[ASL]: The 2002 Spuddy Awards, part 2
Tuomo
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As usual, we have multiple winners for Best Song, to go along with
multiple Runners-Up.
Best Song, to Rob Purdon for "Where the Streets Have Soviet Names"
(sung to the tune of "Where the Streets Have No Name" by U2 and
excerpted for brevity):
I have to rout
I need to hide
As you breach factory walls from the outside
I want to roll low
And place a Flame
Where the streets have Soviet names
I want to win, the CPP race
But my conscripts disappear without a trace
I want to take shelter from the iron rain
Where the streets have Soviet names...
Best Song, to Greg Dahl, for "Little Mermaid Gamers" (sung to the tune
of "Part of Your World" from the Little Mermaid soundtrack,
excerpted):
I got Russians and Germans a plenty
I got panzers and T-34s.
You 8-3-8s? I got twenty
But who cares, no big deal, I want moooooorre.
I wanta be where the gamers are
I wanta see them, see them eating
struggling to catch a glimpse of their...
whats that word again?
Oh yea, feeeeet!....
Best Song, to Mark Pitcavage, for "Get Back":
JJ was a squad who had a routing problem,
Couldn't find a building hex.
JJ left his grain but interdiction got him
When he boxed all those morale checks.
Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged.
Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged.
Get back, JJ. Go home.
Clever Colonel Cathcart thought he was a ten-three
But he was a six-plus-one.
All the squads around him couldn't hit an oak tree
But at least they could all still run.
Get back, get back.
Get back to where you once belonged...
Runners-Up:
Ian Daglish, for "Briefträger Pat"
Martin Vicca, for "Bob the 10-2"
Mark Pitcavage, for "Six Portage Points", "ASL Mailing List Blues",
"These Squads Were Made For Routing", and "Help"
Pete Belford, for "One Night in ASLOK"
WR Pinkley, for "Newbie Lust"
Janusz Maxe, for "A Barrikady Commissars song"
Lars-Petter Simonsen, for "Time" and "My Favorite Things"
Joakim Ruud, for "Rollin' in the Dice Cup"
Mike Reed, for "Riders on the StuG"
Steven Linton, for "A Musical Interlude"
Chas Argent, for "Curmudgeonly Ways"
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Sally-Struthersest Moment of Pathos, to Sam Belcher:
Don't the guys on the West coast want leaders named after them? Aren't
we people too? If you cut us, do we not bleed? If you dice us, do we
not whine?
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Best Bipolar Monologue, to Glenn Connot:
I have some REEEAL reality arguments with picking off people at 36
hexes
(that's 10FP at -3 for us IIFT devouts), but that argument will be
reserved for
another day... And you'll say, "But a 10-3 with 3 HMGs is so rare!"
and I'll say,
"Yes, but not nearly rare enough!" and you'll say "What scenarios
are _you_ playing?" and I'll say "Apparently the wrong ones" and
you'll say
"Well maybe you should ease off" and I'll say "Back off man, I gotta
get my fix"
and you'll say "Are we still talking about ASL?" and I'll say
"ummmmm... I think so..."
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Best Game Idea, to Ted Beale:
> More interested in the Pirate title. I think everyone likes pirates.
Actually, Brian, everyone likes strippers. Since nothing's happened
with
that martial arts design, I think I'll have to get back to designing
my card
game, Strippers(tm), wherein one has to defend one's dancers from the
poaching of other club owners, keep them off drugs, and deal with the
challenges of getting them to show up on the correct evening.
Player 1: Ha! Lexus got the 36DD implants!
Player 2: But I'll play my Lesbian Affair card. Lexus is now
romantically
involved with Jade, and switches clubs! Hand over that 'ho!
Player 1: Curse you, you pimp. (draws card). Well, well, well. Who
needs
Lexus... when you've got former adult film sensation, Saxon Bane!
You can't tell me this wouldn't be a collectable hit.
Runner-Up, to JR van Mechelen:
Here's a great new game idea: a card game simulating the ASLML
Flamewars. We
create cards with all the players (Brian Y, Brian W, Tate, Curt,
Perry, JR
Tracy, Generic Newbie, MMP, HOB, CH, etc [no particular significance
to the
names mentioned; they just came to mind in association with the
ASLML]).
Then we create action cards that you can play only if you have a
certain
player card, so only Generic Newbie can play "Post a simple question"
action
card, then someone with Grognard card can play the "how stupid can you
be?"
action card, resulting in the accumulation of ego points. When the HOB
card
holder plays a "Publish a new module" card, other players can hit the
MMP
card holder with a "Publish or Perish" card, allowing them to select a
card
from the MMP card holder's hand. Of course there would be many, many
"Test
Youse's Patience" cards. It would be a bit like "King Maker" meets
"Magic:
the Game." Play goes back and forth until someone wins or until
someone
leaves the room in disgust.
The only problem: I don't see how you win, and I don't see how it
would ever end ;-]
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Best Top Ten List, to Rob Wolkey for "Top 10 reasons why we are lucky
more
women don't play ASL":
10) The new Explore Feelings Phase comes after the Rout Phase in the
Sequence of Play.
9) Phlegm's nickname would be "Cutie Smuggun's"
8) Tate would never get the last word... well almost never.
7) The WHOLE world would know about the 'AT Gun off for VP' debacle.
6) Clip counters, emery board next, touch up with a little polish.
5) We would be chatting about Oprah's scenario of the month.
4) Another half of the population for Belcher to lose to.
3) Rosie the Riveter module would come out before AoO.
2) Belford's wife would be the editor of the Journal.
And the number 1 reason why we are lucky more women don't play ASL:
1) Counters would be stored in Tupperware rather than Planos.
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Longest Trip To Clue City, to Jim McLeod:
> uh Jim?
>
> It's ok folks, up here in Canada, we have a health care system that can take
> care of this. We're dispatching the men with white coats now. It may take
> a few weeks to get to Jim's place by dogsled, but we'll get there.
>
Men in white?
Painters? You're sending painters!
Excellent!
Runner-Up, to Pete Shelling:
> I also erred in taking tanks on the first date...
Well, I always bring my ASL stuff on the first date! Too bad I don't
get
too many second dates. Wonder why?
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Best Dad Thing, to Wayne Hadady:
> Per D6.83 a carrier HS/crew may unload as if it were a passenger
> (D6.5). May it also re-crew the carrier as if it were a passenger?
> It hurts my sense of symmetry to think that getting in take 4 times
> longer than getting out.
What, you've never traveled with kids?
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Best Guy Thing, to Dave Schipani:
Situation: Your opponent pulls off a brilliant move.
WHAT A GUY WOULD SAY TO HIS MALE OPPONENT:
"God damn you, you f***! Jesus Christ, I can't believe you pulled that
outta your ass! I guess you're not as stupid as you look, dickhead."
WHAT THE GUY IS REALLY THINKING:
"Congratulations. A brilliant move. I commend your skill."
WHAT A GIRL WOULD SAY TO HER FEMALE OPPONENT:
"Wow, that was amazing! You are sooooo good at this!"
WHAT THE GIRL IS REALLY THINKING:
"Bitch."
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Best Husband Thing, to Paul Ferraro:
> Where else could I live life as a monk and beat up on dwarfs?
Hmmm. That's a pretty apt description of a married man with multiple
small children.
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Best ASL Cameraderie, to Mark De Vries:
I played this same scenario against my esteemed, er, regular, er,
hasn't been
arrested for a deviant behavior lately, opponent and friend Jeff De
Young.
Runner-Up, to Jim McLeod:
> Maybe someone can enlighten me on this and convince me to preorder it...!
You will buy it because you are an ASL Geek just like the rest of us.
That's why.
Runner-Up, to Rob Wolkey:
Mike "here comes the clue bus!"
Ummm... Could you pass by Phlegm's house on the way?
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Best Victim of Style Points, to Mark Greenman, responding to the "What
Rule Would You Change?" thread:
E5.2... I would prohibit the Manhandling of Large Rafts into/out-of
Factory
stairwells. I never see this one coming.
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Best Story, Rant, or Extended Bit of Fluff, to Louie Manios:
> I'll be at WO but need to watch the Eagles at 4:30 on Saturday.
> Are there any sports bars or good places to watch a football game
> in Bowie? I assume since WO is always during the playoffs, this
> dilemma has come up before. Any help would be appreciated.
Jeff, you gotta be kidding. Have you been to Bowie? Bowie is this
sprawling, empty headed, pimply faced, aerosol sniffing, UFO
spotting,
angels get their wings every time a bell rings, "I believe wrestling
is real", suburban void. There are strip malls in Iowa that are more
happening than Bowie. Hell, there are bombed out Afghani villages
that
have more action (and have sheep that look better than the local
Bowie
wo-men.)
As for TV, it exists. Its just hard to see one since the locals are
usually glued to it, retina to cathode, in a strange Borglike
symbiotic relationship. But, if you can't catch the game on TV, there
are alternatives that we, your WO brethren, can provide that gives
you
that fresh (I can't believe its not a douche) "football" feeling
without
the football.
First Alternate, to Scott Drane:
Yes, I'm talking about the great Glass v Tower debate.
I realize that tempers are still short and egos still a little raw
from the last great FlameWar, so let me start with some well-
thought out, measured, technical observations on the advantages
of Glass over Towers:
Towers suck. ASLers who use Towers suck. Mothers of
ASLers who use Towers suck. Not only that, Tower-guys are
stupid. You can't spell right, you can't speak right, your country
probably didn't win as many medals in the Winter Olympics as
my country did, and you wear your socks on the wrong feet.
You can't play ASL worth a damn. You wouldn't know the ASLRB
if you were hit on the head with it. Version 1 or 2. You can't
even say 'grognard'. All you Tower guys should crawl back into
the stinky, slimy holes you crawled out of. Tower guys move in 3
squad stacks, never use Smoke, and Prep Fire 99% of their OB
when on the attack. Tower guys aren't even worthy of having
On All Fronts third-party products. Tower guys smell bad.
Runners-Up:
Paul Ferraro, for "The Night Before Christmas"
Mark Pitcavage, for "Top 30 Things I Did This Year", "Journal #4:
First Impressions",
"The Church of ASL", and "IIIFT vs IIFT vs IFT"
Ulric Schwela, for "The Finnish Concept of Cold"
Brien Martin, for "MMP/ASL Commercial"
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Best Twilight Zone Moment, to Bryan Holtby:
I have been hosting a private VASL game on my computer, using the
Local:5050
setting, and I was suddenly disconnected from myself......I am no
longer
sinc'd up with myself....I cannot type, counters I move can not be
seen by
my opponent nor is there any information in the control window when I
move
said counters...
So tell me, just how the f..k does this happen?
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Least Successful At Keeping It Simple, Stupid, to Fritz Tichy:
For me consistent changed terrain is OK. If I play PTO then woods
depiction IS jungle and bamboo IS brush. I have problems then when the
SSR says that brush is brush. :-)
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Best Rule Almost Remembered Right, to Chuck Payne:
> Could someone identify what the difference is between the 1st and 2nd
> versions of Hollow Legions?
I know, I know! 2nd Hollow Legions have a lower morale than 1st
Hollow
Legions and surrender instead of rally. See A29.32.
Runner-Up, to Björn Doolaeghe:
> What's the difference between hard and soft LOS hindrances
> (specifically), and what terrain types fall into which category??
Hard hindrances are those that, due to physics, you can't look through
easily. Such as a grain field. No matter how good your eyes are,
light just doesn't travel through.
However, soft hindrances don't have to be a problem, but they are.
It's a psychological thing.
Your marines land on a beach attacking the IJA and the beach is filled
with thong-clad young women. Even though the IJA are in sight, your
marines can't take their eyes of the young ladies. Soft hindrance.
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Most Helpful VASL Tech Support, to Chris Milne:
> There does seem to be a bug where board un-reverse when you save
> and re-load a game, so that could be annoying.
Yeah. I found the easiest way (where you have to reverse one board)
is to unreverse them before saving, then re-reverse them when you
start again. The problem isn't that the boards un-reverse; it's that
the counters don't unreverse with them (but do re-reverse with them
when you start again). If you see what I mean.
Runner-Up, to Janusz Maxe:
> Am I doing something wrong ? When I save a VASL map image (to .ppm) and
> import it in Paint Shop Pro I get it in black and white? Is this normal?
You are perfectly normal. First, you have to understand that all
people are
different. Some are tall, some short, some have a new computer, and
others get
their VASL maps in b&w. You just have to get used to your special
traits.
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Best Preparedness for the Afterlife, to Frank Payne:
My own opinion is that I want to see the system complete because
I have traveled this long road, and I want to have the complete system
to be piled under my dead body for my Viking funeral !!!
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ONCE AGAIN we come to the climax of the evening, the moment we've all
been waiting for... the award for Best Post. This time out we have
five Runners-Up in addition to our Grand Champion. The envelopes,
please...
FIFTH Runner-Up, to Steve Swann:
I agree that you should always play to the last possible turn, but it
is really
hard to do when there are no survivors after the first fire phase.
FOURTH Runner-Up, to Glenn Connot:
A CH is more a frame of mind, when you see those snake eyes on the
dice
and you feel that sudden and fleeting surge of adrenalin and think,
"Wow, this is going to be good. This could win me the game."
Then, like always, your mind races as to what the effect of a "2" on
the roll is,
realize it means nothing, and curse the devil for it. Then those
endorphins are
summarily kicked in the groin and wrenched from your biological
processes,
and replaced with whatever the hell biochemical pisses you off, but
you don't care
what it is 'cuz you're too pissed off to be concerned with what
@#&%ing substance is
coursing through your veins. Then you take another swig of beer,
place your
smoke counter, and realize you just shot the wrong hex.
THIRD Runner-Up, to David Olie:
Mike wrote, re. the question of what vehicle type has the most
counters:
> Yep I was right, LVT2(m).
So, what you're saying is, we're all up to our asses in Alligators.
SECOND Runner-Up, to Bruce Probst:
If your same-level LOS passes through a printed bridge hex, but does
not
pass through the actual bridge depiction, there is no hindrance
(B6.2). No
problem there.
If your same-level LOS passes through a vehicle counter at any point
of the
hex, there is a hindrance (subject to some exceptions) -- D9.4. Fair
enough.
The combination of these two rules leads to the interesting phenomena
of a
vehicle hindering LOS on a bridge that doesn't <g>.
FIRST Runner-Up, to Sandon Kallstrom:
> That's pretty much it. Note the constant reminders of past mistakes. You're
> not "good" at this game as much as you are "experienced".
Geez Tom, you're starting to sound like my wife.
A hush comes over the audience. And a drum roll, please!
Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada….
And the Spuddy Award For Best Post of 2002 GOES TO:
BRIAN WILLIAMS
> On the side, anyone know why they changed it?
Because they did not like the rule as written and they own the
rules.
Or, MMP, like butterflies and little girls, needs no reason.
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(cue Susan Tedeschi and the NBC Orchestra playing "Angel From
Montgomery")
Well, that's it for the Spuddy Awards 2002! Congratulations to the
winners and especially Brian! Along with my co-host Cathy Rogers,
goodbye from the Civic Auditorium in Idaho Falls, drive safe everybody
and roll low!