(Obnoxious) Bard Songs
Faye Levine
Chritianity thing--I only wanted to know about it in regard to campiagns
and games! Ah, well, such is the net...
How about this? My group has started a new campaign, and one player is
a bard. In real life he composes, so he has so far written and recorded
two songs for us. These are songs written in the character's childhood,
and they seem to be a premonition of what is to come...
So here are the two songs. Have any of you got any good (or really bad)
ones to share?
Both songs are by Mike Shapiro, (c) 1991
______________________________________________
The Curious Fate of Lord Darhan's Rightmost Eyeball.
Lord Darhan, the mightiest knight in the realm
He sang to himself as he put on his helm:
"I've got me a sword and I've got me a mission
To fight at the battle of Grissom-On-Grissom."
BA-A-A-A-H! BLAAAH! GO BA-A-ACK! YOU'LL DIE!
He saddled his horse, gave a kiss to his wife
(The last time he'd ever do so in his life)
He called for his squire and he travelled all day
He just couldn't wait to dismember and slay
Long days, long nights he travelled the road cold
and endless beneath the grey sky
His sanity unravelled; he murdered his squire
and made henchman pie
He finally reached the big scene of the fight
With limbs and intestines arrayed left and right
He drew forth his horse and leapt onto the saddle
So happy to finally get into battle
However the ghost of his squire was there
More corp'real than most he grabbed Lord Darhan's hair
He said, "Thanks for killing me, now you will die."
He took the knight's dagger and put out his eye
Darhan screamed as his eyeball flew out from its socket
Oh boy was he pissed
"Why'd you do that?!" he asked and the ghost said,
"I aimed for your groin but I missed."
Lord Darhan decided to fight anyway
He said "Who needs eyes?" and he leapt in the fray
His hubris, alas, was a little misplaced
And somebody caved in his skull with a mace
His eyeball, however, rolled down to the ground
And lay there long after no one was around
It grew lots of moss and in ime looked quite gross
And boy would it taste unappealing on toast
_____________________________________________
The Last Dinnertime Argument of Lord Albert and Lady Liza
"Where shall we go out to dinner oh Liza
Oh where shall we go out to dinner tonight?
Hunger's a rabid squirrel chewing my stomach
Let's go to McGinty's and grab a quick bite."
"Why must we go out to dinner oh Albert
We certainly won't hit McGinty's tonight
He couldn't cook if you set him on fire
I'll bake you my meatloaf and you'll feel all right."
"Truth to tell Liza your meatloaf's disgusting
The thought of consuming it fills me with fright
I fed some to Fido and he died of cancer
So prithee let's go to McGinty's tonight."
"Better to starve than to eat at McGinty's
The service is slow and the help impolite
And when you're there you're a loudmouthed inebriate
Your drunken singing is not a delight."
"Starvation might not do you damage oh Liza
Some say that your figure could cause crops to blight
Each day this week we've endured your foul cooking
Which tastes like you sauteed a nest of termites."
"Why did I marry this ingrate?" asked Liza
"This slovenly foul-mouthed obtuse parasite
Let's see you cook if you're so goddamn hungry
You make us a dinner, you bald troglodyte."
"Surely," said Albert, "why didn't you say so?"
He grabbed a big knife and cut Liza to bits
He threw her bloody remains in a cauldron
Except for her eyes which he roasted on spits
"What a remarkable dinner," thought Albert
"When my bowels move a divorce they'll incite."
Sadly sir Albert fell prey to food poisoning
And died because he hadn't cooked Liza right
That is the story of Albert and Liza
A fun-loving pair who put on a good fight
Now their dead bodies are rotting with maggots
Please think of them when you eat dinner tonight
_______________________________________________
FLOM.
Thomas Omar Smith
Tom the non hacker
Ketil Malde
a 'net.poetry.book'? Poems, songs and riddles..)
----------------------
Gorm the Greedy's ballad
(tune should be obvious, 'oh Lord, won't you buy me..')
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one
a battle is coming, my armor is gone
without some protection, your servant is done,
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one!
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a magical sword,
I just got a dagger, that's all I could afford,
but grant me a weapon, I'll call you my lord,
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a magical sword!
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a powerful ring,
or bracelet or necklace, or similar thing,
i'll do in all monsters, and _then_ I shall sing:
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a powerful ring,
Oh Torm, won't you give me the Crown of Command,
or even that infamous Veccna'ses hand,
a Holy Avenger, a staff if you can,
Oh Torm, won't you give me the Crown of Command,
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one
a battle is coming, my armor is gone
without some protection, your servant is done,
Oh, Torm, won't you give me a chainmail plus one!
(apologies for mixing game systems, inconsitencies,
using numbers, and especially to Torm who seems to
me to be to serious a god to treat in this way :)
--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Ketil Malde In real life: s0...@brems.ii.uib.no |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+
Jeremy Lyn Hart
These bard songs are great!!! Post more, please! Our group's anthem
used to go something like this:
"One hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
One hundred goblins with spears,
Knock one down, kick him around,
Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls..."
You get the idea. I remember seeing an adventure in DUNGEON
Magazine, one where the players get to be monsters, and there was the
greatest song:
"If you're nasty and you know it stab your friend,
If you're nasty and you know it stab your friend,
If you're nasty and you know it, and you really want to show it,
If you're nasty and you know it stab your friend..."
GREAT!
--
Jeremy L. Hart
jer...@owlnet.rice.edu
"You can put a bullet in my head,
But you can't kill a word I've said..." -Mike Muir
John Iv Kovacik
Forty-eight Blue and Grey Slaad at the door,
Forty-eight Blue and Grey Slaad,
Take one down, they gate in two more,
Forty-nine Blue and Grey Slaad at the door...
And, on a more pop-like note, our paladin sang
'When I'm smacked by slaad I touch myself, I touch myself...'
- Biff the Wonder Twit
--
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 'Hello Mrs. Smoker!' 'Hello Mrs. Non-smoker!' 'Been shopping?' 'No, been |
| shopping.' 'What'd ya buy?' 'A piston engine.' 'A piston engine? What'd ya |
| buy that for?' 'It was a bargin.' 'Ya gonna cook it?' 'You don't cook it, |
| it's a piston engine!' 'Well, you can't eat that raw...' 'Never thought of |
| that...' Bi...@miskatonic.tech.edu |
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Mark Kinney of the Too Many Nicknames
> These bard songs are great!!! Post more, please!
Clones_ adventure? I can post it (and the Alpha Complex Battle Hymn from the
second edition GMs screen) if you all want to see it...
--
Mark Kinney [KINNEMA@WKUVX1.(BITNET)(WKU.EDU)] | I had *NOTHING*
PhoneNet: (502)745-4246 (Bowling Green, KY) | to do with it!
Sorry, no cute ASCII pictures. Wait for the mail.sig Mk III.
Quote of the Week: "I'm sorry, the answer to 2+2 is 5.4324. Please report to
the closest convenient termination chamber."
-- The Computer
Kay Shapero
KM>I loved those!! Well, here's my contribution (anybody collecting
KM>a 'net.poetry.book'? Poems, songs and riddles..)
I don't know, but there is a filksong mailing list (an extension into
usenet of a FIDOnet echo which I moderate) you might find of interest.
I even maintain files of filksongs from same though currently about the
only way to get at them is from FIDOnet.
Kay.S...@f524.n102.z1.fidonet.org
--
Kay Shapero
Internet: Kay.S...@f524.n102.z1.fidonet.org
Compuserve: >internet:Kay.S...@f524.n102.z1.fidonet.org
Kay Shapero
We had a song for Wayne Shaw's Temporalana and it's multi-universal doors
(and combat house rules...) though I forget who wrote it:
"Open the door, look inside, close the door
Open the door, look inside, close the door
Open the door, an Orc walks in,
His dex factor's 30 and yours is 10...
Shut the door and Raise the Dead!"
PR James
> These bard songs are great!!! Post more, please! Our group's anthem
>used to go something like this:
> "One hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
> One hundred goblins with spears,
> Knock one down, kick him around,
> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
>
> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls..."
> You get the idea. I remember seeing an adventure in DUNGEON
>Magazine, one where the players get to be monsters, and there was the
>greatest song:
Pardon me for being picky but i'm sure that 100-1=99 not 900?
Lisamarie Babik
Well now....I guess that all depends on whether or not your character can
count! :)
--
_____________________________________________________________________________
"Boire sans soif et faire l'amour en tout temps, madame, il n'ya que ca qui
nous distingue des autres betes..." - Le Mariage de Figaro, II.xxi
________Lisamarie "Rifa the Insane" Babik_____...@gw.wmich.edu_______
Eric Boyd
You are being picky, but you are also wrong ... do you have any idea
how fast goblins multiply??? They're worse than vorpal rabbits!
William H Stoltenberg
>In article <94...@ecs.soton.ac.uk>, pr...@ecs.soton.ac.uk (PR James) writes:
>> In <1991Nov11....@rice.edu> jer...@screech.owlnet.rice.edu (Jeremy Lyn Hart) writes:
>>
>>> These bard songs are great!!! Post more, please! Our group's anthem
>>>used to go something like this:
>>
>>> "One hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
>>> One hundred goblins with spears,
>>> Knock one down, kick him around,
>>> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
>>>
>>> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls..."
>>
>>> You get the idea. I remember seeing an adventure in DUNGEON
>>>Magazine, one where the players get to be monsters, and there was the
>>>greatest song:
>>
>> Pardon me for being picky but i'm sure that 100-1=99 not 900?
>
>Well now....I guess that all depends on whether or not your character can
>count! :)
>
>--
>_____________________________________________________________________________
> "Boire sans soif et faire l'amour en tout temps, madame, il n'ya que ca qui
> nous distingue des autres betes..." - Le Mariage de Figaro, II.xxi
>________Lisamarie "Rifa the Insane" Babik_____...@gw.wmich.edu_______
GRIFFON
Matt Hucke
>
> In <1991Nov11....@rice.edu> jer...@screech.owlnet.rice.edu (Jeremy Lyn
>
> > One hundred goblins with spears,
> > Knock one down, kick him around,
> > Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
My favorite version was posted here a few months ago...
(with apologies to the author)
98 Blue and Green Slaad at the door,
98 blue and green slaad,
cut one down,
they gate in two more,
99 blue and green slaad at the door...
--
Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche.
hu...@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu
C++ forever, P*scal never!
Thomas Omar Smith
know its out there somewhere, but I have no clue where.
Tom the non hacker
Ryk E Spoor
I always wanted to get this particular version sold and published,
but I never remember to send it at the right time of year (july, for christmas
time publication)...
RING THEIR BELLS
(aka "The Munchkin's Theme" )
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our Slaying Song
And watch these suckers DIE!
(chorus)
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Crashing through the door
Into the Dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out his fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making Balrogs fall
And our theif finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!
(chorus)
Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something hard.
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
The damn lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!
(chorus)
We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's throne
Our Cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'till they GLOW!
Oh, ring their bells with Prayers and Spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and SHELLS
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!
SemiCopyright 1991, R.E.S. (Yeah, gimme the credit!)
Sea Wasp
/^\
;;;
Jeremy Lyn Hart
Sorry about that. It SHOULD be 99, not 900. My brain wasn't interfacing
properly with my fingers, apparently.
Dr. George Coghill
This song originates with the famous Waikato Fifth Brigoon in New Zealand.
It is sung to the tune of . . . "tie me Kangaroo down, Sport."
Bestiality's best, boys,
Bestiality's best
(suck a wallaby)
Bestiality's best, boys
Bestiality's best
Stick your dork in an orc boys
etc
shoot your lad in a toad boys
etc
(chorus)
stick your rod in a dog
etc
Sixty nine with a porcupine
etc
Bestialty's best
(Look what happens when you leave yourself logged in......)
136dal...@gw.wmich.edu
>>>>used to go something like this:
>>>
>>>> "One hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
>>>> One hundred goblins with spears,
>>>> Knock one down, kick him around,
>>>> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls,
>>>>
>>>> Nine hundred goblins with spears on the walls..."
>>>
>>>> You get the idea. I remember seeing an adventure in DUNGEON
>>>>Magazine, one where the players get to be monsters, and there was the
>>>>greatest song:
>>>
>>> Pardon me for being picky but i'm sure that 100-1=99 not 900?
>>
>>Well now....I guess that all depends on whether or not your character can
>>count! :)
>>
> And how many more are coming in that really big door :)
Oh come now! Do we really care how many there are. Just keep knocking them
down and you will win!!!! (munchkin made me do it)
Bradley A. Spencer
At least in some fantasy worlds, 900 would seem more correct.
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
= Brad A. Spencer Internet: spe...@ucunix.san.uc.edu =
= >-------------> Home phone: get a job first =
= A FRPing type person. Dr. ? Death has been dead for about 2000 years =
Mark Manning
(To the tune of "Silver Bells")
Slaver Bells, Slaver Bells,
It's whipping time - in the city.
(Just hear that...)
Whimpering, whimpering,
Soon it will be auction day.
See the ladys, all parading,
Wearing shackles and chains.
As they hobble along the roadside.
See the men, dear,
Standing there dear,
Quite a sight to be seen.
And above all the ruckus, you hear...
Slaver bells, hear them yell.
It's whipping time - in the city.
(Oh hear those...)
Slavers sing, the money ring,
As they sell off - everyone.
(Hmmmm....maybe a bit to moody. How about...)
(To the tune "Walking in a Winter Wonder Land")
See the corpse - it has risen,
Taste the smell - it's so gruesome,
To hack out of time, with this silly rhyme,
Chopping up a zombie or two.
When were through, we'll collect bones,
Then we'll look, to connect bones,
We'll make a bridge, out in the fridge,
Walking through a graveyard at night.
(Chorus or whatever that little change in the music is.)
We can build a skeleton or two ma'm,
All we need is a bone or two.
If we take our time we can do two ma'm,
All we need is to chop and to sew.
So you see, it's so easy,
Take your time, no need to rush it.
Just chop a-way, and hack all day,
Walking in a graveyard at midnight.
(Last, but not least "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")
Oh I'm, dreaming of a Crystal Ball.
Just like the one I had last fall.
When the ogres ca-ame, and smashed my plane,
And left, me defenseless and all.....
I'm, dreaming of my Wand of Power.
Which shatter with a blow.
Oh yes, it exploded, and it was loaded,
So I..... took the damage - all....
(Attempts at whistling now heard...)
Oh I'm, dreaming of my old fortress,
Where all the orcs were led one day.
When the lich attacked me, for pay......
And I became his, to this day.......
PR James
[Deleted 'coz it is getting a bit repetative]
>Well now....I guess that all depends on whether or not your character can
>count! :)
Well my Korobukuro (Oriental Adventures version of a dwarf) has an
intelligence of 5. His heavy war pony is more intelligent and he
basically counts one, two, lots, so to his mind lots-1=lots.
Lisamarie Babik
Yeah. My character, Kurath (intelligence of 13, comeliness of 3), can't read.
In my book, that means she can't count either. (I let her count to ten because
that's as many fingers as she has.) She usually pays by grabbing a handful of
coins and tossing them on the counter. She's sort of a muscular young lass, so
thus far no one's bothered to tell her if she's given enough or not..... (or
maybe no one has bothered because she looks so nasty!)
It has actually worked out rather well. The party doesn't know she can't
read/count and she certainly isn't about to let them know. The party even
determined that we should have "party money" and personal money. (Party
is 5 members, so "we" divide everything we earn by 6.) Party money is kept
by the our most "trustworthy" party member and is used to pay for food and
rooms. Personal money pays for everything else. It works out rather well
...especially for Kurath!
TB25...@miamiu.bitnet
These songs are great. If there exists music to go with them,
please include it if possible.
Nikidemus
Mike Whitaker
>>>>> These bard songs are great!!! Post more, please!
The following, then: words (C) Mike WHitaker/Rhodri James, available on
Rhodri's tape "Laughter and Laments" though any reputable filk emporium
Yes folks, it's lets slag off the stereotype time. One for the munchkin book,
Charles?
Monty Who?
----------
Mine eyes have sen the glory of the umpteeth level lord.
He can stand alone against a screaming demon horde
He has 300 hit points and a +10 vorpal sword
As he goes marching on. (shouted in thick yobbish thug voice) Welly!!!!!!!
Glory glory trash the party... x3
As they go marching on.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level priest
If you're evil and he turns you then you're instantly deceased
His wisdom's 27, it's been magically increased
As he goes marching on(ward Christian)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level mage
His spells are so high level that their casting takes an age
He has a book of scrolls that's got a wish on every page
As he goes marching on (spoken in crabby old mage voice) Drop Dead!
I cannot see the glory of the umpteenth level thief
He can hide in shadows and then cause you lots of grief
His backstab multiplier is just way beyond belief
As he goes sneaking on (whispered) Silently, naturally.
Mine eyes have see the grory of the frower power monk
He's no ase for armour, magic weapons or such junk
And he's immune to poison so he never end up drunk
As he goes marching on (Bow in monkish manner) So!
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the umpteenth level bard
He's both thief and fighter and he thinks he's really hard
He plays the Hammond organ and the electric guitar
As he goes filking on (two three four)
P.S. on both Rhodri's tape and mine (The Oak the Rowan and the Wild Rose),
there are serious D&D inspired songs as well. Details on request via mail.
--
Mike Whitaker, Shape Data Limited, | Mi...@sdl.mdcbbs.com --or-- | This space
Cambridge, ENGLAND (+44-223-316673)| MWhi...@cix.compulink.co.uk | for rent
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