I Am Spare-tire-Cous!
Carl Fogel
There once was a bicyclist named Ryan Cousineau,
Who sometimes posted under the name of Fabrizio . . .
No . . .
There once was a bicycle-polo player named Zoot Katz,
In whose identity-belfry roosted too many bats . . .
Not quite right . . .
An alias-using Vancouverite not really named Tom Keats
Once started a long thread upon proper bicycle seats . . .
Not much better . . .
There once were some rec.bicycle.tech Benjamins
Who hid behind confusing first-name pseudonyms . . .
Hmmm . . . If we were to use all of Ryan's secret
identities, we'd need a bigger literary phone-booth
for him to change in than any five-line limerick
provides.
This kind of sprawling epic may need cinemascope
and a cast of dozens . . .
S P A R E - T I R E - C O U S
The great slave revolt led by Spare-tire-Cous had
been quelled. Unfortunately, the victorious general,
Crassus Fogel, was as confused as ever.
"What was this all about?" the dim-witted general
inquired hopefully of no one in particular. "Spare
tires? Cous-cous?"
"Helmets!" roared an unusually large, bare-headed,
and bloodthirsty soldier, gnashing his teeth. "We
must execute all these captured slaves to teach them
never to invade our domain again! They used fake names
in our helmet thread!"
"No, they didn't," said a long-suffering foreign
mercenary named Meb. "That was a signature-line bug."
"Er, it's not a domain, it's a newsgroup," quibbled
a rain-caped figure, looking up from his role-playing
games. "I would never perpetrate such an elementary
fallacy."
"Perhaps," dithered the general, trying to please
everyone, "we could execute just one treacherous
slave? Is there one who is particularly fond of
using fake names?"
"Spare-tire-Cous!" shouted the legions of rec.bicycles.tech.
"Groan!" muttered one of the more pun-sensitive slaves,
who wore a Dave-T(ee)-shirt.
"They're guilty," opined a Wisconsin bicycle dealer,
who changed his mind in the sequel.
"Helmets," added a helpful Colorado Campagnolo dealer,
"won't help them if we chop off their heads."
"Are we for or against helmets?" inquired an oddly
reasonable berserker from the far North. His English
was more fluent than many of the Romans, but it was
hard to understand him because there was some peanut
butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.
"Romans wear helmets with eagles on them," said Crassus
Fogel, speaking firmly for the first time, but confusing
plumes with eagles. The general had read about Latin
haberdashery somewhere and always believed everything
that he read, but he often got his details hopelessly
muddled.
"That's right!" shouted Captain Sheldonus. "Romans
wear helmets with eagles on them!"
Everyone, including the slaves, turned to stare.
"What're ya all lookin' at?" demanded Sheldonus
belligerently. "Huh?"
"Nothing," murmured Dianne_I-II-III-IV diplomatically,
patting Sheldonus on his gleaming head and furtively
counting the CVIII links in his chain mail. "Nothing
at all."
"I can't approve of crucifixion," announced Tom
Shermanus, who was lying recumbent in decadent
luxury on a litter borne by four slaves. "It
glorifies the upright position. And speaking of
position, does anyone know exactly where we are?"
"Oh, do get on with it, you lot!" begged a voice
of thunder.
"Who was that?" asked Rick Onanianus, frightened
silly by the unseen voice. (His terror made little
difference, seriousness not being the strong suit
of the Onanianii--a trait that made their family
stalwart allies of the general.)
"I am Zog the Undeniable--" the deep voice began
to explain.
"Enough!" interrupted Crassus Fogel, who had been
counting on his fingers. "That's XVII syllables.
Let's crucify Spare-tire-Cous."
As usual, the assembled throng of rec.bicycle.tech
both cheered and booed wildly.
"So," the general asked the re-captured slaves in a
hearty voice, "which one of you is Spare-tire-Cous?"
A long silence ensued, broken only by Genus Daniels
muttering something at great length, ostensibly about
504 cable/bike luber. It was unclear whether he was
stuttering or suggesting clemency when he said,
"but-but spare spare-tire-cuz."
"Speak up now," Crassus Fogel encouraged the slaves.
"Don't be afraid."
"I am Spare-tire-Cous!" lied one of the bolder slaves,
whose t-shirt was emblazoned with the letters PSU.
The general raised a skeptical eyebrow at this attempt
to protect the doomed Spare-tire-Cous.
"I am Spare-tire-Cous!" lied another noble slave,
mounted on a Canondale Lefty.
"No, you're not," said Crassus Fogel severely, provoked
by the transparent impersonation. "You're Simon Brookus.
Get back to work on your suspension."
"I am Spare-tire-Cous!" declared yet another slave,
trying to shield his leader's identity and adding
defiantly under his breath, "Or rarely-if-ever-Ryan."
Another slave claimed to be Spare-tire-Cous, then
another, and another, and so on until the easily
befuddled general began to waver.
"Are you really all named Spare-tire-Cous?" asked
Crassus Fogel dubiously. "I could have sworn that
most of you were named Dave."
"I am Spare-tire-Cous!" pretended the umpteenth
slave, whose bicycling jersey flaunted a huge D.
"Mercy!" exclaimed the general, who was not known
for the mot juste. "Wherever will we find enough
posts to crucify you all?"
"Wood," pointed out Jim Beamus, "is a strong,
resilient material with excellent fatigue qualities
and marked anistropy."
"If only you rode a Moulton," sighed Crassus Fogel
wistfully.
The baffled crowd instinctively drew back, fearing
a dreadful pun involving melted metal and a material
witness from a luckily lost poem. (They wronged the
noble general, but the truth will never be known.)
Meanwhile, a wooden hatrack Rustled All-t(oo) quickly
away to avoid being put to good U's as a crucifixion post.
"Y-Whay ot-nay use-ay old-ay osts-pay om-fray
ec-ray.icycles-bay.ech-tay?" quoth the scholarly
centurion John Daceyus in fluent pig-Latin.
"Damn it, speak English--er, Latin!" snapped the
general.
"Why not," repeated Daceyus, "use old posts from
rec.bicycles.tech? Google will easily provide us
with plenty of posts on which to crucify as many
slaves as necessary."
"Rilliant-Bay!" chortled the general, who wished
that he'd thought of the idea first and sought to
ease his envy with a cheap verbal flourish.
"No!" growled the Emperor Jobstus. "As has been
mentioned, we should crucify them on ungreased
seat posts . . . DEAD!"
"I hope," fretted Markus Hickey, "that Jobstus
doesn't post that awful incident where the poor
rider ended up having anal reconstructive surgery
after his seat post broke. . . . errr, I guess he
doesn't have to now."
"He's Spare-tire-Cous!" shouted all the slave-Daves,
terrified by the emperor's wrath. They eagerly pointed
out Fabrizio Mazzoleni, who was promptly crucified upon
dozens of posts about goatheads.
With their Spare-tire-Cous punctured, the slave-Daves
were forced to walk home and never again rebelled. No
effect was noticed on the wearing of helmets.
As the credits rolled, Claire Peterskyus gazed up
mournfully while the air slowly hissed out of
Spare-tire-Cous.
"All gone!" wailed Claire. "Zoot, Tom, Fabrizio, Benjamin,
Mike--well, maybe not Mike--and Ryan, all gone! Now," she
added bitterly, "I'm the only one left to pay the fan-club
dues."
"By the way," said Phil Holmanus, "you're behind with
your payments."
David Reuteler
: Unfortunately, the victorious general,
yow .. before you start calling yourself that you may wish to recall what
happened to crassus in real life. at the hands of xena he was hauled back
to rome and switched for vercinix and executed by caesar (who realized who
he really was but went ahead anyway).
--
david reuteler
reut...@visi.com
Rick Onanian
wrote:
>Hmmm . . . If we were to use all of Ryan's secret
>identities, we'd need a bigger literary phone-booth
>for him to change in than any five-line limerick
>provides.
Really? I never really put it all together to realize this...
>"Oh, do get on with it, you lot!" begged a voice
>of thunder.
>
>"Who was that?" asked Rick Onanianus, frightened
Woohoo! I finally made it! Granted, I only made it in when you tried
to be most-inclusive..
>"I am Zog the Undeniable--" the deep voice began
>to explain.
I deny that!
>A long silence ensued, broken only by Genus Daniels
>"but-but spare spare-tire-cuz."
It's three buts. Get it right or lose your throne!
--
Rick Onanian
dvt
> On 13 Feb 2004 10:17:10 -0800, carl...@comcast.net (Carl Fogel)
> wrote:
>>Hmmm . . . If we were to use all of Ryan's secret
>>identities, we'd need a bigger literary phone-booth
>>for him to change in than any five-line limerick
>>provides.
> Really? I never really put it all together to realize this...
Most of us didn't care. And still don't.
Dave
dvt at psu dot edu
Per Elmsäter
> "Are we for or against helmets?" inquired an oddly
> reasonable berserker from the far North. His English
> was more fluent than many of the Romans, but it was
> hard to understand him because there was some peanut
> butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.
>
Speak up folks. This is your chance to fínally have a say on helmets. Us
northeners have used them for about 1500 years by now and they have only
worked for some of the people that used them the last 85 years or so.
If you think it's hard to understand me with Skippys stuck to my vocal
cords, you just wait 'till you hear a dane. They sound like they have a
mouthful of oatmeal/porridge when they talk.
--
Perre
You have to be smarter than a robot to reply.
David Reuteler
: They sound like they have a mouthful of oatmeal/porridge when they talk.
that's doubly true for a scot, 'cept that they usually do.
but you should know that .. you folk used to visit there often back in the
day or was that just merry old england? so nice of you to come. or as i
used to say to my (english) grandmother, "yes, i'm english .. which is
another way of saying i'm mostly scandinavian." so maybe a bit of an
exagerration.
do you guys still wear helmets?
--
david reuteler
reut...@visi.com
S. Anderson
news:8bbde8fc.04021...@posting.google.com...
> I Am Spare-tire-Cous!
"No, -I- am Spare-tire-Cous!!!!!"
( I really am! I've never seen a Twinkie I don't like!!)
Rick Onanian
<scott.a...@zsympaticoz.ca> wrote:
>"No, -I- am Spare-tire-Cous!!!!!"
>( I really am! I've never seen a Twinkie I don't like!!)
No. You, sir, like me, are a member of genus Aerobellius.
--
Rick Onanian
Per Elmsäter
> "Per Elmsater" <perDOTe...@telia.com> wrote:
>> They sound like they have a mouthful of oatmeal/porridge when they
>> talk.
>
> that's doubly true for a scot, 'cept that they usually do.
>
> but you should know that .. you folk used to visit there often back
> in the day or was that just merry old england? so nice of you to
> come. or as i used to say to my (english) grandmother, "yes, i'm
> english .. which is another way of saying i'm mostly scandinavian."
> so maybe a bit of an exagerration.
See what a helmet can do for you ;)
> do you guys still wear helmets?
Only the ones that are alive.
Tim McNamara
> If you think it's hard to understand me with Skippys stuck to my
> vocal cords, you just wait 'till you hear a dane. They sound like
> they have a mouthful of oatmeal/porridge when they talk.
Hee hee hee. That's my wife's side of the family and it's true. An
odd sounding language to those not accustomed. According to Garrison
Keillor, "Ø" is Danish for "you can't say this."
Tom Sherman
> I Am Spare-tire-Cous!...
Dear Carl,
I see that we still have a long way to go in your psychoanalysis.
Dr. Sigmund Fraud
Zog The Undeniable
> do you guys still wear helmets?
These Scandinavians do...http://users.wolfcrews.com/toys/vikings/
jlscott3
>> On Fri, 13 Feb 2004 17:38:36 -0500, "S. Anderson"
>> <scott.a...@zsympaticoz.ca> wrote: "No, -I- am Spare-tire-
>> Cous!!!!!" ( Ireally am! I've never seen a Twinkie I don't like!!)
> No. You, sir, like me, are a member of genus Aerobellius.
Beats the heck out of aerocephalus.
JLS
--
Ryan Cousineau
David Reuteler <reut...@visi.com> wrote:
Um. Yeah. One of my regular riding buddies is a philosophy prof. He once
had a student bring up something on a Simpsons episode as an example
from real life.
--
Ryan Cousineau, rcou...@sfu.ca http://www.sfu.ca/~rcousine
President, Fabrizio Mazzoleni Fan Club
Ryan Cousineau
carl...@comcast.net (Carl Fogel) wrote:
> I Am Spare-tire-Cous!
>
> There once was a bicyclist named Ryan Cousineau,
> Who sometimes posted under the name of Fabrizio . . .
> Hmmm . . . If we were to use all of Ryan's secret
> identities, we'd need a bigger literary phone-booth
> for him to change in than any five-line limerick
> provides.
> "I am Spare-tire-Cous!" declared yet another slave,
> trying to shield his leader's identity and adding
> defiantly under his breath, "Or rarely-if-ever-Ryan."
> "No!" growled the Emperor Jobstus. "As has been
> mentioned, we should crucify them on ungreased
> seat posts . . . DEAD!"
> "He's Spare-tire-Cous!" shouted all the slave-Daves,
> terrified by the emperor's wrath. They eagerly pointed
> out Fabrizio Mazzoleni, who was promptly crucified upon
> dozens of posts about goatheads.
>
> With their Spare-tire-Cous punctured, the slave-Daves
> were forced to walk home and never again rebelled. No
> effect was noticed on the wearing of helmets.
>
> As the credits rolled, Claire Peterskyus gazed up
> mournfully while the air slowly hissed out of
> Spare-tire-Cous.
>
> "All gone!" wailed Claire. "Zoot, Tom, Fabrizio, Benjamin,
> Mike--well, maybe not Mike--and Ryan, all gone! Now," she
> added bitterly, "I'm the only one left to pay the fan-club
> dues."
>
> "By the way," said Phil Holmanus, "you're behind with
> your payments."
My compliments to the chef! A most insouciant stew. If I didn't comment
sooner, it was only because I somehow missed this post in the regular
chatter. Call it an intelligence failure, if you will.
meb
> Carl Fogel wrote:
> > "Are we for or against helmets?" inquired an oddly reasonable
> > berserker from the far North. His English was more fluent than many of
> > the Romans, but it was hard to understand him because there was some
> > peanut butter sticking to the roof of his mouth.
> >
> northeners have used them for about 1500 years by now and they have only
> worked for some of the people that used them the last 85 years or so.
> cords, you just wait 'till you hear a dane. They sound like they have a
> mouthful of oatmeal/porridge when they talk.
> Perre
> You have to be smarter than a robot to reply.
As long as he uses a Powercrank, we won’t need a long thread to
determine whether he needs to wear a helmet while using a Powercrank.
After all, since each side moves independently, the decision on whether
to wear a helmet on the right side and the left side can be made
independently. :D
Of course right side decision might be effected by riders’ choice of
headset and left side by chain lube preference. Maybe the Campy and
Shimano folks can come to a consensus on this.
--
Carl Fogel
> In article <402d1ac1$0$163$a186...@newsreader.visi.com>,
> David Reuteler <reut...@visi.com> wrote:
>
> > Carl Fogel <carl...@comcast.net> wrote:
> > : Unfortunately, the victorious general,
> > : Crassus Fogel, was as confused as ever.
> >
> > yow .. before you start calling yourself that you may wish to recall what
> > happened to crassus in real life. at the hands of xena he was hauled back
> > to rome and switched for vercinix and executed by caesar (who realized who
> > he really was but went ahead anyway).
>
> Um. Yeah. One of my regular riding buddies is a philosophy prof. He once
> had a student bring up something on a Simpsons episode as an example
> from real life.
Dear Ryan,
"Your point being?" --Homer Simpson
"Your point being?" --Marge Simpson
"Your point being?" --Grandma Bouvier
Carl Fogel
Carl Fogel
Dear Dr. Fraud,
I see that you recumbent cycle-analysts are
still trying to persuade the rest of us to
lie down on your couches instead of sitting
upright.
I decline to recline!
Defiantly,
Carl Fogel
David Reuteler
: Um. Yeah. One of my regular riding buddies is a philosophy prof. He once
: from real life.
never read the xena scrolls, ryan? there is a loeb edition. hint: it's one
of the green ones (she was greek).
--
david reuteler
reut...@visi.com
Jeff Wills
Omygawd... that medical terminology course I'm taking is actually
proving useful! Woohoo!
Jeff the Lithocephalic Hyperglychemic
Rick Onanian
wrote:
>never read the xena scrolls, ryan? there is a loeb edition. hint: it's one
>of the green ones (she was greek).
I don't know about greek, but she was a warrior princess, and a damn
sexy one at that... <G>
--
Rick Onanian
Ted Bennett
> Omygawd... that medical terminology course I'm taking is actually
> proving useful! Woohoo!
>
> Jeff the Lithocephalic Hyperglychemic
Jeff, it looks like your course is teaching you some mis-spellings. If
you would enjoy a good argument about hyperglycemics, let's take it up
tomorrow night at the OHPV gabfest.
--
Ted Bennett
Portland OR
Tim McNamara
Sheesh.
Jeff Wills
It's those high blood sugars that are making me shlure those big words... :-)
Jeff