1992 Moriarty Quote List [Additions for 1992, Part 1 of 2]
Jeff Meyer
"Egads! Why dally with
other poisons?! That
java has perverted the
wills of more men than
many major religions!"
"Do you want it with
cream or sugar?"
"I prefer it ebon. Why
disguise such a pure
destructive force?"
[MISSPENT YOUTHS #3]
----
"I will train myself relentlessly, mold and
recreate my entire being until I am a living
weapon! Unstoppable! Invincible! Incorruptable!
The bad guys will pee their pants at the sight of
my awesome FEAR-INDUCING GOODNESS!"
-- Misspent Youths
----
"Maybe he'll shoot her. She's lived sixteen years.
I think I've suffered enough."
-- Misspent Youths
----
"So.... you've been sent
back in time for only one
day,. You've got a
chance to to change
history. You meet Adolph
Hitler at five years old.
What do you do?"
"Shoot the little
bastard."
"That was my response."
[MISSPENT YOUTHS #1]
----
"Imagine his surprise when he sees his children
sprawled on the floor like some bizarre Matthew
Brady landscape!"
-- Dr. Clayton Forrester
----
"Frank, I don't have time
for Thanksgiving. I'm on
the verge of world
domination."
"But we have guests
coming over."
[MST3K Thanksgiving special]
----
"Oscar Wilde: 2000."
-- Crow
----
"You know, I certainly have amassed a fortune,
donning dorky bow ties, weasely glasses, and Big
Boy-styled haircuts!"
-- Crow
----
"Oh, you rotten man. Here. Let me take your
rotten, bloody picture for the rotten, bloody
newspapers."
[LAWRENCE OF ARABIA]
----
"We are not thugs. We are not fanatics. We are
vitamin supplements to justice."
[QUEEN OF ANGELS, by Greg Bear]
----
"Relative calm is expected in South Central Los
Angeles for the next several weeks, as looters
stay home and try to program their new VCRs."
-- Weekend Update
----
"Viewing the destruction in South Central Los
Angeles, President Bush was said to be `shocked by
what black people look like up close.'"
-- Weekend Update
----
Selections from L.A. TRIAL JURY'S TOP TEN ACQUITTAL
EXCUSES:
10. Swayed by defense counsel's "Boys will be
boys" closing argument
9. Pressure from big-money Vegas gamblers
4. Promised cameo appearances in "Dragnet II"
2. Case law explanations provided by nearby
Reagan Library
-- Steven Sargent
----
"It's nothing. It's just a private joke between me
and whoever is going to be my analyst."
----
Selections from TOP TEN KEEBLER ELF EUPHEMISMS FOR
DEATH:
8. On the cooling rack
7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
5. Creamy casket filling
3. Super-Fudge-a-riffically-Dead
1. Somebody get the mini-vac!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in
prison. It went a lot faster with two people
digging."
-- Mister Boffo
----
"I'm warning you ... if you kill me, they'll just
send 008!"
-- Flaming Carrot
----
"Well, we've stared at it... that oughta fix it!
Let's get outta here."
-- Crow
----
"Right now, they're
upstairs?..."
"...pumping like
pistons..."
"...making the beast with
two backs."
"Want some cognac?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"No moose, no moose."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"If some of our GM executives had been conceived
under the Aurora Borealis, we wouldn't be in the
mess we're in today."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Although he is now a god, he is still the same
lovable young man we've always known -- I can
attest to that."
[I, CLAUDIUS]
----
"Go ahead, Stephen! Take your last licks! But
this will heal! What I'm gonna say can NEVER be
erased! It'll scar you FOREVER!
"Ready?! Here it is! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE MORE THAN
$19,000 A YEAR! HA HA HA!!"
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"...except I would give *anything* if you were two
people... so I could call up the one who's my
friend and tell her about the one that I like so
MUCH."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"He wants to see you. He's become a god. Oh,
you're a god, too."
[I, CLAUDIUS]
----
"Do you know him
personally?"
"No, but I've slept with
his wife several times."
[I, CLAUDIUS]
----
"What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing... I think you
really blew the lid off
nookie."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom --
while being a very nice guy -- is the *devil*."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"Ernie said you're lucky if you can get out when
you can still cry.... Which means I should have
quit 3 years ago."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"I know you're supposed to take life one day at a
time -- but lately several days have attacked me
at once."
[Anonymous]
----
"In the immortal words of the captain of the
Titantic, 'Where did all this fucking ice come
from?'"
[Anonymous]
----
"This must be the Red Sox' year. Statistics of the
last 75 years prove that the Sox always win the
World Series one year after a Russian revolution."
-- Dan Shaughnessy
----
"I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of
the White House forever. And when they get in...
I'll be back on the streets! With all my criminal
buddies! BA-HAHAHAHAHA!"
-- SideShow Bob
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Thank you, Senor
MacGyver! You saved our
village."
"Don't thank me, thank
the moon's gravitational
pull."
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Aunt Selma has one hour
to live!"
"Hey! Down in front!"
[From the "Return of SideShow Bob" Episode of THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Uh-oh, you guys, it's the Agents of Hell."
[Joel getting the call from the Mads on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
----
TRANSLATION OF JET JAGUAR THEME SONG
------------------------------------
He jock it made of steel
Eats sushi from a pail
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity
He dickey covers up an adams apple the size of a Toyota
He basically good-hearted
But he'd like to smash that kid against a rock
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
His head looks like Jack Nicholson
Don't smile like that, it will stay that way
Yahmmmaahoaahoaaaugh!
Don't touch my bags if you please, Mr. Custom Man
-- MST3K
[The "translation" of the GODZILLA VS MEGALON closing song on MST3K]
----
"But, but Gramps, what
good is having a
bazillion dollar popcorn
empire if no sweet chick
will breed with me?"
"Listen to yourself,
Buddy. It's part of the
proud popcorn creed to
be without the love of a
woman. How can we
concentrate on
genetically improving
our popcorn if we have
extremely abundent
members of the weaker
sex parading up and down
the rows of our
high-yield Super-Chief
double-whammy
ganga-ganga corn? Sweet
fruit juices annointing
their bodies.....
C'mon, how would that
look?"
-- MST3K
[The Orville Redeinbacher (sp?) sketch from MST3K]
----
"*I'm* the god, I'M THE GOD!!"
[MST3K (and I'd love to know where it's originally from)]
----
"The public is tired of
serial killers? Now,
where'd you get that?"
"You can read it yourself
in the focus groups,
Jim. Serial killers are
overexposed. Our
audience is worried
about the economy. They
don't want any more
serial killers."
-- Michael Crichton's (impressively
stupid) RISING SUN
----
Marx Stalin Lenin Trotsky
We've got the team that's really hotsky.
-- Pre-New Order Reed College Cheer
----
"You noticed that I didn't promise to cut your
taxes. Of course I didn't. That would be stupid.
If I cut taxes, we'd go deeper into debt. Then
I'd have to raise taxes to help cover the juice
we're paying on all that debt. Did you appreciate
my candor? No, you'd rather have someone tell you
that he is going to make it possible for you to
buy three more Happy Meals at McDonald's and to
hell with the future."
-- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas'
withdrawl from the
presidential race
----
"As for those who prefer some glib,
position-hopping pretty-boy backslapper, you have
a good chance of getting what you deserve.
The trouble is, the rest of us will get it, too."
-- Mike Rokyo on Paul Tsongas'
withdrawl from the
presidential race
----
"Here, here! You oughtn't to do a thing like that!
Going around tying defenseless people to railroad
tracks! It's not the Canadian way!"
[Who else but... DUDLEY DORIGHT OF THE MOUNTIES?]
----
"Why are all the cute ones so corporate?"
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"Oh, Captain Crunch Comfort Ring, help me out of
this awful jam."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"Van Damme and Van Damme in 'Van Damme You All to
Hell!'"
-- Tom Servo
----
"Eat lead, space pansy!!"
-- Tom Servo
----
"Something stupid this way comes."
--- Joel, MST3K
----
"Watch it -- we've got Moog synthesizers! We could
kill you from here!"
-- MST3K
----
"I think it's really the
human part of him that's
failing."
"Well, the human side
likes the rich taste,
but the robot in him
loves the frosty
goodness."
-- MST3K
----
"Meanwhile, at Jackie Chan Technical College ..."
-- MST3K
----
"The Comics Journal is like Einstein's curved
space, molding itself around Fantagraphics'
perceived needs and foibles, a series of
rationalizations and excuses masquerading as a
political viewpoint. You could hang it on the
wall, but how would you ever decide which end is
up?"
-- Dave Sim
----
>> CTHULHU IN '92!!! <<
-------------------------------
Why vote for the *lesser* evil?
-- David Henry
----
"Soapie once told me that the thing he loved most
about country music was its sense of myth.
There's heroes and villains, good and bad, right
and wrong. The protagonist strolls into a bar
which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture.
He contemplates his existence and asks himself,
`Who's that babe in the red dress?'"
[Chris on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"In your dreams, Fleischman."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I don't like people committing suicide. All the
ethical considerations aside - it's just plain bad
for business."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"She doesn't understand why you don't cut anybody
any slack. Why you can't roll with the punches.
Why you think everyone you meet has an ulterior
motive. Why you can't be spontaneous. And why
you can't see the beauty that's all around you.
And frankly, I didn't know what to tell her."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"It would make a lovely holiday card - `Greetings
from the Netherworld, love Joel and Elaine'."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"You're missing the point,
Ed. Golf isn't a game --
it's a choice that one
makes with one's life."
"To hang out with people
in funny-looking pants?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get
de-sensitized to it!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into
a nice bubble bath with some Belgian chocolate and
a mystery at my side only to discover that all of
the characters in the latter are still alive at
the end."
-- Miriam Nadel
----
"Gentlemen.... DON'T LET AMERICA GO TO THE DEVIL!"
[THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER (also known as ALL THAT MONEY CAN BUY]
----
"We deal in lead, friend."
[THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN]
----
"Does Barbie come with
Ken?"
"Barbie comes with G.I.
Joe. She fakes it with
Ken."
[Anonymous]
----
Selections from TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR THE
IBM/APPLE JOINT VENTURE:
10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size.
9. Middle-aged white men in suits.
7. The power to be our best and sue the rest.
6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
3. We don't like you, Bill.
1. Setting a new standard in vaporware.
-- Terry Zmrhal
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE GNU EMACS:
8. 50-50 chance of discovering new feature each
time it's executed.
6. Subliminal messages flashed on screen during
global search/replace urge "Stallman for
President".
4. Helps support "When you don't pay for
software, don't pay for *American* software"
campaign.
3. Continued use allows embedded
self-organizing neural network code to take
first steps up evolutionary ladder.
-- Richard Kulawiec
----
"If you are not sure whether a person is a
scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he
is probably a psychologist."
-- Scott Dorsey
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS TO USE vi:
9. It's super powerful
7. It's cryptic, and therefore builds character
6. It doesn't use any keys that aren't on your
keyboard
5. It's even available on a DOS machine
1. It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing
-- Randall W. Hron
----
"Hmmmm, this sounds like
*another* job for
Stupendous Man!"
"Actually, it doesn't
sound like *quite* his
type of job."
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
----
"Why.... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't
trying to kill me."
-- Calvin
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
----
"EAT TASTY SEMI-AUTOMATIC **DEATH**, YOU DILDO JOCKIES"
[PunisherRoach, from CEREBUS]
----
"But to you now worshipping in the flickering blue
light, I say this: The beating of Rodney King
notwithstanding, an image without context is less
than a half truth.
"So be skeptical. Think critically. Read. And
good day."
-- CONCRETE: Fragile Creatures
----
"I'd given a million bucks
to anyone who could
explain that woman to
me."
"Sometimes I think she's
a Martian stuck on our
planet an' that her
behavior is normal back
home."
[Ah, shyness and love, ala Rand Race and Hopey re: Maggie in LOVE AND ROCKETS]
----
"A...common...household...kitchen...utensil."
-- Ron Post
----
"Sometimes I think justice just isn't what it used
to be."
-- Dick Tracy
----
"Who *cares* which hero could beat up the other? It's
crazy to argue like this all the time! You're driving
your mother out of OUT OF HER MIND! You're lucky I don't
tan your hides! They're just COMIC BOOKS!
"And besides, it's like *my* father always said -- FLAMING
CARROT could tear them BOTH to shreds!"
-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
----
"I wish Wally Wood had
drawn me!"
"BOY! Me too!"
-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
----
"Comic books contain *sexual* *innuendo* that almost
approaches the level of explicitly reached on the average
episode of NIGHT COURT! Comic books portray acts of
crime and violence that are very nearly as realistic as
real life *itself*! In comic books, many of the `heros'
have a disregard for the law and a twisted sense of right
and wrong that doesn't even come close to the down-right
contempt of the values that made this country great held
by most of its elected officials, but SO WHAT? WHERE WAS
I? I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY NEXT! BECAUSE OF
COMIC BOOKS! *THEY MAKE ME SO MAD!!!*"
"This message brought to you by the Self-Righteous
Finger-Pointing Witch-Hunting Nail-Biting Grouchy
Old Poops of America."
-- 20 NUDE DANCERS 20
----
"Now that I can finally
see him for what he's
been all along, I'm just
appalled! I mean, can
there be anyone on Earth
more craven, more
contemptible than he is?"
"They say in America,
there is a man named
`Geraldo'..."
"No, I mean of Duke's
generation."
[DOONESBURY]
----
"Hmmm... she's got really nice skin for a junkie."
-- Crow
----
"Slugger: Found dead with Coors Party Ball lodged
in throat."
-- Crow
----
"...and, uh-oh, it's THE STINKY GUY."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"...and a man so mean he once shot himself just for
snoring too loud!"
-- Crow
----
"Hey, it's Raffi! Thanks for the drugs!"
-- Crow
----
"A new theory on the
Kennedy assassination!"
"Drowning!"
-- FARLEY
----
"Scary news from that
nuclear waste dumping
site of the Farallones!!"
"We'll talk with an
80-pound duck!"
-- FARLEY
----
"CHANNEL ONE! We put the `Super' in Superficial!!"
-- FARLEY
----
Rolling Stone review of "The Archies' Greatest Hits":
"Lord, no. Contained within the grooves of this
record are twelve convincing arguments against the
capitalist system."
----
"I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator
and name it after the IRS."
-- Robert Bakker, paleontologist
----
Here lies Hermina Kuntz
To virtue quite unknown.
Jesus, rejoice!
At last she sleeps alone
[?]
----
"God, I could use a half-day."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Look's like you've just
bought a lottery
ticket... to jail!"
"Uhh, he's unconscious,
sir."
"Ahhhh, they can still
hear things."
----
"I WILL NOT EXPOSE THE IGNORANCE OF THE FACULTY."
-- THE SIMPSONS
----
"If you own a cocker spaniel, you get a tax break."
-- Paul Tsongas
----
Excerpts from Jim Dyer's DOONESBURY TIMELINE:
24-Jan-1986: Uncle Duke is pronounced dead. Hunter
S. Thompson (a.k.a. Raoul Duke) expresses concern
that being dead may not be good for his social
life.
----
"You'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty
behavior, despite the fact that several cats were
seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that
I wish to start rumors."
-- Dave Barry
----
"So, Phil, before you
leave, I understand that
Oprah Winfrey makes $35
million a year."
"PFFFFFFFFT!!"
[Dave Letterman and Pat Donahoo have at it, LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
----
"And the baby's Aunt is Shirley MacLaine! Wow!"
-- David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WE'VE BEEN ON THE
AIR 10 YEARS :
9. Cheap to produce with illegal alien bandleader
8. Our perfect mix of comedy, music and
awkward silence
7. Sophisticated technology that makes home
viewers think they smell bacon
1. I'm Captain Dave and America is my Ship of
Love
-- Late Night 10th Anniversary
Special
----
"To Hell with the show! This is *science*!"
[LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
----
"You're wondering how we can dominate this, aren't
you, Mike?"
-- Crow
----
"One moment, please,
ladies and gentlemen,
I've just been handed a
teletype. Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain has
just addressed
Parliament, and I quote
his exact words,
Quote:..."
"HHEEEELLLLPPPP!"
-- MST3K
----
"OK, new rule. No white people. Must take hard
line on this, no exceptions. Take memo."
-- Joel
----
"Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this."
-- Tom Servo
----
"Good luck, Pumpkin Boy."
-- Tom Servo
----
"This man must have lead a
very full and active
life..."
"...'cause there's a
squirrel in his
stomach."
-- MST3K
----
"As far as I'm concerned, after 100 years carrion
becomes memorabilia."
[Maurice on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I try to know what I need to know. I make sure to
know what I want to know."
-- Nero Wolfe
----
"Usenet is not a right."
"Usenet is a right, a
left, a jab, and a sharp
uppercut to the jaw. The
postman hits! You have
new mail."
-- Ed Vielmetti & Chip Salzenberg
----
"One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the stupid
monster."
-- Crow
----
HE'S BREAKING UP, HE'S BREAKING UP:
"Remember Lincoln, going to his kness in times of
trial and the civil war and all that stuff. You
can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry
for - don't cry for me, Argentina."
-- George Bush, 1/15, Dover, New
Hampshire
----
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may
be violent and original in your work."
-- JIHAD, Clive Barker
----
*[WANTED]*
$10,000 reward.
Scrodinger's Cat.
DEAD OR ALIVE
-- Nicholas Weaver
----
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:
Bush now understands
Why Teenage Ninja Turtles
Just stick to pizza.
-- wo...@mhuxd.att.com
----
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:
Bush-san slumps and falls.
Was it broccoli sushi?
The vomit thing, live.
-- wo...@mhuxd.att.com
----
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:
I beg, I pander,
I let them win at tennis.
But later I gag.
-- wo...@mhuxd.att.com
----
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION:
Bush goes to Japan.
Looses tennis, lunch and face.
Winter of vomit.
-- wo...@mhuxd.att.com
----
"I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not
going."
[Avon from BLAKE'S SEVEN]
----
"I must say, though, that I wonder
how many of you support the use of
cats for scientific research?"
"We tried it once but the cats really
weren't up to it, bad writing skills
and few worthy PHD's among them. I
don't think any of them actually got
tenure, which is sort of sad."
-- Barry Shein
----
"It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man."
-- Jack Handey
----
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that
it is not important that you understand what I'm
doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so."
-- Bizarro
----
"How does he do it,
Smithers?"
"He's a love machine,
sir."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"If you wanted to make Sarok the Preparer cry,
well, mission accomplished."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"The more things stay, the more they change the sane."
-- Dave Sim
----
"WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!"
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
----
"Push the button, Frank."
[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
----
"Their technology must be light years ahead of
ours. Their use of stock is amazing."
-- Tom Servo
----
"Out of the sprawling
millions of the Earth, a
handful escaped all harm
through fortune or
design."
"Oh, like Neil Bush!"
-- MST3K
----
"Oh, everything's evil to you! Can't you just give
it a chance?"
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"You know, there's nothing like being in a gunfight
with 600 pounds of high test nitro rocket fuel on
your back."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before,
and this isn't it."
-- Tom Servo
----
"ROGER! THIS IS GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!"
-- Tom Servo
----
"Tonight, the fish sleep with Lucca Brazzi!"
-- Tom Servo
----
"Sister, that dress is headed for trouble, and it's
taking you with it."
-- Crow
----
"There's the Nuge. Locked, stocked, and ready to
rock."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"Walk quietly among other men, but know their
power, for they are your enemies. Quietly crush
them as you work diligently through the night.
Pay attention to the man behind the curtain, for
he is your ally. Drink deeply and lustily from
the foamy draught of evil. Uh, do it to the other
guy before he does it to you...and be bad to the
bone, won't you?"
-- Dr. Forrester, MST3K
----
"Hard to take anyone with a flannel skullcap
seriously."
-- Tom Servo
----
"Oh great, welcome to Plot Convenience Playhouse."
-- Tom Servo
----
"A little horse for a
little monkey."
"Hey, he'll have himself
on his back."
-- MST3K
----
"Oh, you're just gettin' weird...and that results
in creativity."
-- Joel, MST3K
----
"You see? This is why we don't let teenagers in
our hotel anymore. This kind of stuff."
-- Crow
----
"Yeah, you've got spunk. I hate spunk!"
[Lou Grant, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.]
----
"Very useful; now I can brown-nose myself."
-- Frank, MST3K
----
"This is rich: `Bad
command or filename.'
They expect you to be a
machine to operate this
machine."
"And I suppose you prefer
a little animated clown
who would juggle over to
the little file cabinet
and then wink at you and
point to the right
drawer."
-- MST3K
----
"I'm Miles Standish and I'll be back to pick you up
later. Ha ha!"
-- Tom Servo
----
"Hi, Tom Servo here with a Turkey Day fact here at
Comedy Central. Hey, did you know that Puritans
used to beat up Quakers? Ha ha ha. It's true. Back
after this."
[Tom Servo, MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000]
----
"Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys are filled with
enough L-Tryptophan to knock you on your sorry
Thanksgiving ass."
-- Tom Servo
----
"Turkey Fact Number 12: Turkeys would rather walk
through an electric fan than around it. Ha ha.
They're just stupid."
-- Crow
----
"He drinks his tea at Al's cafe'
And flies along on wires;
He beats up crooks and flies with hooks
And puts out forest fires."
-- "Commander Cody: Enemy Planet",
MST3K
----
"HEY! They're going to the Turd Museum."
-- Crow
----
"Wild Rebels Cereal: part
of this complete
breakfast."
"Hey! There's a cheap
surprise inside!"
"I got a gun!"
"I got a sawed off pool
cue with a leather
strap!"
"I got a chunk of hose
filled with lead shot!"
-- MST3K
----
"It's Wild Rebels Cereal,
the nutritious cereal
that's like getting hit
in the back of the head
with a surfboard of
flavor."
"Look! Marshmallow
Fatties!"
"Sugary Lindas!"
"I got tangy, twangy
Banjos!"
"Crunchy Oat Rods!"
-- MST3K
----
THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS:
What They Say:
"Displays excellent intuitive judgement."
What They Mean:
"Knows when to disappear."
-- ro...@microsoft.COM
----
THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEERING REVIEWS:
What They Say:
"Excels in sustaining concentration while avoiding
confrontations."
What They Mean:
"Ignores everyone."
-- ro...@microsoft.COM
----
"A friend is someone you call to help you move. A
best friend is someone you call to help you
move... a body."
[?]
----
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller
Is It Better to Be Single or Married??:
"It gives me a headache to think about that
stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble."
-- Will, 7
----
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller:
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going
to find me a wife!"
-- Bert, 5
----
KIDS TALK ABOUT LOVE by David Heller:
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have
enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her
own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos
of the wedding."
-- Allan, 10
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- December 4th
"French astronomers report that a vast,
hitherto-unknown galaxy at the very edge of
the universe has been purchased by Japanese
investors."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 30th
"In politics, the name `Mario' becomes a
source of vast amusement for the White House
brain trust, especially spokesperson Marlin
Fitzwater, who is apparently unaware that
his own name is `Marlin Fitzwater.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 24th
"In what is seen by political observers as
yet another indication of White House
indecision, President Bush signs the new
civil-rights bill into law, then vetoes it,
then calls a press conference to angrily
deny that he has called a press conference."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 16th
"Faced with a choice between David Duke and
Edwin Edwards, Louisiana voters, in a
heartwarming demonstration of common sense
and good old-fashioned American decency,
move to Ohio."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- November 5th
"Concern grips the White House when
Pennsylvania voters, in a Senate race that
is seen by many as a referendum on the Bush
presidency, vote overwhelmingly to secede
from the union."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 19th
"David Duke, having undergone successful
cosmetic surgery to have four of his
original six legs removed, wins a slot in
the Louisiana gubernatorial runoff race with
a campaign based on coded racial appeals,
similar to the Willie Horton ad, but more
subtle."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- October 10th
"In the ongoing nomination hearings, Clarence
Thomas accuses the Senate Judiciary
Committee of being white men, a charge that
appears accurate in every case except that
of Sen. Kennedy, who looks more like a giant
suit-wearing tomato."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 27th
"The Senate Judiciary Committee concludes
Round One of the Clarence Thomas hearings
and votes unanimously to reconvene in
October `for the purpose of behaving like
the most flagrant collection of dorks on the
planet.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 12th
"Under intensive questioning by Judiciary
Committee Democrats, Clarence Thomas claims
that at one time he did have an opinion, but
his dog ate it."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- September 7th
"The Senate Judiciary Committee begins its
hearings into the Supreme Court nomination
of Clarence Thomas, who, in his opening
statement, notes that, in addition to coming
from Humble Origins, he has been paying his
dues as a federal judge for nearly 18 entire
months and is ready for the Big Enchilada."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 23rd
"In a sweeping post-coup reform move,
Gorbachev abolishes the Communist Party and
fires thousands of entrenched, hard-line
Kremlin bureaucrats, all of whom are
immediately hired by the Internal Revenue
Service."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- August 22nd
"The Soviet coup collapses when thousands of
Moscow citizens, in a dramatic confrontation
with Red Army tank units, realize that the
tank engines have all been traded to Italy
for cheese."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 18th
"True Item: A Canadian psychiatrist releases
a report, based on autopsies, stating that
as men get older, their brains shrink a lot,
while women's brains don't. This is believed
to be the first scientific explanation of
golf."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 14th
"A scandal begins to burgeon in Washington
when a sharp-eyed federal investigator
happens to walk into the Bank of Credit and
Commerce International to buy a money order
and notices a sign that says `Ask About Our
Covert Sale of American Arms to Iran!'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 10th
"The president of Procter & Gamble,
responding to years of allegations that its
corporate logo contained satanic symbolism,
calls a press conference to announce that he
can rotate his head 360 degrees."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- July 1st
"President Bush, who is totally against
racial quotas, discovers to his amazement
that of all the possible candidates to
replace Thurgood Marshall, who is black, the
most qualified person is Clarence Thomas,
who, in what White House doctors say is a
one in 984 hillion jillion vermilion
coincidence, ALSO happens to be black
(although, miraculously, he does NOT have
Graves' disease). In his first news
conference as nominee, Thomas reveals that
he was born in Humble Origins, Ga., and grew
up so poor that he could never afford to
have an opinion."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- June 29th
"True Item: The only version of Colombia's
proposed new constitution, which is being
written on a computer, is completely wiped
out when a technician accidentally erases
it."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- April 21st
"Ending 159 years of tradition, members of
Yale's exclusive and highly secretive Skull
and Bones Club vote to stop wearing women's
underwear."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 11th
"True item: During a presidential visit to a
Virginia school, a skeptical third-grader
refuses to believe that George Bush is who
he says he is until the President produces
his driver's license."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- March 3rd
"Shocked at the devastation they find in
Kuwait, the allies begin a massive
humanitarian airlift of emergency
replacement gold plumbing fixtures for the
royal palace. A grateful world learns that
members of the Kuwaiti royal family have
escaped injury despite being just 2,000
miles from the thick of the fighting,
trapped in European hotels with only minimal
polo facilities."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 27th
"James Brown is released from prison after
agreeing to let his parole board sing
backup."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 25th
"Hopes are aroused for an early end to the
ground war when 3,500 Iraqi troops surrender
to an allied portable field toilet."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 23rd
"The long-awaited land war finally begins as
Allied troops storm into Iraq."
February 24th
"Allied troops, after checking their maps,
realize that they have stormed all the way
THROUGH Iraq. They hastily turn around and
storm back."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- February 7th
"True Item: In Keithville, La., as many as 50
people, including sheriff's deputies, game
wardens and wildlife officials, spend most
of the night trying to rescue what appears
to be a black bear caught high in a pine
tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours,
during which a veterinarian fired a number
of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers chop the
tree down and discover that they have saved
a heavily sedated black garbage bag."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 25th
"A huge oil slick begins spreading outward
from Kuwait, threatening vast ecological
damage to the Gulf region. Aerial
reconnaissance reveals the shocking cause:
The Iraqis, in flagrant disregard of
international law and environmental
standards, have chartered the Exxon Valdez."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 16th
"War erupts in the Middle East as massive
allied air forces attack Iraq with extremely
sophisticated computerized weapons capable
of hitting, with pinpoint accuracy, any
target except Saddam Hussein."
January 17th
"The Iraqi air force, rising to the
challenge, flies to Iran."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 12th
"Haiti goes 36 straight hours without having
a coup. The United Nations sends an
inspection team to find out what's wrong."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 10th
"With war now apparently inevitable, the
nation is swept by a patriotic fervor as
grim-faced yellow-ribbon manufacturers
prepare to make huge profits and somber
advertising executives labor far into the
night producing emergency combat-related
Miller Lite commercials."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1991 IN REVIEW -- January 1st
"The new year dawns with Iraqi dictator
Saddam Hussein arrogantly thumbing his nose
at international law. Little does this
homicidal bully realize that, although he is
riding high now, before the year is over, he
will be, um, almost a year older."
----
Selections from TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR
IS A SERIAL KILLER:
10. Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying
squirrels!"
6. Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at
yard sales
5. Always says, "Let's see what else is on"
whenever AMERICA'S MOST WANTED starts
4. You feel perfectly happy after killing one
person, but he insists on killing more
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN THE NEW
MADONNA MOVIE _TRUTH OR DARE_:
10. Was kicked out of "Up With People" as a
teenager for grabbing herself during
halftime show
9. We think that maybe she sometimes dyes her
hair
8. She invented the auto air freshener
5. Metal brassiere handy for opening long-neck
Buds
3. Warren Beatty is only four foot ten
1. She once slept with Nancy Reagan
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU
KICKED OUT OF IRAQ'S REPUBLICAN GUARD:
10. Giggling during story time
9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are
those Bugle Boy jeans?"
7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping
your gun and screaming like a woman
5. Comments like "Wow! That Hussein guy is
nuts!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN _ROCKY V_:
9. Eight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen
8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father
7. Rocky's new manager Fred MacMurray puts
Flubber in Rocky's gloves; Rocky knocks
opponent to Mars
6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn.
5. Rocky goes back into the ring and fights a
younger, stronger opponent and even though
he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him,
Rocky digs down and musters all the courage
and heart he can, and -- you'll never
believe this -- wins anyway!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT BORIS
YELTSIN:
8. Can start up a jukebox just by rapping it
with his fist
7. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish
3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume at Red
Square McDonald's
2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile
1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE ZACHARY
TAYLOR AUTOPSY:
10. Had bottle caps and a license plate in his
stomach
8. Pockets stuffed with little soaps you get
free from motels
6. Let's just say Mrs. Taylor was a very lucky
woman
4. Currently has better memory than Reagan
2. There's some cocktail waitress in there with
him
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS FOR
TAMPERED-WITH SUDAFED:
9. Comes in regular nonfatal, and now new fatal!
4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got
nothing to worry about
3. Sudafed -- take me away!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Oh, dear. A vicar in trouble. I suppose it's the
choirboys again. I always think the Church runs a
terrible risk having choirboys. They'd be far
safer with a lot of middle-aged lady sopranos."
[Uncle Tom, from John Mortimer's RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY series]
----
"As I always say, murder is nothing more than
common assault, with unfortunate consequences."
-- Rumpole
----
"Look, old sweetheart. Is
it archaic to believe in
some sort of equality of
the sexes?"
"Equality? You're into
equality?"
"For God's sake, yes!
Give you equal pay,
certainly. Let you be
all-in wrestlers and Lord
Chancellor. By all
means! I'll even make
the supreme sacrifice and
give up my seat in the
bus... But you're asking
for women witnesses to be
more equal than any other
witnesses!"
-- Rumpole
----
"I will stand up in Court for absolutely any
underprivileged person in the world. Provided
they've got Legal Aid!"
-- Rumpole
----
"I thank heaven for small mercies. The first of
these is Rumpole."
-- Clive James
----
"Well, it's obvious to me that the EYE OF MONGOMBO
is not what the public wants! I will concede to
the majority; I am a reasonable man! *I QUIT FUCK
YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU*!!!"
[More endearments from the author of THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"Don't screw around with our trademarks, little
man. Love, WB"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"Face it, no one with the least bit of sense goes
running around in the worst part of town wearing a
cape and tights! He's a *maniac*! Either that or
he's a fairy!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"That is one of the Laws of Usenet, up there with
`You can tell when a Usenet discussion is getting
old when someone drags out Hitler and the Nazis.'"
-- David Goldfarb
----
"...OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*,
because while you were gone the electronics
industry came up with an even newer format that
makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as
technologically advanced as toenail dirt. This
format is called `3.5 hectare' and it will not be
made available until it is outmoded, sometime
early next week, by a format called `Elroy', so
*order yours now*."
-- Dave Barry
----
"The masses seem to me worthy of notice in only
three respects: first as blurred copies of great
men, produced on bad paper with worn plates,
further as a resistance to the great, and finally
as the tools of the great; beyond that, may the
devil and statistics take them"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
----
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CHRISTMAS
SPECIALS:
10. The Manson Family Christmas
8. 'Santa' is an Anagram for 'Satan'
6. The Stocking of Death
5. Scream 'til You Get a Nintendo
1. Sing The Praises of the Lord with Roseanne Barr
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"There are two kinds of people in the world: Those
with loaded guns, and those who dig."
[THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY]
----
"Get back to work! You're laborers, you're
supposed to be laboring! That's what you get for
not having an education."
[?]
----
"Qualifications?"
"Rape, murder, arson, and
rape."
"You said rape twice."
"I like rape."
-- BLAZING SADDLES
----
"What about all that talk
about screwing up future
events, space time
continium?"
"Well, I figured... what
the hell."
[BACK TO THE FUTURE sequel which I can't remember]
----
Selections from TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR LOSING THE
DOG SHOW:
10. Mistaken in assumption that there would be
chance to show off talent for drinking from
toilet
9. Thought I saw the little chuckwagon
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be a Cycle Two
dog when I'm really Cycle Three
5. My lifelong battle with problem drool
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg
2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let *him*
stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get
touched by a stranger in a bad suit
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN DUTIES OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II:
10. Gets to throw the first punch at soccer riots
9. Appears in TV ads for London Radio Shacks
3. Must chase, kill, and consume barn rats
2. Kick the queen of Sweden's ass in croquet
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK:
7. Four words: Regis and Kathy Lee
6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouses
allows you to skip out on check
5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking
nice
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"And that marvelous moment
when you switched from
color to black and white,
to show the bleakness of
human existence."
"Actually we ran out of
money and had to buy
cheaper film."
[Benny Hill, if you can believe it.]
----
"Now I have shown him the way... That a man with
no hope is a man with no fear."
[DAREDEVIL]
----
"You see, my parents taught me a different lesson
as they laid there dying in the street. The world
doesn't make sense unless you force it."
[THE DARK KNIGHT]
----
"I wrote WATCHMEN as the tombstone of superhero
comics, not to revitalize them."
-- Alan Moore
----
"Oh flibbidy floo! In *my day*, we didn't have
these fool-proof, safety-tested transporters.
No! We risked vaporized death every time we
stepped in that little circle! And we *liked* it!
We *loved* it! In *my day*, we didn't have any
poofy peace treaties with the Klingons. No! We
bashed foreheads every time we met 'til one of us
had brains oozing out our skulls and we had to get
them scooped back in with a spoon. And we *liked*
it! We *loved* it! In *my day* we didn't have any
of this Prime Directive namby pamby. We just
barged right in and started blasting away with our
Phasers whenever we got in trouble. So what if we
doomed some planet's population? It was our hides
on the line! We *liked* it! We *loved* it! "
"I guess we were just a bunch of vaporized,
brainless morons playing God with the future of
any race we felt like. Well we *liked* it. We
*loved* it! Flibbidy floo!"
-- Derryl Dean DePriest
----
"If this screen looks blurred, or otherwise out of
focus, get a life."
-- Derryl Dean DePriest
----
"Pat's going to win in '92. I'll see to it. I
don't care where I have to break into."
-- G. Gordon Liddy
----
Selections from TOP TEN BIOENGINEERING PROJECTS IN
DEVELOPMENT:
9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after
being flattened by Mack truck
8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley
7. Squids that wait for the cable guy
6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play
poker so you could just photograph them
instead of buying one of those fancy novelty
paintings
4. Cocoa Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook
on life
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN WORDS USED LEAST IN THE BIBLE:
10. Perky
9. Fudge-a-licious
8. Rootin'-tootin'
5. Mall Bunny
2. *BOINNNNG!*
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS BUSH COULD BLOW IT IN
'92:
7. Guest-stars on `Matlock': shoots Andy
Griffith in face
6. It is revealed he bet against the U.S. in
the Gulf War
2. Gets careless about secret family in West
Virginia
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST EXCITING SUPERPOWERS
FOR COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROES:
9. Lightening-fast mood swings
6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
1. Magnetic colon
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE
COLONIES:
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got
carried away
8. Colonists on steroids
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw
squirrel meat and whiskey.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for
our swishy inbred monarch!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Conan! What is best in
life?"
"Krraash yor animees. See
dam driffen bafore you,
ant heer da lamentations
uff deir wimmen."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
Selections from TOP 10 NEW CIA AD SLOGANS:
10. "When you care to assassinate the very best."
9. "This is not your father's OSS."
6. "The CIA: We have a new slogan, but we
can't tell you what it is."
1. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, New
World Orders don't upset us."
-- The Washington Post
----
"Much though I love the Archie books, there is no
better way to find out when a `hip' trend is dead
than when it shows up in Archie."
-- Dan Parmenter
----
Rejected ABC AfterSchool Specials:
o The Day the Gym Teacher Cried.
o The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot.
o Hiking with Sam Kinison.
o Parents Are Just Dummies, Anyway.
o Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem
Flatulence.
-- t-r...@microsoft.COM
----
"We have the most [thorough] test guy in the
world... [I showed him this program and he asked,]
'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'"
-- Rob Kolstad
----
"Those Macintoshes aren't the cute little boxes you
think they are."
-- Elizabeth Zwicky
----
"That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is
it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's
all there."
-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
----
"Watch television, because you don't know what it
will do if you leave it in the room alone."
-- John M. Ford, aka Dr. Mike
----
"One could not be a successful scientist without
realizing that, in contrast to the popular
conception supported by newspapers and mothers of
scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not
only narrow-minded and dull, but also just
stupid."
-- J. D. Watson, THE DOUBLE HELIX
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE HAVEN'T
BEEN ANY TOP 10 LISTS ON LETTERMAN
8. Writers are heartsick over the cancellation
of "Good and Evil"
6. "I thought *YOU* had the Top Ten lists"
5. Dave's dog ate them
1. Slight mishap with the "Flame-Thrower Cam" --
entire staff wiped out.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"'All we are are monkeys with car keys.'"
[Grandma Ed on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great
ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows
up the bonfire."
-- La Rochefoucauld
----
"The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's Catholic
directive, intended to slow down their loss of
martyrs."
[Ellen Blackstone]
----
"America is a country with one hand on the Bible
and the other on its pud."
[Blodget and Dumm, SHOOTY BEAGLE]
----
"Personally, I think people paying $4,000 to get
their pictures taken with George Bush already have
enough problems."
-- David Sarasohn
----
"Why did I give him Barbera Streisand's ego?"
[QUANTUM LEAP]
----
"Careful, men -- he wets his pants."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"That's the movies, Ed;
try reality."
"No, thanks."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"We have big plans for
you, Homey."
"Yeah, well, I like what
you did with Arsenio."
[IN LIVING COLOR]
----
"`My Country, Right Or
Wrong', eh?"
"There are worse
philosophies."
"Yes; most of them begin
with that."
[One of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite episodes of STAR COPS]
----
"Heap on more wood! -- the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will,
We'll keep our Christmas merry still."
[?]
----
"Your superior intellect is no match for our puny
weapons!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Having long been concerned about the problem of
exploding cows, it seemed imperative to pass on to
you the enclosed advertisement, the importance
of which I am sure will be immediately apparent to
you."
-- Judge John Paul Stevens
----
Selections from CLARENCE THOMAS' TOP TEN FAVORITE
MOVIE RENTALS
10. Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch
9. Orgy in the Court
6. Twelve Angry Men and A Really Hot Cheerleader
3. Red Hot Stuff Conservatives are Supposed to
be Against
2. Dances Without Briefs
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Asked to look over the list of software purchased
by the KGB, one American security expert
concluded: `The Russians were rooked.' The KGB
paid several thousand dollars for a word
processor, called GNU Emacs, which is widely
distributed free in western universities."
-- THE ECONOMIST
----
"I envy the ease with which other people make use
of the amenities ... by which I mean everything
from sex to playing the jukebox"
-- Eddie Campbell
----
Jeff Meyer
section of heaven. It looks a whole lot like the
stacks at the Multnomah County Library. Winged
librarians help you find the book you want. The
sun shines in the tall windows. The people there
are quiet, but you can see their spirits shining."
-- Ursula K. Le Guin
----
"I am the janitor of God."
[From THE FISHER KING]
----
"Serves the umpires right! Now we all have to miss
the Tony Franciosa Film Festival on Channel 9
tonight for this!"
[Whoah! It's the mighty wrath of FLAMING CARROT!]
----
"Hey! Stupid umpires! Hey, who's buried in Grant's
Tomb?"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"HERE I COME TO SAVE THE
DAY!"
"Oh! Here! Just a darn
minute now!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Hey! Come back! We want
to SURRENDER!"
"Sorry! Too busy holding
on for dear life to
accept surrender!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"ONWARD MEN! To VICTORY.. or UNCONSCIOUSNESS!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"I overpowered them!... I glued skis all over them
because I could not find rope or handcuffs in this
room!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"I've met a lot of kings, and emperors and heads of
state in my time Joshua. I've met them all. And
you know something? I think I liked *you* best."
[A very nice conclusion to a SANDMAN one-shot]
----
"Things may look grim for
*us*, but *nothing* is
grim for... STUPENDOUS
MAN! Champion of
Liberty! Foe of
Tyranny!"
"I'm going to get in bed
now and avoid the rush."
[Where else? CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I told them, `Hey, watch it! This is my wife's
tank!'"
[Crazy (and now non-single) Ron Post in THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
----
"So I killed them all with a jelly sandwich I had
in my pocket."
[THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
----
"The real thrill is the chase! Zoomin' down the
road, tryin' to outrun an ICBM with your name on
it... Ahh... Now, that's entertainment!"
[THOSE ANNOYING POST BROTHERS]
----
"I may be insane but I've kept my figure."
[SHADE, THE CHANGING MAN]
----
"She has a house?"
"She has lots of things,
although she seldom has
much use for them. You
should see her floppy
hat collection."
[SANDMAN]
----
"And Herakles was *full* of it. He just got dead
drunk for a couple of weeks in Phyrgia and told
everyone he'd been to the land of the dead."
[SANDMAN]
----
"By 1926, when librarians surveyed young readers'
tastes, they found to their disgust that Tom Swift
was on 98 percent of their students' reading
lists."
-- Smithsonian magazine
----
Selections from THE TOP TEN PROVISIONS IN THE LOIS
LANE/SUPERMAN PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT:
10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen
8. He has to clean up after his own super dog
5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go
back and put toilet seat down
2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the
Plaza Hotel
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Why, I even heard the secret of the universe was
printed in one issue of 'Grit', but nobody ever
read the damn thing."
-- Major Honey
----
"To consider persons and events and situations only
in the light of their effect upon myself is to
live on the doorstep of Hell."
-- Thomas Merton
----
BEST PORTLAND PROTEST CHANT:
"Bad cop. No donut! Bad cop. No donut!"
[From a friend, Ellen Eades]
----
"Absolute. Absolutely absolute. Absolutely
positively definitely absolute!"
-- Prof. Sacks of Harvard
----
"I brought this book today... a wonderful book.
Because I wrote it.... How much do you think this
book costs? $60? $70? Nah. $90. And $130 in
Japan."
-- Prof. Sacks of Harvard
----
"[Peter Greenaway] doesn't strike me as the sort of
artist who could resist the idea of lakes of
shit."
-- Peter Reiher
----
"`Dear Mr. Silverberg: Keep this woman away from me
or I'll draft you. I can do that, you know; I'm
the President.'"
[MURPHY BROWN]
----
"Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi)
using Roman numerals."
-- Henry Spencer
----
"They asked Arnie if he would be interested in
shaving his head and being painted blue and he
said 'Sure, if it made sense'. I think he could do
it. He has a degree. He has a German accent."
-- Alan Moore (paraphrased) on Arnold
Schwarzenegger playing Dr. Manhattan in a
film adaptation of WATCHMEN
----
"Eldon... do you think
I'll make a good mother?"
"No -- but I will!"
[MURPHY BROWN]
----
"It's not that the band's becoming less popular,
just that its audience is becoming more
selective."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
----
"Obviously I'd feel a lot worse if I wasn't under
such heavy sedation."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
----
"They're quite fearful, actually. We're on stage
and we have armadillos in our trousers."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
----
"'My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My
Mother drunk or sober.' "
-- G. K. Chesterton
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE
REC.ARTS.SF-LOVERS REORG WAS NULLIFIED:
9. Trekkies mind melded with Spaf, gained
control of him (and The Sacred Lists)!
7. "I survived the great sf-lovers reorg"
t-shirts delayed 6 months anyways
6. Libya, Iraq, and the PLO all pledged their
support of the reorg (16-Y ballots from each)
5. USENet Olympics pre-empted sf-lovers
coverage in news.groups
2. Mike Brown threatened to post his Program
Guide _AGAIN_
-- Allan Schaffer
----
"Brought to you by IBM, because we're sick of all
this complacency."
-- Scott Forbes
----
"Coming up: Tape delay highlights from Beating a
Dead Horse!"
-- Scott Forbes
----
Selections from "Things I'd like to see the TV Flash
do":
10) Start taking speed.
8) Moon every person in the face at a NY Giants
game within 10 minutes.
2) Deliver piping hot Domino's pizza.
-- Shelley Louie
----
High Concept Reviews:
THE PHILADEPHIA EXPERIMENT STORY:
To keep his ex-wife (Katherine Hepburn) from
marrying an up-and-coming politician (Ronald
Reagan) in 1943, a scientist (Cary Grant) sends
her into the future to see what the consequences
of the marriage would be. AAN to James Stewart
as the PEOPLE reporter who follows her around in
1982.
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
THE THING MAN:
Science Fiction thriller about group of
scientists and soldiers stationed at the North
Pole who uncover an extremely urbane, witty
married alien couple frozen in ice (with their
pet Wookie, Rastah) who, when revived, feed on
plasma. Happy ending where pig blood from a
local kosher deli is used to satisfy Nrrk and
Nrrr-a's appetites is a nice touch.
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
HIGHLANDER NOON:
Just when an immortal sheriff is planning to
settle down with the local Quaker wench, three
guys with swords show up on the noon stage,
intending to cut his head off. Slow story, but
made famous by the hit song, "Do Not Behead Me
Oh My Darling."
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
GODZILLA IS MY CO-PILOT:
Flag-waver about Navy test pilot who is
convinced that a giant radioactive lizard will
bail him out if he has plane troubles. Pretty
maudlin, and the finale where Godzilla gets help
for the flyboy after a crash is a direct ripoff
from almost any LASSIE episode.
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD:
James Bond tires of international intrigue and
cosmopolitan living, turns in his double-O
license and moves to a small town in the deep
South, living as a hermit known as Arthur "Boo"
Radley. But when a group of sadistic bigots
threaten the daughter of a local attorney, Bond
straps on his Walther PPK and wipes out the
entire Alabama Klan. Very satisfying film for
liberals. Special mentions: Ken Adams' set
design for the huge launch pad (hidden beneath a
cyprus swamp) used to launch a burning cross
into orbit; and Olivia D'Abo as "Scout" Finch.
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
A FRIGHT NIGHT AT THE OPERA:
A vampire (Sig Rumann) moves next door to the
New York Metropolitan Opera company, and
attempts to seduce it's financial benefactor
(Margaret Dumont), but is thwarted by an ex-game
show host (Groucho Marx), his Italian manager,
and a mute vampire hunter. Famous for Groucho's
"My, what big teeth you have, Grandma!" line,
and the classic scene with 20 people cooped up
in a coffin.
[moi]
----
High Concept Reviews:
NATIONAL BLUE VELVET:
The story of a girl training her horse for the
Grand Nationals in an odd American town.
Academy Award nomination to Dennis Hopper as her
rather moody trainer.
[moi]
----
New hit show on Soviet TV:
EIGHT ISN'T ENOUGH
-- Matt Crawford
----
"Well, as long as there's sex and drugs, I could do
without the rock 'n roll."
----
"Hi. I'm subbing for Cliff Stoll on this panel, and
will be ready to do so just as soon as I drink a
case of Jolt Cola and stick my finger in an
electric socket"
-- Tom Galloway
----
Review of SWITCH:
"If *I* turned into a woman, at least I'd be a
sensible dresser."
-- Dave Chalmers
----
"Hell, boy, of COURSE not!
But I've had eight times
as much experience as she
has! No one can do the
job as good as me!"
"Although there has been
*remarkable* progress
with trained baboons."
[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
----
"What *one* moment do you
remember the most
clearly? What single
incident haunts you?"
"Recalling how
unaesthetic the Captain
looked with pointed ears
and arched eyebrows."
[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
----
"Uh, Bruce... who're you
talking to?"
"A holographic image of a
man only I can see."
"Cool. Does he look like
Dean Stockwell?"
[Peter David's HULK]
----
"You've survived and
truimphed over incredible
odds! So what does that
make *you*?"
"Damned lucky."
"Damned RIGHT!"
[Dr. McCoy talks about heroes with Ryker in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
----
"...Well, frankly, you
look like hell. I'd
heard Vulcans looked
*better* at your age!"
"Indeed. And it was *my*
understanding that
humans were generally
dead at your age."
"Oooh! How sharper than a
serpent's tooth is the
wit of a senile Vulcan!"
[Peter David reunites Spock and McCoy in ST:TNG THE MODULA IMPERATIVE]
----
"To avoid slow performance, Apple suggests that the
amount of virtual memory you select be less than
the system RAM."
-- INFOWORLD
----
I'm going to heaven, boys, when I die
'Cause I've crossed every "t" and dotted every "i"
My preacher tells me that I'm God's kind of guy
That's why Jesus loves me - but you're gonna fry
-- Austin Lounge Lizards
----
From OREGON WILDLIFE magazine:
"Oregon big game regulations for 1991 bear, deer,
elk, and squirrel general seasons have just been
announced..."
----
"You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you
can't sit on it for very long."
-- Boris Yeltsin
----
Billboard seen outside of Anne Arbor:
WELCOME HOME
GORBY!
---------------------------
Next Time Vacation Michigan
----
[in a thick Russian
accent]:
"Help, I've fallen from
power and I can't get
up!"
"OK, Mr. Gorbachev, we've
called your immediate
family and the major
Western heads of state
and help is on the way."
-- CIMX
----
"Hello. My name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die."
"Hello. My name is Bruce
Wayne. You killed my
father. Prepare to die."
"Hello. My name is
Hamlet. You killed my
father and married my
mother. Should I do
something about it or
not?"
"Hello. My name is
Oedipus. I killed my
father and married my
mother. Prepare to be
grossed out as I rip
out my eyes."
-- Tom Galloway
----
"I am of pliant, supple whalebone made,
And you are glue; the insults that you hurl
Bounce off my buoyant frame and stick to you!"
-- ROMEO & JULIET, V iii 420-423,
THE BOOK OF SEQUELS
----
"Are you sure there are no hidden cameras up
there?"
-- Arizona Rep. Don Kinney, while
stuffing $55,000 into a gym bag
----
"BBC is the best!"
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, discussing
the radio news he listened to
while under house arrest
----
"You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped
naked, hopped on your face, and started wiggling!"
-- C. Stanley
----
"Typos in FINNEGANS WAKE? How could you tell?"
-- Kim Stanley Robinson
----
RECENT HEADLINE:
Pee Wee Yanks Wee Wee, CBS Yanks Pee Wee
[Pete Bellas]
----
One thing you can say for PeeWee Herman - at least
he wasn't talking during the movie.
[?]
----
Q: What's the difference
between a quantum
mechanic and an auto
mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic
can get his car into the
garage without opening
the door.
-- David Kra
----
"Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice
President -- and I will be -- there will be
contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to
go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm
going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?"
-- Dan Quayle
----
"If God had wanted us to vote, He would have given
us candidates."
[Barbara Hlavin?]
----
"Look, Mr. Jeffries, I'm not an educated woman, but
I can tell you one thing: when a man and a woman
see each other, and like each other, they oughta
come together -- WHAM! -- like two taxis on
Broadway."
-- REAR WINDOW
----
"Director Oliver Stone's movie THE DOORS is
basically JIM: THE LIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC MORON."
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
----
"Oliver Stone, who also cowrote THE DOORS, may very
well be America's favorite type of person: the
talent-free genius.... Oliver's movies have
messages like War is a bad scene and Poetry is
beautiful; I think he studied philosophy and
filmmaking with Gumby."
-- Libby Gelman-Waxner
----
Selections from 20 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN "STAR TREK":
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy
field of a type it has encountered several times
before.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy
attempts to interface to the Enterprise's
computer, only to find out that it has
forgotten to bring the right leads.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near
the Enterprise, but fortunately some other
ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
-- Graeme MacDonald
----
Selections from 20 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN "STAR TREK":
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly
superior alien intelligence which does not
put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly
inferior alien intelligence which they easily
pacify by offering it some sweeties.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his
high-ranking position for not being able to
understand the most basic nuances of about
one in three sentences that anyone says to
him.
-- Graeme MacDonald
----
"What is your name?"
"Sir Brian of Bell."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the Holy Grail."
"What are four lowercase
letters that are not
legal flag arguments to
the Berkeley UNIX version
of `ls'?"
"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
-- Mark-Jason Dominus
----
"This is no `Whoops'! This is an
`Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggggghhhh'!"
[TORCH SONG TRILOGY]
----
"I'm sure we can handle this like mature adults,
can't we, Mr. Poopy-Pants?"
[Lt. Frank Drebbin, Police Squad, in THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2]
----
"`Uncle Bob'?"
[T2]
----
"Hasta la vista, bay-bee."
[T2]
----
Selections from ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER'S TOP TEN REJECTED
MOVIE LINES (and read by Schwarzenegger):
10. My, what a lovely lacy doily.
8. Man-Oh-Man! Do I love fudge!
5. Can you please open this jar of olives for me?
4. Time to make the doughnuts, You Bastard!
3. Can you just let me keep the credit cards?
1. Who else loves show tunes?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Code Orange -- That's a kid running around with
his penis hanging out!"
-- YUMMY FUR # 24
----
Selections from the ENTRANCE EXAM FOR DL.HUMOR:
12. A Tandem sales rep, an IBM sales rep, and a DEC
sales rep are stuck on a desert island. Which
is the best way to end this joke?
a. The IBM rep drowns trying to <deleted> the DEC
rep.
b. The Tandem rep finds a way off the island
without the other two knowing.
c. The Tandem rep sells $3 million worth of orders
to the other two while they await rescue.
d. I'm pretty happy seeing as many sales reps
stuck on desert islands as possible.
-- Maddi Hausmann
----
Selections from TOP TEN PROPOSED IMPROVEMENTS FOR WORLD
LEAGUE AMERICAN FOOTBALL FOR 1992:
10. After ``big plays,'' pictures of players and
what they really do for a living.
7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.
6. Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.
3. Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."
-- Jim Carson
----
"THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO:
`I dunno. What do you wanna do?'"
-- Sharon O'Neil
----
"It is a sobering thought, for example, that when
Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two
years."
-- Tom Lehrer
----
"Congratulations, gentlemen. Thanks to the
diligence of the FBI, this particular vacuum
cleaner will never fall into the wrong hands."
[Howard Hughes in THE ROCKETEER]
----
"Oh, Mac! That's some
phallic symbolism! You
ARE a real man after
all!"
"Gosh! What a gun."
"He's already famous
for it."
[A Billy Nguyen version of the famous Charles Atlas ad, in the 1991 AMAZING
HEROES SWIMSUIT ISSUE]
----
"Stupidity is evil waiting to happen."
-- Clay Bond
----
Auditor: Person who goes in after the war is
lost and bayonets the wounded.
Lawyer: Person who goes in after the auditors
to strip the bodies.
[Author unknown at the University of Pennsylvania]
----
Engineer's Estimate: The cost of construction in
heaven.
[Author unknown at the University of Pennsylvania]
----
"This is not the 18th century. A bunch of hicks
with squirrel rifles can't provide a good model
for political action today."
-- Steve Cumming
----
"Far too many people these days have grown used to
boring, mass-produced cats, which may bounce with
health and nourishing vitamins but aren't a patch
on the good old cats you used to get."
-- Terry Pratchett, "The
Unadulterated Cat"
----
"If you see only one movie this year... you need to
get out more."
[The tag line for THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2]
----
"*Wait* *a* *minute*. *Wait* *a* *minute*."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"Just look at that. You proud of that sentence?
You want your mama and daddy to read that
sentence? You want your son or daughter to
trustingly come upon that sorry-ass sentence
someday buried way back deep in the public liberry
and have to say my daddy wrote that? My daddy
wrote that pore shitty sentence sitting there with
no more grain nor solace in it than a old damn
*half-cooked* *canned* *sleazy* *puffy-ass*
*artificial* *god* *damn* *depressing-looking*
*so-called* *biscuit*? Hunh? *Hunh?*"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"Whud I *tell* you, boy? You can't suck *no* blood
from a *dead* squirrel. *NAW!*"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"Gah, ah ahhhhhhd, *damn*."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"The devil can cite the Scriptures for his purpose;
but the eternal true devil can cite the Simpsons
for his purpose."
-- Roger X. Carasso
----
"The best sauce in the world is hunger; but the
best salad dressing is ranch or blue cheese."
-- Roger X. Carasso
----
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Then the dentists, then the has-beens who've
appeared on the Love Boat."
-- Roger X. Carasso
----
"Usenet is William Shatner and George Bush
trading places after being hit by lightning."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Drixel, draxel, drosel, drone. Time for this one
to come home."
[From a well-remembered children's cartoon which I can't remember the name of]
----
"USENET IS NEVER CRYPTIC."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Usenet moves at the speed of dark."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Usenet asks no questions, but gets many answers;
Usenet is the biggest pencil in the world. Usenet
is a sword whose blade is in Schenectady and whose
handle is everywhere."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Usenet is Frosty the Snowman comitting suicide
with a flamethrower."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Usenet is void where prohibited."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"Usenet is sans-serif but oblique."
-- James 'Kibo' Parry
----
"OK, here's another attitude: I think that people
who collect comix solely for financial reasons
have a separate level of Hell reserved for
themselves after they die. I don't know for sure,
but I'm trying to confirm it, because I plan to
contribute to the construction fees."
-- Moi, THE OPTIMISTIC STURGEON
----
"Someday some bruiser with arms like logs and
breath like stale bread is going to stand over you
and say, `Have you paid your dues, kid? Have you
paid your dues?' And when you're in a situation
like that, you just remember the words of old Jack
Burton. You just look him straight in the eye and
you tell him what Jack Burton always says in a
situation like that. 'Have I paid my dues? Hell
yes. The check's in the mail.'"
[BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA]
----
"I'm beginning to think that only stupid people can
be truly happy."
-- nomia
----
"Frats are these buildings where little boys go in,
and big assholes come out. Seems to violate that
conservation thing though."
-- talk.bizarre
----
"I mean, you don't seem
like a bad guy to me..."
"I don't, huh? I got a
death touch, an army of
killer robots and a
skull drawn on my chest
and I don't look like a
bad guy to you? I think
you could be in the
wrong business."
[ANIMAL MAN]
----
"Sacrificing yourself for a LAWYER? Time to
rethink your priorities, bub!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"This time, I TAKE NO PRISONERS, AND POST NO
BILLS!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"Some discoloration may occur after dying."
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"Hmm hmm hmmm.... Reality stinks. That's why I try
to improve on it whenever I can."
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"Nahhhh! Too safe and too sane!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"You call this a *trial*?! This is nothing but a
*kangaroo* *court* without the hoppy, furry guy!"
[THE FLASH (TV)]
----
"Yeah, well, I had to wear
special shoes when I was
a kid."
"Did they make fun of
you?"
"Nah... had poison blades
in the toes, just like
Rosa Klebb -- nobody
messed with me."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Now, I am not doing this for you, O'Connell; I am
doing this... for civilization!
Whattya say? Pretty please?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Ye Gods! annihilate but space and time, And make
two lovers happy."
-- Alexander Pope
----
"I hope the money men don't find out that I'd pay
them to let me do this."
-- David Lean
----
Selections from TOP 10 LIST OF SLOGANS TO PROMOTE
KEVORKIAN'S SUICIDE MACHINE:
10. Just try it once, that's all we ask.
9. The quicker putter-downer.
5. Claus Von Bulow says: 'I like it so much, I
bought the company.'
3. Dammit, it's time you did something for you!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"FACT: less than 10% of the psychiatrists in the US
are actually practicing cannibals."
-- Rod Johnson
----
"From a day when men knew how to design appliances
in a wind tunnel!"
-- Eyebeam
----
"Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was
incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as
Mike Tyson."
-- Fitchburg-Leominster Sentinel
and Enterprise
----
"It was just a horribly violent, brilliantly done,
pornographic movie."
-- Alistair Cooke re: I, CLAUDIUS
----
Selections from TOP 59 MISTAKES MADE BY
ADOLPH HITLER:
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo
attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has
twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?"
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy
haunted him constantly with war advice
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's
All Be There" as party slogan
1. Land War in Asia
-- Bear's_Class...@ub.cc.umich.edu
----
More selections from TOP 59 MISTAKES MADE BY
ADOLPH HITLER:
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough
Peter, Paul and Mary
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin
before invasion of Poland
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather
than ask U.S. for a little country place in
Hawaii
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for
conference calls
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian
fat back"
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
-- Bear's_Class...@ub.cc.umich.edu
----
"Portions of today's Twisted Radio are sponsored by
`Nut 'N Raisin Honey', the breakfast cereal for
impotent men."
-- KISW
----
Jeff Meyer
"Ah, well, I attended Julliard. I'm a graduate of
the Harvard Business School. I travel quite
extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and
had a pretty good time during that. I've seen THE
EXORCIST about 167 times, and it keeps gettin'
funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!!"
[BEETLEJUICE]
----
"I don't make monkeys, I just train 'em!"
[No idea -- they haven't published the answers to the movie quiz yet. :-) ]
----
"Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is
like asking a butcher 'exactly what DO you put in
this sausage'? "
-- Roy Blount Jr.
----
THE BURNING BUSH TALKS TO MOSES:
"This is hallowed ground -- take off those ugly
fucking Birkenstocks!"
-- Callahan
----
"Fellas, I don't recognise the right of this
committee to ask me these kind of questions. And
furthermore... you can all go fuck yourselves."
[THE FRONT]
----
"Nice legs....... for a human."
[Worf on STAR TREK:TNG]
----
"Don't make me use this."
"Oh, not the mime.
*Anything* but the
mime."
[THE FLASH]
----
"The Soviet viewers preferred ads in which it was
clear which product was being advertised -- a
sentiment heard increasingly in an industry whose
products have grown famously abstract. But unlike
native westerners of 25 years ago, the Russians --
weaned on propaganda and deeply distrustful of the
media -- were sceptical of the adverts' messages.
Their interpretations were often quite
sophisticated. A spot for Listerine mouthwash was
seen as a morality play where evil (bad breath)
was conquered by good (the product). And sensible:
a harried, carphone-toting yuppie was derided as
unstable, hyperactive and frivolous."
-- THE ECONOMIST, 3/23/91
----
Raymond Burr doing a spot for ALMOST LIVE!:
"I can't sign anything without my lawyer present.
Wait! I am my lawyer!"
[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
----
"`On [ALMOST LIVE!] there's very little of that
fruity acting-troupe quality' found in some
locally produced shows, notes [Ed] Wyatt.
`Possibly that's because we're incompetent.'"
[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
----
"`[ALMOST LIVE!] can't give you Sinead O'Connor',
[Bill] Nye concedes. `But we can give you more
jokes about Renton.'"
[Article about the local ALMOST LIVE! show in the Seattle Times]
----
"That's bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!"
[TRUE GRIT]
----
"It's a free country."
"Not for chickens, it
ain't"
[ANGEL HEART]
----
"Why don't you do
something about these
terrorists?"
"It's my lunch break."
[BRAZIL]
----
"Hello? Hello? This is your dictator speaking."
[MOON OVER PARADOR]
----
"You know, people might think you're cute, but me,
I think you're just one really large baked
potato."
[Sly Stallone in DEATH RACE 2000]
----
"What is that?"
"I don't know, but it's
pissed off and weird."
[Carpenter's version of THE THING]
----
"You can't hurt me. I always wear a bullet-proof
vest around the studio."
[HELLZAPOPIN']
----
"Oh, come on, Frank! The Thunderbird is nothin'
but a Beemer with a Yank decal."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"A census taker tried to quantify me once; I ate
his liver with some fava beans and a nice
chianti."
[The film version of THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS]
----
"My name is Bellows. Can
*I* ignore continuity,
too?"
"Oh, all right. But it
had better lead to
disaster."
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
----
"Won't you have a seat,
Lt. Sure?"
"Thank you, no. Standing
gives me the
psychological advantage,
I'm told. Why don't I
run my theory past you,
and see if anyone cares
to break down and
confess."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
----
"Geez! What a way to go! His broken, battered
body lying in a twisted heap out here in the
middle of this godforsaken hell-hole! Good
riddance!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"Just in case you were wondering -- *yes*, we do
have to do our own stunts!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"I've always wanted to make a baseball film.
American values, and all that crap. WAY too
boring, though."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
----
"Um, Hulk? Can we
talk to you for a
moment?"
"No! I'm tryin'
to watch the ball
game, here."
"FINE by me. Your
TV show bites."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
----
"Fashion Police, Albert. He's here to talk to you
about your lapels."
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
----
"A *movie*?"
"Gimme a
break!"
"STRAIGHT to
video!"
"Can we get Dolph
Lundgren to be in
it?"
"HEA-VEN'S GATE!"
[DAMAGE CONTROL III]
----
"What is the capitol of
North Carolina?"
"...Raleigh."
"...Fat lotta good
*that'll* do me."
[Windom Earle interrogates on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"And... styrofoam never dies, as long as you live."
[Andy on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence
in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritative
regime."
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter
Stewart
----
"If I could find a way to get [Saddam Hussein] out
of there, even putting a contract out on him, if
the CIA still did that sort of a thing, assuming
it ever did, I would be for it."
-- Richard Nixon
----
"I rob from the rich and give to the poor
I rob from the poor when the rich need more
I rob from the rich again, but alas
I never give anything to the middle class"
-- Robin Hoodlum
----
"He's not just gonna talk, Fleischman, he's gonna
SING! Live PAVAROTTI!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"A man may fight for many things; his country, his
principles, his friends, the glistening tear on
the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd
mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an
amusing clock and a stack of French porn."
[BLACK ADDER III]
----
Selections from TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED ON THE WHITE
HOUSE TOUR:
10. Can I crash here tonight?
8. Hey, cool! Whose slot cars?
6. How can George Bush *stand* her?
3. When's the next showing of CAPTAIN EO?
1. Wow! Who's the blonde with Weinberger?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from BLITZEN'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES:
10. When airliners jettison their chemical
toilets right in front of you.
6. Reindeer games tainted by steroids.
3. Two words: Soviet airspace
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"I wonder why nobody
consulted you."
"Incredible, isn't it?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Another casualty of the seduction of art."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Childhood is short and maturity is forever."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"It looks like we're a
whole family again."
"Such as it is, yes."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Twisted fiend! No four
walls can hold STUPENDOUS
MAN! You've been foiled
again, evil Mom-Lady! Ha
ha ha!"
"Oh, yeah?"
"Great Zok! She's fixed
her mind-scrambling
eyeball ray on me! I'm
suddenly filled with a
desire to go back
upstairs and do her
nefarious bidding!"
"Glad to hear it."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES (of course)]
----
"I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to
reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was
going to be ad-libbed."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS COMMUNISTS ARE NO
DAMN GOOD AT:
8. Laying rubber in front of the Dairy Queen
6. Stage-diving at Motorhead concerts
5. Broadcasting warm sitcoms featuring lovable
black families
2. Producing a boxer with as much heart as
Rocky
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN EXCUSES OF THE EXXON TANKER
CAPTAIN:
9. Thought the harbor was filled with the
soft, fluffy kind of rocks
8. Felt flourishing salmon population was
getting a little cocky lately
7. Wanted to impress Jodie Foster
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS NOT
RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION:
10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. Legends of Scab Football
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their
Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are
Shot Dead
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT
DISNEY WORLD:
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of short actors in stifling animal
suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES FROM SHIRLEY
MacLAINE'S NEW BOOK:
9. Pizza to go -- from Alpha Centuri
8. Leif Erikson: Lousy in the Sack
5. Flying Saucers: More Dependable than Eastern
4. The Voices in My Head Argue Over Their
Share of the Book Royalties
1. *I'm* Crazy? You Spent $21.95 on This Book!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from BIGFOOT'S TOP 10 PEEVES:
9. Nobody ever goes after Alf with
tranquilizer darts
7. This Dan Quayle jerk
3. Elvis always drops by right before dinner
2. Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to
enjoy road kill
1. Driver's license photo makes him look like
Gregg Allman
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Pooh hasn't much Brain, but he never comes to any
harm. He does silly things and they come out
right."
-- Piglet
----
"While Popeye isn't replacing spinach with oat
bran, he has replaced it with oatmeal, at least
when he appears in commercials for Quaker Oats.
For a while he was singing `I'm Popeye the Quaker
man...' while punching out Brutus/Bluto, but this
was stopped after the Society of Friends protested
that that wasn't quite how Quakers acted (Quaker
Oats has no direct connection with the Society of
Friends aka Quakers)."
-- Tom Galloway
----
"Peter Parker's parents packed a piece? Were
papered coppers?"
-- Kieran Mullen
----
"Which would you rather watch: sword-swallowers and
snake charmers from New Delhi... or *MacGyver*?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Not god's gift to women... more of a consolation
prize!!"
[?]
----
"Tacit agreement is acceptable, Leo."
[Windom Earle gives another monologue on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"17 years old? When we didn't get into Harvard?
We didn't handle *that* one very well, did we?
No, we didn't."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"It's bigger than your dish, Maurice."
[A discussion of TV dish size on NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"There are other ways
besides *sex* to get a
bladder infection,
Fleischman."
"Yeah, but that's the
funnest."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Caligula is rather the method actor's nightmare --
I mean, how do I identify?"
-- John Hurt
----
"MY DAD WENT TO KUWAIT AND ALL HE BROUGHT ME WAS
THIS LOUSY GOLD BATHTUB FAUCET"
[Seen on rec.humor.funny]
----
"I can tell she really cared for me: she didn't
make me a pallbearer."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"LISTEN, you...
BLOODSUCKER! Has it ever
occured to you that old
folks deserve to be
treated like HUMAN
BEINGS, whether they have
money or not?!!"
"Yes... but it passes."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Come on in, friends; dignity's on me."
[Grandpa Simpson on THE SIMPSONS]
----
"So what happens?"
"At 0700 hours tomorrow
morning, my shutdown
disk will be activated,
and all mental and
physical operations will
cease."
"And then what?"
"I don't know -- maybe
I'll get a job as a disc
jockey."
[RED DWARF III]
----
"Egads, the lad's an ad-libber."
[William Shakespeare comments on Sherman, Mr. Peabody' boy, on ROCKY AND HIS
FRIENDS]
----
"Peabody here. Today
Sherman and I are going
back to the year 64 AD to
visit with one of
history's most reknowned
violinists."
"Jack Benny?"
"No, that would be 39 AD,
Sherman."
[Why, Mr. Peabody, or course on ROCKY AND HIS FRIENDS]
----
And our heroes were
quickly subdued.
"I was pretty subdued
when we started."
[BULLWINKLE!]
----
"If a squirrel crawls into an electric transformer
and explodes, does it make a noise heard over two
block away?"
-- Brian McElhinney, ZEN FOR
AMERICANS
----
"Being a facetious person I get no credit for any
depth of feeling."
-- Charles Portis, GRINGOS
----
"I have come suddenly upon my heart and where it is
I see no help for."
-- THE LADY'S NOT FOR BURNING
----
"[CALVIN AND HOBBES] requires a great deal of
research and I need to do more interplanetary
exploration and paleontology work before I can
continue."
-- Bill Watterson on his upcoming
sabbatical
----
"Actors and technicians were being demobbed every
day. Very soon the only ham actor left in the
combined forces would be General George Patton."
-- Michael Powell
----
Selections from TOP 10 REJECTED NAMES FOR JOAN
COLLINS' NEW PERFUME:
10. Fleet's In!
9. Who's Frying Eggs?
6. If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor
2. REALLY Old Spice
1. Next!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage
between a mother and child."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Phillip Glass."
-- Keith Bostic
----
"I've never taken drugs, so that's why I'm probably
not a big Doors fan."
-- Spike Lee
----
"We're going to have the best-educated American
people in the world."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going
to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the
back!"
-- Dan Quayle
----
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"There's not going to be any more handler stories
because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because
we could not have prevailed without them in RED
STORM RISING."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward
more freedom and democracy - but that could
change."
-- Dan Quayle
----
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy
campers you are, happy campers you have been, and,
as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will
always be."
-- Dan Quayle addresses American
Samoans
----
"Ha ha, now I have her, Do-Right, and you shall
never get her back... or any other part of her,
either."
-- Snidely Whiplash
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD IN A G.E.
RESEARCH LAB:
7. "Whoops!"
5. "Hey! I think this is the episode where they
almost get off the island!"
3. "The new guy developed a new long-lasting
inexpensive filament. Kill him."
2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind
control! Aaiieeeeee!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Los Angeles Police have decried NEW JACK CITY as a
`violent, exploitive film'; and you know, folks,
I'm thinkin' if anybody knows what a `violent,
exploitive film' looks like this week, it's the
L.A.P.D."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"The great innovators have always been fearless....
I have fallen off haystacks, out of trees, over
cliffs. I have been nearly drowned, shot and
hanged. I have been in countless car crashes
without getting a scratch. I have been alone in
an office with Louis B. Mayer."
-- Michael Powell
----
"Art is merciless observation, sympathy,
imagination, and a sense of detachment that is
almost cruelty."
-- Michael Powell
----
"Do I digress? Well, I digress."
-- Michael Powell
----
"Money runs downhill, and I've got a fishnet for a
bucket."
-- Brian McElhinney
----
"Theirs goes `doo doo doo do do do, doo doo doo do
do do' and mine goes `doo doo doo do do do, *do*
doo doo doo do do do' -- completely different."
-- Vanilla Ice, re: "Under
Pressure" vs. "Ice Ice Baby"
----
"No, no: the purpose of language is to cast spells
on other people...."
-- Lisa Chabot
----
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:
THE RUNNING MAN. Hahahahahahahahah. Arnold in
Spandex yellow leotards. Mick Fleetwood and
Dweezil Zappa running the Revolutionary Left. One
hundred years from now, "Richard Bachman" will
spin in his grave like a turbine whenever this is
shown. The "Weiss" character plays video skittles
for a minute to crack the Secret Network Code.
Rick Moranis says it best in Spaceballs: "That's
the combination an idiot would have on his
luggage!"
----
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:
COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT. Jim Thomas voted
for this one, in appreciation of a malevolent
defense computer with no off switch. It's the
system manager's fairy tale: it never crashes,
never needs new parts, never has transmission
problems. How long it takes us to reach this
cybernetic state of grace is left to the viewer's
imagination.
----
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:
PRIME RISK. Komputer Kids with job and bank
problems spoof their least favorite bank's ATM
network, only to find someone doing it on a bigger
scale, for money instead of curiosity and revenge.
The understanding and empathetic Federal agent
rescues them and thanks them for their vigilance.
Uh huh.
----
Selections from CuD's COMPUTER UNDERGROUND FILM HALL OF SHAME:
WAR GAMES. The first of the big "Swatch hacker"
movies. It spawned a wave of original thinkers
with "joshua" as their user id or password. Were
NORAD computers ever this insecure? For about ten
seconds back in the Dark Ages, maybe.
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
We're Tired, We're Cranky, We Don't Like
the Government
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
Lobotomies for Republicans: It's the Law!
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
Making the World Safe for Big Chevys
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
If War is the Answer, Then It's a Stupid
Fucking Question
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
Kick Butt, Then What?
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
At Least We Can Drive to the Funeral
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
War Gives Me Gas
----
GRAFFITI DEPT.:
Send Bush, Send Quayle, Send Neil Bush
When He Gets Out of Jail
----
"I am not a spelling reformer. I am a
laissez-faire liberal in matters of spelling. I
do not care that our present system of spelling
wastes time and paper. I firmly believe that time
and paper are of less importance than the perfect
expression of the writer's meaning. Anyone who
thinks otherwise is a Pedantick Booby."
-- Samuel Marchbanks
----
"I have today received a
communication from the
Swirling Killer Loons of
Dath, assuring me that
*they* want war no more
than *we* do... We have
a trade treaty with
them."
"Trade treaty?! We export
1400 luscious young
virgins, bound in silken
ropes and fattened for
two years on raspberries
and chamois milk - and
in return we import a
walnut. A walnut!"
-- Hordes of the Things
----
"Wow! *Nuthin'* shocks New York cabbies!"
-- ALICE
----
"You, sir, seek greater
emotion. The deepest and
most compassionate people
have no more capacity for
emotion than you, but
they do have something
you don't have. A
subscription to
alt.callahans, the
InterNet therapy group."
"I haven't even read the
first posting, and I'm
already so overwhelmed
with sincerity and
mutual support that I
could puke."
-- Steve Connelly
----
"All good things to those who wait."
[Dr. Hannibal Lector in the movie THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS]
----
"I got all the way to the district finals at Knife
River, only to find out the Airplane Slam is
illegal."
[The disappointments of women's amateur wrestling. From TWIN PEAKS]
----
"From this year's Grammys winner's list:
BEST POLKA RECORDING:
``When It's Polka Time At Your House,''
Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra.
If this doesn't *prove* the grammys are based
solely on sales, then I don't know what does."
-- Eli Messinger
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Paula Abdul
"In short, if she were a stock she'd be IBM."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: AC/DC
"The lead singer is screaming better than ever."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: AC/DC
"Nice disco band."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Acoustic Alchemy
"Isn't this some sort of new-age stuff for
discerning yuppies who've got bored with their
Dire Straits albums?"
-- Al Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5:
Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe
"Yeah, right. Sounds like the name of a law firm."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Rick Astley
"He has a nice... uhm... something. Crap music, of
course."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Bananarama
"Oh, god, them and the Go-go's, right?"
-- Greg Tzeutschler
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Beatles
"When Trump was at his peak, he could has spent
every penny on Beatle memoribilia and still not
have everything."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Pat Benatar
"The best thing I can say about her is that she's a
Kate Bush fan."
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Blondie
"I miss Blondie. Deborah Harry's zombie voice is a
precursor to Depeche Mode, if they only knew it."
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Bon Jovi
"We have these guys to thank for 'glam metal'. Damn
them."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: David Bowie
"After you've made The Best Album of the Seventies,
five times, there's not much more to do than to
make The Worst Album of the Eighties, three times,
is there?"
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Julie Brown
"She was doing stand-up comedy and figured she
could make more money doing rock parody. She was
right."
-- John M. Relph
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush
"Net-ravings aside, a friend of mine recently said
that he had heard that Kate is into drugs. My
response -- if this be drugs, then let me at 'em."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush
"Now, I know I've heard that name somewhere before.
Kate Bush... Um, yes, I know. She's God."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Kate Bush
"Hehehehe. Now what can I say that'll really whip
the Bushies into a killing frenzy? Experience
seems to suggest that anything short of total
worship will result in my being beaten to death
with _This Womans Work_. How about if I just told
the truth and said that I don't like her voice?"
-- Al Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Butthole Surfers
"No talent. None. I love 'em."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Casual Gods
"OK, not as thrilling as music this loud should
be."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tracy Chapman
"What a cheerful, fun-loving individual she is.
Almost as laugh-a-minute as Tanita Tikaram."
-- Al Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Clash
"*London Calling* Just shut up and get it and play
it loud."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Phil Collins
"Okay Phil, you've convinced us; you have the
ability to turn out a sappy top ten hit pop single
in your sleep. Why did you give up drumming?"
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: The Cramps
"talentless, offensive, ugly ... pretty cool."
-- Greg Tzeutschler
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Culture Club
"`War is stupid, and people are stupid.' Never have
we seen such an intelligent summing up of the
world today. Mesmerizing."
-- Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tim Curry
"Please can we forget that he ever sang and just
enjoy his wonderful acting?"
-- Susan Harwood Kaczmarczik
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Danielle Dax
"Tiffany in the wrong neighborhood."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Judas Priest
"I listened to _Stained Class_ when *I* was 16, and
I didn't kill myself."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Madonna
"Oh look, it's the new Madonna video. What's she
going to do in this one? Hmmm. Goats....
corpses....live yoghurt.... damn. Exactly the same
as the last one."
-- Al Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: John Cougar Mellencamp
"Is white trash the American dream? JCM seems to
think so."
-- Michael Graham
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: George Michael
"In 10-15 years, we'll all look at him and laugh,
especially if he's still doing the same act with
a butt that ain't quite as tight as it is now."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Mojo Nixon and
Skid Roper
"You can't live on a diet of nothing but Mojo, but
any reasonable eating plan oughta include a few
devil dogs once in a while."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Donny Osmond
"I was shocked to find he's making a comeback, this
time (by the looks of the video) as some sort of
George Michael with extra teeth."
-- Al Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Todd Rundgren
"As good a Macintosh programmer as he is a
musician."
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Ringo Starr
"Just can't get no respect. I'd trade respect for
his wife, though."
-- Ken Warkentyne
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tangerine Dream
"With over 3400 albums, there's something for
everyone!"
-- Cliff Tuel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tone Loc
"Provided us with the only commercial statement of
the benefits of marijuana usage in the last three
years."
-- Tony Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Tone Loc
"Crotch rap. People accuse Vanilla Ice of servicing
the 'rap-impaired' by rapping so slooow; I suspect
Tone the Real Estate agent was the start of this."
-- Nick Nicholas
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Stevie Wonder
"From his records I get the impression he's also
become deaf in the last few years :-(."
-- Eerke Boiten
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #5: Frank Zappa
"He should be most proud that the PMRC wants to put
their obscene lyrics sticker on his `Jazz From
Hell' -- which is an instrumental album."
-- Tony Shepps
----
"Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some
family, isn't it? Incest, prostitution,
fanaticism, software."
-- Charles Willeford, MIAMI BLUES
----
"The less you know about home computers, the more
you'll want the new IBM PS/1."
-- Ad in The Edmonton Journal
----
"Get a life, punk!"
[The ever-amiable Albert on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I'm afraid I have to leave you now; I'm having an
old friend for dinner."
[Is revenge a dish best served cold? Ask Dr. Hannibal Lector. THE SILENCE
OF THE LAMBS. (The Movie.)]
----
"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."
-- Saturday Night Live
----
"Its got polarity? If it has polarity, that means
we can kill it. "
[A really dumb CBS Tv-Movie named NOT OF THIS WORLD]
----
"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst
elements of American life. Violence and committee
meetings."
-- George Will
----
"If you want to see your play performed the way you
write them, become president."
-- Vaclav Havel
----
"If we can put a man on the moon, why shouldn't it
be Jerry Falwell?"
-- Doug Robarchek
----
"The world is stunned by news of the discovery, and
subsequent surrender, of a Japanese infantryman
who has been lost in Powell's since 1945."
-- Jonathon Nichols
----
"Nazi pride, Patsy Kline . . . it's all the same to
me!"
-- J.Paul Slavens, Ten Hands
----
"You have... 24 hours to
live."
"24 HOURS?!!!"
"Well.... 22 -- I'm sorry
I kept you waiting so
long."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Harry, Windom Earle's mind is like a diamond.
It's cold, and hard, and brilliant."
[Coop on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"In the shadows; can you
beat that?"
"Nope."
[Harry and Cooper on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"OK! Well, then; we're gonna go bowling."
[Dr. Jacobi decides to trade cigarettes in for a bowling ball for that post-
sexual therapy session on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"What he needs now is both understanding and... a
Confederate victory!"
[Another Dr. Jacobi gem from TWIN PEAKS]
----
Selections from TOP TEN FACETS OF BUSH'S
STATE-OF-THE-UNION SPEECH:
10. Kept profanity to a minimum
8. Snuck the phrase 'penis breath' by the censors
4. Advancing age has not dulled Bush's eloquent
speaking voice
3. Provided two more clues to Pepsi's 'Crack the
Code' contest
-- Dick Piechowicz
----
"I wish _I_ was a tiger."
"A common lament."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES (where else?)]
----
"I haven't time to go chasing after him! There's
violence to be done!"
[MONTY PYTHON]
----
Spock was waiting for
them when they got to the
conference room.
"Captain, I've run the
data we collected through
the computer."
"Well, Spock, you must be
a very proud young man.
So what's the deal with
these council weasels?"
-- Late Night With David
Letterman
----
"Decadent rodent, we will bury you."
[LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN]
----
"Slam-damn-betcha, Jimmy."
[A nice rejoinder from Counsellor Heller on GABRIEL'S FIRE]
----
"Something wrong with your
friend?"
"He's a white man who
thinks he's James
Brown."
[From the ad to QUEEN'S LOGIC (I think that's the title)]
----
Another Bush and Powell Discussion:
"What would be the result
of an air strike on
Wednesday night?"
"Millions of innocent
civilians killed and the
city razed to the
ground, Sir!"
"You know I don't
understand that military
jargon! Give it to me in
words I can understand."
"Personnel density
adjustment and strategic
collateral upheaval,
Sir!"
"That bad?!"
-- BBC Radio 4
----
What did the Zen Master
say to the hot dog
vendor?
"Make me one with
everything."
[An old joke off the net]
----
Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN WORRIES
ABOUT DESERT STORM:
10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry
from bunker to bunker
9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock
strap for gas mask (again)
8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV
2. People keep calling his weapons names like
'scud'
-- Bill Owens
----
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the
Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to
appreciate the value of good graphics
resolution."
-- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
----
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the
Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to
pellegra, our barn burned down. After that,
Joe got himself caught in the thresher and lost
most of his body hair. Then the banks
foreclosed. It sure was a comfort to know that
we had 28 MIPs of power to see us through hard
times."
-- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
----
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the
Sun SPARCstation 2000 (tm):
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out
and look at the soybean crop. After 20
minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old
Norwegian stock, and we know a thing or two
about bus controllers."
-- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
[Collected internally from a gag article at Sun...]
----
"Marsha Williams, who has an office on the
Embarcadero, found Tuesday's view fascinating: the
bridge devoid of traffic, helicopters over- head
and an inbound Exxon tanker sailing under the
bridge as hundreds of demonstrators were
chorusing, `One-two-three-four, what the hell are
we fighting for?' Exxon's tanker ploughed on,
having answered the question. At the Standard Oil
Building on Bush, scene of another lively protest,
Joel Pimsleur sighted a protester waving the best
sign to date: `George -- You Can't Start A War
Until You Finish Your Broccoli!'
"George managed to force it down his throat, and
others'."
-- Herb Caen
----
"The thing is, though, we've even allied ourselves
with Syria. Yes, our good friend and loyal ally,
Afad Assad. Apparently Idi Amin wasn't available;
he's locked up in a hotel in Cairo, trying to get
down to his fighting weight."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"She thought she was going on a dream date.... But
soon, she'll live through *every* *woman's*
*nightmare*: DATE WITH AN ENGINEER!!"
[A skit from the local ALMOST LIVE show]
----
"The dead, they ask the best questions; and we are
answerable."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"The house is advertised as being an hour from 42nd
Street. Ha! The only thing an hour from 42nd
Street is 43rd Street."
[Cary Grant in MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE]
----
"Nobody knows. Nobody ever does know, for certain.
The old bus wobbles one way, and you think,
`That's done it!' and then it wobbles the other
way and you think, `All serene'; and then, one
day, it wobbles over too far and you're in the
soup and can't remember how you got there....
God! how I loathe haste and violence and all that
ghastly, slippery cleverness. Unsound,
unscholarly, insincere -- nothing but propaganda
and special pleading and `what do we get out of
this?'"
-- Dorothy L. Sayers, GAUDY NIGHT
----
"They have women agents?"
"More or less."
[A revelation for Audrey on TWIN PEAKS]
----
Selections from SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TOP TEN HOPES FOR
THE NEW YEAR:
9. In between brutally silencing his opponents
he'll be able to find a little quiet time for
himself.
8. Be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi
TV footage of `Death to American Satan' rallies
look more like a Vanilla Ice video.
7. No one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play
Larry Tate on BEWITCHED.
3. The New York Post will stop using his first name
as a verb.
-- Peter Dill
----
New York Magazine's "Non-English Phrase Redefinition" Competition:
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots.
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail.
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge.
----
"Do not confuse MATURE(tm) with MASSIVE SEX AND
GRAPHIC VIOLENCE(tm)! They are different
creatures. CONCRETE contains mature themes, but
has little nudity (most of it Concrete's art
collection). IMHO, CONCRETE is a GOOD(tm) comic
due to the complexity of the characters and their
reactions to their world. ZOT! deals with mature
themes without delving into excessive violence nor
nudity. G.I. JOE deals with massive violence
without dealing with mature themes. The element
of shock is within each one of these. It's just
that the nature of the shock varies. And even
more importantly the effect of the shock upon the
READER varies in terms of acceptability. And that
level of acceptability determines whether YOU
think it is a good comic or not. And that is all
that counts in the end."
-- Shelly Louie
----
"I'm the blood-thirstiest, shoot-firstiest,
absolute worstiest, pirate that ever sailed the
seven seas!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"That rabbit has stolen the Illudium PU-38 Space
Modulator! Delays, delays!"
[Martin Martian]
----
"Wile E. Coyote, Super Geenniuusss. I like the
sound of that. Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius."
[Oh, come on? Who else?]
----
"My own little bunny rabbit. And I will hug him
and squeeze him and pat his little head. And I
will call him George."
[A standard Looney Tunes gag line.]
----
"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal
will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of
something, to its own detriment, then I would
conclude that netnews is far more addictive than
cocaine."
-- Rob Stampfli
----
"What's this? A Buck Wogers Wightning Quick Wabbit
Kiwwer!"
[Elmer Fudd]
----
"You just go back to
whatever Stygian depths
you came from, fella."
"`Stygian depths.' I
like that. You mention
Dante to most people and
they ask you how you
liked GREMLINS."
[The I OF NEWTON episode of the new TWILIGHT ZONE]
----
"What's this Iraq stuff? It wasn't in the TV GUIDE!"
[ALMOST LIVE]
----
"Geez, I wish that was my name. Sounds like James
Bond, y'know? `Hume. Britt Hume.'"
[Wayne's World from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"And if we do go to war, I can assure you, it will
not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned
well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of
Vietnam."
[Dana Carvey does George Bush on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"Last week, Saddam Hussien released all the
hostages. President Bush said he still planned to
use military force if need be against Iraq, unless
they left Kuwait. This week, Hussien said, OK,
OK; I'll be out of Kuwait in a week. Bush said,
too late, we're gonna attack anyway; you have
embarrassed me in front of my woman."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Oh MY GOD!"
"Out with it,
Lieutenant!"
"Sir... he's joining the
Columbia Records & Tape
Club!"
"Don't DO it, man!
It's a scam!"
"YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAA!
YIPPEE-YAHOOOOOO!"
[The hilarious Dennis Quaid daredevil sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"After weeks of mounting tension, $1 million at
stake and the world chess championship on the
line, Gary Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took
off all his clothes, and yelled `Yahtzee!'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"The distinction between a statesman and a
politician is that the former imposes his will and
his ideas on his environment while the latter
adapts himself to it."
-- Dick Crossman
----
"We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we
were beginning to form up into teams, we would be
reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we
tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing,
and a wonderful method it can be for creating the
illusion of progress while producing confusion,
inefficiency, and demoralization."
-- Petronius, 100 BC
----
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is
stand still and look stupid."
-- Hedy Lamarr
----
"The power of accurate observation is commonly
called cynicism by those who have not got it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
"If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the
street hurling grenades in people's faces."
-- Paul Fussell
----
"I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented
dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could
have invented the Nobel Prize."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the
constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
----
"I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of
the Foreign Office where future diplomats are
taught to stammer."
-- Peter Ustinov
----
"Look for the ridiculous in everything and you find
it."
-- Jules Renard
----
"Being in politics is like being a football coach;
you have to be smart enough to understand the
game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
-- Eugene McCarthy
----
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being
only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you
want, an adorable pancreas?"
-- Jean Kerr
----
"There are times when you have to choose between
being human and having good taste."
-- Bertolt Brecht
----
"Advertising may be described as the science of
arresting human intelligence long enough to get
money from it."
-- Stephen Leacock
----
"All religions are founded on the fear of the many
and the cleverness of the few."
-- Stendhal
----
"Almost all reformers, however strict their social
conscience, live in houses just as big as they can
pay for."
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
----
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you
win, you're still a rat."
-- Lily Tomlin
----
"Television is now so desperately hungry for
material that they're scraping from the top of the
barrel."
-- Gore Vidal
----
"I've always thought respectable people scoundrels,
and I look anxiously at my face every morning for
signs of my becoming a scoundrel."
-- Betrand Russell
----
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own
one."
-- A.J. Liebling
----
"Television is democracy at its ugliest."
-- Paddy Chayefsky
----
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how
it's done, they've seen it done every day, but
they're unable to do it themselves."
-- Brendan Behan
----
"To laugh, to lie, to flatter, to face:
Four ways in court to win man's grace."
-- Roger Ascham
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 21st
"In a weapons deal that could upset the
balance of power in the Mideast, France
agrees to sell $175 million worth of rocks
to Palestinian youths."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 12th
"In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British
fans easily defeat the Belgian Army."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- December 10th
"Romania, taking its first tentative steps
toward Western-style democracy, broadcasts
the Willie Horton ad."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 27th
"Britain forms an entirely new government in
roughly the amount of time it takes the U.S.
Congress to declare National Celery Month."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 23rd
"In a historic summit agreement that
eliminates the last irritating remnant of
the Cold War, George Bush and Mikhail
Gorbachev sign a treaty under which the two
sides will jointly execute comedian Yakov
Smirnov. Best Western stocks soar."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 8th
"President Bush, reinforcing the American
commitment to remain in the Persian Gulf
until the job is done, orders an additional
250,000 high-level White House aides to come
up with the real reason that we are there."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 9th
"Over the heated objections of Manuel
Noriega's attorneys, CNN broadcasts a tape
of the deposed Panamanian strongperson
performing `My Way.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 6th
"In midterm elections, the voters, clearly
fed up with the incompetence, corruption and
rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents, re-
elect them."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- November 4th
"Mary Martin dies and ascends to heaven on
clearly visible wires."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- October 19th
"In championship chess action, the opening
match ends in a draw when Garry Kasparov
attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to
see the wily James `Buster' Douglas lunge
across the table and grab both of the
champion's Ring Dings."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 24th
"A Cincinnati art museum and its director go
on trial on obscenity charges after
exhibiting a group of U.S. political
campaign commercials."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- September 14th
"Concern is once again focused on the quality
of American schools when the U.S. Education
secretary releases a report that turns out
to have been copied verbatim from the
Interior secretary's report on offshore
drilling."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- August 1st
"Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide
panic as thousands of oil-company executives
pour into Ferrari dealerships."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 30th
"Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay
Vincent, exercising his authority to protect
the best interests of baseball, has George
Steinbrenner fed to weasels."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 27th
"Showing great social awareness, the PGA
announces that it will no longer hold golf
tournaments at country clubs that own
slaves."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 9th
"In the annual Forbes magazine list of the
world's wealthiest individuals, the No. 1
ranking goes to a guy named Bud who knows
how to fix transmissions. "
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 7th
"The Supreme Court rules 9-0 that if it hears
another word about flag-burning, it's going
to puke."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- July 5th
"The Soviet Communist Party Congress,
continuing the movement toward Western-style
democracy, accepts $135,000 from banker
Charles Keating."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 27th
"NASA begins to suspect that there might be a
little problem with the $1.5 billion Hubble
Space Telescope when it starts transmitting
extreme close-up photographs of a sticker
that says `REMOVE THIS STICKER BEFORE
LAUNCHING TELESCOPE.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 18th
"In golf, tension and high drama grip the
U.S. Open as Hale Irwin and Mike Donald show
up wearing the same pants."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- June 5th
"Resolving a complex case in which seven
couples are claiming custody of a child
resulting from an artificially inseminated
egg that was a frozen embryo through four
divorces and was incubated in two surrogate
mothers, a judge rules that the child should
be raised by wolves."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 30th
"The Bush administration renews China's
preferential trade status after the Chinese
government, responding to criticism of its
human- rights policies, agrees to shoot
civilians with a smaller caliber of bullet."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- May 14th
"Congress, despite strong lobbying efforts by
the National Rifle Association, bans private
ownership of aircraft carriers."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- April 2nd
"In a major coup for U.S. intelligence, a
U.S. spy satellite successfully penetrates a
Soviet Politburo meeting through the roof.
Unfortunately, the satellite is destroyed
upon impact. Fortunately, the meeting is
also being broadcast on CNN."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 31st
"President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 5th
"True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals
that twice in the past year, New York City
priests have performed exorcisms to cure
people who are possessed by demons. The
cardinal does not mention George
Steinbrenner by name."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1990 IN REVIEW -- March 4th
"The Republic of Mauritania attempts to
secede from the Soviet Union, only to be
informed, in a strongly worded rebuke from
Mikhail Gorbachev, that it is located in
Africa."
----
"Mr. BOB, you've killed
Theresa Banks, Laura
Palmer, Jacques Renault,
and Maddy Ferguson. What
are you going to do
next?"
"I'm going to
Disneyland!"
-- Richard Barrett
----
Never kick a gift horse in the mouth.
[Off the net]
----
"I was awakened at 6:30 this morning by the maid,
saying the 5 words I just dread to hear:
`The monkey's had an accident.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"That's a good color for him."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Doc Hayward said you needed familiar stimulants,
so we figured, what the hell, kazoos."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"The guy on the TV specials isn't the original Bob
Hope. There's eight of them, I think. Like
Lassie."
[KISW (local Seattle Radio Station)]
----
"SO BE IT! The fate of
the UNIVERSE is in your
hands!"
"Talk about job-related
stress."
[MIGHTY MOUSE comic book]
----
"While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are
dating handsome American movie and TV stars. Stars
like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson."
-- Baghdad Betty
----
Selections from TOP 10 NEW JOBS FOR MILLI VANILLI:
10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli,
Vanilli
8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express
commercial
4. Fact-checkers at "20/20" in the Buckwheat
Division
3. Even Newer Kids on the Block
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"What can you say about a society that says God is
dead and Elvis is alive?"
-- Irv Kupcinet
----
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight
and too fat to run.
[Off the net]
----
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
[Off the net]
----
"The shortest distance between two points is
through Hell."
-- Brian Clark
----
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other
hand, water is water! And East is East and West is
West and if you take cranberries and stew them
like applesauce they taste much more like prunes
than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what
you know."
-- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
----
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's
more true that power attracts the corruptible.
The sane are usually attracted by other things
than power. When they do act, they think of it as
service, which has limits. The tyrant, though,
seeks mastery, for which he is insatiable,
implacable."
-- David Brin
----
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make
clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid
moves which make us wonder at the possibility that
there may be something to them we are missing."
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
----
"In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often
useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your
hands."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
----
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."
-- Alan Dean Foster
----
RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #4:
"Self-destruct routines are never carried through,
so there is no need to program them as anything
more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the
countdown always runs past 1, to the last
millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic
values."
-- Mitch Wagner
----
RULES FOR STARFLEET PROGRAMMERS, #2:
"Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi."
-- Mitch Wagner
----
"All those moments will be lost, in time, like
tears in rain."
[BLADE RUNNER]
----
"I don't have an unclassified opinion."
[A friend of a friend]
----
Excerpt from conversation between customer support
person and customer working for a well-known
military-affiliated research lab:
"You're not our only
customer, you know."
"But we're one of the few
with tactical nuclear
weapons."
----
Recent Microsoft ad:
"Some people don't see the advantages of combining
Microsoft applications. But then some people
didn't see what would come of mixing nitro and
glycerin"
----
"Witkin and Kass obtain a jumping motion for Luxo
by formulating it as a two-boundary-point
optimization problem [40]. The results produced
are impressive, but their formulation appears to
have a problem with the takeoff and landing
occurring with only one edge of the base in contact
with the ground. Their Luxo jump sequence has a
takeoff and landing with a flat base. From our
experience with the torques necessary to make Luxo
perform a jump, we are convinced that a jump with
a flat base on takeoff and landing is very
difficult to perform and would therefore not be a
natural mode of locomotion for a lamp."
-- Siggraph '90 proceedings, page
233.
----
"It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen, but it's
a family thing, and I guess it's clean."
-- Barbara Bush re: THE SIMPSONS
----
"They just sent out announcements for the
conference on massively parallel systems. I got
600 of them."
-- Andy Koenig
----
"You remember those guys who were show writers
sitting around the office in the old `Dick Van
Dyke Show'? When I was a kid, it looked like the
best job in the world . . . and it is."
-- Harley Peyton
----
"There's no joy in Mudville tonight!"
-- Jesse Helmes, commenting on
his election victory over his
black opponent, Harvey Gantt
----
"The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that
it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead
of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
horse."
-- Jac Goudsmit
----
"Homer was never stubborn!
He *always* folded
instantly over anything!
It was as if he had no
will of his own! Isn't
that true, Homer?"
"Yes, Dad!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Pompous blow-dried college boy!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Hello! Operator! Get me the number for 911!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
Jeff Meyer
they declare me legally dead and collect my
insurance!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"It's YOUR FAULT America has lost its way!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"I can't believe it! You actually found a
practical use for geometry."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Hee hee hee! That Marmaduke..."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Who wants to build character? Let's quit!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Let me tell ya something,
Bellows..."
"What's that, Murph?"
"Bean dip... is my world."
"Really? Well, so is
lard, cholesterol, salt
and cancer."
"This has *salt*?"
[THE FLASH]
----
"Last kid that did that's now called `Stumpy'."
[THE FLASH]
----
"Never disturb me when I'm laughing."
[THE FLASH]
----
"Brutus... you're like a mouse with an attitude."
[THE FLASH]
----
"Hee hee hee.... Kids say such stupid things."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"I won't even subject you to the horrors of our 3
Stooges ward."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"You think *you* got guts. Try raising my kids."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"`I am that merry wanderer of the night'? I am
that giggling-dangerous-totally-psychotic-menace-
to-life-and-limb, more like it."
[SANDMAN]
----
"You played me well, mortal. But I have played me
for time out of mind. And *I* do Robin Goodfellow
better than anyone."
[SANDMAN]
----
"The best in this kind are but shadows; and the
worst are no worse, if imagination amend them."
[Why, Shakespeare. (A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT'S DREAM, performed in SANDMAN]
----
"*Just* what the world's been waiting for. The
charge of the trenchcoat brigade."
[THE BOOKS OF MAGIC]
----
"Could I do what he did?
Could I be as powerful as
Merlin?"
"Powerful? A strange
word to use, in
connection with him."
[THE BOOKS OF MAGIC]
----
"*WHAT??! You voted for the guy who draws `The
Punisher'? JUDAS! You brain-dead little FANBOY!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
drawing got so stylized all of a sudden!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
productive member of society. If you fail to do
so, I will pluck your eyes out and squash them
flat."
[PAUL THE SAMURAI]
----
"Mysteries are *boring*, Paul. Stick to the
cardinal super-hero rule: Beat Up All Suspicious
People."
[PAUL THE SAMURAI being instructed by The Tick]
----
"I seem to suffer from irrelevant flashbacks."
[A bit of self-analysis from PAUL THE SAMURAI]
----
"Wait! I have money -- a
fortune! You can have it
all."
"Well, thank you, I
will."
[WISEGUY]
----
"Well, I've lived in these
old woods most of my
life... seen some
strange things, but this
is way off the map -- I'm
having a hard time
believing..."
"Harry, is it easier to
believe that a man would
rape and murder his own
daughter? Any more
comforting?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Leland, Leland... You've been a good vehicle, and
I've enjoyed the ride."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Oh gosh golly gee geewhiz, I guess I kinda sorta
did. I have this thing for knives."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Ran out of tuna fish."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Through the dark of future past
The Magician longs to see.
One chants out between two worlds
Fire, walk with me."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Would you like us to hum?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Our lives have taken an odd turn."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home I
realized how little that helped."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Can we go on after MURPHY BROWN?"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"This is pathetic,
Michael! It's people
like you who are turning
us into a mindless,
culturally ignorant
society on the verge of
decay!"
"So?"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"President's Day! What a rip-off!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Plutonium rod used as
paperweight."
"Ooooh! Now that
shouldn't be!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor
playing Charles Darwin what he thinks!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"ON-LY A MORON WOULDN'T CAST HIS VOTE FOR MON-TY
BURNS!!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"The voters now see you as
imperial and god-like."
"Hot dog!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"He is Bob
Eager for fun!
He wears a *smile*
Everybody *run*."
-- Mike
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Cooper, you remind me today of a small, Mexican
Chihuahua."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Great! Paydirt! You'll have to speak up,
Sheriff, hearing's gone! Long story!"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Y'know, you are the best lawman I've ever seen;
but Coop, sometimes you think too much."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"She's truly evil."
"Either evil or a greedy
child. She wants what
she wants when she wants
it."
[From the LAW AND ORDER series]
----
"Possibly even more important, Tintin bears a
certain visual resemblance to Charlie Brown. It
was gratifying to see that a childhood loser could
grow up to be as resourceful and graceful as
Tintin, and get to go to all kinds of cool
places!"
-- Jim Dyer
----
"Another note: Gerard Jones must die. Well, I'll
settle for a better sinister laugh than `Hee hee.'
I don't know what's `better', but `hee hee' is
what I've come to associate with Sam and Max
rather than True Evil..."
-- Paul Aoki
----
"Now that whole war thing,
I was against that from
the start!"
"Well, I think most of us
were."
"Yes, but I DID something
about it. . . I wrote a
letter. I wrote, 'Dear
Sirs, Stop it.'"
-- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore
----
"Here's a new theory, I think everyone in the town
got together late one night, and decided to go
over to the Palmer house and kill Laura, and Bob
stands for a Bunch of Bastards."
-- Ajai at Penn State
----
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their
parents, and everyone is writing a book."
-- Cicero
----
"There's things you can't
get in books."
"There are things you
can't get anywhere; but
with dreams, they can
sometimes be found in
other people."
[Donna and Harold Smith on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Sid, can you fix us up with three Black Yukon
Sucker-Punches?"
[The rather quaint Judge on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"You know, it'd be convenient if every pork-bred
pea-brain Congressman was running for office this
year, so we could feel good about voting them out
of office; but unfortunately, we can't all live in
North Carolina."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
[Andy's rabbit died. Well, kinda.... TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Good thing you guys can't keep a secret."
[Damn good thing! TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Cheese doodle?"
"Do you have any idea
what's in these things?"
"Sure: they're cheese with
doodle flavoring."
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"You'll be sorry! PHANTOM isn't the same in
Providence! It stars Erik Estrada! And he plays
an ACCORDION!"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"He's irksome."
"He's rude."
"He's Satan's
crafty minion."
"...Sounds like a
chip dip."
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"Once actor Raymond Burr was confronted by a fan
who demanded to know how it was that [Perry Mason]
won every case. `But madam,' he replied smoothly,
`you only see the cases I try on Saturday.'"
-- THE COMPLETE DIRECTORY OF
PRIME TIME TV SHOWS
----
"Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck."
-- Robin Williams
----
"Hmmm... for a superior race, they really rub it
in."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Anyone from a species that has mastered
inter-galactic travel, raise your hand....
Alright, then."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"On this cable system, you
will recieve one million
channels from the
furthest reaches of the
galaxy!"
"Do you get HBO?"
"...no, that would cost
extra."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"OK, boy, let's see you talk your way out of *this*
one."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
**********
************
****************
** HERE LIES **
** **
** CASPER **
** THE **
** FRIENDLY **
** BOY **
** **
****************
****************
****************
-- THE SIMPSONS
----
"Nothing is beautiful unless it is large. Vastness
and immensity can make you forget a great many
weaknesses."
-- Emperor Napoleon I, ruler
and OS/2 user
----
"Hmmm... Not strong enough. How about, `I was
wrong, I'm very happy for you, and I should be
forced to sit between two sweaty guys on an
airplane and watch GHOST DAD?'"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"Private luxury jet... you know what that means!
*Gucci barf bags*!"
[Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"What's it going to take
to get me through this
flight?"
"Depends."
"It depends? On what?"
"No, Depends -- the adult
diaper."
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"Everyone has heard of Canterbury if only because
they murder archbishops there."
-- Michael Powell
----
"Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of political
intercourse."
[???]
----
"Blood sausage, suet pie ... It's like all of
Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
[SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
Review of Liz Taylor in THE MIRROR CRACK'D:
"... a Pharaonic mummy moving on tiny castors
like a touring replica of the Queen Mother."
[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
----
"Marlon Brando is so obviously stunned that you
feel he is somehow playing the lead in
THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO."
[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
----
Review of Tom Cruise in COCKTAIL:
"He might just as well go about with a sack
over his head imprinted with the words I AM
GOOD-LOOKING. As it is, he struts his
second-rate stuff... giving the sort of
performance which will make self-respecting
bartenders everywhere weep."
[Famous film review comment, taken from a Usenet quiz.]
----
"You bust through the door and create a diversion.
They all turn and aim at you. You try to sweet
talk them out of blowing your brains out. While I,
sneak around back, bust in, and *really* surprise
'em!"
[SHOOTING STARS]
----
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dying time
is here."
[MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME]
----
"I didn't kill Grandpa! Society killed Grandpa!!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Don't blame me... *I* didn't do it!"
-- Krusty The Clown
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems
aren't at the bottom of a bottle. THEY'RE ON TV!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Beer! Now there's a temporary solution."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Nor do I agree with the viewpoint of the
Libertarians, who seem to think that citizenship
carries with it an inalienable right to
selfishness."
-- Heidi Wolf
----
"Instant gratification is not fast enough."
-- Suzanne Vega, "Postcards from the Edge"
----
"Savior-faire is everywhere!"
[Dunno, but it sounds great, doesn't it?]
----
"Wine gives me a headache. I'll have a double
kamikaze."
[Ms. Depesto in MOONLIGHTING]
----
"Leave it to a Wop to bring a knife to a gun
fight."
[THE UNTOUCHABLES]
----
"It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd
have to kill you."
[TOP GUN]
----
"Son, you're ego is writing checks you're body
can't cash."
[TOP GUN]
----
"He was born with the gift of laughter and the
sense that the world was mad."
-- SCARAMOUCHE
----
"Monsieur, a wafer-thin mint?"
[MONTY PYTHON'S MEANING OF LIFE]
----
"Son, all I've asked my men is that they obey my
orders as they would the word of God."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
----
"I want you to make that head so clean that the
Virgin Mary would be proud to take a dump in
there."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
----
"There is no racial bigotry here. Here you are all
equally worthless."
[FULL METAL JACKET]
----
"You listen to *me*! While I will admit to a
certain cynicism, the fact is I am a nay-sayer and
hatchet man in the fight against violence! I
pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly
take another because I choose to to live my life
in the company of Ghandi, and King! My concerns
are *global*. I reject absolutely revenge,
aggression, and retaliation! The foundation of
such a method... is love.... I love you, Sheriff
Truman."
[The one and only Albert, on TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Albert's path is a strange and difficult one."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Oh, by the way, you were shot with a Walther PPK.
It's James Bond's gun, did you know that?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Next time I say, `Let's go to Bolivia'... let's
go to Bolivia!"
[BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID]
----
"Jesus, You're a hooker? I forgot! I just thought
I was doing great with you!"
[ARTHUR]
----
"I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not encourage others to fly."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Rise and shine,
Springfield!"
"It's the Bill & Marty
Show! He's Bill!"
"He-e-e's Marty!"
"Two grown men who can't
get enough of each
other!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God
is, exactly. All I know is, he's a force more
powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you
owe him *big*."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Ha ha ha! Hey, look everybody! John Hancock's
writing his name in the snow!"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Diane, 1:18 AM. Long day, turning in. Albert
Rosenfield has arrived, and with his usual charm
has completely won over the local population. As
Sherman did in Atlanta."
[Collected notes to Agent Cooper tape (TWIN PEAKS merchanise)]
----
"I will tell you three things. If I tell them to
you, and they come true, then will you believe
me?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I wish I could have cracked the Lindbergh
kidnapping case."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Sheriff, a picture is forming! Big axe on the
couch; these same geese were flying that
evening... Leo was trying to turn someone into
kindling."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Albert, where does this
attitude of general
unpleasantness come
from?"
"I'll have to get back to
you on that."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Would you like to play with fire, little boy?
Would you like to play with Bob? Would you like
to play with *Bob*?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"When did you start
smokin'?"
"I smoke every once in a
while.... helps relieve
tension."
"When did you get so
tense?"
"When I started smokin'."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I'm dog tired... A man can only go so long without
submitting to a period of rest. For as we know
from experiments conducted on American G.I.s
during the Korean War, sleep deprivation is a
one-way ticket to temporary psychosis."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"The things I tell you will not be wrong."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Has anyone seen Bob on Earth in the last few
weeks?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I performed the autopsy
on Jaques Renault;
stomach contents
revealed, let's see: beer
cans, a Maryland license
plate, half a bicycle
tire, a goat... and a
small wooden puppet, goes
by the name of
Pinnochio."
"You're making a joke."
"I like to think of myself
as one of the happy
generations."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"She *seemed* like a very nice girl."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Jerry, please kill
Leland."
"Is this real, Ben, or
some strange and twisted
dream?"
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Emmy fight, Emmy fight!"
[Saturday Night Live sketch]
----
"These toys are just *adorable*! Who would have
guessed that they were inspired by an insane
criminal genius?"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Ella, Ella, Ella... Never knock on Death's door.
Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates
that."
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"You mean there's no one
with principles left in
our family?"
"There's always Mom."
"Nnnnnaaaah.... She's no
DAMN good anymore,
either!"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"There are 10 pins in my heart. You've knocked
over eight; won't you please pick up that spare?"
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"`The Perfect Crime'?! Who do you think you are,
president of a Savings and Loan?"
[I've forgotten! DOCTOR, DOCTOR? TINY TOON ADVENTURES?]
----
"An article in MONEY magazine named Bremerton
[Washington] as the Most Livable city in the
United States. According to the article, cities
were rated on three factors: economic vitality,
housing costs, and number of drunken sailors."
-- The John Report
----
"And now is the time on Sprockets when we dance."
[Saturday Night Live]
----
"Cooper... I think I'm
going to head out, too."
"Oh, not yet, Harry -- we
still haven't heard from
the Log Lady."
"Cooper, you're not going
to hear from the Log
Lady."
"Why not?"
"...Well, because there's
only two women left on
Saturday Night Live, and
we've already used them
both up."
[Saturday Night Live]
----
"`Dear Agent Cooper: I killed Laura Palmer.
Signed, Leo Johnson.' `Dear Agent Cooper:
Wondering if you got my first note re: my killing
of Laura Palmer. Signed, Leo Johnson.' `Dear
Agent Cooper: Why no response about me killing
Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not,
please forward to proper authorities. Signed, Leo
(the murderer of Laura Palmer) Johnson.'"
[Saturday Night Live]
----
"vi: the look-and-feel of Hollerith cards, but
without the added bulk!"
-- David Jacobson
----
Selections from "New Crossbred `ISMs' for the 90s":
Blaspheminism:
"Take the patriarchy and stuff it up your
Messiah."
Andy Cappitalism:
"Lend me five quid, luv?" "Cor, you're not
investing in S&Ls again!?"
Parterrorism:
"Take this plane to Cuba or we overwater the
flower garden!"
Superegotism:
"My conscience is bigger than yours."
Seconaltruism:
"I love humanity... as long as I take these
pills twice a day."
Christmasochism:
"It's December 23rd! I must get to the
mall!"
-- Ranjit Bhatnagar
----
"We are destined to flunk most egregiously."
-- BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT
ADVENTURE
----
"For openers, the worst week of my life was spent
learning C and programming an 8051 ($2 washing
machine controller) to talk to an IBM PC. After
ten years hacking Lisp Machines, God had finally
sent me a machine commensurate with my abilities."
-- Philip Greenspun
----
"`Okra Natodl.' `Live Long
and Prosper.' Doesn't
anyone just say `Hello'
anymore?"
"What was that, doctor?"
"Nothing important."
"How consistent."
[STAR TREK, the comic]
----
"And now... the ape-man stalks his prey, much like
Ngowa the lion or Ngalla the elk or Ngoomba the
Knight of Pythias."
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"By George, it's fantastic how the minute these
characters get into a comic book, they start
acting in bad taste."
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"Once more I go to fight for law and order... For
justice... But mainly for adding [a] sadistic
element that is such a vital part of comic books!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"By George! I actually knocked him out without any
extra spinach!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"Don't fool with me,
Superduperman! *I'm* as
strong as an OX!"
"...*I'm* as strong as
TWO oxes!"
"*I'm* as strong as a
CAR!"
"*I'm* as strong as TWO
cars!"
"*I'm* as strong as THREE
cars!"
"Anything you say you're
strong as I'm DOUBLE!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"Do you know WHY I was trying to get you beat up?
I'll tell you why!... Because I am `Mad-Man
Swee'Back'... The BROCCOLI King, that's why!... I
own the biggest broccoli business in the world,
that's why!... But when kids want to get strong,
do they eat broccoli?... NO!... Because of you,
they eat SPINACH! So what if there's iron in
spinach!... There's iron in BROCCOLI!... There's
iron in PRUNES!.... There's iron in RAISINS!...
But when kids want to get strong, they choose
gritty, lumpy old SPINACH! BECAUSE A MISERABLE,
SQUINTY-EYED SAILOR BEATS UP EVERYBODY, THEY
CHOOSE SPINACH! THAT'S WHY!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Popeye satire.]
----
"Well... On to the next
youngster!... Sonny...
What would you like to be
when you grow up?... A
police chief?... A
fireman?... A Indian?
Or, (hot-dog), maybe a
JET-FIGHTER PILOT? HUH?
Huh? Huh? Huh?"
"Please, Buffalo Bill...
Don't be juvenile!... If
one had the choice, it
would probably be
soundest to get into a
white-collar occupation
such as an investment
broker or some-such!"
[Good Ol' Harvey Kurtzman, in his MAD Howdy-Doody satire.]
----
"You're giving in to mob
mentality, Dad."
"No, I'm not, son. I'm
hopping on the
bandwagon. Get with the
winning team."
[THE SIMPSONS]
----
"Can't let you get
involved, it's too
dangerous."
"I'm a big girl."
"Yeah... and in all the
right places, too."
[NORTH BY NORTHWEST]
----
"This game lends itself to certain abuses."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES on Calvinball]
----
"Just as the kid gets
really hooked, the
battery runs out."
"MAYDAY, MAYDAY, WE'RE
OUT OF JUICE! OHHHHH,
YOU'VE KILLED ME, Youuu
littttle
shhhhitttheaddd...."
[The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video]
----
"What'll the radium do to
the kids?"
"Who knows? It could
turn them into old men
overnight, or they could
stay young forever.
What do you want, I'm
not a liar!"
"I'll write a disclaimer
at once..... in
JAPANESE!! Har har har!"
[The Firesign Theater's HOT SHORTS video]
----
"Do you know who I am?"
"...No."
"I'm Adam."
"......Oh, I'm Chef
Boy-Ar-Dee."
[Rob Morrow and Adam Arkin in a beautiful bit from NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Y'know, it's like Jung
says: the unconscious,
it's revealed through the
imagery of our dreams,
which express our
innermost fears, and our
desires."
"Jung said that?"
"Yeah, I think it was
Jung.... Maybe Vincent
Price."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"You went to cooking
school in Buffalo?"
"HEY!... No Buffalo
jokes!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"WHO ARE YOU?"
"Hello, boys! I am Carl
Jung; and while I know
much about the
collective unconscious,
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
DRIVE!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
[One of the best dream sequences I've seen, from NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Well that makes
daddy a..."
"TRAVELIN' MAN!"
"I knew somethin' was up
by the way they played
bridge."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"One of the delights known to age, and beyond the
grasp of youth, is that of Not Going."
-- J.B. Priestly
----
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a
swill bucket."
-- George Orwell
----
"France is the only country where the money falls
apart and you can't tear the toilet paper."
-- Billy Wilder
----
"The function of socialism is to raise suffering to
a higher level."
-- Norman Mailer
----
"The main difference between men and women is that
men are lunatics and women are idiots."
-- Rebecca West
----
"Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable
in terms of the not worth knowing."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas
and live in Hell."
-- Philip Sheridan
----
"It could probably be shown by facts and figures
that there is no distinctively native American
criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
----
"Success and failure are equally disastrous."
-- Tennessee Williams
----
"College football would be more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students -- there
would be a great increase in broken arms, legs and
necks."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"There are few minds to which tyranny is not
delightful."
-- Samuel Johnson
----
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't
the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment."
-- Robert Benchley
----
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting
more sex than you are."
-- Victor Lownes
----
"I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts
you in your effort to believe it."
-- Wilson Mizner
----
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
-- H.G. Wells
----
"Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars
in old clothes."
-- Don Marquis
----
"Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them
so much."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"The need of exercise is a modern superstition,
invented by people who ate too much and had
nothing to think about."
-- George Santayana
----
"I like BONANZA! Ben, Joe, Hoss, the bald guy..."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"Relationships are complex because they are part
real, part imaginary."
-- Martin F. Terman
----
"On the contrary, you were most attractive, and as
for forbidding, you were anything but. But you
were also a little the worse, or better, for wine,
and there are rules about that."
[Jimmy Stewart in THE PHILADELPHIA STORY]
----
"Yes, yes, you were right in the Burmese amber
case, the Chilean nitrates, the Assam tea
poisoners, AND the Times crossword last Friday.
All the same, you leave for Palestine on
Saturday!"
[Ralph Richardson's boss (what a job!) from Q PLANES]
----
"I remind you: everything
you say will be held
against you."
"Well, in that case:
Marlene Dietrich!"
[A 1943 movie, CRAZY HOUSE]
----
"Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge... PUT
TOGETHER!"
[Ack! It's Lena Lamont, from SINGIN' IN THE RAIN!]
----
"You are now a WORLD-CLASS
hopeless romantic."
"No, hopeful. Hopeful
romantic."
[ROMANCING THE STONE]
----
"SHE picked ME up, sir."
"Well, you have to say
that to get it on
expenses, don't you?"
['Arry Palmer, from FUNERAL IN BERLIN]
----
"Kill me and I'll see that you never work in this
town again!"
[THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS]
----
"It took nature about a million years to come up
with Grant's gazelle. It will take about another
hundred years to come up with the man you have in
mind."
[THE COMPETITION]
----
"Grant can be very outspoken, but not by anybody I
know."
[Katherine Hepburn in STATE OF THE UNION]
----
"Do you play chess?"
"Yes, but I prefer a game
with a better chance of
cheating."
[FUNERAL IN BERLIN]
----
"Death cannot be assumed
simply because signs of
life are not present!
Hasn't that medical
school of yours taught
you how to take a pulse?"
"We have touched on it,
but mostly, we cut up
things."
[THE WRONG BOX]
----
"And besides - it isn't the principle of the thing,
it's the money!"
-- Daffy Duck
----
"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet
mice."
-- Foghorn Leghorn
----
"I WANT MY EPIDURAL!"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"I think you're pretty tough, don't I?"
-- Daffy Duck
----
"O mighty warrior of fine fighting stock,
May I enquire to ask...`What's up doc?'"
[From WHAT'S OPERA, DOC?]
----
Selections from The Petroleum Institute's
TOP TEN REASONS FOR THE INCREASE IN GASOLINE PRICES:
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something
like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is
gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out
the S&L's.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that
was last time.
-- Greg Scott
----
"Drugs are the product of Satan. Drug users need
to be saved by the Holy Power of Jesus Christ."
-- William Bennett
----
"God will forgive me; that's his business."
-- Heinrich Heine
----
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead
horse."
-- Groucho Marx
----
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.
People are either charming or tedious."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"The golden rule is that there are no golden
rules."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
"We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it
from God to the medical profession."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
"Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no
mother."
-- Germaine Greer
----
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
----
"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point
in writing."
-- Kingsley Amis
----
"Journalism justifies its own existence by the
great Darwinian principle of the survival of the
vulgarist."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"I'm not one to believe in magic
Though my memory has a second-sight;
I'm not one to go pointing my finger
When I radiate more heat than light."
-- N. Peart
----
"There is no safe seat at the feast
Take your best stab at the beast
The night is turning thin
The saint is turning to sin."
-- N. Peart
----
"To the beautiful and the wise
The mirror always lies."
-- N. Peart
----
"Hee, hee! Fortunately,
they forgot to read me my
rights!"
"Psst! Sir! The guests
are nodding off!"
[Doonsebury]
----
"I'm very strong on loyalties."
-- George Steinbrenner
----
"For what were all these country patriots born? To
hunt, and vote, and raise the price of corn."
-- Lord Byron
----
"To strike freedom of the mind with the fist of
patriotism is an old and ugly subtlety."
-- Adlai Stevenson
----
"Q: What is the difference between `The Twilight
Zone' and `Silver Spoons'?
A: `The Twilight Zone' only *occasionally*
featured the adventures of hideous mutants."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Maggie."
"What?"
"He's wearing Old Spice."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
Selections from YEAR'S WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES:
* Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
* I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past
* I Got Tears in My Eyes From Lying on My Back
Crying on My Pillow Over You
* It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad
* Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show
* This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
* She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the
Whole Danged World
* How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?
* I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
* Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth (Because I'm
Kissing You Goodbye)
[Mark Harden, Scripps Howard News Service]
----
Seen on a T-shirt at the recent Bush/Gorbachev summit:
"Together at last! CIA-KGB: Now we're everywhere!"
-- The Economist
----
"Where's Amnesty International when it comes to
Joel Fleischman?"
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"It's not a movie, it's a
documentary."
"Oh, yeah? I *like*
those! Animals kill
each other; that bald
guy sells insurance."
[NORTHERN EXPOSURE]
----
"This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.
This is your brain on drugs, with bacon. (Free
Jetsons mug thrown in with each purchase.)"
[Some grafitti, altered towards the end by moi.]
----
"I chose and my world was shaken.
So what?
The choice may have been mistaken --
The choosing was not."
-- Stephen Sondheim, SUNDAY IN
THE PARK WITH GEORGE
----
"When in doubt, act like Myrna Loy."
-- Cynthia Heimel
----
"This is rigorous. Well, it's rigorous in the
sense that ... All right, it's not rigorous."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"FORTRAN... Then, as now, the language used by
scientists with real problems."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"It's a *real* integer, not just any old integer."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"I've never tried dividing both sides by infinity
before, so here goes."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"I shall explain this by waving my hands about in
an appropriate manner."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't
work either."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"The object of this lecture is to frighten half of
you away."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"When you stick your fingers in the mains, its not
the imaginary component which you will feel."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"Of course this is true for more general values of 5."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"I, knave, am Sir O of K, Earl of Watercress, Sir
Osis of the Liver, Knight of the Garter, and Baron
of Westershistershustershestershiresure."
[Bugs Bunny, "Knight-mare Hare"]
----
"Here at Marvel, we don't hire writers."
-- Tom DeFalco
----
"It's only words . . . unless they're true."
-- David Mamet
----
"Communism is like one big phone company."
-- Lenny Bruce
----
"My pessimism extends to the point of even
suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists."
-- Jean Rostand
----
"A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing,
clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by."
-- Christopher Morley
----
"Few things are harder to put up with than the
annoyance of a good example."
-- Mark Twain
----
"The English instinctively admire any man who has
no talent and is modest about it."
-- James Agate
----
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of
people who have no brothers."
-- Charles Chincholles
----
"Grub first, then ethics."
-- Bertolt Brecht
----
"I love children, especially when they cry, for
then someone takes them away."
-- Nancy Mitford
----
"The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the
glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the
appalling things that other people think about
us."
-- Quentin Crisp
----
"I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere."
-- Fran Lebowitz
----
"Hell is other people."
-- Jean-Paul Sartre
----
"Early to rise and early to bed
Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."
-- James Thurber
----
"If you can't say anything good about a person, sit
right here by me."
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
----
"Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once
the world becomes explicable."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"Life is a zoo in a jungle."
-- Peter De Vries
----
"It's a man's world, and you men can have it."
-- Katherine Anne Porter
----
"The music at a wedding procession always reminds
me of the music of soldiers going into battle."
-- Heinrich Heine
----
"I like children. If they're properly cooked."
-- W.C. Fields
----
"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little."
-- Gore Vidal
----
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised
all the time."
-- Nietzsche
----
"We all learn by experience, but some of us have to
go to summer school."
-- Peter De Vries
----
"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer
reading."
-- Logan Pearsall Smith
----
"For certain people after fifty, litigation takes
the place of sex."
-- Gore Vidal
----
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards
who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves."
-- August Strindberg
----
"When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed
in my absence and sentenced to death in my
absence, so I said they could shoot me in my
absence."
-- Brendan Behan
----
"CREATOR: A comedian whose audience is afraid to
laugh."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"How I wish there were even a small cafe to sit in.
With men in tuxedos, and cappuccines, and bad
expatriate jazz."
-- M. BUTTERFLY
----
"I have given up reading books; I find that it
takes my mind off myself."
-- Oscar Levant
----
Regarding the fuss being made over PINK FLAMINGOS
in Florida:
"All this does for me is make my lecture fee go up.
Thanks for the publicity on a 20-year-old film
people were starting to forget in the first
place."
-- John Waters
----
"This is a one line proof... if we start
sufficiently far to the left."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"This handout is not produced for your erudition
but merely so I can practice the TeX
word-processor."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"You could define the subspace topology this way,
if you were sufficiently malicious."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"Sex and drugs? They're nothing compared with a
good proof!"
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"This course will contain a lot of charm and beauty
but very little truth."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"Now we'll prove the theorem. In fact I'll prove
it all by myself."
[Cambridge University Math Dept.]
----
"in the dead of the night, a shimmering light
gleam of the blade, and the devil is paid
when the axe comes down, a chiwwing sound
blade hits the head, another wabbit's dead
i'm a rabbit swayer, a guitar pwayer
with a nasty habit... kill da wabbit!
kill da wabbit, kill da wabbit
hehehehehehehehe..."
-- "Ozzy Fudd, Rabbit Killer",
Marc McCullen
----
Dan Quayle is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos.
[?]
----
"Here's to God Almighty, the laziest man in town."
[Saw it on someone's signoff line -- ?]
----
"Real nice. Hey, by the way, what did God have for
breakfast this morning?"
-- Ron D. Harvey
----
"Sometimes you confuse me with Santa Claus
It's the big white beard, I suppose."
-- Elvis Costello, "God's Comic"
----
"Macavity's a Mystery Cat:
He's called the Hidden Paw --
For he's the master criminal
Who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard,
The Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime --
Macavity's not there!"
-- T. S. Eliot
----
"If you're going faster than 90 MPH and they chase
you -- make 'em *earn* it."
[Again, off the net]
----
"`Spock-O?'"
"We drove a flivver."
"I have no doubt."
[One of Spock's old aquaintances startles dear old Dad... DC's STAR TREK comic]
----
"Blowers, flivvers... a
colorful language."
"The surface has barely
been scratched."
[Colorful language discussed by Spock and his father; DC's STAR TREK comic]
----
"I believe in the the wisdom of the man who saved
my life. I believe that rules are excellent
guidelines, but that man must must be allowed to
interpret them, or he is not a man. My people are
not as advanced as yours, but the truth of my
words is plain. If you do not see it... then
perhaps you are not as advanced as you think you
are."
[A child king comments on the Prime Directive in STAR TREK, the comic]
----
"What do y'think?"
"We'll be accused of
playing dirty tricks --
again."
"Oh, I have nothing
against dirty tricks,
provided they are deeply
felt and really sincere."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"I have no opinions, sir."
"You're a wise man,
Inspector; I have
opinions, and look what
happened."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"We must be seen to be
friends... unity and
strength!"
"That's what it said on
my corn flakes package."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"Plus a senior minister is
screwing a young lady
from Hampstead Labor
Party."
"I always assumed that
was more or less why
young ladies *joined*
the Hampstead Labor
Party."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"Am I still Public Enemy
#1?"
"With Vlad the Impaler a
really bad second,
yeah."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first
send to Sheffield."
[A VERY BRITISH COUP]
----
"Besides, I've fallen madly in love with the dark
side of your nature."
[THE STUNT MAN]
----
"You constantly amaze me. You don't go to movies
-- what are you, a communist?"
[THE STUNT MAN]
----
"`Gooks'? That has a
nostalgic ring! You
really did call them
gooks? I thought that
was just TIME magazine."
"That's 'Nam. If I
called 'em wops,
nobody'd know what the
hell I was talkin'
about."
[THE STUNT MAN]
----
"I was runnin' for 26 months with guys shootin' --
AT my head, not over my head. I'm here; I'm
alive. I knew daredevils. An' I ain't got
nothin' against 'em, it's just that they're all
dead."
[THE STUNT MAN]
----
"If God could do the tricks that we can do, He'd be
a happy man..."
[THE STUNT MAN]
----
Michael Rooker on HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER,
in which he played the title role:
"This movie scares me... I like musicals."
----
"Some day, when you're President of the United
States, you'll be able to say `My father is a
tout.'"
[AFTER THE THIN MAN]
----
Selections from TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR DISNEYWORLD
ATTRACTIONS :
10. The Audio-Anamatronic Dan Quayle
8. Slug Rides
7. Mr. Toad's Gut-O-Rama
6. Pluto Gets Fixed
3. The Haunted Condo
2. Drug Runners of the Carribean
-- Daniel Pearl
----
That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said, "goodbye."
[From (of all places) Time magazine]
----
"Now poison's good, and daggers, and arrows in the back;
And if you're really desperate you can try a front attack.
But why commit a murder, and risk the fires of hell,
When black widows in the privy will do it just as well?"
-- Heather Rose Jones
----
Disclaimer: That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
[Saw it on the net]
----
"There are very few personal problems which cannot
be solved by a suitable application of high
explosives."
[UNCOMMON VALOR]
----
"Cup O' Atmosphere -- Just add Arnold."
-- Rob Ferguson
----
"MARQUIS: One of the few films I've seen where the
penis has all the best lines."
-- Rob Ferguson
----
"Commercials here have dancing cats, singing
raisins and a little man driving a boat in a
toilet. And then they tell you, `Don't use
drugs.'"
-- Yakov Smirnoff
----
"There are no good wars, with the following
exceptions... The American Revolution, World War
II, and the Star Wars Trilogy."
-- Bart Simpson
----
Selections from TOP TEN SOVIET DEMANDS OF LITHUANIA:
10. Must publicly claim that Yakov Smirnoff is
actually from Lithuania
9. Stop sending the tape of the trampling of
the USSR's flag to America's Funniest Home
Videos
8. Must stop holding annual "Lithium Mania"
festival
6. Television stations must stop playing "Funky
President" underneath Gorbachev's speeches
4. Get those damned Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles off their new flag
2. President Landsbergis must take part in the
"Barney Miller" TV reunion
-- Peter Dill
----
"Look -- it's a crime in
progress! Take that!
*POK* And that! *POK*
*POK* Ooh, I think I got
a couple of them."
"They're making a TV
show, you goof."
"Don't they know that
shows like that promote
violent behavior?"
[SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
----
"When you run a picture of a nice, clean
all-American girl like this, get her tits above
the fold."
-- Al Neuharth, USA Today
publisher
----
"We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp
unless said person is deceased. My suggestion,
therefore, is that you drop dead."
-- Postmaster General James E.
Day
----
"You don't preach revolution on the streets of this
country without renting drawer space somewhere in
Washington."
[Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
----
"You're quite a girl,
Norma. I'll bet you get
all kinds of Romeos in
here, uh, begging for
favors. How do you keep
them from your door?"
"I usually tell them I
have a homicidally
jealous husband who's
doing 3 to 5 for
manslaughter, but he
expects to be a
productive member of
society real soon."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I changed my mind, mommy.
I don't want to be a
ballerina when I grow up.
I want to be a lumberjack
instead."
"Wonderful! What changed
your mind?"
"I saw a really neat Monty
Python movie."
[I got this one from Gordon Davisson]
----
"Now would you PLEASE tell
me what on Earth
convinced you to paint
the Last Supper with
THREE Christs in it!?!?!"
"It works, mate!"
"It does NOT work!"
"Of course it does! The
fat one balances the two
skinny ones!"
[MONTY PYTHON LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL]
----
"Nadine, there's plenty of patent attorneys. We
just gonna have to keep on lookin' till we find
one that understands drape runners."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Harry, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Every day... once a day... give yourself a
present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it;
just... let it happen. Could be a new shirt at
the men's store, a cat-nap in your office, or...
two cups of good, hot, black coffee."
[TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Hand over all your money
in a paper bag!"
"Yes, yes, I know the
procedure for armed
robbery. I do work in a
convenience store you
know."
[The Krusty episode of THE SIMPSONS]
----
"I was sitting on the floor...and all the Beverly
Hills Police Department was looking at my
legs -- which, thank God, are good."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
----
"And you're telling me that
Mel Profitt is the boss?"
"No Buckwheat, Mel
Profitt is God. Where
he walks the ground
shakes. Make him happy,
you get wealthy over
night. Cross him, the
ground opens up and
swallows you."
"That's where you come
in."
"We all have our place in
line."
[The essence of Roger Lacocco, from WISEGUY]
----
"They're players, Sugar. We are all players in the
Profitt school of high income and hard knocks. We
live fast, burn out early, and die young with nice
tans."
[Mel Profitt groupie, from WISEGUY]
----
"I sell peace and tranquility at reasonable rates
to deserving clientele."
[Roger, from WISEGUY]
----
"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through
the house, not a creature was stirring, except for
the 4 assholes coming around back in standard 2 by
2 formation."
[DIE HARD]
----
"Before Twin Peaks there was...... GREEN ACRES!"
[A CBS ad...]
----
"The documentary-makers know darned good and well
that the viewers aren't going to remain glued to
their seats to watch divers paddling around in
waters infested by, for example, clams, so they
stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat,
so as to infest the waters. I would estimate that
the primary food source of sharks today is
bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are
generally fairly listless. The general shark
attitude seems to be: `Oh, God, another
documentary.' So the divers have to somehow goad
them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific
Research. `We know very little about the effect
of electricity on sharks,' the narrator will say,
in a deeply scientific voice. `That is why Todd
is going to jab this Great White in the testicles
with a cattle prod.' The divers keep this kind of
thing up until the shark finally gets irritated
and snaps at them, and then they act as though
this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
development, although clearly it is what they
wanted all along."
-- Dave Barry
----
"If you don't want to own a gun, you can take up
karate, a form of martial arts in which people who
have had years and years of training can, using
only their hands and feet, make some of the worst
movies in the history of the world. They can also
break boards, which could be very useful if an
intruder enters your home and tries to hide behind
your spare lumber so the dog can't get at him."
-- Dave Barry
----
"First, let's talk about the word `football'. In
most nations, when people say `football', they
mean `soccer', which is a completely different
game in which smallish persons whiz about on a
field while the spectators beat each other up and
eventually overthrow the government. I don't know
why the other nations call soccer `football', but
I suspect it has something to do with the metric
system and I say the hell with it."
-- Dave Barry
----
"Never believe anything airline employees say about
when a plane will land or take off. No matter how
badly the schedule is screwed up, they will claim
everything is fine, because otherwise you might
realize it would be faster to walk to your
destination. Let's say you're waiting for Flight
206, which is an hour late, and you ask an agent
at the ticket counter when it's due in. He'll
punch a few buttons on his computer, which will
give him this message: `FLIGHT 206 HAS
CRASH-LANDED ON A REMOTE CORAL REEF IN THE SOUTH
PACIFIC AND ALL THE TIRES ARE FLAT AND THE ENGINES
ARE BROKEN AND THE PASSENGERS AND CREW ARE BEING
HELD AT GUNPOINT BY PALESTINIAN HIJACKERS ARMED
WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND THERE IS A VERY HEAVY
FOG.' The agent will look you cheerfully in the
eye and say: `It should be here any minute now.'"
-- Dave Barry
----
"The rest of us have to fly via commercial
airliner, which is less pleasant because federal
law requires commercial airliners to carry infants
trained to squall at altitudes above two hundred
feet. This keeps the passengers calm, because
they're all thinking, `I wish somebody would stuff
a towel into that infant's mouth,' which prevents
them from thinking, `I am thirty-five thousand
feet up in the air riding in an extremely
sophisticated and complex piece of machinery
controlled by a person with a Southern accent.'"
-- Dave Barry
----
"Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons!
Those are alien beings! They are all around us!
I'm sure most of you have seen the movie E.T.,
which is the story of an alien who almost dies
when he falls into the clutches of the American
medical-care establishment, but is saved by
preadolescent boys. Everybody believes that the
alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects. But
watch the movie closely next time. The alien is
real! The BOYS are fakes! REAL preadolescent
boys would have beaten the alien to death with
rocks."
-- Dave Barry
----
Jeff Meyer
excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed
in the next several days. Congress is thinking
about eliminating a federal program under which
scientists broadcast signals to alien beings.
This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have
atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
their federal programs as if they were merely poor
people."
-- Dave Barry
----
"Take joggers. You see them running along the
street, clearly hating every second of it, and you
say, `What's the point?' Ha. Years from now,
you'll struggle to adjust to the aches and pains
of growing older, whereas the joggers, who have
been in constant agony for fifteen or twenty
years, will be able to make the transition
smoothly, unless they've committed suicide."
-- Dave Barry
----
"If you can possibly manage it, you should avoid
being a young person or a wheat farmer when the
president starts feeling international tension."
-- Dave Barry
----
"Look closely at Central America, and try to
imagine what would happen if this vital region
were to fall into Communist hands. What would
happen is a lot of Communists would be stung
repeatedly by vicious tropical insects the size of
mature hamsters."
-- Dave Barry
----
"What cartoon rodent
created an uproar when he
was accused of being on
drugs?"
"Speedy Gonzalez?"
[REMOTE CONTROL]
----
"To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies, you
are his heir, you come back to find that hardly
was the corpse cold before his young brother
popped onto his throne and into his sheets,
thereby offending both legal and natural practice.
Now why exactly are you behaving in this
extraordinary manner?"
-- ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN
ARE DEAD
----
"Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery!
All the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a good quarrel
to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon."
[TROILUS AND CRESSIDA, Shakespeare]
----
"World Domination t-shirts are available from the
BBC, World Domination Department, Cardiff."
[From the "Mr. Neutron" episode of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS]
----
"Five to one baby, one in five,
No one here gets out alive"
-- The Doors
----
"Go ahead, ya fuckin' monster! KILL ME! Ms. N!
The New Superman! `The Will Made Manifest'!!
BULLSHIT! THIS is the REAL you, huh? Just
another asshole monster! Some avatar of the
future YOU are... Blood 'N' Guts -- same old shit!
You called *me* weak? *I'm* a stupid ape?! HA!
How much *strength* does it take to be a slave to
hatred? How smart ya gotta be t' RIP OUT
SOMEBODY'S THROAT?"
[From the Go-Man adventure in "N"]
----
"Nah... you're the mob,
*you're* the mob in this
room, Vinnie. I'm just
your average
entrepreneur."
"I *saw* you *garotte* a
man IN MY *FACE*!!"
"That's RIGHT, I'd do it
AGAIN, but I'd do it
*MYSELF*! I don't have
to send TEENAGERS off to
the SLAUGHTER and the
next day MAKE EXCUSES FOR
IT IN THE OP ED PAGE!!"
[Sonny and Vinnie having it out in the penultimate episode of WISEGUY's
Steelgrave arc]
----
"This is *NOT* ABOUT
TAXES!!"
"THEN WHAT'S IT ABOUT,
MAN?!!"
"This is about the *core*
of yourself that *cannot*
be excused by whatever it
is about you I admire!
This is about the *need*
in your life *not* to run
rampant over other
people's lives simply
because your fire *burns*
*brighter*!
"Hey... this is about the
*LAW*, man!"
"I *loved* you, man."
[R.I.P., Sonny Steelgrave. WISEGUY, "Nobody Gets Out Of Here Alive."]
----
"Ronald Reagan becomes President?.... What a
bummer."
[The Immortal Man, inhabiting a 60's form, from ANIMAL MAN]
----
"AAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!.....
Two-minute warning."
[Frank McPike lets off some steam in WISEGUY]
----
"DIE, MANAGERIAL SWINE!! DIE, YUPPIE SCUM!!"
[Oh, No! It's The Terror! (Arf, arf!) from Steve Gerber's SHE-HULK]
----
"Don't bother. Just tell
me -- after hearing that
story -- are you going to
laugh WITH me or AT me?"
"AT."
"Figured as much."
[The Terror and The Critic, from SHE-HULK]
----
"Good evening, lowly clerk. Where is your Pez?"
[THE TICK, you silly person.]
----
"We only just got Andy
Warhol."
"Warhol's here?"
"Eighteen of him. Of all
my subjects, he seemed
most delighted with an
artificial body, and
suggested that I
mass-produce it. I
acquiesced. It seemed an
interesting idea. He
interviews himselves, or
gangs up on Truman Capote
in debates."
[The new Hades, from Moore and Totleben's MIRACLEMAN #16]
----
"Hey... relax!"
-- Go-Man
----
"Remember, kid: FIGHT with LOVE! And if you can't
Fight with Love: FIGHT WITH FUN!"
[GO-MAN's mentor, Dr. Venus. Whatta sweet guy...]
----
"I didn't get to be an old coot by playing footsie
with geeks."
[Harry the Hump gives his impressions on snitching to McPike on WISEGUY]
----
"My family."
"You know, I've got a
family too, pal; and you
don't give a damn about
them."
[A few ironic words from McPike to Don Baglia in WISEGUY]
----
"Daryl... you're a *good* bureaucrat. Heavy
action for you is the whirlpool at the Agency
toilets. Now this is a mop-up operation in a war
zone, you be a good guy and leave it to the
warriors."
[Frank lets Daryl have it on WISEGUY]
----
"When the stars were yet aborning, the race which
spawned me was already deep in Fuddy-Duddyism. We
were your basic `Shining City on a Hill' -- a
noble civilization whose arts and sciences
flowered, even within the constraints of a
balanced budget.
"It was, we felt, our obligation to impart our
boundless knowledge to other, less advanced races.
So we tried -- but, like dummies, we gave them
fission technology instead of haikus or the
ukelele or something. The result was predictable.
Our first experiment with altruism was also our
last.
"Gravely embarrassed, most of my race retreated into
passive observation of the universe. They are
called The Watchers. I hail from a splinter
faction. We watch, too -- but feel compelled to
deliver piquant commentary on what we see.
"For we are... The Critics."
[The Critic, from SHE-HULK]
----
"But... you're a duck!"
"True. But I know DOS,
and I type with all
eight fingers -- which
is more than you can say
for most computer
salesmen."
[Yup, Howard. From SHE-HULK]
----
"Remember the 60's,
Vinnie?"
"Yeah."
"How are ya gonna remember
this? How ya gonna
remember me, Vinnie?"
[The last hours of Sonny Steelgrave, from WISEGUY]
----
"You would welcome death as friend, then, Animal
Man? Would you? Death is not interested in your
friendship. Death is impartial. Irrational.
Wayward."
[Well, what do you expect from a demon? Sally Jesse Rapheal? From ANIMAL MAN.]
----
"Now, let me get this straight... your ENTIRE
COUNTRY is above the timberline?"
[Pete contemplates the horror of a land without trees in TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I don't know... the beard sort of ruins the effect
of the lingerie, what do you think?"
[Mr. Style, Special Agent Dale Cooper, from TWIN PEAKS]
----
"About time you got here... they move so slowly
when they're not afraid."
[The Log Lady talking to her log. From TWIN PEAKS.]
----
"I've got tea, I've got
cookies... no cake."
"That's very kind of you,
ma'am, but..."
"What kind of cookies?"
"Sugar. The owls won't
see us in here."
[Those darn owls! From TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Hope the herring holds out."
[Brother Ben, from TWIN PEAKS]
----
"It was revealed this week that the Contras are
breaking up, because one of them is dating Yoko."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"On Thursday, former Capt. Joseph Hazelwood, whose
absence from the bridge of his ship was blamed for
the [Exxon Valdez] disaster, was acquitted of all
but one minor charge. When asked how he was going
to celebrate the decision, Hazelwood said he was
going to get `really ripped' and drive a gasoline
tanker truck down San Francisco's Lombard street."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"My friendship's not for sale. But I do give
private consultations to the rich and socially
unacceptable."
[Business Practices by Sonny Steelgrave]
----
"I know that you were
behind it, Sid."
"Pardon?"
"`Pardon?'.... Not in this
organization."
[Sonny and Sid's first major confrontation on WISEGUY]
----
"I've lived without X-MEN for about four years now,
and I'm happy to say that I haven't had the urge
to light one up in months."
[moi]
----
"Does your mother have any
idea what a total *dink*
you turned into, Frank?"
"My *mother*... thinks
I'm *adorable*."
[Frank McPike and Vinnie Terranova meet, on WISEGUY]
----
"I have no mouse and I must click."
-- Richard Sexton
----
"Ha ha ha... now *this* is
irony."
"Naw, 't's a fruit cake."
[Susan's 5th Christmas cheesecake, from BAKER STREET]
----
"Welcome to the real world, ladies. Intelligence
is no good to you unless you know how to use it...
and nobody likes a smart ass."
[Nasty 'orrible blighters from BAKER STREET (i.e, inferior help)]
----
"I suppose you think that
was funny."
"I don't know. I'll have
to consult our humor
officer... Mr. Spock,
was that funny?"
"I shall have to analyze
it, sir. It may take
time."
[From DC's STAR TREK comic]
----
"Hold on!"
"Sound advice, Captain."
[Indeed. From DC's STAR TREK comic]
----
"I like Vulcans, you know.
Splendid race."
"Because of our
dedication to logic and
reason?"
"Not at all. It's because
your ears are simply
smashing."
[From DC's STAR TREK comic]
----
"What a perceptive bitch."
[When families fall out... Ron Silver, from the rag trade episode of WISEGUY]
----
"Money isn't enough; it's
the vantage point. It's
making sure that the
right people in your life
always see you from the
vantage point of looking
up... preferably with
their necks craned back
at a 90-degree angle...."
"It's not the looking up;
it's the looking down.
You can't see the pain
in their faces."
"Then I want this deal
played out on street
level."
[A woman with a problem. From the Rag Trade episode of WISEGUY]
----
"Look, it's trying to think."
[It's Albert the obnoxious FBI coroner! From TWIN PEAKS]
----
"I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do,
gentlemen, so please, why don't you return to your
porch rockers and resume whittling?"
[That Albert... TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Nothing beats the taste sensation when maple syrup
<*SLAP*> collides with ham!"
[Agent Cooper likes his breakfasts. From TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Bo knows Elvis. Bo IS Elvis."
[Off the net, from a signoff line]
----
"One minute I'm in the pasture porkin' ponies, the
next I'm a can of Mighty Dog!"
-- Secretariat
[Off the net, from a signoff line]
----
"I'm 36 years old, I love my family, I love
baseball, and I'm about to become a farmer. But
until I heard The Voice, I'd never done a crazy
thing in my life."
-- FIELD OF DREAMS
----
"Think they spotted us?"
"Gimme a donut."
[Stake-out time on TWIN PEAKS. Mmmh-mm! Damn Good Coffee!]
----
"Agent Cooper LOVES coffee."
[He certainly does, but it has to be Damn Good Coffee. From TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Damn good coffee! And HOT!"
[From the classic rock-throwing deduction scene of TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Can I ask her about her
log?"
"Many have."
[Investigating the Log Lady from TWIN PEAKS]
----
"Don't we need a catcher?"
"Not if you get it near
the plate, we don't."
[Ray and Shoeless Joe from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"Un-believable."
"It's more than that.
It's *perfect*."
[Terrance Man and Ray Kinsella from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"Hey, ump! How about a
warning?"
"Sure! `Watch out you
don't get killed!'"
[Moonlight Graham learns the game, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"The one constant through all the years, Ray... has
been *baseball*. America has rolled by like an
army of steamrollers; it has been erased like a
blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But
*baseball*... has marked the time. This field;
this game; it's a part of our past, Ray. It
reminds us of all that once was good, and that
could be again.
"Ohhh.... people will come, Ray. People will most
definitely come."
[James Earl Jone's outstanding speech as Terrance Mann, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"It would *kill* some men
to get that close to
their dream and not touch
it! They'd consider it a
tragedy!"
"Son, if I'd only gotten
to be a doctor for five
minutes... Now, that
would've been a
tragedy."
[Words of wisdom from Dr. Graham, from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"Oh my God!"
"What?"
"You're from the Sixties!"
[Terrance Mann from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"So it's sort of a necktie
for your butt?"
"Let's not be vulgar.
You're just jealous."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"You know how old people always write letters to
Dear Abby complaining that their kids never write,
call or visit? Those letters really crack me up."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Well, being a tiger is
more than just stripes,
you realize."
"Kind of a zen thing,
huh?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their
future remains in doubt.... This explains why I
don't meet many babes."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"I've got to start listening to those quiet,
nagging doubts."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Hard to say, Ma'am. I think my cerebellum just
fused."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Do you believe our
destinies are determined
by the stars?"
"Nah."
"Oh, *I* do."
"Really? How come?"
"Life's a lot more fun
when you're not
responsible for your
actions."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Yeah! If we find the whole thing, we'll be
famous! With the grant money we'll get, we can
buy a Porsche!"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Without question, that
was one of the worst
experiences of my life."
"It built character."
"Oh sure. Why can't I
ever build character at a
Miami condo or a casino
somewhere?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy, these things come in
handy all the time."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your
kid at the same time."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"But I'd still rather see
this with a tiger than a
person."
"Well, that goes without
saying."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Dad finally said he was
sick of arguing with me,
and for all he cared, I
could watch TV until my
brains oozed out my
ears."
"So you're going to?"
"It was a hard-won
privilege."
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
"Who IS this mysterious masked man?? And why has
he never been photographed together with handsome,
6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin?"
-- CALVIN AND HOBBES
----
Why do computers manage
to do things so quickly?
They don't have to
answer the phone.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
"Look, `Ma'... I've done my service as Acolyte at
the Altar of Ideals, and the service always ends
up the same. Idealism, in practice, is
*pragmatism*; pragmatism slowly slides to
*fatalism*, running down the wrong road, pedal to
the metal, *pushing* your future *behind* you!"
[Roger Lacoco espouses philosophy (not Malthus!) from WISEGUY]
----
"I want to be civilized about this, but I don't
want to get screwed. He *is* from Seattle."
[Mark Volchek, being shrewd, from WISEGUY]
----
"Maybe we're close and we
don't know it."
"You mean somewhere
between Walden's Pond
and Skinner's Box?"
[Another shrewd analysis from Roger Lacoco on WISEGUY]
----
"I like these people; they all look like they're
out of a Diane Arbus photograph..."
[A keen observation from Roger Lacoco on WISEGUY]
----
"Opening night, the lead actor disappeared to do a
two-part KOJAK and I lost my show.... but
*spiritually*, it was the right thing to do, wasn't
it, McPike?"
[Mark Volchek spins off the road again, from WISEGUY]
----
"Hurry... Helmut's getting sleepy!"
[WISEGUY]
----
"Frankly, I don't trust him... he's from Seattle."
[Volchek from WISEGUY]
----
"Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans
to pass the Turing test."
-- paraphrased from A DAY FOR
DAMNATION, by David Gerrold
----
pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated
with screen displays. The computer industry has
frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the
sprites in computer graphics, the demons in
artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the
marketing department.
[A humorous computer glossary mailed to me]
----
"Didn't Bill Shatner work
this stage last year?"
"YES!"
[Pointing to floor] "I
thought I saw some hair
down there!"
-- Jonathon Frakes
----
"You're obviously in stage
2: denial."
"No I'm not!"
-- THE SIMPSONS
----
"The parties would have saved time, money, feelings
and relations had they curbed their emotions and
sat down to settle their difference out of
court.... This suit is not the sort of thing
federal courts should spend time and energy upon."
-- U.S. District Judge Lucius
Bunton, regarding the
Motorola-Hitachi case
----
"Me think Petey teach important lesson: not good to
decapitate and disembowel best friend."
[From the NBC Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein Thanksgiving Special skit on SNL]
----
"Your cue, Buckwheat."
[Roger Lacoco directs Volchek's ressurection on WISEGUY]
----
"Death can't be cheated -- not even by Volcheks.
But life can be."
[Lacy makes a shrewd observation that applies to other people besides Volcheks.
WISEGUY]
----
"Since God has given me a cheerful disposition, he
will forgive me for serving him cheerfully."
-- Joseph Haydn
----
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than going to a garage makes you a car."
-- Laurence J. Peter
----
"New York: where everyone mutinies but no one
deserts."
-- Harry Hershfield
----
"England has forty-two religions and two sauces."
-- Voltaire
----
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
-- Fran Lebowitz
----
"You can't expect a boy to be depraved until he has
been to a good school."
-- Saki
----
"Having a family is like having a bowling alley in
your brain."
-- Martin Mull
----
"I took a speed-reading course and read WAR AND
PEACE in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
-- Woody Allen
----
Re: THE HUNT FOR THE RED OCTOBER
"It has not hurt, of course, that the Soviet
Union chose the week of the film's release to
come clean in the pages of "Isvestia" about a
real incident in 1975 -- involving a frigate,
not a submarine -- on which "Red October" is
based. "Damned cordial of them", said Mr.
Clancy during a chat with "The Economist". "I
wonder how much Paramount paid them to do that?"
-- THE ECONOMIST, March 17th
----
"There's a kind of sweetness to Dick Tracy that I
always kind of liked."
-- Warren Beatty
"Come on, you mugs -- start eating a little of
this!" *RATA-TAT-TAT-TAT*
-- Dick Tracy
----
"Ty Cobb wanted to play, but none of us could stand
the sonofabitch when we were alive, so we told him
to stick it."
[Shoeless Joe from FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom."
-- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI)
----
What do you call a
16-year-old girl who
hangs out with musicians?
Tiffany.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
Why do they have a rear
window defroster on the
Yugo?
So your hands stay warm
while you're pushing it.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
Selections from New York Magazines' CREATE YOUR OWN
TABLOID HEADLINE Contest:
- Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master
- I Found Danny DeVito's Head in a Dumpster
- Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth
- Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall
- Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons
- Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin
- Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save
Master
- Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland
- Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall
----
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you
can.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
The difference between philosophy and religion: If
you have an argument over philosophy, you get red
in the face. Over theology you throw bombs.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
What do you get when you
cross a pit bull with a
collie?
A dog that rips your leg
off then runs for help.
[From rec.humor.funny]
----
"All it takes is a little bit of graciousness."
-- Whoopi Goldberg, "Fontaine"
----
"Sounds sort of angry, Frank."
[Lacoco from WISEGUY]
----
"I sell sex... not affection. Affection's free;
but nobody ever asks."
[WISEGUY]
----
"The only codicil I come with is my name. I live
with it; I don't hide from the past."
[Lacoco from WISEGUY]
----
"Well, there are no morally corrupt men
manipulating Vinnie Terranova. He didn't wake up
one morning and say it's wrong-headed, he woke up
and said `It's ugly, I don't wanna look at it any
more.' Well, *I* think it's ugly too, and *I*
don't wanna look at it; but I'm doin' it 'cause I
said I would!"
[Frank blows up on WISEGUY]
----
"To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something
that just happened to other people, wasn't it?"
[BLACK ADDER II]
----
"Not _the_ Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a
Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?"
[BLACK ADDER II]
----
"She's got a tongue like an electric eel and loves
the taste of a man's tonsils..."
-- Lord Flash Heart
[BLACK ADDER II]
----
"You've really got your
banter worked out haven't
you"
"No, this is a new and
spontaneous thing. It's
called wit"
[BLACK ADDER III]
----
"Beatings will continue until morale improves."
-- The Management
----
"Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for
valuable cash prizes."
[Signoff line on the net]
----
"... slowly, slowly, with the velocity of love."
-- Suzanne Ciani
----
"God is in my mind, and the Devil is in my pants."
-- Jonathon Winters
----
"Ron Silver co-stars as a psychotic commodity
trader (perhaps a tautology)..."
-- Craig Good
----
"CBS: Cancelled By Saganski"
-- Kelly Flores
----
"They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being
billed as `Rocky's Greatest Challenge', so I guess
there's an IQ test involved."
-- Jay Leno
----
"Mr. McPike -- I have some
bad news."
"VCR broke?"
[Mark and Frank on WISEGUY]
----
"You're *sorry*. Well... in lieu of a parachute,
here's a hanky!"
[Volchek on WISEGUY]
----
"Get the cop in the pocket BACK in your pants."
[Volchek on WISEGUY]
----
"And the Rev. Adams likes to come in every two
weeks dressed in a leather tux and wants to be
called `Volfie.'"
[WISEGUY]
----
"I practice my passion on
the town... What makes
them so beautiful is that
they require a
specialized pollination
because of a twisted
ovary."
"Are you sane?"
[Mark and Frank on WISEGUY]
----
"...and maybe if we have time, we can see a movie!"
[I wonder which one that might be? Let a smile be your umbrella... WISEGUY]
----
"They were fine men,
Stem."
"They were good dancers,
too."
[Stem begins to loose it on WISEGUY]
----
"Debbie Gibson and dog food. I've always dreamed
of this."
-- Julie Brown
----
"I think life should be more like tv. I think all
of life's problems ought to be solved in 30
minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think
weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest
concerns. I think we should all have powerful,
high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy
sports cars. All our desires should be instantly
gratified. Women should always wear tight
clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns.
Life overall should be more glamorous,
thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you
think?"
-- Calvin and Hobbes
----
"Love is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is
the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"It is always the best policy to tell the truth,
unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good
liar."
-- Jerome K. Jerome
----
"The more one is hated, I find, the happier one
is."
-- Louis Ferdinand Celine
----
"I'm not OK, you're not OK, and that's OK."
-- William Sloane Coffin
----
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
-- Dorothy Parker
----
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't
understand that bother me, it's the part that I do
understand."
-- Mark Twain
----
"It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin
we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that
under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins,
traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."
-- Henry Miller
----
"You never realize how short a month is until you
pay alimony."
-- John Barrymore
----
"The chief obstacle to the progress of the human
race is the human race."
-- Don Marquis
----
"Living in California adds ten years to a man's
life. And those extra ten years I'd like to spend
in New York."
-- Harry Ruby
----
"Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anybody
else."
-- Heywood Broun
----
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from --
ever again."
-- W.C. Fields
----
"You can fool too many of the people too much of
the time."
-- James Thurber
----
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made."
-- Groucho Marx
----
"I have not observed anyone else on board
consulting you about their procreation, Captain."
[Data from ST:TNG]
----
"Mr. Trump spent the week trying to buy off Ivana,
his own estranged wife, who wants more than the
$25m promised her in a per-nuptial settlement
(`IVANA BETTER DEAL' cried the New York Daily
News)."
-- THE ECONOMIST
----
Concerning the Bay Bridge Troll:
"We cannot tolerate any suggestion that our bridges
need a mystical power to ensure safety."
-- Greg Bayol, California
Department of Transportation
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tom Waits
"The man who gargles with rocks. Once an chronicler
of the down & out, now some kind of artist. Smokes
a lot."
-- sco!mar...@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: U2
"Way-talented band that just hit the fucking *wall*
with RATTLE AND HUM."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tina Turner
"Survivor who went from belting soul to slightly
schmaltzy rock. She'll have great legs two years
after she dies."
-- sco!mar...@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: John Tesh
"Is his album 'Tour De France' the music from
Channel 4's coverage? If so, I'll buy it. If not,
I might buy it anyway."
-- Alan Crawford
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: The Police
"I didn't like the Police when they were at the
height of their popularity. But since that has
settled down, I've listened to their old music and
I like it. I know that sounds prejudiced against
popular music but that attitude saved me from the
Bee Gees."
-- Frank J. Schima
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Monty Python
"_The Spam Song_ is surely an epochal work in
twentieth century music."
-- Russ Levreault
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Nena Hagen
"Beverly Sills fights Popeye the Sailor for the
control of one set of vocal cords! Extremely weird
East German with an impressive set of pipes and
not much taste. Very irritating."
-- sco!mar...@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Cream
"The best psychedelic blues rock you could ask for.
Absolutely swimming in drugs."
-- sco!mar...@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Phil Collins
"Ever wonder what Popeye would sound like doing
vocals???"
-- TRM...@PSUVM.PSU.edu
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Phil Collins
"Does he really have to sell Michelob to make ends
meet?"
-- Russ Levreault
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Joe Cocker
"Voted the man least likely to see 1970, in 1969."
-- Paul Maclauchlan
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bruce Cockburn
"Bruce Cockburn is in western Canada still
wondering where the lions are."
-- Paul Mount
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Tracy Chapman
"It's rumored that she is the girl who played "Dee"
on the old TV show `What's Happening'."
-- Anton C Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: John Carpenter
"Hey, Spike Lee may be able to do just about
anything but he still hasn't managed to WRITE AND
PERFORM HIS OWN SOUNDTRACK MUSIC! Haaaaa! Love the
music for BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA -- pure
cheese."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Butthole Surfers
"Any group who starts out a song by screaming
`SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!' can't be too bad..."
-- Richard Caley
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Butthole Surfers
"I have their album `Hairway to Steven'... The
lyrics become intelligible when you play the album
at 45 rpm."
-- Hans Huttel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: David Bowie
"Somewhere between great and terrible."
-- John Gateley
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bon Jovi
"I like one or two songs. Maybe. Don't tell
anybody."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Bon Jovi
"He's basically doing the same things Peter
Frampton did way back when, except he's not as
good at it."
-- rmi...@sbcs.sunysb.edu
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Beatles
"The only British band to have its own newsgroup."
-- Hans Huttel
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Anita Baker
"Adult contemporary at it's adult contemporaryest.
Yawn..."
-- val...@athena.mit.edu
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Johann Sebastian Bach
"Great composer, but hasn't written much lately."
-- Richard Caley
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Joan Armatrading
"She should get more credit than Tracy Chapman, but
she's not always politically correct, and if
there's one thing the music industry can't stand
it's a talented black female folk/rocker who is
NOT politically correct."
-- Anton C Shepps
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Ian Anderson
"Sings, plays flute, cans salmon, what more could
you wish for."
-- Richard Caley
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Alphaville
"Sentimental favorite of billions of US high school
kids who chose `Forever Young' as a class theme
song."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: Alphaville
"Pretty boys with pretty synthesizers and misplaced
feelings for drama."
-- Wingerde van FJ
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: AC/DC
"Perhaps the world's most boring heavy metal band"
-- rmi...@sbcs.sunysb.edu
----
SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY #4: AC/DC
"Eternal adolescents of Australian metal. Actually
quite enjoyable if you turn off your brain."
-- sco!mar...@ucscc.UCSC.EDU
----
Hardware:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Machine-independent program:
A program that will not run on any machine.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Meeting:
An assembly of computer experts coming together to
decide what person or department not represented
in the room must solve the problem.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Office Automation:
The use of computers to improve efficiency in the
office by removing anyone you would want to talk
with over coffee.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an
Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We
had better develop an ADA awareness."
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Performance:
A statement of the speed at which a computer
system works. Or rather, might work under certain
circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over
in Jersey about a month ago.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Regression analysis:
Mathematical techniques for trying to understand
why things are getting worse.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
Strategy:
A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated
until sometime after those creating it have left
the organization.
[From an amusing computer glossary e-mailed to me]
----
"My name's Johnny Nemo, and I'm a bastard. No.
Wait. Let me rephrase that. I'm a bastard, and my
name's Johnny Nemo."
[From the adventures of JOHNNY NEMO.]
----
"It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics.
It's television. It's only television."
-- Linda Ellerbee
----
What do lawyers use for
birth control?
Their personalities.
-- Nolo Press
----
"I must admit I kept having this vision of Worf
standing over the dead body of Q, and saying,
`Whoa. Well, *I'm* convinced.'"
-- Peter David
----
"If the Old Man blows by
you in his weird sports
car, just wave at him."
"Right. What kind of
sport car?"
"I can't pronounce it...
but I think it's Italian
for 'money.'"
[Vinnie and Stem from WISEGUY]
----
"Do I have to take an oath
or something?"
"You swear to do what I
tell you?"
"I swear."
"You've taken the oath."
[Vinnie and Stem from WISEGUY]
----
"Oh, *very* clever, Worf. Eat any good books
lately?"
[Q from ST:TNG]
----
"I have never seen anyone
eat 10 chocolate
sundaes."
"I'm in a REALLY bad
mood."
[Q from ST:TNG]
----
"You're right, of course. I'm extraordinarily
selfish. But it has served me so well in the
past."
[Q from ST:TNG]
----
"I'm IMMORTAL again!
OMNIPOTENT again!"
"Swell."
[Q from ST:TNG]
----
"Mom, it's Prohibition!"
"Oh, shut up -- stop
acting like a fag choir
boy."
[From JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY]
----
"They made it for him
special. It's an .88
Magnum."
"It shoots through
schools."
[From JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY]
----
"The `New Kids On The Block' this week posed for
photographers with their new line of `New Kids On
The Block' dolls. The dolls are incredibly
lifelike and realistic except for one major
difference: the dolls play their own instruments."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"It's rumored that when the divorce becomes final,
Mrs. Trump will leave the city and move back to
Czechoslovakia for a simpler country life. When
asked to comment on that rumor, Mrs. Trump said:
`New York is where I'd rather stay;
I get allergic smelling hay.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Nelson Mandella returned home this week, and
within an hour, was yelling at his neighbors to
keep it down."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Welcome to Bellevue, where Microsoft works on
pull-down menus, and the highway department works
on pop-up bridges."
[Off the net]
----
"I-5, official parking lot of the Goodwill Games."
[Off the net]
----
"It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a
conservative without changing a single idea."
-- Robert Anton Wilson
----
"I know what you mean. The show is so of the
moment and so culture-locked that it doesn't have
a really good shelf life, and my persona's the
same way. CAN I be 'Ed the caretaker,' or
whatever? I dunno. I do intend to waste some of
Disney's money trying to find out."
-- David Letterman
----
One of the TOP 10 BRONCOS SUPERBOWL CHEERS:
"Back to the bus! Back to the bus!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"I can say with confidence I know a fair bit about
LSD."
-- Dan Rather
----
"Actually the first fast-food franchise in the
Soviet Union was supposed to be Taco Bell, but it
was called off the Soviet officials heard the Taco
Bell slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'"
-- Jay Leno
----
"While he was in New York on location for BRONCO
BILLY (1980), Clint Eastwood agreed to a
television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a
violent, ruthless, lawless, and bloody piece of
mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to define
a Clint Eastwood picture. `To me,' said Eastwood
calmly, `what a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one
that I'm in.'"
-- HOLLYWOOD ANECDOTES by Boller &
Davis
----
"Nobody cuts off my nuptials and gets away with it!"
[the BEETLEJUICE cartoon program]
----
"So-called Cardinal, I put
it to you that you died
in December 1642."
"That is correct."
"Ah ha! He fell for my
little trap."
[Monty Python's Inspector Dim of the Yard]
----
"Democracy is the theory that the common people
know what they want, and deserve to get it good
and hard."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"The only really happy folk are married women and
single men."
-- H.L. Mencken
----
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so
would affront your intelligence."
-- William F. Buckley, Jr.
----
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated, but never signed."
-- Christopher Morley
----
"My father hated radio and could not wait for
television to be invented so he could hate that
too."
-- Peter De Vries
----
"Man is a clever animal who behaves like an
imbecile."
-- Albert Schweitzer
----
"The art of business is the art of making
irrevocable decisions on the basis of inadequate
information."
-- Wallace B. Donham
----
"One must think like a hero to behave like a merely
decent human being."
-- May Sarton
----
Selections from The Top 10 List Of Reasons Why ROLLING
STONES Magazine Hates RUSH:
10. They don't have a 1-900- "Chat With Rush" line
9. They aren't a group of 3 ten-year-old middle
school kids who ride skate boards and eat
Happy Meals
8. They don't come on TV and tell you to vote
6. They don't write socially conscious songs
that you can dance to
-- Buck Dharma
----
"I'm the Descartes of anxiety. I panic, therefore
I am."
-- Richard Lewis
----
"Don't worry about feeling critically isolated. It
builds character."
[moi]
----
"Sir, I'll have you know that I cannot be bought
and I cannot be threatened. But you put the two
together and I'm your man."
-- Norm Peterson
----
"I hear [Spielburg's] going to do a comedy based on
Joseph Conrad's _Lord_Jim_ and call it 'Big White
Guy'. There will be a few changes though. For
example, the banana does NOT stick to the wall.
And he's going to change the ending so that Jim is
transported back into his own time thanks to a
fortunate bolt of lightning."
-- Shelley Louie
----
"Thus I send you back to
your mortal realms! And
you don't even have to
put your eyes out for
having gazed on us!"
"Gosh, thanks."
[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
----
"Perhaps we can sneak by
his ghastly retinue. The
last thing we want is a
terrible battle with the
Undead."
"Shit. That's why I
came."
[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
----
"And what is the
traditional method of
succession to the throne
of Macedonia?"
"Generally, we smother
our fathers with a
pillow."
[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
----
"See that comely wench,
yonder? She inflames me
with desire. I could
raise an army, breach the
walls, put everyone to
the sword and then carry
her off to ravish at my
pleasure!"
"Actually, that's Goldie,
the flower girl. You
could just give her an
obol. It would have the
same effect."
[From Bill Loebs' EPICURUS THE SAGE]
----
"*S*uper *H*eroes *I*n
*E*spionage-*L*ike
*D*rag?"
"Nope. Hand over the
five bucks."
[DAMAGE CONTROL]
----
"Hey! Aren't you Nick
Fury, the world-famous
secret agent?"
"Beat it, kid."
[DAMAGE CONTROL]
----
"Broke into the WRONG GODDAMN REC ROOM, didn't you,
YOU BASTARD!!"
[TREMORS]
----
"My motto is: love like a poet, pray like a lawyer."
-- Joe Kogel
----
"I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read
a book."
-- Groucho Marx
----
"IMPIETY: Your irreverence towards my deity."
-- Ambrose Bierce
----
"If God created us in his own image we have more
than reciprocated."
-- Voltaire
----
"My only aversion to vice, is the price."
-- Victor Buono
----
"One should forgive one's enemies, but not before
they are hanged."
-- Heinrich Heine
----
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain
a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty
nor safety."
-- Benjamin Franklin
----
"No, Vince... you carry enough."
[A weary Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
----
"Rimmer, love is... love
is what makes us
different from animals."
"No, Lister, what makes
us different from
animals is we don't use
our tongues to clean our
own genitals."
[RED DWARF]
----
"The line between actually very serious and
actually very funny is actually very thin."
-- John Le Carre
[THE RUSSIA HOUSE]
----
"This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad
things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of
our society's gin and tonic and leaves a lot of
sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink,
have a drink."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is
saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in
this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy
us all."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and
I eat punks like you for breakfast."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"But the village idiot's
dirty smock and
wall-falling are a far
cry from the modern world
of the urban idiot. What
kinds of backgrounds do
these city idiots come
from?"
"Eton, Sandhurst and the
Guards, ha, ha, ha, ha."
"Father was Home
Secretary and mother
won the Derby."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Yes, we have quite a
number of idiots banking
here."
"What kind of money is
there in idioting?"
"Well, nowadays a really
blithering idiot can make
anything up to ten
thousand pounds a year --
if he's the head of some
big industrial combine."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"That I don't know. I just don't know. I really
just don't know. I'm afraid I really just don't
know. I'm afraid even I really just don't know. I
have to tell you I'm afraid even I really just
don't know. I'm afraid I have to tell you..."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"There's a whole horde of them marauding Visogoths
to see y'all."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"No, no, no -- it's spelt
Raymond Luxury Yach-t,
but it's pronounced
`Throatwobbler
Mangrove.'"
"You're a very silly man
and I'm not going to
interview you."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who
has been speaking to you is an imposter. He is
not in fact the Bishop of East Anglia, but a man
wanted by the police. *I* am the Bishop of East
Anglia, and anyone who doesn't believe me can look
me up in the book."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Obviously boxing has its limits, but providing
they're both perfectly fit I can see nothing wrong
with one healthy man beating the living daylights
out of a little schoolgirl. It's quick and it's
fun."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"The great thing about Ken is that he's almost
totally stupid."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"That's clever. How do
they do that?"
"Colour separation, you
cotton head."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"One thing worries me,
Fritz."
"Ja?"
"Where's the traditional
cheeky and lovable
Cockney sergeant?"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"The BBC would like to apologize for the poor
quality of writing in that sketch. It is not BBC
policy to get easy laughs with words like bum,
knickers, botty or wee-wees."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Morning, madam, I'm here
to read your poet."
"Oh yes, he's in the
cupboard under the
stairs."
"What is it, a Swinburne?
Shelley?"
"No, it's a Wordsworth."
"Oh, bloody daffodils."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"We was too late. The Reverend Gumby bit the
ceiling."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"OK, Devious... Don't
move!"
"The Bishop!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Also, in the Inverness pantomime last Christmas,
the part of Puss in Boots was played by a native
of New Guinea with a plate in her lip, so that
every time Dick Whittington gave her a French
kiss, he got the back of his throat scraped."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Thank you. I didn't want to seem a bit of an old
fusspot just now you know, but it's just as easy
to get these things right as they are easily found
in the BALPA handbook."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Oh, `an aeroplane'. Oh, I say, we are grand,
aren't we? `Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for
me, mater. I'm off to play the grand piano.'
`Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane.' Now get on
the table!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"When the Piranhas left school they were called up,
but were found by an Army Board to be too mentally
unstable even for National Service."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. It's
nothing to worry about although it is *extremely*
dangerous. I shall be juggling with your life, I
shall be playing ducks and drakes with your very
existence, I shall be running me mitts over the
pith of your marrow. Yes! These hands, these
fingers, these sophisticated organs of touch,
these bunches of five, these maulers, these German
bands that have pulled many a moribund unfortunate
back from the very brink of Lazarus' box. No, it
was Pandora's box, wasn't it?
"Well anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly a
lot of bread. So if you'll just step through here
I'll slit you up a treat."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"What if nothing happens,
sergeant?"
"He's Alexander
the Great!"
"Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr.
A. T. Great!"
"Oh, curses! Curses! I
thought I was safe,
disguised as Attila the
Hun."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"U-P Y-O-U-R-S"
"Up yours? What a rude
Ouija board!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Now if you and your pal
had one big wish, Trevor,
what would you like to
see on television?"
"I'd like to see more
fairy stories about the
police."
"And so you shall!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"And Oliver has run himself over! What a great
twit!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Ah Hein... Reginald you have the wrong map here
you silly old leg-before-wicket English person."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"As a character in Gore Vidal's new novel,
`Hollywood', says: `What we invent, others
reflect.' The problem is that the only thing
worse than Guns n' Roses is censorship."
-- The Economist, 12/23/89
----
"So [Thomas Pynchon] wants a private life and no
photographs and nobody to know his home address. I
can dig it, I can relate to that (but, like, he
should try it when it's compulsory instead of a
free-choice option)."
-- Salman Rushdie
----
"A stocking full of ammo!
He's a Santa for the
nineties!"
"That's from *me*, Sam!
Santa Claus hates that
kind of crap."
[Sam and Max, from one of their comic adventures]
----
"He was a thief, and a terrorist, but on the other
hand he had a tremendous singing voice."
[The BATMAN film]
----
"I don't sing, I don't dance, and I don't like
people who do."
[Late Night with David Letterman]
----
"Happiness is being famous for your financial
ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
[Calvin And Hobbes]
----
"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."
[BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE]
----
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin!
Ha! Thrust!"
[The classic Daffy Duck Robin Hood sketch]
----
"Lacquered frog bands are no longer popular with
America's influential trend-setters, Max. We'd be
hosed."
[Sam and Max, from one of their comic adventures]
----
"And stop referring to dinner as `the recent
unpleasantness'."
[THE LOCKHORNS]
----
"I am successful because I am the only person in my
city who is not heavily addicted to powerful
narcotics."
[Cerebus]
----
"Logic is a tweeting bird, chirping in your ear.
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell BAD."
[Star Trek: I, MUDD]
----
"Inconceivable!"
"You use that word a lot.
I don't think it means
what you think it does."
[THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
----
"What about these
commandments then?"
"You again? All right...
There shall be TWO
commandments, and this
shall be the first of
them: 'Keep the noise
down.'"
"Just that? `Keep the
noise down'?"
"You got it."
"Hmmm. And the second of
Your commandments, Lord?"
"Do what thou wilst,
sayeth the Lord, just go
away and don't bother Me
now. For behold, some
of Us are trying to get
some sleep around here."
[Seven Deadly Sins]
----
"...And since the stench of death will always
attract flies and vermin, the arrival of Geraldo
was perhaps inevitable."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Better the pride that resides
in a citizen of the world
Than the pride that divides
when a colorful rag is unfurled."
-- N. Peart
----
"I quote others only to better express myself."
-- Michel de Montaigne
----
"Looks like she's having her monthly visit by 'Mr.
Cranky'."
-- Dan Fielding
[NIGHT COURT]
----
"Well, Brian.... I'm opening a boutique."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Well, I object to all this sex on television. I
mean, I keep falling off."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
Jeff Meyer
"No, sir."
"Well, that's a relief.
'Cos if you were, your
story would be less
plausible."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
they stop at nothing?"
"I don't know -- do you
think they will?"
"I meant that
rhetorically."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
sentiment in big
business."
"Oh you're no fun
anymore."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
bad breath."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained
to sniff out certain substances, but is also a
junkie."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
repay you?"
"No need to, sir. It's
all in a day's work for
Confuse-a-Cat."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
one fatal mistake."
-- Lemming of the BDA
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
a Stockbroker?"
"Is it a Quantity
Surveyor?"
"Is it a Church
Warden?"
"No! It's BICYCLE
REPAIRMAN!"
----
like yours, Dim, you
could have been something
other than a policeman."
"Yes."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
answers... you think
you're so clever. Well,
I'm Dim."
DIM OF THE YARD!
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell
the widows and orphans and go into South American
Zinc."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
sheep."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
-- Sledge Hammer
----
"I can't tell the
difference between Whizzo
butter and this dead
crab."
"Yes, you know, we find
that nine out of ten
British housewives can't
tell the difference
between Whizzo and a
dead crab."
"It's true, we can't, no."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
"Death? It's like being
on holiday with a bunch
of Germans."
[RED DWARF]
----
"First rule in murder, old love: never ask the
customer if they did it, in case they tell you."
-- Horace Rumpole
----
"I'm not in the mood for
jokes."
"How about *sight
gags*?!"
[DOCTOR, DOCTOR]
----
"Mom! How?!"
"Girl Scouts."
["Another Mother" episode of QUANTUM LEAP]
----
"Just look! I've been greatly deceived. The
fellow's a raving heterosexual!"
["Rumpole and the Quality of Life", RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY]
----
"There is no mystery why the media and advertising
are fields in which Britons should be thriving.
In the global, information-based economy which THE
ECONOMIST keeps touting, Britain has a comparative
advantage in mastery of the English language --
not just in relation to foreign-tongued peoples
but in relation to America, too. Brits remain
great talkers. This gift will support them when
the oil runs out."
-- Michael Kinsley
----
"Decent ice cream is almost unobtainable in
Britain. On the other hand, America has
inexplicably failed to discover the
chocolate-covered digestive biscuit -- possibly
the greatest single foodstuff ever invented."
-- Michael Kinsley
----
"Watching Mrs. Thatcher's performance from my
living room in America brought home (literally)
how impossible it is to imagine President George
Bush, or any leading American politician, uttering
such an obvious but unpleasant truth so
forthrightly. Whatever happens to Mr. Bush, he
will never have the problems Mrs. Thatcher is now
going through, which stem from ideological hubris.
She knows what she believes and is willing to
pursue it past the point of either good sense or
political prudence. Mr. Bush believes in very
little."
-- Michael Kinsley
----
"We're mostly sympathetic, only occasionally
empathic, and very very very rarely telepathic."
-- Kathy Li
----
"H-h-hi, boys and girls! I'm here, and Pluto's
here, and Donald's here, and Goofy's here, and
we're all sick and we're all going to throw up for
distance!"
[I'm still not sure -- got it from Dan'l Danehy-Oakes, and he says it's from
two guys, but wasn't specific]
----
"It is not the criminal things which are hardest to
confess, but the ridiculous and shameful."
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau
----
"Every child comes with the message that God is not
yet discouraged of man."
-- Rabindranath Tagore
----
"I have just learned that only two things are
necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let
her think she's having her way. And second, let
her have it."
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
----
"Good conversation is as stimulating as black
coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
----
"I like men to behave like men -- strong and
childish."
-- Francoise Sagan
----
"The greatest cunning is to have none at all."
-- Carl Sandburg
----
"I'm an atheist, and I thank God for it."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
amount of common sense and relatively clean
fingernails."
-- John Mortimer's father
----
"Rumpole shall sleep no more."
[RUMPOLE OF THE BAILEY]
----
"How big is Greenville
[Maine]?"
"Let us just say that the
chances of the Boston
Pops stopping here for a
concert are remote."
[My dad, when asking about the position he took in the backwoods of Maine
when I was but a toddler]
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- December 26th
"The world weeps with joy as Britain's royal
family agrees to just stay inside and shut
up for a couple of years."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- December 8th
"Gunfire erupts on the strife-torn TODAY
show; fortunately, nobody is killed except
Gene Shalit. Ratings soar."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 21st
"The House and Senate, responding to growing
public disgust over their inability to
control spending or eliminate corruption,
finally set aside petty partisan differences
and unite in another effort to jack up their
salaries. This time the concept is an
'ethics' bill, under which congressmen will
get a large pay raise, in return for which
they will agree to stop robbing convenience
stores."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 17th
"Despite fierce opposition from the National
Rifle Association, the California
Legislature passes a bill prohibiting the
sale of assault rifles to people on Death
Row."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 9th
"True item: The Department of Energy
acknowledges that Charlton Heston, who
narrates films for the Energy Department,
has for six years held the nation's highest
nuclear-weapons security clearance."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- November 3rd
"The Federal Aviation Administration OKs
smoking on flights where two or more engines
have failed."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- October 26th
"In what should serve as a harsh warning to
those who seek to make money by exploiting
the religious faith of others, convicted
televangelist Jim Bakker appears before a
judge for sentencing, and, as a hushed
courtroom looks on, is struck by lightning.
Random House publishes former first lady
Nancy Reagan's heart-warming new book, 'I'll
Get All You Bastards.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 30th
"After a trial that receives considerably
more publicity than the ozone layer, Zsa Zsa
Gabor is convicted and, in what is widely
viewed as an overly lenient punishment,
sentenced to death."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 15th
"The legendary Rolling Stones embark on a
nationwide tour with a spectacular show that
reaches its electrifying climax when, during
'Honky Tonk Woman,' bass player Bill Wyman,
age 53, hurls his teeth to the audience."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- September 4th
"In New York, the Leona Helmsely trial comes
to a satisfactory conclusion when a little
girl throws a bucket of water on the
defendant, causing her to dissolve."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- August 12th
"The federal government, finally fed up with
the savings and loan industry's appalling
stupidity, irresponsibility, corruption and
greed, gives it several hundred billion
taxpayer dollars. 'And there's plenty more
where that came from,' the government
warns."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- August 8th
"Warner Communications merges with the
Medellin Drug Cartel."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 21st
"The B-2 'stealth' bomber, which has so far
cost $17 billion, is test-flown and proves
to be, as advertised, virtually invisible to
radar. Unfortunately, it can be easily
picked up on regular television."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 8th
"Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut,
fleeing the increasing violence and
devastation caused by British soccer fans."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- July 5th
"In what some observers feel could be a
tactical error, Hotel Queen Leona Helmsely
arrives at her tax-evasion trial riding a
broom."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 25th
"President Bush, responding with bold swift
visionary leadership to the brutal crackdown
on pro-democracy demonstrators in China,
proposes a constitutional amendment to
prohibit flag-burning."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 21st
"In a decision that outrages the nation, the
U.S. Supreme Court rules that, no matter how
repugnant it may be to most people, the
constitutional guarantee of free speech
protects the right of politicians to propose
foolish and ludicrously unnecessary
anti-flag-burning amendments and posture and
bluster and writhe like hypocritical slugs
in a bog of pandering slime. In the House of
Representatives, long lines immediately form
in front of the C-Span cameras."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 19th
"Barry Switzer, fed up with constant
harassment over alleged NCAA rules
violations, resigns as coach of the
University of Oklahoma, deeply saddening his
players, some of whom have been with him
more than 15 years."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 16th
"Jerry Falwell announces that he's dissolving
the Moral Majority so he can spend more time
at the track."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 6th
"At funeral services for the Ayatollah
Khomeini, grief-stricken Iranian moderates
express their love for their fallen leader
by ripping off his clothes, revealing that
he is wearing large red silk undershorts on
which are printed the words 'Home of the
Whopper.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 4th
"The U.S. Postal Service warns that a number
of consumers have had 'unusual' reactions
after licking the Jimi Hendrix commemorative
stamp."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- June 3rd
"On the TODAY show, Willard Scott
'accidentally' stabs Bryant Gumbel with a
pitchfork."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 31st
"Somebody wins yet another exciting and
memorable running of the Indianapolis 500,
an exhibition of driving skill featuring
cars sponsored by Budweiser, Miller,
Budweiser Light, Miller Dry, Budweiser Wet,
Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller Flat, Camel and
the Medellin Drug Cartel."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 23rd
"The New York mayoralty race heats up as
Mayor Ed Koch, seeking a fourth term, is
shot and wounded by subway vigilante Bernard
Goetz, who immediately surges ahead in the
polls."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 3rd
"In Bejing's Tiananmen Square, hopes for
democracy soar as thousands of Chinese
students erect a replica of Batman."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- May 1st
"Amid a massive wave of publicity disguised
as news, the Disney Corporation opens its
latest theme park, 'A World Of Cranky People
Waiting In Lines.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 11th
"After hearing lengthy and complex court
arguments between American and Australian
yachtsmen over who should get the
prestigious America's Cup, a federal judge
orders everybody to get a real job."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 8th
"The heartening spread of Western-style
democracy continues as the Soviet Union,
which has never had truly free elections,
announces that delegates to the Soviet
General Assembly will henceforth be selected
via caucuses in Iowa."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- April 1st
"Two scientists announce that they have
figured out how to create a nuclear fusion
reaction in a glass of ordinary tap water.
For some reason, this is hailed as good
news."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 25th
"An Exxon tanker runs aground and begins
spewing oil into ecologically delicate
waters. The company's highly trained
Emergency Disaster Response Team immediately
swings into action; within hours, gasoline
prices have been jacked up worldwide."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 24th
"Michael Jordan becomes the first human being
to land on Saturn. He is fouled on the
play."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- March 12th
"In other boxing news, Mike Tyson, citing
'irreconcilable differences,' drops Robin
Givens from a jet."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- February 26th
"In an unusually upbeat Grammy Awards
ceremony, Bobby McFerrin, composer of the
hugely popular song 'Don't Worry, Be Happy,'
is shot."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- February 17th
"The Ayatollah Khomeini signs a $3 million
contract with Viking publishers to promote
sales of Salman Rushdie's book, 'The Satanic
Verses.'"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 26th
"Secretary of Defense nominee John Tower,
angrily responding to charges that he has a
drinking problem, tells a Senate hearing
that he can lick any man in the room."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 17th
"As the eight historic years of the Reagan
administration draw to a close, White House
staffers begin the melancholy but at the
same time satisfying task of getting Nancy
out with a water cannon."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1989 IN REVIEW -- January 8th
"The savings and loan industry announces
heavy fourth-quarter bingo losses."
----
"We're very kinky, in a Republican sort of way."
-- Sue Pauloz
----
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it 'working'... more
like 'groveling for dollars.'"
[NIGHT COURT]
----
"Shh. It's satire."
"No it isn't. This is
zany madcap humour."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
[From the PBS series CAMPION]
----
"There are a great many people in the country today
who, through no fault of their own, are sane."
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
culture! There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest
sweat!"
[Monty Python's Flying Circus]
----
and Eastern European countries? The United States
still has a communist party."
[Joke on Carson]
----
"But HE loved *pure* and *chaste* from *afar*....
Well, that part was never big with me, either."
[QUANTUM LEAP]
----
"When a network changes a show, it's like brain
surgery with a baseball bat."
-- Stephanie A. Wiltse
----
"Into the mud, scum queen!"
-- THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS
----
"You try my patience!"
"Don't mind if I do; you
must come over and try
mine sometime!"
[Groucho and Margot Dumont, from one of their pictures]
----
"Xerox sue someone for copying?"
-- David Letterman
----
"Michael Palin was on 'Carson' last night... and he
talked a little about Graham Chapman and the
memorial service they held for him. Ten or so
people got up and gave tributes to Graham, and
then it fell to John Cleese. He said, 'Graham
Chapman, co-writer of the 'Dead Parrot' sketch, is
no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and
gone to meet his maker...' and ran the whole gamut
of his parrot speech, winding up with 'He is an
EX-Chapman.' Cleese went on to add that some
people might find that tribute offensive, which
was exactly why he did it: Graham loved to offend
people."
-- Barb Prillaman
----
"Okay, I'm tired of talking to myself. Fade the
music and let's see if there's really an audience
out there watching cable."
[Molly Dodd]
----
"You know, Molly, we all get what we deserve,
whether we deserve it or not."
[Molly Dodd]
----
"What we had was so darn genuine; it was like fine
nylon."
[Molly Dodd]
----
"I was married to a musician named Fred C. Dodd,
and the guy's got a hold on my heart so tight that
sometimes I think I'm never going to breathe
again."
[Molly Dodd]
----
"Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it
painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a
harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here
Again'."
[Black Adder]
----
"McPike. McPIKE!"
[WISEGUY. You hadda be there.]
----
"Don't you care about this
country?"
"Damn right I care...
about *this* country.
That's why I own it."
[WISEGUY]
----
"So in our vast files, we
have about as much on
this guy as, uh, The
National Enquirer?"
"Our files are *from* The
National Enquirer."
[WISEGUY]
----
"I'm a recluse, dammit. I don't see people. If I
did, I wouldn't be a recluse."
[WISEGUY]
----
"You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're
magnificent."
[SUNSET BOULEVARD]
----
"'E's not the Messiah! 'E's a very naughty boy!"
-- LIFE OF BRIAN
----
"Save your breath, pork
chop. We scrapped all
that."
"'Screpped', Your Grace?"
"The real estate checklist
and who I can beat at
dominoes. We don't use
that anymore."
[Cerebus]
----
"In the forest, the Aliens learn what hundreds of
thieves, cut-throats and enemy spies have learned!
Flaming Carrot is a mounting inferno of blasting,
blazing death to all who oppose him!"
[FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
----
"We are Earth's only chance! We must fight and die
like famous heroes! Fight for a world that
perhaps considers us, that considers us all, well,
let's say, perhaps, goofy!"
[FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
----
"OK, I got it. We get out
of the dreaming, while
he's busy with the bozo,
cut open Barnaby and
Clarice, scoop out their
insides and hide inside
their skins. He'd
*never* think of looking
for us there..."
"HE would."
"...Yeah, he would."
[Neil Gaimen, SANDMAN]
----
"The possible ramifications of my actions are
endless. Do you want half of a ham sandwich?"
[Bernie Mireault, THE JAM]
----
"Unk! Tarzan catch pizza! Tarzan kill pizza with
empty wallet! Bring home to Janet! Tarzan get
laid tonight?"
[Bernie Mireault, THE JAM]
----
"What?"
"You know you just threw
the Second-assistant
Attorney General out of
his own war room?"
"Well, so what?"
"So, I always wanted to
do that."
[WISEGUY]
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS LINCOLN WOULD SAY IF
HE WERE ALIVE TODAY:
10. Through the years, the Union has been
preserved
8. How much money do I get from these Lincoln
Logs?
6. What the hell is Donahue doing in Russia?
5. Why is the video store always out of
"Mandingo"?
4. I really think I should have been the king
in that Civil War chess set
2. EEAAGH! Iron bird!
1. That fruit Jefferson gets Monticello. I get
a tunnel.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP NINE GOOD THINGS ABOUT STEROIDS:
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney
6. We'll all need to bulk up when the giant
ants arrive
4. Great for community theater groups putting
on Ibsen's "The Incredible Hulk"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Fleet Street finally signed off. The Daily
Express was printed in its Black Lubianka building
for the last time on November 17th, the last
national newspaper to quit the street."
-- THE ECONOMIST, 11/25/89
----
"After the Earthquake, word around Stanford campus
is that the Law School is planning a Class Action
Suit against God.
"As a result of the quake, the Business School has
been condemned. My personal feeling is that if
God takes this line of defense, no jury on Earth
would convict him."
-- William Fischer
----
"I dreamed a show in days gone by
When all the scenery was so pretty
I didn't sing one song then die
And all my costumes weren't so gritty
I did a tap dance and I smiled
And pathos wasn't overstated
My lips were red, my hair was styled
I didn't act so constipated
But now that misery's in style
It's more artistic if you suffer
So they tore my dress apart
And all the chorus girls walk lame, lame---
I dreamed a show in days gone by
Neil Diamond didn't sing my hit song
A pretty girl they'd glorify
And Act One wasn't so damn long
Come watch us grovel in the dirt
Then buy a souvenir and don it
Rich folks pay twenty bucks a shirt
That has a starving pauper on it"
--"Forbidden Broadway"
----
"Once again, Paul, you have crystallized my
thoughts perfectly."
[David Letterman]
----
"There is nothing funny about a clown in the
moonlight."
-- Lon Chaney Sr.
----
"Happiness is lots of little things. Green, about
2.5' by 6'."
[Off of a Usenet sign-off line. Forgot -- sorry!]
----
"It's easier to write an ad than save a beach."
-- Bill Moyers
----
"20 years ago, with `The Selling of the President',
was the first time that people realized that
President was packaged... like a bar of soap. 20
years later, people have gotten to the point where
that analogy seems unfair to soap."
-- Barbera Lippert
----
"Nothing can disguise the quiet jubilation of this
November [Czech] revolution. The fear that change
could slip away again, though still present, now
seems to be receding. Mr. Ludvik Vaculik, a
writer with a mordant tongue who well remembers
the disappointment of 1968, was asked what had
made him laugh the most this past week. `Nothing
made me,' he said, `I laughed voluntarily.'"
-- THE ECONOMIST, 12/2/89
----
"We sleep better when we read `TALES OF GORE'?"
[QUANTUM LEAP]
----
"Adversity is the first path to Truth."
-- Lord Byron
----
"The word love has by no means the same sense for
both sexes, and this is one cause of the serious
misunderstandings that divide them."
-- Simone de Beauvoir
----
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to
failure is to try to please everyone."
-- Bill Cosby
----
"A bad review is like baking a cake with all the
best ingredients and having someone sit on it."
-- Danielle Steel
----
"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now
possible to travel coast to coast without seeing
anything."
-- Charles Kuralt
----
"Where love rules, there is no rule to power; and
where power predominates, there love is lacking.
The one is the shadow of the other."
-- C. G. Jung
----
"Every man is a damn fool at least five minutes
every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the
limit."
-- Elbert Hubbard
----
"That man is not truly brave who is afraid either
to seem to be, or to be, when it suits him, a
coward."
-- Edgar Allan Poe
----
"One day the people of the world will want peace so
much that the governments are going to have to get
out of their way and let them have it."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
----
"He's an honest man -- you can shoot craps with him
over the telephone."
-- Earl Wilson
----
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the
one I've never tried."
-- Mae West
----
"If you achieve success, you will get applause.
Enjoy it -- but never quite believe it."
-- Robert Montgomery
----
"Men and nations behave wisely once they have
exhausted all the options."
-- Abba Eban
----
"Superstition is foolish, childish and irrational
-- but how much does it cost you to knock on
wood?"
-- Judith Viorst
----
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other
ten percent a bad reputation."
-- Henry Kissinger
----
"I make progress by having people around who are
smarter than I am -- and listening to them. And I
assume that everyone is smarter about something
than I am."
-- Henry Kaiser
----
"I write to understand as much as to be
understood."
-- Elie Wiesel
----
"A conservative is a person who does not think
anything should be done for the first time."
-- Frank Vanderlip
----
"To listen well is as powerful a means of
communication and influence as to talk well."
-- John Marshall
----
"All I know of love is that Love is all there is."
-- Emily Dickinson
----
"Advice after injury is like medicine after death."
-- Danish proverb
----
"You punch me, I punch back. I do not believe it
is good for one's self-respect to be a punching
bag."
-- Edward Koch
----
"How I wait for my good is more important than what
I wait for. Life is not living in a 'waiting
room', but rather waiting in a 'living room'."
-- Dr. Dorothy Kobak
----
"Somebody's boring me... I think it's me."
-- Dylan Thomas
----
"Worries go down better with soup."
-- Yiddish proverb
----
"It is easier to love humanity than to love your
neighbor."
-- Eric Hoffer
----
"People everywhere enjoy believing things that they
know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of
thinking for themselves and taking the
responsibility for what they know."
-- Brooks Atkinson
----
"There is a scarcity of friendship, but not of
friends."
-- Thomas Fuller
----
"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine
shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving?"
-- Woody Allen
----
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is
dressed in overalls and looks like work."
-- Thomas Edison
----
"Love and do what you will."
-- St. Augustine
----
"Futility: playing a harp before a buffalo."
-- Burmese proverb
----
"You may be imperious, but the effect is always
spoiled when you apologize."
-- Karen Williams
----
"Any last requests?"
"Yes, do you know
`Heartbreak Hotel'?"
[NINJA HIGH SCHOOL]
----
Selections from TOP 10 REASONS DAN QUAYLE WOULD MAKE A
GREAT PRESIDENT:
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man
costume on national holidays
5. State of the Union Address would be three
minutes, tops
3. Would satisfy little-known Constitutional
requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as
a tree"
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS FOR THE
SAN SALVADOR SHERATON:
10. Live through two nights, and the third
night's free
9. As seen on TV's "Nightline"!
8. Touch the towels, and we'll blow your damn
head off
4. We put the hospital in hospitality
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"And, after all, it is the 200th anniversary of the
presidency. That's something to celebrate. From
George to George -- in only 200 years, we've gone
from 'I cannot tell a lie' to 'I cannot tell'."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Reading, editing or printing of this text without
the express written consent of Major League
Baseball is prohibited."
[Ken Kubey]
----
"But Alex, I don't want to
be rich for the same
reason as other men."
"Not for the cars, the
houses, the women?"
"Oh, I guess it is the
same reason."
[TAXI]
----
"Writers, by definition, have tremendous egos.
Because a writer is someone who says, 'Look at me!
What I have to say is so important that it
deserves to be written down and preserved and have
my name on it for future generations to mull
over!'"
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"Eat right. Sleep tight. Get goodly exercise, and
life's full splendor will poke you in the eyes."
[From a King Arthur parody at a Renaisannce Fair]
----
"And what IS this crap
about fighting on
HORSEBACK? The Warrior
Code doesn't sanction
that shit!"
"Real warriors stand toe
to toe and SLUG IT OUT!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
----
"Oh! Brilliant! We're getting MASSACRED and he
quibbles over semantics!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
----
"Stay cool,
boys."
"Don't call us
BOYS!"
"What do you
want me to
call you?"
"How 'bout
`Me Hearties!'"
"I like `Buckos'!"
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
----
"Meanwhile, on MT. OLYMPUS, the gods are watching
on the big screen..."
[Foolbert Sturgeon's AMAZONS]
----
"FASTER than a speeding bullet... More POWERFUL
than a locomotive... Able to LEAP tall
buildings...
"...I can live with it!"
[The slightly de-powered Power Girl in JLE]
----
"You're in worse shape that you look! You're
quoting Dan Quayle."
[Steve Gerber, SHE-HULK]
----
"Okay. Got it. I hit him with something that
doesn't HAVE a psychological makeup -- like a
car."
[Steve Gerber, SHE-HULK]
----
"Ladies. Gentlemen. You have eaten well. You've
eaten Gotham's wealth. Its spirit. Your feast is
nearly over.
"From this moment on -- none of you are safe."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
----
"Mrs. Gordan. You have to trust me. I won't let
your boy die."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
----
"Would you call that an
elegant solution, Mr.
Spock?"
"Indeed, Captain. When I
am required to testify
at a court martial I
shall use those very
words."
"I knew I could count on
you, Spock."
[STAR TREK, the comic]
----
"I take the ugly weight off my hip... I hold it up
like a dead rat and pray the man understands..."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
----
"...I pray he's strong. And smart enough to stay
alive. How did I let this happen? How did I
screw up so badly... to bring an innocent child to
life in a city without hope..."
[Frank Miller, BATMAN: YEAR ONE]
----
Selections from TOP TEN REASONS EXXON IS LEAVING
ALASKA:
10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor
store.
8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up
Exxon station restrooms
4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Although the [Berlin] Wall will come down,
Checkpoint Charlie will remain, but it's already
been changed into a 4-hour photo service."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"I place my faith in fools. Self confidence, my
friends call it."
-- Edgar Allen Poe
----
"Oh, Tim, take a ladder, and ascend alone to
Heaven."
-- Elliot Wilen
----
"You deliver a good argument, but speaking
personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist
nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie
Newmar."
-- Jerry Boyajian
----
"[Mort] Sahl and [Alexander] Haig were discussing
Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of course,
Kissinger could not be the US President since he
was not born in the US. Haig said, no, that's a
common misconception, Kissinger was born in the
US. 'How did he get that accent?' asked Sahl.
Haig replied, 'From never listening to anybody.'"
----
"A born-again Christian, Mr. [Rupert] Murdoch
claimed that his newspapers -- including the
evangelizing SUN -- are aids to a moral revival."
-- The Economist, 10/21/89
----
Fortune has me well in hand;
Armies wait at my command.
My gold lies in a foreign land
Buried deep beneath the sand.
The angels guide my every tread;
My enemies are sick or dead.
But all the victories I've lead
Haven't brought you to my bed.
Everybody loves me, baby;
What's the matter with you?
Won't you tell me: What did I do
To offend you?
-- Don McLean
----
No land is beyond my claim
When land is seized in the people's name
By evil men who rob and maim --
If war is hell, *I'm* not to blame.
Why, you can't blame me, I'm heaven's child
And the second son of Mary Mild;
And I'm twice removed from Oscar Wilde
[But he didn't mind, why, he just smiled!]
-- Don McLean
----
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS THE IRANIANS WILL SPEND
THE $567 MILLION (recently unfrozen by the West):
10. Upgrade hijackers to First Class
9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times
8. Set up research lab to develop untippable
coffin
5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of
like Amish country"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE
BERLIN WALL:
10. I came for the political freedom -- I'm
staying for the McRibs!
9. Is this the line for BATMAN?
7. As long as you're already in the trunk,
let's go to a drive-in
6. We're coming to save you, Zsa Zsa!
2. This ought to scare the crap out of the
French
1. We're going to Disney World!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Colleges should teach sex education, after all,
when it comes to screwing people they're the
best."
-- Patrick J. Murphy
----
"Everything has a boolean value, if you stand far
enough away from it."
-- Galena Alyson Canada
----
"Y'know, I heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection..."
-- Don McLean
----
"In our college newspaper, `The Daily Collegian',
there was an article on how the BATMAN Movie
flopped in Norway. In the Norwegian version,
Batman's name was changed to `Lightning Wing'
because the literal translation of `Batman' is
something like `Fluttering-mouse Man'."
-- Akbar
----
"So after today, Germans can go into any country
they want.
...Say, wasn't that the problem in 1939?"
-- Carson on THE TONIGHT SHOW
----
"The new slogan in East Germany these days is `Ich
bin ein Outahere!'"
-- Carson on THE TONIGHT SHOW
----
#1 THING THE REAGANS DID FOR THE $2 MILLION IN JAPAN:
Make Gerald Ford's post-presidential career
look dignified.
-- David Letterman
----
"Police have no clues, and have issued this terse
statement: `Like we haven't got enough to worry
about.'"
[From STRAY TOASTERS]
----
"Wow, I didn't know Ninjas could become
invisible!... Ninjas can breathe under water!
They can dodge bullets at point blank range! They
can walk up sides of buildings! They can install
*telephones*!!!"
[That rascal, THE TICK]
----
"He stands... like some kind of pagan god or deposed
tyrant... staring out over the city he's
sworn... to stare out over..."
[THE TICK]
----
"Ah! I'll get a hold of that flagpole and jump to
safety!"
<*SNAP*>
"Ah! I'll bounce off that broad flat surface and be
in a lot of pain!!!"
[THE TICK]
----
"My indifference to that comment can only be
described as sexual in intensity."
-- Martin Terman
----
"The clerk looked at it and said `Hmmmm. Bad book.'
I was somewhat embarrassed and said, `Yeah, I read
anything.' The clerk said, `I meant the glue.'"
-- Matt Wiener
----
"It appears that while Diana was bestowed with the
strength, wisdom and agility of the various Gods
at birth, Jeanette Kahn was given 'the knees of a
network TV executive'."
[Moi]
----
"Reviewers are like jeans: you find one that
matches your tastes, and then you stick with them
until your tastes deviate (or you start losing
change through the holes in the pockets), at which
point you sell them to Russian immigrants."
[Moi]
----
"Defining the line where art becomes a subset of
entertainment is so intensely personal that I'm
not at all sure what use it is to others. Rather
like opinions about the nature of God, favorite
sexual positions, and whether or not to have that
piece of pecan pie after a bowl of Gumbo Creole."
[Moi]
----
"I've always found that people use witty remarks
when they have nothing meaningful to say."
-- Martin Terman
----
"NAUSICAA #2: Gentle fun for all ages. Except
maybe that part with all the dead bodies flying
everywhere."
-- Ed Hsu
----
"WOLVERINE: Sex and violence, without the sex. "
-- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
----
"...everyone else just throws a tantrum when their
articles aren't replied to. You have to bring up
artistic integrity."
[Moi]
----
"And so the obvious phallic symbolism of
Wolverine's claws provides a counterpoint to the
Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor."
-- Carl Rigney
----
"Who are...oh, waitaminnit! I recognize you. You
used to be on MR. ED, right? You were the sticky,
peanut-butter-like substance that they'd put
inside Ed's lower lip to make him move his mouth
and then it would look like he's talking."
-- Blair Houghton
----
Selections from TOP 10 THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU
KICKED OUT OF DISNEY WORLD:
10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's
mother strapped to your fender
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's
moat
7. Taunting the guy in Pluto costume for not
being able to get a better job
6. Declaring loudly, "I DO believe in
Tinkerbell" in the men's room
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn"
underwear
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"I just can't take the
chance that you might
shoot Dana Carvey."
"Alright, what about
members of the
audience?"
"Lemme see what it says on
the back of the
ticket.... Do what you
have to do."
[Lorne Michaels on a SNL skit]
----
"I'm sure it'll be a real magnet for scholars in
the future: The Reagan Library. I see a
split-level stucco warehouse with rows of Reader's
Digest condensed books and a magnifying glass
beside every chair."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"If you want more information, write to the Smoking
and Drinking Council in your state for our
pamphlet, 'Smoking and Drinking: Not half as bad
as hard drugs!'"
[ALMOST LIVE]
----
"You've seen 'em on beer
commercials, you've seen
'em at football games...
say hello to the happiest
guys around: HI-FIVE'N
WHITE GUYS!"
"They're young, from
wealthy families!
They're financially
secure! In a few years
they'll be running
business and the
government!"
[ALMOST LIVE]
----
"That's why I have a few modest suggestions to
solve the art problem... The federal appointment
of an Arts Czar. I recommend somebody who doesn't
know anything about art, in much the same way
William Bennett, our Drugs Czar, doesn't know
anything about drugs, law enforcement, or
education. Folks, I volunteer."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I don't care if it offends fundamentalists,
Moslems, or televangelists, or even my Mom. I
only care if it offends me personally. I've said
this before and I'll say it again: I'M OFFENDED
EVERY DAY. Have I ever cut off the funding of
things I'm offended by? Follow the bouncing
syntax -- the answer is 'no'. So what if kids see
the private parts of men in three-piece suits?
What if our little ones, our nation's precious
resource, should happen upon a display of
'homoeroticism'? Well gosh, folks, we take our
kids to the zoo all the time. When they see a
baboon in heat, do we write a letter to our
representatives telling them non-profit funds are
being used to fund bestiality? No. We chalk the
whole thing up to biology and move the kids on to
the petting zoo."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"YOU OPEN THAT DOOR!"
"Hey Roz! What's in your
purse? Mind if we
look??"
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I'd like to get some
expert opinion in here,
someone familiar with
vermin behaviour."
Lee Atwater is
summoned.
"A rat? Nooo problemo!
Let me talk to that ol'
boy."
"Great! I'll play good
cop!"
[DOONESBURY]
----
ASK DR. SCIENCE:
"Dear Dr. Science: Where are worms going when they crawl
across a highway on a rainy night?"
"Put yourself in the worm's place. So far your
life has been one of continuous crawling, eating
dirt, and being covered with slime. You're not
much to look at, even if you had a way of seeing
yourself. The only thing you look forward to is
sex, and that's with other worms. Then, on top of
it all, it rains. So the worms you see are not
crossing the road. They're waiting. For your
car.
"As a child, you knew instinctively, stomping a
worm on the sidewalk is exactly what it wants. The
next time it rains, get in your car and drive as
much as possible. You'll be doing a lot of worms
a favor, pushing them into the next stage of
reincarnation, so they can be reborn as a
Yorkshire Terrier, or a lawyer."
----
"Aha! I see the problem -- a disgruntled
homosexual on the gun deck. Case closed!"
[Editorial Cartoon by Oliphant]
----
"You want honest? Honest is: it sucks. But you
sleep with both eyes closed."
[Frank McPike of WISEGUY, commenting on a desk job]
----
"Now that you're here, James, I hope we can look
forward to some gratuitous sex and violence."
[Algenon, from NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN]
----
"Whack! Huroo! Now dance to your partner!
Welt the floor, your trotters shake;
Isn't it the truth I've told ye?
Lots of fun at Finnegan's wake."
[Finnegan's Wake, from SKREEMER]
----
"The meaning of this outrage is perfectly clear --
we're glad you're back and we're drinking your
beer."
[Mezz, from NEXUS]
----
"It appears, Captain, that
you have irritated the
head of a people widely
regarded as fanatics."
"Call it a knack."
[All in a day for Kirk and Spock, from the STAR TREK comic...]
----
"Then why didn't I die
when he told me to?"
"Well, Hell... you never
take *my* advice. Why
should you listen to
his?"
[Kirk and McCoy from DC's STAR TREK]
----
"Ten MILLION?! *I'd* shoot me for ten million."
[Kirk comments on a price on his head, from DC's STAR TREK]
----
TEN COMMANDMENTS, or Rules and Conditions:
1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not make unto
thee graven images, to bow down thyself before
them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a
flag, or something similarly patriotic.
2. Though shalt not take the name of the Lord thy
God in vain; but he shall be held guiltless who
taketh it to put it upon his currency, and
likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in
matters of National Security.
3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it wholly
miserable for thyself and thy neighbors.
4. Honor thy father and thy mother; but Medicare is
going too far.
5. Thou shalt not kill the innocent babe in the
womb. After it's born -- open season.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially.
7. Thou shalt steal.
8. Thou shalt declare for business against big labor.
9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but
thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet
cause others to work their buns off for thy
sake, and thereby acquire a house as thy neighbor
shall covet of thee.
-- NOT THE BIBLE, Tony Hendra and
Sean Kelly
----
NOT THE BIBLE, Chapter 1, Verse 23:
"And God saw everything he had made, and he saw
that it was very good; and God said, It JUST goes
to show Me what the private sector can accomplish.
With a lot of fool regulations this could have
taken BILLIONS OF YEARS."
-- Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly
----
"When the Atomic Energy Commission initiated what
was in effect a public trial of J. Robert
Oppenheimer, and revoked his security clearance,
[Mort] Sahl imagined a scene in which the AEC
confronted Oppenheimer like a sheriff with a
recalcitrant deputy: 'Okay, Doctor -- turn in your
brain.'"
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
----
"Hollywood, handmaiden of national security, made a
film of [Werner Von Braun's] life called I AIM FOR
THE STARS. Mort Sahl amended the title with the
words: '...But Sometimes I Hit London.'"
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
----
"Satire is inherently unfair, and although it may
be unfair to any form of authority, or any form of
hypocrisy, there is no such-thing as an
even-handed joke. Satirizing a military cretin or
corporate banditry doesn't make you a liberal any
more than satirizing some self-important
wishy-washy makes you a neofascist. Of course, it
is perfectly possible for an ideology to get
laughs at the expense of an opponent -- but this
is ridicule, a potent weapon of humor, and not
satire. A satirist who espouses one ideology over
another is saying in effect that he is superior --
and that makes him satirizable. The satirist
believes only that there is no such thing as being
half-pregnant or half-nuked. From the standpoint
of authority, satire is the most inimical form of
free speech there is."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
----
"Satire, for example, is defined as intellectual
judo, in which the writer or performer takes on
the ideas and character of his target and then
takes both to absurd lengths to destroy them.
This is the most mischievous of all forms of
humor, the most radical use of irony. (It is also
the most easily misunderstood, since taking on the
character of one's target -- a bigot, say -- can
lead the uninitiated into thinking that you
actually share the target's ideas. Saying the
word 'nigger' in character can get bricks thrown
at your head -- and not by bigots.) Satire is not
a gentle process, and the more sacred the belief
or person whose mantle it assumes, the more
effective it is."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
----
"Parody is a far gentler version of the same
process [as satire], by which the target's style
is assumed and slightly exaggerated. The
intention here is of paramount importance, since
it is usually playful, mocking rather than
destructive, and relying as much on recognition
alone, as recognition and disapproval."
-- Tony Hendra, GOING TOO FAR
----
"Well hello there, Norbert, you dirty rotten
thieving bald stupid mango-head!"
[THE EYE OF MONGOMBO]
----
"Safety is a relative concept, Mr. Constantine. It
needs risk to define it."
[HELLBLAZER]
----
"And I hear Geraldo Rivera is shooting a TV special
in San Francisco this week... My *God*, haven't
these people suffered enough?!"
-- Jay Leno
----
"This is *not* Mel Torme!"
[From TOP SECRET]
----
"Life is better than death, I believe, if only
because it is less boring, and because it has
fresh peaches in it."
-- Alice Walker
----
"You know how stupid this thing is when Sam Malone
becomes the voice of reason"
[CHEERS]
----
"Vice-President Quayle, of course, was on the spot
the very next day to inspect the damage; smiling,
shaking hands, and reassuring people that it
wasn't his fault."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"You know, there have been an incredible number of
natural disasters this year, but when you put it
into the Big Picture, I don't think it's the end
of the world... because the Cubs didn't win the
Pennant."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Nancy Reagan's new book, MY TURN, is out this
week. It was announced today that former
President Reagan's autobiography will be out next
spring; it's entitled HER TURN."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Heh... you'd have to buy
a Ram van for that!"
"CHECK'S IN THE MAIL!!"
[The Harvey Firestein sketch on SNL]
----
"It said, `I am the only true flag; all other flags
are false ones.'"
[The Flag sketch on SNL]
----
"Art Squad, starring Senator Jesse Helms, will not
be seen tonight..."
[SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"And now: Jazz Masterpiece... or Discordant Crap?"
[ALMOST LIVE]
----
"I just love songs about
extra-terrestrial beings,
don't you?"
"Not when they're *sung*
by extra-terrestrials."
[HANNAH AND HER SISTERS]
----
"So you're saying a man
can only have a
non-sexual relationship
with an unattractive
woman."
"No, you pretty much want
to nail them too."
[WHEN HARRY MET SALLY]
----
"Supreme executive power derives from a mandate
from the masses, not from some farcical, aquatic
ceremony!... I mean, if I went 'round saying I
was Emperor just because some moistened bint had
lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
[MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
----
"Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep
proving your talent to people who have none."
-- Jules Renard
----
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."
[THE GODFATHER]
----
"I'm gonna tell you somethin': BONANZA is not an
accurate depiction of the West."
[TIN MEN]
----
"New Orleans is a marvelous environment for
coincidence."
[THE BIG EASY]
----
"Tobacco is the only drug in America that will kill
you if it's taken as directed."
-- Dr. C. Everett Koop
----
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell
it from urine."
-- David Moulton
----
"I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse
cats."
-- Graham Chapman
----
"There is only one group which would ever call for
the banning of 'The Diary of Anne Frank', and I
don't care what they happen to be calling
themselves these days."
-- Alan Moore
----
"I'm sorry, I thought you
were alone."
"I tried it that way. It
wasn't as much fun."
[THE CHEAP DETECTIVE]
----
"RCA: We're not Japanese. Are we?"
[SNL]
----
"Now, only the lowest form of scum would burn the
American flag; but in America, there's no law
against being the lowest form of scum.... You
know, it's bad enough that there's a federal law
against burning money; and the poorest people get
around that by putting it in Savings & Loans. But
*one* guy burned a flag four years ago, and the
President wants to amend the Constitution over it.
Now I know, a lot of people have died for the
flag; but a lot of people have died for a lot of
different flags, and I bet you some of them wish
they hadn't."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Now I'll tell you this, my friends, it wasn't the
originality of our founding flag designers that
inspired those students to stand up to the tanks
in Tiananmen Square; no, it was the Bill of
Rights: a masterpiece of the most brilliant minds
of the Age of Enlightenment; a beacon of freedom
to all the world. The flag: it isn't even Betsy
Ross' best work...."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Now, it's easy to get a symbol mixed up with what
it stands for; I know, because when I was a
teenager I used to sleep with a PLAYBOY
centerfold. It was a picture, but to me it was a
symbol of sex. In the same way, a photo
opportunity at a flag factory is a symbol of
freedom. In other words, they're both just
jerkin' off.
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"And you know, putting an image before reality is
the definition of idolatry -- and I'm not
necessarily calling the President a pagan. But a
country that loves freedom enough to let its flag
be burned for the sake of it is just following the
example of a God who loves His people so much,
He'd let them kill His son."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Due to the meager earnings of the last James Bond
film, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, series producer Cubby
Broccoli announced this week that Timothy Dalton
will be let go and replaced by the camel from
Camel Filters cigarette ads."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Hurricane Hugo doing that damage down there, going
'round and 'round, doing that hurricane thing down
there... lotta damage... natural disaster, *not*
*my* *fault*..."
[Dana Carvey as George Bush on SNL]
----
"An update on the Marcos story, as President Aquino
reiterated her refusal to allow Marcos to be
buried in Manila, an offer has come from the
United States: the Giant's stadium in Meadowlands,
New Jersey, says they have plenty of time in their
end zone, and that Marcos would be in good
company."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"You should be more alert!
You wouldn't last two
seconds in the jungle."
"THAT'S WHY I LIVE
*HERE*, YOU DOLT!"
----
"Boy, when we're on the cover of "Popular
Mechanics," I'll have some choice words to say
about family encouragement."
----
"Boy, she fell for *that*
one."
"I'll say! I wonder if
we could get any Batman
junk this way."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"thirtysomething cereal. By the makers of Teenage
Mutant Ninja Tertles."
[Saturday Night Live commercial]
----
"Time to go fight the
savage hordes."
"AGAIN? Boy... that's
all we ever do: one
savage horde after
another!"
[JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL]
----
"Too much leeway in the marketing department."
[ALMOST LIVE, local Seattle humor program]
----
"NEVER trust in the kindness of the human race."
[ALIEN NATION (the tv series)]
----
"That's not God! That's Lord Fortnum, the well-
known bed-sitting room!"
[God only know -- someplace on the net. Hits my buttons, though...]
----
1. Cthulhu is my swimming coach; I shall not
want.
2. He maketh me to lie down in comfortable
craftmatic beds; he leadeth me beside the
open bar; he restoreth my soul.
3. Yea, though I skulk through the valley of
greatly disgruntled employers, I will fear
no evil. For thou, O Cthulhu, art with me,
thy snorkel and flippers they comfort me.
4. Thou preparest a stiff drink for me in the
presence of my enemies; thou anointest my
gills with Coppertone; my Flintstones jelly
glass runneth over.
5. Surely expensive European vacations, marital
bliss, and winning Lotto tickets will follow
me the rest of my life; and I shall dwell in
the pressurized underwater dome of Cthulhu
forever.
[from rec.humor.funny]
----
"Our judgements judge us, and nothing reveals us,
exposes our weaknesses, more ingeniously than the
attitude of pronouncing upon our fellows."
-- Paul Valery
----
"Science is going at a rapid pace. Now it's only a
hundred years behind the comics strip."
-- Joey Adams
----
"Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none.
For we grieve only for what has happened, but we
fear all that possibly may happen."
-- Pliny the Younger
----
"Humor is the affectionate communication of
insight."
-- Leo Rosten
----
"A man's mind stretched by a new idea can never go
back to its original dimensions."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
----
"You can't take sides when you know the earth is
round."
-- Patricia Sun
----
"Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find
out what I really believed."
-- Walter Lippmann
----
"If I had my life to live again, I'd make the same
mistakes, only sooner."
-- Tallulah Bankhead
----
"Please note, however, that thanks to the vigilant
efforts of the National Rifle Association, you
retain your constitutional right to shoot the
flag."
-- Dave Barry
----
KHOMEINI HOOKED ON "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL"
-- Weekly World News
----
"Kid, we're in the movie business here. If you
want to send a message, call Western Union."
-- Louis B. Mayer
----
You're listening to WKDU. No one else is, but you
are.
[radio ad]
----
This is KFJC and you are listening to our
hour-long music-free commercial sweep.
[radio ad]
----
Jeff Meyer
it will eat him last."
-- Winston Churchill
----
"The thing that impresses me most about America is
the way parents obey their children."
-- Duke of Windsor
----
"Lean too much on the approval of people, and it
becomes a bed of thorns."
-- Tehyi Hsieh
----
"The best thing about animals is that they don't
talk much."
-- Thorton Wilder
----
"I am beginning to repel
people I am trying to
seduce."
"He must have been
great-looking, right?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Because nobody invites a
*bad*-looking idiot to
their bedroom."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"Wouldn't this be a great
world if insecurity and
desperation made us more
attractive?"
"Call if you get weird."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"Couldn't they all come through the same window?"
[The SWAT team through Maddie's window in MOONLIGHTING]
----
"You think anyone who's
proud of the work we do
is an ass-kisser."
"No... I think anyone who
*puckers* up their lips,
and *presses* it against
their boss's buttocks
and then *smoochs* is
an ass-kisser."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"You're just absolutely
right, and I'm absolutely
wrong. It must be NICE
to always believe you
know better... to always
think you're the smartest
person in the room."
"No, it's *awful*."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"What d'you do when your
real life exceeds your
dreams?"
"Keep it to yourself!"
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks
I'm an asshole."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"Now, is there anything I
can do for you?"
"Well, I certainly hope
you die soon."
[BROADCAST NEWS]
----
"Take this creature, for
example: he does not
exhibit any DNA
structure."
"Look who's talkin'.
Man, you sound just like
my ex-wife."
[Data and a gambler from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION]
----
"Sorry, boys, there's nothing I can do for you.
I'm all washed up; my super-hero days are over.
But as long as you're here... how about a little
stud poker?"
[THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"I've heard enough of your twaddle, Ringleader;
we'll settle this the *American* way -- with our
fists!"
[THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"There are three things I've learned not to discuss
with people: Religion, Politics, and the Great
Pumpkin."
[Linus from PEANUTS]
----
"Humphrey knows nothing about newspapers. He's a
Civil Servant. I'm a politician, I know all about
them. I have to. They can make or break me. I know
exactly who reads them. _The Times_ is read by the
people who run the country. The _Daily Mirror_ is
read by the people who think they run the country.
_The Guardian_ is read by the people who think
they ought to run the country. _The Morning Star_
is read by the people who think the country ought
to be run by another country. _The Independent_ is
read by the people who don't know who runs the
country but are sure they're doing it wrong. The
_Daily Mail_ is read by the wives of the people
who run the country. The _Financial Times_ is read
by the people who own the country. The _Daily
Express_ is read by the people who think that the
country ought to be run as it used to be run. The
_Daily Telegraph_ is read by the people who still
think it *is* their country. And _Sun_ readers
don't care who runs the country providing she has
big tits."
-- YES, PRIME MINISTER
----
"Supposing I gave the
order to press the
button, and then changed
my mind?"
"That's all right, no one
would ever know, would
they?"
-- YES, PRIME MINISTER
----
"There are no big name people here, only those of
us with bigger mouths than others."
-- Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
----
down rather well."
-- God, the Ultimate Autobiography
----
"Trouble: Charles Manson. *REAL* Trouble: His evil
twin"
-- Mister Boffo
----
"The University of Utah has announced that they can
turn seawater into fuel. Exxon's already doing
that in Alaska."
-- Jay Leno 4/3/89
----
"Fundamentalists are to Christianity what
paint-by-numbers is to art."
-- Robin Tyler
----
"Why use a REAL development system when you can
bang a rock against your head?"
[From the net...]
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"AVALANCHE (Embassy) 1978. Roger Corman's
ski resort is populated by corrupt
businessmen, sensitive misunderstood wives,
and sincere, motivated ecologists -- all
schtuping like there's no tomorrow!"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"SGT. PRESTON OF THE YUKON (Rhino). A
middle-aged man who like to dress up in
bright red uniforms and hang out with a team
of Husky dogs mixes it up with mean,
grizzled trappers in vintage TV episodes."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"COCKTAIL (Touchstone). Sexual exploits of a
handsome mixologist furnished the Beach Boys
with their first number one hit in 18 years."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"RUNNING ON EMPTY (Warner). Emotional,
disturbing picture about fugitive radicals
trying to lead "normal" lives is important
-- not for River Phoenix's adenoidal
method-acting, but because it deglorifies
the 60's and presents it as the uptight,
violent decade it really was."
----
"Just like I've always said; there's nothing an
agnostic can't do if he's not sure he believes in
anything or not!"
[Monty Python]
----
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the
country. The Washington Post is read by the
people who think they run the country. The
National Enquirer is read by the people who think
Elvis is alive and running the country..."
[?]
----
"Drop the gun or I'll kill
your girlfriend."
"Go ahead. I got lots of
girlfriends."
[THE DREAM TEAM]
----
"But in spite of all temptations
To belong to other nations
He remains an Englishman!
He rema-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ains an Englishman!"
[Gilbert and Sullivan]
----
"Hell's not so bad, as long as you don't mind
eating at Arby's."
-- Nick Bonesteel
----
"Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine."
-- Patti Smith
----
"They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they
even laughed at Edison. But this was genuine,
heartfelt laughter... robust rolling waves of it,
from deep down... the kind where you know they
really mean it."
-- Joe Martin
----
"In the meantime, one word for any atheists among
you: wrong."
-- God, the Ultimate Autobiography
----
"Take cover everyone.
Justice is about to be
unleashed!"
"Holy crow! Not in my
store!!"
[Ad ad for GUN FURY]
----
"Take that and that and THAT and *THAT*! Ha! I
warned you, didn't I? Didn't I warn you? I
thought I warned you. I didn't? Oh, sorry."
[That crazy Max! From SAM AND MAX]
----
"We're buccaneers! We used
to have mundane office
jobs, working in cubicles
with water coolers and
coffee cups with clever
slogans and those wacky
calendars with photos of
diseased-looking chimps
wearing neckties."
"But you've got hooks and
peg legs."
"Funny about that."
[More reality concepts from SAM AND MAX]
----
"I love crap we'll never need -- that's my
*favorite* kind of crap!"
[Truth from SAM AND MAX]
----
"ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I blame society."
[From the forward of THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"It was a mutual parting
of the ways. We gave him
the freedom to do what he
wanted to do."
"What was that?"
"Drink himself to death."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"Yes, I produced and
directed a movie. A guy
had come to me with a
great script called
ROTHRO, LIZARD OF DOOM.
I loved it, but I figured
a lot of people would
have trouble remembering
the name. I know I did.
So I made a few changes,
and we released the
film."
"ED SMITH, LIZARD OF
DOOM."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"Not bad for someone Dick
Cavett once called `the
stupidest man on the face
of this planet.'"
"Stupid? I don't know
the meaning of the
word."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"Cowboy Wally, do you deny
saying Grace with your
mouth full on your 1979
Christmas episode?"
"Of course not! I am
merely stating that if
He had been there and
could smell that gravy
and those potatoes, I
think the Good Lord
Himself would have done
the same thing."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"`They killed his father.
Now he's fighting back.
When the law is not
enough, it's time to call
HAMLET.'"
"That could work."
"Is he two-fisted? We'll
do it if he's
two-fisted!"
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"But don't you see? Don't
you understand what
you're doing?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm
destroying Shakespeare's
snob appeal."
"You *fiend*."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
"I want anything with a
codpiece."
"What's a codpiece?"
"It makes you look
bigger."
"Oh, like pinstripes."
[THE COWBOY WALLY SHOW]
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"DETECTIVE SCHOOL DROP-OUTS (Cannon).
Frenzied, on-target comedy about three Mafia
cheese families' plan to dominate the world
pizza market. Best line: `Our cheese will
be on every pizza on the planet except
California. God knows what they put on
pizza in California!'"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"LONG JOHN SILVER (Showcase) 1952. Robert
Newton reprises his TREASURE ISLAND role as
a smelly, peg-legged old grunt who'd rather
hang out with a bunch of sailors wearing
scarves than with a lusty wench who wants
his body. Go figure."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE DUNWICH HORROR (Embassy) 1970. Noted
Dennis Hopper side-kick Dean Stockwell
excels in this H.P. Lovecraft story of a
Beatle-booted looney who's more interested
in 'unleashing the old ones' then getting
romantic with Sandra Dee. Before Stockwell's
recent comeback via BLUE VELVET and MARRIED
TO THE MOB, he had been selling real estate
in Los Angeles. Do you think that's where
he learned to lip-sync Roy Orbison songs?"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE PARIS EXPRESS (Showcase) 1953. Claude
'The Invisible Man' Raines is a dithery
little Walter Mitty who accidentally kills
his corrupt boss and hides out with a sexy
dominatrix who steals his money, plies him
with cheap booze, and calls him abusive and
pejorative names. Too bad Pictionary
hadn't been invented yet!"
----
"Whenever you have efficient government, you have a
dictatorship."
-- Harry Truman
----
"The great tragedy of life is not that men perish,
but that they cease to love."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
----
"I have learned to use the word `impossible' with
the greatest caution."
-- Werner von Braun
----
"You are not a realist unless you believe in
miracles."
-- Anwar el-Sadat
----
"Silence is the perfectest of herald of joy: I were
but little happy, if I could say how much."
-- William Shakespeare
----
"Three things in human life are important: The
first is to be kind. The second is to be kind.
And the third is to be kind."
-- Henry James
----
"There is nothing so habit-forming as money."
-- Don Marquis
----
"Girls like her are one in a million, so I guess my
chances are a million to one"
-- "Love at First Sight",
Jad Fair/Half-Japanese 50
Skidillion Watts Records
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 1st
In college bowl action, 'Goiters whip 'Roids,
'Geeters whonk 'Nads, and Colorado Raging
Hormones upset Utah State Fighting Lavatory
Inspection Certificates, leaving the question
of who is national champion once again to be
settled by the official NCAA procedure of
drunks shouting in bars.
----
"I'm bored with music between 1955 and 1980. I'm
completely bored. I can't listen to a rock and
roll record. I can't do it. I would rather
listen to hogs screwing."
-- Sting
----
"To the unwashed public, that woman is a star. But
to those who know her, she's a commodity who would
sell her own bowel movement."
-- Anthony Newley re: ex-wife
Joan Collins
----
"I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami,
but salami is salami."
-- Stephen King
----
"We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine
just happens to be beating up on people."
-- Sugar Ray Leonard
----
"I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet,
even though I look like King Kong."
-- Mr. T
----
"I can see stopping a car for a dog. But a cat?
You squish a cat and go on. I think we're
overcomplicating life."
-- Iowa Democratic State Senator
James Gallagher
----
"Work is the rent you pay for the room you occupy
on earth."
-- Queen Elizabeth
----
"The apes were all homosexuals, eager to wrap their
paws around Johnny's thighs. They were jealous of
me, and I loathed them."
-- Maureen O'Sullivan
----
"When we lose, I eat. When we win, I eat. I also
eat when we're rained out."
-- Tommy Lasorda
----
"I'd love to have my conk fixed. It's too big."
-- Princess Diana
----
"My wife and children are liabilities, and I haven't
sold them, have I?"
-- Ted Turner
----
"When I look at my children, I often wish I had
remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter
----
"I know there are nights when I have power, when I
could put on something and walk in somewhere, and
if there's a man who doesn't look at me, it's
because he's gay."
-- Kathleen Turner
----
"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be
happy, the single wish to be married, and the
married wish to be dead."
-- Ann Landers
----
"I'll do anything for him! I love him very much!
Write that with very big letters!"
-- Brigitte Nielsen re: Sylvester
Stallone, 1985
----
"My father peddles opium,
My mother's on the dole.
My sister used to walk the streets
But now she's on parole.
My uncle plays with little girls;
My aunt, she raped a steer,
But they won't even speak to me
'cause I'm an engineer."
-- The MIT Engineers' Drinking Song
----
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and
then suddenly it flips over, pinning you
underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
-- Matt Groening
----
"Some of Beethoven's favorite tunes are
Mendelssohn's 'Requiem', Handel's 'Messiah', and
Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet'."
-- Bill & Ted
----
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they
make as they fly by."
-- Douglas Adams
----
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my
life, unless I buy something."
-- Jackie Mason
----
"I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly.
Tuna-fish casserole is at least as real as
corporate stock."
-- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
----
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the
food in museums."
-- Peter De Vries
----
what is chosen by others."
-- Andre Maurois
----
"YUPPIES: <Y>es, <U>nder <P>eer <P>ressure <I>'ll
<E>at <S>hit"
-- Chris Squire
----
THANK GOD I'M A MONKEYBOY!
(sung to the tune of "Thank God I'm a Country Boy")
Well, I'm a Blue Blaze and I have a lotta fun,
A-settin' them Lectroid fellas on the run.
Stab 'em with a knife
Or shoot 'em with a gun...
Thank God I'm a monkeyboy.
Well, we got a boss and his name is Buckaroo.
He's a rock and roll musician and a neurosurgeon, too.
Get in any trouble
And he'll know just what to do...
Thank God I'm a monkeyboy.
Well, I got me a Go-Phone,
I got my inventions.
I got me a Jet-Car to go to conventions.
Mountains in the way?
We just use the Eighth Dimension!
Thank God I'm a monkeyboy.
-- Music: John Denver (Monkeyboy)
Lyrics: Blackjack (BBI)
Copyright 1989 by Savage
Music Division
----
"Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's
knowing what's right."
-- L.B.J.
----
"Artistic growth is, more than it is anything else,
a refining of the sense of truthfulness. The
stupid believe that to be truthful is easy; only
the artist, the great artist, knows how difficult
it is."
-- Willa Cather
----
"It's... Ghandi On Ice!"
"I'm starving for
attention, proclaiming
my dissension..."
[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
----
"For the last 14 years,
Mr. Ed has lived in a
small town in northern
California, where he
hosts a local radio
show."
"The subject tonight is
Nazi transvestites. I'm
Mr. Ed; talk to me."
[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
----
"Free James Brown! Free
James Brown!"
"Hey! Why James Brown?
Why aren't you concerned
about Nelson Mandela?"
"Hey! We take care a' our
people -- you let the
Eye-talians worry about
Nelson Mandela!"
[From WHAT'S ALLAN WATCHING?]
----
"Oh, Frank, um... wear leather, OK? Love you,
babe."
[Vinnie tweaks Frank in WISEGUY]
----
"She used to be a superstar -- now she works for
you. Life can be cruel."
[...and Travis tweaks Vinnie in WISEGUY]
----
"...there's MARVEL PREMIERE which features
`Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..."
-- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976
----
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly
considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure
wrongly considered."
-- G. K. Chesterton
----
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without
significant intelligence."
-- Henrik Tikkanen
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER (CMV). As SCTV
would say, `Stay tuned for THE MAKING OF
MICHAEL JACKSON'S MOONWALKER, followed by THE
MAKING OF THE MAKING OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S
MOONWALKER.'"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"SLIPPING INTO DARKNESS (Virgin). `Thrilling
action occurs when small-town girls seeking
big-time excitement accidentally kill a young
boy and must escape the vengeance of his biker
buddies.' You meet the nicest people on a
Honda."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"BUCKEYE AND BLUE (Academy). Two spoiled
teen-agers from the New York Academy for the
Performing Arts prance around in Civil War
duds and say `Yup,' `Nope,' and `Ah reckon.'
This really sucks."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"REDNECK ZOMBIES (TransWorld). Ad states
`Slobbering hillbillies drink some radioactive
brewsky and become cannibal kinfolk from
Hell!' Personally, I would reflect long and
hard before renting any movie that was shot in
`entrail-vision.'"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE FEAR CHAMBER (Republic). Boris Karloff
and his daughter discover a super-intelligent,
subterranean rock that can only survive on the
blood of terrified human beings. Apparently
the rock plans to conquer the world, though it
spends most of its time watching bad topless
dancing."
----
"Looky hyar,
boys!"
"Golden bullets!"
"Hoo-hah!"
"This man is the
LONE STRANGER!"
[From the classic Kurtzman/Davis MAD parody of the Lone Ranger]
----
"Of the 500 or so films a year from all the
Hollywood sources during [the height of the studio
system] -- and I saw many of them when they were
released, some of them much more recently -- I
estimate that about two percent are worth the time
of a cultivated viewer today."
-- Stanley Kauffmann
----
Excerpt from the press conference where Lyndon LaRouche
supporters revealed a plot by the KGB and Department
of Justice to assassinate LaRouche:
"What documentation do you
have to prove the KGB/DOJ
murder plot?"
"Ohhh, ho ho! We're sure
all right."
-- Alex Heard, THE NEW REPUBLIC
----
DAN QUAYLE ON LATIN AMERICA, 2/4/89 New York Times:
"We expect them to work towards the
elimination of human rights, elimination of
human rights in accordance with the pursuit
of justice."
----
"For the love of
Jesus, Mr. Chiun."
"Now you've
done it."
"For Jesus? Oh, no.
We never got a
day's work from Him."
[Everyone's favorite Sinanju assassins, Remo and Chiun, from the DESTROYER]
----
"If you're not a player, you're not in the game."
[Vinnie Terrenova's mob motto on WISEGUY]
----
"Emotionally vulnerable women.... They eat this
sensitive crap up!"
-- Dan Fielding
----
"Remember, these terrorists are professionals.
Highly trained and well equipped. With their own
set of silly religious beliefs."
[There's nothing like three dinosaurs with semi-automatic weapons for
cleaning up terrorism. From DINOSAURS FOR HIRE.]
----
"Well done, Lads. In
record time, you killed
ALL of the terrorists.
Unfortunately, you've
killed all the hostages
as well."
"Awww. Does that mean
their boring life
stories won't be made
into a mini-series for
the May sweeps?"
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"For a cool half mil, I'd
be Elvis' love slave."
"He wouldn't *have* you.
You talk too much,
you're too skinny, and
you always want on top."
[It had to be said. DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"And as far as Burton
directing goes..."
"Oh, give it a rest."
[Siskel and Ebert beat on each over the directing choice for Batman, in THE
INCREDIBLE HULK]
----
"In what he called the 'great tradition of warnings
in presidential farewells,' Reagan reproached the
movies, television and young parents for failing
to indoctrinate American youth in 200-proof
patriotism, the way they did in his day. 'If we
forget what we did,' said the man who still can't
remember trading arms for hostages, 'we won't know
who we are.' The section ended with this weird
passage: 'And children, if your parents haven't
been teaching you what it means to be an American,
let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a
very American thing to do.'"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
----
"Somebody has to have the last word. If not, every
argument could be opposed by another and we'd
never be done with it."
-- Albert Camus
----
"To write a good love letter, you ought to begin
without knowing what you mean to say, and to
finish without knowing what you have written."
-- Jean Jaques Rousseau
----
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up
at 7:30 in the morning feeling just plain
terrible."
-- Jean Kerr
----
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few
people are interested and the frog dies of it."
-- E.B. White
----
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is
as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as
though everything is a miracle."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"Think before you speak is criticism's motto; speak
before you think, creation's."
-- E.M. Forster
----
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their
melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part
of ourselves; we must die to one life before we
can enter another."
-- Anatole France
----
"Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and
fork?"
-- Stanislaw Lem
----
"Reason in man is rather like God in the world."
-- St. Thomas Aquinas
----
"Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade
of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in
my sight, shall snuff it."
[Classic Python from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL]
----
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:
In a TV interview, House of Representatives
Republican leader Robert Michel bemoaned the end
of black-face minstrel shows, saying, "I used to
love to imitate Amos 'n Andy."
----
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television
Network was presenting "The Late Show" hosted by
comedian Arsenio Hall, was approached by Hall in
the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant.
Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and
said, "It's the green Jaguar."
----
SF Examiner's MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988:
A spokesman for the California Board of Dental
Examiners revealed the board's enforcement
personnel carry guns because "There are some
dentists out there who have a criminal kind of
leaning."
----
"Voom???? That parrot wouldn't voom if you put
4000 volts through him. It's bleedin' demised...
This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be.
It's expired and gone to meet his maker. It's a
stiff - bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you
hadn't nailed him to the perch, it would have been
pushing up the daisies. It's off the twig. It's
shuffled off this mortal coil. It's run down the
curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible.
It's f**king snuffed it! Vis-a-vis the metabolic
processes, it's had it's lot. All statements to
the effect that this parrot is still a going
concern are henceforth inoperative. This is an
EX-parrot."
[Classic Python: who can possibly forget the Parrot Sketch?]
----
"This calls for... Ludicrous Speed!"
[SPACEBALLS]
----
"All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!"
[Python]
----
"Moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue"
-- Oliver North
[...so support Ollie's philosophy, and send him to
the slammer...]
----
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I
craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a
meaningful vision of human life - so I became a
scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so
you can meet girls."
-- M. Cartmill
----
"Intel architectures build
character."
"Segments are for worms."
"Feh."
[Seen in another signoff line. I like it.]
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"JUNGLE HEAT (Interglobal). Lovable,
obscenity-spewing Peter Fonda teams up with
frigid, hard-working Deborah Raffin to track
down a homicidal, gooey 'lost tribe' who
look like midget Sons of Kong on bad
Electric Kool-Aid."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PIPPI LONGSTOCKING
(Columbia). For unfathomable reasons, these
Pippi movies have a fanatical following
among the New York punk underground. You
figure it out."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"PHANTASM II (MCA). To make up for featuring
The Tall Man (Angus Scrimm) for about ten
minutes, this languid sequel spotlights some
fairly graphic nudity. Problem is you're
never really sure if the androgynous actor
in question is a man or a woman, and that
takes a lot of the fun out of it."
----
"I'm the world's first fully-functioning homicidal
artist."
[The Joker in the BATMAN movie]
----
"I wear a cape. You take pictures. It is not a
perfect world."
[Bruce Wayne philosophizes to his girlfriend in BATMAN]
----
"Well, ladies, I've got
some good news and some
bad news. The good news
is that your dates are
here."
"What's the bad news?"
"They're dead."
[From the classic NIGHT OF THE CREEPS]
----
"If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and
incredibly handsome, why does he need to put on a
batsuit? Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask
and kick the crap out of people?"
-- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN
----
"Such is the popularity of the president that the
people will support him in whatever he will do or
will not do, without appealing to their own reason
or to anything but their feelings toward him."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
"God grant me the serenity to fix the bugs I find,
and to call the rest features."
[Seen in a signoff line, uncredited]
----
"What goes up must come down. Ask any system
administrator."
[Seen in a signoff line, uncredited]
----
"Curse you, Inspector Dim. You are too clever for
us naughty people."
[Monty Python's Dim! (DIM of the YARD!)]
----
"Democracy takes time. Dictatorship is quicker,
but too many people get shot."
[From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"]
----
"The Americans want blood; but that of course is
their style. They watch too many Westerns in
their formative years."
[From the excellent Channel 4 production, "A Very British Coup"]
----
"Shush, Pokey! At a time
like this, NO job is less
important than the next!"
"What about those guys
who hand out towels in
the locker rooms?"
[GUMBY AND POKEY'S WINTER FUN SPECIAL, where Gumby and Pokey go to Heck]
----
[Sung to Billy Joel's "The Longest Time"]
When I next return from time and space
I might have a somewhat different face
Don't start debating
I've been off regenerating
That only happens
For a Lord of Time.
-- Peter David
----
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit
television show, which would be called `A Live
Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
-- Dave Barry
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jan. 9th
In a decision that will later prove to be a
tragic mistake, Massachusetts Gov. Michael
Dukakis approves a prison furlough for U.S.
Attorney General Edwin Meese.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 3rd
Suspected drug trafficker Manuel Noriega
purchases a full-page advertisement for
"mail-order narcotics" in My Weekly Reader.
Observant U.S. foreign-policy experts examine
this possible clue with magnifying glasses and
secret decoder rings.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 16th
Primary election day finally dawns in New
Hampshire as thousands of voters go to the
polls, read the names of the leading
presidential contenders, then lie down in the
snow to die.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 17th
The Winter Olympics are marred by suspicions of
possible drug abuse after Ular Bforgsen of
Norway wins the ski jump with a leap of 14,768
feet.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 25th
True item: Published reports reveal that a U.S.
B-1 bomber, which costs $238 million and is
designed to use the world's most sophisticated
technology to be able to penetrate deep into
Soviet airspace, crashed because it hit a
pelican.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Mar. 20th
George "The Enforcer" Bush, explaining his
Anti-Crime Platform at a Texas campaign rally,
bites the head off a duck.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Jun. 22nd
In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports
that the Greenhouse Effect is getting worse and
nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps are
going to melt and we're all going to die. Next
week's cover: Cher.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Aug. 2nd
In Gdansk, Poland, shipyard workers finally
reach an agreement with the government after
eight years on strike and return to work, only
to discover amidst much hearty laughter that
they no longer have the faintest idea how to
build ships.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 4th
In a tough and practical pre-election stride
forward in the War on Drugs, Congress votes to
dig up deceased suspected pushers and have them
shot.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 10th
The America's Cup competition, reflecting
radical improvements in technology, is won
decisively by the U.S.S. Vincennes when skipper
Dennis Conner "mistakes" the New Zealand
challenger for an attacking Iranian fighter jet.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Sep. 18th
In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins
the 100-meter dash, the 200-meter hurdles, the
pole vault, platform diving, table tennis and
tae kwon do. "I felt very good today," says
the Canadian athlete, although not in any
recognizable language.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 2nd
Generoso Pope Jr., publisher of the National
Enquirer, dies. Elvis rushes to scene.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 31st
Many radio stations re-broadcast Orson Welle's
classic "War of the Worlds" on the 50th
anniversary of the night when millions of
Americans were terrified by the belief that the
Earth had been invaded by Martian spacecraft
carrying furloughed rapist Willie Horton.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 1st
The publishers of Batman comics, responding to
a poll of their readers, kill Pee-wee Herman.
----
"There are only two mistakes one can make along the
road to truth: (1) not going all the way; and (2)
not starting."
-- Buddha
----
"The art of being a good guest is knowing when to
leave."
-- Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh
----
"I always prefer to believe the best of everybody
-- it saves so much trouble."
-- Rudyard Kipling
----
"It's Mayor McCheese."
"Huh?? What kind of
menace is Mayor
McCheese?!"
"Um... Okay. He has a
machine gun."
[Woody tries to add some life to a role-playing game in ZOT!]
----
"I'll bite his leg off."
[Someone getting into a role-playing game a bit too much in ZOT!]
----
"Nah. You don't get it yet. See, I ain't inta
gettin' burned. HELL no. Am inta burnin'. Man, I
burn all *kindsa* shit."
[The Ganja Fire Man, from MIRACLEMAN]
----
"And what you didn't give
away, you spent on wild
parties, young girls, and
every drug you could get
your hands on."
"Every pill I took kept
it out of some kid's
hands!"
[Melvis Wesley (yes, everyone uses a psuedonym these days) is back from the
dead in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"Howard Hughes, John
Wayne, Melvis Wesley."
"Rocket scientists all."
[A wry dinosaur in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"God BLESS America! You can't do this in Russia!"
[Melvis comments on the freedoms he enjoys in America... DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"Gadzooks! The Bumble Snow Monster of the North
strikes again!"
-- Yukon Cornellius
[You MUST know this one... from RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER]
----
"Thank you for
not seating us.
I'm sorry, our
children are
animals!"
"Oh, come on now,
Eleanor; in a
sense, we are
all animals,
don't you think?"
"McDONALDS,
McDONALDS!!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
"Just remember, the stars are *very* far away...
but that's good, because they're REALLY HOT!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
CORRECTION:
"In our `Pets on Parade' episode, we incorrectly
identified a Yorkshire Terrier as a reptile. Our
veterinary friends assure us that the Yorky is
actually a yapping rug, and not an animal at all."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
CORRECTION:
"And lastly, we made the
mistake of calling the
Chief Executive of the
United States of America
`a mindless baboon', when
we should have called him
`Mr. President'."
"For this, and for
everything, we are
sincerely sorry."
"Very... sorry."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
CORRECTION:
"Of course, the cards and
letters just poured in
when we mistakenly
credited actor Clint
Eastwood with the line
`Why don't you come up
and see me sometime?' in
the movie IT'S A
WONDERFUL LIFE."
"What Eastwood actually
said was, `Move and I'll
blow your head off,' in
the film LAST YEAR AT
MARIENBAD."
"And it was actor Jimmy
Stewart who said, `You're
a frustrated old miser
with no friends' to
actress Donna Reed in the
final moving scenes of
the film, HIROSHIMA, MON
AMOUR."
"Our apologies to the
entire film industry, as
well as our listening
audience. We are *very*
sorry."
"Sorry."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
"You know, back in the war I was a spy for General
Lee. One day he called into his tent and he says,
`Secret Agent X-9, I want you to go behind enemy
lines and blow up a blue-belly bridge.' So, I
disguised myself as a farmer, got myself a big bag
of bombs and painted 'em all to look like ears of
corn. Got behind enemy lines, and there was a
Union picket there. Bunch of guards, they said,
`Halt! Who goes there?' And I said, `Just a
rebel spy, come to blow up the bridge!'
"Well... soon as those words were outta my mouth, I
coulda just kicked myself."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio,
SENSELESS CRUELTY
----
"Eat death, orphans!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio,
SENSELESS CRUELTY
----
"It's no use, boys -- there's too many damn
orphans! (Why can't teenagers be more careful?)"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio,
SENSELESS CRUELTY
----
"Dear Doctor Science: Back
in B.C., when they
counted the years
backwards, did they count
the months and days
backwards, too?"
"Your ignorance appalls
me."
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
"There's something in the cornfield... an evil that
has no name! Zadar, Cow from Hell!"
-- Duck's Breath Homemade Radio
----
"You think this job is easy? Not only do I have to
wade through politics, life and popular culture, I
have to have an opinion. You can go to the movies
and fall asleep -- not this consumer!"
-- Ian Shoales
----
"At Microsoft, it doesn't matter which file you're
compiling, only which flags you #define."
-- Colin Plumb
----
"We had a better class of bastard in the old days,
that's for sure."
-- The Red Mask
----
"Strong men tremble when they hear it.
They've got cause enough to fear it;
It's even blacker than they smear it!
No one mentions -- my name."
-- Bill Sykes
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE GHOUL (Sinister Cinema) 1933. Boris
Karloff, correctly sensing that his
indifferent relatives, his corrupt
accountant, and his slavishly persnickety
butler are all going to steal his estate
blind, comes back from the grave and scares
the whoozits out of the greedy fuckers."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"YOUNG GUNS (Vestron). Big-budget misfire
stars Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou
Diamond Phillips, Charlie Sheen and two
others as Hollywood drugstore outlaws. If
you made one of them a construction worker
and another an Indian, they'd be The Village
People!"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"FUNNY FARM (Warners). A lot of good things
have gotten screwed up during the 80s.
Chevy Chase isn't one of them -- he stopped
being funny in 1977!"
----
"Peace on Earth. Wish you were here."
[Dan'l Danehy-Oakes' Christmas Card greetings...]
----
"A bear in his natural habitat: a Studebaker!"
[THE MUPPET MOVIE]
----
"I'm too old for Santa Claus, and I don't believe
in Batman."
[From JON SABLE, FREELANCE]
----
"Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives
rather than tenets."
-- Robert Frost
----
"Those whose hope is weak settle down for comfort
or for violence; those whose hope is strong see
and cherish all signs of new life and are ready at
every moment to help the birth of that which is
ready to be born."
-- Erich Fromm
----
"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world that is
doing its best, night and day, to make you
everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight, and never
stop fighting."
-- e. e. cummings
----
"On the day of victory no one is tired."
-- Arab proverb
----
"Tradition does not mean that the living are dead;
it means the dead are living."
-- Harold Macmillan
----
"They that love beyond the world cannot be
separated by it. Death is but crossing the world,
as friends do the seas; they live in one another
still."
-- William Penn
----
"I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything
said about the masses. First you take their faces
from 'em by calling 'em the masses and then you
accuse 'em of not having any faces."
-- J. B. Priestley
----
"In nature there are neither rewards nor
punishments -- there are consequences."
-- Robert Green Ingalls
----
"Man is not the creature of circumstances.
Circumstances are the creatures of men."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
----
"The Boom Tube has emerged
on Earth!"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Just look at the tacky
furniture!"
[Those trite androids from MR. MIRACLE]
----
"Mr. Nguyen, I'm dead, not stupid."
[A wise zombie from BILLY NGUYEN]
----
"Mention Jerry Garcia and I'll puke on your shoes."
[A ha-ha from BILLY NGUYEN]
----
"I think that is what is called a `self-fulfilling
prophecy.' I think it is a brave thing, and... I
think it is wonderful."
[Yeah, that's the effect DOC SAVAGE has on people...]
----
"So we're not alone. Now I have to die -- *now*!
Just when human history promises to become
interesting!"
[CONCRETE's Mom grumbling about dying, after finding out her son's brain is
in an alien's body]
----
"A man can do something for peace without having to
jump into politics. Each man has inside him a
basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it
and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what
it is the world needs most."
-- Pablo Casals
----
"It is at night that faith in light is admirable."
-- Edmond Rostand
----
"For me the cinema is not a slice of life, but a
piece of cake."
-- Alfred Hitchcock
----
"Bill Cosby, huh?"
"If you play your cards
right..."
[David Addison, baby, from MOONLIGHTING]
----
"What're you trying to do -- screw up our chances
for syndication?"
[David, from MOONLIGHTING]
----
"WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
WITHOUT A RE-RUN,
[except one or two...]"
[Surrreee... the MOONLIGHTING cast makes some promises for the new season]
----
"Chi-ka-go! Bang Bang!"
[Czech border guards (including Joe Flaharty) with guns pointed at them,
from STRIPES]
----
"We're not going to Moscow -- it's Czechoslovakia!
It's like going into Wisconsin!"
[Bill Murray paints a rosy scenario in STRIPES]
----
"Nah, we're not
homosexual, but we are
willing to learn."
"Yeah, would they send us
someplace special?"
[Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in an Army recruiting station in STRIPES]
----
"Oh, you look like a sensitive, intelligent guy.
Don't make me shoot you."
[The kind of cute M.P. that appears only in movies, from STRIPES]
----
"We're Americans -- with a capital 'A'! And do you
know what that means? Do you? It means that our
forefathers were kicked out of every decent
country in the world."
[Rousing speech by Bill Murray in STRIPES]
----
"You know, you're very pretty... for a cop!"
[Bill Murray's line to P.J. Soles in STRIPES]
----
"Hey! You didn't read me
my rights!"
"This is Mexico, pal. The
only Miranda they've
heard of around here
wears bananas on her
head."
[I dunno... I got it from Jerry Boyajian]
----
"There's no such thing as evil. Just excuses that
heaven won't accept."
[Peter David]
----
"Famous age-old rock group Pink Floyd visited the
Soviet Union this week where their historic album
[Dark Side of the Moon] has been on the Soviet top
ten list for the last decade. Spokesmen for the
Soviet government welcoming the group to Moscow
said, `Wow... the Floyd, man.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"New York's record lottery prize of $45 million was
claimed today by Raymond Simmons, an unemployed
crack addict from Brooklyn. He said he planned no
changes in his life-style."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like
the old saying goes, `You gotta be in it to win
it... but first, you gotta have a dead-end job so
pathetic you're willing to kill five hours
standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (MGM/UA) 1957.
Over-achieving gluttony, excessive sex, and
inebriation among powerful Manhattan
entertainment columnists. Why don't I ever
get invited to these parties?"
----
Geraldo Rivera on the cover of the NATIONAL
ENQUIRER, regarding his being hit on the air:
"I battled hate-mongers -- and won!"
----
"Following the Geraldo Rivera `watch out for flying
chairs' incident there was a deep belch of media
concern about Trash Television. Newsweek, the
Washington Post, and a few other publications ran
anguished analyses. Television experts told us,
grimly, what this trend says about our country. (I
already knew what it said about our country --
`We're stupid' -- but it was fun to hear the
experts say that in 25 words or more.)"
-- Alex Heard
----
"I've never thought my speeches were too long; I've
enjoyed them."
-- Hubert Humphrey
----
"When the President does it, that means it's not
illegal."
-- Richard Nixon
----
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule
is already full."
-- Henry Kissinger
----
"It is fun being in the same decade with you."
-- FDR to Winston Churchill, 1942
----
"God gave us our memories so that we might have
roses in December."
-- Sir James Barrie
----
"The American people were asked to choose between a
candidate whose theme was `We're all right, Jack,'
and a candidate who said, `Eat your broccoli.'"
-- William Schneider
----
"Young conservatives must feel the withdrawal
symptoms most. It's not just the loss of a father
figure, either. It's the utter banality of what
is to come. After eight years of revolutionary
activity, schmoozing with George Bush is going to
be difficult. Trained to kill, they're suddenly
having to take crash courses in outreach. You can
see them wandering aimlessly around Washington
these days, pained, simpering grins on their
faces, engaging in mild post-Reagan banter.
`How're you doing today, Clinton?' `Oh, kinder and
gentler, Dean, thank you.'"
-- Andrew Sullivan
----
"In our last episode,
Hoodwinkle was searching
for a cure to a disease
plaguing the world."
"At last, a cure for loud
Hawaiian shirts!"
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"Well, Zoiks! Let's take off his mask and see who
he is. [...] Hey, there's nothing under here but a
neck and some tendons."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"Look, it's Mister *E*!"
"I pity the fool who
picks on my group of
ethnically-mixed
friends."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"Gosh, I feel my IQ dropping by the minute."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"Now I see why they call television a medium.
Nothing on it is rare or well-done."
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
-- Bill Murray, GHOSTBUSTERS
----
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make
a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven."
-- John Milton
----
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more
complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of
genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the
opposite direction."
-- E. F. Schumacher
----
"Genuine poetry can communicate before it is
understood."
-- T.S. Elliot
----
Re: an article titled 'Inside The Dukakis Campaign':
"Kinda like looking up a dead horse's ass."
-- William Meyer (succinctly put, Dad)
----
"I'd like to ram a hunk of fried goat cheese
straight up his ass."
[A wonderful line from MYSTIC PIZZA]
----
"In a calm sea every man is a pilot."
-- John Ray
----
BEST non sequitur FOR 1988:
"Let's cut through the demagoguery. America is #1."
-- George Bush
----
"Everybody knows they're worth something on this
world. But we're never quite sure on my planet.
We're always trying to prove it to someone."
[Another solemn, gently ironic line from ZOT!]
----
"There's too many people here! Maybe we should
kill some!"
[Yow! FLAMING CARROT and Screwball on a binge!]
----
"You took on the immortal DR. FOOM with a
MEATBALL!"
[A fine-lookin' babe expresses amazement at one of FLAMING CARROT's stories]
----
"Better watch out, Carrot,
or you're going to wind
up as a Saturday morning
cartoon character, just
like Mr. T!"
"Alright! That did it!"
[Tension you could cut through with a wiffleball in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
----
"So, what's on, Doyle?"
"Ah, videos, unless you
wanna see THE SCARLET
CLAW."
"Might as well. Holmes
does that cool speech on
Canada at the end."
[Jaime, Jaime, Jaime... from LOVE & ROCKETS]
----
"If we cannot now end our differences, at least we
can help make the world safe for diversity."
-- John F. Kennedy
----
"Unhappiness is the hunger to get; happiness is the
hunger to give."
-- William George Jordan
----
"The fate of the country... does not depend on what
kind of paper you drop into the ballot box once a
year, but on what kind of man you drop from your
chamber into the street every morning."
-- Henry David Thoreau
----
"I have occasional memory
lapses."
"Oh, I get it. You're a
politician."
[A rather odd comparison: THE HULK and politicians. Script by Peter David.]
----
"You've got to learn more about Motown, Miles.
Those raisins didn't invent that song, you know."
[From the TV series MURPHY BROWN]
----
"I am the Supreme Being, you know. I'm not
entirely dim."
[Sir Ralph Richardson as God (he's probably at the right hand of Him,
anyway) in TIME BANDITS]
----
"I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...
...and I'm all out of bubble gum."
[From THEY LIVE!]
----
"Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate Lloyd
Bentson today said that he would now return to his
old job as the Grandfather Clock on the Captain
Kangaroo show."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Isn't it ironic that Herman Wouk's WAR AND
REMEMBRANCE cost $110,000,000 to produce when
World War II itself cost only $80,000,000."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Y'know, the movie sequel ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
was released this week, one of the Biblical signs
that Armageddon is near."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"No love without freedom. No freedom without love.
Simple truths. Worth dying for."
[A broken (or is he?) #6 speaks to the new #6 in THE PRISONER comic]
----
IAN SHOALES Re: LOTTERIES:
"Luck gets a bureaucracy."
----
"Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't
cross the thin line between cute and demonic."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I don't like people who speak French in public
places. This includes the French."
-- Ian Shoales
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"E.T. (MCA). I met him at the Video Software
Dealers Association Convention in Las Vegas.
Helluva sweet guy."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"SCAVENGERS (Academy). As far as films
featuring stuntment driving motorcycles out
of airplanes goes, this is one of the best."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (MGM/UA). Michael
J. Fox is a Manhattan yuppie who worries
about his identity while wearing $400 suits
and driving his new BMW. This is about as
gritty as Fox ever gets."
----
"Several great men have occupied the vice
presidential office -- Thomas Jefferson and
Theodore Roosevelt certainly. But there has only
been one great vice president. Thomas Riley
Marshall served two happy terms under Woodrow
Wilson, content to be, as he once wrote in a
letter to his boss, `your only vice.' In contrast
to the recent veeps with elaborate Secret Service
retinues to convince people of their importance,
Marshall was happy to play the homespun game. `In
the city of Denver, while I was vice president,'
he recalled, `a big, husky policeman kept
following me around, until I asked him what he was
doing. He said he was guarding my person. I
said: "Your labor is in vain. Nobody was ever
crazy enough to shoot at a vice president. If you
go away and find somebody to shoot at me, I'll go
down in history as being the first vice president
who ever attracted enough attention even to have a
crank shoot at him."'"
-- Nicholas Von Hoffman
----
THE 1988 CAMPAIGN "Huh?" AWARD:
"George Bush has the experience, and with me the
future -- a future committed to our family, a
future committed to the freedom."
-- Sen. Dan Quayle
----
"Quayle hasn't had a press conference in nearly two
weeks (not since the one in which, memorably, he
had called the Holocaust `an obscene period in
American history', and then, trying to explain
that he meant this century's history, blurted out
`I didn't live in this century.')..."
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
----
"The question raised by the prospect of President
Quayle is the same as the question raised by the
prospect of President Bush and for that matter by
the reality of President Reagan: How long can a
great nation afford to have silly leaders?"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
----
"For the rest of your life you must run,
Your day in the sun is done,
You're a LIBERAL... Run, liberal, run!
"Big government was your creed;
But now you're the last of a dying breed.
So, run liberal run,
Run run run run run run,
Run run run RUN,
Run run run run;
Run run..."
-- Saturday Night Live
----
"You know how they test condoms now? They pull 'em
down over Howie Mandel's head."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"Those whales trapped beneath the ice in Alaska
were finally freed this week when actress Shelly
Winters dove into the icy waters, swam to the pair
and led them to safety."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"In view of all the deadly computer viruses that
have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would
like to remind you: when you link up to another
computer, you're linking up to every computer that
that computer has ever linked up to."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
"When you put all this into The Big Picture, you
point the blame at New Hampshire. They pick both
candidates; every election, they get first choice.
I know, we trust them because they seem solid: The
Granite State. Well, it's more like The Small
Mammals By The Side Of The Road State. There they
are, passing themselves off as some kind of Norman
Rockwell/American archetypes; `Live Free or Die',
that's their motto -- it's on all their license
plates. But when you think that these license
plates are made by people in prison... well, it
makes you wonder what it really means. [...]
"Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's perfectly safe
to hand over the destiny of our nation to a pack
of maple syrup-swilling squirrel worshipers..."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Ignorance is not bliss -- it's oblivion."
-- Phillip Wylie
----
"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as
to seek happiness by changing anything but his own
disposition will waste his life in fruitless
efforts."
-- Samuel Johnson
----
"I started at the top and worked my way down."
-- Orson Welles
----
"I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.
It's useless to fight the forms, you've got to
kill the people producing them."
-- Vladimir Kabaidze, General
Director of the Ivanovo Machine
Building Works
----
"Three men against twenty? Impossible. Now, if
only we had a wheelbarrow..."
[From THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
----
"Don't rush a miracle man. You rush a miracle man,
you get rotten miracles."
[From THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
----
"Batman didn't write any
plays."
"Yeah, but Shakespeare
didn't beat up any
crooks."
[Overheard at a sci-fi convention by Jerry Boyajian]
----
"I know human names well enough. After all, you
are who you eat."
[Ed the Shark (one of my favorite characters) from Diane Duane's DEEP
WIZARDRY (one of my favorite books)]
----
"You warm-bloods are all such great believers. But
there's no greater pragmatist than a shark."
[Damn straight. From DEEP WIZARDRY.]
----
"Do you expect me to
talk?"
"No, Mister Bond; I
expect you to die."
[That famous line from GOLDFINGER]
----
Jeff Meyer
expensive radio, 730.
[radio ad]
----
This has been [...] at KFJC reminding you that
animals are your friends, but they won't pick
you up at the airport.
[radio ad]
----
WKDU: Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of
POWER!
[radio ad]
----
Selections from TOP 10 IRANIAN T-SHIRT SLOGANS:
10. IRAQ Busters
8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue
3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself
on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but
it sure helps
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man
and ultimately defeat him."
-- Russell Baker
----
"Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs
will be bigger than World War II.
"Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books."
-- Jay Leno
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"RED SCORPION (SGE). Hardcore action fans
have had a rough time since Eastwood started
direction 'serious' films and Schwarzenegger
went into froo-froo comedies. Enter
muscle-bound, inarticulate Dolph Lundgred --
you want shit-for-brains, you got 'em."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE LAND BEFORE TIME (MCA). Warm, cuddly,
softly drawn dinosaurs romp through Steven
Spielburg's prehistoric fantasy. Don't you
wish we could revive Reptilicus or Varan the
Unbelievable? They'd kick some ass, you
betcha!"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"THE PHANTOM EMPIRE (Prism). A group of
oversexed, acquisitive losers journey
underground in search of mineral wealth,
only to encounter some poorly paid extras in
gelastic, ludicrous Morlock masks, a few
topless cavegirls, and a really pissed off
Sybil Danning in Fred Olen Ray's marvelous
remake of the old Gene Autry serial."
----
MONDAY:
Donahue: Top Men Who Can't Stand It and Quit
Oprah Winfrey: A Former Lover of Mine (In Person,
Along with His Wife and Three Kids)
Geraldo: The Fattest People You Ever Laid Eyes On
Darin: Cross-Dressing at The Washington Post
Sally Jessy Raphael: Kids From Nice Homes Who
Eat Dirt
Morton Downey, Jr.: Please Don't Watch This Show
if You Weep at the Sight of
Cruelty!
Chuck: Parents from District 18 Discuss Bus
Transportation.
-- Garrison Keillor, "The Chuck
Show"
----
"Gentlemen, I think it's time we settled this our
way -- the American way. With Israeli-
manufactured weapons."
[American more ala DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
Selections from THE POPE'S TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT
HIS US TOUR:
10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee
Iacocca.
9. Not sure how people go the impression he
came over to fight Mike Tyson.
8. Disappointed to find out there is no real
Ponderosa.
6. 7 bucks? For a movie?
4. Hitchhikers keep switching radio stations on
Popemobile radio.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
"We've noticed some failure evidence"
What They Mean:
"Something's burning..."
[Off of rec.humor.funny]
----
THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
"So we've eliminated XXX."
What They Mean:
"It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get
at."
[Off of rec.humor.funny]
----
THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK:
What They Say:
"That's interesting."
What They Mean:
"Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like
that before."
[Off of rec.humor.funny]
----
DAN QUAYLE on MARS:
"We have seen pictures where there are canals, we
believe, and water. If there is water that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe."
["Looks like he's no Lyndon Johnson, either."
-- Geoff Kleckner]
----
Selections from TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF ELVIS' GHOST:
7. 7-Elevens in netherworld don't carry
Ring-Dings.
6. That pansy Casper.
3. A couple of movies and every nut with a
vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "Ghostbuster."
1. Trying to get Ouija board to spell out
"double order of ribs to go."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE NEW STEALTH
BOMBER:
10. Has 2-inch ball hitch so it can pull the
stealth trailer.
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside
down.
5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like
in Twilight Zone.
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded
boxing glove.
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We
Will Rock You" across a continent.
1. Kids fly free!
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN WAYS CARS WOULD HAVE BEEN
DIFFERENT IF RALPH NADER HAD NEVER BEEN BORN:
10. Dashboard hibachis.
9. Seat belts made of piano wire.
7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look
like old time movie.
1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice
chanting, "Punch it! Punch it!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from THE AYATOLLAH'S TOP TEN REASONS TO
LIVE (5/25/89):
10. Chance to watch Ayatollah, Jr. pitch for
little league team.
8. Ed McMahon told him he might already be a
winner!
7. Just got HBO.
4. Ruthless and insane successor may not be
ruthless and insane enough.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT BUSH'S
65TH BIRTHDAY PARTY (6/13/89):
9. "More malt liquor, Mrs. Bush?"
7. "They could use more hors d'oeuvres on the
far side of the room, Mr. Dukakis."
5. "Just what I wanted, another Batman
T-shirt."
2. "This gift has a special meaning to me, Mr.
Quayle, because you colored it yourself."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE
NEW AYATOLLAH:
10. Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the
beach.
9. Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller
to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo.
7. Loves "The Satanic Verses."
5. Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the
early 50's.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from DAN QUAYLE'S TOP TEN NATIONAL GUARD
DUTIES:
8. Enforce the no-horseplay rule at public
pools.
5. Make cool explosion sounds when platoon
trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside
campsites.
1. The round-the-clock Blob watch.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES (12/19/88):
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon
Jovi."
6. "I have certain needs that can't be
satisfied by working on toys."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're
thinking of those dorks over at Keebler."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 WAYS DAN RATHER COULD
CONCLUDE THE CBS EVENING NEWS:
10. Put finger in mouth, make "cork popping"
sound.
7. Reveal which news story of the evening was
the fake one.
6. Lick lips and say, "MMM-MMM! Time for pie!"
5. Give coded message to L'il Newshounds fan
club.
2. Light big cigar and say, "Ha Ha! See you
tomorrow suckers!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from GORBACHEV'S TOP TEN HAPPIEST
MEMORIES OF AMERICA:
10. Stocking up on toilet paper.
9. Solving Wheel of Fortune puzzle before
contestants.
8. Crashing limo into the Fotomat and claiming
diplomatic immunity.
1. The spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with
Chuck Connors.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 BROADCAST BOOTH COMMENTS
DURING TONIGHT'S BALL GAME:
10. No lead is safe in this park.
9. These teams came to play.
8. He does a lot of things that don't show up
in the box score.
5. Mighty nice of Herve to drop by the booth.
3. I hear Jim Rice killed a drifter the other
day.
1. Answer to tonight's scoreboard stumper:
"$200 was the most Babe Ruth ever paid for a
hooker."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN THINGS THE AMERICANS AND
SOVIETS HAVE IN COMMON:
8. Think the French are weenies.
6. Have to search and search to find David Soul
albums.
5. Still think Claus Von Bulow is probably
guilty.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS REJECTED
BY NBC IN FAVOR OF "Come Home To NBC":
8. Look, there's nothing we can do about Gene
Shalit.
6. We're Beatrice.
5. No more Robert Blake, we promise.
4. The rich meaty taste dogs love.
2. Roger Mudd: You want him, We got him.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from NBC EMPLOYEES TOP TEN FEARS ABOUT
ROBERT C. WRIGHT:
8. Might wear a lot of Old Spice.
7. Will forbid feeding of Willard by tour
groups.
6. His creepy G.E. pals will drop by at all
hours.
2. Will tell endless boring anecdotes about his
6 months at cable outfit.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selection from TOP TEN RUMOURS ABOUT LIBYA SPREAD BY
THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION:
9. They emptied Al Capone's vault before
Geraldo Rivera got there.
8. Albums sold on Libyan TV NOT recorded by
original artists.
6. Don't use real butter on their movie theater
popcorn.
1. Their professional wrestling is fixed.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"They may make Kryptonite peanut butter, but *I*
wouldn't eat it..."
-- Peter David
----
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh --
which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent -- I
listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT."
[Radio ad]
----
"Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of
urine."
-- Newsweek, 31-Jul-89
----
"Oh, there's a big difference, Mrs. DeMarco. The
Mob is run by murdering, thieving, lying, cheating
psychopaths. We work for The President of the
United States of America."
[The best moment from MARRIED TO THE MOB]
----
"This stuff is thicker than country music!"
[From THE NEW ADVENTURES OF MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
Selection from TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GETTING THE
METS OUT OF LAST PLACE:
8. Have Mookie channel anger against parents who
named him against opposing pitcher.
7. Have organist play something besides "I'm A
Loser."
5. Wear spooky mirrored contact lenses to give
opposing team the creeps.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF NEW YORK CITY
COPS:
10. Police band radio too much talk and not enough
rock.
9. Shoulder holster only holds three donuts.
7. Jackie Onassis always kicks out windows in back
of cruiser.
5. Not allowed to sell Amway products on duty.
1. Commissioner too quick to call in Batman.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP TEN PROBLEMS OF MARINES
STATIONED IN MOSCOW:
7. Latest Navy codes now only get you to "second
base".
6. KGB guys always change subject when we bring up
1980 "Miracle on Ice".
5. Came over here to get *away* from Donahue.
2. That bonehead Pyle is always annoying Sgt. Carter.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
Selections from TOP 10 LESSONS OF WOODSTOCK:
10. Not everybody looks good naked.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with
decaffeinated coffee.
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can
probably find room for Sha Na Na.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"How bold one gets when one is sure of being
loved."
-- Sigmund Freud
----
"From the true antagonist, illimitable courage is
transmitted to you."
-- Franz Kafka
----
"God give me strength to face a fact though it slay
me."
-- Thomas H. Huxley
----
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an
education."
-- Wilson Mizner
----
"I occasionally play works by contemporary
composers and for two reasons. First, to
discourage the composer from writing any more and
secondly, to remind myself how much I appreciate
Beethoven."
-- Jascha Heifetz
----
"Be happy. It is a way of being wise."
-- Colette
----
"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go
back in the same box."
-- Italian proverb
----
"The heart has its reasons which reason knows
nothing of."
-- Blaise Pascal
----
"Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling
where we ought to think, and thinking where we
ought to feel."
-- John Churton Collins
----
"Some drugs have appropriately been called `wonder
drugs', inasmuch as one wonders what they will do
next."
-- Samuel E. Stumpf
----
"Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that
you are dreadfully like other people."
-- James Russell Lowell
----
"Education never ends... It is a series of lessons
with the greatest for the last."
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
----
"Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine
villages."
-- Turkish proverb
----
"In making theories, always keep a window open so
that you can throw one out if necessary."
-- Bela Schick
----
"What we desire our children to become, we must
endeavour to be before them."
-- Andrew Combe
----
"I don't know, Les... what
do women want?"
".....Tupperware."
[Johnny Fever gains truth from Les Nesman on WKRP]
----
TOP TEN DEMANDS OF STRIKING TELEPHONE WORKERS:
#3: Authorization to say "Look it up yourself,
you lazy sack of krud."
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Whither thou goest, there thou shalt be."
--- BUCKAROO, PRINCE OF SCIENCE
by William Shakespeare
[From a man I am proud to call... for a loan. Jerry Boyajian]
----
TOP 10 CARTOON SHOWS IN IRAN:
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel
Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"He sez that only comic
books offer the mature
environment he needs as a
literate cartoon
actor..."
"Notice, Opus, that EVERY
woman in these things
looks like Dolly Parton
in zero gravity!"
[BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days]
----
"Once we find her, I'll
smuggle her into the
embassy in a vegetable
cart. From there, I'll
wire her up in the
undercarriage of a
stretch limo and drive
her to the airport at
night. I'll gun it
through the security
gate, toss a few smoke
grenades into the customs
shed, ram the tarmac
barrier, cut Honey loose,
run for the Premier's
personal twin engine
turbojet and make our
escape!"
"Pretty slick. But what
if something goes
wrong?"
"No way. I've done this
kind of thing a thousand
times!"
[Duke plots in DOONESBURY]
----
"Rumors abounded."
"Chairman Mao's *alive*!
He was seen in a
supermarket!"
[DOONESBURY]
----
"This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes
me sick."
-- Calvin
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"Speaking of experiments,
do you know where I'm
living now?"
"By the look of things,
I'd say 'The Family
Circus'."
"Court order. They're
bussing me in."
[BLOOM COUNTY: The Final Days]
----
"What evil bonehead dork is behind this?!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"If it isn't the famous
Bat-Bat!"
"Yes, and if isn't the
famous Cow!"
"I see you've brought the
famous Bug Wonder with
you!"
"And I see you've brought
the famous Merv
Griffin!"
[High-falutin' dialogue from the Bat-Bat episode of MIGHTY MOUSE.]
----
"Nay, if we talk of reason
Let's shut our gates and sleep. Manhood and honor
Should have hare hearts, would they but fat their thoughts
With this cramm'd reason; reason and respect
Make livers pale and lustihood deject."
[Shakespeare (really stands out from the rest of this, doesn't it?)]
----
THE MIT LAW OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT ENVELOPMENT:
"Every program expands until it can read mail."
[Someone on the net...]
----
"Don't they have a rule
about letting fags in the
cafeteria?"
"Well, they seem to have
an open door policy for
assholes."
-- HEATHERS
----
"Slip in his window
Break his neck
Got no reason
What the heck?
Cill my landlord
Cill my landlord"
[The famous old Eddie Murphy SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE sketch..]
----
"In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge
of what your Mom cares about."
-- Hobbes
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"AAAH, YOU'RE A HIPPIE!"
[The Maggie and Hopey reunion, from LOVE & ROCKETS.]
----
"You can't possibly see through my disguise, Billy!
This is a HYPNOTIC tie!!"
[THE TICK explains his amazing secret identity aid.]
----
"Kissing a smoker is like licking Darren McGavin."
[Framed Tough Newsman Sampler in THE TICK.]
----
"God, this is going to
bring Wall Street to its
knees."
"You say that as if it
were a bad thing."
[From the first issue of PREDATOR.]
----
"YOU heard him! 'E called
Jean Paul Sartre a
TOSSER!"
"That was just the lager
talkin'."
[A Bojeffries Saga story in A1]
----
"The price of liberty is eternal videotaping."
[From a Mr. X story in A1]
----
"Won't it be exciting to
see Mr. Reagan back up on
the screen, B.D.?"
"Yeah, I guess... But
it's hard to think of
what roles he could
play. He's a long way
past playing cowboys and
pilots. His image has
changed. When people
think of him now, they
think of an old guy in
pajamas."
"That's it! 'STAR TREK'!"
"There you go."
[DOONESBURY]
----
"Well? Did you glimpse
the afterlife?! What's
in store for all of us?!"
"Bikinis... babes...
full-body massages...
Joe Clark with a bat...
On the whole, a mixed
blessing."
[Theology and after-life experiences in BLOOM COUNTY.]
----
"I wish they'd stick Oliver North in the same jail
cell with `The Godfather of Soul', James Brown.
It has its own peculiar appeal, doesn't it?"
[Opus thinks like I do. From BLOOM COUNTY.]
----
"Andy, I'm going to tell
you something about
myself. Very few people
know it, and frankly, I'd
rather it stayed that
way..."
"I *knew* it! You're
gay!"
"No, I make housecalls."
[From DOONESBURY.]
----
"He said I was a rare
spirit, a man who had put
back in the world tenfold
what he had been given.
He said I had truly made
a difference!"
"Wake up, dear. You're a
lawyer."
[If there is anything funnier and warmer than DOONESBURY, I'd like to know
what it is.]
----
"It's your choice, Whyte. You can either die like
an animal. Or you can die like an animal."
[Another pithy remark from SKREEMER.]
----
"Abandon All Dope, Ye Who Enter Here."
[A quick Phil Foglio gag from XXXENOPHOBIA.]
----
"I've been working on the
assumption that Jenny's
Earth is an imperfect
replica of our own."
"I believe that."
[That human delight in comix form: ZOT!]
----
Little Bruce Wayne's bib:
"My parents got murdered and all I got was this
lousy T-Shirt"
[Paraphrased from a visual joke in Mark Martin's GNATRAT: THE MOVIE.]
----
"But if this is some Ninja
trick, I will feast on
your steaming entrails!"
"Oooo. *Nice* image.
You must save on your
grocery bill."
[It's... Paul the Samurai! From THE TICK.]
----
"Persistent, aren't they?
The Nazis were
persistent, too."
"Yeah? And how did you
beat the Nazis?"
"Well, actually, through
Divine Intervention."
[A man believing himself to be Indiana Jones, riding through San Francisco on
horseback, chased by vampires with net personality names. From WOLVERINE.]
----
"Oh, Flaming Carrot! Some of the Trekkies have
been arguing with the Dr. Who people!"
[FLAMING CARROT, the hero of the day!]
----
"It's Earth's first
contact with these
aliens... and all Flaming
Carrot can come up with
is to annihilate,
incinerate and destroy
them?!!"
"Hey... I'm no Jack
Kennedy!"
[Well, who else? FLAMING CARROT! (Not Dan Quayle...)]
----
"Only the image ever changes. These vessels are
fragile, translucent, and weak."
[Assante's final words from the Church arc in GRENDEL.]
----
"It was that night that I decided they were fools.
And that which is foolish quickly becomes
dangerous."
[Assante, the tortured leader and Grendel host, from GRENDEL]
----
"You'll never stop the
fever."
"STOP it?! Holy Warrior,
I am its very case
study!"
[A vampire addresses the latest incarnation of GRENDEL]
----
"We have a crisis of our
own here. All the
knights were sent on a
stupid miserable quest by
a king who..."
"MERLIN! WHERE IS MY
DAMNED NECROMANCER...?"
"...you are about to
meet."
[Those little Arthurian quibbles, from SWAMP THING]
----
"Inspiration. Berkeley had it. Found a Master,
got a degree, and rose from the dead -- all in the
same year."
[An several thousand year-old Berkeley grad & vampire -- from GRENDEL]
----
"The getting of wisdom is never a pretty sight."
[From THE WONDER YEARS]
----
Selections from BATMAN'S TOP 10 PEEVES:
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having
to convince everybody he's NOT a professional
wrestler.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's
getting gas for the Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered
him sterile.
6. Really stupid people who shout out, "Hey! Where's
Tonto?"
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a
piece of cardboard can summon him at night.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Oh, my sainted aunt, have I become a victim of
brain fever, the curse of academia?"
[The Scarecrow laments the departure of THE SANDMAN.]
----
"A society of sheep must in time beget a government
of wolves."
-- Bertrand de Jouvenel
----
"You a queer?"
"I'm gay, yes."
"You a lefty?"
"Yes."
"Do you believe in
justice?"
"I don't believe it's a
natural law, like
gravity. I think you
have to fight for it."
"Fair enough."
[Some understanding from two very different characters in HELLBLAZER.]
----
"When it comes to my health, I think of my body as
a temple... or at least a moderately well-managed
Presbyterian youth center."
-- Emo Phillips
----
MORTON DOWNEY JR. and GERALDO:
One down, one to go.
[Moi]
----
"I can come in like Ozzie, or I can come in like
Harriet, but I can't come in like Ozzie *and*
Harriet."
[From SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS]
----
"You meet the damnedest people in Hell"
-- Roger Zelazny
----
"Well, a satirical piece in the Times is one thing,
but bricks and baseball bats really gets right to
the point of it."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Philip Agee, former CIA agent turned intelligence
community watchdog and whistle-blower, spoke in
April at Reed College in Portland. He quoted
Manuel Noriega: `I've got George Bush by the
balls,' and noted that the quote was `one of those
rare statements that contains *two* revelations.'"
-- Jan Steinman
----
"The limits of my language mean the limits of my
world."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
----
"Love... is the extremely difficult realization
that something other than oneself is real."
-- Iris Murdoch
----
"The greatest good you can do for another is not
just to share your riches but to reveal to him his
own."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
----
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to
see every problem as a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
----
"I'd rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry,
they can wear cute clothes, and they're first to
be rescued off sinking ships."
-- Gilda Radner
----
"Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch
of a hand on a hand, or a mouth on a mouth."
-- Tennessee Williams
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"DEEP COVER (Prism). Tom Conte, Denholm
Elliot and Donald Pleasance excel in this
story of retribution and betrayal among the
British upper classes. The plot is heady
and demanding, but there's lots of nudity,
so dumb people won't get bored."
----
"I don't need a warrant, you yahoo."
-- Frank McPike, O.C.B.
----
BEST LINES FROM STAR TREK V:
"Surprise, those aren't Dillithium crystals -
they're Folgers crystals!"
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"I've already died once... it was liberating."
[BATMAN]
----
"Honey, you'll never believe what happened to me
today..."
[BATMAN]
----
"And what's with that
stupid grin?"
"Life's been good to me."
[BATMAN]
----
"I think movies about Jesus are boring no matter
who he sleeps with."
-- Teller, of Penn & Teller
----
IF ELVIS HAD LIVED, #17:
"Thank you ma'am . . . I'm Batman. Please
accept the keys to this fine Cadillac
limousine."
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
"Over LAND, over SEA... We
will fight for
DOE-RE-MI... For we're
BLACK AND BLUE HAWKS..."
"Sweet Adaline, My
Adaline..."
"HEY! Who's singing the
wrong song over the
intercom?"
[From the BLACKHAWKS satire in the original MAD magazine.]
----
"...'course, simple folk like us don't know much
'bout politics either, but 'pears to me that if
the currency values in the world monetary fund
were deflated to meet spiraling revenues, economic
collapse could be averted for the furshlugginer
fiscal year..."
-- Little Orphan Melvin
----
"Uh-oh! He's a-puttin' on his guns.. a-puttin' on
his hat... an' a-puttin' on his Old Spice cologne
with the he-man aroma!"
[From the HIGH NOON take-off in the original MAD Magazine]
----
"Yeah! We drop everything for a great ol' bloody
battle! Oh drat the day I started working for
comic books!"
[From the G.I. JOE take-off in the original MAD Magazine]
----
"Your son at five is your master, at ten your
slave, at fifteen your double, and after that,
your friend or your foe, depending on his bringing
up."
-- Hasdai Ibn Shaprut
----
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is
now -- always."
-- Albert Schweitzer
----
"If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you
have a chance of being a prophet."
-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
----
"Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing
back images."
-- Jean Cocteau
----
"Trouble is like a sieve through which we sift our
acquaintances. Those too big to pass through are
our friends."
-- Arlene Francis
----
"Welcome each rebuff that turns earth rough,
Each sting that bids not sit nor stand but go!"
-- Robert Browning
----
"Marriage is part of a sort of '50s revival package
that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked
ambition."
-- Calvin Trillin
----
"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
-- Cesare Pavese
----
"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes
others feel as you might when a drowning man holds
on to you. You want to save him, but you know he
will strangle you with his panic."
-- Anais Nin
----
"Russ [Meyer] is a man who believes in 'spirited,
horizontal togetherness.' He tends to smile a
lot. Can you blame him?"
-- Prof. Fred Hopkins
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"MADAME SOUSTZKA (MCA). I saw Shirley
MacLaine at a convention, and she still has
million dollar legs. However, as a general
rule, I don't attend movies about
'flamboyant piano teachers'."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"I'M GONNA GET YOU SUCKA! (MGM). Keenan
Ivory Wayan's jocular send-up of black
exploitation films is a machine gun round of
wonderfully crude and offensive B-movie
in-jokes. Gary Owens hosts a 'Pimp of the
Year' contest and an irritated Jim Brown
asks Isaac Hayes: `You're not gonna sing,
are you?'"
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"SWIMWEAR ILLUSTRATED -- ON LOCATION
(Vestron). No. Trust me. You're not this
desperate."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"CRIME ZONE (MGM). A cut-rate Tom Cruise and
a pouty blonde with a Melanie Griffith
haircut become laser-gun Bonnie-and-Clydes
in order to escape their futuristic
totalitarian society. Roger Corman's
microware version of 1984 (shot on the cheap
in Peru) is charming, in a 99-cent Quarter
Pounder kind of way."
----
"Looks like Star Trek V is going stir up memories
of what we used to watch the original Star Trek
for back in the '60s . . . sight gags, slapstick,
and wacky stunts!"
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
"Boy, that William Shatner sure can direct, can't
he?"
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
"I know this starship like
the back of my
hand...<KLONK>...*THUD*"
"AIEEEE!!! AIEEEEEE!!
THIS IS THE FACE OF
HELLLLLLLLL!!"
-- Lazlo Nibble
----
"But she could not prevent other people from
suffering for her principles. That seems to be
what principles are for, somehow..."
-- Peter Death Bredon Wimsey
----
"Gimme a Cold Filtered Big
Joe Coors Dark Dry Lite
Extra-Hearty Draft Lager
With The Imported
Austrailian Taste In The
Barrel-Shaped Twist-Off
Bottle and a mango,
please. Oh, and one of
those specially-emblemed,
frosted 24-ounce
glasses."
"We're outta 'em."
"Oh. Gimme a can of Bud
Lite, then."
-- Ron D. Harvey
----
"It's hard to be the Diva..."
[From STARMITES]
----
"I must say, Jack, death definitely suits you.
Losing your soul was a most aesthetic touch."
[Decko discussing 9-Jack-9's recent demise with him, in ZOT!]
----
"Disturbing news about the afterlife: 'Bring
marshmallows'"
-- Mister Boffo
----
"Seventeen arrests, seventeen convictions.... maybe
it is me."
-- Mister Boffo
----
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could cut through all
this red tape and just beat it out of you?"
-- IRS auditor in Mister Boffo
----
"We're in big trouble!"
"Think positive,
Helpermier!"
"*You're* in big trouble."
-- Mister Boffo
----
"Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a
planet far beyond our solar system to devour us.
Gaze and tremble, mortals. None can escape the
wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom."
-- Cowboy Wally
----
"For a dormant personality, he's got a remarkably
active social life."
[Comment about THE BADGER]
----
"Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a
totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man
can save the day!...Aha! Just as I suspected! My
evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!"
-- Calvin and Hobbes
----
"Kendall couldn't have looked guiltier if he'd
confessed at the end of a Perry Mason episode."
-- Weng Chan
----
"This country may no longer be capable of
manufacturing anything more technologically
sophisticated than breakfast cereal, but by God
when it comes to advertising, we are still -- and
I mean this sincerely -- No. 1."
-- Dave Barry
----
"We males cannot really know the misery of female
birth control, just as we cannot know the pain of
childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my
knees and give thanks at every opportunity)."
-- Dave Barry
----
"Imagine if, say, Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-Planet
Klingon) got up on the podium, and the band broke
into 'My Baby Does the Hanky Panky.' Wouldn't
that be great? Or, to introduce the vice
presidential nominee, they could play 'Take This
Job and Shove It.'"
-- Dave Barry
----
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle
them with bullets...."
-- Living Steel
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1988 IN REVIEW -- April 24th
"California is gripped by panic because of a
video about the uncannily accurate
prophecies of the 16-Century soothsayer
Nostradamus, who predicted that in May of
1988, the West Coast would be rocked by 'an
outbreak of cretinism.'"
----
"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making
computers that behave like the ones in movies"
-- Bill Bulko
----
"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given
determination, exercise, and deep psychological
trauma."
-- Chris Jarocha-Ernst
----
Knicks Asst. Coach Ralph Willard on how to stop
Michael Jordon:
"I am just going to tell them to get some
kryptonite."
----
"Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic
bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s,
meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was
difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have
people all across the country know about it."
-- Mark Leeper
----
"The public seems incapable of distinguishing
between your garden variety idiot and your genuine
lunatic. It is the same confusion the public has
had over the last five Presidents."
-- Mark Leeper
----
"The original Star Trek crew is getting a little
old. Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million
light years with the left turn signal on."
-- Jay Leno
----
"This book should not be set lightly aside, but
hurled, with great force"
-- Dorothy Parker
----
"The best thing is to look natural, but it takes
makeup to look natural."
-- Calvin Klein
----
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to
others that in the end we become disguised to
ourselves."
-- La Rochefoucauld
----
"Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been
difficult at times because they had nobody to talk
about."
-- Agnes Repplier
----
"All seems infected that th' infected spy,
As all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye."
-- Alexander Pope
----
"Human nature is so constructed that it gives
affection most readily to those who seem least to
demand it."
-- Bertrand Russell
----
"Dying ought to be done in black and white. It is
simply not a colorful activity."
-- Russell Baker
----
"I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a
difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A
cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to
deal with them."
-- Beverly Sills
----
"Suffering is not good for the soul, unless it
teaches you to stop suffering."
-- Jane Roberts
----
"In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow
you to get some entertainment out of it."
-- Daniel Waters, screenwriter of
HEATHERS
----
"I can't believe that Henry Kissinger actually said
`Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.' I loved
Edie's comment: `The bombing of Vietnam shows what
it takes for him to get it up!'"
-- Jane Wagner
----
"A sobering thought, Eileen: What if, right at this
very moment I *am* living up to my full
potential?"
-- Jane Wagner
----
"To me, the term 'sexual freedom' meant freedom
from having to have sex."
-- Jane Wagner
----
"I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the
Noble sperm bank. Something bothers me about the
world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading
pornography and jerking off."
-- Jane Wagner
----
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain."
-- Jane Wagner
----
"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a
mediocre world."
-- Lily Tomlin
----
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No
matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to
them."
-- Steve Martin
----
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Steve Martin
----
"I believe in going to church every Sunday ...
unless there's a game on."
-- Steve Martin
----
"I believe in 8 of the 10 commandments"
-- Steve Martin
----
"I believe in the family. Mom and Dad and Grandma
and Uncle Tod who waves his penis."
-- Steve Martin
----
Delta Airlines: Enjoy the in-flight movie in the
plane next to you.
[Late-Night with David Letterman]
----
Selections from TOP 10 VOTING TIPS:
7. We want someone who's going to stand up to
Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and yell
"Hey! Who used up all the hot water?"
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame
you if you stayed home and watched
"HARDBODIES" on cable again.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore.
Who'd know?
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
TOP TEN NEW YORK CITY PEDESTRIAN TIPS
10. The city does not employ so called 'Wallet
Inspectors'.
9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have
fingernails.
8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your
time and theirs.
7. Jon Gotti always has the right of way.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by
keeping dental records on you.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone
else's chalk body outline.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted
to pick up passengers.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you
can keep it.
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably
isn't.
-- Late Night with David Letterman
----
"Attention people of New York City... Attention
citizens of New York City... My name is Robert C.
Wright. I am the president of NBC. The most
powerful television network in the world. I'm not
wearing pants. I am not wearing pants. You people
go home. The Christmas tree is not up yet. Go
back to Long Island. We don't want you here."
-- David Letterman
----
GEORGE BUSH'S TOP 10 DISAPPOINTMENTS ABOUT DAN QUAYLE
10. Insists on calling Senators "dudes".
9. Uses motorcade to cruise chicks.
8. Oval Office is not the same since he put up
Van Halen posters.
7. Keeps asking for five bucks till pay day.
6. Plays hacky sack right beside the "button".
5. Orders pizzas.
4. Keeps referring to Barbara as "Helen Hayes"
3. Gets his father to call in sick for him.
2. Invites National Guard buddies over to see
non-violent movies.
1. Mrs. Quayle
-- David Letterman
----
"As a boy he dreamed of being a ship's captain, but
gave it up when someone explained to him what
sharks were ..."
-- Woody Allen
----
"A thousand years passed since
Agamemnon said, `Don't open
The gates, who the hell needs
A wooden horse that size?'
-- Woody Allen
----
"And for God's sake don't invest money in any
brokerage firm in which one of the partners is
named 'Frenchy'."
-- Woody Allen
----
"My Lord, my Lord! What hast thou done, lately?"
-- Woody Allen
----
"Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord,
`Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory.
Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it.'"
-- Woody Allen
----
"The ballet opens at a carnival. There are
refreshments and rides. Many people in gaily
colored costumes dance and laugh, to the
accompaniment of flutes and woodwinds, while the
trombones play in a minor key to suggest that soon
the refreshments will run out and everybody will
be dead."
-- Woody Allen
----
"What is it about death that bothers me so?
Probably the hours."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Sure I stole. Why not? When I grew up, you had to
steal to eat. Then you had to steal to tip."
-- Woody Allen
----
"When I mentioned that it seemed to me that the
Reverend's followers were being systematically
turned into mindless zombies by a fraudulent
megalomaniac, it was taken as criticism."
-- Woody Allen
----
"I never forgot the incident and years later, when
the Luftwaffe was bombing London, I shone a light
on the critic's house."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Never before has pornography been this rampant.
And those films are lit so badly!"
-- Woody Allen
----
"Even the works of the great Shakespeare will
disappear when the universe burns out -- not such
a terrible thought, of course, when it comes to a
play like "Titus Andronicus", but what about the
others?"
-- Woody Allen
----
"God is silent," he was fond of saying, "now if we
can only get Man to shut up."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Finally, yet another book on the Holocaust. This
one with cutouts."
-- Woody Allen
----
"The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's
mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought,
particularly if you've just made a down payment on
a house."
-- Woody Allen
----
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a
crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let
us pray that we have the wisdom to choose
correctly."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Eternal nothingness is OK, if you're dressed for
it."
-- Woody Allen
----
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not
only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
-- Woody Allen
----
"I think you should defend to the death their right
to march, and then go down and meet them with
baseball bats."
-- Woody Allen, on the KKK
----
"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but
the calf won't get much sleep."
-- Woody Allen
----
"I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and
then bragging about it afterward in seedy
space-rangers bars, like some cops I could
mention! I go around shooting people gratuitously
and then I agonize about it afterwards for hours
to my girlfriend!"
-- Douglas Adams
----
"In those days spirits were brave, the stakes
were high, men were real men, women were real
women, and small furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri were real small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri."
-- Douglas Adams
----
"Honesty always gives you the benefit of surprise
in the House of Commons."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Doesn't the futility of
it all depress you,
Bernard?"
"Not really, Minister.
I'm a civil servant."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Very well. If you walked
into a nuclear-missile
showroom you would buy
Trident! It's lovely,
it's elegant, it's
beautiful! It is quite
simply the best, and
Britain should have the
best. In the world of the
nuclear missile it is the
Saville Row suit. The
Rolls Royce Corniche. The
Chateau Lafitte 1945. It
is the nuclear missile
Harrod's would sell. What
more can I say?"
"Only that it costs 15
billion pounds and we
don't need it."
"Well, you can say that
about anything at
Harrod's!"
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Humphrey, who is it that
has the last word about
the government of
Britain? The British
cabinet or the American
president?"
"You know, that's a
fascinating question. We
often discuss it."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Well, he's very keen on
it."
"What's that got to do
with it?! Things don't
happen just because
Prime Ministers are very
keen on them! Neville
Chamberlain was very
keen on peace!"
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Bernard, this doesn't say
anything."
"Oh, thank you, Prime
Minister."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"I want to have a clear
conscience."
"A clear conscience!"
"Yes."
"When did you acquire
this taste for
luxuries?"
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Yes, we will want simultaneous translators ... No,
not when the P.M. meets the leaders of the
English-speaking nations ... Yes, the
English-speaking nations can be said to include
the United States."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"Responsibility without power -- the prerogative of
the eunuch throughout the ages."
-- Yes, Prime Minister
----
"He can't ignore facts."
"If he can't ignore
facts, he's got no
business being a
politician."
-- Yes, Minister
----
"It's not my job to care.
That's what politicians
are for. It's my job to
carry out government
policy."
"Even if you think it's
wrong?"
"Almost all government
policy is wrong, but
frightfully well carried
out."
-- Yes, Minister
----
"I am going to do
something about the
number of women in the
Civil Service."
"Surely there aren't all
that many?"
-- Yes, Minister
----
"You're paid to advise me.
Advise me!"
"All in all, this is not
unlike trying to advise
the Captain of the
Titanic after he has
struck the iceberg."
"Come on, there must be
something we can do."
"We could sing, 'Abide
with Me'."
-- Yes, Minister
----
"I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail
on it and call it a weasel."
-- Blackadder III
----
"They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor
they are forced to have children simply to provide
a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two
giant stalking things."
-- Blackadder III
----
"They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more
than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as
you will soon discover when I stick this toasting
fork in your head."
-- Blackadder III
----
"She is famous for having the worst personality in
Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against
some pretty stiff competition."
-- Blackadder III
----
"I found the Loch Ness monster and discovered the
reason it so seldom emerges is that it has cable."
-- Steven Wright
----
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a
de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let
them fight it out."
-- Steven Wright
----
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they
asked if I had any firearms with me. I said,
'Well, what do you need?'"
-- Steven Wright
----
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture
of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other
is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up
a child."
-- Steven Wright
----
"I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast
anytime.' So I ordered French toast during the
renaissance."
-- Steven Wright
----
"Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like
going to a concert -- she yells a lot and throws
Frisbees around the room. When she wants more, she
lights a match."
-- Steven Wright
----
"I dislike beings who claim to be omniscient but
have to be told how to go to the bathroom."
[WHAT TH'?!!! #1]
----
Dan Quayle, addressing a council of the United
Negro College Fund:
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not
to have a mind is being very wasteful. How
true that is."
----
New slogan for Exxon:
"Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident."
-- David Letterman
----
"Croquet: So much fun it takes eight people to have
it!!"
-- Pooh
----
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE PANAMANIAN ELECTIONS:
10. "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the drug
traffic."
9. "A puppet government? The kids should
enjoy that."
8. "We better just forget about our extensive
plans to fix the election boys -- Jimmy Carter
is here!"
7. "Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?"
6. "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the
ballot?"
5. "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to
project a winner."
4. "The guy who played Ringo looked just like him."
(Sorry, that was heard at the Beatlemania
concert, not the Panamanian election.)
3. "Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but
we're having really big ELECTIONS down here."
2. "Congratulations! You chose Pepsi."
1. "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!"
-- David Letterman
----
"But there's nothing like Death off duty to cushion
a fall."
-- The Storyteller
----
"Don't worry... I said *if* there was any justice.
I doubt that there is."
[Frank McPike on WISEGUY]
----
"A copyright infringement suit is a way create
confusion in a marketplace until your enginering
staff can get's its act together."
-- Guy Kawasaki, _The Macintosh Way_
----
"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is."
-- Noel Coward, "Private Lives"
----
"Well, I don't think they're Presbyterians."
[THE MUPPET MOVIE]
----
"...for criminal conspiracy, copyright
infringements, fraud, tax evasion, and a generally
annoying attitude."
[Frank on WISEGUY]
----
"Heh heh heh... you're a
funny little man, aren't
you?"
"Heh heh heh... not as
long as I have your yams
in my pocket, I'm not."
[McPike and Twine, at it again, on WISEGUY]
----
"Irony is the stem of the rose."
[Who but Tim Curry could say this? WISEGUY]
----
"I'm not a sycophant, Winston; I am a Sicillian;
and we view alliances with a fatalistic eye."
[Vinnie tells of Newquay in WISEGUY]
----
"It's a basic tenet of democracy -- innocent until
proven guilty. Not that we should let that stand
in the way of a good time."
[Frank McPike in WISEGUY]
----
"They're not booing. They're just chanting `Dave!
Dave!'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be
poor, only to dress like it!"
[ZORRO, THE GAY BLADE]
----
"I was picked up by a ship
of pirates where they did
unspeakable things to
me."
"That must have been
awful."
"Well, not really."
[TOP SECRET]
----
"But these amps go to 11."
[THIS IS SPINAL TAP]
----
"There are 2 basic truths, never fight a land war
in Asia and never go against a Sicilian if death
is on the line."
[THE PRINCESS BRIDE]
----
"Mighty Mouse versus Superman? That's a tough
one."
-- STAND BY ME
----
"But in accordance with our traditional principles
of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm
going to ask the two of you to fight to the death
for it."
[MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS]
----
"Great, the blood-sucking Brady Bunch."
[THE LOST BOYS]
----
"Let's kick his ass."
"No, we're seniors now."
[HEATHERS]
----
"Betty, if you were happy all the time, you
wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game show
host."
[HEATHERS]
----
"Flash: President Eisenhower really cartoon
character Elmer Fudd."
[Robin Williams in GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM]
----
"I make it a rule never to mess around with
possessed women. Well, actually it's a guideline."
[GHOSTBUSTERS]
----
"Next time someone asks you if you're a god, SAY
YES!!"
[GHOSTBUSTERS]
----
"All this for money?
You're just a common
thief."
"I am an *exceptional*
thief."
[DIE HARD]
----
"What in th' wide, Wide World of Sports is goin' on
here?"
-- Slim Pickens, BLAZING SADDLES
----
"But, Batman, why didn't
you just throw the bomb
into the bar with those
filthy drunks?"
"They may be drinkers,
Robin, but they're human
beings, too."
[The 196* version of BATMAN THE MOVIE]
----
"It's on me. Shakespeare for everybody!"
-- Rodney Dangerfield,
BACK TO SCHOOL
----
"My advice to you is that you start drinking
heavily."
[Bluto in ANIMAL HOUSE]
----
"If not us, who. If not now, when."
-- Ronald Reagan in ALIEN NATION
----
"Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know
where that finger's been!"
-- Capt. Rex Cramer
[AIRPLANE]
----
"You've come to Nottingham
once too often."
"When this is over my
friend, there'll be no
need for me to come
again."
[THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD]
----
"Cogito ergo esse. I think therefore you is."
-- The King of the Moon
----
"This is precisely the sort of thing that no one
ever believes."
-- Baron Munchausen
----
"Heh heh, yeah. I remember *my* first beer."
-- Steve Martin
----
"Detroit Free Press" fashion columnist on BATMAN:
"He avenges the innocent, upholds
justice, and makes a unique fashion
statement."
----
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise
is selling something."
-- THE PRINCESS BRIDE
----
"Is this heaven?"
"No... it's Iowa."
[From FIELD OF DREAMS]
----
"Anxiety and conscience are a powerful pair of
dynamos. Between them, they have ensured that one
shall work hard, but they cannot ensure that one
will work at anything worthwhile."
-- Arnold Toynbee
----
"It is overdoing the thing to die of love."
-- French proverb
----
Jeff Meyer
comes."
-- Maimonides
----
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the
university stifles writers. My opinion is that
they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a
bestseller that could have been prevented by a
good teacher."
-- Flannery O'Connor
----
"The longest distance is between head and heart."
-- Thomas Merton
----
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend
to be witty."
-- Sacha Guitry
----
"We grow tyrannical fighting tyranny."
-- E.B. White
----
"Quiet, Ringo, Elvis is talking."
[From a sketch on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"The first time I saw the infamous `Morton Downey
Junior' show I was innocently flipping through the
channels and came across this man looming over a
woman in a chair, point a cigarette in her face,
and screaming, `You're a WHORE! You're a
PROSTITUTE!' Wondering what this poor woman had
done to unleash such metaphorical fury, I kept
watching and it turned out she really was a
prostitute. That was the whole story. They'd
found a prostitute to put on TV in order to
denounce her as a prostitute. Something to tell
the grandchildren."
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
----
"You kids shouldn't see
this, though -- your
parents would think it's
too adult for you. So
I'll leave this copy here
with you when I split to
go start a war or
something, okay?"
"Yer a pal, Mr. Post."
[Ron Post, mass murder and guitar player, talks about censorship, in one of
Matt Howarth's many independently-financed comix]
----
"Filthy bag of Lovecraftian poison -- nobody fucks
with Monsieur Boche!"
[Monsieur Boche, a Hunter S. Thompson clone with brains, balls and the
ability to traverse dimensions, in a Matt Howarth comic]
----
"The discovery of God in a hole in the polar ice
cap by a pair of punk rockers does not disturb
your governments' conscience in the least."
[Another wonderful Howarth line]
----
"I submit for your approval: Monsieur Boche -- A
man with a reputation."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
----
WRAB Programming:
"THE CHURCH OF GODZILLA (1/2 hr -- religion)
Instruction in the eager belief of getting
one's way all the time. John Madden as
Godzilla. (Emph: narrow-mindedness)."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
----
WRAB Programming:
"KEY GRIP (1 hr -- Drama) Part three of Patrick
McGoohan's `John Drake' Trilogy. Series
security prohibits any information release
prior to broadcast. (Emph: the struggle for
individualism)."
[From Matt Howarth's WRAB: PIRATE TELEVISION, which you should buy immediately]
----
"Nobody likes a smart ass
vampire."
"Pity there's never
enough blood in a
midget."
[Bon mots from Dracula, in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"`If you want to touch something *basic* in your
audience,' says the full-page ad in the 1988
edition of the DIRECTORY OF EXPERTS, AUTHORITIES
AND SPOKESPERSONS (also known as the `Talk Show
Guest Directory'), `...move them to *action*:
phone, write, praise, damn, cheer, etc..... Then
you need to present -- REAL LIVE COMMUNISTS ON
YOUR SHOW!'"
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
----
"`Never turn down a chance to have sex or go on
television,' Gore Vidal is supposed to have said.
At the rate things are going, people will soon be
advertising to do both at the same time."
-- TRB in THE NEW REPUBLIC
----
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their
lives."
-- Sue Murphy
----
"I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played
for SEVEN hours. Great song."
-- Fred Reuss
----
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to
my suede jacket. `You know a cow was murdered for
that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
-- Jake Johansen
----
"I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their
minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out
and yell `Whooa, I'm way too high.'"
-- Bruce Baum
----
"How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the
deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back
while you're waiting for a tow truck."
-- Steve Kravitz
----
"This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My
mom says I don't have to sit at the card table."
-- Jim Samuels
----
"Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph
are also timed for 70 mph."
-- Jim Samuels
----
"In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the
highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be
Alive Meals.'"
-- Al Clethen
----
"If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?"
-- Jeremy Brett, on playing
Sherlock Holmes
----
"I'd get out of here now
if I were you. It's not
safe here."
"Trust me - it's not safe
out there either."
"Oh hell, I forgot that."
[From the TV series WAR OF THE WORLDS]
----
"Are you SURE that
Moriarty isn't planning
to kill me?"
"Of course not... he
*knows* you're an
idiot."
"Thank God!"
["Holmes" and Watson discuss Yours Truly in WITHOUT A CLUE]
----
"I do not take drugs. I am drugs."
-- Salvador Dali
----
From DOUBLE DARE:
"What is the name of the
hero Billy Batson
transforms into when he
says his magic word,
'Shazam'?"
"Gomer Pyle."
----
"Imitation is the sincerest form of Television."
-- Mighty Mouse
----
"I don't know that atheists should be considered as
citizens, nor should they be considered patriots.
This is one nation under God."
-- George Bush, 1988
----
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Show me a hero and I will write you a travesty."
-- John Byrne [well, he *should* have]
"Show me a hero and I'll eat it."
-- Peter David
----
"Dear Emily --- BINGO!!"
[From STRAY TOASTERS]
----
"Guess what I'm in for."
"Uhh..."
"Wait! I'll give you a
hint..."
[From HEARTBREAK COMICS]
----
"Justice and solidarity feel good. In the end."
[A comment on the price of liberty. From AARGH!]
----
"I happen to be a baseball fan; I root against both
teams."
-- Studs Terkel
----
"If people behaved in the way nations do they would
all be put in straitjackets."
-- Tennessee Williams
----
"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and
the old man who will not laugh is a fool."
-- George Santayana
----
"Don't fight forces; use them."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
----
"Could ye use a little
water in your whiskey?"
"When ay drink whiskey,
ay drink whiskey, an'
when ay drink water, ay
drink water."
[Maureen O'Sullivan and Barry Fitzgerald in THE QUIET MAN, begorra.]
----
[A photo is displayed of Senator Dan Quayle
holding a pumpkin to the left of his head.]
"Here's an Update Quiz: what's the difference
between these two spherical objects? The
answer is: eventually, the one on the left will
have a light in it."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"PROMISED LAND (Vestron). Kiefer Sutherland,
Meg Ryan, and Tracy Pollan. And they all
look alike. And they're all made of
ticky-tacky."
----
MONDO VIDEO with Prof. Fred Hopkins:
"STARRING TOM AND JERRY! (MGM/UA). The
cartoon adventures of a hyper-active cat and
an anally retentive mouse. For some reason,
Simon and Garfunkle originally recorded
under this name!"
----
"Oh, what's the sound of the world out there?..."
"What, Mr. Todd, what, Mr. Todd, What is that
sound?"
"Those crunching noises Pervading the air!"
"Yes, Mr. Todd, yes, Mr. Todd, yes, all around!"
"It's man devouring man, my dear,"
"...and who are we to deny it IN HERE?!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
----
"The history of the world, my love..."
"Save a lot of graves, do a lot of relatives
favors..."
"Is those below serving those up above!"
"Everybody shaves so there should plenty of
flavors!"
"How gratifying for once to know,"
"That those above will serve those DOWN BELOW!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
----
"The history of the world, my sweet..."
"Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd, what does it tell?"
"...is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!"
"And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd, who gets to sell!"
"But fortunately it's all so clear,"
"THAT EVERYBODY GOES DOWN WELL WITH BEER!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, SWEENY TODD
----
"It's not enough knowing good from rotten..."
"You're telling me."
"When something new pops up every day."
"You're telling me!"
"It's only new, though, for now..."
"Nouveau!"
"But yesterday's forgotten..."
"...and tomorrow is already passe!"
"There's no surprise."
"That is the state of the art, my friend!
That is the state of the art!"
-- Stephen Sondheim,
SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE
----
"Ladies and gentlemen, the question you have to ask
yourselves on November 8th is whose judgement do
you trust? Do you trust the judgement of a man
who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that
money to fund an illegal war in Central America,
or do you trust a son of Greek immigrants, who can
think and talk in complete sentences?"
[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
"You know, I'm beginning to think that the Right To
Life movement in this country believes that life
officially begins when you agree with *them*."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"The NBC Today Show and Olympic host Bryan Gumbel's
ego applied for statehood today. If granted, it
would become our 51st state, and 9th largest."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"And the fifth-highest grossing film in America
this week is YOUNG GUNS, the new film where
everybody in it is Martin Sheen's son, but nobody
has the same last name."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"Gov. Dukakis, rebuttal?"
"I can't believe I'm
losing to this guy."
[From the Bush-Dukakis debate satire on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE]
----
NATIONAL ENQUIRER headline:
"Reagan sees UFO and orders his pilot: Follow it!"
----
"None of this is bad for America, is it?"
[COCOON]
----
"Sorry, I don't perform except at dinner."
-- Stephen Sondheim, MERRILY WE
ROLL ALONG
----
"I like trees because they seem more resigned to
the way they have to live than other things do."
-- Willa Cather
----
"All human wisdom is summed up in two words -- wait
and hope."
-- Alexandre Dumas the Elder
----
"No human being can really understand another, and
no one can arrange another's happiness."
-- Graham Greene
----
"Bowling?"
"You know. Thats where a
big black thing knocks
down a lot of little
white things."
"That sounds like the
A-Team to me."
[Keith "Badger" Vallenti found this on a channel flip, from Don Adam's CHECK
IT OUT]
----
"George Bush, you have
just been elected
president of the United
States. What are you
going to do now?"
"I'm going to go to
Disneyland!"
[A parody of the Disneyland ads, off of rec.arts.tv]
----
"A brave man dies only once, while a coward dies
only once also. It's just that the brave man gets
it over with more quickly."
-- C. E. Whitfield
----
"I recall my exact words: `There's a pile of
dinosaur eggs over there, youngster,' I said,
smiling paternally the while. `Get sucking.'"
[Alan Moore, V FOR VENDETTA]
----
"That's what this country needs -- just a little
more light cast in the right places."
[From OUTLANDER]
----
"Just what the country needs -- more insurgent
teams."
[From OUTLANDER]
----
"I shall rend you LIMB
from LIMB!"
"Hey -- could someone
give me a hand here? I'm
about to be rended..."
[The usual JLI nonsense]
----
"You're zooming up like a comet,
Your ears are starting to ring;
Your neighbor's starting to vomit,
There's ice along the wing.
As you wait for your palms to dry,
You see your whole life flash by,
And they tell you it's fun to fly!
Your chance to survive is so remote
You're far better off to cut your throat,
But who has the time to take the boat?
What do we do? We fly!
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
----
"The shiny stuff is tomatoes,
The salad lies in a group;
The curly stuff is potatoes,
The stuff that moves is soup.
Anything that is white is sweet,
Anything that is brown is meat,
Anything that is grey... don't eat.
But what do we do? We fly!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
----
"The seat was throwing my back out,
But there I was with a book;
When suddenly there's a black-out
And everywhere I look
There's a close-up of DORIS DAY!
Ninety minutes of DORIS DAY!
There was nothing to do but pray...
And what do we do? We fly!"
-- Stephen Sondheim, DO I HEAR A WALTZ?
----
"What's hard is simple,
What's natural, comes hard.
Maybe you could show me,
How to let go,
Lower my guard,
Learn to be....free.
Maybe if you whistle...
Whistle for me."
-- Stephen Sondheim, ANYONE CAN WHISTLE
----
"It's not so hard to be married,
When two maneuver as one;
It's not so hard to be married,
And, Jesus Christ, is it fun."
-- Stephen Sondheim, COMPANY
----
"Best trust the happy moments... The days that make
us happy make us wise."
-- John Masefield
----
"The great man is he who does not lose his child's
heart."
-- Mencius
----
"When our first parents were driven out of
Paradise, Adam is believed to have remarked to
Eve: `My dear, we live in an age of transition.'"
-- Dean William R. Inge
----
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is
too hot to play golf.
[Fortunes program]
----
"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
[Groucho Marx?]
----
"They used Raoul Mitgong, but he didn't help
much..."
--Harlan Ellison
----
"Only the toes knows."
-- Mel Profitt
----
Regarding Robin, the Boy Wonder:
"I mean the kid lives with a millionaire,
apparently only goes to school on alternate
Wednesdays, gets to stay up all night, and
beats up adults regularly. Who could ask for
more?"
-- Fred Bals
----
"Now, for use with your child's 'My Little Pony'
playset, the 'My Little Pet Food Processing
Plant!' -- from Real World Toys, caring about your
child's future."
[Saw this on the net, and I'm not sure who originated it]
----
"This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to
have to offend SOMEbody!"
-- John Adams, 1776
----
"[He's] dead. Murdered! And someone's responsible!"
[PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE]
----
"I have the heart of a little boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk."
--Robert Bloch
----
"Take this cross and garlic -- here's a Mezuza in
case he's Jewish -- a page of the Koran if he's
Muslim... and if he's a Zen Buddhist, you're on
your own."
[Im-ple-ments of destruction for undead (vampires, that is) in BADGER]
----
"He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind
we're looking for. This man is an I.R.S. agent."
[The Badger, Ham and a Van Helsing pig stalk vampires in BADGER]
----
"Yes, sir, just Top-Forty Beatle CLASSICS!
[What ah woosie.]"
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
----
"...and Doc Holliday ends
up in the front row of a
Led Zeppelin concert..."
"So THIS is Hell."
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
----
"Gud, marry me, or I'll kick yer ass."
-- Honkeytonk Sue
----
"I hereby sentence you to live in Blythe,
California in a house with an airpad cooler, until
you are dead, or wish you were."
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
----
"It was all very
impressive, but the State
of Arizona built an
air-tight case..."
"This woman does not own
ONE Willie Nelson
tape... OR album. NOT
ONE!"
[From HONKEYTONK SUE]
----
"Bondage... what's
bondage?"
"He's from Flagstaff."
"Oh."
[Bruce Babbit poses a question in HONKEYTONK SUE]
----
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then
to hang a question mark on the things you have
long taken for granted."
-- Bertrand Russell
----
"The bigger the information media, the less courage
and freedom they allow. Bigness means weakness."
-- Eric Sevareid
----
"It has always been true that in the United States
the people who ought to read books write them."
-- Gore Vidal
[Editor's note: Now if Vidal would only take his
own advice...]
----
"Sure, you're right, it's easy to find flaws.
`Sure,' America says to the critic, `it's easy to
tear down, but you can't build up, can you? The
suffering and labor of the artist mean nothing to
you, do they Mr. Ian Shoales? You don't believe
in anything,' America screams, `except the sound
of your own voice!' Well, calm down, America.
Lighten up. Unclench those hardworking fists."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I admit it freely -- I'm not a positive thinker.
On STAR TREK, the beautiful alien with the green
hair and the taut belly would always say to
Captain Kirk, `Oh one called Jim, what is this
thing you call a kiss?' If that alien were here
today (and in my Perfect World, believe me, she
would be), she would gaze at me lovingly and say,
`Oh one called Ian, what is this thing you call a
sneer?' That's the kind of guy I am. Captain
Kirk and I both want the same thing: the
whole-hearted devotion of a naive alien. And if
certain things stand in our way -- Klingons for
Kirk, reality for me -- well, we just have to suck
in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for
the best."
-- Merle Kessler, IAN SHOALES'
PERFECT WORLD
----
"And cruelist of all, I've learned that the bucks
in this criticism thing just aren't what they
should be. I figure if I'm not gonna make any
jack in my chosen profession, the least I can do
is vent my spleen. My motto is VENT FOR THOSE WHO
CAN'T."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"As the roadies say before the concert, `Let's
carve this turkey.'"
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going,
but I'm on my way."
-- Carl Sandburg
----
"There is nothing stronger in this world than
gentleness."
-- Han Suyin
----
"I braved the contempt of my friends last week and
ventured out to see _Bambi_, the Disney rerelease
that is proving to be a hit once again in the box
office. I was looking forward to a gentle,
soothing, late afternoon relief from the
Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As
a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early
adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For
the first half-hour, you're lulled into an
agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds
twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great
conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan
would describe as an absent father, but Mom's
there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm.
You make great friends, fool around on the ice,
discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then,
without any particular warning, your mom gets
shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start
appearing on your head, and your peers start
heading off into the clover with the apparent
intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the
forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think
I'd prefer _Rambo III_."
-- Townsend Davis
----
"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the
American family. Families aren't dying. They're
merging into big conglomerates."
-- Erma Bombeck
----
"Great perils have this beauty, that they bring to
light the fraternity of strangers."
-- Victor Hugo
----
"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he
has a right not only to be right but also to be
wrong."
-- Thomas Szasz
----
"You McPike?"
"Most of my life. In 3rd
grade I was Batman, but
that seems to have
passed."
[One of Frank McPike's best droll comments, from WISEGUY]
----
"Roger Rabbit's wife! My goodness! Such...
AMPLE... drawing!"
[Jarvis, the butler for the Mighty AVENGERS, comments on a popular movie]
----
"Lord Hermes, is it true
you can conjure up
*anything*?"
"Yes."
"Awesome! Do y'know what
a video entertainment
center is?"
[Yes, having an Olympian God around the house is handy. WONDER WOMAN]
----
"B-r-r-other! What good is having a god around if
you can't get any FUN out of it?"
[From George Perez's WONDER WOMAN]
----
"The sound of harps... of
organs... of cascading
violins."
"What about Def Lepard?
They got Def Lepard?"
[Heaven described to a generation of vidiots. From THE SHADOW]
----
"It suddenly occurs to me, Hong, that if THESE are
American tourists, I would certainly hate to
engage their military..."
[OK, when was the last time YOU invaded China? From THE SHADOW]
----
"You do not know?! Have you never
heard the tales of the man from
the East -- A frightful creature
of the night -- with the POWER to
cloud the minds of men... and the
FURY to obliterate Evil with a
single sweep of his terrible
hand?!"
"Frankly, Hong...
no."
"Nor I."
"Perhaps if you
were more
specific..."
[Brilliant hyperbole from THE SHADOW]
----
"That's the trouble with `mindless slaves'...
they're, well, *mindless*!"
[Dr. Quest points out those little problems with world domination. JONNY QUEST]
----
"Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a
proton accelerator thinks they can rule the world.
No offense."
[A lucid point from Race Bannon in JONNY QUEST]
----
"No more ice cream ever, ever, ever again."
[Hallucinations and chocolate chip -- or is it real? THE MYSTERY MAN]
----
"[The Republicans'] platform was 30,000 words long,
3,000 of which was the word 'God'."
[Mark Russell]
----
[Sung to the tune of The Flintstones Theme]
"Team-sters, we're the Team-sters,
We're just one happy family!
Gambino and Celerno...
Make that two happy families!
'Nolo contendre', that's our Teamsters song!
Cops and Robbers -- we play it all day long!
Teamsters, love the Teamsters!
Support us if you please,
Or else we'll break your knees,
Have you hugged a Teamster today?"
-- Mark Russell
----
"The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies
and chase them before you, to rob them of their
wealth and to see those dear to them bathed in
tears, to ride their horses and to clasp to your
bosom their wives and daughters."
-- Ghengis Kahn, civic leader and
Bud man
----
"All progress is based upon a universal innate
desire on the part of every living organism to
live beyond its income."
-- Samuel Butler
----
"It is not uncommon in a Republican convention hall
for delegates to gather in menacing clumps around
the press gallery, shaking their fists and shouting
imprecations. (When this happened in Dallas in
1984, some of us fantasized about picking up our
friend Ben Wattenberg bodily and tossing him over
the side into the angry crowd with a cry of "Get
'im! He's a Democrat!" Wattenberg would've had
only a split second to convince the enraged
delegates that while he may look like a Democrat,
he actually supports the Contras, the Reagan
Doctrine, Star Wars, etc. But Wattenberg is such a
nice guy that we didn't have the heart.)"
-- Hendrik Hertzberg
----
"Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very
strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be
spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets
in the rain, we were punished."
-- Nancy Ellis, George Bush's
sister
----
"A duel to the death!"
"Dr. Science!"
"Okay, until we get tired
and grumpy."
[From the DR. SCIENCE TV show]
----
"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't
grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a
temporary surrender of security."
-- Gail Sheehy
----
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we
explain the success of those we don't like?"
-- Jean Cocteau
----
"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government
and report the facts."
-- Will Rogers
----
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but
not enough to make us love one another."
-- Jonathan Swift
----
"It's odd that you can get so anesthetized to your
own pain or your own problem that you don't quite
fully share the hell of someone close to you."
-- Lady Bird Johnson
----
"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery."
-- Jack Paar
----
"The healthy, the strong individual, is the one who
asks for help when he needs it, whether he's got
an abscess on his knee or his soul."
-- Rona Barrett
----
"[Michael Dukakis is] a card-carrying member of the
A.C.L.U., a group [which is] pretty far out in
left field [and does not reflect] Texas values."
-- George Bush
----
"Strange, when you think of it, that of all the
countless folks who have lived before our time on
this planet not one is known in history or legend
as having died of laughter."
-- Sir Max Beerbohm
----
"A certain person may have, as you say, a wonderful
presence: I do not know. What I do know is that he
has a perfectly delightful absence."
-- Idries Shah
----
"When the writer becomes the center of his
attention, he becomes a nudnik. And a nudnik who
believes he's profound is even worse than just a
plain nudnik."
-- Isaac Bashevis Singer
----
"There is the greatest practical benefit in making
a few failures early in life."
-- Thomas Henry Huxley
----
"MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way."
-- Henry Spencer
----
"Today I'm not a doctor, but you can call me one.
Some folks call it 'science', but I just call it fun.
Upon my every statement you can have complete reliance;
I know more than *you* do -- Call me Dr. Science!"
[The last lines to the Dr. Science theme]
----
"You will curse the day you did not do
All that the Phantom asked of you!"
[I think -- I think -- this is from THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (the musical)]
----
"I say we blow the crap
out of it and torch the
joint."
"Don't be bloody DAFT.
This is a Terror
Elemental -- not a rival
biker gang."
[John Constantine and friend in HELLBLAZER]
----
"DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD, YOU DAMN FISH!!"
[Aquaman]
----
"I must admit, I *like* five-to-one odds."
[the JLA]
----
"HAIR-PULLING?! You're
actually indulging in
HAIR-PULLING?! What kind
of a Green Lantern are
you, anyway?"
"The kind that eats punks
like you for
*breakfast*!"
[Guy Gardner in JLI]
----
"Always keep your bowler on in times of stress.
And watch out for diabolical masterminds."
[Emma Peel's parting comment to John Steed on THE AVENGERS]
----
"A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or
15 years."
-- Harry Truman
----
"I'm not a pushover, believe me. I laugh at
HAMLET."
-- Billy Wilder
----
"Sherlock Holmes was a drug addict without a single
amiable trait."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"You're not exactly Little Mary Sunshine yourself,
Bernie."
-- Moi
----
"Ain't that just like a tin-pot dictator! Calling
in the faceless hordes when things get rough!
Faceless horde is my middle name!"
[The Badger, in NEXUS]
----
"Honest Crocus worships at the font of free
enterprise."
[NEXUS]
----
"So... I can save the solar system. But not a
friend. This job isn't worth a tinker's damn."
[NEXUS]
----
"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God
is just..."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
"The gorilla had an 800-word "vocabulary."
Apparently a new record in the animal intelligence
racket. I wasn't impressed. I had a nephew into
Motley Crue that could speak 850 easy."
[THE AMERICAN]
----
Unemployed? Hungry? Eat a foreign car.
[Seen on a bumper sticker]
----
"Say, Ralph, what do you
think of those
Cardinals?"
"I think they're
terrific, Jim. I love
the way they use black
smoke to signal that
they haven't picked a
Pope and..."
"No, Ralph, no."
[Ralph Dinby, THE ELONGONATED MAN]
----
"What do I care for the C.I.A. Director's tawdry
affairs? I'm on the trail of Satan himself!"
[A Mike Baron DEADMAN story]
----
"The stupid are deaf to the truth; they hear, but
think that the wisdom applies to someone else."
-- Heraclitus
----
"Do you know back at the turn of the century how
long it took to cross Manhattan on horse? What
the average speed was? Seven miles an hour. You
what it is today? Exactly the same, seven miles
an hour."
-- John Denver
----
"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."
-- Robert Frost
----
"Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it
comes late in life."
-- Lord Byron
----
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches
itself."
-- Albert Camus
----
"Look! Sunglasses! EXACTLY like the ones worn by
the American Don Johnson!"
[Several Chinese Army guards find evidence in THE SHADOW]
----
"I-I-I didn't know they
were carnivorous!"
"Or expert shots!"
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"Permit me to introduce myself. My name's Dracula,
Lord of the Undead. God, I do love the way that
sounds."
[DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be. I
have some weird degenerate gum disease. It turns
out even the Undead have to floss."
[Dracula discusses problems of the modern vamipire in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"Not bad. Were you aiming
for the Ferarri?"
"Yeah, but I thought it
would have made a bigger
dent."
[A large tyrannosaurus and Dracula discuss trajectories in DINOSAURS FOR HIRE]
----
"You forgot to read your fortune cookie... It
says... you're shit out of luck."
[Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry in THE DEAD POOL]
----
"The following program contains language which may
be offensive enough to knock a buzzard off a
shitwagon."
[A cartoon I saw]
----
"Do they still keep track
of me at the Agency?"
"We heard you married
some old Nazi."
"He was NOT a Nazi -- he
was Austrian."
"So was Hitler."
"Yes, but *he* had no
sense of humor."
[A wonderful exchange between Glenda Jackson and Walter Matthau in
HOPSCOTCH, a film well worth searching out]
----
"It's public knowledge that you dislike small
animals and children, Luthor."
[Superman IV -- don't see it!]
----
"I have discovered that all human evil comes from
this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."
-- Blaise Pascal
----
"If you're going to do something tonight that
you'll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late."
-- Henny Youngman
----
"After decades of "Masterpiece Theater" decline,
deferent workers cheering dim royals, and legions
of garden fetishists whose idea of fun was a
gentle discussion of acidity levels in the
topsoil, the class system is finally getting
shaken up. There are happier consequences of this
than violence, of course, but the hooligan revival
is at least a reminder that there's now no
shortage of Britons successful enough to deserve
beating up and plenty of others self-confident
enough to do it."
-- Andrew Sullivan
----
"Spock, maybe your
reknowned Vulcan logic
can get Jim to rest. God
know he never listens to
me."
"Do not take it
personally, Dr. McCoy.
*None* of us listens to
you."
[A classic exchange between Spock and McCoy in the STAR TREK comic]
----
"Oh, come ON! A one-man
religion?"
"There is no other kind."
[From THE QUESTION]
----
"Okay, Sister, I never
hurt a nun before..."
"Undt you won't hurt one
now, you little turd."
[A street punk addressing a transexual, former Nazi nun nicknamed "Sister
Twyster." From THE BADGER]
----
"Are you Catholic?"
"Episcopalian, and not
very."
"Ja, ja. Agnoztic."
[From THE BADGER]
----
"I'll keep 'em off your Holy Ass as long as you're
in Wisconsin."
[From THE BADGER]
----
"Vhat are you doing?"
"I was preparing to
divine trends in
business software
through the ritual
sacrifice of AT&T's
Consumer Memory Banks.
Will you assist me?"
"Wiss pleasure!"
"It's more humane than
animal sacrifices and
infinitely more
rewarding!"
[From THE BADGER]
----
"Strangers may laugh at him behind his back, but
still he saves their lives!"
[That could only describe... THE FLAMING CARROT!]
----
"You should always read the instructions first,
Uncle Billy!"
[FLAMING CARROT offers some good advice to Uncle Billy re: his mail-order
jungle bride]
----
"Senators, TV crews and the nation in general are
mystified when, on the third day, Flaming Carrot
shows a Star Trek blooper reel on behalf of the
defense..."
[FLAMING CARROT at the Senate Hearings]
----
"Meanwhile... the Carrot
is using his keen but
unorthodox crimefighting
techniques..."
"Are you a gangster?"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"I loved you... loved you as much as any American
used car dealer could..."
[Uncle Billy laments in FLAMING CARROT COMICS]
----
"The summit meeting has also allowed a warm
personal relationship to blossom between the two
world leaders. This warmth was evident right from
their first joint press conference, where
Gorbachev offered, as a gesture of his friendship
toward Reagan, to have Sam Donaldson shot."
--Dave Barry
----
"Dave Sim appears in dark glasses and talks like
he's been up for three days doing God knows what,
which is kind of how you like to think of Dave
Sim."
-- Rob Rodi
----
"I didn't resolve the questions... and I find that
entertaining. And if my life were to end
tomorrow, it would be fulfilled in that manner. I
would say, 'The questions have been terrific.'"
-- Jack Kirby on his work
----
"I don't often make a mistake, but when I do, it's
a beaut."
-- Fiorello La Guardia
----
"I'm through with takin' falls
And bouncing off the walls;
Without that gun
I'd have some fun
And kick you in the..."
"NOSE!"
"Nose? Dat don't rhyme
wit 'walls'!"
"No, but THIS does!"
>*KRUNCH!*<
[Eddie Valiant in ROGER RABBIT]
----
"As a last resort, we can
always sic Les Nesman on
them."
"My God... that could
signal the end of
organized religion as we
know it."
[WKRP IN CINCINATTI]
----
"Whenever I'm faced with a difficult situation, I
like to ask myself what my idol, Edward R. Murrow,
would think; and I think Ed would call this
censorship.
"But I also ask myself what my other hero, General
George Patton, would think; and I think George
would believe this country needs to be cleaned up.
Why, if George were alive today, he'd take two
armored tank divisions into Hollywood and knock
those liberal pinheads into the ocean!
"So, as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And
when I'm confused, there's only one thing that
makes me feel better: I watch TV."
-- Les Nesman
[WKRP IN CINCINATTI]
----
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for
love, and then for a few close friends, and then
for money."
-- Moliere
----
"I don't mind you *thinking* I'm stupid, but don't
*talk* to me like I'm stupid."
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"There, but for the grace of God, goes God."
-- Herman Mankiewicz on Orson Welles
----
"What do you know about
show business, Mr.
Valiant?"
"Only that there's no
business like it... no
business I know."
[Eddie Valiant in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
----
"A Toon killed his brother... dropped a piano on
his head."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
----
"A ladies man, eh?"
"The problem is, I gotta
fifty-year-old lust and
a three-year-old dinky."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
----
"I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way."
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
----
"Haven't seen you for nigh
onto three years. Where
you been, Eddie?"
"Drunk. Feeling frisky
tonight, boys?"
[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
----
"A good many things go around in the dark besides
Santa Claus."
-- Hoover
----
"Gee, this is pretty good for slop!"
[Gourmet advice from JONNY QUEST]
----
"...and so -- for weeks after -- you won't be able
to swing a dead CAT in Jerusalem without hitting
someone descended from the house of David...
anointed by a close relative... riding into town
on a donkey."
[The tantalizing tail end of the Judge's soliloquy from CEREBUS]
----
"If you don't find him,
they'll shoot him down
like a dog!"
"Well, he *is* a dog."
[A cute little gypsy girl pleads with THE BADGER over Spuds McKen... err,
Buddy McBride]
----
"I see more than you do,
child. I see an end to
Hell. What do YOU see?"
"I see someone in a lot
of pain."
[Dekko and Jenny from ZOT!]
----
"I give up then. If Mozart can't justify our
continued existence, nothing can."
[Max, a man in love with the minutae and beauty of life, from ZOT!]
----
"Did you learn that from
captains' school, too?"
"No. Rodgers and
Hammerstein."
[Uhura and Kirk from the STAR TREK comic.]
----
"Wow! You're up and
around already? I'm
impressed."
"Oh, great. Now they'll
be no living with him."
[End of a great punch line with Kirk getting out of bed and McCoy's acid
comments]
----
"You and Ronald McDonald are the two most popular
clowns in this country right now."
[Nick Fury's comments on Clay Quarterman's Ollie North-like popularity.
From THE INCREDIBLE HULK.]
----
"But only the wind picked
him up, and blew him away
into the Arizona skies.
And, I hope, to a better
place.
"Rio, maybe."
"MR. JONES!"
"Well, I didn't want to
sound too maudlin."
[Rick Jones from the same issue of THE HULK]
----
"In the afterlife, everyone's good-looking."
-- Laurie Thompson
----
"You realize that if they
catch us they will beat
us, torture us, and kill
us?"
"So, you are suggesting
we go home?"
"No, this is more fun."
[The two brownies from WILLOW]
----
"What will we do when they
come?"
"See if we can sell Mom
and Dad into slavery for
a star cruiser."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I try to make everyone's day a little more
surreal."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I kind of like it.
Interesting percussion
section."
"Those are cannons."
"And they perform this in
crowded concert halls?
Gee, I thought classical
music was boring!"
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I've got *plenty* of common sense! I just choose
to ignore it."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"Why would she want
another kid?? She's
already got ME!"
"Yes, you'd think she'd
have learned her lesson
by now..."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or
I'm still dreaming."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"Just think! With the
push of a button, you
could be a 500-story
gastropod -- a slug the
size of the Chrysler
Building."
"Gosh, how can I refuse?"
"Well, if you don't like
that, be something else!
I don't care!"
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"I'm disappointed too, but keep in mind that
transmogrification is a new technology."
[CALVIN AND HOBBES]
----
"The weed of crime bears *bitter fruit*... but
there are limits..."
[Even THE SHADOW can have second thoughts...]
----
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old;
they grow old because they quit playing."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
----
"Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that
has at least one thing right, that there should be
nobody with the power to dictate where responsible
journalism begins."
-- Tom Stoppard
----
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be
fascinating."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"Who sees all beings in his own Self, and his own
Self in all beings, loses all fear."
-- Isa Upanishad
----
"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of
our life are made. Destiny is made known
silently."
-- Agnes De Mille
----
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't."
-- Erica Jong
----
"Beware of all enterprises that require new
clothes."
-- Henry David Thoreau
----
"One can acquire everything in solitude -- except
character."
-- Stendhal
----
"It's not the world that's got so much worse but
the news coverage that's got so much better."
-- G. K. Chesterton
----
"Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are
no sermons in stones. It is easier to get a spark
than a moral."
-- John Burroughs
----
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
----
"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary
man."
-- Elbert Hubbard
----
"I don't need psychotherapy, I have a CAR!!"
-- Hans Fiedler
----
Should South Florida legalize casino gambling? As with
any important issue, there are pros and cons. Here they
are:
PROS: Everybody would get rich.
CONS: Everybody would get killed by gangsters.
-- Dave Barry
----
"Great, you wasted all my
Clearasil on another
picture of Thor?"
"Thor's my hero..."
"Thor's a homo."
"Is not."
[From ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING]
----
"You can do more with a kind word and a gun than
with just a kind word."
-- Al Capone
----
"New York... when civilization falls apart,
remember, we were way ahead of you."
-- David Letterman
----
"Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to
reinvent it, poorly."
-- Henry Spencer
----
"I know engineers. They love to change things."
-- Dr. McCoy
----
"...this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel
resistance buried under six million hardbound
copies of 'The Naked Lunch.'"
-- The Firesign Theater
----
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-- Andy Finkel
----
"I would have promised those terrorists a trip to
Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages
released. I thank God they were satisfied with
the missiles and we didn't have to go to that
extreme."
-- Oliver North
----
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the
Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek
Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant
Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own
mind is my own Church."
-- Thomas Paine
----
"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there
are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my
pocket nor breaks my leg."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
Sample Error Message from DEC's RSTS OS for the
PDP-11:
"UNIBUS TIMEOUT FATAL TRAP PROGRAM LOST SORRY"
----
Harrison's Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and
opposite criticism.
----
"Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to
relinquish the spheroid."
-- Indiana University football
cheer
----
"I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot
cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
-- Steven Wright
----
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look
like the ultimate in restraint."
-- Dave Sim
----
How many QA engineers
does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to
say "I told you so" when it
doesn't work.
[rec.humor]
----
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no
substitute for a good blaster at your side."
-- Han Solo
----
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine
people and that most of them seemed to come from
Texas."
-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
[Personal note: thus confirming my opinion of
both Bond and Fleming...]
----
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
[Anonymous]
----
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
[Groucho Marx]
----
"...if the church put in half the time on
covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a
better world."
-- Garrison Keillor, LAKE
WOBEGON DAYS
----
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."
-- David Letterman
----
"Show business is just like high school, except you
get paid."
-- Martin Mull
----
"It's currently a problem of access to gigabits
through punybaud."
-- J. C. R. Licklider
----
"One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many;
three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a
certain parallelism of life, a community of
thought, a rivalry of aim."
-- Henry Brook Adams
----
Thank God a million billion times that you don't
live in Texas.
-- Me (from a somewhat different
Karl quote)
----
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."
-- Warren Zevon
----
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the
blink again."
-- Marvin
----
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our
best ideas!"
-- Ben Jonson
----
"There are things that are so serious that you can
only joke about them."
-- Heisenberg
----
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame
it upon the wall instead of using it."
-- Gordon R. Dickson
----
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right
wing gained control of the country, it would
probably fly around in circles."
-- Pat Paulsen
----
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of
civilized nations."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral
standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a
scoundrel."
-- H. L. Mencken
----
"Software suppliers are trying to make their
software packages more 'user-friendly'.... Their
best approach, so far, has been to take all the
old brochures, and stamp the words,
'user-friendly' on the cover."
-- Bill Gates
----
"'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become
famous without ability."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us
a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if
I'm going to use up mine running up and down a
street."
-- Neil Armstrong
----
"He hasn't one redeeming vice."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
If the probability of success is not almost one,
then it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
----
"If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save
all the parts."
-- Paul Erlich
----
"The world looks as if it has been left in the
custody of trolls."
-- Father Robert F. Capon
----
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to
participate in it."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
----
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
BURMA SHAVE
----
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble
doing it."
-- Tallulah Bankhead
----
"I think that God in creating man somewhat
overestimated his ability."
-- Oscar Wilde
----
"The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jail break."
-- Wavy Gravy
----
"Tip the world over on its side and everything
loose will land in Los Angeles."
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
----
"It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in
a bank at night."
-- Willie Sutton
----
"No, it's 'Blessed are the meek.' I think that's
nice, 'cause really they have a hell of a time."
[A lovely little quote from MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN]
----
There are no bugs, only unrecognized features.
[Anonymous]
----
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually
stays there.
[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
----
"It's not often that you get so much class
entertainment outside your bedroom window... or
outside your bedroom, period."
-- Groucho Marx
----
"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is
more than she ever did."
-- Rufus T. Firefly
[Groucho Marx]
----
University: A modern institution where football is
taught.
[Parapharsed from Ambrose Bierce's THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, the definition
for Academy ]
----
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist
and too rich to be a communist.
[Anonymous]
----
"There will always be survivors."
-- Robert Heinlen
----
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time.
The last 10% of a project takes 90% of the time.
[Anonymous]
----
"It is common sense to take a method and try it.
If it fails, admit it frankly and try another.
But above all, try something."
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
----
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over
for dinner.
[Anonymous]
----
"Sylvester Stallone does Hamlet:
'To be, or what?'"
-- Robin Williams
----
"Lack of skill dictates economy of style."
-- Joey Ramone
----
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning
and gets to bed at night, and in between he does
what he wants to do."
-- Bob Dylan
----
"Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it
coming to them."
-- James Thurber
----
"I really appreciate The Writer's Guild. Under
their health plan, I can get prescription drugs
for $2 a pop."
-- George Carlin
----
"Why is the camera moving
around so much?"
"It's a film style called
cinema verite."
"Huh? What's that?"
"It's a fancy French
expression for 'sloppy
camera work'."
-- The Tracy Ullman Show
----
GEORGE BUSH at the College of Southern Idaho, 5/6/88:
Regarding President Reagan, "For 7 1/2 years
I've worked alongside him, and I'm proud to be
his partner. We've had triumphs, we've made
mistakes, we've had sex."
"Setbacks," he quickly corrected. "We've had
setbacks."
----
"If the airport books are any indication, there are
at least 450,000 evil Nazi World War II geniuses
still at large, many of them with atomic laser
cannons."
-- Dave Barry
----
"I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pedantic and that's just
as good."
-- D Gary Grady
----
"Now you have accidentally said something
valuable!"
[Hercule Poirot in MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS]
----
"But, will I get the chicks? I mean, in
truckloads?"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"What a pinhead! Does he not fear us?!"
[SAM AND MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
----
"Vaya con dios, scumbucket."
[Roger LaCoco from WISEGUY]
----
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit
sniffing glue!"
[Lloyd Bridges from AIRPLANE!]
----
I don't care if it rains or freezes,
As long as I got my plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
I can do a hundred miles an hour!
Long as I got the almighty power,
Way up there with my pair of fuzzy dice.
[Don Imus, The Plastic Jesus Song]
----
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."
[SLEDGE HAMMER!]
----
"The living dead don't NEED to solve word
problems."
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
----
"Every now and then when your life gets complicated
and the weasels start closing in, the only real
cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas."
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
----
"Comedy. Sudden, violent comedy!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a
good price for them."
[Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of ALL World Knowledge]
----
"Hey, stewardess. Run through that seatbelt
demonstration a few more times. It's unbelievably
tricky!"
[Sam & Max]
----
"We Americans live in a nation where the
medical-care system is second to none in the
world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could
vaporize in seconds if we felt like it."
-- Dave Barry
----
"Spontaneous combustion! What a stroke of luck!"
[SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
----
"He has been known by many names; the Prince of
Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at
a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him
'Dude'."
[Ty Templeton's STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing
grip of reason, too..."
[CALVIN & HOBBES]
----
"Mind your manners, son! I've got a tall pointy
hat!"
[Elrod from CEREBUS]
----
"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered
Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from
you non-creative garbage."
[John Cleese of Monty Python]
----
"You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the
Earth had one throat and I had my hands about it."
-- Rorschach
[WATCHMEN]
----
"I've got to concentrate. I've got to concentrate!
..Hello?
..Echo!
..Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota!"
[AIRPLANE!]
----
"The language of politics is poetry, not prose.
Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a
word processor."
-- Richard M. Nixon
Jeff Meyer
"Spare me, gentle knight! Tenure shalt thee have,
and gold, and several attractive female teaching
assistants."
[Gary's fantasy from thirty-something]
----
"Whoever said talk is cheap never saw a bill for
Phonesex."
-- Michael Corcoran
----
"On our third date, I plan
to screw your eyes blue."
"Yup.... just an old-
fashioned girl."
[MIRACLE MILE]
----
"My next storyline has the Punisher going after the
Attorney General. This should be good."
-- Mike Baron
----
"Last year they got food poisoning. This year they
got Bill Gates."
-- MacWeek on the NAUG meeting
----
"In the handbook, it says that most people ignore
the strange and unusual; while I myself *am*...
strange and unusual."
[BEETLEJUICE]
----
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in
love with tripe."
-- Tom Anderson
----
"Most people would like to be delivered from
temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
-- Robert Orben
----
"The rule on staying alive as a program manager is
to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never
give 'em both at once."
[Anonymous]
----
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
nobody listens.
[Anonymous]
----
"An optimist believes we live in the best world
possible; a pessimist fears this is true."
[Anonymous]
----
"Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly --
it's probably because two errors are canceling
each other out."
-- Dave Bartley
----
"A feature is a bug with seniority."
-- Dave Bartley
----
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks
down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more
weeks of Pro football."
-- Chuck Newcombe
----
"If hyperspace did not already exist, science
fiction writers would have had to invent it."
-- Peter Oakley
----
"It is customary in these
situations for the
developer of the plan to
explain it."
"It is also customary for
the DETECTIVE to explain
how HE figured it out!"
[Steve Martin and Carl Reiner battle it out in DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID]
----
"Is it really that good?
It couldn't be, could it?
I mean, a first attempt
by a total amateur?"
"I'll tell you how good
that is: even a gifted
director couldn't hurt
it."
[from DEATHTRAP]
----
"Dead? No excuse for laying off work."
[God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS]
----
"Yes... why do we have to
have evil?"
"Ah, I think it's
something to do with
free will."
[God (played splendidly by the late Sir Ralph Richardson) in TIME BANDITS]
----
Woodard's Law: You can have it right, or you can have it now.
But you can't have it right now.
----
"The universe has fascinated mankind for many, many
years, dating back to the very earliest episodes
of "Star Trek", when the brave crew of the
Enterprise set out, wearing pajamas, to explore
the boundless voids of space, which turned out to
be as densely populated as Queens, New York.
Virtually every planet they found was inhabited,
usually by evil beings with cheap costumes and
Russian accents, so finally the brave crew of the
Enterprise returned to Earth to gain weight and
make movies."
-- Dave Barry
----
"The ultimate metric that I would like to propose
for user friendliness is quite simple: if this
system was a person, how long would it take before
you punched it in the nose?"
-- Tom Carey
----
"Lead me not into temptation... I can find it
myself."
[Anonymous]
----
"The two most abundant things in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity."
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"When people are least sure, they are often most
dogmatic."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
----
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and
won't change the subject."
-- Sir Winston Churchill
----
"Nature is very un-American. Nature never
hurries."
-- William George Jordan
----
history."
-- George Bernard Shaw
----
inhale."
-- Adlai Stevenson
----
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
----
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.
The expectations are always high, and the results
usually disappointing."
-- Robert Orben
----
"A great many people think they are thinking when
they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
-- William James
----
"To talk to a child, to fascinate him, is much more
difficult than to win an electoral victory. But
it is also much more satisfying."
-- Colette
----
"Tell the truth and run."
-- Yugoslav proverb
----
"The best index to a person's character is a) how
he treats people who can't do him any good and b)
how he treats people who can't fight back."
-- Abigail Van Buren
----
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up
in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
----
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which
never seems to fit."
-- David McCord
----
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce
children, but that children produce adults."
-- Peter De Vries
----
up to them."
-- Alfred Adler
----
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not
exist in nature... Life is either a daring
adventure or nothing."
-- Helen Keller
----
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of
Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter
of the gods."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."
-- Corporate motto of Microsoft
[Actually, it was George Bernard Shaw]
----
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to
die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature
man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
-- William Stekel
----
"There's this to say for blood and breath,
They give a man a taste for death."
-- Housman
----
"So that's it in a
nutshell, Phil. We're
here to take over your
planet and enslave all
you goobers what live
here..."
"Never mind that -- what
about *women's issues*?
What do you think about
equal pay? I could just
weep!"
[Phil Donahue talks to alien invaders in WHAT TH...?!, a completely
forgettable comic]
----
"The year is 2989. New York City has become a
melting pot for humans and various alien races.
Blind dates are a real crap shoot now."
[From ROACHMILL]
----
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless
carci into dogfood..."
[That darned BADGER...]
----
"So tell me... did you
remember to ask for World
Domination?"
"Whoops... I knew I
forgot something!"
[That darned BADGER...]
----
"As that pudgy ex-Genesis drummer, I put the entire
state of Connecticut to sleep and stole their
wallets."
[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC
DISRUPTORS]
----
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it
radiation sickness?"
[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC
DISRUPTORS]
----
"Just because I'm not a
real person doesn't mean
I'm not a *good* person."
"That's... that's
beautiful, Fuzz. You
want to host a
telethon?"
[A Disney construct who can resemble anyone revels in his crimes in SONIC
DISRUPTORS]
----
"Stop it! You're pinching
my arm!"
"You're lucky I don't rip
it off and beat yer
girlfriend with it!"
[A Mark Martin satire of the Charles Atlas ads...]
----
"Ever see a Dirty Harry
movie?"
"Yessir!"
"Like 'em?"
"Yessir! Very much so!"
[A soldier with a gun to his head in THE AMERICAN]
----
"According to my instruments -- they're preparing
to jump into hyper-space... or go to warp drive...
or something like that."
[Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points.]
----
"Gross! GROSS!
GRRROSSSS!"
"But VERY Cronenberg."
[Yes, it's JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL. 3 points.]
----
"Shulang it! This is exactly the treatment we've
come to expect from Delta Airlines!"
[BADGER in NEXUS]
----
"We need the boat to cross
the next zone!"
"We need the hat to
impress girls, and
stupid natives!"
[BADGER in NEXUS]
----
"Civilization! Look for a Burger King."
[BADGER in NEXUS]
----
"Nuns - No sense of humor."
[HIGHLANDER]
----
"Do we have any more animals that Grandma can
torture?"
[NOTHING IN COMMON]
----
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what
we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen
----
"You're going to burn in
Hell for this."
"I don't believe in Hell.
I believe in
unemployment."
[TOOTSIE]
----
"You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll
Mom hears about this".
[THE LOST BOYS]
----
"I'm going to throw up all
over you."
"Go ahead, it won't show
on this shirt".
[THE RUNNING MAN (yes, it's an Arnie line)]
----
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant... *I* want to be
Cary Grant."
-- Archibald Leach
----
"We're going to kill each other, aren't we?"
[THE KILLING JOKE]
----
"Don't get even... get mad!"
[THE KILLING JOKE]
----
"But I guess nobody gets to live happily ever after
anymore, do they?"
[Abby in SWAMP THING]
----
"Plastic gun. Ingenious. More coffee, please."
[Lee Falk's THE PHANTOM by Peter David]
----
"But you other two, I don't see any place for you
in the revolution. ESPECIALLY YOU, Kate Straight!
If you persist in playing that awful crunchy
granola folk music all the time!"
[A Chinese Communist Col. whose life is changed by R&B in SONIC DISRUPTORS]
----
"The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our
thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or
later with astounding accuracy."
[Anonymous]
----
"If at first you don't succeed, you are running
about average."
-- Bill Cosby
----
"If only God would give me a clear sign! Like
making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss
bank."
-- Woody Allen
----
"A child is a person who can't understand why
someone would give away a perfectly good kitten."
-- Doug Larson
----
"If God had really intended men to fly, He'd have
made it easier to get to the airport."
-- George Winters
----
"The trouble with doing something right the first
time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it
was."
-- Walt West
----
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."
-- G. B. Stearn
----
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in
matters of taste, swim with the current."
-- Thomas Jefferson
----
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that
the volume knob also turns to the left.
[Anonymous]
----
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of
listening when you'd have preferred to talk."
-- Doug Larson
----
"Been through Hell? Whaddya bring back for me?"
-- A. Brilliant
----
"Yow! That Sklar guy
leaves a road behind
him!"
"Good! Look for a
McDonald's!"
[The Badger makes another cognizant observation, in NEXUS]
----
"You're a lot of GRIEF, Badge. I'm going to write
you with tight underwear, or something."
[Creator Mike Baron harangues the Badger...]
----
"But I can't excuse that FLASH GORDON review. That
was the *dumbest* movie ever made."
[A fan of Baron's who can't excuse just *one* little thing]
----
"I don't know what their
gripe is. A critic is
simply someone paid to
render opinions glibly."
"Critics are grinks and
groinks."
[Baron and Badger]
----
"I used to do movie
reviews in town. They
never forgave me for
liking FLASH GORDON."
"You must be nuts. I
liked it, too."
[Baron and Badger]
----
"It's true... I consume 47 times my own weight in
fast-food burgers. They call me the human
Rolaid."
[Baron and Badger]
----
"As Mayor of Houston, it gives me great pleasure to
award you this Texas Freedom Award and a gold
Neiman Marcus charge card."
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
----
"Quick! A Mai-Tai!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
----
"If you wants something cheap, try McCrory's."
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
----
"That buffalo is the greatest figure skater I've
ever seen! I must sign him to STAR in my next
show!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
----
"HEY, LARRY! DITCH THE JACKET!"
[Foo-fa-raa in BADGER]
----
"Hey, I think his heart
has stopped."
"Let's give him a few
more minutes."
[Penny and Hopey discussing the results of a sexual encounter in LOVE & ROCKETS]
----
"Why, I'd recognize those boobs anywhere."
[Hopey spots Penny in LOVE & ROCKETS]
----
"Israel today announced that it is giving up. The
Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and
its citizens will disperse to various resort
communities around the world. Said Prime Minister
Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"Bush? OK, he's experienced, but he's never going
to be a GREAT liar. He can hardly bamboozle Dan
Rather. How's he going to do up against
bloodthirsty, power-mad dictator, like Margaret
Thatcher?"
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"And, of course, you have the commercials where
savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their
MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate
American business product: a really sharp-looking
report."
-- Dave Barry
----
"All you Klingons, you want to ravage helpless
Earthwomen. Brute."
[They really should have named this, "I Married a Klingon." From DC's STAR TREK]
----
"SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth!
[offer void where prohibited]"
[Capitalists from outer space! From the JLI]
----
"I'm shouting again. I've got to watch that."
[One of said invaders worrying about appearances....]
----
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood. He's smart --
that's why his movies work."
[A brilliant director at FRANK'S PLACE]
----
"I'll get my revenge on all of society! I'll build
a mighty criminal empire!"
[Mobieus's career criminal]
----
"Badger! Grab something
and *hang on*!"
"Right-Oh! I'm hanging
onto this 1890 Liberty
Head Silver Dollar!"
[Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS]
----
"Avast, ye slobs! Deploy the mizzen mast! Rotate
the rubber baby buggy bumpers!"
[Badge, Judah and Nexus battening down the hatches, from NEXUS]
----
"Well, I read somewhere
that to kill a vampire,
you have to behead it and
fill its mouth with holy
wafers."
"Really?"
"I knew you'd like that."
[The fun part is AFTER you drive the stake through the heart. HERO SANDWICH]
----
"You know, you're more in need of a blow job than
any other white man in the history of the human
race."
[Robin Williams, GOOD MORNING VIETNAM]
----
"The following is not for the weak of heart or
Fundamentalists."
[Dave Barry]
----
"Maybe there is not one damn villain in the
world..."
[The Question]
----
"Gee... these guys really ARE impervious!"
[The Badger vs. demon bike gangs from Hell. Guess who wins?]
----
"General, a machine becomes human when you can't
tell the difference."
[From D.A.R.Y.L.]
----
"Taste cold justice, you disreputable
henchman-types!"
[Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat! (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)]
----
"Butter becomes weightless?.... Raymond Burr must
be in orbit by now."
[Holy Melodrama -- it's Bat-Bat! (From Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series)]
----
I think it's part of a corporate discipline
program for Disney executives:
"Johnson, your department is
over budget again. You know
what that means."
"No! Please!"
"Yes! Into the Goofy suit!"
-- Dave Barry
----
The spokesperson told me that one of the hot toys
for boys this year, once again, is the G.I. Joe
action figure and "accessories," which is the toy
industry code word for guns, as in: "Don't nobody
move! I got an accessory!"
-- Dave Barry
----
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus,
help me find a bargain.'"
--Tammy Faye Bakker
----
It's safe to vote for Gary Hart, but only if you
wear a condom.
[From an article in the NEW REPUBLIC]
----
GARY HART:
Living proof that your really *can* fuck
your brains out.
[From an article in the NEW REPUBLIC]
----
"Well, here we are in the
Phillippines!"
"Drawn without reference
material, apparently."
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
----
"Holy jumping Mother O' God in a sidecar with
chocolate Jimmies and a Lobster Bib!"
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
----
"We must teach him, Max!
Hey, where do you *keep*
that gun?"
"None of your damn
business, Sam."
[The superbly loony SAM AND MAX]
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Nov. 12th
In continuing media coverage of the Character
Issue, presidential candidates named Bruce
"Dick" Babbitt and Albert "Dick" Gore Jr.
state that they have tried marijuana, but no
longer use it. "Now we just drink gin till
we throw up," they state.
George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke
marijuana, but nobody would give him any.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 23rd
The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan,
informed of this by his aides, angrily
responds: "Who?"
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Oct. 8th
Three hundred prominent law professors sign a
petition stating that Supreme Court nominee
Robert Bork has "a weenie beard."
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Sept. 28th
In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S.
gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean
Penn.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 20th
In Miami, alert Metrorail police arrest a
woman for permitting her child to eat a
Vienna sausage. Bystanders applaud this
courageous law-enforcement action by firing
their revolvers into the air.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- August 10th
As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the
country, one of the most popular video-arcade
games in the country is a new one called --
this is true -- "Contra." The way it works
is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and
when you put in a quarter, it never gets to
them.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- June 29th
In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a
line judge and is given a stern warning.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 17th
The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by
an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely
clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare
for violent confrontation with Iran.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- May 5th
The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen.
Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour
impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being
played at 33 r.p.m.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb 1st
A new policy requiring random drug testing of
all airline pilots runs into a snag when
nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to
hit the specimen bottle.
----
DAVE BARRY'S 1987 IN REVIEW -- Feb. 4th
The United States yacht Stars and Stripes
recaptures the coveted America's Cup when the
Australian entry, Kookaburra, is sunk by a
Chinese-made "Silkworm" missile. The U.S.
Sixth Fleet steams toward the troubled region
with orders to "form humungous targets."
----
"Aman-Tut and Julius Caesar -- they both foresaw
their untimely deaths, thousands of years ago, in
this very oracle. And so did Max Headroom."
[ABC seeks after David Addison with help from a soothsayer, in MOONLIGHTING]
----
"I thought you were a Right Guy, Huntley... but I'm
ashamed to be in the same chain gang with you."
[David is critically evaluated by a fellow prisoner in MOONLIGHTING]
----
"Blessed be those
Who initiate lively discussions
With the hopelessly mute
For they shall be know as
Dentists."
[Seen in my dentist's office]
----
"Yeah, a dead sixteen-year-old falls from the sky
-- that'll surprise them!"
[Frank comment from BEANS BAXTER]
----
"Und then it says here he sings 'Pigs? In There?'
over und over. What a very silly person."
-- Conrad Schnitzler, German
synthesist for The Bulldaggers
[From SAVAGE HENRY]
----
"Adventure builds a thirst! What a guy!"
-- The neo-Canton guy
[From SAVAGE HENRY]
----
"See? You NEED me... like Skipper needs Gilligan!"
-- The Flaming Carrot
----
"It isn't spread
by casual contact,
you know."
"Yeah, *I*
know! Why
did YOU pull
back?"
"People. I love 'em."
[Observations on humanity in CONCRETE]
----
"Oh dear... well, if you
don't get her to a very
powerful Shaman right
away -- she'll die."
"We got an Elder God in
the van. Will he do?"
[SAVAGE HENRY]
----
"Well, Henry, we did all we could to save her...
... so, naturally, she survived."
[SAVAGE HENRY]
----
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being
manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic
weapon."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"By an inevitable chain of causes and effects,
Providence punishes national sins by national
calamities."
-- George Mason
----
"Now, my faithful minions, let me explain my
plan... for the benefit of the audience."
[The Kingpin -- not the fat one -- from Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE series]
----
"Now, please excuse me while I wreak my vengeance."
[Huge the Barbarian from the same cartoon]
----
"Welcome to Amboy 4. We are pleased to have your
puny planet participate in our Intergalactic
livestock show and demolition derby."
[MIGHTY MOUSE show]
----
"Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say
'commit the man.'"
[The Secretary of Defense from BUCKAROO BANZAI]
----
"We've replaced the fine coffee at Mssr. Andre's
with sand and ground-up clam shells."
[A line from a vacuam ad I like]
----
"They [South Africa] have eliminated the
segregation that we once had in our own country --
the type of thing where hotels and restaurants and
places of entertainment and so forth were
segregated -- that has all been eliminated."
-- President Reagan, 1985
----
"A tree is a tree. How many more do you need to
look at?"
-- Ronald Reagan, 1966
----
"On the other hand, it takes real moral fiber to
remain a Republican when there's no money in it.
And things *are* looking grim on the financial
front. Even worse for the President, they're
getting confusing."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"You know, you look at the chaos in the
conservative camp right now, it's only too
tempting to blame it all on pot. But in fact, the
Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer. For one
thing, it's made the symptoms of senility socially
acceptable."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders
of the President and give him some credit for
creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a
Jewish hard-line conservative Republican
pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Political observers noted that Governor Mario
Cuomo last week altered his position on running
for the Presidency; he now says that if everyone
in the world got down on their hands and knees and
said, 'Please, Mario, Please, Please, Please be
President!', then he would."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"President Reagan, embarrassed by Ed Meese's
incompetence in the Ginsburg nomination, verbally
lambasted the Attorney General and his wife at a
White House dinner earlier this week by shouting
'I hate the Meeses to pieces!'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"What about you, you ever
kill anything?"
"No, I think killing
animals for sport is
wrong."
"So you wouldn't kill an
animal, huh?... Would you
kill a MOOSE that was
molesting your WIFE?"
-- The Mountain Man
[One of Dana Carvey's great SNL character]
----
"Ever free-climbed a
thousand foot vertical
cliff with 60 pounds of
gear strapped to your
butt?."
"No."
"'Course you haven't, you
fruit-loop little geek."
-- The Mountain Man
[One of Dana Carvey's great SNL character]
----
"I mean, like, I just read
your article in the Yale
law review, on search and
seizure. Man, that was
really Out There."
"I was so WRECKED when I
wrote that..."
[Ginsburg at a smoke-in on SNL]
----
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can
call me... Captain Toke."
[Ginsburg at a smoke-in on SNL]
----
Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the
attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!"
[from rec.humor.funny]
----
"I wouldn't say that Wall Street is a TOTAL
disaster zone... but I saw Malcolm Forbes this
morning sucking subway tokens out of a turnstile."
[David Letterman]
----
"It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff."
[LEAVE IT TO BEAVER]
----
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit."
[T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1]
----
"What's G. Gordon Liddy doing in the living room,
putting the moves on Mom?"
[BEANS BAXTER]
----
"Can't you just gesture
hypnotically and make him
disappear?"
"It does not work that
way. RUN!"
[Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in JONNY QUEST]
----
"Can the county spare me couple hundred body bags
-- the kinds with the twist lock tabs? You know...
the hefty, Hefty, HEFTY kind. Heh, heh."
[THE DOGS OF DANGER]
----
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
[Household security explained in JONNY QUEST]
----
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so
I can punch him tastefully."
[Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse]
----
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
basement:
1) Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
head with an axe!
2) Flee the premises... even if you're in your
underwear.
3) Warn the neighbors and call the police.
But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE
DAMN BASEMENT!"
[Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th]
----
"This Dec. 7th, the summit which will ban all
medium-range nuclear missiles has already run into
its first snag: The National Rifle Association has
officially protested the treaty, and says its
members will continue to own and carry nuclear
missiles -- but only for hunting and
self-protection, of course."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"If you think you have enemies, then, dear
simpleton, you will have enemies."
[I dunno]
----
"Watch out, world! Here
comes Ford!"
Why, do the brakes suck?
-- Lisa Hunt
----
"Victory or defeat."
-- Motto of the 82th Light Horse
Marines (the "Floating Parrots")
[A sample of the wonderfully odd humor of Col. G.L. Sicherman]
----
"I'll tell you what I want, I want someone who is
so beautiful that when you see her you say, 'Wow,
that Humperdinck must be some kind of fella to
have a wife like that.'"
-- William Goldman / S. Morgenstern,
_The_Princess_Bride_
----
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die."
[The Princess Bride]
----
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"I felt a great disturbance in The Force, as if 500
billion dollars cried out in terror, and suddenly
vanished."
-- Obi Ben Bosky, 10/19/87
[Harold Feld, the BEM from Alderann]
----
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is
so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it
works!"
[Ralph Bakshi's MIGHTY MOUSE]
----
"I've got a monkey's body, so I'll provide the
comedy relief!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
----
"It's Jenny's brother, Butch! Boy, are we
semi-glad to see you."
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
----
"And there! Between STAR TREK and ASTROBOY... It's
Zot's world!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
----
"We can't escape
the long arm of
education!"
"Where can
we hide?"
"Better ask a farmer!"
[Matt Feazall's send-up of ZOT!]
----
"I beseech John Byrne that when The Star Brand
obliterates Pittsburgh, that he spare the
Captain's Table in the Pittsburgh airport, which
serves a steak on toasted garlic bread with
Bearnaise sauce that is second to none..."
-- Dave Sim
----
"What we need is a
symbol."
"Y'mean like the `Man
From Glad'?"
[Chester the Protester from SWAMP THING]
----
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way
to your house."
-- George Carlin
----
"Definition of mixed emotions: Finding out your
ex-wife accepted a Kirby Award on your behalf in
San Diego."
-- Dave Sim
----
"He's a bit too theatrical
for my taste."
"Mr. Rogers is too
theatrical for your
taste, darling..."
[Married and Superheroes from JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL]
----
"What are you so damn
cheerful about? The
stock market crashed!"
"I'm a software engineer.
I TRAFFIC in human
misery."
[Me, believe it or not]
----
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common
parking problem."
[Stole this from someone on the net]
----
Vaya con Dios,
[A common Spanish phrase. I think.]
----
"Judge Robert Bork, in an attempt to win sympathy
from the American people after his unsuccessful
attempts to be confirmed to the Supreme Court,
walked into his back yard and fell down a 30-foot
abandoned well. So far, no efforts have been made
to get him out."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"I am immune to all such things, my friend. As a
youth, a certain amount of head-bangin' and
metal-bashin' left my synapses so callous, no
mind-alterin' substances are in charge."
-- Blank Reg
----
"Daddy, Daddy, make
Santa Claus go away!"
"I can't, son;
he's grown too
powerful."
"HO HO HO!"
[Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre]
----
"...so the American
government went to IBM to
come up with a data
encryption standard and
they came up with..."
"EBCDIC!"
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion
- I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just
be bullshitting you inadvertently."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
"You can bring any calculator you like to the
midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when
you turn it on."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS
"You can't drink negative beer...
Well, I guess you could throw up."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS
"How do you find an isomorphism? You just F
it. See? Graph theory is a lot of fun."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
GREAT MOMENTS IN MATHEMATICS
"I think it is true for all n. I was just
playing it safe with n>=3 because I couldn't
remember the proof."
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
GREAT MOMENTS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATION
"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM
chose to do all of them. Why do you find
that funny?"
[From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes]
----
"Well, now, hold onta yer
horses, there, Frazier.
I mean, as a psychiatrist
isn't it your job to, uh,
`seek and uphold the
truth'?"
"Oh, get real, Cliff."
[Frazier and Cliff discuss ethics on CHEERS]
----
"...and Keller is schedule to be executed on
Friday... I guess he won't be around, then, for
the Patriots-Buffalo game this Sunday!"
[A newscaster on CHEERS]
----
"*I*... am undergoing
`male bonding' with your
father."
"DADDY!"
"...Apparently, it
involves repeated
vomiting!"
[Opus meets his in-laws in BLOOM COUNTY]
----
CREATING A COMIC STRIP: Step 1, Dream Up Theme
"... a gruff but endearing two-headed nuclear
mutant who's always squabbling with itself!
"Naw... it'd look rotten on a Burger King glass."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"I say, son... you've
bopped the Queen Mum on
the noodle."
"I was aiming for Aunt
Fergie's hips. Can't
see how I bloody well
missed 'em."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"No, we shall not be
telling the Royal Navy to
`take back' Massachusetts
today, son."
"Mum's right. Yer such a
bloody wimp, Dad."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Take me away, imperialistic puppets of the great
Pay-TV Satanistic Corporate BoogerHeads!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Let's blast the Holy Bejeezus out of the savage
desert planet LIBYA!...
"Instant gratification: the stuff of leadership."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Nurse, fetch the patient a `Bud'..."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"I left the tri-corder on
`The Wild, Chunky, Spunky
Planet of Mary Lou Retton
Clones.'"
"Spock, you are SUCH a
putz."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Shut up, Wilber, and load the Photon Torpedoes."
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Ahead Warp 37 to the wild, loud PLANET OF THE
LUSTY WOMEN COMMODITIES BROKERS!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Yes, we're the nation's top corporate executives:
the valiant frontline in the battle for a purer
America!"
[BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"It is practically impossible to teach good
programming style to students that have had prior
exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they
are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
regeneration."
-- Dijkstra
----
"I don't want no Commies in my car... no Christians
either."
[REPO MAN]
----
"In terms of air-time and ad rates, View Age is
bigger than Islam, Judaism, IBM, Scientology, and
all but two Christian denominations. Projections
indicate that they will pass the Catholics and the
700 Club by this time next year."
[The View-age Church on MAX HEADROOM]
----
"Norm!"
"Shh! Not now, you
idiot!"
[CHEERS]
----
"Oh, God, he's been in the Dobey Gillis file
again."
[MAX HEADROOM]
----
"Captain Justice
knows no fear!"
"Captain Justice
knows no women!"
[A decent line from ONCE A HERO]
----
"Oboy! It's the colorized version of CITIZEN
KANE... oh, my mistake. It's just THE
FLINTSTONES."
[From SAM & MAX, FREELANCE POLICE]
----
"DOM!... If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"
[MAX HEADROOM]
----
"No sweat! The Sheik is on the set. I didn't
major in political science at The University of
Illinois for nothing."
[SONIC DISRUPTORS]
----
"Now... about my allowance..."
[Another bleedin' mutant from HULK]
----
"Splendid chaps. Kill-crazy as all get out."
----
"Bob also asks if Bill Ward ever did any 3-D
comics. Of course, ALL Bill Ward's comics are 3-D
comics."
-- Fandom Confidential
----
"With sales at an all-time high, Marvel will
expand their line next month with a new
title, "Marvel Two-On-One", which will pair
two superpowered heroes against one
not-so-supervillain. Issue #1 pits Thor and
The Hulk against Paste-Pot Pete."
-- Fandom Confidential
----
"I must rise and behold the tiny skull which could
contain a brain so *worthless* that it commands
its keeper to disturb the great JOHN BYRNE as he
scales new heights of comic majesty! EGAD! It's
worse than I thought! It's JIM ENGEL and CHUCK
FIALA!"
[The John Byrne interview from FANDOM CONFIDENTIAL #1]
----
"Hey! I've got a TERRIFIC
idea! Let's go visit JOHN
BYRNE!"
"Hey, yeah! Everyone
loves fanzines with JOHN
BYRNE in them!"
"This'll be GREAT! Maybe
he'll say something about
HOMOS!"
[Chuck and Jim anticipate the John Byrne interview]
----
"[New York] is the place where if you have talent,
and you believe in yourself, and you show people
what you can do, then some day, maybe -- just
maybe -- you could get shoved in front of a moving
subway train."
-- Dave Barry
----
"What was the name of the
dog on the `Brady
Bunch'?"
"...Florence Henderson?"
[Unknown]
----
"Wow! Death by Stereo!"
[One of the Vampire-hunters from THE LOST BOYS]
----
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the
room, be sure that you're the one holding it."
-- Captain Combat
----
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
----
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
----
Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
----
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
----
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
[DAVID LETTERMAN!]
----
"DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU ARE COMING WITH ME."
[ROBOCOP]
----
"I *LIKE* IT!!"
[Deliquent w/cannon in ROBOCOP]
----
"...And I want a new
car... And I want the
city to pay for it all!"
"What kind of a car,
Miller?"
"Something with reclining
leather seats that goes
really fast and gets
really shitty gas
mileage."
[Frustrated city official from ROBOCOP]
----
"Murphy, I'm a mess!"
"That's OK. They'll fix
you. They fix
everything."
[Robocop]
----
"Boy, this would make a great TV series..."
[A vagrant TV executive, from CROSSFIRE]
----
"A scarred psyche is like a used Pinto... you can't
do anything with it."
-- David Addison
----
"Is there anyone on this ship who even...
remotely... resembles Satan, Mr. Spock?"
[Captain Kirk picks on Mr. Spock again]
----
"We call it SHADOWNET! Pretty cool, eh?"
[A delinquent hacker talks to the Shadow]
----
"But that's the way of *all* flesh, ennit?"
[John Constantine, boy psychic investigator]
----
"I see Liberace in a white
ermine coat."
"That's right, Riley
Thorp! And I've got
five more at home just
like it."
[Liberace returns from the dead in a bar. From BADGER]
----
"I know this creature. He
is the EMBODIMENT of EVIL
-- decades ago, his
machinations often brought
the world to the *BRINK*
of chaos!"
"Hey -- people change!"
[The Shadow and associates discuss Shiwan Khan. From THE SHADOW]
----
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards --
no one can say what is good or bad, although you
can be sure that everyone will."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
----
"Hello again, Peabody here..."
[The opening lines to almost every episode of PEABODY & SHERMAN]
----
"Discussing whether Black and White comics will
survive is like asking whether sex will survive
AIDS."
-- Will Eisner
----
"Color is like an orchestra playing behind a singer
too loud."
-- Will Eisner
----
"I'd like to ask Gary [Groth] to say something
nasty about this."
-- Will Eisner
----
"Expanding a comic line just to gain market share
is like... Marvel."
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"No, no, no, NO! Perverts are hired by MARVEL!"
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"I am absolutely without flaw, and don't you
f***ing forget it!"
-- Harlan Ellison
----
"We'll learn about Euro-Communism -- That's
communists who drive Porches."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on
'ludes."
-- Rick Obidiah
----
"We've repackaged Flagg. Basically, it's gonna
look like a box of Tide."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"Almost all Eskimo jokes have the same punch line
-- You know, he fell through the ice and died."
-- Larry Marder
----
"College... what a *disgusting* place."
[An observant quote from BEANS BAXTER]
----
"Captain America."
"Revamp him? Make him a
Commie or something?"
-- Mike Grell and Mark Gruenwald
----
"OK, but be careful. In my experience, Republican
women are harder to open than a liquor store in
Nebraska."
[Teddy's, err, Charlie's Angels spoof on SNL]
----
"To your left is the marina where several senior
cabinet officials keep luxury yachts for weekend
cruises on the Potomac. Some of these ships are
up to 100 feet in length; the Presidential yacht
is over 200 feet in length, and can remain
submerged for up to 3 weeks."
-- Garrison Keillor
----
"...in MAUS it
wouldn't have been
valid to have the
Nazis land in a
flying saucer."
"I was thinking
of that."
"But it had been done
before, right, Art?"
-- Elliot S! Maggin, Art Spiegelman, and
Lee Mars, respectively
----
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like
mysteries, social relevance, science fiction..."
-- Art Spiegelman
----
"One of the problems I've always had with
propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring
to look at. They're just badly designed. People
from the left often are very well-intended, but
they never had time to take basic design classes,
you know?"
-- Art Spiegelman
----
"...it's just what usually happens is propaganda
from the right is perceived as actuality, and
propaganda from the left is perceived as
propaganda..."
-- Art Spiegelman
----
"Pesky foreign espionage agents! Why don't they
let me be?"
[Lester Girls, lamenting on the lot of the Secret Agent]
----
"Listen, how about if you hit me instead, and then
my niece can finally see how two grown men can fit
into an aspirin bottle."
[Maggie's Aunt (the wrestler) with some advice for the youth of America]
----
"Dick... YOU'RE FIRED!"
*POW* *POW* *POW*
[The kind of executive order that REALLY results in termination. From ROBOCOP]
----
"Nice shooting, son.
What's your name?"
"MURPHY."
[From ROBOCOP]
----
"Welcome to Chicago. This town stinks like a
whorehouse at low tide."
[Sean Connery comments on The Windy City in THE UNTOUCHABLES]
----
"Mr. Ness! I do not
approve of your methods."
"Yeah? Well, you're not
from Chicago."
[THE UNTOUCHABLES]
----
"Before I begin, I'd like to recite the Lawyer's
Prayer:
Lord, please let there be strife and misery
among your people,
Lest your servant starve..."
[Clonezone takes on lawyers, from BADGER]
----
"Sir, if you'd pay ATTENTION instead of writing
your signature in drool on the table, you'd know."
[Clonezone takes on lawyers, from BADGER]
----
"You might have hidden
diplomatic talents."
"God, I hope not."
[Sundra and Horatio, from NEXUS]
----
"I'm on a mission from Grodd."
[An MTV gorilla, from SWAMP THING]
----
"Awh! Mothra!"
[SWAMP THING]
----
"THE VEIDT METHOD:
I will give you bodies
beyond your wildest imaginings."
[Another piece of Moore irony in WATCHMEN]
----
"...and the world's smartest man means no more to
me than its smartest termite."
[Dr. Manhattan against Adrian Veidt, in WATCHMEN]
----
"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never
compromise."
[Rorschach's only, fatal principle, from WATCHMEN]
----
"American comic books are militaristic propaganda!
And much too expensive!"
[Well, they are! From THE AMERICAN]
----
"Yeah... *cough*... that's right... rub it in...
*cough*... offed by a non-stick coating..."
[From THE AMERICAN]
----
"Hey, gimme five dollars!"
"Kid, does the name
Bernhard Goetz mean
anything to you?"
[From THE AMERICAN]
----
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
the moon and back... and none of them would be
complaining."
[Local Deadhead from THE SEATTLE TIMES]
----
"You know, there are times when it's a source of
personal pride to not be human."
-- Hobbes
----
"You READ this article,
Mom?"
"Damn it! Get your
gunboats off my kitchen
table!"
[Those crazy aviators from VALKYRIE!]
----
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because
Good is dumb."
[One of the two funny jokes in SPACEBALLS]
----
"Jack Putter... TO THE RESCUE!"
[Martin Short, adventurer, from the conclusion of INNER SPACE]
----
"Oh, relax -- enjoy it! When do you ever use
opposable thumbs, anyway?"
[Max looks at the silver lining, in ZOT!]
----
"Max, did you order a
talking monkey for this
set?"
"No, that's just a friend
of the family."
[Alternate Earth videos, from ZOT!]
----
"MR. DeGUZMAN, YOUR DAYS
ARE NUMBERED!"
"That's Harris. DeGuzman
is math."
"BAH! They're ALL
scoundrels..."
[Zack, looking desperately for evil, from ZOT!]
----
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical
experiments instead of rats?
a) There are more lawyers than rats.
b) The scientist's don't become as
emotionally attached to them.
c) There are some things that even rats
won't do for money.
[Anonymous]
----
"Enough of this running shit."
[Sean Connery on chase scenes, from THE UNTOUCHABLES]
----
"They only have two rules in the whole school: One,
you're not allowed to carry a gun, and two, you're
not allowed to walk on the roof."
-- Reed College rugby coach Peter
Carmine
----
"During the race
We may eat your dust,
But when you graduate,
You'll work for us."
-- Reed College cheer
----
"What, in my life, does not deserve celebrating?"
[Adrian Veidt's soliloquy to his late retinue, from WATCHMEN]
----
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man
in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one."
[Veidt's key phrase, from WATCHMEN]
----
"Riley, can you operate a
road grader?"
"Of COURSE! What kind of
a question is that?"
[What kind of a question IS that? A normal BADGER question, of course...]
----
"Oh... what's the easiest
way to explain a
coven..."
"A secret meeting place
for vampires."
"Why, yes. That's it.
Thank you."
[Terminology and the vampire, from HERO SANDWICH]
----
"Hello, Laughing Academy?
Please to send zee Viggy
Vagon to..."
"Richard, please..."
[The elastic joker from HERO SANDWICH]
----
"No time to fill our
pockets, Hempy! Looks
like Harrod's and drug
addictions for us after
all."
"Blast! I was hoping to
avoid that."
[Hempy's fate looks grim in DINOSAUR REX]
----
"...so, like everybody was rooted to the spot. He
picked up a little girl, and like, we'd all seen
FRANKENSTEIN, right? It was scary. Then he sits
her on his shoulder, an' everybody laughs and
claps. Man...
"Man, that was the *best*. Best moment of my
life."
[Chester, a social and cultural rarity: a good man. From SWAMP THING]
----
"This guy, North... does he ever get out of his
car?"
[Local Seattle Comic]
----
"In a blatant effort to curry favor with a French
judge and jury, accused Nazi war criminal Klaus
Barbie told a stunned courtroom in Lyon this week
that his favorite movie has always been `The Nutty
Professor'."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"Amid all the noise about the Joan Rivers
cancellation, ABC has canceled `Our World', which
featured Linda Ellerbee. The two unemployed women
plan to get together and open up a chain of charm
schools in Libya."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
TO THE CLASS OF 1987:
"Unfortunately, a full 16% of you will be
functionally illiterate. I'm afraid you'll have a
hard row to hoe in the job market; after all,
there are only so many staff positions at USA
Today."
-- A. Whitney Brown
----
"Since he's been in the White House, President
Reagan has gotten two hearing aids, a colon
operation, skin cancer, prostate surgery, and he's
been shot.
"And we, the American People, should always
remember these things... because he won't."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"The Washington Post reported yesterday that Jim
Bakker had been seen in the PTL steam room
frolicking nude with three other naked men; and
that a neglected Tammy Fay had had her breasts
enlarged, hoping for a Marilyn Monroe image.
"The collected Bakker history should inspire us all
to become true believers in a supreme higher power
that made sure, out of the five billion people in
this world, that these two creeps found each
other."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"I... AM NOT... A PACIFIST!"
[An angry defensive back explains to rednecks, in AMAZING GRACE AND CHUCK]
----
"Justice, like lightning, should ever appear
To some people, hope, and to other ones, fear."
[A slightly changed version of Tony Isabella's opening lines to BLACK
LIGHTNING]
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Nov. 19th:
White House spokesman Larry Speakes tries to
clarify the Iran Arms deal further but no
reporters show up because they're afraid they'll
wet their pants laughing.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- August 3rd:
Working in dark, cold and treacherous currents
far beneath the surface of North Atlantic water
lashed by Tropical Storm Dwayne R. LePoon Jr.,
divers for the first time are able to get an
"underwater eye" camera inside the wreck of the
Titanic and discover that the ill-fated luxury
liner had been operated by financially troubled
Eastern Air Lines.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 29th:
President Reagan announces that the SALT II
treaty is "dead" and that he will continue to
abide by it. White House press spokesman Larry
Speakes clarifies this by explaining that the
president "has no idea what he is saying."
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 14th:
Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the
local school district for teaching their
children the alphabet, which can be used to form
dirty words.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- June 2nd:
Canada demands that Libya send it some diplomats
so it can expel them.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- May 10th:
The official Soviet news agency Tass releases a
photograph of a city street scene, with the
caption: "All is well as citizens of Chernobyl
are resuming normal activities." Clearly visible
in the background is the Vatican.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Apr. 25th:
True Fact: The U.S. Government arrest 17 people
for allegedly attempting to sell arms to Iran.
This item will seem much funnier later on.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Apr. 11th:
After aerial reconnaissance photographs reveal
that Moammar el-Gadhafi is building a
375-foot-high middle finger near the highly
strategic Gulf of Sidra, an angry President
Reagan directs massive bombing raids against
various site in Liberia. Worldwide reaction to
the U.S. raids is mixed, the major criticism
being that the president probably meant to
attack Libya, which SOUNDS like "Liberia," but
is actually a different country. U.S. polls
show that 87% of Americans support the president
and think they "probably would have made the
same mistake."
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Mar. 20th:
Kurt Waldheim issues a statement claiming that
he missed World War II because of "car trouble."
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Mar. 6th:
In the Middle East, Iraq uses up all its young
men and has to borrow some from Iran so they can
keep having a war.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Feb. 20th:
President Reagan visits the island of Grenada to
commemorate the U.S. victory over communist
Cuban troops armed with sophisticated
construction equipment. Thousands of cheering
Grenadans turn out to watch Air Force One
gracefully touch down, then swoop back up into
the sky because Grenada is too short for an
actual landing.
----
DAVE BARRY'S "1986 in Review" -- Feb. 17th:
Under the careful scrutiny of crack State
Department observers, Filipino voters re-elect
President Ferdinand Marcos by more than 600
billion votes. Marcos, in a conciliatory mood,
calls for "a time of healing" followed by "a
time of giving people powerful electrical shocks
in their private parts."
----
Favorite Tabloid Headlines:
* Baby born with winning lotto ticket
* Princess Di to become an American
* Elvis' face appears in Maytag window during
rinse cycle
* Bigfoot ate my twins
* Jane Wyman: "Life with Ron prepared me for
'Falcon Crest' role"
* Why Mr. T. sleeps with a night-light
* Exclusive: Why Pulitzer panel shuns tabloids
[Extracted from a rec.humor article]
----
"What *are* you doing up
there, Reg?"
"Being heroic, Dom. It
was my turn."
[Blank Reg, being just that. From MAX HEADROOM]
----
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said
nothing."
[Mark Twain]
----
Jeff Meyer
of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the
amount of noise the cork makes when it is
popped.
----
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert
----
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If
everything did, you'd be out of a job.
----
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
----
Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody,
somewhere, will not hate it.
----
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
-- A. E. Housman
----
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied
to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of
its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it [balks] at pig.
[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
----
Second Coming is at hand."
-- James Watt
----
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a
sacrament.
[Gloria Steinhem]
----
"I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are
powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce."
-- J. Edgar Hoover
----
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make
this country what it once was... an arctic
wilderness."
-- Steve Martin
----
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so
things like that can't happen."
-- Young Richard Nixon on Teapot
Dome scandal
----
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have
another. I'd like to watch him have another."
[Anon. fortune]
----
[Fundamentalist] Christian:
One who believes that the New Testament is a
divinely inspired book admirably suited to
the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
----
Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
----
Noncombatant:
A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
----
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and
as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married
again."
-- Clint Eastwood
----
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
"Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?"
Gandhi:
"I think it would be a good idea."
----
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
----
"A lot of people I know believe in positive
thinking, and so do I. I believe everything
positively stinks."
-- Lew Col
----
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the
home, and, when they grow up, they will never be
able to edge their car onto a freeway.
[Anon. fortune]
----
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a
job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip
its head off.
[Anon. fortune]
----
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to
which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
[Anon. fortune]
----
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't
make it damnfoolproof.
----
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until
you can find a rock.
[Anon. fortune]
----
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous
functions?
[Anon. fortune]
----
Honorable:
Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.
In legislative bodies, it is customary to
mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
----
Experience is directly proportional to the
amount of equipment ruined.
----
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the
time, and some of the people all of the
time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
----
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled
conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
humidity, and other variables, the organism
will do as it damn well pleases.
----
Mad:
Affected with a high degree of intellectual
independence...
[Ambrose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY]
----
In Christian countries, the day after the
football game.
[paraphrased from Ambose Bierce, THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY -- he used baseball
instead]
----
When uncertain or in doubt,
Run in circles! Scream and shout!
[Dorable]
----
"President Reagan has advised the youth of America
that it is a good idea to practice total
abstinence from sex. And that is a good
suggestion, Mr. President... now tell it to the
Marines."
-- Mark Russell
----
"Well... everybody's being very careful, these
days, sexually, but there are still several
pockets of promiscuity... the Marines and the
Evangelists."
-- Mark Russell
----
"I get all these stories mixed up, the headlines
come so fast... the money, the money that the Rev.
Jim Bakker allegedly gave to that church
secretary: I want to know how much of that money
went to the Contras in Nicuraugua and I want to
know NOW!"
-- Mark Russell
----
"I suppose that for the next year-and-a-half the
stock market will shoot way up every time Howard
Baker walks out of the Oval Office and says, `He's
alert today!'"
-- Mark Russell
----
"`JUST A ROBOT?!' How would you like it if I
called you `Just a Jew?'"
[Luthor the robot loses his temper in AMERICAN FLAGG!]
----
"No FLACK! No HASSLES! No morons playing AL
CAPONE in the lobby!"
[Liz discusses the advantages of being a CPA in FORTUNE'S FRIENDS: Hell Week]
----
"Where I come from,
equality of the sexes is
a given -- so WE can hit
ANYONE."
"Oh... thank you... SO
much... for
explainnnn..."
[24th century manners, courtesty of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE]
----
"He'd make a fine addition
to the team, Batman... if
only he wasn't so lacking
in energy and
enthusiasm."
"We'll have to get him to
work on that."
[24th century manners, courtesty of THE JUSTICE LEAGUE]
----
"Splendid villain! Very exuberant!"
[Uncle Max rates criminals in ZOT!]
----
"Maybe you were right...
maybe I don't belong
here."
"Yeah, well, *I* do! YOU
showed me that."
[A truly moving sequence from ZOT!]
----
"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life,
free from compromise... and step into the shadow
now without complaint."
[Rorschach takes a rare look backward, from WATCHMEN]
----
"I simply cannot ride in a car that says, "Women's
Transit Authority" on the side."
[The Badger discusses the proprieties of driving in BADGER]
----
"I cook with gas, I ride in tractors,
I drink with deceased movie actors."
[Badger Rap, from BADGER]
----
"Now then. This is the situation. Roaches.
Millions of roaches acting together under the
direction of a human. Like me! Or Burt
Reynolds!"
[One man and 50,000 rats against an army of Roaches. BADGER]
----
"Stand by to be impressed."
[Lucifer tries to blow this joint. From STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"Sorry... Mort Weisinger got the better of me for a
sec."
[A moment of panick due to the Plasma Monkeys. From STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"I imagine you've guessed by now that these big
explosion panels are nothing more than an obvious
method of *greatly* reducing my penciling time."
[Ty Templeton footnotes how he Draws Comics. From STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"What's this? Your way of
saying you're sorry?"
"No... it's my way of
trying not to."
[Good writing from CROSSFIRE]
----
"My husband commits an
inconceivable act of
perversion with a
barnyard animal, and it's
not central to my case?!"
"Not in California."
[Arnie Becker discusses marital infidelities on L.A. LAW]
----
"Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with
the right combination of fats and sugar, it can
duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of
course, the same can be said of dirt."
[From THE CHOCOLATE BOOK]
----
The New IBM PERSONAL SYSTEM COMPUTERS:
Engineered... by Lawyers
[Jeff Meyer]
----
Michael O'Donoghue on Louise Lasser's SNL hosting:
"She was a nice woman going through a few
problems, but I wanted to force her to eat
her goddam pigtails at gunpoint."
-- "Saturday Night", Hill &
Weingrad
----
Michael O'Donoghue's letter to Mademoiselle Magazine:
"Dear Editors:
I couldn't help but be a bit irked when I
noticed that you and [photographer] Duane
Michals had cropped my head out of the
photograph that appears on page 121 of
your March issue. I'd like to come over
there and kick every one of you in the cunt
if I didn't think it would ruin my shine.
Michael O'Donoghue"
-- "Saturday Night", Hill &
Weingrad
----
"But now I am what I am today! A responsible
citizen, and besides that... I packs a rod!"
[BULLET CROW discusses gun control]
----
"I'm the luckiest rabbit in the WORLD! I'm going
to work for you, my hero... DICK DUCK, DUCK DICK!"
[A slight mistake in BULLET CROW]
----
"Hmmm... volcanic activity in the greater Sioux
City area."
[Weather conditions in BULLET CROW]
----
"Hi. I'm Luther. Dumb ol' Luther -- the happy
sidekick. The comedy relief. And I'm going to
kill you."
[Luthor's cybernetic logic finally gives, in AMERICAN FLAGG!]
----
"And the Angel of the Lord dropped upon him,
yea verily, saying:
My left hand carries iron,
The right one steel.
If the left don't gitcha,
Then the right one will."
[The Preacher gives his slightly warped version of scriptures, from GRIMJACK]
----
"...you thought you were alone, but you see,
there's monsters everywhere. Most of the time, ya
don't even need Gamma rays to let 'em out."
[Philosophy from THE HULK]
----
"To live outside the law, you must be honest."
-- Bob Dylan
----
"I love America. Electricity right from the wall,
anytime you want it."
[A Central American torturer discusses convenience, from THE PUNISHER]
----
"And God help whoever gets
in our way!"
"Dimitri...?"
"YES, Alexi?"
"We're not supposed to
believe in God."
"Oh. That's right."
[Faux pas on the part of some Russian Super-Soldiers, from THE JUSTICE
LEAGUE]
----
"Merry Christmas, scumwad."
[Norm Buntz's jolly wish to Belker's assailant on HILL STREET BLUES]
----
"That's the trouble with godhood: it robs you of
your finer judgement. A deity so rarely has to
*pay* for his mistakes!"
[The Midgard Serpent analyzes mythic concepts...]
----
"...while heroes... heroes have an infinite
capacity for stupidity! Thus are legends born!"
[...and THOR analyzes right back]
----
"HONK! HONK!"
[The BADGER in moralistic turpitude]
----
"Yes! The Animals! Possibly the greatest band
ever. Possibly not."
[The BADGER]
----
"And look... don't
threaten the customers.
They don't eat as much."
"I'll keep it in mind."
[Jezebel Jade comments on American service organizations, in JONNY QUEST]
----
"But you don't UNDERSTAND.
I've been doing this for
years now. There's a
flash of light. And I'm
on another planet."
"Yeah... Yeah, I
sometimes get that."
[Adam Strange attempts to explain his lifestyle, in SWAMP THING]
----
"Conquest."
"I had a premonition he
was going to say that."
[Cerebus -- who else?]
----
"But... surely, your
merciful Holiness... SOME
should be exempt from
such a draft?"
"EXEMPT?!
...
Oh, all *right*.
No DEAD people."
[Cerebus -- who else?]
----
"'Wit smoke and fire and fumes an' what-not comin'
outta dere nostrils... dey rep'esent youah
virility... Likewise wit' d'enormous bulge in
y'pants here."
[Portrait of a dictator... CEREBUS]
----
McDonald's new McSUSHI:
"America's Eating It Raw!"
[SNL]
----
"...for we have Vim... for we have Vigor...
for we have Advanced Nuclear Weaponry!"
[BULLET CROW's usual banter]
----
"Elektra. Over there. It's a flying dwarf."
[Strange doings in ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN]
----
"...you see, he thinks I'm crazy. And I'm the
President. So I've got the box. Damn Straight."
[The hilarious conclusion to ELEKTRA]
----
"Calling all units! Leading monster stampede
through the bottomlands to lower forty!... Set up
ambush on flanks!... Also, do not shoot me!...
Repeat!... Do not shoot me!!!"
[FLAMING CARROT vs the Giant Japanese Monsters!]
----
"That Flaming Carrot is a real fire-eater!... He'd
charge Hell with a bucket of gasoline!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"I shot 'em in the ears and blew their brains out!
I invented that!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"You know monsters... they're ALWAYS eating power
stations!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Hey, Flaming Carrot!...
What makes you so brave?"
"It's my birthday. Now
get outta here!"
[FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for
virginity."
[George Carlin]
----
"It is better to shred the bugger than to bugger
the shredder."
-- Ancient Doltic proverb.
----
"Taking drugs in the 60s, I tried to reach Nirvana,
But all I ever got were re-runs of The Mickey
Mouse Club."
-Rev. Jim
----
"The unique thing about the whole 'Masters of the
Universe' concept is that it combines sword and
sorcery with high tech, so you've got guys in
armor wielding swords, but they're also equipped
with lasers."
-- Gary Doddard, director of
'He-Man'
----
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own
identity, [He-Man is] an interesting role for an
actor."
-- Dolph Lundgren, actor[?!]
----
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going
on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
----
"She got drunker, and drunker... and then she
became Joan Collins!"
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
----
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life,
over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit
through the Ice Capades again."
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
----
"How the hell do I know why there are Nazis? I
don't know why the can opener works."
-- HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
----
"In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told
him that he would die unless he received $20
million by March, God's lawyers have stated that
their client has not spoken with Roberts for
several years. Off the record, God has stated that
`if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would
have done it a long time ago.'"
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
----
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
-- Hannah Arendt.
----
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
[Translation: What Jove may do,
is not permitted to a cow.]
[Ancient Phrase]
----
"AMERICA'S CUP FACT: Most of the people obsessed
with the America's cup are trendy jerks who hadn't
even heard of it a year ago."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"BEWARE, EVILDOERS, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"
-- The Masked Avenger
----
"Y'know, the world would be a beautiful place if it
certain people weren't in it."
-- RADIO DAYS
----
"I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be
careful not to drink too much, it's because he's
not to be trusted when he does."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, THE
MALTESE FALCON
----
"I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally
picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong
things. Talking's something you can't do
judiciously, unless you keep in practice. Now,
sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell you right
out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who
likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, THE
MALTESE FALCON
----
"You may be right, my faithful Indian companion."
-- RADIO DAYS
----
"Boy -- LOOKIT DEM GUNS!"
[Lustfull father in MR. MONSTER]
----
"Gosh, Mr. Monster...
You're SWELL! I wanna be
jus' like you when I grow
up!"
"Ha Ha! Well... OF
COURSE you do!"
[A sentimental moment in MR. MONSTER]
----
"All extremists should be taken out and shot."
[Anonymous]
----
"Hideous creatures from other dimensions!
What'll I do? What'll I DO?!"
[The BADGER considers an everyday problem]
----
"You'd think IBOB would forgive and forget the
seventeen guys I chopped up in Nepal. But
NOOOOOOOO..."
[The BADGER]
----
"Hope this is the RIGHT guy!"
[The BADGER]
----
"This is the type of situation where your personal
health insurance really comes into focus."
[The IBOB demon from THE BADGER]
----
"BACK, spawn of Satan!
It's the Reverend Wallace
Wallop you face, and my
strength is GREAT, for I
do HIS work! This is a
battery-powered water
pistol filled with HOLY
WATER! We don't hold
with the Papacy, but
Lord, LORD -- that Pope
can bless water like
NOBODY'S business!"
"Rambo him good in the
name of the Lord."
[The Rev. Wallace Wallop (and the Missus) dispatch yet another Hellspawn]
----
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
----
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and
the vegetable!"
[Seymour from LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS]
----
Any philosophy that can be put in a nut shell,
belongs there.
[Anonymous]
----
"From Sharp minds come... pointed heads."
-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
----
There are two kinds of egotists:
1) Those who admit it
2) The rest of us
[Anonymous]
----
[From Prince Ra-Man's predictions for 1987]
3/29/86: Marvel continues to prove that the New
Universe is more true-to-life, by
canceling three of the titles -- just
as would happen to *real* comic books
that are incredibly bad.
4/2/86: Rebounding from the demise of the
three New Universe titles, Marvel
announces that they will be replaced
by three new mini-series set to run in
the second half of the year: X-Men vs.
the G.I. Joes, X-Men vs. the Ewoks,
and X-Men vs. Jarvis the Butler.
-- R. A. Jones
----
"How dare they jail me! Those freedom-loving
American JERKS!"
[Godless Commie Scientist from ATOMIC MAN COMICS]
----
"Who could be attacking me in my own home? Egor
Green? Galxor of Xaytan? Horrortroy the
DevilDog? Dr. Stardust? Bug Boy? Or some new
bozo with a bad attitude?"
[Atomic Man!]
----
"Well, we must face a new reality. No more
carefree days of chasing squirrels, running
through the park, or howling at the moon. On the
other hand, no more `Fetch the stick, boy, fetch
the stick.'"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Thunderstick?... You actually said
`Thunderstick'?... That, my friend, is a
Winchester 30.06."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen... The
world's climates are changing, the mammals are
taking over, and we all have a brain about the
size of a walnut."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Really, I'm confident
that when all the facts
are in, you'll see that
there's no cause for
interdepartmental
tension..."
"THIS before
breakfast..."
[A disembodied head from ELEKTRA: ASSASSIN]
----
"I've heard all kinds of sounds from these things,
but `yabba dabba doo' was a new one to me."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Notice all the computations, theoretical
scribblings, and lab equipment, Norm. ... Yes,
curiosity killed these cats."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Sure, I'll draw, mister -- but first you gotta say
the magic word... Didn't your mother ever teach
you the magic word?"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"A cat killer? Is that a face of a cat killer?
Cat CHASER, maybe. But hey -- who isn't?"
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Well, Mr. Cody, according to our questionnaire,
you would probably excel in sales, advertising,
slaughtering a few thousand buffalo, or market
research."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
"Remember me, Mr. Schneider? Kenya, 1947. If
you're going to shoot an elephant, Mr. Schneider,
you better be prepared to finish the job."
[The Far Side, by Gary Larson]
----
[sung to "The Ballad of the Green Berets"]
Fighting soldier
In Vietnam,
The perfect son
To any Mom,
He's one part man,
One part machine,
He's Ollie North,
The Mute Marine.
[...]
He traded arms
With Iran
For hostages --
What a great plan!
The chances for
Success were zero;
Yet he's still
A national hero.
[...]
He'd like to talk
But cannot speak,
His will is strong,
His case is weak;
We may never know
Just what he's seen:
The man they call,
The Mute Marine.
-- Saturday Night Live
----
"What IS a `moderate Iranian', anyway? Someone who
takes hostages but doesn't eat them?"
-- Mark Russell
----
"Badger, what kind of
amplifier should I get?"
"A BIG one."
[The Badger giving out Hi-Fi advice]
----
"Oh, No! My heart is racing! The metamorphosis
has started! It's too late -- I can't stop it!
I'll be that ugly green monster -- hated and
hunted! I'm...
I'm...
I'm GUMBY, Dammit!"
[From BOFFO LAUGHS]
----
"A keyboard... how quaint."
[Engineer Scott gives his considered opinion of a Macintosh -- Star Trek IV]
----
"I liketh a band that playeth the oldies."
-- David Addison
----
"I've been kicking Reagan all the time he's been
up; I see no reason to stop now that he's down."
-- Jeff Meyer
----
"So you're from outer
space!"
"Actually, I'm from Iowa;
I just WORK in outer
space."
[Captain Kirk on careers -- Star Trek IV]
----
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us
off, and we'll bomb your cities."
-- Robin Williams
----
[Lester Maddox talking to Prime Minister Botha of
South Africa]
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country,
ya got 14 million black people, and 3 million
white people.
"Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything to you?"
-- Robin Williams
----
"Dan, you risked your LIFE
for cheap sex?"
"You say that as if it
were a bad thing."
[Harry and Dan from NIGHT COURT]
----
Frank Miller and Lynn Varley's Christmas wish:
"We would like to have Jerry Falwell, Lyndon
LaRouche, and Pat Robertson chained to a radiator
while Harlan Ellison reads them the U.S.
Constitution."
[From THE COMIC BUYER'S GUIDE, a Christmas wish from two of the creators of
DARK KNIGHT]
----
"Well, Chas, it's like this... I'm under psychic
domination by a ninja assassin with magic powers
with a body almost as good as yours who needs to
kill Ken Wind because he's possessed by a demon.
How've you been?"
[Agent Garret tries to summarize his situation to a colleague... from
ELEKTRA]
----
"A gentleman representing
a Slavic country has
offered me $100 million
to destroy the American
wheat crop. What do you
say?"
"You don't crap where you
sleep."
[Ham presents THE BADGER with an economic enigma...]
----
"No heavy pitch!
No lame digression!
We're at the peak
Of our profession!"
[Jaques expounds on CLONEZONE's skills as a video tech]
----
"Because I live in the hearts and minds of everyone
who believes in TRUTH, JUSTICE and THE AMERICAN
WAY. And that is bigger than you. Bigger than
anyone who tries to make me in their own image."
[From THE MAN OF RUST]
----
"You have to ask. Just once in your life, you have
to ask."
-- Irwin Bernstein
[A truism from the long-suffering DA on HILL STREET BLUES (played by George
Wyner)]
----
FLUKE MINUTE SAFETY TEST:
In case of fire, save the
a. women and children.
b. expensive equipment.
c. jewelry and wallets of those who've
succumbed to smoke inhalation.
[Originally a part of a Sane Man quiz -- I abscounded with it]
----
"None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here
with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME."
[Rorschach sets people straight. WATCHMEN #6]
----
"Even in 1956, when informed of his mother's brutal
murder, he restricted his comments to one word:
`Good.'"
[From the medical report on Rorschach. WATCHMEn #6]
----
"Bumbling? BUMBLING? You can't even speak
English, and you're INSULTING people?"
[An angry accountant from MERC]
----
"What mistakes have you made, Lieutenant? You kept
the media away from it. That's the bottom line,
isn't it? Yes it is."
[Lt. Gordon gets a lecture on departmental priorities. From BATMAN: YEAR 1]
----
"All I want to do is read ONE good comic book
before I go COMPLETELY blind!"
[The GNATRAT complains again...]
----
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
[Anonymous]
----
"This guy wants to be in the White House because
Jesus told him. Jesus woke him up and went:
`Pssst. Pat. Pat. Yeah, it's Jesus, man. Hey,
hey, I want you to run for president.'"
-- Sam Kinison
----
"It's like: `JESUS TOLD ME TO! NOW WHAT?'"
-- Sam Kinison
----
"You know, I remember when the Lord spoke to me and
said to go into radio. And that was about the
time Jesus said 'Expand your ministry into the
television area.' And that was about the time
Jesus spoke to me and said to put out a satellite
so the government couldn't control our
transmissions. And it was about that time that
Jesus came to me and begin to explain to me the
non-profit corporation principle. Yeah, and then
Jesus told me to build an amusement park, it would
be non-profit. YAH!" [rude gesture]
-- Sam Kinison
----
"A-B-C-D-E-F-G,
Sell your story to TV,
How you turned in Mom & Dad --
Wasn't Mrs. Reagan glad?"
-- Mark Russell
----
Robin Williams on engineering majors:
"We don't get laid much, but we're building the
future."
----
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."
-- David Letterman
----
"This is no time to act like a gentleman. I am a
cad and shall react like one."
-- George Sanders
----
"What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be
directed by Lubitsch, in a script by Wilder and
Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two
superstars, Gary Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and
to be beaten up by both of them!"
-- David Niven, BRING ON THE
EMPTY HORSES
----
"I thought I told you to SHUT UP!"
-- Reid Fleming, World's Toughest
Milkman
----
"WHO'S TARIM, NECROSS!!?"
"NO! PLEASE! I'LL GIVE
YOU ALL THE GOLD! EVERY
COIN!"
"*WHO*?!"
"YOU ARE! **YOU**!"
"damn right."
[CEREBUS and The Big Stone Guy go at it...]
----
"Sorority girls! I'll get
you sorority girls!"
"Nah...."
[Christine tries to find a substitute for the obligation she owes Dan --
from NIGHT COURT]
----
"You've just killed a small animal. It's time for
a light beer."
-- Robin Williams
----
It was pity stayed his hand.
"Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.
-- BORED OF THE RINGS
----
"This... this is a great pig."
[Ham expresses his appreciation in THE BADGER]
----
"Don't believe a word she says, Monsieur! The
sheep, they are all LIARS!"
[A French citizen attempting to dissuade THE BADGER]
----
"Bah! You can't make a sow's ear out of a cheap
thug!"
[Ham re-iterates one of Circe's old complaints in THE BADGER]
----
Who says you can't have it all?
a. Michelob Light.
b. Heidegger.
c. The IRS.
-- A sane man
----
A good USENET motto would be
a. "Together, a strong community."
b. "Computers R Us."
c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll
just fuck around for a while on company
time."
-- A Sane Man
----
"He didn't run for reelection. `Politics brings
you into contact with all the people you'd give
anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, LAKE
WOBEGONE DAYS
----
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd
buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off,
wouldn't you?"
-- Garrison Keillor
----
Seen in TV Guide, describing
the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_:
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and
nearly kills Captain Kirk."
----
"And I'm a respected psychiatrist!"
[Frasier Crane discussing homicidal tendencies towards Diane to Sam on
CHEERS]
----
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."
[The police commisioner on SLEDGE HAMMER laments the death of his bodyguard]
----
"I know what I'm doing. Trust me."
[The motto of SLEDGE HAMMER]
----
"That man makes Rambo look like Pee-Wee Herman."
[The description of SLEDGE HAMMER]
----
"Hiyo God Damn Silver."
[Oliver Queen in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
----
"She has decades-- *decades*, left to her..."
[Wayne comments on Robin in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
----
"Who *was* that spud?
Talks like my dad."
"He used to fight crime."
[Robin and Wayne discuss Oliver in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
----
"Nothing we can't handle, folks. We're still
America... and I'm still President."
[Ronnie Regan as Mr. Reassuring in THE DARK KNIGHT FALLS]
----
"Isn't tonight a school night?"
[Superman asks an interrogative of a traunt Robin in a tank in THE DARK
KNIGHT FALLS]
----
"You gotta be cruel to be kind..."
[Nick Lowe]
----
"Oh, dear Heavens, it's --
*gasp* -- the ROGUES!"
"Lovely reading,
Elvira... you should
have gone into theatre."
[Those experts from the Institute for Hyper-Normal Conflicts, in BLUE DEVIL]
----
"Hi. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.
Please leave your name and number... and after
I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to
the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP."
[And the Devil Himself, from BLUE DEVIL]
----
"He's our leader! The wisest of us all! At least,
that's what my parents always say."
[Just another misguided super-ape from BLUE DEVIL]
----
"Look at that! It's
AMAZING!"
"You're right! How does
he manage to speak and
blow the pipe at the
SAME TIME?!"
[And DC continuity is wrecked again in BLUE DEVIL]
----
"And *this* -- this is for losing my new luggage,
you SLIMEBALL!"
[Race Bannon finally loses his temper in JONNY QUEST]
----
"DAMMIT, MacAlistaire...
you'll *live* longer in
civilization."
"Jest seems longer."
[MacAlistaire and the poet part (finally) in Journey]
----
"You FIEND! What have you
done with Daisy?"
"You IDIOT! She's
arranging transportation
to France!"
"You TROGLADYTE! What's
in France?"
"Truffles, you demented
bandicoot!"
[Badger and Ham having a Tiff... in THE BADGER]
----
"You think this hat is stupid?"
[Another stylistic MERC...]
----
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of
God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."
-- Fran Lebowitz
----
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair
done in the library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
----
"Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you
will consider us again when your travel plans next
include bombing Tripoli."
[Anonymous Netter]
----
"He who uses an 8088 will be reincarnated as one."
[Anonymous Netter]
----
"I think we should stop looking for issues to
discuss. I think we should shut up and get to
work."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"I use more sex than violence 'cause I know more
about it."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"In a few years, I think we'll be marketing Marvel
Comics like computer software."
-- Archie Goodwin
----
"Creative people all come in and want their stuff
printed on gold leaf."
-- Jim Shooter
----
"We all have the capability for a good idea. We
should have the ability to protect them, and the
wisdom to share them."
-- Jack Kirby
----
"CRISIS erased the mistakes of the last 50 years.
It's up to us to make the mistakes for the NEXT 50
years."
-- Marvel Wolfman
----
"It's really difficult to sympathize with someone
who can bounce bullets off his chest."
-- Frank Miller
----
"You must understand that I find The Batman a very
noble character."
-- Frank Miller
----
"Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC."
[Anonymous Netter]
----
"Evil... pure and simple, from the Eighth Dimension!"
[Our Man Buckaroo, seeing evil where no one else can... BUCKAROO BANZAI]
----
"Yes, it would be the easy way... but it wouldn't
be the COWBOY way."
-- Ranger Doug
[From the musical group RANGERS IN THE SKY]
----
"If I were going to create a New Universe, I'd rest
on the seventh day."
-- Jack Kirby
----
"Catharsis is something I associate with
pornography and crossword puzzles."
-- Howard Chaykin
----
"Each Man must stand on his own!... Must answer to
his own God!... I will probably WIN though..."
-- Flaming Carrot
----
"Brother against brother!... Friend against
friend!! DENTIST against DENTIST!!!"
[Things go from bad to worse in FLAMING CARROT]
----
"In fact, Life *itself* is
looking pretty
meaningless, if not
outright UGLY."
"`Hill Street Blues' into
reruns again?"
[Milo and Binkley discuss enui... BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"Look at him! Just *look*
at him! What's he doing?"
"Scratching his head."
"...with his foot. I
quit!"
[... and Opus looks at wrestling. BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"I am FLAMING CARROT! Even best friends fear me a
little!"
----
"I am grim... and harsh... and ripe with fury! I
fight and kill and howl and get *all bloody*! I
go bowling whenever I want!"
[The Carrot's statements on life...]
----
"Guess who's not hiding anymore? Ha-ha-ha!"
[...and fair play. FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Kid -- riding a buffalo is dangerous! Keep the
change and buy yourself a gravity knife and some
fireworks."
[Sound advice from THE BADGER]
----
"WHY!! It's the CULMINATION, son! The NEXUS point!
The HOLE in the DONUT! The EVENT of the
MILLENIUM! The GREATEST story ever TOLD, son! And
YOU, I say, YOU ARE THERE!"
[Elrod the Albino at a turnpike in history, in, ah say in, CEREBUS]
----
"...and then, of course, there's
what's-his-name... the one who lives in
Metropolis."
[Batman cites precidents for inhuman sexual behavior in SWAMP THING]
----
"Get away from her, you BITCH!"
[You wanna argue with a Woman Waldo? ALIENS]
----
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid."
[That lovable android from ALIENS]
----
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm
caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin
Edwards
----
Kentucky: The state that needs Japan to bring it
into the 20th century.
[Anonymous Net Poster]
----
They seek him here, they seek him there;
They seek that scoundrel everywhere!
Is he in space, or traveling time?
That damned Napoleon of Crime!
[Moi]
----
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
* Hourly motel rates
* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
* Didn't just give up right away during World War II
like some countries we could mention
* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
* Our well-behaved golf professionals
* Fabulous babes coast to coast
----
"What do you mean... `NO MORE BODIES'!?"
[A very perturbed NoMan]
----
"But your creed, your
ethos... it was one of
your most appealing
features."
"You know, Larry,
sometimes I say
things... and
afterwards, I can't
remember saying them."
[The Yak and The Badger debate philosophy]
----
"They seek him here, they seek him there... they
seek that Snowman everywhere! Is he in Youngstown
-- or Cincinnati? That damned, elusive, two-ton
Yeti?"
[The Badger, In Search]
----
"I am out there saving the world from Commies and
Martians who will eat your feet... and he's making
peanut brittle in my washer!"
[The Flaming Carrot bitches...]
----
"Gosh, Dr. Heller... even
your Death Ray doesn't
work!"
"By Gar! How do you kill
a dead dog?"
[Flaming Carrot and Dr. Heller try to, err, kill, a dead dog]
----
"Flaming Carrot!"
"I win!... I defeated
DEAD DOG!"
"But how?"
"I wacked it apart with
two-by-four!"
[The secret to any battle, by my main man FC]
----
"Didja think one tool
would change the world?
We're a symbol -- the
whole Star Key
experiment... we're a
walkin' allegory!"
"Oh, yeah? An allegory
of what?"
"Of a good guy doin' a
good job, no matter what
it takes!"
[Flyin' Ryan and Steelgrip Starkey]
----
"I'm going to kill
everyone in this room."
"Now that's DARN rude."
[The Joker visits David Letterman]
----
"From the beginning, I knew... that there was
nothing wrong with you... that I can't fix... with
my hands..."
[Archtypical Dark Knight]
----
"Whatever happened to
him?"
"Uh, well, he pulled it
on Rorschach and
Rorschach dropped him
down an elevator shaft."
[A Rorschach pique is discussed]
----
"You can shoot... the animals... in the forest...
but you cannot... shoot the *forest*."
[Nature and the Swamp Thing]
----
"Warning... Me--? YOU... are warning... ME...?"
[Nature and the Swamp Thing]
----
"Contempt? Yes. Yes, I think that's the word.
Contempt."
[Abby Cable comments on the US courts in SWAMP THING]
----
"I feel the Need..."
"The Need..."
"FOR SPEED!"
[Maverick and Goose in _TOP_GUN_]
----
"...pull upward slowly, lock elbow and apply
pressure while pummeling opponent's skull with
folding chair..."
[Wide World of Wrestling with Opus in BLOOM COUNTY]
----
"He's going to kill me. I KNOW it. That's the
kind of day it's been."
[One of those days for the Black Cat]
----
"Yow! A genuine MARK OF
THE DEVIL vomit bag! I
can't throw up into this!
*GLUG*"
"My hat!"
[The Badger samples Aussie hospitality]
----
"Addison, what are we
going to do?"
"Me, I'm examining the
major Western religions.
I'm looking for
something that's soft on
morality, generous with
holidays, and has a
short initiation
period."
[Dave and Maddie on Moonlighting]
----
"Don't worry son, the marines don't mind killing
Martians."
[Army philosophy in _Invaders_from_Mars_]
----
"...wow, look at all the spiders. I GUESS that's a
good sign."
-- overheard at the public beach,
Rancho Seco Nuclear Power Plant
cooling lake.
----
"Mayor of Kiev Declares May Indoor Sports Month"
-Pravda
----
I will not drink!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk!
But if I do...
I will not in public!
But if I do...
I will not fall down!
But if I do...
I will fall face down so that they cannot
see my Fluke badge.
[Fellow Flukie]
----
"You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the
Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
-- Rorschach (1985)
----
"Is that a real poncho... I mean
Is that a Mexican poncho or is that a Sears poncho?"
[Frank Zappa, "Camarillo Brillo"]
----
"The doctor said I had dain bramage... But my
friends don't know what 'dat shit is."
[Seen on Net]
----
Definition of STRESS: That confusion created when
one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke
the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it!
[fortunes program]
----
"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets
me get in and out of dangerous situations - I work
for a federal task force doing a survey on urban
crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number
you can call, that will put you through to our
central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call - they'll
confirm who I am.
"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have
destroyed it."
-- Captain Freedom
[Dennis Dugan as Captain Freedom on Hill Street Blues]
----
"Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody
stops eating before he bursts."
[Local Seattle comedian]
----
"Women: can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em."
-- David Addison
----
"Danger, you haven't seen
the last of me!"
"No, but the first of you
turns my stomach!"
[The Firesign Theatre's NICK DANGER]
----
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and
getting out of the way before it is understood.
[The fortunes program]
----
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
-- Russian Proverb
----
The church is near but the road is icy, the bar is
far away but I will walk carefully.
-- Russian Proverb
----
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If
your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them
down people's throats."
-- Howard Aiken
----
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean
`not really.'"
-- David Parnas
----
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience
comes from bad judgement."
-- Jim Horning
----
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk
away from it."
-- C. Schulz
----
"APL is a write-only language. I can write
programs in APL, but I can't read any of them."
-- Roy Keir
----
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians
and all those who make empty prophecies. The
danger already exists that mathematicians have
made a covenant with the devil to darken the
spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell."
-- St. Augustine
----
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
-- F. Borquin
----
"I've finally learned what `upward compatible'
means. It means we get to keep all our old
mistakes."
-- Dennie van Tassel
----
"Take your work seriously but never take yourself
seriously; and do not take what happens either to
yourself or your work seriously."
-- Booth Tarkington
----
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and
prosecute live ones."
-- Nathaniel Howe
----
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my
work. I want to achieve immortality through not
dying."
-- Woody Allen
----
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm
wearing Milkbone underware."
-- Norm from CHEERS
----
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to
Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die
either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I
embrace your principles or your mistress".
----
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"
-- Bugs Bunny
----
"I am not a number! I am a free man!"
-- Number Six
----
"Watch me pace this pathetic palooka with a perfect
paralyzing packedermus percussion pitch."
[Looney Tunes, Baseball Bugs (1946, Friz Freleng)]
----
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR ... you-know-who."
[Looney Tunes, Stupor Duck (1956, Robert McKimson)]
----
"Perhaps you know some of my friends: Count of
Basie, Earl of Hines, Cab of Calloway, Satchmo of
Armstrong?"
[Looney Tunes, Knight-Mare Hare (1955, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor
deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin
Hood."
[Looney Tunes, Robin Hood Daffy (1958, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I am Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion
und a yacht."
[Looney Tunes, Hare Brush (1955, Friz Freleng)]
----
"Would I turn on the gas
if my pal Mugsy were in
there?"
"You might, rabbit, you
might!"
[Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)]
----
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich."
[Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)]
----
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be
the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
[Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)]
----
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY
disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it
disintegrates. [pulls trigger] Well, what you do
know... it disintegrated."
-- DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24-1/2
CENTURY!!
[Looney Tunes, Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century (1953, Chuck Jones)]
----
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the
Wabbit!"
[Looney Tunes, What's Opera Doc? (1957, Chuck Jones)]
----
"I DO want your money, because GOD wants your
money!"
[The Reverend from _Repo_Man_]
----
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and
guaranteed for all time. The terror of their
tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
----
"It's a place that falls off maps."
-- Frank Furrillo
----
"Where do you place your hate?"
-- Henry Goldblum
----
"The lights are on,
but you're not home;
Your will
is not your own;
Your heart *sweats*,
Your teeth *grind*;
Another kiss
and you'll be mine...
You like to think that you're immune to
the stuff
(Oh Yeah!)
It's closer to the truth
To say you can't get enough;
You know you're gonna have to face it,
*You're addicted to Love!*"
-- Robert Palmer
----
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth
shut and I'll eat him."
[Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_]
----
"And we heard him exclaim
As he started to roam:
`I'm a hologram, kids,
please don't try this at home!'"
-- Bob Violence
[Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence]
----
"So REMEMBER:
Black is BLACK and White is WHITE,
The more they MEET the more they FIGHT.
The line BETWEEN them was never more REAL
So eat your BEANS at every MEAL."
-Mr. Bug
[Ambush Bug spoofs Mr. A]
----
"Putz Beer. From the people who brought you
Schmuck Lager."
[TV ad in Hell from STIG'S INFERNO]
----
"It is indeed a sad commentary when it's easier to
send a person 500 years into the past than across
town."
[Judah Macabee comments on Time-Travel in Cynosure]
----
"What are you guys? Pro
Wrestling or something?"
"That's exactly right."
"Not me. I'm an air traffic
controller."
[Woman clerk addressing Judah and The Badger, respectively]
----
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the
INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."
[Bob Violence Again]
----
"I SAID I LOVE ALL MANKIND *DAMMIT*!!"
[A deity from CEREBUS]
----
"You know, sir, that there
*is* a precedent for
wheelchair detectives..."
"Shut up, Alfred."
[Alfred with good advice for Bruce Wayne. Frank Miller's DARK KNIGHT]
----
"But isn't there some
other way to call him?"
"At least a dozen."
"Then WHY?"
"To let them know,
Merkel, to let EVERYONE
know. Hit it."
[Commissioner Gordon talks about re-lighting the Bat-Signal from Miller's
DARK KNIGHT]
----
"Queens borough president Donald Mannis, charged with
receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts,
resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote
more time to impending litigation, some of which
might emanate from a recent statement he made
comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin
Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said
they are weighing the odds of a slander suit.
"Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment,
but we chose not to listen."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently
about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American
advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign:
`Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford
Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller
[The TV anchorman of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update]
----
"Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!"
[The University of Wallamaloo Philosphy Dept. Sketch, via Monty Python]
----
"Well, I'm glad you didn't
do something *sensible*...
such as use the *spare*!"
"Spare? Spare what?"
[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
----
"All this self-sacrifice is *nauseating*!"
[An agent of Death meets the locals in the new Twilight Zone]
----
"So gather the kids, a dog... Grandma... and lock
them in another room."
-- Orson Welles
----
"If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my
sacred duty to bash him to a pulp."
[Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero]
----
Real World, The (n.)
1: The place generally used when referring to
non-programming activities. 2: Where a
computer science student goes after
graduation; used pejoratively ("poor slob,
he got his degree and had to go out into THE
REAL WORLD"). Among programmers, discussing
someone in residence there is not unlike
talking about a deceased person.
[THE HACKER'S DICTIONARY]
----
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags
do not wave in a vacuum."
--Arthur C. Clarke
----
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."
--Gallagher
----
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a
plumber on weekends."
--Woody Allen
----
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental
characteristic of Western religion, Rejection
without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science."
-- Gary Zukav from THE DANCING
WU LI MASTERS
----
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI
programs are?"
-- Peter Oakley
----
Benson's Dogma:
ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
[Gary Benson]
----
"The race may not always be to the swift nor the
battle to the strong, but it's a good idea to bet
that way."
-- O. L. Bear
----
Behind every successful man,
is a very surprised woman.
[Another anonymous fortune]
----
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."
-- Bob Dylan
----
"I couldn't remember when I had been so
disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out
that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand..."
-- Peter Oakley
----
"Flaming Carrot!... Do
you see Communists behind
every bush?"
"No... but SOMETIMES they
hide there."
[Who else but... FLAMING CARROT! Save the day! You bet!]
----
"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write
much better with a word processor.', I replied,
`They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
----
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't
oppose Gestapo tactics WITH Gestapo tactics?"
-- Reuben Flagg
----
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's
observation of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday,
when the following will be closed:
- Governmental offices
- Post offices
- Libraries
- Schools
- Banks
- Parts of Palm Beach
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North
Carolina."
-- Dennis Miller
----
"For I too am real. I am Schmendrick the Magician,
the last of the red-hot swamis, and I am older
than I look."
[Schmendrick the Magician, from Beagle's _The_Last_Unicorn_]
----
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like
`Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a
jerk for nothing."
-- Ian Shoales
----
"I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE
should be rated X because parents were taking
their children to see it. So what? Why should
the motion-picture industry be responsible for our
morality?
Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.'
`What's it about?'
`Human scum who kill each other over
cocaine deals.'
`Sounds great! Let's take the kids!'"
-- Ian Shoales
----
"And I heard Jeff exclaim,
as they strolled out of sight,
`Merry Christmas to all
-- you take credit cards, right?'"
[A panel from THE OUTSIDERS that I found appropriate for myself]
----
"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all
on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they
couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that
life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and
ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only
reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a
bunch of misfits and losers."
[A analysis of Neo-Nazis I agree with from THE BADGER]
----
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of
Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher
percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden
moves around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
----
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's
hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your
destination, say to your driver, `Pay? I was
hitchhiking.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"There was an interesting development in the
CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that
after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little
things that annoyed him during the trial."
-- David Letterman
----
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated
Almanac, the best place to live in America is the
city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in
twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't
care too much. Because we know that we could beat
up their city anytime."
-- David Letterman
----
Jeff Meyer
this week, Secretary of State George Schultz was
asked what he considered his proudest
accomplishment. He said, `Winning the office
pools on Andropov *and* Chernenko.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Interesting poll results reported in today's New
York Post: people on the street in midtown
Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the
US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said
yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said `Gimme
a quarter?'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard
phrases in New York City. One is `Hey, taxi.'
Two is, `What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?' And three is, `Don't worry.
It's just a flesh wound.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back
from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a
tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new
Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
-- David Letterman
----
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to
a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman
Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three
fourteen-year-olds.'"
-- David Letterman
----
"Based on what you know about him in history books,
what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if
he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his
coffin."
-- David Letterman
----
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
television with pool cues, who would win?
1) Ricky Schroder.
2) Gary Coleman.
3) The television viewing public."
-- David Letterman
----
"Looks like this ain't our mummy. See?
Out-of-state plates."
[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
----
"I'm tellin' you, Willie
Joe, this ain't right.
Lynchin' ain't fer
mummies. Lynchin's fer
rustlers."
"Lynchin's fer
EVERYBODY!"
[The "Mummy Daddy" episode of Amazing Stories]
----
"You are so *lovely*."
"Yes."
"Yes! And you take a
compliment, too! I like
that in a goddess."
[The "Guilt Trip" episode of Amazing Stories -- Dom Deluise (Guilt) & Loni
Anderson (Love)]
----
"Oh no, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very
very pretty."
[Love from above title]
----
"I'm great at love, but
I'm lousy at commitment."
"Commitment's nice.
You'd like her. She's
got heavy legs, but
she's a lotta laughs. I
met her at a wedding."
[Love & Guilt from above reference]
----
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect
week... where we found each other, and loved each
other... and then let each other go before anyone
had to seek professional help."
[Love from above reference]
----
"I am the Shadow Man, and
*I* will never harm the
person under whose bed
*I* live."
"Glad to hear it, my
man... Hey, don't stay
out too late, and when
you get back, make sure
you shut the window."
[An unusual roomie from The Twilight Zone episode "The Shadow Man"]
----
"Addison, will you get
serious!"
"Serious? I just had my
hand on your behind; if
I get any more serious,
they'll move us to
cable!"
[Addison and Maddy from "Moonlighting"]
----
"Hayl, you know an' I know that th' only way in th'
world we can get that kind o' money is if we found
a bottle of Coke with a mouse in it."
[Randy Quaid explains funding to Pee-Wee Herman on a SNL episode]
----
"Listen, Kalina, I can either be Johnny Nemo or I
can be careful -- I can't be both!"
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
----
"Eddie the Mouth was a vicious animal. But he was
one of the old-time vicious animals and as such
had some kind of moral code. It wasn't much of a
moral code, but it was better than nothing..."
[That fearless Private Dick of the future, Johnny Nemo, from JONNY NEMO]
----
"All the soil will be fruitful beyond man's needs;
and human beings shall fornicate unceasingly."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN,
Geoffrey of Monmouth
[An old book I got from a friend -- Geoffrey was apparently translating
Merlin's prophecies]
----
"Monks in their cowls shall be forced into marriage
and their lamentation will be heard on the
mountain-peaks."
-- THE PROPHECIES OF MERLIN,
Geoffrey of Monmouth
----
"Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for
doing Cerebus is to give wives and girlfriends of
comics fans at least one comic book they can
read."
-- Dave Sim
----
"Never send a MAN to do a
WOMAN'S work! Why do you
think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my
ego, that was for damn
sure."
[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
----
"While not a master of
intellect, the blatantly
obvious things WE often
take for granted never
escape HIS keen eye!"
"Horse."
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"From high atop the battered ramparts of truth and
freedom... he took arms against the wicked teeming
minions of infamy, reprobation, crime, subversion
and wanton incontinence!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"Simple, candid, crazed and madcap
(quintessentially retarded) our hero fights an
with a PLUCK and SPIRIT that is totally American
to the core!!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"A vicious firebrand of
Law and Order, his
FOAMING WRATH is
MIGHTY!... Yet his heart
flows over with warmth
and human kindness to all
the good and honest
people!"
"You're hurt pretty bad,
Mister... have some
Wheaties!"
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER
DEALS to come!"
[Firesign Theatre, Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers]
----
"Beware! Your brain may no longer be the boss."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying,
you are probably hallucinating."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF AN ALIEN ATTACK:
ONE) Hide beneath the seat of your plane and
look away.
TWO) Avoid eye contact.
THREE) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact."
[Firesign Theatre, Everything you know is Wrong]
----
"I'm as doomed as doomed can be!"
-Ed Grimley
[The one and only Ed Grimley, aka Martin Short]
----
"Out of the mouth of Boy Wonders oftimes come
gems."
[TV's Batman, aka Adam West]
----
"Tune in again next week, same time, same station,
when Nick Danger meets.... The Arab!"
[From The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger, America's ONLY detective!]
----
"....and the far-flung Isles of Langerhans."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
----
"Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.
He died in Washington, D.C."
[Firesign Theatre's HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE]
----
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner
----
"Can you drive a 6-inch
spike through a board
with your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have
her standards."
[Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in _Real_Genius_]
----
"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I
might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry
her."
[Hoyt Axton in a marverlous Pizza Hut commercial]
----
"Is that how a warped
brain like your's gets
its kicks? By planning
the deaths of innocent
people?"
"No... by *causing* the
deaths of innocent
people."
[Lex Luthor and Superman discuss Fun Evenings in _Superman_]
----
"Living without hallucinations is like breathing
with only one nostril."
[Wisdom from a dying Weisshaupt in CEREBUS]
----
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"REVERT!"
"Hi HO! Hi HO!"
"SHUT UP!"
[Those loveable De-Evolutionaries in ZOT!]
----
"You... VILLAIN, you."
[Zot]
----
"Expect the Unexpected.
He does." -->
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
----
"If he's not one thing, he's another."
[Buckaroo Banzai novel quote]
----
He's hard as rock, tough as nails, dense as
concrete. He's...
[Moi]
----
"A man who has no business being anyone's role
model..."
[Kelvin Mace]
----
"Aha! Pronoun trouble!"
[Daffy Duck]
----
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
[Elmer Fudd]
----
"Ya does that once more, and I'm not a-goin' in
after it!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"Happily, I read English."
[Draws sword] "Then read
it happily."
[Exchange in the 1950s production of IVANHOE]
----
"Threats are illogical, and payment is often
expensive."
[Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey To Babel", Star Trek]
----
"This used to be a peaceful town."
[That rotter Cobb (Brian Dennehey) in SILVERADO]
----
"...Somehow... the idea of a mouse, with lipstick
and eyelashes and a dress with high-heeled shoes;
a mouse ten times bigger than the biggest RAT...
this idea has always made me sick!"
[Darnold Duck, in Harvey Kurtzman and Bill Elder's brilliant Disney satire
Mickey Rodent]
----
"I've always hated that sign and all its cheap film
noir symbolism."
[Kelvin Mace]
----
"`Where the hell's my cookie?!' WHAM!"
[Clonezone the Hilariator's punchline for The Killing Joke]
----
"I don't like this... it
was too easy."
"You think it was a trap,
huh?"
"NAH... It was just too
easy... I didn't get to
shoot NEAR enough
people..."
[Kelvin Mace and Assistant]
----
"I'll maim, but no
killing."
"It isn't even human!
It's just a filthy,
smelly demon from
another dimension."
"Oh, well, that's
different!"
[The Badger and Ham]
----
[Sung to "Supercalifragalisticexpyaladocious"]
"Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation;
If you do the things we say, you soon will rule the nation;
Kill your foes and enemies, and then kill your relations
Pillage, rape and loot and burn, but all in moderation!"
[Mike Schuh, friend and colleague]
----
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure
out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he
could roll over and all that, but did that deserve
a series?"
[The awful movie EXPLORERS -- the stand-up alien]
----
"Today, my jurisdiction ends here."
[John Cleese, SILVERADO]
----
"Open Channel D..."
[The Man From U.N.C.L.E.]
----
"In the end, it will be the insects who rule the
earth."
-- Noted scientist
"In the end, who cares?"
-- Remo Williams
"End? What end? You whites will be with us
forever."
-- Chiun, Master of Sinanju
[Intro to a DESTROYER novel]
----
"He was sweet and sincere and giving and good...
AND A CHERISHED NEIGHBOR UNDESERVING OF SUCH A
FATE!!
"Nevertheless, better him than me. Amen."
[Eulogy given by Banana PC Jr to Opus in Bloom County]
----
"Don't embarrass us."
"Have I ever?"
[Buckaroo Banzai and Perfect Tommy in BUCKAROO BANZAI]
----
"If this is foreplay, I'm a dead man!"
[Mental Sex in COCOON]
----
"By the way, I paid for the whole trip on Mr.
Underhill's American Express card. Want the
number?"
[Closing Line from the movie Fletch]
----
"You are still dead,
then?"
"Oh yeah, hey, totally."
[A dead Peter Whyte to Jack Morrison on St. Elsewhere]
----
"For I perceive that
behind this seemingly
unrelated sequence of
events, there lurks a
singular, sinister
attitude of mind."
"Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"
[Firesign Theatre, The Giant Rat of Summatra]
----
"These are DARK TIMES for
all mankind's HIGHEST
VALUES!"
"These are DARK TIMES
for FREEDOM and
PROSPERITY!"
"These are GREAT TIMES to
put your money on BAD
GUY to kick the CRAP out
of MEGATON MAN!"
[Megaton Man]
----
THE DAILY PLANET
SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
Plans to "Eat it later".
[Ambush Bug]
----
"SAVE US, Megaton Man! SAVE US!"
"PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!"
"THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!"
"MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man,
MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"LOOK at them! Helpless,
tender creatures, relying
on ME, waiting for ME to
make my move!"
"Move your ASS,
Fat-head!"
"It is a MANDATE, and I am
DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"You're all MISTAKEN! I got 65 girlfriends -- and
a LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP in the NATIONAL RIFLE
ASSOCIATION!"
[Megaton Man]
----
"Try it NOW, you murderous poopheads!!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Hide the wenches and batten down the access
codes... yer about to be boarded, ye scurvy
network news dogs! Har Har..."
[Bloom County]
----
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to
think there's some higher meaning to all this. It
would certainly reflect well on you."
[Matthew Broderick in _Ladyhawke_]
----
Call me Moriarty, Zeck, Karla, or Bloefeld;
just don't call me late for dinner.
[Moi]
----
"I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth
and you don't."
-- Nero Wolfe, OVER MY DEAD BODY
----
"I have no talents. I have genius or nothing. But
all genius is distorted, even my own."
[Nero Wolfe]
----
"You have heard me speak
of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific
criminal, as famous
among crooks as--"
"My blushes, Watson,"
Holmes murmured, in a
deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as
he is unknown to the
public.'"
-- Dr. John Watson,
THE VALLEY OF FEAR
----
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are
uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and there
lies the glory and the wonder of it. The greatest
schemer of all time, the organizer of every
devilry, the controlling brain of the
underworld.... That's the man."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
----
"I can tell a Moriarty when I see one. This crime
is from London, not America."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Valley of Fear"]
----
"The man pervades London, and no one has heard of
him."
[One of the two previous quotes]
----
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
-- Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."
-- Steve McGarret, Five-O
[The fortune program]
----
Ronald Reagan: America's favorite placebo
[The fortune program]
----
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
[The fortune program]
----
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
[The fortune program]
----
"Do you think what we're
doing is wrong?"
"Of course it's wrong!
It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything
illegal before."
"I thought you said you
were an accountant?"
[Two characters in _A_Private_Function_]
----
"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the
ever-widening hole in
it!"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"This Land is made of Mountains,
This Land is made of Mud,
This Land has lots of Everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd..."
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"OHHLYMPIAA! Olympia!"
"Osiris!"
"My friend!"
"What has happened to
your nose?"
[The Firesign Theatre (The Alblum with Nick Danger on the other side)]
----
"We're all Bozos on this bus."
[The Firesign Theatre, from the alblum of the same name]
----
"The Angels...! The
angels were speaking to
me! And do you know what
they said?"
"No... vhat?"
"`We are the men from
Texaco,
We work from Maine to
Mexico,
We're close to you no
matter who you are...'"
[Jeremy Acorn, a take-off on Johnny Appleseed, who is crazy enough to be
able to hear radio broadcasts from 1950; from JOURNEY]
----
"You can't go in there!"
"Yes I can. This is
America. I can go
anywhere I want to."
[The two main characters in Rob Reiner's wonderful _The_Sure_Thing_]
----
"And that was the end of Grogan, the man who killed
my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my
ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!"
[Romancing The Stone]
----
"I could not rest, Watson, I could not sit quiet in
my chair, knowing a man such as Moriarty walked
the streets of London unchallenged."
[Sherlock Holmes, "The Final Problem"]
----
"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $3 goodbye!"
[Hardware Wars]
----
"You can thank the Rock 'n
Roll detector for leading
you to your doom!"
"Thanks!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"There they are! Dirty
Towel-Heads!
HEEEEEEY-OOOOH!"
"What are you doing?
We're on your side!
We're with the U.N.!"
"You-Win, huh? I'll show
you what we think of you
One-Worlders! Eat Lead,
Bedouin Thugs!"
[The Caped Madman, from the Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"I'm going to have you wrapped in a U.S. flag and
burned personally by the President, in high octane
American gasoline!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"OW! Rubber spider venom! That's not fair!"
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash
missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard
personal feelings about city and intercept."
[The Firesign Theatre movie, J-Men Forever]
----
"My sense of purpose is
gone! I have no idea who
I AM!"
"Oh, my God... You've..
You've turned him into a
DEMOCRAT!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist
poop!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Scotty, I need Warp Drive in three minutes or
we're all dead!"
[Star Trek II (I just find this line hysterically funny...)]
----
"I don't DESERVE this!! I haven't even KILLED
anyone in this issue!"
[Kobra, in an Ambush Bug story in DC Presents]
----
"Strong men blench! Women scream! Children
vomit!"
[Gaston Piston in NEIL THE HORSE]
----
"Honey, this is GREAT coffee."
[Harrison Ford in _Witness_]
----
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a
comic book, what *can* you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
----
"Nobody here but us folk heroes."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Hey, man, I'm an
electrician!"
"MAKE MY DAY! MAKE MY
DAY!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"'OLIVE LOAF VIGILANTE' PUMMELS STREET MIMES...
Hundreds call police praising mystery man."
[Bloom County]
----
"Awww..."
"Don't let that 'sweet'
act fool ya, Harry!
They're DANGEROUS
ASSASSINS!"
[Two guards from ZOT!]
----
"Now, for the LAST TIME,
old man, WHO ARE YOU
WORKING FOR?"
"And as I told you
*already*, sir, I'm
SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD
OF IT!"
[A beauracratic villain and Uncle Max from ZOT!]
----
"It's a job for YOU,
Dangermouse..."
"Oh, *good* old DM!"
"...AND Penfold."
"Oh, 'eck."
[Dangermouse]
----
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit
down to watch ST. ELSEWHERE, won't scream, `FORGET
IT, BLANCHE... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE HAW'!!'"
[Bloom County]
----
"This cognac is older than God."
[The pilot to Codename: Foxfire, a TV series that went into the sewer faster
than you can say "A-Team"...]
----
"Well, Penfold, it looks
like we'll have to save
the world again."
"Ooh, 'eck..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"It just doesn't make any
sense, Penfold!"
"But our adventures NEVER
make any sense, DM!"
[Dangermouse]
----
"My God! Are we sure he
was a liberal?"
"Pretty sure. They
pulled him from a
Volvo."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt
of elderberries!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the greatest source of signoff lines known
to man...]
----
"I'm not SURE that that
makes sense, DM."
"Well, it is a CARTOON,
sir..."
[Dangermouse]
----
"NOW how much would you pay? But wait, there's
less! Order now, and we'll include the amazing
$17,000 coffee pot! It boils, it boils... it even
boils!"
[Harry Shearer on Saturday Night Live]
----
"...Who'z dat guy?"
"That's Berhard Goetz."
"Bern-hard Getzz? De jazz
musician?"
[Fernando on Saturday Night Live]
----
"If you tell the truth, you must smile.
Otherwise, people will kill you."
[Good question... I don't know. Fortune Program?]
----
"He even looks like God...
except his hands are in
his pockets."
"They should be, he's got
four dead Presidents in
'em."
[Albert Finny and a forgotten actress in _Wolfen_]
----
"You'd do it for Randolph
Scott."
"*gasp* RANDOLPH SCOTT!"
[Blazing Saddles]
----
"Some tottyhead is mixing genres!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Texxon... Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt."
[Saturday Night Live ad]
----
"I must say, you look *maahvelus*."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
"My friends, it is better to look good than to feel
good."
[Fernando (Billy Crystal) on SNL]
----
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
[James Coburn in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_]
----
Blessed Me,
[A jibe at Jeff Hull]
----
Any opposing views may simply go to hell.
[The fortunes program]
----
"There *are* standards. If you can't see one, you
*make* one and stick to it come Hell or high water
-- until you see a BETTER one."
-- John Gaunt
[John Gaunt, aka GRIMJACK]
----
"Deep space is my dwelling place, the stars my
destination."
[Alfred Bester's "The Stars My Destination"]
----
"They dared to call me mad! ME! HA! HA! HA!...."
[Uh, me, on a bad night after too many Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ales...]
----
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
[Often attributed to Adlai Stevenson or Dick Tuck]
----
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good
bartender laughs anyway!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"But I guess I'm just stating the very obvious
(shutup, Penny, shutup!)."
[Penny Priddy in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Oh, intercourse the penguin!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Lithium is no longer available on credit."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"History is made at night. Character is what you
are in the dark."
[Doctor Lizardo/John Whorfin in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"It's not MY GODDAMN PLANET, Monkey Boy!"
[John BigBoote (Big-Boot-tay) in _Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"There's more hoods than
we thought!"
"Then shoot MORE
BULLETS!"
[That champion of Justice, The FLAMING CARROT]
----
"Hi. This is God."
"Uh-Oh..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"...for DEATH awaits you all, with nasty sharp
pointy teeth!"
[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
----
"She's not only merely dead, she's really most
sincerely dead."
[A munchkin in _The_Wizard_of_Oz_]
----
"He is the Napoleon of Crime, Watson..."
[Sherlock Holmes in "The Final Problem"]
----
"DANGER is my BUSINESS."
[Cool McCool, in his cartoon series of the late 60s]
----
"Nun-beating? Good Lord, man, I can't condone
THAT!"
[Bloom County]
----
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
[Frank Acme Jr., in The Firesign Theatre's alblum "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"Pfui. More people saying what they believe would
be a great improvement. Because I do I am unfit
for common intercourse."
-- Nero Wolfe, BLOOD WILL TELL
----
"Negative, sucker. You
need a smoking pistol and
you know it."
"Right you are. Where
are those handguns when
we really need them?"
[Doonesbury]
----
"Are they being
mistreated?"
"Only by a few fanatics.
Mostly local anchormen."
[Doonesbury]
----
"But I'd rather eat Johnson!"
[Monty Python]
----
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.
He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
----
"That's the biz, sweetheart."
[Remo Williams, The Destroyer]
----
"...in an iron coffin, with spikes on the inside!"
[Monty Python's "Matching Tie & Handerkerchief Alblum]
----
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just
drunk."
-- John Huston
----
Be there. Aloha.
[Steve McGarret, Five-Oh]
----
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
[Hunter S. Thompson]
----
Be firm, fly low and stay cool....
[Duke, from Doonesbury]
----
"Pfui."
[Nero Wolfe]
----
"...it's people like you what cause unrest."
[Monty Python]
----
"Never argue with a fool; others may not be able to
tell the difference."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of
Science?"
[Monty Python & the Holy Grail]
----
"Cheese it, cheddar-breath, you can't fight
America's Action Hero, see?"
[Gangster in The Firesign Theatre's production of "The Giant Rat of
Summatra"]
----
"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt."
[A T-shirt in the comics version of "Myth Adventures"]
----
"What kind of ANIMAL would
DO a thing like this?"
"Whoop Whoop Whoop..."
[AMBUSH BUG]
----
"Do what you want with the girl, but leave me
alone!!"
[George Carlin]
----
"Just remember, he knows
more than you do!"
"I have a Master's
Degree!"
"In SCIENCE!"
[Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre's Ask Mr. Science]
----
"The maniac will please refrain from waxing
nostalgic."
[SPACED (Don't read it, it's garbage)]
----
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-picken' varmint!"
[Yosemite Sam]
----
"Look, if anyone else pinches my phrase, I'll throw
them under a camel!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Master of the emotional belly flop."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Yes Ma'am. So will Jesus, but I ain't waitin' up
nights."
[Doonesbury]
----
"WATCH OUT, Comrade! He's
bearing ARMS, as is his
constitutional right!"
"Eat TEFLON, Ivan!"
"Retreat! Back to
Moscow!"
[Doonesbury]
----
"Hey, George. Our Soviet Masters on line 3."
[Doonesbury]
----
Guns don't kill people. I don't kill people.
Moran, HE kills people.
[Moi]
----
"Hurry! They're freaking
out on stale Heineken!!"
"I'M A FROG! I'M A
FROG!"
[Bloom County]
----
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically."
[Monty Python]
----
"Avast, ye scurvy corporate dogs! Prepare to be
boarded!"
[Bloom County]
----
"Return with us now to those thrilling days of
yesteryear...."
[The Lone Ranger]
----
"Say no more, Say no more!"
[Monty Python]
----
"The more you drive, the less intelligent you are."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"....and his hideous clockwork dog, Toto...."
[Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"There's something you don't see every day."
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"This looks like a job for BICYCLE REPAIRMAN!"
[Monty Python]
----
"Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things
downtown!"
[_Ghostbusters_]
----
"It looks like a photon pod... but it's a verrry
bad design."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Badges? We don't need no steenken badges!"
[_Treasure_of_the_Sierra_Madres_]
----
When in this world the headlines read
of those whose hearts are filled with greed
who rob and steal from those who need
To right this wrong with blinding speed
Goes Underdog! (UNDERDOG!)
Underdog
(UNDERDOG!)
Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
Underdog (Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Underdog
UNDERDOG!
[Oh, come on, guess...]
----
When Polly's in trouble I am not slow,
it's hip hip hip and away I go!
[Underdog]
----
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
[Flaming Carrot]
----
"How is this possible?"
"We keep him upstairs in
a big plastic bubble."
[Doonesbury, refering to Zonker Harris]
----
"Of COURSE, dummy! They
invade each other to stay
in shape!"
"That's what makes them
so tough..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"The Fourth Dimension is a
shambles?"
"Nobody ever empties the
ashtrays. People are SO
inconsiderate."
[Doonesbury]
----
"Go to it, sir! Good
luck!"
"Gosh, he's unflappable."
"Bill, this is a nickel,
and this is an
orange..."
[Doonesbury]
----
"BLAM! BLAM! POW! POW!"
"What's going on, Dad?"
"I'm defending our home
from foreign invaders,
son."
[Doonesbury]
----
"I support the right to arm bears."
[Bumper sticker]
----
"Mongo only pawn... in game of life."
[Alex Karras in _Blazing_Saddles_]
----
"...AND his God Damned CAT!!!"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
----
"Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge, Know-what-I-mean,
Know-what-I-mean?"
[Monty Python]
----
If dementia has a name, it must be...
[Moi, after seeing the slogan for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Gore...]
----
"The bigger they are, the nicer they are..."
[Chiun, Master of Sinanju, from The Destroyer series]
----
"No. 1.... The LARCH."
[Monty Python]
----
"What do you want to talk
about?"
"I can talk about
anything, I've been to
college."
[The Fortunes Program]
----
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what
I'm doing."
-- Wernher von Braun
----
"Silver bullets MY ASS!"
[A werewolf in _The_Howling_]
----
"Hey, nice coat, man. What's in the pink box?"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Where are we going?!"
"PLANET 10!!"
"When are we leaving?!"
"REAL SOON!!"
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"No matter where you go... there you are."
[_Buckaroo_Banzai_]
----
"Look.... up in the sky...
it's a bird... it's a
plane... it's a frog!"
"A frog?"
"Not bird nor plane nor
even frog, just little
old me, Underdog!"
[I think that's self-explanatory]
----
"...we do our part -- what's your problem?"
["AMERICAN FLAGG!"]
----
Just another garden-variety Communist dupe...
[Moi]
----
From the conning tower of The Submarine of the
Usenet
[Moi]
----
The Submarine of the Usenet
[Moi]
----
Heavens, they're tasty...
[Garrison Keillor, the greatest American humorist since Will Rogers, on the
radio program "A Prarie Home Companion"]
----
"Nick! Heath! Jarrad! There's a fire in the barn!"
[_Airplane_]
----
"...and several butcher's aprons."
[Monty Python]
----
"The wonder of it all."
[Bloom County]
----
"Rule two... no member of the faculty is to
maltreat the Abos in any way at all... if
there's anybody watching."
[Monty Python]
----
"Those who travel with him.... must be crazy."
[Slogan from _Indiana_Jones_and_the_Temple_of_Doom_]
----
"...the all-weather breakfast."
[The Firesign Theatre, "Nick Danger, Third Eye"]
----
"I'd do anything for a hundred pounds, of DOLLARS,
my dear Dudley!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull
a rabbit out of muy hat!"
"But that trick NEVER
works!"
"This time fer sure!"
[Rocky & Bullwinkle]
----
Necessity is a Mother -- no invention!
[Fortune Program]
----
"I have seen victory snatched from the hands of
other commanders."
[Sub-Commander Tal in the Star Trek comic]
----
"I just hired him and he's already off on a case!
What a brown-noser!"
[The Ambush Bug, in ACTION]
----
"If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!"
[Monty Python (Inspector Dim!)]
----
"Grab your Cape
And drop the phone
Your next stop is
The Joker Zone."
[The Joker]
----
"Americans love a winner... and WILL NOT TOLERATE a
loser."
[George C. Scott, _Patton_]
----
"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest
WIITH... A HERRING!!"
[The Knights who no longer say "Ni", _Monty_Python_and_the_Holy_Grail_]
----
Trivia is my Business
[Moi]
----
"Can you say PAIN, boys and girls?"
[Mr. T visiting Mr. Robert's (Eddie Murphy's) Neighborhood]
----
"He's everywhere! He's everywhere!"
[That wonderful old Radio show, Chicken Man]
----
"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
[Indiana Jones, _Raiders_of_the_Lost_Ark_]
----
"Noooobody expects THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!"
[Monty Python]
----
One of the last true Bohemians...
[Moi]
----
An eccentric America is a Safe America...
[Moi]
----
"That green-blooded, pointy-eared Son of a Bitch!"
[Dr. McCoy, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Don't call me 'tiny'."
[Mr. Sulu, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
America's Actioned Hero,
[Moi]
----
"Aye, and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd have
been a wagon...."
[Mr. Scott, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"Wow... this is intense."
[_Repo_Man_]
----
"The word is no, I am therefore going anyway."
[Captain James T. Kirk, _The_Search_for_Spock_]
----
"I understand that in this country Coke comes in
cans!"
[The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"]
----
"Is this a trick question?"
[Bill Murray addressing a possessed Sigourney Weaver in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"Aim for the flat-top!"
[Dan Ackroyd in _Ghostbusters_]
----
"...I'm going to hit it with a stick."
[Dr. Hardin in DNAgents (you had to be there...)]
----
"I'm a BAAAAD boy!"
[Lou Costello]
----