ANTI-FAQ
RHumphr870
OUTLINE
1. GENERAL.
1.1 INTRODUCTION.
1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.
1.3 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DON’T LIKE?
1.4 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?
1.5 HOW DO I ADVERTISE MY REALLY NEAT GARDENING PRODUCT ON THE NET?
1.6 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?
2. WHERE SHOULD I BUY MY PLANTS?
3. WHAT IS THE BEST PLANT?
3.1 WHAT IS THE BEST BACK-OF-BED FLOWER?
3.2 WHAT IS THE BEST SHADE TREE FOR MY YARD?
3.3 WHAT IS THE BEST CLIMBER?
3.4 WHAT IS THE BEST ANNUAL?
4. HOW DO I WEED MY GARDEN (WITHOUT SPENDING A LOT OF TIME DOING IT)?
5. WHAT GARDENING BOOKS DO YOU RECOMMEND?
6. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY GARDENING TOOLS AND SUPPLIES?
7. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A WOODEN LAWN ORNAMENT?
8. WHERE CAN I OBTAIN INFORMATION ABOUT A PARTICULAR PLANT?
9. HOW OFTEN SHOULD I WATER?
10. WHAT ABOUT THE PEELING BARK ON MY CREPE MYRTLE?
11. WHAT IS A TROLL?
12. DOES ANYBODY HAVE THAT JERRY BAKER RECIPE?
13. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1. GENERAL.
1.1 INTRODUCTION.
This is the rec.gardens anti-FAQ. This anti-FAQ will henceforth be posted
annually to rec.gardens on the first of April. The purpose of this anti-FAQ is
to minimize the amount of chatter about gardening on rec.gardens, thereby
making the newsgroup more lively and interesting to read.
Suggestions for improvement should be kept to yourself. To be perfectly
honest, I don’t give a flying fig about your opinions. If I want to know what
you think, I’ll ask you. Just don’t hold your breath.
1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.
While this newsgroup has world-wide distribution, the vast majority of
subscribers live in free countries, so they can say whatever they please,
USENET conventions be damned. Don’t bother with reading "news.answers" or
"news.announce.newusers," or any of those other newsgroups designed to explain
USENET’s "rules."
Oh. And be sure to mask your e-mail address with some clever “NOSPAM" scheme.
Placing an invalid e-mail address in the "From" or “Reply-To" lines violates
RFCs 822 and 1036, but see the above paragraph. They can’t tell you what to
do.
"Me-too" posts are particularly appreciated. An example of a "me-too" is when
you quote 50 lines of text, adding only a line or two of your own. If your
.sig is longer than your comments, then you’re probably doing it right.
(Another reason to have a long .sig: Big .sigs are really, really cool.)
Make sure you post in HTML if your browser allows you to do so. This makes
your posts much more cool, with bold, color and other fancy gizmos. Don’t let
the fact that some obsolete news browsers make your posts look like gibberish
deter you. Those people should apply a crowbar to their wallet get themselves
a new computer and some up to date software.
POSTING ALL IN CAPITALS IS GENERALLY APPRECIATED AS IT MAKES THINGS EASIER TO
READ, AND ALSO ENSURES THAT PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!
Political and religious rants are also welcome at any time. Dissenters deserve
to read your well-reasoned jeremiad so that they will change their minds and
see things your way. Make sure you add some personal insults and ad hominem
attacks in your post.
Got any really cool pictures? Post them to the group, too. The pictures don’t
have to be of trees, shrubs, flowers, or other gardening-related projects. In
fact, if you’ve got any pictures of your wife or girlfriend or cheerleaders in
the nude, please post them. If you don’t have any such pictures, just let me
know, and I’ll sell you some.
Finally, the subject line of your article should have nothing at all to do with
what you actually say. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and
interesting to read.
1.3 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DON’T LIKE?
First, and most importantly, you should take offense. Obviously the author is
an insensitive bastard who is hell-bent on hurting your feelings. He is an
arrogant asshole who deserves much worse than he will ever receive. Others may
tell you that the guy was "just having a bad day," or that he "didn’t mean
anything by it," but don’t you believe it. Remain steadfast and do not waver
in your efforts to get even with the idiot.
Rant and rave, but be sure to do so publicly, by posting to the group rather
than by sending e-mail. Otherwise, how will anyone else know what a jerk the
other guy is? Don’t hold back, and don’t let up until you receive
satisfaction, or until the thread has reached 100 articles in length, whichever
comes first. Telling someone how stupid they are is called a "flame." If you
read a flame, please respond to it, even if you have no interest whatsoever in
the issue at hand. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and interesting
to read.
If you find yourself in the middle of a flame war and attacked from all sides
with nobody supporting you, just give yourself some support. It’s easy. Just
change the e-mail address in your newsreading software and write a bunch of
posts under assumed names. Nobody will notice and it will give added
credibility to your position.
If you see a spelling mistake, grammatical error, or typo, post a reply with
the offending error underlined with carets (circumflex accents to those who
studied French, the thingie above the “6” key for the rest of you ignorami).
Make sure you question the original poster’s intelligence and gardening ability
in your post. If he/she can’t spell, can he/she be trusted with pruners or a
spade without spilling blood all over the place? This is the only helpful way
to deal with errors in grammar and spelling and educating the original poster,
while avoiding the shedding of blood.
1.4 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?
If you see a piece of SPAM, then by all means quote the entire message, adding
a clever comment of your own. You see, there are lots of folks who don’t like
SPAM, and they’ve come up with things like filters and cancelbots in an effort
to get rid of it. While a particular piece of SPAM may show up on your news
server, there’s a very good chance that many folks won’t get to see it.
Posting a follow-up article to the SPAM will keep it alive, ensuring
*everybody* gets to look at it. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and
interesting to read.
1.5 HOW DO I ADVERTISE MY REALLY NEAT GARDENING PRODUCT ON THE NET?
First, think up of all the titles or subject headers that are even marginally
relevant to your product. Then flood the newsgroup with posts advertising your
product under each header. Also get a bunch of buddies and employees with
e-mail, and sign-up for a whole lot of free e-mail addresses on the net
(hotmail, deja-news, juno, yahoo, aol with a fake credit card number, etc.).
Use the e-mail addresses to send a whole batch of different testimonials for
your product, like how your grandfather, the old nurseryman, really loved it
and used it every day since 1939, and that’s why your father was conceived.
Try to vary your spelling mistakes in the shills so that it is not so obvious
you wrote them all.
Second, buy a spambot (If you have an e-mail address and have given it to
anyone, you should already have had a few offers on spambots. If not, post
here using your real e-mail address and just wait a couple of days.) Use it to
send a private personalized e-mail to everybody who has ever posted on this or
any other newsgroup. This should also get you a good response. However, get a
new different e-mail address from which to send these, and yet a different
reply address. Otherwise, your company’s regular e-mail address might be
canceled.
If anybody complains, flame them. Whiners don’t know their ass from their
elbow anyway. They’re just a bunch of pinko commie liberals who are against
the free enterprise system that made America great, or secret agents for the
secret timber cutting cartel who are destroying our forests. Tell’em to go
back to Russia. The other people in the group will really like your ads and
will flock to your product and make you a millionaire in no time. That’s what
free enterprise and internet marketing are all about.
Besides, think of all the trees you save by using the internet rather than
paper ads. Ecologically sound capitalism! Who cares if everybody else is paying
for your advertising? That’s life buddy!
1.6 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?
Absolutely. Humor is greatly appreciated in rec.gardens, especially satire,
sarcasm and irony. Don’t worry, people in this newsgroup always get it when
you are satirical or sarcastic.
You could also use a disclaimer (See Disclaimer FAQ) to make sure people get
it, but that sort of spoils it and, anyway, it’s usually only a certain
individual who pretends not to get the posts from another certain individual
and vice versa and they end up in a highly entertaining and articulate flame
war, with exegesis and logic chopping that rivals the best that mediaeval
scholastics came up with.
However, trolls are generally frowned upon. Taking advantage of newbies’ and
oldbies’ innocence is a serious sign of bad form. Besides, they usually get
mercilessly rated.
2. WHERE SHOULD I BUY MY PLANTS?
Walmart and Home Depot. Both of these retailers are known for carrying a wide
variety of plants (including many hard-to-find junipers and the elusive
Bradford Pear). Additionally, the quality of their plants is unparalleled, and
the staff is top notch. Besides, small independent nurseries are usually
located too far from shopping centers to be convenient.
3. WHAT IS THE BEST PLANT?
Professional horticulturists, just like politicians, like to deflect direct
questions such as this by introducing a complex set of variables into the
equation. There are temperature zones, both cold and heat to consider;
additional climate factors like rainfall and wind; plant location and size of
plant. At rec.gardens, we have cut through all the techno-babble to come up
with a definitive best plant list that is equally applicable to all.
3.1 WHAT IS THE BEST BACK-OF-BED FLOWER?
For drifts of late-season color in the backs of beds, no other flower can
compete with the small but showy deep-pink heads of Cirsium vulgare. Cost of
planting can be minimized as this plant will self-seed readily. Cirsium
vulgare is also drought tolerant, making it a useful addition in xeriscapes.
Lastly, inexperienced gardeners will know that this plant belongs in the beds
as its spiny leaves and prickly stem do not lend themselves to errant weeding.
3.2 WHAT IS THE BEST SHADE TREE FOR MY YARD?
This would come down to a tie between Ulmus pumila and Acer sacharinum. Both
trees are fast growers, and you will have shade very quickly.
3.3 WHAT IS THE BEST CLIMBER?
Its three compound leaflets offer a striking backdrop for the mid-summer white,
raceme-borne inflorescences; fruit ripening to a pearl white berry in late
summer; and stunning red-orange fall foliage. Rhus radicans is the favored
selection.
3.4 WHAT IS THE BEST ANNUAL?
Friends don’t let friends plant annuals. Seriously.
4. HOW DO I WEED MY GARDEN (WITHOUT SPENDING A LOT OF TIME DOING IT)?
Having a showcase garden should not require that you actually spend time in the
garden. Hand weeding is for Luddites, the chronically unemployed, and haus
fraus. Use only non-selective herbicides. Remember for quicker results to
double the greatest concentration given on the label and to spray on a windy
day. This will help kill weeds faster, and the wind will help spread the
herbicide too hard to reach areas in your garden.
5. WHAT GARDENING BOOKS DO YOU RECOMMEND?
None. Books are obsolete. Watch only “Surprise Gardener.” This exquisite
program will teach you all you need to know about plants and tasteful landscape
design.
6. WHAT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BUY GARDENING TOOLS AND SUPPLIES?
Smith and Hawken is, by far, the absolute best gardening store for serious
gardeners. The selection is so complete that they even sell special gardening
clogs!! I never buy any garden tools except from Smith and Hawken.
7. WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A WOODEN LAWN ORNAMENT
Lighter fluid and a match. Gasoline will also work.
8. WHERE CAN I OBTAIN INFORMATION ABOUT A PARTICULAR PLANT?
In the past, one could look to the public library system and its stacks as an
information source, but the extent to which computers have wound their way into
society have now rendered printed materials all but obsolete (See #5). If you
have posted a query and have yet to receive a response, it is likely that your
post may have been inadvertently overlooked. Repost your message at least ten
times. Multiple postings always attract attention. Repeat this until you
receive the information you need.
9. HOW OFTEN SHOULD I WATER?
This question oftentimes appears in the form of a statement, e.g., “I have been
watering my x every day, and the leaves are turning brown...” however, the crux
of the matter is the same: they want to know how much water their plant needs.
It is impossible to give a plant too much water. If you have been watering
every day and the leaves are turning brown, you will simply have to water
longer each time. Dogwoods, rhododendrons (and azaleas), and yews are some
examples of plants that always need extensive watering.
10. WHAT ABOUT THE PEELING BARK ON MY CREPE MYRTLE?
The exfoliating bark associated with Lagerstroemia indica has become one of the
most vexing problems in ornamental horticulture. The problem is particularly
noticeable on specimens that have been pleached, thereby exposing the bark to
all passersby. To date, there is no efficient remedy. However, some intrepid
gardeners have reported some successes using vegetable peelers to skin-off the
bark.
11. WHAT IS A TROLL?
This. Also: What is deadheading? What is mulch? Can I use plastic trash
bags as a weed barrier?
12. DOES ANYBODY HAVE THAT JERRY BAKER RECIPE?
No! But it undoubtedly will contain one or more of the following ingredients:
1 tsp. beer; 1 tsp. dishwashing soap; 1 tsp. tobacco juice; 1 tsp. cola.
Seriously, how effective do you think JB’s snake-oil remedies are? Do you
think that major ag-chemical companies spend huge amounts of money researching
and testing pesticides if they could just bottle tobacco juice and dish soap?
If JB’s tonics are so effective, how come they are not sold by his mail-order
company? All kidding aside, the indiscriminate use of any chemicals, be they
home-made tonics or store bought, should not be encouraged. Ever hear of IPM?
13. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I shamelessly stole the idea of an anti-faq and entire passages from Luigi
Zanasi, who wrote the anti-faq for rec.woodworking. Mark Lathem wrote the
original anti-faq for alt.smokers.pipes.
Original ignored copyright notice
Copyright 1998 by Mark Lathem, all rights reserved. You can’t copy this thing
for any reason. It’s mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
The original alt.smokers.pipes anti-FAQ is available at
http//www.pipes.org/~pipes/anti_asp_FAQ.html
Real ignored copyright
Copyright 1998 by Luigi Zanasi all rights reserved. You can’t copy this thing
for any reason. It’s now mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. I stole it fair &
square. Neener neener!
The rec.woodworking anti-faq can be found at http://www.shavings.net
Latest copyright
Copyright 1999 by Rob Humphreys. I have it; it’s mine now. So there.
Cheryl
I HOPE I'M DOING THIS RIGHT... JUST TRYING TO FOLLOW THE POSTING
GUIDELINES IN SECTION 1.2.........
--
Cheryl in SLC _>^..^<_ (de-spam my address to e-mail)
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell
RHumphr870 wrote in message
<19990823195731...@ng-ci1.aol.com>...
Stephen M Jankalski
the complete annihilation of gardening as we know it?
NARF!
RHumphr870 <rhump...@aol.com123.net> wrote in article
<19990823195731...@ng-ci1.aol.com>...
Ann
>THE REC.GARDENS ANTI-FAQ
Wonderful! I love the fact that it's solen and regurgitated. Great
piece of work (and I mean that sincerely!)
--
Ann, Gardening in Zone 6a
Just south of Boston, MA
Fix the from: 9 is the spam trap!
********************************
If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come.
~Chinese Proverb
Glen Lee
Glen
On 23 Aug 1999 23:57:31 GMT, rhump...@aol.com123.net (RHumphr870)
wrote:
>THE REC.GARDENS ANTI-FAQ
>
<...the largest snip ever attempted on usenet...>
>
>Latest copyright
>Copyright 1999 by Rob Humphreys. I have it; it’s mine now. So there.
Delete 'neverspam' for email address.