Can I play with the cucumber?

[Judith Latham]

anonymous asks:

I got a little creative one day and put a well-washed cucumber with
Saran Wrap up my vagina while I was horny. I was wondering if this is
safe, and if there's anymore ideas that I could use because I don't get
pleasure from my fingers.

Judith replies:

People improvise with all manner of implements when they masturbate.
Some choices are better than others.

A cucumber is a common item people use for penetrative play. However it
is advisable to use a proper latex condom instead of a piece of cling
film. Cling film doesn't stay on very well, and it can make folds and
corners that might not seem jagged or sharp to you at first, but with
friction they can really scrape the holy heck out of your delicate
vaginal lining.

In general, if you are going to improvise a dildo, make sure you pick
and item that is smooth with no points or edges and won't break nor
shatter under a reasonable amount of pressure. Also, it should go
without saying, but please only use items that solely belong to you. If
you use the cucumber it should be thrown away afterwards or at the very
least not put anywhere where someone would pick it up and make a salad
out of it.

[Hank Rogers]

Send those used cukes to Popeye. He'd not hesitate to put them in
his salad.

[Thomas Joseph]

On Sunday, July 24, 2022 at 5:51:04 PM UTC-4, Judith Latham wrote:

> anonymous asks:

Will read your post "momentarily", like in less than a minute actually,
but feel compelled to ask who "Anonymous" is exactly. Is it you?
Reminds me of a question/answer column just coming out for the
first time and wondering where the questions came from. I will read
your comments - NOW.

[Thomas Joseph]

On Sunday, July 24, 2022 at 5:51:04 PM UTC-4, Judith Latham wrote:

I do not consider myself gay but must admit I've never been a huge fan
of the vagina either. On the right looking female I like all the stuff around
it though. I guess in a way the vagina is like Seinfeld on the Seinfeld show,
not so funny, certainly not the star of the show, but what brings it all together.
I guess the vagina is like that. I dig on the stink and the upper areas of it, the
soft pouty outer lips - but the wide spread inside of a vagina, ugh, it makes me
want to puke.

By the way, selfish me, still haven't read your post. Good God, what a
selfish fuck I am. Ok, I'll read it now.

I'm a little high. I forgot, I actually did read it the first time. I was not that
into it because it seems to me that anyone who needs instructions on masturbating
is an idiot or a sock puppet for the advice giver. I can see someone giving you a
suggestion you never asked for and maybe giving it a try at some point, but to go
around asking other people the best ways to masturbate, wow, I guess it's like
Louis Armstrong supposedly said when someone asked him what jazz is, "If
you gotta ask, you'll never know." I hate the quote but I get it. Even more so
with jerking off. God, you live with the thing for Christ's sake, and now you're
asking other people the best way to use it? People that stupid should not have
the right to play with themselves under any and all conditions.

[Ed Pawlowski]

On 7/24/2022 5:50 PM, Judith Latham wrote:
> anonymous asks:
>
> I got a little creative one day and put a well-washed cucumber with
> Saran Wrap up my vagina while I was horny. I was wondering if this is
> safe, and if there's anymore ideas that I could use because I don't get
> pleasure from my fingers.
>
> Judith replies:
>
> People improvise with all manner of implements when they masturbate.
> Some choices are better than others.
>
> A cucumber is a common item people use for penetrative play. However it
> is advisable to use a proper latex condom instead of a piece of cling
> film.

Two nuns wen tot he supermarket and in the produce section, the sign
read "Cucumbers, 3 for $1" They stood and looked and finally one said
"we can always eat one"

[Thomas]

OT but,
A priest and a rabbi see a boy in an alley.
The priest says "let's fuck him"
Rabbi says 'outta what?"

[Judith Latham]

I am not at liberty to provide the answer you seek. When I promise
someone anonymity, I stay true to my word. I must confess; I've become a
yenta. If I reveal my sources, who will confide in me?

[OllieN...@aol.com]

On Sunday, July 24, 2022 at 5:51:04 PM UTC-4, Judith Latham wrote:

How about cooking it with semen? Do you need some?

[Judith Latham]

Such vulgarity is not necessary and is unwelcome.

[Hank Rogers]

LOL

[Thomas Joseph]

> OT but,
> A priest and a rabbi see a boy in an alley.
> The priest says "let's fuck him"
> Rabbi says 'outta what?"

Wow, incredible, short and simple and yet I couldn't get it at first
because I kept seeing "outta what?" meaning "for what reason?" instead
of screwing him out of something. Wow. Even funnier is I had head it
before at some point, I remember now.

Here's one. If it seems long it's because it's hard to write short, at least
for me.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing their methods for the collection
plate. The Priest says, "Our method is simple. We draw a circle and toss the
money into the air. Whatever lands inside the circle is ours, whatever lands
outside belongs to God."

The minister says, "Ours is the same except in reverse, whatever lands outside
the circle is ours, anything inside belongs to God."

The rabbi says, "Our is similar. We also toss the collection into the air. Whatever
God wants he can grab."

[Thomas Joseph]

Ed Pawlowski wrote:

> Two nuns wen tot he supermarket and in the produce section, the sign
> read "Cucumbers, 3 for $1" They stood and looked and finally one said
> "we can always eat one"

Cute one. I suspect it was a Jew who wrote this joke about the nuns because
it has the Jewish motif to it, the cash thing - not that it is theirs alone by any
means. Funny though. I like some religious jokes. There are some smart ones.

Like the one where a guy joins a monastery where no talking is allowed
except once every 20 years when they can go into the Abbot's office and
are allowed to say two words. First time called in the monk is told, "It's
been 20 years, you have two words. Anything to say?", and the monk says,
"Bad food."

Another 20 years, same thing, comes in for two words, this time, "Hard bed."

Another 20 go by and he gets to speak to more words: "I quit!" And the
head guy says, "I thought so, you've been bitching ever since you got here."

[Thomas Joseph]

Judith Latham wrote:

OllieN...@aol.com wrote:


> How about cooking it with semen? Do you need some?


> Such vulgarity is not necessary and is unwelcome.

Unwelcome vulgarity is the best kind, maybe the only kind. But I can't say
for sure because I am not an expert on vulgarity, and besides that I feel a
shit coming on and I think it's going to be a real stinker. If stink made noise
I'd record it. I want to share. There is nothing vulgar about wanting to share.

Let's share

[Thomas Joseph]

Gotta hand it to youJudith, you are a top notch marketer the way you got me and
maybe others into reading your post on the basis alone of the word cucumber in
the thread title. Let's face it, when most people hear cucumber they tend to think
of the penis, don't they? So it's funny and telling how you used the cock to draw
people into reading about the vagina. I told you before, the cock is the star of the
show, even for total straight guys.

For example, when a woman sees a guy with an erection she automatically
assumes she gave it to him. Wrong. He like all men was walking hard on from
the time God put him on earth. Sure it's nice to have a woman play with it. But
it's usually for their own egotistical procreation driven purposes. Get it hard, not
to make it feel good but to get it ready to make babies.

But let's face reality, the cock is going to get hard whether the woman is there or
not. It's nice to have the real thing at times, a real woman, I can't deny it. But
overall I'll go with the no strings jerk off policy.

Does anybody know how I can get started jerking off? Any tutorials on the subject?

[Judith Latham]

Well, you have mentioned in the past your sexual experiences with men.
Use the same advice I offered to the young lady but use it in your ass.
Once it's in deep enough, tug away and have a party.

[jmcquown]

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously,
you can do what I do and take them into the shower with you.

Jill

[Thomas Joseph]

Judith Latham wrote:

> Well, you have mentioned in the past your sexual experiences with men.

Hah hah, yes I have had what passes for sex with men, for money when I
was younger. Mechanical stuff not requiring erection-based involvement
of any kind. If I were gay I'd admit it. In fact I do admit some oddities and
in fact enjoy revealing them. For example, not being attracted sexually to
men in any form yet thinking a woman with a cock might be quite a sexual
draw. I am gay in the respect that I have a cock and when I was younger
I played with it a lot.

I remember one night at the Hollywood poolroom my uncle and a bunch
of other regulars debating my gayness on the basis of my money endeavors
in that regard. My uncle said any man who has any kind of sex with another
man is gay. At the very same time we were having the discussion there were
3 lesbian whores nearby trying to hook up with some Mexican regulars for
some sex for money. I mentioned it to my uncle. "So, you're sure, those girls
are lesbian, right?" He said yes. So did other guys who knew them. Yet nobody
accused them of being straight for having sex for money with straight men.
Same thing. Pretty funny. Other than that believe me if I were gay I'd be the
first to admit it, especially now at this age looking back and thinking of all the
great gay sex I could have had if I had only stayed come out of the closet, dammit.

[Thomas Joseph]

Judith Latham wrote:

> I am not at liberty to provide the answer you seek. When I promise
> someone anonymity, I stay true to my word. I must confess; I've become a
> yenta. If I reveal my sources, who will confide in me?

I wasn't seeking an answer to anything, just commenting on advice
columns and wondering how they get their start. You mean you never
wondered about that? "So and So from New Rochelle writes_____________",
blah blah blah, and the advice columnist responds. But this is the first
edition of her column - ever. Where did the letter come from? I used to
enjoy reading some of those columns but lost my taste for it gradually
and then for good a few decades ago.

Speaking of advise columns, I had a friend in L.A. who hated having a job -
and I don't blame him - and he finally got his wish and got on local welfare
which put him up in a skid row hotel along with a monthly supply of food
stamps. A few years earlier he inherited 15 G's from a relatives and quit
working - and I don't blame him. But I knew it wouldn't last long. He was
an extremely frugal guy but was not living up to his normal frugal standards
when he had that cash.

Anyway, when he lost his small apartment and went through the welfare
application process he gave me a bunch of boxes of stuff to hold for him.
I myself was quickly approaching kick out time and told him so. I don't think
he cared. The boxes took up a lot of space. I was very judicious. I went
through the boxes, about 8 of them, throwing out stuff I knew for a fact
he did not need and would not miss. I pared it down to 3 boxes. One box
which I tossed in its entirety contained nothing but self help books, how to do
this, how to do that, how to manage one's life, blah blah blah. Dave knew I
thought that stuff was funny and he didn't mind me laughing because he knew
it was funny too. He was an admitted procrastinator. Your advise column post
reminds me of the self help books. The same kind of people involved in both
rackets, actually the same racket, trying to make more money than they already
have by telling other people how they can do it too. Funny stuff, but it got old
as humor tends to do sometimes. Hah hah hah