Light Bulb Jokes
jeff.alltop
saved it but it got blown away. Could some kind soul either post or
send a copy?
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
Thank You
____ _______ _____ _______ ------- Jeff T. Alltop
/ __ \ |__ __| / _ \ |__ __| -====------ AT&T Bell Labs
| (__) | | | \ \ \_\ | | -======------ Naperville, IL
| __ | | | / \ __ | | --====------- Department 55631
| | | | | | | (\ / / | | ----------- 708-979-6863
|_| |_| |_| \_____/ |_| ------- pr...@ihlpy.att.com
James V. Tedeschi
You asked for it, so here it is. This was sent out on the net sometime in
March of this year. Enjoy.
-Jamie
jam...@pawl.rpi.edu
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Assholes never see the light anyway.
How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the
broken socket.
2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
bulbs.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century.
How many babysitters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many Baltimore Orioles does it take to change a tire?
One. Unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
How many bikers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to complain that it's electrified.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One third less than for a regular bulb.
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
2) Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental
Impact Statement.
3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk
to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving
clerk to receive the bulb ...
4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
5) None. We contract out for things like that.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.
2) Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. But they're really only one.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about
how much they liked the old one.
How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. It turned itself in.
2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
2) That depends on whether it has health insurance.
3) Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
How many Thomas Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. He doesn't change them, he makes them.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to
the old bulb.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room
first.
How many ergonomicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and ...
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They like Danzig in the dark.
How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) That's not funny!!!
2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
implications.
4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the
bulb is exploiting the socket.
5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were
the socket.
6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any
man trying to help the first one.
How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as older,
heavier ones.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!"
How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? You mean it's dark in here?
How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem."
How many Oxbridge students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. ("That's all right, I'll just sit here in the dark.")
How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) One liberal and twenty-eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
2) Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the
environment.
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter
the room who wants to sit in the dark.
How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he uses a chainsaw.
How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Into what?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They do it in the fruit.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.
How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions.
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to
screw in light bulbs too.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say,
"Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
How many National Security Council members does it take to change a
light bulb?
1) We can't say.
2) Three, in fourteen countries.
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger
while I go get a new bulb?"
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None of your damn business!
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying
to stop it.
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f---ing business and have a nice day.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves and if they
need light they go out and look at the sun...
How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to
change the bulb.
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many poor slobs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Poor slobs don't have light bulbs - they're too expensive.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he has to wait until the light is better.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
the moment they began screwing.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Seven. One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a
store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many Russian leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in
the wrong way.
How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They'll have their girls do it for them.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
How many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One if at home, but on school time, four.
How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms.
How many tourists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix hacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.
How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
2) None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light.
How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"
How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Cathy Hoff
}
}
}You asked for it, so here it is. This was sent out on the net sometime in
}March of this year. Enjoy.
You forgot my favorite:
How many surrealist artists does it take....?
Fish!
--Cathy
--
ca...@freezer.it.udel.edu
Men can't get pregnant, but they're carriers.
Malcolm Austin
In article <V+=%-N%@rpi.edu> jam...@pawl.rpi.edu (James V. Tedeschi) writes:
}
}
}You asked for it, so here it is. This was sent out on the net sometime in
}March of this year. Enjoy.
I have one I heard in college which I haven't seen on any of the canonical
lists:
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. How many should it take? I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?
This one is a particular favorite of mine, because, the first time I told it,
in the school dining hall, a girl across the table looked at me puzzled and
said, "I don't get it. And I should, I'm German!" (She was serious.)
Everyone else at the table nearly fell on the floor laughing.
I am reminded of a quotation my roommate, who studied German, told me. He
attributed it to Goethe: "For a German, humor is no laughing matter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ever wonder what happened to the people who tested Preparations A thru G?"
--
Malcolm Austin -- ma...@fir.morgan.com
Disclaimer (v.), to unarm an opponent wielding a Scottish broadsword
Paul Callahan
Oops... thought it was a request for heavy bulb jokes.
Never mind.
--
Paul Callahan
call...@cs.jhu.edu
Jens Tingleff
[..]
>How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>One. How many should it take? I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?
Reminds me of "pimpernel smith" (the movie featuring Leslie Howard as a
Red Pimpernel type during WWII)
A german Reichsf\"uhrer is trying to understand English humor. He finds
a lot of English jokes, reads them to his assistant, doesn't get it, and asks
"Is that funny ?"
"No Herr Reichsf\"uhrer!"
Jens
Jens Tingleff MSc EE, Institute of Computer Science, Copenhagen University
Snail mail: DIKU Universitetsparken 1 DK2100 KBH O
"It never runs around here; it just comes crashing down"
apologies to Dire Straits
brou...@sask.usask.ca
> You asked for it, so here it is. This was sent out on the net sometime in
> March of this year. Enjoy.
How many rec.humor.d readers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too busy reading light bulb jokes!