I saw a headline from a couple of years back: "Bush
Wants a 'Revolution' in Schools."

So *that's* where the guns are coming from!

= = = = = = =

From: nel...@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu (Russ Nelson)
Subject: Funny buns

I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped
by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office. The baker
offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad
refused the bun. After we left, I asked why. He said that he never
selects buns, especially pad buns.


= = = = = = =

From: ry...@server.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Filk (original): "Moonshine on my shoulders."


(To the obvious tune ...)

Moonshine ... on my shoulders ... makes me slip'ry ...
Moonshine ... in my eyes ... would make me cry ...
Moonshine ... mixed with water ... still tastes lovely ...
Moonshine ... almost always ... makes me high ...

If I had a brew that I could brew for you ...
I'd brew a brew ... sure to make you smile ...
If I had a still so I could distill for you ...
I'd make sure we had moonshine all the while ...



= = = = = = =

From: mso...@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques)
Subject: ted just doesn't get it


As told by Jay Leno:

Q: What did Ted Kennedy say when Willy Smith was acquitted?

A: PAAARTY! PAAARTY! PAAARTY! ...

= = = = = = =

From: BR...@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Subject: This week on MTV...

[ setup: MTV has a show called Unplugged where popular musicians perform
without the benefit of electric instruments. ]

Last night we were watching MTV when they ran an ad for an upcoming
show called "Paul McCartney Unplugged."

My wife looks up at the TV and asks, "wouldn't he die?"


= = = = = = =

From: tru...@cs.rutgers.edu
Subject: Original nerd joke


Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network
programmers? Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect":

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Tell you what it means to me

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Open up a TCP

socket to me
socket to me
socket to me
socket to me...

= = = = = = =

From: v...@aloft.att.com
Subject: Yet Another Corporate Merger

Original.

One of the more interesting takeovers in the recent past was that
of GE taking over the makers of BVD underwears. For
diversification purposes, of course. Their new slogan, you ask?
"We bring good things to life, in your BVD."

= = = = = = =

From: jli...@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (jlinder)
Subject: 7-11 Stores

Something to ponder:
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, then why
are there locks on the doors?


= = = = = = =

From: WILS...@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Subject: Getting old (and forgetful)

source: My father (a doctor)

"If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it."

= = = = = = =

From: WILS...@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
Subject: Graffiti

Seen on a park fence:

FIGHT APAth


= = = = = = =

Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix
From: brad%genesi...@gte.com (Brad Ackerman)

Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde:

_____________________________________
| |
| If you can beat me, you can eat me. |
|_____________________________________|



= = = = = = =

From: Adam...@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix)
Subject: New Christmas dolls


"The Kathy Rigby doll--pull HER string, and you'll be sorry."

--Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW radio (Cincinnati)


= = = = = = =

Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system
From: uunet.uu.net!cellar!watmath!cellar.org!hacksaw@watmath
Subject: A sign of the times...

Seen on a local BBS:


As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her
obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my
delivery?"

"Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present
at the moment of birth."

"That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband
don't get along."


= = = = = = =

From: hage...@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman)
Subject: Old Movie Song, New Joke

Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?

A: The candy man can.


= = = = = = =

From: kil...@gboro.glassboro.edu (Dr Nancy's Sweetie)
Subject: Original Joke


There's a new book in the works about Gorbachev and the failed coup last
August. It's titled _The Premier Who Came Back From His Cold_.

= = = = = = =

From: j...@avdms8.msfc.nasa.gov (J. Porter Clark)
Subject: Touchpad spelling

I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the
1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number.

Original, so shoot me.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 23, 1992, 3:25:03 AM9/23/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: ol...@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: Boris Yeltsin

Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill?


= = = = = = =

From: br...@king.ca41.csd.mot.com (Brian Smithson)
Subject: for the one-liner file?

In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over
the FAX machine that reads as follows:

"If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it."

= = = = = = =

Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science
From: myc...@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Charles Hannum)
Subject: Be careful where you put that 'L'!


It's interesting what happens when you ... accidentally add an 'L' at
the beginning of various words. You get such things as:

luser
LUSENET
LUSENIX
lintegrated circuit
LI-B-M
LUNIX
lusage

(If you think of any more, please email them to me.)

= = = = = = =

From: ???@world.std.com


This morning a potential joke hit me.

What is the opposite of SO, significant other?
Answer: I/O.

As when you are on a date and your companion mentions his or her SO.
That makes you an I/O. (Bad news.)

= = = = = = =

From: ta...@staff.cs.uit.no (Tage Stabell-Kulo)

If God didn't want us to masturbate
he would have given us shorter arms.

= = = = = = =

Subject: Holidays
From: KK1143@BROCK1P ( Kevin M. Kress)


[Heard from a friend of mine at school. Since he has no access to electronic
mail, I am submitting it.]


Q: If mothers have Mother's Day as their holiday and fathers have Father's
Day as their holiday, what holiday is for bachelors?

A: Palm Sunday.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Olympia&York [Reichmanns] finanacial troubles
From: dal...@qucis.queensu.ca (David Lamb)

Paraphrased from Alan Fotheringham's column in Maclean's last week:

Everyone knows the old saw about "If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're
in trouble; if you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble."
Well, if you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble.


= = = = = = =

From: sm...@ctron.com (Larry Smith)
Subject: And the winnah is...


This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken
his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people
set up in their yards at primary time.

He figures the winner will be "For Sale".

= = = = = = =

From: J.C...@ens.prime.com (Jim Cook)
Subject: Why Maine Doesn't Have the First Primary in the Nation

From a rerun of a Jack Paar show on presidential happenings:

Remember what a little old lady from Maine said,
"I don't vote - it only encourages them."

= = = = = = =

From: ev...@apollo.hp.com (Evan Morton)
Subject: the metric unit of pain

[original]

What's the metric unit of pain?
The Angstrom.

= = = = = = =

From: i...@gomez.jpl.nasa.gov (H. Ian Novack)
Subject: And they said TVs were dangerous...

Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering
consciousness and creating artificial realities:

"In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late."

- LA Times Thursday, 2/20/92 Business section "Innovation" column.

= = = = = = =

From: cl...@matia.stanford.edu (Jennifer Dole)
Subject: Definition


What's the definition of a "quadro-sexual?"

A person who will do anything, anywhere, with anybody, for a quarter.


= = = = = = =

From: r...@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: swimmer

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them
have to drown too?

= = = = = = =

From: char...@quartz.geology.utoronto.ca (Jim Charters)
Subject: no arms, no legs joke


This joke was told to me by one of our graduate students, Mike
Bromley. He plays music from time to time in a pick-up band. Another
member of the band, not known to me, told it to Mike....


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play 15
different musical instruments?

A: Stump the band.

= = = = = = =

Organization: Western Michigan University
From: x91pa...@gw.wmich.edu
Subject: Suggestion for research

********************SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH***************************

1) Who has the better genes, the baby of JESSICA LANGE
and MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV (Alexandra) or the baby of
AMY IRVING and STEVEN SPIELBERG (Max)?


2) How did cat books get to be such big sellers, when no
one anyone knows ever bought one and, presumably, cats
are not buying them?


= = = = = = =

From: ydo...@phoenix.princeton.edu (York H. Dobyns)
Subject: Spotted on an Advertisement/ True Incident

(The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer
advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted
without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.)

CALL 900-HOT-MIME
for SILENT FANTASIES
"Our mime is in the gutter."


= = = = = = =

From: rol...@drutx.att.com
Subject: hire the handicapped...

I didn't make this up: one of the local TV channels last night
used the phrase "running for office" to described the activities
of Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, and then went on to say that
Bob Kerry was "stumping."


= = = = = = =

From: bill...@aiag.enet.dec.com (Meyer, using EMAIL V4.0 25-Feb-1992 0932)
Subject: From the "new Europe"

A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest:

"Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either."


= = = = = = =

Subject: a matter of attitude
From: Thomas_...@GS46.SP.CS.CMU.EDU

Robert Frost:
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts
working when you get up in the morning and
does not stop until you get to the office.


= = = = = = =

From: t...@research.att.com (Tom Duff @ Mama Bell's Komputer Kindergarden)
Subject: Risks of Technology: Coca Cola division (original)

Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even
have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin
boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These
modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known
in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.''


= = = = = = =

From: gr...@clif.ypsi.mi.us (Greg Cronau)
Subject: Virtual Reality. Drug of the future?

Overheard on tonight's Dennis Miller show at the beginning of the segment
where a rep from Horizon Entertainment comes on to demonstrate their new
Virtual Reality game:
---------------

"So, let me get this straight. Eventually Virtual Reality could get
good enough that some guy from New Jersey could come home from work, rent
a cartridge for $19.95, and have sex with Elle Macpherson. This could make
crack look like Sanka!"

= = = = = = =

From: yd...@lucid.com (Judy Anderson)
Subject: Discovery


I was poking around on my filesystem the other day, and discovered a
directory named /vaporware.

It was emtpy.

= = = = = = =

Subject: Re: Close call, godly ...
Reply-To: l...@rri.uwo.ca
Organization: University of Western Ontario

The recent Thoreau 'dying words' reminds me of what I believe were Ogden Nash's
as quipped on The_Kid's_In_the_Hall.

"Either that wallpaper goes -- or I do!"

= = = = = = =

Organization: University at Buffalo
From: acs...@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Samir Chaudhari)
Subject: An Abortion Commercial..


Can not remember the source, a real incident...
In the NY subway, a commertial for an abortion clinic goes...

Pregnant? We can help!

.to which someone had scribbled:

Not pregnant? I can help!!

= = = = = = =

From: JWIL...@vm1.tucc.trinity.edu
Subject: topical, political

Heard around the Chicago Board of Trade:

New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush


= = = = = = =

From: caz...@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Chuck Cazabon...Amiga fan extraordinaire=)
Subject: Gallagher and television


I believe the following is from Gallagher...

It's too bad that televisions don't have a knob to turn up the
INTELLIGENCE of the programs. I tried 'brightness', but it didn't
work.

--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to fu...@clarinet.com


Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to top...@clarinet.com
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-...@clarinet.com

funny-...@clarinet.com

unread,
Sep 24, 1992, 3:25:05 AM9/24/92
to
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

= = = = = = =

From: a...@eclipse.Stanford.EDU (Arthur Keller)
Subject: Eye condition

I went to the ophthalmologist today about an eye condition. To
paraphrase his diagnosis, I had enough blood and sweat, but not enough
tears. His suggestion was to stay off my eyes for a while.

= = = = = = =

Organization: Advanced Micro Devices; Sunnyvale, CA
From: ka...@brahms.amd.com (Karen Black)
Subject: Original; Supermarket accident

At the store yesterday, I came upon a giant glass jar of maraschino
cherries that had broken on the floor. As the clerk appeared with
a mop, I said, "Looks like the end of a month of sundaes."

= = = = = = =

From: raj...@longhair.cs.unlv.edu (Doughboy)
Subject: L.A. courts and looters

Geogre Wallace on BET:

The L.A. courts are so backed up with trials against all the looters,
they've opened up a 10 items or less counter!!

= = = = = = =

From: dell...@cec2.wustl.edu (Dave Elliott)
Subject: Carlin's view

George Carlin on Johnny Carson May 13:

"Some people see the glass as half full;
some people see the glass as half empty;

I see the glass as too large!"

--David E.


= = = = = = =

Organization: UCLA Computer Science Dept.
From: ar...@cs.ucla.edu (Ariel The Rogue Rogson)
Subject: Humanity's egocentrism

{I don't believe I've ever seen this before.}

Isn't humanity egocentric? Whenever we talk, we say, "Here's my two
cents worth," but we only offer "a penny for your thoughts."

Ariel "The Rogue" Rogson


= = = = = = =

From: el...@ocf.berkeley.edu (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: mens' perogative


Most people know that, traditionally, it is a woman's perogative to change
her mind.
Unfortunately, few women realize that it is a man's perogative to fall asleep
after orgasm.

original =)
-ed


= = = = = = =

Subject: George Bush Acceptance Speech
From: vtu...@nmsu.edu


The other night, George Bush, when talking about prosperity in America said:

"In the US, the sun is always peeking over the horizon ..."

Does this mean by the end of his next term, America will be know as the
"Land of the Rising Sun"?

Vaughan


= = = = = = =

Subject: Disaster Areas
From: hage...@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman)

I wonder, are the San Francisco Giants moving to Florida to avoid the
danger of earthquakes?


= = = = = = =

From: i...@kolvir.solbourne.COM (Warner Losh)
Subject: Re: original, computers, sex

>'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds
> getting it free.'

And for everybody that gets it for free there are thousands talking
about how great it would be to get it.

Warner


= = = = = = =

Organization: Apple Computer, Inc
From: Ken_Blackman...@gateway.qm.apple.com (Ken Blackman)
Subject: A limerick I just made up


This limerick's signed "Anonymous"
To keep the author autonomous
Cause the rhyming scheme's bad
And the scan is just sad
And the punch line is really abominous


Ken "This code won't compile, but it is in iambic pentameter" Blackman


= = = = = = =

From: tho...@nick.csh.rit.edu (The Nut Man)
Subject: Hardware

"Computer hardware is like an erect penis:

It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it."

- F. Giuffrida

= = = = = = =

From: kev...@lupine.UUCP (Kevin Kelleher)
Subject: Solution to your backup problems


> If you had something like 500 GB of disk or or more, how would
> you back it up?

Post it to comp.arch.storage

= = = = = = =

From: a...@research.att.com
Subject: cat behavior (original)

Q: How do cats decide when to jump suddenly up from where they were
sitting comfortably curled up and dash madly around the room,
knocking over everything they encounter?

A: Fuzzy logic.


--Andrew Koenig


= = = = = = =

From: d9be...@dtek.chalmers.se
Subject: Never trust... (joke) (original) (political)

"Never trust what authorities tell you!"
"Why not?"
"Because Noam Chomsky said so!"

= = = = = = =

From: ste...@orl.mmc.com (Steve Gabrilowitz)
Subject: A visit from the in-laws


Next time your in-laws (or other equally likeable sort) come to visit, remember
this:

The word visit appears in the Bible describing when the Lord sent the plagues
to the Egyptians.

You may want to point this fact out to them...


= = = = = = =

From: mo...@proponent.com (Monty Solomon)
Subject: Dry Cleaner

Did you hear about Pee Wee Herman's new Dry Cleaning service?

It is called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off.

= = = = = = =

From: Redmond...@ius4.ius.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: Over zealous deodorant

Seen on a commercial for Mennen deodorant:

"Gives 110% protection!"

Does this mean that it sucks moisture out of the atmosphere
and stuffs it into your arpits?


= = = = = = =

From: el...@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot)
Subject: optimism


A headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read

How to become an optimist in two weeks

It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered
"I don't know. That sounds pretty optimistic to me."

= = = = = = =

From: FAC_...@wsc.colorado.edu
Subject: signs of aging

There are three ways of knowing you're getting really old:
One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two.


= = = = = = =

Subject: Excellent choice
From: how...@hal.com (Howard Gayle)

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race
during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an
excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in
circles at high speed.


--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to fu...@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to fu...@clarinet.com.


Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to r...@clarinet.com instead.

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