YAAP - Wiz-Hum-Mal-Neu
Andy
wizards, rangers, archaeologists and so forth, as well as numerous
other creatures. There is hardly room to move. A boisterous atmosphere
pervades the hall. You hear a door crash open! A battered and tired
Wizard pushes his way in.
Wizard (breathless): Ah, my audience! It is gratifying indeed to see
so many have come to welcome me!
The crowd ignores the wizard. He takes a moment to catch his breath.
Wizard (coughing): a-HEM
He catches the attention of a sole Archaeologist
Archaeologist : Ehm - hallo. Er... who are you?
Wizard : I am Ablock! And I have braved the perils of
Gehennom, escaped the dungeon and ascended through the elemental and
astral planes to offer the one, the only and the genuine AMULET OF
YENDOR, for the honour of Thoth!
Archaeologist : Oh, I see - you should take a number.
Ablock (taken aback) : Excuse *me*? Take a number? I think Thoth will
wish to see me most urgently, for I have toiled for many moons to
bring him this sacred artifact!
Archaeologist : Ah, yes, you and me both, my friend, you and me
both. You'd best take a number, or you'll miss your turn.
Ablock : "You and me both"? What is that meant to mean?
Whatever artifact you carry, it surely cannot be so precious to Thoth
as...
(he reaches into his pack and produces the Amulet of Yendor named
'real')
Ablock : ...the Amulet of Yendor!
Archaeologist : Well, actually...
(The Archaeologist also reaches into his pack, producing the blessed
Amulet of Yendor named 'THE REAL ONE')
Archaeologist : I think you'll find mine is a little better.
Ablock (laughing) : Hahaha! I see your mistake. I'm actually
surprised they let you in the door! That is clearly a fake! I've seen
lots of them on the way up here!
Archaeologist : Oh no, not at all! It is definitely real! Here,
try putting it in your bag of holding.
(You hear the chime of a cash register.)
(A female voice makes an announcement over a PA system - 'Cashier
number 7, please'. A number flashes on a bright display - it reads
'54,024').
(Ablock takes the archaeologist's amulet, and moves to place it in the
bag; but the amulet is propelled away by some force. The closer it
gets, the harder the force. The archaeologist snatches it back.)
Archaeologist : You see! It cannot be confined by such
trappings.
Ablock (deflated) : I don't understand! This was my moment. Are you
telling me that all of these people...
(he is interrupted by the cough of a kitten he had not yet noticed)
Archaeologist : Don't forget the other creatures...
Ablock (exasperated) : ... that all of these...
(he glances around the room, taking in the green slimes, air
elementals, grid bugs and others he had previously missed due to the
overwhelming crowds)
Ablock : ... all of these... er... entities have brought
with them an Amulet...
Archaeologist, interrupting: ...*the* amulet...
Ablock : Er... *the* Amulet of Yendor?
Archaeologist : Precisely! Oh by the way, my name is Elvis.
(he offers his hand; Ablock accepts the handshake, somehow at once
both overwhelmed and underwhelmed - whelmed, indeed, in pretty much
any direction you can be whelmed - by his unexpected reception).
('Cashier number 4, please')
Ablock : Er... Elvis?
Elvis : ...ahem, yes - I thought you'd get that with
your intelligence of 24. Look wait here and think about it - I'll be
back in a second.
(Elvis walks off to take a number from a nearby ticket machine and
hands it to Ablock.)
(Ablock feels like someone is helping him)
Ablock (accepting the ticket): Oh. Thanks. Ah! Elvis. Old rock.
Archaeologist. Clever.
Elvis : Ehm, yeah, that's it. Seemed like a good idea
at the time...
(A valkyrie comes around carrying an ice box containing 67 potions of
booze.)
('Cashier number 2, please')
Valkyrie : Drink, anyone?
(Ablock goes to take a drink. But the valkyrie gives him such a stare
he realises that if the offer was for anyone, it was most certainly
not for him. The Valkyrie moves onwards.)
Ablock : Woah - if looks could kill!
Elvis : If?
Ablock : Ah - yes - I see your point. There is her, of
course. Still - what was *that* all about?
Elvis : Oh, never mind her. That's Flight. She ascended
with all that. Likes to rub people's noses in it.
('Cashier number 6, please')
Ablock : She ascended with an ice box and 67 potions of
booze?
Elvis : Yes. Childish, really. She doesn't like it if
anyone actually takes one, of course, because then there is less of it
to rub people's noses in. Still, it is quite impressive.
Ablock : Yes, I suppose so.
Elvis : Anyway, go ahead, get it off your chest.
Ablock : Excuse me?
Elvis : Well, I imagine you're eager to tell someone
about your 'epic' journey here.
(Ablock considers this for a moment. Truth is, he *was* rather keen to
spill a few details. He looks around, and doesn't see anyone else
listening. He decides that an audience of one is at least an
audience...)
Ablock : Yes, alright then. Well, it all started...
Elvis (interrupting) : Wait, let's get the vitals out of the way
first. How did you feel when you ascended?
Ablock : Ablock the Mage St:25 Dx:17 Co:18 In:
24 Wi:23 Ch:16 Neutral
Astral Plane $:211 HP:412(427) Pw:382(445)
AC:-29 Xp:30/100196298 T:86271
(There is a snort of derision from somewhere behind Ablock. Apparently
his audience is more than one. He spins to see who it was; his best
guess is that it came from the direction of a rather beefy looking
Barbarian, though it is hard to be certain. In any case, he decides
that discretion is the better part of valour, and turns back to Elvis,
looking confused.)
Elvis : Oh, never mind that - he probably thinks you're
a bit cautious. 427 Max hit points is a little... er... on the high
side. Anyway, any conducts?
Ablock : Er... conducts?
Elvis : You know, voluntary abstentions from certain
types of activity?
Ablock : Er... for instance?
Elvis : Oh, say praying.
Ablock : Oh, no, I relied on the assistance of Thoth on
many occasions. He has guided and assisted me extensively. That is how
I knew I was on the right path.
Elvis : Oh, very well. You see him over there...
(he indicates a gnome ranger standing nearby)
Elvis : He ascended without praying. In fact, he's an
atheist.
Ablock : Er... still?
Elvis : Yes, yes. Funny how stubborn some folk can be,
isn't it? What about reading? Did you perhaps never read anything?
Ablock : No! I could not possibly have survived without
reading a huge variety of scrolls and spellbooks!
('Cashier number 3, please')
Elvis : Ah, very well. I managed without, myself.
Ablock : You... you got up here without reading a
scroll?
Elvis : Or a spellbook. Yes, I did. Without doubt my
greatest achievement.
Ablock : I am not worthy!
Elvis : That's nothing. But a minor triumph! You see
her, over there?
Elvis indicates a human monk looking very smug on the far side of the
room.
Ablock : Yes, what about her?
('Cashier number 1, please')
Elvis : That's Minsk - she's a bit of a legend up here.
She followed a strict vegan diet *and* she's an atheist. Furthermore
she never hit with a wielded weapon, she was illiterate, she never
genocided any monsters, she never polymorphed an object, she used no
wishes and she never changed form.
Ablock : But... but... that's ridiculous!
Elvis : If you say so. Damned impressive if you ask me.
You didn't manage anything like that, then?
Ablock : Well... er... I never changed form!
Elvis (condescendingly): Ah, there you go! Well done you! Most
impressive! Anyway, do proceed with your fascinating story.
('Cashier number 4, please')
Ablock (now reticent): Well, ehm, I suppose I'll stick to the
highlights then.
Elvis : Perhaps that's best.
Ablock : Well, I started by trying the protection
racket. Worked out well - my pet trained up nicely, and helped me...
er... acquire the money I needed from the one shop I encountered in
the dungeons before heading for the mines.
(You hear someone cursing shoplifters.)
Ablock : The priest in minetown was co-aligned, which
was nice. I was level 3 by that stage, and had enough to pay the
priest 3 times. Got lucky with a -4 improvement on my first attempt,
so I got -6 in total. Then I proceeded to mines end. My friend and
companion, who was by now a large cat, stepped on a polymorph trap in
mines end, turning into a black dragon. For all his might, I came
close to death twice. Firstly, I had underestimated the power of a
disenchanter, who very nearly killed me; my dragon had become
separated and was thus little use in protecting me. But I eventually
managed to leave him behind. Then later, I was attempting to dilute
some unneeded potions, but the fountain in which I was doing it
overflowed. Still, I thought I'd seen where all the water had gone. So
I put on my blindfold, so my ESP could let me know where the
disenchanter was before I set off again. But I ended up falling into
an unseen pool just around the corner from the fountain! I escaped,
but lost a fair bit of equipment. I also struggled with a black
unicorn, who was reluctant to let me leave the level.
Elvis : These are the highlights?
Ablock : Well, yes...
Elvis : Very well, do go on.
Ablock : Right. Yes. Well, I went back to mine town,
where I had a bit of an accident. I can't really explain why, but I
ended up attacking a shopkeeper completely accidentally. I really
wasn't equipped to deal with the results, but my dragon helped me deal
with them. I did have to kill a few guards as well, as a result, and
became branded a murderer. Then my dragon... er... well, he went on a
bit of a rampage and ended up killing the local priest, much to my
dismay. Still, I was alive, so I pressed on.
('Cashier number 2, please')
Ablock : So far, I had struggled to find a bag of
holding - or indeed even a mere sack. So I carried what I could up to
the dungeons, and proceeded to Sokoban. Sokoban was unhelpful for the
bag of holding, producing instead an amulet of reflection. But I
scraped together a sack somehow. I worked my way down to the Medusa
level, and found a Titan blocking my way. Fortunately I had a scroll
of taming handy, and was thrilled with my new pet titan. Meanwhile, my
Dragon was sadly polymorphed into a long worm. But I was finding that
as a pet, the Titan was everything I could wish for, so I ended up
abandoning my poor ex-dragon. Now by this stage, I had not found a
magic whistle, so I thought I had no way of bringing my Titan across
the water on the Medusa level.
(There is a snigger from nearby)
Ablock (annoyed) : Yes, yes. I know. They can fly. But I was
unaware of that fact at the time. So I took on the quest as experience
level 16, hoping I might find a magic whistle on the way. The quest
presented no great problems. I had also acquired polymorph as a spell,
which combined with the power regeneration from the Eye gave me some
nice possibilities. Meanwhile I had discovered my Titan's ability to
fly, and started making my way back to the Medusa level. I had
identified most scrolls and potions by price by this stage, however, I
wanted to improve my armour class. So on the way, I polymorphed a few
trashy scrolls and managed to generate a few enchant armour and also a
couple of scrolls of genocides. So I genocided L and h, creatures
which I consider to be the scum of the earth.
(He suddenly realizes it is unnaturally quiet. He notices a nearby
arch-lich; fortunately he is paying no attention...)
Ablock (eager to cover the silence): I had the good fortune to find a
silver dragon in an opulent throne room around about this point, and
she left me some scales after I dispatched her. This helped me get my
armour class down to -21 by now, with everything -proofed, so I
proceeded to take care of Medusa and went onward to the castle. The
castle was not especially problematic. One minor annoyance was a red
dragon and someone else carrying a wand of fire; I had not yet
acquired fire resistance. But once cleared, I managed to pick up that
resistance from one of the castle dragons. Then, I looted what was
left behind in the castle, and you will never guess what I found! That
most precious artifact, a...
Elvis (interrupting) : Wand of wishing, yes, yes. What did you wish
for?
Ablock (somewhat deflated) : Oh... er.. however did you guess?
(Elvis again reaches into his pack, producing the blessed Amulet of
Yendor named 'THE REAL ONE'. Ablock is reminded that he is not the
first to have been through this ordeal. He also notices that there are
a few more people listening, although he gets the impression they are
having fun at his expense)
Ablock : Oh, yes, of course. Well, ok. I didn't really
feel like I needed that much. The wand only had one charge, so my
first wish was for a magic marker, which I used to write a scroll of
charging, and recharged the wand with that. The main thing I really
did miss was a bag of holding, so I wished for that, and left two
wishes in case of an emergency. I then continued on my way. The priest
in the Valley of the Dead accepted some donations to get my total
protection down to -9, and my armour class thus to -24. So I plunged
into Gehennom. Jubilex presented no great problem. He engulfed me, I
hit him with a wand of digging, and dispatched him with ease. Then I
hit Asmodeus, who asked for payment for passage. I paid him, and he
taunted me terribly for my cowardice! It grated so much, I felt honour
bound to kill him. So I attacked, and he ended up being the one who
cowardly ran away - the yellow belly had a wand of digging with him,
so every time I was on the brink of killing him, he would disappear
down a level. Eventually, I caught up with him in Orcus town, where
Orcus joined the fray, and quite an epic battle was played out with
the three of us. But I triumphed in the end, no worse for wear, but
rather exhausted. Baalzebub was a little easier. So with all of these
triumphs behind me, I explored to the bottom of the dungeon, where I
found an unusual square that vibrated. I took careful note of its
location, and then decided to prepare for what I thought was my
inevitable ascension. Largely this involved taking all of the stuff
that had accumulated in my Bag of Holding and putting it into my
stockpile in Sokoban. So I took some potions out of the bag. I placed
some potions into the chest. I took some scrolls out of the bag. I
placed some scrolls into the chest. I took some wands out of the bag.
I placed some wands into the bag. I went to take another batch of wand
from the bag... the bag... where's the bag?! My mind had been so
preoccupied by the approaching ascension, I had been daydreaming and
had placed the wands - including those wands of cancellation I had
carefully kept aside for the whole journey - back into the bag of
holding!
(There is a snort of derision form the crowd. Ablock takes it a little
more in his stride - at least he has an audience now, even if it is
not for the reasons he had hoped).
Ablock : I was taken aback, to say the least. I had lost
my wand of wishing, and the two wishes it would have provided. My
stack of 12 +7 daggers. Three amulets of life saving (though I was
blessed to be left with another two in my main inventory). Emergency
scrolls of genocide. Many precious scrolls and potions. I was
desolate. Still, I decided... I was alive, and I still had a lot going
for me, even if it was less than before.
(As he scans his audience, he sees the doubtful expressions all
around).
Ablock: In any case, I decided to press on and take on the wizard
himself; I made my way back down and into his tower, and woke him up.
As I had but a single wand of death left, I was reluctant to waste it
on a mere wizard. However, I quickly found myself overrun by monsters
and struggling to kill the wizard himself. Eventually, however, a
cockatrice corpse proved most useful in dispatching the crowds, and
the wizard did eventually give up the Book of the Dead, so I made my
way back to the vibrating square, as I had the idea a ritual of some
kind needed to be performed there. In fact, I thought I knew the very
ritual, having heard of it in my youth. I thought it was simply thus:
you ring the Bell of Opening while holding the Candelabrum, then read
the book of the dead. So I rang the bell, and went to read the... but
no! I had not got the book with me!
(There is a ripple of laughter amongst the crowd. Ablock is starting
to think he missed his true vocation as an entertainer...)
Ablock : I had forgotten, you see, of the Wizard's
thievery; I had thought he would restrict himself to the Amulet of
Yendor named 'real'. And thus I had wasted one charge of the sacred
bell of opening. I made my way back up to where I had killed the
wizard, and found the book of the dead. Relieved that my stupidity had
not cost me too much, I proceeded back to the vibrating square, and
again tried the ritual. But to my dismay, I simply raised the dead!
(The crowd are positively laughing now - who was this joker, and how
on earth did he get up here?!)
Ablock (Now hamming it up a bit) : Well, I eventually realised my
mistake - a detail I had forgotten, namely that all of the invocation
items needed to be uncursed - the book of the dead had been cursed by
that accursed wizard!
(Waves of derision are pulsing through the crowd)
Ablock : Undaunted, I removed the curse, now quite
confident that everything was in order. I once again performed the
ritual, but nothing happened! How foolish I felt when I recalled that
the candelabrum needed to be lit! And I had left myself with no
charges in the bell.
(You hear maniacal laughter close by.)
Ablock : But for my earlier stupidity I could have
wished up some scrolls of charging! And this for an individual with an
intelligence of 24... it was almost as if some other idiot was
controlling my every action!
(The mood of the crowd changes - that last comment seems to have hit a
nerve with many of the listeners. "I've had that"; "me too"; "Oh, I
thought that was just me"; "Hey, have you ever tried applying a
stethoscope to the side of the map?"; etc. etc.).
Ablock : Now I had no clue what to do. I decided to
press on and hope for the required means of charging to show up
somewhere. The wizard turned up again, stealing the candelabrum. He
lead me a merry dance for a while until I realised I had both the
means to find him (via ESP), to teleport (via a ring) and teleport
control (via an intrinsic), so I managed to catch and kill him without
too much difficulty. I decided my best hope was to return to my stash,
and to polypile anything which might give me something I could use
(primarily scrolls). I did so, but did not get a lot that was useful -
no magic marker, no scroll of charging. I then decided to polypile my
spellbooks, really hoping I might get finger of death as a spell, as I
had been unsuccessful in getting crowned up until now. This provided
me with a nice new range of spells including identify, create monster,
turn undead and create familiar. However, not the desired finger of
death. But the create monster gave me the possibility to once again
try for crowning at a nearby altar. However, that proved ineffective,
and after about 15 tries I decided to return to my stash with a few
extra unicorn horns I had acquired. I polypiled these, and all other
magical items I thought I could spare (actually just a horn of plenty,
I think), in the hope of generating a magic marker. I had no luck with
that, but was most grateful to find a bag of holding amongst the
results.
('Cashier number 5, please')
Ablock : Stuck for ideas, one last desperate ploy
occurred to me. I had created quite a stack of potions of full healing
by means of alchemy (around 14 or so I think). And I had the
ingredients to make about another 10. And here's the crux of the
matter - full healing was smoky! So I thought I should have a good
chance of blessing them and quaffing them to release a Djinni. So I
did this, and started quaffing; and lo and behold, after about 8 or 9
(hence the high hit points), out pops a Djinni who offers me a wish! I
decided that my best wish would be for a magic marker, which I could
then use to write charging and hopefully have something left over. I
elected for an uncursed magic marker, as I was not short of holy
water, and already had a couple of blessed scrolls of blank paper. The
marker I was provided with had a glorious 57 charges in it - I was
elated! After writing one blessed scroll of charging (which I used
immediately on the Bell of Opening), I had 46 charges left. I figured
I would want to charge the marker itself, so I wrote another one,
after which it had 34 charges left. This meant that using the blessed
scroll on the marker now would be almost guarantee 75 charges, as it
would charge by 15-30, and then round up to either 50 or 75. Now I
especially wanted finger of death due to my lack of wands of death, so
I thought that would be my best strategy. So I charged it
immediately... and, glory of glories, I had a magic marker with 75
charges in it! So I wrote myself 'finger of death', and looked forward
more enthusiastically to that infernal wizard showing his face again!
(The crowd looks somewhat annoyed now - there is a pervading feeling
of a distinct lack of justice in the multiverse).
Ablock : Now I felt truly ready to ascend. So I went
down again, returning to the vibrating square. Very, very, *very*
carefully, I performed the invocation ritual. What a relief as the
floor collapsed revealing a staircase down! I descended carefully, and
negotiated the hordes with trepidation. The battle was the fiercest
yet! Those priests can pack a punch! But now I was thankful indeed to
have my Finger of Death at the ready, and slowly, one by one, the
priests fell to it, as did the high priest in turn. The ascent was
actually relatively painless. The mysterious force held me back a fair
bit at the most annoying places - I think I went through Asmodeus's
lair about 3 times - but each time the wizard would show I just...
er... well, I fingered him to death. Ahem. Still, it was with a sense
of great relief that I found myself standing once again at the
entrance to the dungeon. I rechecked my possessions, took a deep
breath, and headed to the planes.
('Cashier number 1, please')
Ablock : The elemental planes were relatively uneventful
too. I had prepared by bringing several scrolls of gold detection with
me, and becoming confused was easy as I had a couple of forgotten
spells. I also had one cursed scroll of gold detection, which was
handy in the plane of air, as I didn't have to waste time becoming
confused. The air elementals there also packed quite a punch, and I
used one potion of full healing there, but was probably being on the
over cautious side. The astral plane, on the other hand, was another
matter. The reputation of Pestilence went before him, and I didn't
fancy staring Death in the face either, so I headed first in the
direction of Famine. I gave him the finger and made it to the altar he
was protecting without getting too bogged down. But the altar was
Lawful, which was no use. So I decided to face Death next. On the way
back, though, Famine and/or some priests summoned so many nasties it
was very difficult to move. I procured myself a cockatrice corpse, but
found I was struggling to hit anyone with it. Then I remembered the
value of wands of teleport. I used those to make further progress, and
fingered Famine again on the way. I proceeded to the opposite side,
where Death awaited me. Pestilence tried to head me off, but I managed
to evade him. Death was surprisingly easy to deal with. My stethoscope
revealed he only had 31 hit points, and he was dispatched in a matter
of three hits, before he had inflicted a scratch on me.
('Cashier number 7, please')
Ablock : Relieved, I marched on, and reached the second
altar. But it was another blank, Chaotic. So I was going to have to go
back once again. Again I was getting bogged down, so I used teleport
wands again extensively. I managed to sneak past Death this time, and
I once again fingered Famine as I approached the door leading to
Pestilence. I used a wand of death on Pestilence, as my finger was 3%
fail, and I wanted to be really certain. And then it was pretty easy
going to use a wand teleportation to make a path to the last altar...
and... well... the rest you know.
(You hear loud snoring. Elvis awakes with a start)
Elvis : Yes, yes, very good. Well, very well done.
('Cashier number 3, please')
Elvis : Oh, that's my number... well, yes, very nice to
meet you... I expect we'll see you up here again, in some form?
Ablock (confused) : Er... again?
Elvis : Ah - I keep forgetting, you're really quite new
at this, aren't you. Yes, how it works you see is you get up here,
receive your reward, and then nip back down to do it all over again.
Ablock (worried) : Er... back down?
Elvis : Yes! This was my 8th time - but that's nothing;
you see him? He's done it 394 times.
Ablock : But...
Elvis : Don't worry, you'll start remembering the
previous times once you've done 4 or 5. It'll get much easier then.
Ablock : But...
Elvis : Oh look, I can see you are a bit put out by it
all. You don't want to be waiting around up here. Here, why don't you
take my number, we can swap.
(He pushes his ticket into the Ablock's hands, and takes the one the
wizard took earlier, then guides him with a gentle push in the
direction of the cashier windows.)
Elvis : I think it was number 7...
(Ablock wanders towards the cashier window, stunned and confused. He
briefly wonders if he might not also be hallucinating. He arrives to
find an Aleax behind the plexiglas. He pushes his number across the
divide.)
Aleax : Alignment and Class, please?
(The Aleax is rather camper than he was expecting)
Ablock : Er... neutral wizard
Aleax : Ooh... very good, here is your reward.
(She pushes back a sheet of paper, which the wizard inspects. It is a
Certificate of Ascension, and reads simply 'Thoth officially thanks
you for your hard work and dedication with the award of this
Certificate of Ascension (class F)'.)
Ablock : Is this it? This? *This*? I toiled for months
for the glory of Thoth, risking life and limb, enduring traps and
dragons and starvation and humiliation and embarrassment and tedium
and all he gives me in return is this lousy sodding certificate?
Aleax (sniffily) : Well, it's not as if you have much in the way
of conducts, is it? And there is a simply fab picture of Thoth on the
reverse side!
(Ablock flips the certificate over. On it is a picture of Thoth,
looking well-pleased).
Aleax (dreamily) : Isn't he lovely? Well-pleased is such a good
look on him, don't you think?
Ablock : He can take his effing well-pleased and shove
it up his EFFING...
(Cut back to Elvis, now chatting to a dwarf).
Dwarf : Are you still at it?
Elvis : Ehm...
Dwarf : You've really got to stop hassling these
newbies... one day it's all going to kick off.
Elvis : Oh, but it is such fun!
Dwarf : Each to his own I suppose. On your head be
it...
(The dwarf wanders off. You hear a door crash open! A battered and
tired dwarf Valkyrie pushes his way in.)
Valkyrie : Such crowds have assembled to welcome me - I am
truly honoured by Tyr in spectacular fashion!
The crowd ignores the Valkyrie.
Valkyrie (coughing): a-HEM
He catches the attention of a sole Archaeologist named Elvis...
Disclaimer: The characters in this drama are entirely fictitious. Any
resemblance to any individual living, ascended or YASD is entirely
coincidental.
Kogut
Janis Papanagnou
> Setting: A large hall, packed with very tough looking barbarians,
> wizards, rangers, archaeologists and so forth, as well as numerous
> other creatures. There is hardly room to move. A boisterous atmosphere
> pervades the hall. You hear a door crash open! A battered and tired
> Wizard pushes his way in.
>
That was really fun to read. Thank you!
Janis
Andy
> The best YAAP I have ever read!
<Blush> Thanks!