Kenzer & Company Press Release.
neoliminal
For Immediate Release
November 7th 2007
Kenzer & Company, producers of the award winning HackMaster series of
Role Playing Games, is proud to announce it's newest and most
innovative game to date, "Hack-Saw!" Riding the wave of recent hit
movies where characters are randomly killed by complex traps nearly as
ingenious as those found in HMS1: Tomb of the les Horroribles, the
game uses several new mechanics from innovative game designer John
Kipling Lewis, creator of Nothing Beats Rock(tm) and developer of
Blood Bowl(tm).
Scrapping the tried and true combat and skill systems of the
HackMaster series for the new Psuedo-Random Mediation System(tm)
[patent pending], Hack-Saw! take role playing directly into
justifiably uncharted waters. This innovative blending of tactical
combat systems like GURPS(tm) and Via Prudensiae(tm) and diceless
games like Amber(tm) and LARPs(tm) the PMS system allows Hack Masters
to ignore any dice roll and physically change the result by turning
the actual die on the table to any number they wish! This allows full
control over the story and plot by inserting a Psudeo-Random element.
The PMS system has proven incredibly popular with female gamers, who
have historically played games such as Vampire: the Mascara(tm) and
Barbie: The Modular Collectible Customizable Doll Game(tm). Targeting
the increasing female market, the game caters to the demands of
shopping, cooking and accessory gathering.
Most innovative is the new character creation system, called
"TeleCharacter"(tm) [patent pending], which uses the ubiquitous
telephone system to create incredibly life like characters. Players
dial random phone numbers (generated by a series of d10 rolls) and
introduce themselves as survey takers for a new game by Kenzer &
Company. Completing a survey by phone, the player will created their
original, random character and are instantly ready for play. Example
questions from the survey include "How many pounds can you lift?", "Do
you have demolitions experience?" and "Have you ever made a sword from
scratch?". Players are allows to ask questions on the survey in any
order they choose and this is critical because all unanswered
questions are given below average scores.
Quickly following on the heels of the Player's Sawbook will be the
first module in the Hack-Saw! series entitled "Hack-Saw!: In a world
where your detect traps roll may be your only chance for survival."
Characters start the adventure strapped to wooden chairs around a
table with mugs of mead in what appears to be a medieval tavern
including a puppet headed bartender. The nemesis of the module is a
Psychotic Sociopathic Psychopathic Social Worker with a history of
welding, carpentry and gun smithing (actually created by the
TeleCharacter system!.) His only goal, to kill the players or teach
them each a valuable moral lesson through what he calls "the
game" (making Hack-Saw! ideal for younger players 5 and up.) As the
adventure progresses through in increasingly improbably and
complicated series of death traps, players discover bizarre social
connections between their characters that require them to question the
very reason they are playing "the game."
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Kenzer & Company was formed by three very talented game designers in
their mother's basements. Each brought skill, thought, and innovations
to a series of games created in 1987, (including the award winning
Narosia(tm)). Shortly after Narosia(tm), Marc left the company because
he's a little bitch who can't take critique about his characters
always packing explosives and blowing up. Shane and John continued the
company until 1990 when John bought the remaining shares of the
company for $4.02 after a best of seven Rock/Paper/Scissors contest
(RRPSR). Shane signed a waiver and may now never talk about why he
left over his incredibly stupid critical hit chart. Now a solely owned
company, Kenzer & Company is free to create new and innovative games
involving things like Hack-Saw! or maybe HOL2(tm).
Legal:
Nothing Beats Rock(tm), Blood Bowl(tm), GURPS(tm), Via Prudensiae(tm),
Amber(tm), LARPless(tm), Vampire: the Mascara(tm), Barbie: The Modular
Collectible Customizable Doll Game(tm) Narosia(tm) HOL(tm) and
HOL2(tm) are all owned by someone(s) else. We don't intend to make it
look like we own them. They are someone(s) else's things. We aren't
even saying they exist or that if they did that we would challenge
whoever really owned them by saying we owned them. They are totally
someone(s) else's stuff.
NOT OUR STUFF. NOT OUR STUFF. NOT OUR STUFF. See, we said it three
times. THIS IS PARODY. THIS IS PARODY. Actually, I think we might
own Nothing Beats Rock(tm).