Gifting of my stitchery
Cheryl Isaak
"animaux" <ani...@skjyo.net> wrote:
> Well, it was a success. I gave "Spiritdancer" to my neighbor's mother. I
> labeled it a gift from Rance, her 15 year old grandson who has cerebral palsy
> and cannot move, speak, see or eat by himself. This grandmother gives respite
> to my neighbor (Rance's mom) for the entire summer, and all school vacations.
> I
> don't have to tell you all the tears in the room.
>
> Then I decided, well, Celtic Christmas is here too and my neighbor really
> loved
> her. So, she got that one.
>
> Fortunately, I adore both of these and will almost certainly stitch them
> again,
> if I want them. If I stitch Celtic Christmas again, she'll be done in blue
> with
> beads, not that awful gold thread. I hated using that stuff.
>
> I got far more out of giving those to them, than they got out of receiving
> them.
>
> Not only does my neighbor have this son Rance, but her other son (19) is
> serving
> in Iraq in direct line of fire and has participated in just about every street
> fight (war).
>
> I don't have to tell anyone the stress level of this family.
>
> Victoria
Victoria,
You are a rare woman!
Someday, I can give you the hug I want to right now!
Cheryl
Dukkum
>tell
>me things, but the very next day tell me something else, denying that she
>ever
>told me the first thing. It all confuses me terribly. She says she just
>wants
>me to be supportive, but of what? What am I supporting, her dysfunction?
>I've
>been supporting her all my life, is that long enough? Is 48 years time to
>say
>"when?"
>
>I hate to dump this all on you guys, but from time to time I read and really
>learn to be a person from many of you and I need some feedback on this. Why
>here?
<snip>
this mother thing is confusing me.
>
>Thanks for listening. I'm truly not in a struggle, rather, I'm stumped.
>
>Victoria
>
Dear Victoria,
I can see why you're confused.
I've been there too.
My mother was like that. She also liked to pit her four children against each
other.
The last 3 years of her life (all but her last 3 weeks on this earth), she
wouldn't speak to me -- she had told one sister some things, that sister
changed things up a bit -- she's like my mom in that respect -- things got
totally out of hand.
Well, long story short, my mom went to live with the sister -- who -- let's
just say things didn't go well.
When my mom had enough, she moved back here, and was dxed with cancer. So she
did what she always did in a crisis -- SHE CALLED ME. And I went to her.
If it's any help at all to you to know this -- at the end, she apologized, and
said she realized how much of it was all her fault. She said she hoped there
would be peace in the family. I tried, but it was too late, too many lies and
misrepresentations, just too much dysfunction.
She left behind a mess of a family.
But I had those last three weeks with her, when we were close again, and she
was thinking clearly, and she was being loving and appreciative.
Was that enough? How do you measure that? I don't know. I know I have to
make do with what I have.
I'm sorry your mom is that way, Victoria. Perhaps it is all she knows, and she
can't change at this point in her life. I wouldn't for one minute suggest that
you put up with it. It's wrong, and you shouldn't.
But I would suggest that, if you can, you keep an open heart. Someday, maybe,
things will change, and you'll want to be ready.
It's crazy-making behavior, that's for sure.
Jere
Brenda Lewis
claim you are putting words in her mouth? Is she in a different mood
the "next day"? Does she also do this with other people? Is she
completely aware of her behavior?
I've just returned from my inlaw's and FIL is a prof. of psychiatry.
I'm certain he would suggest that your mother have an evaluation to make
certain she isn't in early Alzheimer's (even if she has been this way
for a couple of decades) or have a personality disorder or some
underlying medical condition. Of course it is possible she is simply
being, um, cantankerous.
As for yourself, take a couple of large hugs from the bank. You deserve
them!
animaux wrote:
> I am specifically talking about my mother now. She seems to think she can tell
> me things, but the very next day tell me something else, denying that she ever
> told me the first thing. It all confuses me terribly. She says she just wants
> me to be supportive, but of what? What am I supporting, her dysfunction? I've
> been supporting her all my life, is that long enough? Is 48 years time to say
> "when?"
>
> I hate to dump this all on you guys, but from time to time I read and really
> learn to be a person from many of you and I need some feedback on this. Why
> here? Well, since I post here every day and have been for years, I believe many
> people have gotten to know me. Maybe not on a deep level, but enough to see
> I've grown over the last few years and have softened up a lot. I can feel that
> about myself, but this mother thing is confusing me.
>
> Now, I am not trying to give the impression I am suffering any ill thoughts or
> feelings with this. I'm relatively fine about it all. What I don't know how to
> do is to be "supportive" of someone who changes the story daily to suit her
> whim, but expects me to be supportive. If I had a friend who was to marry a
> dirt bag, I would not attend the wedding and support that bond. That's a clear
> one. The mother one is harder. Any of you out there psychotherapists willing
> to have a discussion about this? We may all learn something.
--
Brenda Lewis Rhianno...@netscape.net
WIP: "Pink Baby" photo frame, Candamar
Cheryl Isaak
"animaux" <ani...@skjyo.net> wrote:
> On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 14:41:40 GMT, Cheryl Isaak <chery...@adelphia.net>
> opined:
>
>
>> Victoria,
>> You are a rare woman!
>> Someday, I can give you the hug I want to right now!
>> Cheryl
>
> Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if I am this rare person. I'm being serious. I
> think maybe I'm a fraud, or maybe I'm not, but either way I wonder.
>
> My sense of deepened spirituality over the course of the last several years,
> particularly this past year has brought me to a place where I am not sure I
> fully understand. I talk to my mother and I am still very confused by her. I
> still can't figure anything out. I am so far detached from dysfunction I
> almost
> don't know how to be on the other end of it. That's when I wonder the most.
> I
> wonder if there is something more I'm supposed to be doing.
>
> I believe I'm a supportive person. I'm also very supported. I have a good
> life
> and I'm forever grateful for that. Where do any of you draw the line between
> being supportive and being taken advantage or, or being taken for granted?
> Thanks for listening. I'm truly not in a struggle, rather, I'm stumped.
>
> Victoria
Sometimes you just love them and let the rest slide like the proverbial
water off a duck.
Cheryl
Ellice
> Well, it was a success. I gave "Spiritdancer" to my neighbor's mother. I
> labeled it a gift from Rance, her 15 year old grandson who has cerebral palsy
> and cannot move, speak, see or eat by himself. This grandmother gives respite
> to my neighbor (Rance's mom) for the entire summer, and all school vacations.
> I
> don't have to tell you all the tears in the room.
>
> Then I decided, well, Celtic Christmas is here too and my neighbor really
> loved
> her. So, she got that one.
>
> Fortunately, I adore both of these and will almost certainly stitch them
> again,
> if I want them. If I stitch Celtic Christmas again, she'll be done in blue
> with
> beads, not that awful gold thread. I hated using that stuff.
>
> I got far more out of giving those to them, than they got out of receiving
> them.
Vic - that was a truly generous gift you gave. I'm sure when you stitch them
again for yourself, you'll feel that warmth of having gifted the originals
all over again.
Ellice
Ellice
> On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 14:41:40 GMT, Cheryl Isaak <chery...@adelphia.net>
> opined:
>
>
>> Victoria,
>> You are a rare woman!
>> Someday, I can give you the hug I want to right now!
>> Cheryl
>
> Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if I am this rare person. I'm being serious. I
> think maybe I'm a fraud, or maybe I'm not, but either way I wonder.
Well, it's good to wonder - at least IMHO. We recently took 2 of our
surrogate children out - hockey game, dinner pre-game, hangin' in the club
post game. It was a great night. As we were driving home, we were talking
with them (they're a 19 yr old soph at BU & a 17.5 yr old senior in high
school) - knowing that their folks joke about our frivolity. The kids are
easy with us - as we're not completely typical of the family "adult" friends
(we're talking a really, really, geeky but nice collection of engineers,
scientists, etc). But often I think they take our sports car, hockey tix,
other material things out of perspective. We had a nice talk about us
realizing that while we do live pretty luxuriously, or frivolously - we're
not all tied up in that as the meaning of life. Understanding that so much
of this is just things, and not the essence of our lives - and that it's a
good thing to remember. It's hard to balance the everyday pleasantness of
material life, and those things which are truly important - to you for your
spiritual well-being. You do your best, I'd guess, and that's what counts.
>
> My sense of deepened spirituality over the course of the last several years,
> particularly this past year has brought me to a place where I am not sure I
> fully understand. I talk to my mother and I am still very confused by her. I
> still can't figure anything out. I am so far detached from dysfunction I
> almost
> don't know how to be on the other end of it. That's when I wonder the most.
> I
> wonder if there is something more I'm supposed to be doing.
> I believe I'm a supportive person. I'm also very supported. I have a good
> life
> and I'm forever grateful for that. Where do any of you draw the line between
> being supportive and being taken advantage or, or being taken for granted?
I'm going to snip the rest of this painful recounting. I think people are
blessed, truly, when they're family manages to not have someone who is truly
dysfunctional, or disruptive. There are always difficulties in
relationships, some more than others. I'd be happy if we in our small family
(parents, grandparents, all gone, only 1 aunt, 1 sibling of my grandmother
left) could just have the normal little rivalries, ups/downs, goods and
bads. In our family - it is my SIL. I have tried, like you, for many years
to deal with it, figure out what I can do to make it better. But, finally, I
accept - it's her. She's just not a good person. I am happy when she's
pleasant, and basically try to be cold to all the rest - in not getting
hurt, upset, riled up. It's very hard. She is constantly critical, shallow,
demanding, rude, and worst of all a liar. She has told so many horrid
stories to my DB, and others that it took 2 years of DB and I not talking,
and our "uncle" to finally confront him - for DB to finally realize he'd
been misled. She's taken property of my parents that was left to me, and
lied about it. Worst - she says all kinds of negative and disrespectful
things about others - in front of the children. It's terrible. But, finally
- all the rest of us whose lives touch her - we kind of just shake our
heads, and try to ignore it. It's hard. It's sad. Sometimes all you can do
is be the good person you are, or try to be, and hope that speaks for you
and that others under the bad influence will realize it. For me, we all hope
that as my nieces and nephews become adults, they will be better able to
make their own judgements about the rest of their family - despite their
mother's ravings.
You draw the line with doing what makes you feel you've done what you can,
reasonably, and work thru the rest. Guilt levels are different for all of
us. But if you know you're being manipulated - you can always tell her that,
and refuse to give in when it's painful to you. Do what you think is right,
and leave it at that. Just my opinion.
>
> Thanks for listening. I'm truly not in a struggle, rather, I'm stumped.
Sometimes people who act maliciously, or manipulatively are just stupefying.
That's how it is with my SIL. Just don't get it - but I think somehow she
makes herself feel important. I donšt know. Not a psycho-therapist - but I
think it's the kind of thing best spoken with a counselor in person if it's
really bothering you.
ellice
Ericka Kammerer
> Now, I am not trying to give the impression I am suffering any ill thoughts or
> feelings with this. I'm relatively fine about it all. What I don't know how to
> do is to be "supportive" of someone who changes the story daily to suit her
> whim, but expects me to be supportive.
I think you find it confusing because it's impossible ;-)
It seems to me there's nothing *to* "support." "Support" implies
there's something *there*, but if she's changing her tune all
the time, there isn't really anything there to support. So
really, she's looking for something else, and she probably
doesn't even know what it is. In my experience (which is
fortunately limited), you can try:
1) If you have any clue what she's really needing (even if
she doesn't know what it is herself), try feeding her
that.
2) Just live your life with integrity and compassion,
knowing that you can't fix this for her. Even if you
parrotted back whatever she asked for that day, it
still wouldn't satisfy.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Olwynmary
I know, I have btdt. I won't go into detail, but I was (by far) the youngest,
with two older brothers, but I was "only a girl". My poor, neurotic mother was
the kind who adored her husband and her sons, but I was just a daughter. Last
time I was in England I vowed I would not go back until after she was dead.
Does it occur to you that all the spiritual growth you have had to go through
was caused by that manipulative, controlling woman?? I know that in my case,
mine gave me a HUGE inferiority complex, which took me years to work through
AFTER I was married and living on this side of the pond.
If you have to detach from her, ignore her, and refuse to listen to her
nonsense, DO IT. It will not be easy for you at first, but I think you need
to insist on maintaining your own self respect, and refusing to tolerate her
nonsense.
E-mail me privately if you need to unload.
Olwyn Mary in New Orleans
emerald
"animaux" <ani...@skjyo.net> wrote in message
> I have stepped outside of
> the enmeshment and it's feeling strange. New territory for me. I usually
get
> all caught up with anxiety and then I get spastic colon and yadda yadda
yadda.
> That doesn't happen any more and it feels great, but sort of like I'm
leaving
> her behind. I guess I have to give myself permission to grow, even if I
can't
> share that with her. It's sad in a way.
It *is* sad and IMO it's perfectly normal to feel the sadness, and a sense
of loss for the kind of bond you wish you had, but never will.
I think it's extremely difficult to hold your own place in a relationship if
the other person is constantly moving the bar. All you can do is your best,
without reference to what other people think you ought to do.
And you're certainly not alone.
emerald
Cheryl Isaak
"animaux" <ani...@skjyo.net> wrote:
> On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 20:24:16 GMT, Cheryl Isaak <chery...@adelphia.net>
> opined:
>
>> Sometimes you just love them and let the rest slide like the proverbial
>> water off a duck.
>>
>> Cheryl
>
> I think you're right, Cheryl. I guess this is what I'm feeling and this is a
> new way of feeling for me so it is a bit daunting. I have stepped outside of
> the enmeshment and it's feeling strange. New territory for me. I usually get
> all caught up with anxiety and then I get spastic colon and yadda yadda yadda.
> That doesn't happen any more and it feels great, but sort of like I'm leaving
> her behind. I guess I have to give myself permission to grow, even if I can't
> share that with her. It's sad in a way.
>
> Victoria
Victoria,
Sometimes I wonder how my relatives and I can be so very different. We have
gone in such different directions and I just don't understand choices they
made. I suspect they feel the same way. We love each other and do the best
we can. That is all you can ask of them and YOURSELF.
It will take a while and a little bit of will power on your part too.
Cheryl
Cheryl Isaak
> On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 20:24:16 GMT, Cheryl Isaak <chery...@adelphia.net>
> opined:
>
>> Sometimes you just love them and let the rest slide like the proverbial
>> water off a duck.
>>
>> Cheryl
>
Susan Hartman/Dirty Linen
> On Fri, 02 Jan 2004 20:24:16 GMT, Cheryl Isaak <chery...@adelphia.net>
> opined:
>
>
>>Sometimes you just love them and let the rest slide like the proverbial
>>water off a duck.
>>
>>Cheryl
>
>
> I think you're right, Cheryl. I guess this is what I'm feeling and this is a
> new way of feeling for me so it is a bit daunting. I have stepped outside of
> the enmeshment and it's feeling strange. New territory for me. I usually get
> all caught up with anxiety and then I get spastic colon and yadda yadda yadda.
> That doesn't happen any more and it feels great, but sort of like I'm leaving
> her behind. I guess I have to give myself permission to grow, even if I can't
> share that with her. It's sad in a way.
>
> Victoria
Victoria --
(hugs)
I have nothing to really add to all the wonderful responses you got, but
your attitude seems to sum it all up perfectly. What you've done is
consciously step outside an old pattern of behavior, and it's
uncomfortable. One series of books talks about it as a dance...you've
changed the steps; now it's up to others to follow your lead, or NOT to
-- it's their choice to make and you have to let go. If they change and
can accommodate your new outlook, fine, but they may not change, and may
stumble (the uncomfortable feeling you have because it's new and you're
"out of step" with the old pattern). The important thing is to keep
*doing* your dance, your own choreography, and not backslide into the
old, familiar, "comfortable" (in its own distorted way) dance.
You're growing. And it's sad that others can't keep up, but you can't
let them hold you back, either.
Sue
Rhea
She continually stirs trouble between her two daughters. As a result my mother
grew up and married out of the dysfunction. She vowed that I would never
become a part of that. She succeeded for the most part. I had a fairly normal
childhood. However, my mother is still involved in that dysfunction and now
that I am older and a therapist by trade, she is opening up to me about how she
was raised.
It's fascinating to me that I was drawn to a career where I become involved
with families who are in dysfunction. My mother thinks it's ironic that she
tried to shelter me from that and I ended up being drawn to it rather than
being disgusted by it.
I do believe that you have two options in dysfunctional families: You can
embrace it and work thru it, or you become a part of it. Mind you this is a
personal, not a professional opinion. I think our life struggles make us who
we are. My mother is one of the most independent and strong women I've had the
pleasure of knowing. She is the family member that everyone criticizes, but
when the chips are down, she is the first one they call.
I embrace my family history of dysfunction. My mother has a hard time
understanding how accepting I am of my family. She is so ashamed of who she
(was) that she never wants to admit what her maiden name is.
I guess my point is that I can understand where your coming from and I know
what that struggle is like.
Rhea from KY, USA
Mirjam Bruck-Cohen
actions they do . I believe most people do thie Spiritual [ to them]
actions in quiet , some where away from pryning eyes , and i also
believe most people don`t tell about it , they do it .
This is By no means Any attack or negative reaction , to your letter
Animaux Victoria , It is just a great wonder , and curiousity, As you
have been telling about The place you come from , and that you chose
Budihism. Than you tell us about how it cahnged your perception in
life ,,,My wonderment is that you told that you came from a partly
Jewish family , Or was it an all Jewish Family . I wonder if you had
speant the same amount of willling time to study Hebrew and Your
Inherited Culture ,,, notthe Organized one , bur really the books ,
Rambam, and Ramban , and even some Bialik, A bit of Midrash , and a
bit of Agada ,,,, wouldn`t you be in the same spiritual place ????
and anyway what is Spiritual Place you feel yourself being in ???
You are 48 , well this is an age of going inward. of calculating one`s
acchievements and still being able to change , some directions.
You are 48 , it is almost time you can take care of your mother as an
Adult , Are you an Adult , Do you really know who you are ? who your
fellow Humans are ??? Good luck in your New fase in life .
mirjam
>Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if I am this rare person. I'm being serious. I
>think maybe I'm a fraud, or maybe I'm not, but either way I wonder.
>
>My sense of deepened spirituality over the course of the last several years,
>particularly this past year has brought me to a place where I am not sure I
>fully understand. I talk to my mother and I am still very confused by her. I
>still can't figure anything out. I am so far detached from dysfunction I almost
>don't know how to be on the other end of it. That's when I wonder the most. I
>wonder if there is something more I'm supposed to be doing.
>
>I believe I'm a supportive person. I'm also very supported. I have a good life
>and I'm forever grateful for that. Where do any of you draw the line between
>being supportive and being taken advantage or, or being taken for granted?
>
>I am specifically talking about my mother now. She seems to think she can tell
>me things, but the very next day tell me something else, denying that she ever
>told me the first thing. It all confuses me terribly. She says she just wants
>me to be supportive, but of what? What am I supporting, her dysfunction? I've
>been supporting her all my life, is that long enough? Is 48 years time to say
>"when?"
>
>I hate to dump this all on you guys, but from time to time I read and really
>learn to be a person from many of you and I need some feedback on this. Why
>here? Well, since I post here every day and have been for years, I believe many
>people have gotten to know me. Maybe not on a deep level, but enough to see
>I've grown over the last few years and have softened up a lot. I can feel that
>about myself, but this mother thing is confusing me.
>
>Now, I am not trying to give the impression I am suffering any ill thoughts or
>feelings with this. I'm relatively fine about it all. What I don't know how to
>do is to be "supportive" of someone who changes the story daily to suit her
>whim, but expects me to be supportive. If I had a friend who was to marry a
>dirt bag, I would not attend the wedding and support that bond. That's a clear
>one. The mother one is harder. Any of you out there psychotherapists willing
>to have a discussion about this? We may all learn something.
>
>Thanks for listening. I'm truly not in a struggle, rather, I'm stumped.
>
>Victoria
Mirjam Bruck-Cohen
/writing / telling / scoldind every one here with her descriptions of
her many `spiritual` beliefs and disbeliefs .her Garden, her family
life , her illness. She opened the many subjects , for all , and by
the way always speaking from her newly found convictions. But when it
suited her she Suddenly remembered she had some `inherited` family
knowlege about other beliefs. If she hadn`t done all this `missionary`
writing i would have never answered her this way .
She wroite a letter wondering about things , on a public domain , so
either she expects an answer or some reactions , and than it was ok
for me to react in my way and my understanding. Just like you react to
my words in your way . Or she `only` wanted to Go on preaching or
???what ever she had in mind ,,, than it maybe was the wrong place to
this writing.
On Mon, 05 Jan 2004 21:26:58 GMT, stitcher <ones...@net.ca> wrote:
>On Mon, 05 Jan 2004 21:41:02 GMT, mir...@actcom.co.il (Mirjam
>Bruck-Cohen) wrote:
>
>>I think EVERY person is unique and rare , in thei place , in some
>>actions they do . I believe most people do thie Spiritual [ to them]
>>actions in quiet , some where away from pryning eyes , and i also
>>believe most people don`t tell about it , they do it .
>>This is By no means Any attack or negative reaction , to your letter
>>Animaux Victoria , It is just a great wonder , and curiousity, As you
>>have been telling about The place you come from , and that you chose
>>Budihism. Than you tell us about how it cahnged your perception in
>>life ,,,My wonderment is that you told that you came from a partly
>>Jewish family , Or was it an all Jewish Family . I wonder if you had
>>speant the same amount of willling time to study Hebrew and Your
>>Inherited Culture ,,, notthe Organized one , bur really the books ,
>>Rambam, and Ramban , and even some Bialik, A bit of Midrash , and a
>>bit of Agada ,,,, wouldn`t you be in the same spiritual place ????
>>and anyway what is Spiritual Place you feel yourself being in ???
>>You are 48 , well this is an age of going inward. of calculating one`s
>>acchievements and still being able to change , some directions.
>>You are 48 , it is almost time you can take care of your mother as an
>>Adult , Are you an Adult , Do you really know who you are ? who your
>>fellow Humans are ??? Good luck in your New fase in life .
>>mirjam
>And just when I was begining to think nothing could suprise me.
>ruby
Lynne M.
I'm certainly not a psychotherapist, but have a street degree in
dealing with dysfunctional or mentally ill people. I have noticed that
one of the greatest difficulties for people who have grown up with
dysfunctional parents is in learning to trust their own reactions and
emotions. Without a solid or functional base, they are often assume
that everything they feel is wrong, and that's not the case at all. If
you have come to a place where you can talk to your mother and no
longer feel enmeshed, consider it healthy and don't berate yourself.
You *are* being as supportive as you can, but you cannot fix your
mother and it is not your duty to stay on an emotional merry-go-round
with her. I have dealt with some literally psychotic people, and have
learned to go into what I consider the nurse routine: calm but firm
voice, no involvement in crazy discussions (you cannot reason with
unreason), and kind of a brisk manner. It seems to work, but it does
not mean that you can have a full relationship with some people.
That's just the way it is.
My own MIL is a paranoid schizophrenic, and is now cooperative because
she is medicated. The trail of horrors she has left is too awful to
describe here, but the short of it is that she is not capable of
forming relationships with other people. I treat her decently and see
that her physical needs are taken care of. I am one of the few people
she will trust, so that's about it. I *am* supportive of her but am
not emotionally involved with her at all. Fortunately, she is not my
mother, but life is still not fair: my own mom died more than 20 years
ago. People often don't get the families that they deserve in terms of
healthy support, and people who have not been through this cannot
understand why things should be so difficult. You sound like you are
doing very well. Don't provoke fights with your mom and don't argue
with her -- and don't get yourself caught up. You are welcome to
e-mail me any time.
Lynne
Dianne Lewandowski
so thoughtful.
All of us go through cycles of learning, understanding, and change about
once a decade. Especially those of us who are tuned into ourselves.
It can be very noisy in there. <g> It's very difficult to get over any
"baggage" parents lay on us. Some of the ghosts that parent's impart
can be obvious, some of it subtle. Who we are when we're born also
affects how we "receive" those messages. That's why some in families
are more affected than others.
It's tough to let go of parents. I was able to let go of my mother in
my late 30's, but she came back to haunt me. <g> Wounds sometimes open
up when life throws us curves. I'm learning to let go again.
Try to distance yourself. Whatever it is that's going on, it's not your
fault. Lynne said it well. All anyone can do is take care of their own
"issues". Sometimes that change will ultimately affect how others treat
you. Sometimes it doesn't. Some people are "challenging". In the end,
your own awareness is healthy.
Hugs to you.
Dianne
Ruthie
> Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if I am this rare person. I'm being serious. I
> think maybe I'm a fraud, or maybe I'm not, but either way I wonder.
I think that most of us wonder about ourselves in this way. At least,
those of us who care more about our own self opinion, and our Higher
Power's opinion of us, than about what "they" think of us.
>
> I am specifically talking about my mother now. She seems to think she can tell
> me things, but the very next day tell me something else, denying that she ever
> told me the first thing. It all confuses me terribly.
Sounds reasonable. Apply the Serenity Prayer, reminding yourself that
you can't change her, only how you interact with her.
She says she just wants
> me to be supportive, but of what? What am I supporting, her dysfunction?
She might say yes. I say, just let yourself love her in spite of the
dysfunction.
I've
> been supporting her all my life, is that long enough? Is 48 years time to say
> "when?"
YES. That may sound contradictory to what I said above, but it's not.
My particular family dysfunction was that my mother and sister both used
me as a buffer. I.e. I spent a hell of a long, stressful, time
explaining them to each other. (I lived in Oregon, Mother in
Pennsylvania, and sister in Michigan.)
I was in therapy with a wonderful woman, and she suggested that, next
time my mother began to bitch about my Sis, I just quietly put the phone
down. (Not hanging up, just not listening.) When the indistinguishable
talk-noise ceased, I was to pick it up and say "Hmm" or "Uh-huh" - i.e.
something completely non-committal. If she started again, repeat.
It worked for me. And for her. I got to where I didn't need to put the
phone down to ignore it, and, without her noticing it, I trained her not
to talk about my sister to me. I had tried confronting her about it, and
she always had a million reasons why she either "had to," or would say,
"I won't, BUT..."
My sister quit doing it on her own. Good therapists are wonderful! We
were raised as enemies, but now we're friends.
My MIL is a flake. She's bright and kind and we have more in common than
just her son, and she has no common sense. She writes scripts for
herself, and other people, and if you don't read your part right
(without knowing what it is,) she can get really schitzy.
For instance, she dumped hubby #3 when he wouldn't support her dream of
having a horse barn. (New identity # 321: gracious horsy landowner.) She
borrowed up the wazoo, (Buying a NEW dually pickup, a NEW horse trailer,
and putting up barns and sheds before she needed them) and is working 3
jobs, and about to declare bankruptcy, which is exactly what all of us
(not just xsfil <ex-step-father-in-law>) foresaw. And DH and his bro are
saying to each other, "She's not gonna live with US!"
I still love her, but my defenses are honed. I helped my DH realize that
she lacks wisdom, and now his defenses are honed, too. And I'll help my
DB&SIL too. She'll just have to get an apartment or townhouse.
Anyway, hope you can find something helpful in all that.
Supportively,
Ruthie in Colorado
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