Evan Marriott's Other Christmas Story

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Jacob W. Haller

Dec 26, 2003, 3:44:18 PM12/26/03
It was the day after Christmas, and Evan Marriott was bored. He had
already gone through all 79 endings to the Goofus & Gallant Choose Your
Own Adventure story his aunt had given him and had been disappointed to
discover that none of them involved a wood-chipper. And his other
present was a pair of underpants, but they didn't come with batteries
and all the stores were closed so he couldn't get any. What could he

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. It was Evan Marriott's wacky
next door neighbor, Alfred Einstein! "What is the matter, Evan?" asked
Einstein. "Oh, I need batteries, but the stores are all closed," Evan
replied despondently.

"Ah, I have just the thing!" said Einstein. "This morning I was
experimenting with a quantum flux inducerator, and the result is that we
can use it to go to another universe -- one where the stores are open
the day after Christmas!"

"Hurrah!" said Evan. "How does it work?"

"Well," said Einstein, "it works on the principal of the Mobius strip,
where -- oh, excuse me." At this point, Einstein removed a small flask
of Yttrium Sorbate #4, a chemical which conveniently interrupts
narratives, preventing the author from having to dream up toxic levels
of pseudo-scientific explanations.

"Wow, that was great!" said Evan. "Do you have any more?"

Einstein's eyes twinkled, a side effect of the shots of gold paint he
had done earlier. "What, do you want the story to be skipped over
entirely? No, I am afraid things are not quite so simple, my young
friend!" And he turned on the device.

In the blink of an eye, Evan Marriott and Alfred Einstein were
transported to another Universe that was completely identical to the one
we inhabit, except that Abraham Lincoln was a green alien from Alpha
Centauri with twelve legs and purple eyes and all stores were open on
December 26. "Hurrah!" said Evan Marriott.

However, when they tried to purchase the batteries for Evan's new
underpants using a five-dollar bill, the clerk noticed that the picture
on the front showed a lusty, bearded, human Lincoln and not a
twelve-legged alien eating a mealworm and called the authorities. Evan
and Einstein barely escaped in time!

In the next universe, Archimedes Plutonium controlled both the MPAA and
the RIAA, and Evan and Einstein had to lead a revolt by the nation's
oppressed youth to storm San Quentin and free Christina Aguilera and
James Cameron from bondage. Then everyone danced. (A movie was later
made about this called "Loose Feet Sink Ships", but it didn't do that

Unfortunately, no batteries were available in this universe due to the
existence of the Fusion Barrier Law proving that cold fusion is
impossible and that portland cement will be really expensive some day.
So they had to move on.

Finally, they came to a Universe in which the entire human population
had been wiped out by a super-virus. Fortunately, there were batteries
all over the place free for the taking!

Evan Marriott picked up a good selection and thanked Alfred Einstein,
who then returned them home. As Evan's newly-powered underpants hummed
away, Evan reflected that this had truly been the best day after
Christmas ever. Then everyone died from the dormant flu virus that Evan
and Einstein had inadvertantly vectored from the other Universe. Oh the
embarassment! But that was the next day, so it didn't count.


"I don't advocate responding to rudeness with rudeness, but inducing
fear is always a good option."
-- Paula on alt.religion.kibology, 30 November 2003

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