An explanation and a story : LONG
Muse
zoophilia. While not explicit or tasteless, if you don't want to know I'm
sorry you had to download it, and I advise you ignore or delete it. If you
are in any way involved in this discussion I urge you to PLEASE read this...
I haven't gone through the pains of laying my life bare here so it can be
ignored.
It is hideously off-topic, but I'm desperate here. I have a great number of
people pulling punches on me and it's all going wrong; this post is a
last-ditch attempt to explain myself so I can perhaps be accepted enough for
people to stop! I don't hurt animals, and I have an interest in animals
that goes WAAAAY beyond anything so shallow as sex.
Okay. Now a lot of folk are saying things about and to me that I find both
difficult to accept and understand. This is almost certainly because either
I'm completely wrong on all this and genuinely insane (I don't like this
option myself) or because there's a lack of understanding/belief on some
parts. I'm going to tackle the latter point, as in doing so I'll probably
prove or disprove the former point!
Right. Well let's see... as some of you already know, my name's Russell,
though I go by the pseudonym Muse. I'm a zoophile, and this is a BIIIG
problem for both myself and many on the group. So I'd like to take a dive
here and explain a few things; possible reasons WHY I'm a zoophile, my
opinions on certain related issues and a little of my past. I'll start with
the last point... 'tis just the way I often tackle things!
I'm 18 years old right now. I'm living in Wales, with my parents and pets
(four Yorkshire Terrier dogs). I'm currently doing my final year of
A-Levels (business studies, computing and mathematics) before hopefully
going on to University; web design, graphic design or multimedia. However,
I haven't lived in Wales all my life.
I was born in Bermuda, a small island in the Atlantic ocean some way off the
coast of Florida. About 25 miles long and 5 miles. At the time my mother
was in an abusive relationship with my father who was regularly beating her.
I had a brother four years older than me, who today I get on well with. I
spent the first four years of my life on this tiny island, and I don't
remember anything of it. I've been back since though, and people have told
me I was very happy there.
As anyone here who is a child psychologist might tell you, these first four
years of a child's life are when he or she fixes much of their personality
for the rest of their life. I was a very forward, positive, assertive,
confident child; very creative, and fascinated with everything and anything
around me. I still am many of those things.
But as I say, when I was four years old I left Bermuda. My mother had
divorced her abusive husband and remarried an academic; my present father is
a genius, if a little insensitive and unloving at times. Still I remember
nothing of this past. However, I know that my first four years in Wales, in
the UK, were spent on an awful council estate. The British way is very
different from the Bermudian way, and it was a severe culture shock. The
British idea that children should be seen but not heard was totally opposite
to what I'd been taught in Bermuda, and this was to lead to some serious
trouble for me.
Teachers didn't know how to handle me. I didn't fit in, and I began to have
some real trouble socialising. Slowly I withdrew into myself and over the
years became more and more of an introvert. It was at this time that I had
the first pets I can remember (I had a rabbit in Bermuda, but don't remember
it). Three cats; Teena, Donna and Bonnie. Well cats being cats they all
died; they either got run over or just disappeared, although I know that
Donna actually got cancer. After they had died my parents got our first
dog, a Yorkshire Terrier that we named Biscuit (don't ask!).
So here I was, with my same creativeness and fascination in everything
around me; while I was being rejected by everyone and everything. It was
actually very traumatic; my first memories that I have of life are of social
rejection probably at the age of... seven or eight. So as I say, I began to
draw myself inwards and become more and more introvert. This meant I had
more time for me and I learned so many things; by ten I had an adult reading
age, and was a proficient computer programmer in BASIC. I was doing private
research into physics, and was a tremendously bright but shy individual.
Anyhow, when I was about eight or nine my family finally moved from the
awful council estate I had been living in to a much nicer private estate;
though still in Wales, and still in a very tough part of Wales. So my
school life was no better, as I was now one of a few 'rich kids' (my dad
quickly became a financial director of a group of companies; I really
respected that) in a poor area. I became the victim of some really quite
cruel bullying, often being beaten and generally taunted and rejected by the
kids around me.
So by now my faith in humanity was lying in tatters. I'd come from one
lifestyle to another that was totally alien to me; and my inability to fit
in with this new lifestyle was just so painful!
After our first year in my new home, our first dog, Biscuit, died. He fell
down a crevasse. This is something I DO remember, and I remember it was the
first time I really remember being upset at the death of a pet. After
Biscuit's death we got another terrier, Ralph. A few years later we adopted
another terrier Lucy (a right state; ecsthma, asthma, she'd been through
four families and suffered in a similar way to myself, I suppose. She seems
younger now at 14 than when we got at 7). Further down the line came two
puppies, Annie and Rosie.
Still I have these four dogs around me, and they're just adorable! So damn
cute; and all absolutely tiny. It's quite easy to carry all four at once if
needs be. So basically, I'd through my entire been loved by no-one except
my family and my pets. This is where I got the idea that animals are equal
to, and in cases superior to humans. I see none of the pettiness I see in
humans; none of the vindictiveness, the selfishness, the greed. Oh, and at
the age of six my parents became vegetarian, and without a word on the
matter I followed suit; I voluntarily have been wholly vegetarian since age
six.
As far as my sexuality; well up until about 13 I was a pretty normal, if
overknowledgeable and overzealous chap when it came to sex. Inexperienced,
I did have a few 'girlfriends', really just acquintences who I never seemed
to get on with for too long. A few months and it would be over. But then
at the age 13 something damn scary happened. I was walking my dogs through
some fields; the way you do; when I came upon two horses. At that time
those horses suddenly struck me as being intensely erotic and beautiful.
As I say, this was damn scarey. I didn't know what to do, and just thought
it best to forget all about it. I tried my damndest to not think about it;
but increasingly I was feeling a yearning for these two horses! At first it
was simply a sexual attraction; I didn't act on it, nor have I thusfar. But
over the ensuing five years, to the present day, slowly that sexual
attraction has changed, and increasingly it's a spiritual, emotional thing.
More and more my life has been consumed by this; and I love horses today
more than anything I can think of; at times it seems even myself. With the
change of feeling towards horses came a change of feeling towards the idea.
What was at first a scarey thing is today something integral to me and my
life; and I don't want to change! It seems to make perfect sense now, and
it seems as normal to me as anything about me.
So to summarise, over the years I think I've replaced women and people in my
life with horses. It sounds totally stupid, but to me it FEELS natural!
And I myself am certainly not stupid. As I mentioned earlier, my
introvertedness gave me a lot of time to myself; time for contemplation and
thought. I spent about two years researching electricity and physics, and
have achieved some amazing results in school. I have several theories I've
arrived at myself concerning time, and I've given thought to matters such as
money that I don't think many have. I sit and ponder questions, such as
"What would happen to light being emitted by car headlights, if that car
were travelling at the speed of light?". I mean, light IS the only thing in
the universe that cannot be accelerated or decellerated. But I'm rambling
here...
And my creative side; as some of you will know if there's one thing that is
necessary for creativity, it's life experience. Look to Van-Goch; cutting
his ear off! René Magritte (a Belgian Some of the experiences I've had
over the past few years; family cases of clinical depression and suicide
attempts, clinical hyperactivity, the therapy sessions... it's been an
interesting few years. Today I'm a budding and, it seems, promising web
developer. I have knowledge of graphic design, interface design (I've been
writing Windows software for six years), HTML, JavaScript, Cascading Style
Sheets, I'm learning Java and C++... I'm not one to rest on my laurels! And
then there's the amateur photography, the pastel works, the stationary
design, the interior decorating...
So now you know a little of me; perhaps you can look at me and my zoophilia
in a slightly different light? Okay... so perhaps it is something that I
should get help with, but I don't want to! I don't want to go back to being
normal; I love horses, and I suppose I love being eccentric!
Of course there are MAJOR drawbacks to this decision. First, there's a lot
of pain involved for me. People assume that I'm an animal abuser, who's
looking to animals simply as a sexual outlet. This is not true. Also, I'm
faced with life in a world where people look to animals as inferior and
subservient to man. I can cite as evidence here the stories of late
involving the 30 or so horses that were shot, the six dogs that were
poisoned, the more recent story about the puppy-farms.
When I read that story of the horse shooting I began to genuinely cry, and
felt physically sick. At the time I made a post on the matter...
"This is perhaps the most disturbing thing I've read in a long time. I
don't
understand it all, and I don't want to. All I feel I can muster is that the
people behind this are clearly insane. This is not; cannot be the act of a
rational being.
They are indeed magnificent beasts; that they can be fallen so easily by the
devilry of a single gunman is bewildering, and frightening. I know I shall
enjoy a less sound night's sleep tonight than I have for a LOOOOONG time.
Muse
Almost crying."
Unfortunately this kinda emotion many people see as false, or part of a
facade. Well as you'll know having read all the above where it comes to my
attitudes to horses and all animals I've been nothing short of genuine with
you all. I don't think I've made a single post to the list so far where
I've said anything untrue or even exagerated.
This whole issue on the list has come about at a bad time as well. Only a
month or so ago I saw the last of a Welsh Pony that I'd been very much in
love with for some two years. The farming crisis here in Wales meant that
the land owner couldn't afford to keep going, and the land was all sold on.
With the land owners went this particular pony. One day I went to see him
and generally give him a little scritching, and he wasn't there. *sigh*
Still, one advantage of amateur photography... I have some wonderful
portrait shots to remember him by.
---------------------------------------------------------
Well, it WAS long! I hope this helps some people to understand me, and I
know it gives those who don't want to plenty of ammunition to use against
me. *sigh*
I have to admit, this post has been physically and emotionally draining...
I'm shaking. I can't think what else to say.
Russ, aka Muse,
---------------------------------------------------------
E-Mail : mu...@msd.net
dana
I am not saying this at all flippantly, however, have you been checked for manic
depression? Your account of your life had many things in it which lead me to
believe that you may suffer from this disorder. I am honestly not being mean.
It is just that I have known a few people who were and your post mentioned many
things that lead me to believe that you are as well. If you suspect that you
may be then please get checked out. There are many options (meds and non) that
can make your life more bearable.
If I am wrong then I sincerely apologize for my post.
Dana
Charlie
imagine
>you're ill all the time called?
>
Hypochondria.
Russ ... I agree with Dana's post. Because humans have treated you badly,
you have retreated to the animal kingdom. My pets are my kids ... I still
have a hard time dealing with the death of my cherished Maine Coon cat ...
who died on my birthday last year. My husband has a hard time understanding.
Anyway ... I am not a clinical diagnostician ... but, I can say this about
manic-depression. If you experience periods of sadness for no reason ...
general irritability ... tend to be a workaholic ... maybe even a
perfectionist ... you may want to see someone to be able to "smooth" the
highs and lows out. Sometimes even generally "happy" people can be diagnosed
this way. Many have a true chemical inbalance that either diet or medication
(non addictive by the way) can help. While a vegetarian lifestyle may be
ideal, there may be contributing factors there as well ... your diet may not
be giving you everything you need. One of the herbal remedies is St. John's
Wort.
Please see a professional ... self diagnosis will only drive you "crazy."
K
Bruce Tait
>
> Oh don't be like that! This is probably the most sincere and genuine reply
> any post of mine has ever recieved, and I thank you for your concern. Just
> out of curiousity... erm... what do I need to be looking for when it comes
> to manic depression? I mean, is it just the classic depression symptoms? I
> at times do feel depressed, but I don't think seriously!
Go see a psychiatrist, as soon as possible. Unlike a psychologist,
a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication to help
with depression.
> Aww jeeps... I'm almost scared now! What's that condition where you imagine
> you're ill all the time called?
That would be hypochondria, which is also a form of mental
illness. And whether you want to face up to it or not, so is zoophilia.
You seriously need professional help, and I say that out of concern, not
ridicule.
Stay safe and in the saddle,
Bruce Tait
Quincy Police Mounted Unit
Quincy, MA
robf...@my-dejanews.com
"Muse" <mu...@msd.net> wrote:
> Before I begin let me say that this post concerns me, my past, and my
> zoophilia. While not explicit or tasteless, if you don't want to know I'm
> sorry you had to download it, and I advise you ignore or delete it. If you
> are in any way involved in this discussion I urge you to PLEASE read this...
> I haven't gone through the pains of laying my life bare here so it can be
> ignored.
>
Thank you for the post. It was quite interesting. Especially in that your
childhood is very reminiscent of mine. I grew up in a verbally abusive
family, and my only friends were the cats, the dogs, and my horses. I was the
smart kid, as well as the fat kid, at school, so I had no friends there. My
animals loved me unconditionally.
Our parallels diverge, tho, because I never lost my focus on the opposite sex
as desirable objects of affection. Maybe it's because when things looked
darkest for me, a boy would show up who could see beyond the thick glasses,
the brightness, and the ungainly body to the person underneath. They were few
and far between, but they kept my feet on the path.
All thru my life my animals have been my closest friends, my confidants, my
comforters, even tho I doubt they realize it on the same level. It doesn't
matter; they always knew when I was hurting, and they showed me they cared in
their own ways. Even now, when I was scared I had ovarian cancer and was
crying in Dee's mane, she curved her neck around and hugged me against her
shoulder. She comforted me when I needed it.
Russ, you are very young and not at all finished. You also sound like you
might suffer from or at least be a candidate for a depressive disorder. I
have chronic depression, and take Prozac every day for it. I wasn't diagnosed
until I was 37. I have a chemical imbalance which results in not enough
serotonin in the brain, resulting in depression--Prozac straightened it out
and I finally found out that there really is such a thing as being happy; I
had thought everyone else was faking it, too.
Your love for and delight in animals is a wonderful thing. However, humans
can also offer love and companionship--it just takes the right person. I
don't think you need any counseling for your feelings about animals, but I do
think you should have yourself screened for depressive disorders. Diagnosis,
medication (if required), and/or therapy can open you up to the possibility
of meaningful relationships with humans (male or female) as well as animals.
I think the term "zoophile" is unfortunate--literally speaking, a zoophile
loves animals. There isn't an overt sexual connotation to that. Beastiality,
on the other hand....
You are also not the first person to fall under the spell of horses--there is
indeed something uplifting and powerful in watching horses be horses. In the
young this could easily be misinterpreted as sexual. As an inexperienced 18
year old, I felt something when I was with my horses that I might have called
erotic. Now, at 41, I see it from an experienced viewpoint, and know the
difference between sexual passion and aesthetic passion. There is a certain
elevation of the spirit that occurs when you are riding or driving a horse,
you are aware in every fiber of your body and soul of this majestic, noble
animal, and you feel a sense of communion when you both click, and the horse
does what you request almost before you ask. It doesn't always happen, some
days your horse doesn't want to do anything except argue, you can't find that
groove, and you settle for not being stepped on. But when it does happen,
it's magic, and it's what we all strive to recreate every time we mount up or
pick up the lines.
This is the true partnership of human and horse. Don't deny it to yourself
thru misunderstanding your response to the beauty, grace, and presence of the
horse.
Hope this helps.
--
Lorri
Scratchbottom Shires
Hoping Dee and I click again after surgery
http://www.geocities.com/Yosemite/Forest/4242/
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Muse
Oh don't be like that! This is probably the most sincere and genuine reply
any post of mine has ever recieved, and I thank you for your concern. Just
out of curiousity... erm... what do I need to be looking for when it comes
to manic depression? I mean, is it just the classic depression symptoms? I
at times do feel depressed, but I don't think seriously!
Aww jeeps... I'm almost nervous now! *grin*
Muse
>
>I am not saying this at all flippantly, however, have you been checked for
manic
>depression? Your account of your life had many things in it which lead me
to
>believe that you may suffer from this disorder. I am honestly not being
mean.
>It is just that I have known a few people who were and your post mentioned
many
>things that lead me to believe that you are as well. If you suspect that
you
>may be then please get checked out. There are many options (meds and non)
that
>can make your life more bearable.
>
>If I am wrong then I sincerely apologize for my post.
Oh don't be like that! This is probably the most sincere and genuine reply
any post of mine has ever recieved, and I thank you for your concern. Just
out of curiousity... erm... what do I need to be looking for when it comes
to manic depression? I mean, is it just the classic depression symptoms? I
at times do feel depressed, but I don't think seriously!
Aww jeeps... I'm almost scared now! What's that condition where you imagine
you're ill all the time called?
Russ, aka Muse,
---------------------------------------------------------
E-Mail : mu...@msd.net
Chris Gordon
If you like being considered a pervert, more power to you.
Just go away.
CMG
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Chris Gordon
On Thu, 07 Jan 1999 22:45:36 -0500, Bruce Tait <bt...@erols.com> wrote:
>Muse wrote:
>>
>> Oh don't be like that! This is probably the most sincere and genuine reply
>> any post of mine has ever recieved, and I thank you for your concern. Just
>> out of curiousity... erm... what do I need to be looking for when it comes
>> to manic depression? I mean, is it just the classic depression symptoms? I
>> at times do feel depressed, but I don't think seriously!
>
> Go see a psychiatrist, as soon as possible. Unlike a psychologist,
>a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medication to help
>with depression.
>
>> Aww jeeps... I'm almost scared now! What's that condition where you imagine
>> you're ill all the time called?
>
Muse
Charlie wrote in message <773kpu$b...@dfw-ixnews10.ix.netcom.com>...
>>Aww jeeps... I'm almost scared now! What's that condition where you
>imagine
>>you're ill all the time called?
>>
>
>Russ ... I agree with Dana's post. Because humans have treated you badly,
>you have retreated to the animal kingdom. My pets are my kids ... I still
>have a hard time dealing with the death of my cherished Maine Coon cat ...
>who died on my birthday last year. My husband has a hard time
understanding.
Hmm... well in my case it's a little late (I think) to worry about the
cause; whatever, at least it's left me a more sensitive, emotional,
thoughtful, creative person. Certainly characteristics not to be sniffed
at! I think it's improved my character, despite the fact that my social and
communication skills are almost zero.
I can identify with the death of your cat; I have a Yorkshire Terrier dog,
Lucy, who I've pretty much adopted as a daughter. She's 15 and I know that
she hasn't got long left; the thought of her dying is REALLY hard for me to
cope with, she's been my best friend through all these years! It was quite
a shock when we found she was going deaf, too.
>Anyway ... I am not a clinical diagnostician ... but, I can say this about
>manic-depression. If you experience periods of sadness for no reason ...
>general irritability ... tend to be a workaholic ... maybe even a
>perfectionist ... you may want to see someone to be able to "smooth" the
>highs and lows out. Sometimes even generally "happy" people can be
diagnosed
>this way. Many have a true chemical inbalance that either diet or
medication
>(non addictive by the way) can help. While a vegetarian lifestyle may be
>ideal, there may be contributing factors there as well ... your diet may
not
>be giving you everything you need. One of the herbal remedies is St. John's
>Wort.
Well I think my diet is quite well balanced; but one thing you mention,
workaholicism(!?) and perfectionism. I can definitely see those evident. I
mean, at the moment I'm working on an illustration for one of my three web
sites, while I need to redo the heading graphics for another of them. The
third site is due for a complete visual overhaul. I'm writing and
developing ideas for Windows software, I've got my 3 A-Levels to worry
(maths exam in... four days), and I regularly exchange about 30 - 40k of
e-mail a day. I keep telling myself I should cut back... but I can't!
>Please see a professional ... self diagnosis will only drive you "crazy."
Yes, it seems I should. *sigh* Well, I suppose it's all part of life; best
just get through it and get on with it!
Muse
Chris Gordon wrote in message <7743il$4mm$0...@204.249.164.178>...
>Just grow up and go away.
>
>If you like being considered a pervert, more power to you.
>
>Just go away.
I'm getting increasingly fed up. I've had probably something like a dozen
posters make and state opinions of me based solely on that word they've
read, 'zoophilia'. Nobody has yet provided any evidence as to my character;
good or bad. Nobody has pointed me to a single post that I made in which I
was innacurate, lying, flaming, rude, tasteless, explicit, indecent, unfair,
immoral, or anything similar!
Until somebody can provide substantial evidence that I'm a 'bad' or
'immoral' person, I request people not judge me as such. The fact that I'm
a zoophile alone is not sufficient evidence; as I've justified and explained
in my ealier post, "An explanation and a story". And as for growing up!
I'd like to think I've done that; where I'm not defending myself you may
find I have a suprising insight and maturity.
STOP JUDGING ME WITHOUT THE EVIDENCE!
Right... now I'm off to calm down and get some maths revision in.
Betsy Walker
I'm getting increasingly fed up. I've had probably something like a dozen
posters make and state opinions of me based solely on that word they've
read, 'zoophilia'. Nobody has yet provided any evidence as to my character;
good or bad. Nobody has pointed me to a single post that I made in which I
was innacurate, lying, flaming, rude, tasteless, explicit, indecent, unfair,
immoral, or anything similar!
I would suggest to you that your time might be better spent learning to love yourself instead of attempting to find love here on RecEq. Your desperation for acceptance bothers me more than your admission of zoophilia. Actually, I'm mightily impressed at the goodwill that you have generated in some of the posted replies. You say that you have retreated into zoophilia due to your past and that you find what you need there. If zoophilia were meeting your emotional needs, you wouldn't be here writing all these posts. You are craving attention, asking for it, but can't handle some people's honest responses. It doesn't work that way. Some of us may show you consideration and caring, and some will only show you disdain, but that is the nature of speaking out in public. It is the risk you take. "If ya can't stand the heat, stay outta the kitchen."
Good luck to you. You may be as bright as you say, or not. That really doesn't matter, and shouldn't be a reason for you want to be accepted. Stupid people deserve love too. If you want people around here to "like" you, try staying on topic. Try writing about something other than yourself.
Betsy
obHorsey: Had a GREAT session in the round pen today with my Missy. Last time wasn't nearly as successful, and I was feeling a bit discouraged. But today I learned so much from my trainer, and that smart girl Missy responded so well. I can't wait to do more work!!
Muse
Betsy Walker wrote in message <3696AF84...@ix.netcom.com>...
>Muse wrote:
>
>Nobody has accused you of being innacurate, a liar, a flamer, rude...
Indecency and
>tastelessness are definitely aspects that readers could find in your posts,
and that's
>certainly anyone's subjective opinion. All the replies to your posts are
people's honest
>responses to what you have said. Everyone is entitled to their opinions
whether those
>opinions please you or not. And they have as much right to post their
ideas here as you
>have. You chose to put your life out for us all to see, nobody asked you
to do that. If
>people call you a "pervert" it is their right to do so, whether you are one
or not.
Well... actually people HAVE made those accusations. And while they have
every right to post their oppinions, it gets tough when those oppinions are
stated as fact ("You ARE...", as opposed to "In my oppinion...").
But I'm gonna throw my hands up on this one; I've been way to sensitive and
intollerent on this one. Sorry to all folks who've sat through it. I've
said my piece, stated my defence, and what goes from now is gonna remain on
topic.
BUT... if people are gonna reply to on-topic posts with something like "In
my opinion you being a zoophile makes you an animal abuser", it's gonna be
difficult....
--- >8 SNIP 8< ---
>Good luck to you. You may be as bright as you say, or not. That really
doesn't matter,
>and shouldn't be a reason for you want to be accepted. Stupid people
deserve love too.
>If you want people around here to "like" you, try staying on topic. Try
writing about
>something other than yourself.
I tried it without success; I'll give it another go. I'm not out to be
accepted so much as tolerated. Though it's difficult when people make
completely unwarrented and un-prompted abusive replies to posts in which
I've said nothing wrong.