Zooey, is that you?

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Paul W. Schleck

Dec 8, 2011, 10:30:01 PM12/8/11
You may have seen Zooey Deschanel's recent appearance on TBS's Conan
O'Brien show, where she talked about her love of American Girl dolls.

What is not commonly known, is that the Zooey you saw on that talk show
was actually an intelligent, interactive prototype American Girl doll

Dubbed the "Z2," it was an accidental byproduct of research at American
Girl Doll company (now "American Girl Advanced Sentient Devices"). The
original goal was to develop an intelligent, interactive talking doll
for children. Researchers modeled the prototype after Zooey, as she was
generally recognized to be the most "doll-like" living celebrity today.

Unexpectedly, the Z2 became self-aware on August 4th, 2007. Normally,
self-awareness of an automaton like this would bring about human
Armageddon, like in the movie Terminator, or various "gray goo"
scenarios predicted by Bill Joy and others. These scenarios usually
require paradoxical time-travel, along with vast arrays of firearms and
mechanized transportation employed in climactic battles, in order to
correct. However, due to commendable safety constraints and careful
initial design parameters by the researchers, the Z2's unexpected
sentience has resulted in a much more benign outcome in this case. The
Z2's present mission includes:

- Increasing the audience base and advertising revenue of middle-tier,
basic cable talk shows and network sitcoms.

- Developing the long-nascent "cute girl comedy" industry ("angry girl
comedy" is already well-established) via the hellogiggles.com web

- Serving as a body double for Zooey when either maximum human acting
and musical talent is not required, or advanced technical skills
operating Zooey's social media empire (aka, "Zkynet") is required. In

Zooey: Movies, "She and Him," celebrity night life

Z2: TV shows, talk-show appearances, social media

This explains why fans of Zooey might see her simultaneously in more
creative enterprises and public appearances than might be considered
humanly possible.

Note that this division of labor between Zooey and the Z2 is not
absolute, and the entertainment industry is currently considering use of
the Z2 in lighter movie fare, including live-action movies based on
anime and video game franchises.

A self-aware automaton modeled after seemingly workaholic James Franco
(the "J2") is speculated to exist, but has not yet been confirmed.

Paul W. Schleck
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