(TR) Orange Security Alert at GunksFest 2003 dot A
Tom Cikoski
-------------------
From: Agent Orange, U.S. Dept. of Security & Stuff
To: All Mid-Central Hudson Agents
Subj: Successful Terrorist Intercept
Date: 26 DEC 03
A hearty round of thanks to all of you who participated
in today's successful effort to thwart an apparent attempt
to obliterate New Paltz by toppling the Shewangunk cliffs
(although no firm 'evidence' for such a plot has yet surfaced).
If you will read the attached interrogation record of
subject "TC", I think you will agree that something out-of-
the ordinary was afoot. We do not yet know what.
We must remain ever vigilant. There are some who believe
that a new attempt may be made as early as 27 DEC 03!
Report anything unusual to the authorities!
Agent Orange
===================[CONFIDENTIAL]====================
The interrogation of suspect "TC" by Agent Orange ("O") and
Agent Green ("G") in regard to the recent Shewangunk Event.
O: What's this?
TC: My notes.
O: Notes for what?
TC: My trip report.
O: Report to whom?
TC: The group.
O: Al Kaida? The Taliban?
TC: The climbing group on Usenet. Wreck dot climbing.
G: So this is your handwriting?
TC: Yes.
G: And you wrote "Gabriel just took a 20-foot whipper
on a screamer."
TC: Yes.
O: You perverted bastard.
TC: You don't understand ...
G: Whippers? Screamers? S & M stuff? Sure we understand.
TC: Actually it's a joke.
O: This ain't no joke, son.
TC: It was more like a six foot whipper. We decided to
exaggerate.
G: It's still sick.
TC: It means he took a leader fall.
O: So you do have a leader! Osama?
TC: No. Gabriel was leading a climb.
G: And you still claim to be a rock climber.
TC: Well ...
O: With that waistline?
TC: Well ... we *were* there to climb.
G: We?
TC: Yeah, there was me and Diane and Colin, and then
Alex showed up, and Gabriel and Mike. Larry arrived
later. And finally Marc made it from Canada.
O (to G): A furriner! I knew it!
TC: Fred ain't no foreigner. He's Canadian.
G: Fred? I thought you said Marc.
TC: Sometimes he's Fred.
O (glances at G): Hmmmm.
G: You take this picture?
TC: Yeah. That's Alex.
G: He's Chinese.
TC: He's from New Jersey. He's as American as you. He's
as American as take-out Hunan pot stickers.
G: Oooo, you said "pot" you pervert!
O: And you aren't a climber. You admitted it.
TC: When?
O: Listen to this surveillence tape we made ...
TC (on tape): "My record is intact. I have yet to
complete a first pitch at Gunksfest."
TC: Well, I'm not a very good climber any more.
G: What about Marc
TC: Oh, he's pretty good.
O: What about Fred?
TC: He's Marc. He's pretty good. They're all pretty
good except me.
O: But Marc speaks French. French! Imagine!
TC: And damn good English.
G: Describe again exactly what happened.
TC: We all met at The Bakery.
O: Just "The Bakery"? Not "Bill's Bakery"? "Ann's Bakery"?
TC: The Bakery. From there we went to the Arrow Wall.
G: You, Diane, Colin, Alex, Gabriel and Mike?
TC: Yes.
O: But not Larry, Marc or Fred?
TC: Marc is Fred.
G: And I'm the Easter Bunny.
O: And you all took whippers?
TC: Only Gabriel -- and me when I bailed.
G: And people were screaming?
TC: Screamers aren't people.
G: You're one sick puppy. Whippers and screamers. Sick.
TC: Mike led Alex up Arrow[1].
O (whispers to G): "Broken Arrow". That's code for a lost
nuke!
G: Why Arrow Wall?
TC: We heard it might be sunny.
O: But it wasn't.
TC: Most of the time, no. It was grey chilly and damp. There
was ice. Sun came out later. Too late to really matter.
G: So, ice you say ...
TC: Then Gabe led Colin up Limelight[2]. Colin towed a rope.
Larry had showed up by then and Colin brought him up on
that rope. Larry led the second pitch of Limelight with
Gabe seconding. Mike set a top rope on Quiver[3].
O: (yawn)
TC: Then I tried to do Easy V[4] on top rope and bailed
half way up. A whipper bail. Totally gumby.
O: Why bail?
TC: Ice.
G: We heard there was no ice. Only water. See this photo?
TC: IT WAS ICE DAMMIT! ICE! SHEETS OF IT! ICE!
O: Ok. Ice. And then?
TC: Then Marc showed up ...
G: With Fred?
TC: Marc is Fred. Mike climbed Quiver on the top rope, then
brought up Marc.
O: With Fred?
TC: Marc is Fred. Mike and Marc did the second pitch of
Quiver.
G: And you?
TC: I ate lunch.
O: Keep talking.
TC: Well, Alex led the first pitch of Three Doves[5] with
Larry following. Then Larry led the second pitch while
Gabe stood at the bottom, thinking Alex was going to
bring him up. Gabe was getting cold waiting.
G: You all must have been cold. Cold blooded, that is.
TC: Freezing! They all struggled at the crux. Said they
couldn't feel anything in their hands. Numb.
O: And Gabe took a 20-foot whipper?
G (smirking): On a screamer?
TC: Yeah, but only after we realized that Alex was *not*
bringing Gabe up, but rather he was seconding Larry.
Mike had to go to a wake. Diane was out hiking. Colin
got cold.
O: I have a headache.
TC: So Gabriel lead Three Doves on a different rope and
got to do a six-foot whipper on a screamer at the crux.
G: At the crux. A whipper at the crux. You sick little monkey.
TC: Yeah, but he nailed it the second time.
O: Nailed it? Nailed it? Nailed it at the crux?
TC: Nailed it. Then he brought Marc up. Larry and Alex capped
off the second pitch of Three Doves and called it
"interesting". They left a top rope for Gabe and Marc
so those two could see what "interesting" means. It was
getting dark by then. I couldn't see them.
G: And Marc took his whipper.
TC: No whipper for Marc.
O: What about Fred?
TC: Hey, why am I here?
G: We're in condition Orange.
TC: Yeah?
O: Citizens report anything unusual.
TC: Yeah?
G: A fat rock climber -- that's unusual. You got
reported. "I just saw a fat guy pretending to be
a climber." That's what she said. The lady who
called. She was walking her dog.
TC: I'm not fat. I'm stocky.
O: And then you went to a saloon, Mr. Stocky?
TC: Bacchus.
O: It's a saloon. And you drank beer. Alcohol.
TC: A few.
O: And ate snacks. It's on our tape. We got it all.
G (smirk): You took some more whippers with screamers.
TC: You guys are morons.
O: No we're not. We're Baptists. And we don't
like terrorists who want to blow up the Gunks.
TC: Blow up the Gunks?
G: Yeah. Listen to this call we intercepted.
Subject A (on tape): "Yeah, I gotta blow this place by five."
TC: Alex had to leave by five.
G: So you all left.
TC: It was over. But we'll be back some day. We'll be back.
O: And that's why Green and I will always be on guard against
pervs like you.
G: And screamers. On guard against screamers in New Paltz.
[1] Arrow 5.8 G ***
[2] Limelight 5.7 G ***
[3] Quiver 5.9 PG
[4] Easy V 5.2+ G *
[5] Three Doves 5.9- PG ***
See surveillance pictures at:
http://www.panix.com/~splinter/climbing/gunks1203/GunksFest_2003_dot_A.html
MarkW
very nice, keep it up, don't "blow" your cover!
MarkW
kellie
>
>
> TC: He's from New Jersey. He's as American as you. He's
> as American as take-out Hunan pot stickers.
>
and
>
>
> TC: Marc is Fred.
>
> G: And I'm the Easter Bunny.
>
and
>
> O: Why bail?
>
> TC: Ice.
>
> G: We heard there was no ice. Only water. See this photo?
>
> TC: IT WAS ICE DAMMIT! ICE! SHEETS OF IT! ICE!
>
and
>
> G: A fat rock climber -- that's unusual. You got
> reported. "I just saw a fat guy pretending to be
> a climber." That's what she said. The lady who
> called. She was walking her dog.
>
> TC: I'm not fat. I'm stocky.
>
I always adore your trs. thanks. kellie