Change for a five
Tim Hanke
For example, here is what happens when you ask various posters here to give
you change for a five-dollar bill:
RUBIN
Paul Rubin gives you back five ones, but from the heartbroken look on his
face you'd think he just lost five of his best friends.
BACHLER
Kevin Bachler gives you back four ones and the ear from a brass monkey, and
explains that the difference represents a "value transfer" for his services.
SLOAN, SAM
Sam Sloan takes your five and pockets it, then denies you ever gave it to
him, even though Larry Parr is standing by as a witness.
PARR
Larry Parr gives you back five ones, but denies that Sam Sloan owes you any
money.
SLOAN, KEN
Ken Sloan gives you back four ones and three quarters, and explains the
difference as "deflation of the monetary system."
NOLAN
Mike Nolan gives you back four ones and three quarters, explains the
difference as "deflation of the monetary system," and offers to write code
to fix the problem for a retainer of several thousand dollars a month.
NIRO
Frank Niro doesn't give you anything back, but promises to "take care of
you" in the next payroll period. Then he turns around and hands your five to
Paul Truong and Susan Polgar.
TRUONG
When you give a five to Paul Truong he refuses to take it, saying he is a
volunteer and only wants to help for the good of U.S. chess. Then he sends
you a bill in the mail for $50,000, based on a contract signed by Frank Niro
without Executive Board knowledge.
GAMES PARLOR
Games Parlor takes your five, but doesn't give you anything back, saying
they'll "settle up" with you later, based on a contract signed by Frank
Niro, the terms of which cannot be revealed publicly.
DRANEY
Bruce Draney gives you back $3.75, claiming he is only allowed to repay you
75% because he is not a USCF member.
DOWD
Stephen B. Dowd gives you back five ones, but first you have to stand there
and listen to him bitch and moan for five minutes about how "Key Krackers"
was cut from the November Chess Life.
HAAS
Richard Haas takes your five and then starts explaining how much change
Mensa would give to a Metro District. Forgetting all about your change you
flee to preserve your sanity, and leave him standing alone droning on,
oblivious to the fact that no one is listening to him.
SCHULTZ
Don Schultz gives you back either four ones or six ones (but never five
ones), depending on whether he has had his daily bottle of Merlot yet.
Gotto stop now because it's suppertime, and I bet you're as glad as I am.
Tim Hanke
Bruce Draney
Pretty good Tim. This is definitely worth a bruceski.
You forgot a couple:
Tim Hanke takes the five, insults you, figuring you'll forget how much
you gave him and then keeps at least one while you're thinking up a
retort to his dry witticisms.
Louis Blair takes the five, searches the internet for past incidences
of incorrect change giving by Tim Hanke, and then posts 100 such
examples to the internet.
George M. takes the five, looks up your credit history, discovers that
you have a poor credit rating and asks for an extra dollar to cover the
risk of dealing with you as a major credit risk.
Best Regards,
Bruce
Tom Klem
Tom Klem
"Tim Hanke" <timoth...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:97jkb.588052$cF.257437@rwcrnsc53...
Kenneth Sloan
> You can tell a lot about a person when you ask them to break a bill for you.
>
> For example, here is what happens when you ask various posters here to give
> you change for a five-dollar bill:
> ...
HANKE
Tim Hanke takes your five, keeps it for 5 years, and then sends you a
check for $5 and says "We're even".
--
Kenneth Sloan sl...@uab.edu
Computer and Information Sciences (205) 934-2213
University of Alabama at Birmingham FAX (205) 934-5473
Birmingham, AL 35294-1170 http://www.cis.uab.edu/info/faculty/sloan/
HAASpittle
===============
Don't know that but we all may be carrying 18 cent pieces before too long.
Some math types figured out that a widely circulated 18 cent coin would be
the best denomination to reduce the number of coins returned as change in the
typical cash transaction.
Haas
Kevin L. Bachler
Kevin L. Bachler
Tom Klem
"Kevin L. Bachler" <Kbac...@cavemanchessnospam.com> wrote in message
news:bmtbn...@drn.newsguy.com...
> And it was appropriate for a Board member to post this for what reason?
>
> Kevin L. Bachler
>
It's Tim's way of telling us what is going on inside, without taking us in
the door.
It's venting?
It's humor?
Difficult to prove, though I prefer my first interpretation.
Tom Klem
Tim Hanke
>
> "Kevin L. Bachler" <Kbac...@cavemanchessnospam.com> wrote ...
> > And it was appropriate for a Board member to post this for what reason?
> >
> > Kevin L. Bachler
> >
>
> It's Tim's way of telling us what is going on inside, without taking us in
> the door.
>
> It's venting?
>
> It's humor?
>
> Difficult to prove, though I prefer my first interpretation.
>
> Tom Klem
Actually I was just thirsty and wanted a bruceski.
Tim Hanke
Spam Scone
> And it was appropriate for a Board member to post this for what reason?
>
> Kevin L. Bachler
Folks, this probably means that the USCF President is getting another
complaint.
Kevin, when you filed the complaint against Stan Booz a few weeks ago,
what happened?
Kenneth Sloan
Must have been a MENSA member.
The EURO system may be the vision of the future (and is moderately
rational). Coins are: 1,2,5 - 10,20,50 - 100,200. Bills take over from
there and continue the (obvious) progression. This eliminates the
beloved "quarter" (growing up and using the "fifth", instead?). The $1
coin (and the $2 bill) appear to have failed in the US culture - but the
$1 coin may be poised for a comeback. It's a tossup, perhaps depending
on whether vending machines will find it easier to retool for a $1 (and
$2) coin, or continue to develop bill-readers (right now bill-readers
are more flakey, but it's also true that adding new coins is a painful
process).
One thing that truly marks the EURO system as foreign (to Americans) is
that the bills vary in size. Color, too - but US bills are just now
starting to appear in colors other than greenback-green.
But, an 18cent coin? Not gonna' happen... Before that happens, the
penny will disappear (Illinois will have to be beaten into submission).
Small businesses have already moved the penny out of the cash drawer and
into the "Give a penny - Take a penny" bowl.
Besides - one (little known) property of the current US coin system is
that you can minimize the *number* of coins returned in change using a
Greedy Algorithm. The 18cent coin breaks that.
I'll wager a Thomas Jefferson that there will be a 5euro coin on the
Continent before there is an 18cent coin in fly-over-country.
Dan Heisman
Kevin L. Bachler
File? I filed nothing. I had a reasonable "conversation" (such as it is in
email) about a reasonable topic. And in response to that, people have acted
reasonably.
You might try it some time.
Kevin L. Bachler
Bruce Draney
Just a small correction here. Beatriz is President, Tim is VP of
Finance.
Best Regards,
Bruce
sandirhodes
"Kenneth Sloan" wrote in message
> Besides - one (little known) property of the current US coin system is
> that you can minimize the *number* of coins returned in change using a
> Greedy Algorithm. The 18cent coin breaks that.
> Kenneth Sloan
>
Can you please illuminate me little on this? Thx.
StanB
"Spam Scone" <tartak...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:76ba5964.0310...@posting.google.com...
> Kevin, when you filed the complaint against Stan Booz a few weeks ago,
> what happened?
We got proof that he is a weenie.
StanB
StanB
> >Kevin, when you filed the complaint against Stan Booz a few weeks ago,
> >what happened?
>
> File? I filed nothing. I had a reasonable "conversation" (such as it is
in
> email) about a reasonable topic. And in response to that, people have
acted
> reasonably.
Liar, liar
burn in hell fire.
Bleeaaahhhh!!:D
StanB
Bruce Draney
Frankly, this couldn't be furter from the truth. He sau, some sage
about it and was told not to be a hot dog, because he couldn't cut the
mustard. I relish to tell you the entire story.
Best Regards,
Bruce
Mike Nolan
>HANKE
>Tim Hanke takes your five, keeps it for 5 years, and then sends you a
>check for $5 and says "We're even".
No, he sends you an IOU for $4.25, which is $5 less inflation.
--
Mike Nolan
RSHaas
=============
Kevin filed a complaint against Stan Booz? I must have miised that. What was
that all about?
RSHaas
StanB
"RSHaas" <rsh...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031019172158...@mb-m17.aol.com...
> Kevin filed a complaint against Stan Booz? I must have miised that. What
was
> that all about?
He thought the Minister of Finance was picking on him.
StanB
Spam Scone
That's correct. Caveman sent an email complaining about Stan Booz to
Beatriz, who dismissed the complaint.
Bill Wong
Tim Hanke wrote:
> You can tell a lot about a person when you ask them to break a bill for you.
>
> For example, here is what happens when you ask various posters here to give
> you change for a five-dollar bill:
>
> Tim Hanke
>
Actually, Tim, this is a more complex transaction than you think. The
first thing that happens is $1 is sent to your local Metro District.
As an adult member of USCF you have to subsidize the juniors to the
tune of 40%.
And why exactly do you want singles? You MUST value them more than you
value a 5 spot, so you need to pay for the utility you have gained. (Did
you think you could get something for nothing?) Now, finding out
exactly how many utils you seek to gain is a complex process, but after
an extensive analysis of your entire posting history (Research provided
by Dr. Louis Blair), I have plotted your indifference curves and
calculated that you have gained 2 utils. Utils are basically a
commodity and the last trade was at 12.5 cents per Util. Dr. Blair
asked no recompense for his work and actually thanked ME for the pleasure.
That takes care of the value transfer, but what about inflation? If
this transaction takes place during a Bachlerian hyperinflation my
spending power would be eroded by 55%.
How do I know you'll actually make the exchange when the time comes?
You might take my money and run. As an official of USCF, a nearly
bankrupt organization, you are a credit risk. I would require of you at
least 20% interest.
Finally, you are subject to a sin tax on the total amount exchanged.
What are you using the money for? Dancers don't appreciate singles. LMC
says that the adult entertainers he trains only accept hundreds, and
only discreetly (ie, you have to follow them into the bathroom to give
it to them). I had to give LMC 50 cents just to tell me that.
Back to the sin tax--some things are known to shorten your life--Booz,
cigarettes, cab fare in Budapest....will this require I use the
actuarial tables? The tax is 25%.
These amounts are to be remitted immediately, and, because GAAP has no
place here, all percentages are subtraced from the beginning amount of
the transaction and costs are incurred simultaneously. I have had a
friend, who shall remain nameless, provide you with a chart because it
contains numbers that I am able to fudge and confuse you with.
Money I "OWE" you..............$5.00
Metro District dues...........(-$1.00)
Subsidy to juniors............(-$2.00)
2 Utils @ 12.5 cents each.....(-$0.50)
Inflation.....................(-$2.75)
Credit Risk Compensation......(-$1.00)
LeModernCaveman Info..........(-$0.50)
Sin Tax.......................(-$1.25)
_______________________________________
Final Tally....................(-$4.00)
So you see Tim, you actually owe us $4. If you could just send that $4
as soon as possible, we will be able to be back on even footing and then
we can discuss future transactions from there. $4 is all we need.
Thanks.--Bill Wong
Kenneth Sloan
Is that the wurst you can do?
sandirhodes
"Bruce Draney" wrote
> Frankly, this couldn't be furter from the truth. He sau, some sage
> about it and was told not to be a hot dog, because he couldn't cut the
> mustard. I relish to tell you the entire story.
>
> Best Regards,
>
> Bruce
I ain't even gonna try.
NoMoreChess
>Money I "OWE" you..............$5.00
>Metro District dues...........(-$1.00)
>Subsidy to juniors............(-$2.00)
>2 Utils @ 12.5 cents each.....(-$0.50)
>Inflation.....................(-$2.75)
>Credit Risk Compensation......(-$1.00)
>LeModernCaveman
>Info..........(-$0.50)
>Sin Tax.......................(-$1.25)
>_______________________________________
>Final Tally....................(-$4.00)
>
>So you see Tim, you actually owe us $4.
Correction: 2 utils at 12.5 cents each equals only 25 cents. Hence, you
misstated Tim's actual debt by a full quarter dollar!
Next time, may I suggest getting a real mathematician, like myself, to do the
tricky calculations. Those college boys, like Bill, may know a lot of theory,
but when it comes to practical application, they sometimes get it Wong.
Bill Wong
>
You snipped the part that addressed that. "numbers that I can fudge and
confuse you with" See all is well.--Bill Wong (Finance and Economics
Double Major)
NoMoreChess
>You snipped the part that addressed that. "numbers that I can fudge and
>confuse you with" See all is well.--Bill Wong (Finance and Economics
>Double Major)
Ah, but if you had intended to confuse, why not say something like:
>>estimated value of utils: (-$0.50)
instead of:
>>>2 Utils @ 12.5 cents each.....(-$0.50)
?
Another good idea is to use fractions! How many readers here are going to
check your math if you do that? :-)
The proper change for a five is not what was given earlier (five ones), but:
four ones, three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel. That way you are prepared
for everything (except the one-penny horsey ride at the front of the
supermarket, that is.)
See -- all is well. --Bill Wong
Have you considered a career in politics? Say, as a Voo-doo Economics
expert.
"There is no budget deficit. We merely have a small cash-flow imbalance.
Our projections actually indicate a surplus on the horizon."*
*[Projecting two-hundred years forward, with severe austerity measures
implemented after we are all dead. Assumes a minimum of 2 percent annual
growth in the GNP, along with greatly increasing lifespans and other
fudge-factors.]
Bill Wong
NoMoreChess wrote:
>
> Ah, but if you had intended to confuse, why not say something like:
>
>
>>>estimated value of utils: (-$0.50)
>>
>
> instead of:
>
>
>>>>2 Utils @ 12.5 cents each.....(-$0.50)
>>>
>
> ?
Comedy of the absurd my friend :) If I didn't write out everything with
quantities and prices per, no one would have checked my math to see that
it was obviously wrong and it would have been less funny.
I worked in Rehoboth Beach this summer and parking meters are huge black
holes for quarters. People would come into the store all day long
asking for 4 quarters for a dollar. Our policy was to direct them to
the change machine, but I tried to convince the manager to sell quarters
3 for a dollar. He wouldn't do it. I would have done it if I could
have gotten everyone on board. It's a great plan really, people ride
around forever looking for a spot to park and then realize they need
quarters. By the time they come in asking for change they are desperate
and tired, nevermind the fact that these are mostly rich, out of state
tourists. The quarters at the end of the night could have been used to
buy the staff a pizza or something in the very least.--Bill Wong
Fifiela
Think it's illegal under "legal tender" laws.
Liam Too
> <<....but I tried to convince the manager to sell quarters 3 for a dollar.>>>
>
> Think it's illegal under "legal tender" laws.<<
Yep, but under the "barter laws" it's legal it if he meant change, as
the subject says, instead of sell.
Lance
sandirhodes
"Liam Too" wrote in message
> (Fifiela) wrote in message
> > <<....but I tried to convince the manager to sell quarters 3 for a
dollar.>>>
> >
> > Think it's illegal under "legal tender" laws.<<
>
> Yep, but under the "barter laws" it's legal it if he meant change, as
> the subject says, instead of sell.
>
> Lance
You can get by this by also giving them a piece of paper with about anything
on it (preferably an explanation as to why you only got 3 quarters), priced
at $.25, tax included. Really nice markup, too!