More Hilarious Stuff (long post)
Youngy
Credit to http://www.achq.org/
Rubens stalls on warm up lap
Rubens: (to self) OK Rubinho. You’ve shown that you can do it. You’re
quicker than Michael. You beat him in Austria. You beat him at the
‘Ring. You out-qualified him here in England. You are a supreme speed
machine. No-one can beat you. No-one. You are a racer and you will win
this race.
Ross Brawn: Oi Rubens.
Rubens: Yes boss?
Ross: 30 seconds to warm-up lap. Can you just check the system status
for us please?
Rubens: Sure thing boss. How do I do that?
Ross: Just press the little red button on your left there.
Rubens: This one here on my steering wheel?
Ross: Aha.
Rubens: The one that says “Deactivate”?
Ross: Yup. That’s the one.
Rubens: What does that mean? Deactivate?
Ross: Highly technical term. It just sends the telemetry from your
in-car computer to my lap-top.
Rubens: Oh OK.
Ross: Have you pressed it?
Rubens: Hang on……..yep…….shit……the car’s stalled.
Ross: (feigned innocence) Oh…..did it?
Alan McNish, alone, stationary and marooned on the grid
Alan McNish: Now what's that little mantra Mika used to use?
Ove Anderson: What?
AM: You, know, the glow worm thing.
OE: Oh that, let me see. I am a little glow worm
AM: A glow worm's never glum
OE: How can a worm be sad
AM: When he sticks his @#!$ing Toyota @#$ing crap-truck up his @#$ing
bosses bum!
OE: Noooo, I think the last line was different.
DC makes the first of many requests
DC: Can I make a stop yet?
Massa takes to the grass and then spins
Felipe Massa: Hey Mr Sauber sir, I found a gap that nobody's using
just over to my left
Mr Sauber Sir: No wait that's gra….
Massa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH….Whoops. Hey that was cool
fun.
Mr Sauber Sir: No it wasn't.
Button makes a flying start
Jenson: Flav. Did you see all the places I made up at the start?
Flav: Ooooh yeah that's-a good.
Jenson: I know, I'm pretty wrapt myself. Maybe some points are on the
cards today? Maybe a podium even?
Flav: Man, I need-a this.
Jenson: Yeah, I guess it is good for the team
Flav: Been-a too long.
Jenson: What?
Flav: Sorry Jenson. Was-a you-a talkin' to me-a? Ah was just-a havin'
a smoke-a.
Kimi passes Ralf, DC tries to follow through but fails
Ron: That's good Kimi, now see if you can run Ralf a bit wide and make
a gap so DC can get through as well.
Kimi: I don't think I can run him THAT wide
DC: Nearly, nearly, almost…
Ron: You’re nearly there David
Kimi: I have my doubts
DC: Just…..about…..DAMN, didn't make it
Kimi: Told you so.
Ron & DC: SHUT UP KIMI
DC: Must be nearly time for a pit stop
Kimi: hehehehe
Rubens passing shirt-loads of people
Rubens: (to self) Damn that Ross Brawn and his “deactivate” button.
Damn Damn Damn.
Jean Todt: Hey Rubens. P21. Hold station please. You’ve got Michael in
front of you. Don’t pass. I repeat….don’t pass.
Rubens: Shut up Jean. That’s Massa.
Jean: So it is…my bad…OK P20….Hold station please. You’ve got Michael
in front of you. Don’t pass. I repeat….don’t pass.
Rubens: Shut up Jean. That’s a Jaguar.
Jean: Is it?
Rubens: Yes.
Jean: Well there you go….OK P19…. Hold station please. You’ve got
Michael in front of you. Don’t pass. I repeat….don’t pass.
Rubens: Piss off Jean.
Tight 4-way battle for last place – Webber, Fisi, Pedro, Massa
Mark Webber: Not last, bugger me silly. At the head of a four way
scrap even. Fair dinkum. This is ace!
Fisi: I can't believe I'm behind Webber.
Pedro De la Rosa: I wish Yoong was here.
Massa: I wonder if I can spin past this bunch?
JPM locks a brake - MS has a go around the outside only to be squeezed
by JPM
JPM: Awww nuts….I snatched a brake.
Frank: Careful Juan, Michael is trying to go around the outside of you
now.
JPM: Sorry Frank, can you repeat that? I missed it because I was
swerving violently to my left (chuckles)
Frank: (chuckles too)
Salo takes to grass, then spins
Mika Salo: Alan, can you teach me that poem?
Webber spins out of race
Mark Webber: Hey Paul, I got a bit of room here now I can just take it
easy and crui….whoaaaaaaaaaa. Stone the crows and tie me kangaroo
down. I'm in more strife than a pub with no beer boss. Bugger, she's
stalled.
Just Paul: That's OK Mark. Wanna buy the team?
Massa executes his second spin
Felipe Massa: One two three……..wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Mr Sauber Sir: Will you cut that out!
Felipe Massa: Sorry Mister Sauber Sir
Irvine trapped in a Jordan sandwich
Eddie Irvine: Great. Jordans to the front, Jordans to the rear and in
this crap weather, not a bikini babe in sight.
Niki Lauda: Vat vas dat?
EI: I am not enjoying myself in this crap-truck you Austrian twat!
NL: Just vatch vat you say zere dumkopf.
EI: Oh yeah, that's scary. What are you gonna do about it? Make me
drive a slow car?
NL: Nein. I vill lobby wiz Bernie to have ze bekeenez banned from ze
track.
EI: Like you could cope without a bit of eye-candy on race weekends
you old perv.
NL: Right! Zat's it…...
Fisi: Shut up, This is very distracting
Sato: What is bekeenez?
Eddie Jordan: I assure you Nikki, your no-bikini policy will meet with
strident opposition
NL: VAT?
EI: He said that you'd be better off spending your time trying to make
the crap truck go faster.
Flav: Maybe I should-a wear-a bikini for ma photo shoot-a?
EI, EJ, Fisi & Sato: Eeeeeeewwww yuk.
Rain gets heavier
God: Jesus H Christ. ……this god-damn British Grand Prix is boring. How
about I spice it up a little.
JC: errr…..how’re you gonna do that dad?
God: Make it rain of course.
JC: Should you do that?. I mean isn't that against the rules?
God: What rules? I make 'em.
JC :Shouldn't you check with you-know-who™ first?
God: What? Satan? Since when do I consult him?
JC: No, the other you know who™? The worse one.
God: Nah, he hates Silverstone anyway.
JC: Besides. Won’t rain that just mean Schumacher will win?
God: Well…..yeah…..how about just some light rain….nothing too
serious.
Pierre Dupasquier: Please God…..not a light shower…..anything but a
sprinkling.
You-know-who™: Flood the carparks, flood the carparks.
JPM has a series of whoopsies before he pits
JPM: Frank, it's getting really wet out here I think we shou…….whooaaa
Jeeze. Ummm, sorry, I was saying the track is pretty
greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee holy cow. See you in a second.
Frank: Wonder what he wanted.
Patrick: More than we are likely to supply him with I suspect.
JPM, MS, Kimi all pit for tyres……DC didn't.
Frank: Right Juan, in in in.
JPM: Thank god for that.
God: No probs Juancho.
Ross Brawn: Box Micheal, we're going with inters
MS: Phew.
Ron Dennis: Kimi, follow those cars.
Kimi: Another strategic master-stroke. God I miss Mister Sauber Sir.
DC: Can I come in too boss, I asked ages ago.
Ron: NO. Just stay out. We'll both look like heroes when you win.
MS Encounters a slowing Renault as he exits the pits.
MS: Outta my way Jarno. Outta my way.
(makes “beep beep” noises)
Jarno: Hang on Mike…I’m looking for a parking spot.
MS: Goddamit Jarno. Move that piece of crap outta my way
(beeeeeeeeeeeeep)
Jarno: Chill Michael, I just heard Flav might be naked, practicing for
his upcoming photo shoot.
MS: Take your time Jarno…take your time. I’ll just scoot around the
outside here.
DC slides and slips around in the wet. Opens visor so that Ron can
hear him cursing
DC: Can I come in yet Ron?
Ron: No.
DC: It’s really slippery out here.
Ron: No
DC: Awwwww come on.
Ron: No
DC pits at last
DC: Can I come in yet?
Ron: No
DC: Pleeeease.
Ron: No
DC: Pretty pleeeeease?
Ron: Oh for heaven’s sake. If you’ll promise to shut up.
DC: OK. Coming in this lap.
Ron: Whatever.
MS passes JPM
MS: Hey Juancho. Those Michelin inters are crap.
JPM: We don’t have any inters. I’m on full wets.
MS: (sounds of raucous laughter) Seeya……..loser
Kimi passes Ralf
Kimi: Bye loser
Ralf: Heeeyyy. How did you do that? I’m on Michelins too. They suck.
Kimi: Oh I dunno. Call it talent.
Ralf: Hmmmph.
Kimi: Tata Loser.
Rubens passes Ralf
Rubens: Bye loser
Ralf: Heeeyyyy. How did you that? I’m on Michelins too. They suck.
Rubens: I’m on Bridgestone inters, loser.
Ralf: Hmmmph.
Rubens: Bye loser.
HHF about to pass Ralf when debt-laden engine bankrupts itself
HHF: Bye loser.
Ralf: Heeeeyyyy. How did you do that? I’m talented too.
HHF: No you’re not.
Ralf: Hmmmppph.
HHF: Bye loser.
HHF: Tom?
Tom: Yes Heinz-Harry?
HHF: Did you pay that Cosworth bill?
Tom: Sort of. I gave Niki a post-dated cheque.
HHF: I don’t think they’re happy with that arrangement.
Tom: What makes you say that Heinz?
HHF: This message on my display.
Tom: Message….what message?
HHF: It says…..”Game Over. Insert more coins to continue”
Tom: Huh?
HHF: (groans, desperately looking for coins in cockpit)
Niki Lauda: Heheheheh. Now vill you pay vat you owe me dumkopf?
Ralf: Bye Loser.
Kimi passes Trulli
Kimi: Bye Jarno.
Jarno: Seeya Kimi.
Kimi: Didn’t put up much of a fight there Jarno.
Jarno: I’m too traumatized. I saw Flav cavorting naked in the pits.
Kimi: (shudders) Oooooo. Poor Jarno. See ya.
Jarno: (sounds of sobbing)
DC, Massa, Panis in scrap
Olivier Panis: This is great, fighting for a position that matters at
last.
DC: Good luck to you Oliv but keep an eye on Massa, he's just learning
the joy of spinning
Massa: I think I should spin again……..soon.
Ron: You can't come in yet David.
DC: I didn't ask….yet….but since you mention it.
Ron: NO!!!
OP: What's so great about the pits David?
DC: You're on Bridgestones aren't you?
OP: Oh, yeah, sorry.
DC in again, slicks this time
DC: Ron, if I just drive into the pits and stop, you'd look pretty
stupid if you didn't do anything.
Ron: You wouldn't?
DC: I am.
Ron: OK, David, time to pit.
DC: What?
Ron: You heard, now stop arguing. In you come
Ron: OK lads, it's time to put some slicks on David.
DC: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Ron: NOBODY defies me. I AM RON!
Irvine spins and clouts the wall….game over
EI: Oh how sad. I've understeered into the wall and now I have to
retire from the race
NL: You did zat deliberately.
EI: Did not.
NL: Did too
EI: Try going public with that and you'll be laughed into next week
NL: It vaz obvious
EI: So is the fact that everyone knows this car detests turning
corners
NL: I vill get you for zis
EI: no you won't
NL: Yes I vill
EI: I never bankrupted an airline. My cred beats your cred
NL: Schvine
EI: Come to think of it, you'd left Ferrari by the time I got there
too. Funny how they came good after you left.
NL: We have vays of…..Eddie? Eddie…..are you zere?
Massa passes Enrique
Massa: I dunno what DC whines about. ‘Rique’s easy to pass. Maybe I
should spin again to make DC look better?
DC runs wide at Vale, cuts across infield and re-emerges at exit of
Club
DC: Slicks, I'll give him slicks…
Ron: Looks slippery out there David. Are you sure you should have
CHOSEN slicks?
DC: Micheal's right. You're slime
Ron: No, slime is what's all over the bottom of your car now because
you can't stay on the track (giggles)
DC spins
DC: Is it worth making yourself look even more stupid just to score a
pedantic point on me?
Ron: Even more stupid?
DC: Yeah, as in your strategy is the laughing stock of the pitlane.
Ron: You will not speak to me that way, for I am Captain Ronbo, master
of strategy
DC: (muttering under breath) Captain Ronbo, master of baiting.
Kimi in. Slicks. Sits in car shaking head
Ron: I hope you're not shaking your head as a show of dissent Kimi.
Kimi: No, I'm shaking my head because you're a tosser
Ron: Right. That's it. Send that smarmy little Finnish git out on
slicks too.
Kimi: I doubt you could be more predictable.
Ron: (screaming) RIGHT, SEND HIM OUT ON…..OH I DON'T KNOW…….TRUCK
TYRES
Kimi: You're only making it worse.
RON (nearing speechlessness) I….AM…..RON!
DC: Can I have truck tyres too?
Massa, third spin
Massa: And a one and a two and a three……wheeeeeeeeee
Mister Sauber Sir: You just don't get it do you?
Massa: wooooo haa. Yipeeeeee
DC in again. Inters this time
DC: Hi everyone. Remember me?
Ron: Did I say you could come in?
DC: You didn’t say I couldn’t.
Ron: I'll give a hundred quid to anyone who can fit bicycle tyres to
that Scottish git
DC: Like they could be worse than what you've given me so far.
Ron: A hundred and fifty to anyone who "whacks" him…..
Tom Walkinshaw: I’ll do it for two hundred.
JV in P5
JV: For sure I'm in P5.
Dave Richards: You're not getting any more money
JV: For sure this is good in this car
DR: NOT ONE PENNY
JV: Maybe a bonus would be fair
DR: How about you take a pay cut?
JV: How about you take an enema!
DR: Weasel.
JV: Jerk!
MS: What’s a pay cut?
Jenson: Ask Flav.
Massa pits. Inters
Massa: Will these spin like the last set?
Mister Sauber Sir: You're not supposed to spin.
Massa: Fair enough, but will they?
Mister Sauber Sir: NO MORE SPINNING!!!
Massa: I like to spin
Mister Sauber Sir: Why did I let Kimi go?
Kimi: I've been wondering the same thing.
Nick Heidfeld: Remember me?
Mister Sauber Sir, Massa and Kimi: NOPE!
Ralf pits. Tries all fuel rigs. None like him.
Ralf: What's the plan boss?
Frank: We're going to run you very light for this stint
Ralf: How light?
Frank: At this stage, VERY light.
Ralf: Is this a clever tactic to get me ahead of Juan?
Frank: Errr……no.
Ralf: What then?
Frank: You know how the fuel rig delivers fuel to your car?
Ralf: Yeah……and?
Frank: Trick question. No fuel. See you in a lap or two.
Rubens spins
Jean Todt: It's OK Rubens. Just hold station.
Rubens: I'm facing the wrong way up the track for cryin' out loud.
JT: You're very close to Michael. We don't want to throw this away you
know. Titles are at stake.
RB: It would be good if you didn't talk to me for the rest of the
race.
JT: Hold station Rubens, repeat, hold station.
RB: You have no idea.
JT: Do not pressure Michael.
RB: I'm not paying my share of the million fine you know.
JT: Please lift off Rubens, we don't want you to threaten Michael.
RB: There's a giant Iguana in my cockpit.
JT: Please ask the Iguana not to pass Micheal.
RB: Your mother wears army boots.
JT: The army boots must not threaten Michael…
MS pits. Inters
Michael: Winning is boring. Can we do something else?
Jean Todt: Like What?
MS: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps we can flaunt the fact that we have a
workable intermediate tyre.
JT: Good one. OK. In you come for some inters.
MS: Anything else. It feels a little odd to be in a winning position
in the British GP?
JT: No, we've ordered Rubens to back off.
MS: Back off from where? I haven't seen him all day. I thought he
stalled on the grid?
JT: Good point. We'll order him to walk the rest of the race.
MS Huh?
JT: We have a slender lead in the titles, we can't afford to have
Rubens pushing you.
MS: I didn't think he was.
JT: True enough. We'll make him drive backwards for a few laps.
MS: Jean, have you been into the brandy again?
JT: Right then. We'll just blow his car up and be done with it.
MS: That's a bit extreme.
Rubens: Not from where I sit!
DC: Ron, can I come in again?
Rubens pits. Inters
Jean Todt: OK Rubens, we want you to come in, drive behind the parking
lot and stall.
Rubens: WHAT?
JT: You're right, the FIA would suspect something. Just stop on the
track.
RB: I only want some tyre.
JT: OH FINE. I ONLY want a holiday in Bermuda.
RB: Does my contract cover this?
DC pits. Slicks + rig problem. Eventually refuels with second rig.
Ron: Right boys. Drain all the fuel from the DC's rig.
Team: Huh?
Ron: You heard. Empty the thing.
Team. Whatever.
Ron: Right David. It's time to come in. Just some tyres and fuel.
DC: Cool!
Ron: Ooooh look. Your fuel rig is cactus David. Toooooo sad.
Kimi pits. Slicks. Shaking head again.
Ron: Are you "dissing" me boy?
Kimi: No.
Ron: You are so. OK team, Captain Ron says, set fire to that car!
Team: Huh?
Ron: You heard. Torch it. He questioned me.
Kimi: Yeah, that might work. A bit of temperature wouldn't hurt these
tyres
Adrian Newey: Could Jaguar have been worse than this?
Entire Silverstone Crowd, Teams, Drivers & Attendants excepting Niki
Lauda: YES!
DC runs wide at Vale, cuts across infield and re-emerges at exit of
Club - again
DC: Stupid car, stupid weather, stupid tyres, stupid track, stupid
boss….
Ron: I heard that.
DC: Oh so you do listen?
Ron: What did you say?
DC: I said, oh so you do listen?
Ron: Bwaahahahahah gotcha!
DC: I hate you.
JPM passes Rubens
Jean Todt: Well done Juan.
Juan: I beg your pardon?
Frank: This, I gotta hear.
JT: Rubens was much too close to Michael, you have provided a margin
of safety. Thank you.
Juan: Errr, sure, ok.
JT: Juan, you know what to do if Rubens tries to get past you I
assume.
Juan: ummmmm, hold him off?
JT: Close. Take him off.
Kimi out. Engine goes boom
Kimi: The engine's gone Ron.
Ron: Bwaahahahahah. I know. I did it myself.
Rubens passes JPM. Contact between them.
Juan: Damn, he's got a run on me down the inside
Jean Todt: BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!
Juan: Too late, he has the line
JT: SHUT THE DOOR ON HIM FORCHRISAKES!!
Juan: He's through.
JT: JUST BLOODY RAM HIM!!!
Juan: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllll…………..OK.
JT: ooooh, he's good Frank.
Frank: I know.
Lino
Ferking brilliant.
Vicky & Steve
Vicky
--
After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
"Lino" <lj...@clix.pt> wrote in message news:3D3449E7...@clix.pt...
>
> Ferking brilliant.
>
Matt Pope
news:1qf8juo8tesiip06a...@4ax.com:
> Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ)
> Credit to http://www.achq.org/
<snipped funny post>
What about...
Alex Yoong:
--
Cheers,
Matt Pope
Tony C
news:Xns924E49B5DE2E5ma...@139.134.5.33...
> Youngy <you...@bigpond.com> spat out
> news:1qf8juo8tesiip06a...@4ax.com:
>
> > Alternative Championship Headquarters (ACHQ)
> > Credit to http://www.achq.org/
>
> <snipped funny post>
> What about...
>
> Alex Yoong:
Yeah - the ACHQ team missed out the 'three stop strategy - Heathrow, Dubai,
Kuala Lumpar' joke from ITV's F1 team!!
>
> --
> Cheers,
>
> Matt Pope
p_mart
NL: Pedro,
PdlR: I see. Aren愒 they a little big?
NL: They perform ok on the wind tunnell.
PdlR: Sure. But do you think we could pass any other car with those wings?
The愉e a little bit long.
NL: What makes you think you惻l ever have the chance to pass another car?
Eddie: How about Jerez, Spain? C'mon Mr. Serious face,
PdlR: Eddie, I惴 married.
EI: With the team, I guess.
PdlR: How about removing the rear safety parachute?
NL: Pedro, keep on driving and leave us technical stuff.
(...): "... in a barbie world, I惴 in plastic..."
NL: EDDIE WOULD YOU MIND TAKING YOUR HEADPHONES OFF?
EI: Huh? Sorry.
p_mart
p_mart
A day in the usual in-between races Jaguar testing.
Niki Lauda: Pedro, eehm... would you mind testing another aero package?
PdlR: I see. Aren愒 they a little big?
NL: Never enough for me.
PdlR: And what about the Lauda Air sticker?
NL: No prob, they惻l paint it green. They perform ok on the wind tunnell.
PdlR: I惴 sure. But do you think we could pass any other car with those
wings?
The愉e a little bit long.
NL: What makes you think you惻l ever have the chance to pass another car?
Eddie: How about next testing in Jerez, Spain? C'mon Mr. Serious face, I惴
sure there愀 some gorgeous babes you know in there, Pedro.
PdlR: Eddie, I惴 married.
EI: With the team, I guess.
PdlR: How about removing the rear safety parachute?
NL: Pedro, keep on driving and leave us technical stuff.
(...): "... in a barbie world, I惴 in plastic..."
NL: EDDIE WOULD YOU MIND TAKING YOUR HEADPHONES OFF?
EI: Huh? Sorry.
(Another) Pedro
Randy Howard
says...
The whole thing was hilarious, but for some reason this one made me laugh
loudest...
> JPM has a series of whoopsies before he pits
> JPM: Frank, it's getting really wet out here I think we shou…….whooaaa
> Jeeze. Ummm, sorry, I was saying the track is pretty
> greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee holy cow. See you in a second.
> Frank: Wonder what he wanted.
> Patrick: More than we are likely to supply him with I suspect.
--
randy AT thegateway DOT net