WINGS List of Lists [4/7]--Characters, Trivia, Quotes
Matt Messina
======================
Joseph Hackett
Joe is the owner (co-owner after Season 5) of and a pilot for Sandpiper
Air, a one-plane commuter airline operating out of Nantucket, where he
grew up. Interested in flying since he was young, Joe always knew
aviation would be a part of his life. Joe and Fay started Sandpiper six
years before the first episode, soon after Carol, his fiancee, left him
for his brother, Brian. Joe is anal-retentive and high strung -- which
he attributes to having to take care of his family when their mother
walked out on them when he was about twelve -- although as the show
progresses, he tries to relax a little. He is usually responsible,
although he is capable of being as immature as Brian at times.
Brian Michael Hackett
Brian, Joe's brother, is also a pilot. He married Carol, who, at the
time, was Joe's fiancee. This led to a rift between the brothers, and
they didn't speak for six years. Carol left him, too, and soon after, he
and Joe patch up their relationship, and he accepts a job with Sandpiper.
Brian describes himself as "a ten-percenter," meaning he is always trying
crazy, stupid things, most of which don't work as planned, but the ten
percent that do makes it worth it to him. He is slightly irresponsible
and spends much of his time pursuing women, except in the fifth season,
when he is involved in a serious relationship with Alex. As the show
progresses, Brian seems to mature, and he becomes Joe's partner in the
fifth season.
Helen Chappel
Helen owns the lunch counter in the airport, which once belonged to her
parents. Originally from Texas, she moved to Nantucket when she was ten
and soon became close friends with both Joe and Brian -- many jokes make
use of how well she and Joe know one another. For most of her life,
Helen was overweight, but she beat her weight problem permanently
sometime between when Joe started Sandpiper and the first episode. She
does, however, still overeat when she's depressed or upset. She has
always dreamed of being a concert cellist (however, in recent episodes,
that has not been brought up). Helen and Joe date for three months in
the second season, and after an ugly breakup, reconcile their friendship.
They remain friends until Helen accepts Davis's marriage proposal, and
their feelings for one another return, eventually leading to she and Joe
getting engaged. Helen is a very physical character, and despite her
small stature, she is not afraid to "rough up" the men. She tends to use
a lot of hand motions and will often re-enter a scene immediately after
an exit.
Lowell Mather
Lowell is the mechanic for Sandpiper and Aeromass. He has lived on
Nantucket his whole life, but he didn't know Joe, Brian and Helen when
they were kids. He lives on a boat until Brian sinks it, and then he
moves in with Joe and Brian; he lives with them for over a year before he
gets his own place. Lowell exhibits a rare mixture of idiocy and
brilliance -- he is known as the best mechanic on the island, as well as
"the man who will eat anything for a quarter." He is the only main
character who is married, until he discovers his wife, Bunny, is
unfaithful and they separate.
Roy Biggins
Roy is the owner of the other commuter airline on Nantucket, Aeromass,
which is a seven-plane operation. Although they do tolerate him, none of
the other characters really like him. He is chauvinistic, insensitive,
and sarcastic. He enjoys making jokes at the other's expense (a favor
which the others return). Roy cheats on his taxes, defrauds his
insurance company, and steals cable TV; however, he never gets caught.
In November '91, Roy is elected to the town council. He has a
distinguishing snickering laugh.
Fay Evelyn Cochran
Fay is a former airline stewardess who runs Sandpiper's counter. She and
Joe met when the airline she worked for was forcing her to retire; soon
after, she and Joe started Sandpiper. She is in her sixties, and has
been married three times, each time to a man named George; all three of
her husbands died. Fay can be slightly batty at times, and she is prone
to rambling on without realizing it. She usually acts a lot younger than
she is. She will often turn and exit after a delivery (of a line), and
she is terrible at improvising.
Antonio Scarpacci
Antonio first appears as the head waiter at Pontrelli's, and later
returns as a cab driver based out of the airport; he is one of four cab
drivers on Nantucket. He is a resident alien from Italy who spends a lot
of time trying to pick up on and fit into American culture.
Alex Lambert
Alex is a helicopter pilot who moves to Nantucket and opens up a
helicopter tour business. She flew an Apache for the U.S. Army in Desert
Storm. When she first arrives on the island, Alex is the object of a
competition between Joe and Brian, which she deals with very coolly. At
the end of the fourth season, she chooses to pursue a relationship with
Brian. She and Brian are together until the end of the fifth season,
when she breaks with him, feeling that he is not ready for a mature
relationship. Soon after, she leaves Nantucket, fearing that if she
were to stay, she and Brian would make the mistake of getting back
together.
Cassandra Chappel
Casey is Helen's older sister who comes to Nantucket at the beginning of
the sixth season. When they were kids, Casey always overshadowed Helen.
Her rich husband, Stuart, left her just before she comes to Nantucket,
and she is living with Helen until she gets herself back together. Casey
has trouble adjusting to life as a "normal" (not rich) person.
Davis Lynch
Davis is a wealthy investor from New York whom Joe invites to Nantucket
to take a look at investing in Sandpiper in the fifth season. He decides
against investing in Sandpiper, but does hit it off with Helen. His busy
schedule forces him to often cancel their dates, but they're determined
to make it work, and at the end of the fifth season he proposes (but
Helen ends up engaged to Joe).
Bunny Mather
Bunny is Lowell's wife until the fifth season, when they finalize their
divorce. They separate in the third season after six years of marriage
when Lowell learns that she sleeps with other men.
Kenneth Margaret McElvey
Kenny is hired as Sandpiper's backup pilot after Joe is grounded for high
blood pressure. He is eighteen years old and in high school, and he got
his commercial license just before he is hired.
Gail Scott
Gail is Joe's girlfriend after he and Helen break up. She and Helen do
not get along well at all, until Joe insists they try to get along, and
they become friends. She is a freelance writer from Washington D.C. who
has a house on Nantucket.
Carlton Blanchard
Carlton is a very annoying, manipulative, old man who asks very annoying
questions.
Sandy Cooper
Sandy had a crush on Joe when they went to school together. Apparently,
she never got over it and her obsession with Joe continues.
Sylvia ex-Biggins
Sylvia is Roy's ex-wife. Roy told everyone that she had died, but
actually, she walked out on him sixteen years before the third season.
She is married to the head of plastic surgery at New England General
Hospital.
Carol Hackett
Carol is Brian's ex-wife and Joe's ex-fiancee. She left Joe at the altar
and ran off with Brian. She presumably lives in London.
Walter
Walter is an air traffic controller at Tom Nevers Field.
Mark the Waiter
Mark is the waiter who serves Helen and Davis the first time they go out.
He returns to hang around Helen's counter; he has a crush on her.
Inspector Hanson
Inspector Hanson is an F.A.A. Inspector with no sense of humor.
Katie
Katie is the red-haired Aeromass employee who appears in many episodes.
She has not had any lines.
Kevin
Kevin has appeared in four episodes, although only once credited as
"Kevin." If his four appearances are supposed to be one character, he is
an insurance representative and a frequent flyer on Sandpiper and
Aeromass.
==============================================================================
TRIVIA
======
General Show Trivia
-------------------
The _Wings_ theme is adapted from the last (fourth) movement of Schubert's
piano sonata in A major, D. 959, Rondo.
_Wings_ is filmed on the same sound stage as _Happy Days_ was (_Parade_),
Paramount studio 19. Coincidentally, Crystal Bernard played K.C. Cunningham
during the last season of _Happy Days_.
In one unfavorable review of _Wings_ in the Los Angeles Times, the critic
wrote (paraphrased) "If God had meant NBC to have life after _Cheers_, He
wouldn't have given them _Wings_". (_TV Guide_)
[ Warning: the following is patched together from several sources of
information and may not be completely accurate ]
Tim Daly and Steven Weber were cast in the lead roles partly due to their
performances in _Diner_ and _Kennedys of Massachusetts_, respectively. NBC
exec (at the time) Brandon Tartikoff suggested that Crystal Bernard be chosen
for the role of Helen, but due to previous commitments, she was unable to
start on time. Unable to settle on another actress, Angell, Casey, and Lee
decided to wait for Bernard to become available before starting _Wings_
[ perhaps explaining its mid-season start? ] . (_People Weekly_ and _Houston
Chronicle_)
Thomas Haden Church originally tried out for the part of Brian, but lost out
to Steven Weber. However, the producers were impressed enough by Church to
create the role of Lowell for him.
Peri Gilpin (the actress who currently plays Roz on _Frasier_) auditioned for
_Wings_ for the role of Helen, at a time when the _Wings_ creators were
considering writing Helen as a Greek-American character. (John Lynch)
When interviewed about their choice for the location of _Wings_, the producers
mentioned that they really only had two legitimate candidates: the
northeastern US or the northwestern US. (_TV Guide_) Interestingly enough,
Angell, Casey, and Lee have situated their other current sitcom _Frasier_ in
Washington state...
The Italian restaurant Pontrelli's (in "Looking for Love in All the Wrong
Places") was named after one of the assistants to the producers, Gina
Pontrelli.
In "If Elected, I Will Not Live," when the TV news broadcaster is announcing
the results of the various electoral races, the names Ackerman and Casey
appear on the screen behind him.
The original script for "Try to Remember the Night He Dismembered" called for
Roy to tell the others that he dismembered and buried his late wife Sylvia in
his backyard. That part was eventually changed to $250,000, but the episode
title remained the same. (John Lynch)
When Alex Lambert first appeared on the show, it was not intended that she
become a main character. Dave Hackel said that they had planned that she
would be in three or four episodes. Her purpose was to be someone for Joe and
Brian to chase after. (_Observer & Eccentric Cable/TV Weekly_)
Kelsey Grammer won an Emmy for his guest appearance on "Planes, Trains and
Visiting Cranes." Tyne Daly was nominated for an Emmy for her guest
appearance on "My Brother's Keeper."
Relatives who have appeared in episodes:
Tyne Daly (Tim Daly's sister) in "My Brother's Keeper"
Jerry Wayne Bernard (Crystal Bernard's father) in "The Bank Dick"
Amy Van Nostrand (Tim Daly's wife) in "Have I Got a Couple for You"
N121PP does exist as a real plane ID. It is registered to Paramount Pictures,
Hollywood CA. The registration indicates that the plane is a Cessna 411, a
variant on the 400 series family. Corporations can request the suffix portion
of a tail number, sort of a vanity plate for aircraft. That's where the PP
comes in, obviously standing for Paramount Pictures. (Dick Williams)
"Tom Nevers" is a real place, an area of the island named after a westernized
Indian who lived there. The airport set is a pretty good adaptation of the
old airport building (the new one is a lot slicker), and the flight scenes at
the beginning and end are authentic. The Club Car is indeed a bar (attached
to a restaurant) on Main Street. It is made out of one of the original cars
from the Nantucket Railroad that went belly up early in the century. It is a
very popular place (despite being tiny) because they have a wonderful pianist
who plays Cole Porter and Gershwin for sing-alongs. (Marshall Keys)
Trivia About the "World" Within the Show
----------------------------------------
The name of the Nantucket airport is Tom Nevers Field.
The local newspaper is _The Nantucket Herald_.
The local high school is Siasconset High. Team nickname is the Whalers.
School newspaper is the _Siasconset High Tattler_.
The Sandpiper plane is a Cessna 402 with the ID N121PP
(Nevada-1-2-1-Papa-Papa).
Joe--
Has a BLT every Tuesday.
Childhood hero was Chuck Yeager.
Childhood pet was a dog named Ranger.
Was senior class president in high school.
High school senior prom was on June 5, 1978.
Attended Boston College.
Nickname in college was "Skirts."
Voted for Dukakis in the 1988 Presidential election.
Voted for Perot in the 1992 Presidential election.
Drives a black Jeep with wood trim.
Brian--
Childhood pet was a dog named Ranger.
Attended Princeton.
Was briefly at NASA.
Once flew for Iguana Airlines.
His middle name is Michael.
Helen--
Moved to Nantucket from Texas at the age of 10.
Lives at 612 Elm.
Drives a black Jeep Laredo with licence plate "CELLO."
Favorite piece of chamber music is Schubert's Trout Quintet.
Lowell--
Speaks French.
Has a son named Lowell, Jr.
Has a sister name Trina.
Has a cousin named Beevo who hangs around the hospital's pathology lab.
Has a cousin named Larry.
Has an uncle named Willie who lost his nose in an accident.
Godmother is Sconset Sal.
Roy--
Drives a purple El Camino.
Has a metal plate in his head.
Mother's name is Eleanor.
Has a son named R. J.
Fay--
Born and raised in Syracuse NY.
Formerly lived in St. Louis and Atlanta.
Maiden name was Schlob.
First husband was George Dumbley. Died after being hit by a bus.
Second husband was George de Vay. Cremated(?)
Third husband was George Cochran. Died in his chair. Cremated.
Lives at 205 Elm.
Speaks Spanish.
Hobbies include skeet shooting and canasta.
Antonio--
Is allergic to clams.
Mother's name is Anna Maria.
Father's name is Angelo.
Has a cousin named Giacomo who lives in Boston.
Has a brother named Alberto.
Alex--
Has four brothers in the Army.
Was in the Army and flew an Apache helicopter in Desert Storm.
Lived in an apartment complex on Old Post Road during her stay on Nantucket.
Appeared in the April 1986 edition of Playboy.
Favorite color is green.
Casey--
Was the prom queen in high school.
The Sandpiper schedule
----------------------
ARRIVALS DEPARTURES
Hyannis & Provincetown Provincetown & Hyannis
FLT 8 8:34 AM FLT 7 7:03 AM
Boston Boston
FLT 2 12:09 PM FLT 19 10:00 AM
New Bedford & Martha's Vineyard Martha's Vineyard & New Bedford
FLT 14 2:47 PM FLT 20 1:22 PM
Boston Boston
FLT 28 5:38 PM FLT 25 3:14 PM
ALL FLIGHTS DEPARTING FROM GATE 1A
Sandpiper also flies to Providence, but it's not on the posted schedule.
Aeromass's Destinations
-----------------------
Boston
Hartford
Hyannis
Newark
New York (Laguardia)
Portland
Providence
==============================================================================
S.N.A.F.U.'s
============
Plot S.N.A.F.U.'s
-----------------
"There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket" - Fay says she buried all three of her
late husbands.
"A Terminal Christmas" - Fay cremated her third husband George.
"Exit Laughing" - Fay implies she cremated her second husband George.
"Joe Blows I" - Fay says her first and second husbands are buried on
Nantucket.
"The Shrink" - Fay says she buried two of her husbands in June.
"Legacy" - Fay says she didn't know Joe had a brother.
"Stew in a Stew" - Joe told Fay he had a brother when they first met.
(although she may have forgot because she was drunk)
"Take My Life, Please" - Helen says her first cello teacher was a woman.
"The Gift I" - Helen says her first cello teacher was Winston Catlow.
"Labor Pains" - Lowell says he's scared of spiders.
"I Love Brian" - Lowell says he loves spiders.
"This Old House" - Lowell says, "Wow! Beer, wanton destruction, naked women
-- reminds me of my sister's sweet sixteen party."
"Another Wedding" - Fay says Lowell doesn't have a sister.
"Sleepless in Nantucket" - Lowell struggles to come up with names for his
sister's newborn twins.
"Love Means Never Having To Say Geronimo" - Joe and Helen almost get married.
"Whose Wife is it Anyway?" - Helen says, "Thirty-one years without a single
proposal, then I get two in one day."
"2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten" - Joe's senior prom was on June 5, 1978 -- therefore
he was in ninth grade in the 1974-1975 school year.
"Miss Jenkins" - Brian says the last time they saw Miss Jenkins, who taught
ninth grade English, was on August 17, 1974 -- before Joe (or Brian or
Helen) was in ninth grade.
"A Terminal Christmas" - Helen says she has an older sister named Lorraine who
is married and has two children.
"If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother" - Deedee Chappel implies she has no
children other than Helen and Casey.
Prop S.N.A.F.U.'s
-----------------
In some episodes, the letters on the side of the Sandpiper plane are "N121PB"
or "N160PB," not "N121PP." This is especially noticeable in transition shots
showing the plane flying.
The Hacketts call their plane a Cessna 402; the flying airplane shown in
transition shots (N160PB) is a Cessna 414, while the one sitting in the hangar
(N121PB) is a Cessna 421. The two are different in the cowling. The 421 is a
geared prop so it has a bump in the cowling where the prop comes out. A 414
is direct drive and has no bump. (Alan Cavitt)
"Love Means Never Having to Say Geronimo" - There are two Fridays in a row.
"Around the World in Eighty Years" - Fay says it's a forty minute flight to
New Bedford.
"Return to Nantucket II" - Joe says it's a forty minute flight to Boston.
"Boys Will Be Girls" - Joe says it's a half-hour flight to Boston.
"The Gift I" - when Helen and Brian are upstairs discussing her future,
Helen's hair keeps switching from in front of to behind her shoulder.
"A Decent Proposal" - Timothy Stack is credited as playing the part of Mr.
Elias. In the episode itself, Stack plays the banker Mr. Thompson; there is
no Mr. Elias.
"Insanity Claus" - when Lowell comes in the office dressed in his commando
gear, he pushes most, but not all, of the stuff off of Joe's desk. Then a
different angle is shown, and the desk is completely clear, except for
Lowell's plans. When the original angle is shown, *poof*, some of the stuff
is back on the desk.
==============================================================================
QUOTES
======
Get A Life
----------
"As far as I was concerned, our relationship ended right out there on that
runway!" [Joe pulls open blinds to reveal Brian, Fay, Lowell and Roy
eavesdropping.] "Don't you people have lives?!!"
-- Joe, "The Naked Truth"
"People, there *is* a life outside that airport."
-- Frasier Crane, "Planes, Trains, and Visiting Cranes"
"This is life... like."
-- Helen, "Lifeboat"
B: Everybody in the airport's talking about it.
J: Everybody? Boy, is this island ever ripe for a cineplex.
-- Brian & Joe, "It May Have Happened One Night"
"I spoke to the other cabbies. Joe's Jeep was placed outside Alex's building
no earlier than midnight and no later than two-thirty. Footprints leading to
the car indicate he must have left between two and four, because they were
filled with rainwater. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that I
have got to get a life."
-- Antonio, "It May Have Happened One Night"
H: Don't you people have anything better to do than to listen to my
conversations?
R: It's either that or have one of our own.
-- Helen & Roy, "Exit Laughing"
J: You know what we need?
H: A life?
-- Joe & Helen, "Have I Got a Couple for You"
Insults
-------
B: You don't think Lowell will do something stupid, do you?
R: Gee, what are the odds?
-- Brian & Roy, "I Ain't Got No Bunny"
L: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
R: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.
-- Lowell & Roy, "Marriage, Italian Style"
"Beers, guns, and a bunch of idiots. Now there's an episode of _Rescue 911_
just waiting to happen."
-- Roy, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
H: That must be a really hard call to make.
R: Especially for Lowell -- it's got ten numbers in it.
-- Helen & Roy, "Bye Bye, Bunny"
L: I'm recording my thoughts. I have one almost, uh, every day.
R: I'd have bet against it.
-- Lowell & Roy, "An Affair to Forget"
L: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
R: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.
-- Lowell & Roy, "Oh, Give Me a Home Where the Mathers Don't Roam"
J: Lowell, where you going?
L: Oh, to clear my mind.
R: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.
-- Joe, Lowell & Roy, "The Waxman Cometh"
F: I can feel an emptiness in my heart.
R: Try about a foot higher, Fay.
-- Fay & Roy, "Around the World in Eighty Years"
F: I remember once when I was a stewardess, we were snowbound in Butte,
Montana without any money or change of clothes. But I didn't cry into my
beer -- no, I made the best of it. I met three new friends; I wove a
basket out of an old lawn chair; I became an honorary Sioux Indian.
R: Haven't you ever had a bad day?
F: Uh, no, not yet, but I bet you'll be there when I do.
-- Fay & Roy, "Return to Nantucket I"
B: [to Helen] Why don't you just put out a brochure: "The Do's and Don'ts of
Dating Helen"?
R: Oh, that's easy. Don't.
-- Brian & Roy, "Ready, Teddy, Go"
R: Right, Hackett, right. The day you get an important piece of mail, I'll
kiss your behind in the town square at high noon.
H: Given up on those dial-a-dates, Roy?
-- Roy & Helen, "Legacy"
R: [to Joe] I didn't mean to rain on your parade.
H: Then cover your mouth when you talk; you're spraying like a garden hose.
-- Roy & Helen, "The Story of Joe"
R: Oh, Helen, you're pathetic. . . . You're practically drooling after that
young punk.
H: Oh, stop it -- I am not!
R: Oh yeah, I see the way you're looking at him. Seventeen years old, perfect
body at his sexual peak. Well, I've got news for you, sweet cakes. I can
do anything in a bedroom that that kid can do.
H: Except get someone to join you.
-- Roy & Helen, "Say It Ain't So Joe"
R: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
H: What's he going to do the second half of the day?
-- Roy & Helen, "Noses Off"
R: That lady doesn't even know the two of you are alive. There's a certain
look they get when they're not interested.
H: Now could you get a more expert opinion?
-- Roy & Helen, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
R: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
H: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.
-- Roy & Helen, "Sleepless in Nantucket"
B: When we were younger -- before I was a pilot, and before you made that
silly rule -- why is it you and I never dated one another?
H: Well, for one, you're *obnoxious*.
B: Oh, yeah. And you were, well... *huge*.
H: That's true. But I've gotten thinner.
-- Brian & Helen, "There Once Was a Girl From Nantucket"
"Everytime you sleep with a woman, you immediately lose respect for her. I
know I do."
-- Helen to Brian, "Stop in the Name of Love"
H: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
J: Me?! You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
H: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
J: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!
-- Joe & Helen, "Duet for Plane and Cello"
J: I'll never understand that relationship. [Helen and Davis]
AL:What don't you understand? He's charming, romantic, funny and incredibly
successful. I used to go out with a guy just like him.
J: Clearly you've gotten over that.
-- Joe & Alex, "Come Fly With Me"
"Let me just ask you two questions: Where did he take you to eat... and did
he order a Happy Meal?"
-- Joe asking Helen about her date with Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart"
A: Twenty five thousand dollars? God, if only I'd been born a Mather.
J: That's something you don't hear every day.
-- Antonio & Joe, "The Waxman Cometh"
"That's the happiest looking man I've ever seen."
-- Joe looking at a picture of Casey's husband leaving her, "Twisted Sister"
B: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch
television than have sex.
R: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're...
you're too tired, or she's too -- what's a nice way to put this? -- ugly.
B: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't
think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
-- Brian & Roy, "Is That a Subpoena in Your Pocket...?"
R: You can say "please" for hours, it won't do you any good.
B: Ah, another page from the Roy Biggins Dating Manual.
-- Roy & Brian, "Divorce, American Style"
H: We spent eight hours at sea.
F: Freezing cold, in a lifeboat.
L: With Roy.
A: Oh, God, you poor people.
-- Helen, Fay, Lowell & Antonio, "Lifeboat"
Gail: This... [kisses Joe] is for the most wonderful weekend a woman ever
had.
Roy: Now there goes a woman who never spent a weekend with Roy Biggins.
Antonio: You mean she hasn't been chained to your furnace?
-- "The Taming of the Shrew"
"Big swollen glands, Roy's house. Possible sterility, Roy's house."
-- Antonio, "The Customer's Usually Right"
A: You play the part of a producer. . . . You are an overbearing, pompous
windbag.
R: Sounds like a great character.
A: That's not his character. I've just been dying to say that to him.
-- Antonio & Roy, "The Gift I"
R: Let's face it. Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you never want to be
with another man.
A: Sounds about right.
-- Roy & Antonio, "Roy Crazy"
R: You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?
A: Deflate her?
-- Roy & Antonio, "Long Distance Lament"
R: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
AL:Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower,
shave, buy chloroform...
-- Roy & Alex, "Roy Crazy"
J: That's not even the best part. She left me for my own brother.
AL:Please tell me you have more than one brother.
-- Joe & Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night"
Joe
---
J: Every time I fly, I come back a little surer there's a God.
L: I go down to the dump and shoot rats.
J: Then you do understand.
-- Joe & Lowell, "Legacy"
"Boy, is she going to be disappointed when she finds out that Big Ben is a
clock."
-- Joe about Carol, "Return to Nantucket I"
"First, we each take a scoring wedge, or pie, . . ."
-- Joe, "Sports and Leisure"
J: I finally get a relationship started, and look at me. I've already
lied to her, snuck around behind her back, gotten away with it, and
now she's thanked me for it.
B: Feels kinda great, doesn't it.
J: Yeah.
-- Joe & Brian, "Love is Like Pulling Teeth"
J: Look at this, the new L. L. Bean and J. Crew catalogues came on the same
day.
B: Boy, I feel like stopping what I'm doing and writing down how I feel.
-- Joe & Brian, "Crate Expectations"
A: Joe, you are sucking the fun out of this game.
B: This is a game? I thought I'd died and gone to the boring part of Hell.
-- Antonio & Brian, "Try to Remember the Night He Dismembered"
J: The thing I remember most about the day I broke the record...
B: What?
J: When I broke it, they trotted out this old guy, the previous record
holder, to shake my hand.
B: Yeah, I remember that guy. What an old geezer!
J: He was two years younger than I am right now.
-- Joe & Brian, "Say It Ain't So, Joe"
J: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?!
B: You are sitting on it.
J: I am *not* going in that line of work.
B: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and *don't* flatter
yourself.
-- Joe & Brian, "The Gift I"
B: What is the deal with men crying these days? Is it in or out?
J: Oh, let's see. Sixties was love and sex -- no reason to cry.
B: Seventies was the sensitive male. It was okay to cry. Eighties was--
J: Making money -- no crying.
B: And what's the nineties?
J: No money, no sex -- nothing to do *but* cry.
-- Brian & Joe, "Bye Bye, Bunny"
J: You know, I remember a time when the three of us knew how to have fun
together. Remember when we went to that political rally and we signed
that petition without even reading it?
H: Yeah. I'm still tingling.
-- Joe & Helen, "Come Fly With Me"
H: He's been to Atlantic City, Myrtle Beach, Key West, and a couple of days
ago, he was at Jack's Bar in Mystique.
B: Oh, my Go... Do you know what that means?
R: Yeah. Somebody fun lifted Joe's wallet.
-- Helen, Brian & Roy, "Joe Blows II"
"I realized that you can only spend so much time lying on the beach with a
beautiful woman in one hand, a margarita in the other, before you... run out
of money."
-- Joe, "Joe Blows II"
J: Yeah, why not? I'd love to go see Pearl Jam.
L: Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert? [laughs] Pearl *Bailey*, maybe.
-- Joe & Lowell, "Hey, Nineteen"
J: Last night I had *the* most exciting dream of my entire life.
B: Let me guess: you got a brand new pair of dockers?
-- Joe & Brian, "All's Fare"
Matt Messina
-----
J: Give me one good reason I shouldn't beat the hell out of you!
B: I'm on your medical plan?
-- Joe & Brian, "The Puppetmaster"
J: Where am I going to get sleazy entertainment at this hour?
B: [Pulls a card out of his breast pocket and hands it to Joe]
-- Joe & Brian, "A Stand Up Kind of Guy"
"Just once I'd love to hear someone say, 'He was a *raving* lunatic. I
*feared* for my life. I was just *waiting* for the chainsaw to come *ripping*
through the wall!'"
-- Brian, on homicidal maniacs described as model citizens, "Murder, She
Roast"
H: Both of you, get out of here!
B: Okay, but you won't hear the good news and the bad news.
H: What good news?
B: . . . I spent an hour talking to a lawyer and he said that there might be
another way for Antonio to get his visa.
A: What is the bad news?
B: I spent an hour talking to a lawyer.
-- "Divorce, American Style"
"You are the conscience of us all. You're plucky, decent, honest. You know, I
sometimes kinda wish that you were my kid brother, just so I could kick the
crap out of you."
-- Brian to Helen, "The Fortune Cookie"
J: And that little stunt that you just pulled in there, about finding only
one of us attractive, that's a very nice try, but we know a bluff when
we see it, and that was a bluff.
AL:You're right, it was.
J: Yeah, you're darn right-- Huh?
AL:It was a bluff. I don't find either one of you attractive.
B: You bet your life you don't!
-- Joe, Alex & Brian, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
H: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
B: Well, obviously, she doesn't.
-- Helen & Brian, "It's So Nice To Have a Mather Around the House"
AL:Well, you don't have to go. I mean, we could just sleep.
B: Kid, if I had a dollar for every time I used that line...
-- Alex & Brian, "Stop in the Name of Love"
"I'm already in a relationship, and I want to get a cheap thrill by living
vicariously through you, is that so wrong?"
-- Brian telling Joe why he wants him to date Courtney, "Hey, Nineteen"
Helen
-----
B: What's your idea of the perfect man?
H: Oh, I don't know. Solid, sensitive, and dependable, but with a sense of
whimsy. A love of music and children, a sense of commitment, but a respect
for my independence. Adventurous, yet a homebody. But I really hadn't
thought about it that much.
-- Brian & Helen, "The Puppetmaster"
H: I met a guy. . . . We went on a date last night, and I had the *best* time.
Candlelight dinner, cappuccino on The Wharf, terrific sex...
J: What?!
H: Just seeing if you were listening. You know I hate cappuccino.
-- Helen, Brian & Joe, "The Puppetmaster"
J: Helen, look, it's Brian and that guy from the magazine. What a surprise;
let's go join them.
H: Hey, wait a minute! You didn't want to take me to lunch. I'm only here so
it won't look like you're pathetically tagging along after them. Joe, why
didn't you just tell me the truth?
J: Would you have come?
H: Of course not. I have a *lunch* counter. I don't normally close it at
*lunch* to go to *lunch*, that's why it's called a *lunch* counter.
-- Joe & Helen, "The Story of Joe"
"Welcome to the Big Leagues, Sparky."
-- Helen to Brian, "Hell Hath No Fury Like a Policewoman Scorned"
J: Well, I'm sorry you don't find it as exciting as my other students do.
H: Oh, yeah, right. Lowell spent the entire class yesterday watching an ant
push a grain of salt across his desk, and you know what -- I *envied* him!
-- Joe & Helen, "Airport '90"
Gail: Why are these moments between us always so uncomfortable?"
Helen: I don't know. I guess it's because... I'm Joe's ex and you're his...
why.
-- "Ladies Who Lunch"
H: Well, I was on my way home, and then I remembered a lemon meringue pie was
just delivered here this morning, so...
J: Then why are you eating chocolate frosting?
H: 'Cause the raspberry tart I ate after the pie left a bitter taste in my
mouth.
///
H: You know what thought just went through my head?
J: Uh... "There's chocolate chip cookie dough in the refrigerator?"
H: Not anymore.
-- Helen & Joe, "Mathers of the Heart"
AL:I'm impressed. You know, behind that sweet, innocent exterior, you may
actually be *worse* than I am.
H: [smiles] Oh, you're just saying that.
-- Alex & Helen, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
Carlton: I am lactose intolerant. I had a terrible time at my mother's
breast.
Helen: Oh God, I just pictured that.
///
Carlton: Believe me, I'm not proud of that barracuda that sprang from these
loins.
Helen: Just when I got the picture of you breastfeeding out of my mind.
-- "The Houseguest"
"Helen's not here anymore!"
-- Helen, "Goodbye, Old Friend"
Davis: What's in it?
Helen: Let's see. Soda, bitters, pepto-bismol, soy sauce, aspirin, and a
little bitty shot of bug spray.
Joe: She's kidding.
Helen: Yes, I'm kidding. I was out of aspirin.
-- "Business or Pleasure"
J: You say potato, she says...
H: No thanks, I'll just have the rice.
-- Joe & Helen, "An Affair to Forget"
Man: Do you know what I'd really like to do? . . . I'd like you to dress up
like Little Bo Peep, hogtie me to the bedpost, and spank me for being
the bad, bad boy that I am.
Helen: Excuse me?
Man: I know the going rate for you girls is three hundred dollars, but for
this, I'm willing to up it to five.
Helen: That is the most disgu-- Five hundred dollars?
-- "Come Fly With Me"
Helen: I used to babysit her. When was it? Uh... Like five, six years ago?
Courtney:More like twelve. I'm nineteen now.
Helen: You are nineteen? You know, I was nineteen when I sat you.
Joe: Well, Helen, that would make you about...
Helen: [Shoves Joe away] About twenty-seven, go away.
-- "Hey, Nineteen"
"I can't leave her. Joe, her husband just left her. She's falling apart;
she's disgraced; she's just humiliated." [smiling at Casey] "Aren't you,
honey?"
-- Helen, "Twisted Sister"
B: The doctor explained to me that inside of me is a scared little boy. So
from now on, Big Brian is going to have to start listening to Little Brian.
H: Now isn't that what got you into trouble in the first place?
-- Brian & Helen, "The Shrink"
C: Helen, you know me -- I hate to ask for money.
H: Then the last couple of weeks must have been pure hell for you.
-- Casey & Helen, "The Spark and How to Get It"
J: [to Casey] There's nothing wrong with being an ordinary person and getting
an ordinary, plain haircut. Just ask Helen who she uses...
H: Boy, sometimes don't you wish you could just suck the words right back into
your mouth?
-- Joe & Helen, "The Spark and How to Get It"
Lowell
------
B: [to Joe] You keep this pace up, you're going to end up like Howard Hughes
-- locked in a hotel room, sitting on kleenex, sucking applesauce through a
straw.
L: Isn't that something? All that money and his hobbies are the same as mine.
B: Really. He also used to collect toenail clippings and keep them in a mason
jar.
L: This is uncanny!
-- Brian & Lowell, "Legacy"
L: You know, I've been thinking about Howard. There is another alternative.
F: You mean like he landed at another airport and he's sitting there enjoying
a hot cup of coffee right now?
L: No, like he slipped through a hole in the universe and he's lost somewhere
in time.
B: A hole in the universe, Lowell?
L: Yeah, they're everywhere. Cosmic Potholes I call 'em. [takes a huge step
to avoid said "Cosmic Pothole"]
F: Howard's gone.
B: So's Lowell.
-- Lowell, Fay & Brian, "Around the World in Eighty Years"
L: You're standing on my hand.
J: Sorry, why didn't you say something?
L: Well, it felt kinda good at first.
-- Lowell & Joe, "Return to Nantucket I"
F: I heard from the man upstairs. [in the control tower]
L: You just talked to the man upstairs?
F: Yeah, Frank.
L: God's name is Frank?
-- Fay & Lowell, "Return to Nantucket I"
B: Lowell just gave me a really weird look.
J: How could you tell?
-- Brian & Joe, "Return to Nantucket II"
Lowell: So you say you're gay, huh? Gay, really? No.
R.J.: Yes.
Lowell: No.
R.J.: What do I have to do to prove it to you?
Lowell: Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
-- "There's Always Room for Cello"
L: Joe, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is the
plane's fixed.
J: What's the bad news?
L: I think I'm possessed by Satan. Either that or ragweed season has come
early. [sneezes, sounds suspiciously like "I curse you"]
J: My money's on Satan.
-- Lowell & Joe, "The Story of Joe"
J: [speaking to his flight class] Anyway, just to get acquainted, why don't we
all share why we want to fly. Helen?
H: Because... flying a plane is... orgasmic.
J: Okay... Lowell?
L: Helen took my answer.
-- Joe, Helen & Lowell, "Airport '90"
H: New York... sucked. . . . and I don't want to ever, ever, ever, *ever* talk
about that city again. Okay? Any questions?
L: Did you see any good shows?
H: The only show I saw was a man peeing on Forty-second Street.
L: Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Weber musical?
-- Helen & Lowell, "The Naked Truth"
F: Lowell, you weren't an orphan.
L: No, but my brother was.
-- Fay & Lowell, "The Taming of the Shrew"
H: Three years isn't a lifetime.
L: It is if you're a horseshoe crab.
-- Helen & Lowell, "Divorce, American Style"
H: You know, it's a sad day in this country when a man with a simple little
eccentricity is labeled the village idiot!
L: Hear, hear. [raises his glass]
-- Helen & Lowell, "Crate Expectations"
H: Lowell, how much money do you got in your pocket?
L: Seven thousand dollars.
H: You have seven thousand dollars in your pocket? Why?
L: Does the name "Charles Keating" mean anything to you?
-- Helen & Lowell, "Lifeboat"
"He's got a problem. But when you think about all the problems he could have,
but doesn't, or does have, and keeps to himself . . ."
-- Brian, referring to Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny"
J: This is steep.
L: That's why they call it a steeple, Joe.
-- Joe & Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny"
L: Absolute proof?
J: Incontrovertible.
L: Huh?
J: Absolute.
-- Joe & Lowell, "I Ain't Got No Bunny"
"Well, spit it out, man. I'm not made of glass! Though sometimes I wish I
were -- glass being an extremely *poor* conductor of electricity."
-- Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart"
"I mean, excuse me, there's a reason they put PBS on the channels nobody
watches."
-- Lowell, "Mathers of the Heart"
"Have patience, Roy, the sweet science of cricket hunting takes time.
Eventually, the better mind will prevail. Geez, did I leave my soda in
there?"
-- Lowell, "It May Have Happened One Night"
"Although oil and water don't technically mix, seen up close, their union
creates a rainbow of ethereal beauty. Anyone who's been face down in a gutter
on a rainy night will back me up on that one."
-- Lowell, "Exit Laughing"
L: Sometimes, a person just has annoying habits you can't overlook. . . .
Bunny had one. She used to drum her fingers on the table when she would
read the morning paper. Drove me crazy! That's what broke up our
marriage.
H: Lowell, I thought it was because Bunny slept with other men.
L: Oh, right. Make that two annoying habits.
-- Lowell & Helen, "Exit Laughing"
A: They think you're going to crack.
L: I got to agree with 'em!
-- Antonio & Lowell, "Labor Pains"
F: Are you sure you know your lines?
L: Line, Fay. I just have one line. I think I can handle it: "Excuse me,
Miss Winfrey, that phone's out of order."
///
L: "Excuse me Miss Winfrey, that..." Line!
-- Fay & Lowell, "The Gift I"
R: The last time I cried I was seven years old. My mom took me to see
_Bambi_.
L: I remember the time I cried. My parents took me downtown to see _Ordinary
People_.
R: Yeah, that was a sad movie.
L: What movie?
-- Roy & Lowell, "The Key to Alex"
L: [trying to choose nickname]
R: How about just "idiot?"
L: Oh, that's a *big* help. Half the guys I know are "idiot."
-- Lowell & Roy, "The Key To Alex"
J: Can we see you in my office?
L: I don't know. [goes in office] Can you see?
-- Joe & Lowell, "Goodbye, Old Friend"
J: Lowell, you cannot get a lawyer from a matchbook.
H: He can. He did. He's Lowell. Enough said.
-- Joe & Helen, "Bye Bye, Bunny"
H: You can be any food you want. [naming foods on her menu after people]
L: Okay. That's a big responsibility. I'm going to take a little time with
this. I have to be something that's low in cholesterol, no fat, and I have
to be easy to digest. I don't want anybody waking up in the middle of the
night saying, "Boy, that Lowell Mather gave me *gas*!"
-- Helen & Lowell, "Exclusively Yours"
"First time I got hit in the head with a brick was in that hat. First time I
got hit in the head with a brick was in that hat."
-- Lowell, "The Shrink"
F: Lowell, I hear you're looking for investments. Well, I have an idea that's
a gold mine. What's the one thing on this island that everyone wants, and
no one can get?
L: You want me to open a whorehouse?
-- Fay & Lowell, "The Waxman Cometh"
L: Okay, wait 'til you hear this story. Alright, remember my friend Merle?
Well, he went out cod fishing the other day and he reeled in a fifty-
pounder. He gets it back to the beach, cuts that baby open... What do you
think falls out?
R: The mug?
L: No, a license plate from nineteen twenty-nine. So he takes it home, he
tells his wife about it, she doesn't believe him. They have a huge fight,
Merle storms out, he's walking down the beach... Guess what he tripped
over?
R: The mug?
L: No, a big ol' piece of driftwood. He falls down, gashes his head, he has
to go to the hospital, get thirty stitches, his wife comes to comfort him,
you know... What do you think she brings him?
R: [inaudibly] The mug? [Points at the mug]
L: No, flowers.
R: Mather, where the hell'd you find the mug?!
L: I saw your pilot, Bob, getting on a flight with it, and I said, "Hey, wait
a second, Bob, that's Roy's mug." But isn't that something about Merle?
-- Lowell & Roy, "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You Just Happy to See
Me?"
Roy
---
J: Don't be afraid to show your tender side.
R: I'll show you my tender side. [turns and walks away]
-- Joe & Roy, "Around the World in Eighty Years"
B: I think we underestimated his sensitivity level.
J: Who knew he had one?
-- Brian & Joe about Roy, "Sports and Leisure"
"Now that I'm running unopposed, there's a good chance I'll win!"
-- Roy, "If Elected, I Will Not Live"
"I don't know why Hackett bothers with those evaluations. If someone's a bad
employee, you just can their sorry butt. If they're good, you slowly and
methodically take away their self-confidence until they're convinced they'll
never be able to get a job anywhere else."
-- Roy, "Stew in a Stew"
F: Well, I know what we need to put us in a good mood: a song. I'm assuming
everyone knows the words to "Peanut on a Railroad Track"?
H: Fay, we've only been in the water fifteen minutes, we're not that desperate
yet.
R: I could be on *fire* for fifteen minutes and not be that desperate.
-- Fay, Helen & Roy, "Lifeboat"
"You are talking to the *master* of the insurance scam. . . . I've got this
little switch on my dashboard that disconnects my brake lights. Every time
there's a Mercedes or a BMW behind me, I throw the switch, slam on the brakes
and cash a check. I know what you're thinking, and I don't care.
-- Roy, "The Fortune Cookie"
"I am not the least bit insecure. Do I seem insecure? What are you staring
at? You are sick, you know that?"
-- Roy, "Noses Off"
R: I've never wanted something dead so much in my entire life.
F: He'll get the cricket, Roy. [Lowell will]
R: Oh yeah, the cricket.
-- Roy & Fay, "It May Have Happened One Night"
R: We'll split the bill down the middle, we'll get double receipts, and we'll
both write off the full amount.
J: Isn't that kind of cheating the government?
R: One. Seven. [referring to the number of planes that they own]
-- Roy & Joe, "Labor Pains"
A: What is this "Phantom of the Opera"?
R: You know, where the disfigured nutjob lives underneath the Paris Opera
House and drives everyone zooey so this young babe can sing instead of the
fat diva in the helmet.
-- Antonio & Roy, "The Gift I"
"I must admit, the first time we did that number, I was a little skeptical,
but now I'm sure: we stink on ice."
-- Roy, "The Gift II"
AL:What reason would anybody have to harm Fay? I mean, she's the nicest,
sweetest, cheeriest person in the world.
R: There's three reasons right there.
-- Alex & Roy, "The Faygitive"
J: [using the _Farmer's Almanac_ to choose a wedding day] An excellent day to
castrate your bull.
R: Sounds like a wedding day to me.
-- Joe & Roy, "The Shrink"
"The old guy was leading a "Simon Says" game when he collapsed. On the way
down he yelled, "Call an ambulance!" but no one moved."
-- Roy, "Miss Jenkins"
Fay
---
"Marriage is a wonderful institution. I know, I've been there three times
myself! Marriage I mean, not an institution."
-- Fay, "A Stand Up Kind of Guy"
"You know, Helen, if you're at feeling all nervous, you can do what I did when
I spoke to the Ladies' Literary Society. I just took five deep breaths and
one little shot of Peppermint Schnapps, or was that one deep breath and
five... That might explain why I couldn't say 'Balzac' without giggling."
-- Fay, "Take My Life, Please"
"I was at Cape Canaveral when they tested the first Mercury rocket, and it
wasn't half as memorable as this. Of course, I spent most of that day in the
hospitality tent doing shooters with Deke Slaton, so that whole day..."
-- Fay, "The Fortune Cookie"
F: I remember once when I had two men chasing after me.
H: Ah, I bet you were flattered by all the attention, right?
F: Not really. When they caught me, they stole my purse.
R: That could very well have been the purse where Fay kept all her marbles.
-- Fay, Helen & Roy, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
"Oh, I know how Joe feels. I once got overcharged for a pair of pumps at
Filene's. The advertisement said thirty percent off, but the salesclerk only
gave me twenty. Now that I think of it, I'll bet that clerk just pocketed the
difference. That was almost thirty years ago, so the ten percent compounded
daily adds up to... Well, enough to buy her a closet full of shoes, and all
I've got to show for it a callus on my little toe those lousy pumps gave me."
[The others stare at her] "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that out loud?"
-- Fay, "The Customer's Usually Right"
F: I've always liked my men to be *men*: rugged and with the spirit of the
Old West. Great big, barrel-chested men who laugh in the face of danger.
B: Fay, you just described a rodeo clown.
F: Yes, I know.
-- Fay & Brian, "The Key to Alex"
F: Have you heard of this phenomenon where you think of somebody and then the
phone rings and it's them? . . . Well, this morning I was thinking about my
old friend Delores, and guess who called?
H: Your old friend Delores.
F: No, my old friend Betty.
-- Fay & Brian, "The Faygitive"
Mark the Waiter: Excuse me, I'm looking for a woman with silky blond hair,
alabaster skin and eyes a man can get lost in. Have you seen her?
Fay: I used to *be* her.
-- "Roy Crazy"
"The only thing you'll find there is empty, shallow, meaningless sex. And men
who don't appreciate an older, more experienced woman."
-- Fay, "The Spark and How to Get It"
Antonio
-------
"In Italy, we have a saying about the relationship between a man with not so
much money and a woman who is very, very wealthy. . . . 'Way to go.'"
-- Antonio, "My Brother's Keeper"
A: Just the other day, two women got into my cab, total strangers. Within two
minutes, they're talking about their love lives in the most graphic detail.
J: How did you handle it?
A: I took the long way.
-- Antonio & Joe, "Ladies Who Lunch"
L: I had another one of those dreams last night, and this one has me
completely baffled. . . . I'm naked, and tied to a four-poster bed.
H: And I'm out of here.
L: At each of the posts stands Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kim Basinger, and
Julia Roberts. Now they're arguing over who gets me first. Anybody?
A: What exactly did you have for dinner last night?
B: What can you tell from that?
A: Nothing, I just want to make sure I eat the same thing tonight.
-- Lowell, Helen, Antonio & Brian, "The Late Mrs. Biggins"
H: And things were just starting to go so well for you and your taxi business.
A: I know, I just learned the long way to every place on the island.
-- Helen & Antonio, "Marriage, Italian Style"
H: When are we getting that quickie divorce?
A: Three years from this day.
H: Three years! . . . You said we were going to get a quickie divorce!
A: Helen, my grandparents were married eighty-one years. To me, three years
*is* a quickie divorce.
-- Helen & Antonio, "Marriage, Italian Style"
A: But I found myself wanting to know so much more about Miss Scarlett and
Rhett Butler. [after reading _Scarlett_] For instance, what happened to
them earlier during the Civil War.
R: You never heard of the book by Margaret Mitchell, _Gone With the Wind_, and
perhaps the most famous movie ever made?
A: I was sick for a while there.
H: Antonio, _Gone With the Wind_ tells all about those characters before and
during the Civil War.
A: Get out!
H: Yeah, see, the book _Scarlett_ is what's called a sequel to _Gone With the
Wind_. You know, like _Return of the Jedi_ and _The Empire Strikes Back_.
A: Oh, yes, I liked those.
H: Right, well, they're sequels to the movie _Star Wars_.
A: "Star Wars"?
-- Antonio, Roy & Helen, "Stew in a Stew"
"Joe, from now on, whenever you need to go anywhere, any hour of the day or
night, you call on me. . . . Except weekends, of course. And Wednesdays,
either -- that's my day off. . . . And I'd rather you didn't call me on
Fridays -- that's my busiest day. . . . And if I have a date, it would be
*awkward* having you in the cab! I can't plan my entire week around you!!
I'm sorry for your troubles, but it's not my fault!"
-- Antonio, "The Fortune Cookie"
H: Hey Antonio, what are you writing?
A: A poem. The Nantucket Tourism Board is putting together a booklet written
by local poets.
B: I didn't know that you wrote poetry.
A: I don't, but the best poem gets a hundred bucks, so I figured: "What the
hey."
L: Well, I'm game, let's hear it.
A: Okay. It's called "Waiting For a Fare."
Waiting for a fare
Here comes one now
Oh, he looks like he wants to go someplace far
What? You just want directions to the lighthouse?
It's right there, you stinking little tourist!
What are you, blind?!
HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE THAT FINGER, PAL!
GET IN, I'LL DRIVE YOU INTO THE COLD, DARK OCEAN!
Waiting for a fare
So, what do you think?
H: Well, Antonio, that was very nice, but don't you think maybe the Tourism
Board would want something a little more upbeat?
A: No problem: "And come back soon."
-- Helen, Antonio, Brian & Lowell, "Blackout Buggins"
"You're saying: to win back Lowell's friendship, I should take him to a
musical?"
-- Antonio, "Two Jerks and a Jill"
A: This Shannon reminds me of a woman I knew from my village . . . . She
treated men like garbage, but they kept coming back for more. They would
rather die than be without her. She was called . . . "The Black Widow."
F: Oh, after the spider who kills her mate?
A: No, because she was black, and her husband had died.
-- Antonio & Fay, "Just Say No"
"She sounds like the kind of woman who takes pleasure in giving men pain,
likes grinding a man's spirit into the dirt with a stiletto heel. If Brian
comes to his senses, let her know I'm available."
-- Antonio, "Just Say No"
"This is not Sicily, where you mind your own business and keep your mouth
shut. This is America, where you are expected to do your civic duty. Why
didn't I go to Australia, where they don't care what the hell you do?"
-- Antonio, "What the Cabbie Saw"
H: [on AL posing for Playboy] How do you ever get over something like that?
A: If I ever do, I'll let you know.
-- Helen & Antonio, "I've Got A Secret"
J: You know it's weird. I'm not even that close to Walter, but for some
reason I'm really looking forward to his wedding. Why is that?
F: Well, maybe it's because when we see two people about to start a new life
together, it renews our own feelings of hope and promise.
A: Or because there's nothing else to do on this stinking island prison we
call Nantucket.
-- Joe, Fay & Antonio, "Another Wedding"
"Jiffy cleaners, we're on the spot."
-- Antonio reading the pen that leaked in his pocket, "Another Wedding"
"Your children are very lucky, Lowell. All my father ever told me was, 'You
may not be strong, you may not be smart, but you sure are a hairy little
monkey.'"
-- Antonio, "An Affair to Forget"
A: Last night, I'm watching _Gone With the Wind_. Near the end of the movie,
Rhett is at the door. He looks back and he says, "Frankly, Scarlett . . ."
and then, suddenly, I lost the channel. What does he tell her?
AL:"I don't give a damn."
A: Sorry to have bothered you.
-- Antonio & Alex, "The Faygitive"
AL:It's just Antonio!
H: What the *hell* is he doing here?!
A: Feeling unwelcome at the moment.
-- Alex, Helen & Antonio, "Black Eye Affair"
H: [Reading from Danny's book] "Hot and flushed from lovemaking, Kiki dove
naked off the boat, motioning Ryan to join her in the warm, beckoning
waters of the cove."
A: Put...put...put...put...put Kiki back on the boat and... read it again,
slowly.
-- Helen & Antonio, "Call of the Wild"
B: Well, Antonio, the fact is that whenever you're around women you act
desperate and pathetic, and that's why they flee from you like from a
burning building.
A: [turns away] You're mean.
-- Brian & Antonio, "The Spark and How to Get It"
A: We have a wax museum? I've never seen it. And as a cab driver, I know
every square inch of this island.
J: Yeah, I remember that place. It's right next to the old whaling village.
A: We have a whaling village?
-- Antonio & Joe, "The Waxman Cometh"
Alex
----
AL:It's not going to freak you out if I sort of turn into a girl for a second
here, is it?
J: I'm just thrilled it's possible.
-- Alex & Joe, "It May Have Happened One Night"
"Look, Joe, Satan, whatever your name is!"
-- Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night"
"Guess who's driving now."
-- Alex, "It May Have Happened One Night"
AL:I just finished this entire carton. "Serves six."
H: Yeah, but a serving's like two ounces. I mean, there's that much stuck to
the lid.
AL:Oh right, the lid!
-- Alex & Helen, "I've Got a Secret"
"I believe someone was obsessed with you. . . . Sounds like it was you."
-- Alex to Joe, "2 Good 2 Be 4 Gotten"
Casey
-----
"Casey, look at you! You're dressed. You're up. You cleaned the food out of
your hair."
-- Helen, "The Shrink"
R: Well, it's a little last minute, but it's a party, and who am I to pass up
a Big Sandwich?
///
B: Brace yourself, guys. We're not having a Big Sandwich.
L: Excuse me, it almost sounded like you said there would be no Big Sandwich.
F: Oh, everyone loves the Big Sandwich.
R: A party without a Big Sandwich? It's...it's...it's...it's...it's... just
not done.
///
C: I got to get off this island!
-- Roy, Brian, Lowell, Fay & Casey, "Is That a Ten-Foot Sandwich or Are You
Just Happy to See Me?"
Other
-----
"You've been in the plane!"
-- Mrs. McCloskey, Town Psychic, "My Brother's Back--And There's Gonna Be
Trouble"
Group Leader: . . . before our time is up.
Brian: Why, how long do we have the room?
Group Leader: I wasn't talking about the room.
-- "The Taming of the Shrew"
"I'm going to go and find some little community that really needs my money.
Like Europe."
-- Mimsy Borogroves, "My Brother's Keeper"
Joe: Skip, isn't it?
Skip: Isn't it what?
-- "Crate Expectations"
Roy: Sylvia, if I walk out that door, I'm never coming back.
Sylvia: Thank you for understanding.
-- "The Late Mrs. Biggins"
"If my look is accusatory, it's strictly habit."
-- Lilith to Frasier, "Planes, Trains, and Visiting Cranes"
"Maybe it *was* Las Cruces!"
-- Carlton Blanchard, "Das Plane"
Coach: [to H] Well, in that case toots', toss in a bagel, and don't be stingy
with the cream cheese! [lights a cigarette]
Joe: Coach, you're still smoking?
Coach: Oh, I cut down to two packs a day. That lung I had removed scared the
hell out of me. But the important thing is the Ol' Noodle's still
working. [to H] Hey toots', toss in a bagel, and don't be stingy with
the cream cheese!
-- "Say It Ain't So, Joe"
Lenny: Do you suffer from dizzy spells?
Joe: No.
Lenny: Me neither. I find them relaxing.
-- "The Fortune Cookie"
"Empty!"
-- Carlton Blanchard, "The Houseguest"
"Congratulations, Joe. That was the worst flight of my life. And I was once
in a mid-air collision."
-- Davis, "Business or Pleasure"
Mark the Waiter: So, folks, what'll it be?
Davis: Well, what do you got?
Mark the Waiter: We only serve crab.
Davis: I see. So, what would you recommend?
Mark the Waiter: We only serve crab.
-- "Business or Pleasure"
". . . and my girlfriend's not a hooker. She's a massage therapist."
-- "Bob" the Detective, "The Faygitive"
Louis: Uncle Carlton!!
Carlton: You scared me half to death.
Louis: What was I thinking?!
-- Louis (heir to Carlton's estate) & Carlton, "Say Uncle Carlton"
"No."
-- Ray Charles, "A Decent Proposal"
Tuck: We decided we wanted a better quality of life. We had had enough of
the fast-paced big city.
Helen: Oh, where did you live?
Gwen: Fargo, North Dakota.
-- "Have I Got a Couple for You"
==============================================================================