[Bar Rescue] Bar Rescue’s Track Record Of Suck

[Ubiquitous]

Tuesday, 18 Sep 2012 34 Comments

I really like shows like Gordon Ramsey�s Kitchen Nightmares and the
logically ripped off Bar Rescue, in the same way that I like shows like
Intervention. I like rooting for people in terrible situations to do
better. We�re all in terrible situations and we want to do better.

That isn�t totally true, I think what I really like the most is the
notion that the mechanisms of problems with anything is just missing,
secret information. Yes, it is the myth of secret information: Your life
is a mess, because of this one tiny thing, now that you know it, voila,
it�s fixed. Vis a vis, your restaurant or bar also.

Wanting to believe in this idea of magical information really means a
lot to me, so I watch these shows, but like most things that you know
damn well aren�t true, you doubt and look for contrary information to
disprove yourself. I watch every episode of Bar Rescue with my
smartphone in my hand, looking up the name of the new restaurant, then
the old restaurant (commonly they switch back to the old name), usually
looking to see that it has failed.

That the secret information that Jon Taffer imparts and his soulless,
generic approach to bar-building that by and large ignores local tastes
or lack of interest on the part of the owners for said theme (Your bar
now a Caribbean bar! Put on this Hawaiian shirt and say �Mon� instead of
�Man� moving forward!).

http://youtu.be/fUGKe2klsEU

Also it follows the same formula each time, which pretty much makes the
following assumptions:

�POS systems are necessary or every bar will screech off course into a
fiery ball of nonachievement
�Ibid, fancy drink machines
�Ibid, State of the art beer taps
�Ibid a new sign, designed using only the standard iconography available
in MS-Word Clipart
�Ibid, stupid Cocktails, designed by a Mixologist, which according to HL
Mencken�s 1948 work �The Vocabulary Of The Drinking Chamber� was
invented not by a bartender but by a hack journalist for the
Knickerbocker magazine in 1856, who wanted to refer to the profession
sportively and I think it remained on that level until about 2005, when
even the stupidest of shit became serious, somehow.
�Your bar needs a fancy bar top. I have never noticed the bar top of any
bar other than a quick check like:
1. Is there a bar top?
2.Is it wet/dirty?
3.Does it support this glass of liquid?
4.The End.

The Myth Of Secret Information
Ultimately, the Myth Of Secret Information keeps us all confident that
we will spend our late 30's making a ducal salary at consultant work in
our given field just before retirement. This myth begins to crumble
after watching a few episodes of Bar Rescue. Similar to Gordon
Ramsey�s show, Bar Rescue shows that secret, expert information is
highly fallible. In fact, I remember reading about some client
satisfaction survey for Deloitte and Tocuhe in some bullshit business
book you buy at the airport. The upshot was that weak entrepreneurs and
executives rely to heavily on consultants and are rarely satisfied with
the result of the secret information imparted upon them, though the
system is self-cleaning because you don�t want to be the one who wasted
all of the company�s money on that bullshit consultant, do you? No, so
you write a companywide memo about the experience and information
gathered, and you use words like useful, productive and invaluable. All
of which are words never used within the confines of any kind of
success.
This guy has launched a lot of successful bars, the show says. Taffer
thinks he�s being self-referential when he uses the term launched. Bars
are launched not opened, he says by using a Buzz and Marketing, he adds
quickly, lest any of these yokel bar owners were imagining their bar
shooting off of a giant catapult into some dry pasture full of cow shit.

Who Is Jon Taffypants?
Who is this Jon Taffer, besides seemingly missing an N somewhere in the
middle of his last name and talking with that East Coast affect that
sounds like he always has a Werther�s Original in his mouth?

Well his Wikipedia page offers few solid clues, and his Consultancy
company�s website, Taffer Dynamics, is similarly short on information
and tall on bullshit eBooks and �packages� that you can buy, which are
also shitty ebooks.

I�m quite sure the man is pedigreed, but where�s the solid proof? What
popular of famous bars does Jon Taffer own? Not sure, and even if he did
launch many, many famous bars and nightclubs, this doesn�t mean that he
can swoop into Cornfuck, Kansas and turn some shitty bar into Club 54.
(Pardon my dearth of knowledge on popular or world renown nightclubs, I
have none).

And besides, some people like shitty bars. I like shitty bars. My city
of Long Beach, California may as well be called Shitty Bar, California
(an interesting aside, there is a town called Diamond Bar, California
that has only shitty bars and no good ones).

And call me old fashioned, but I think that non-chain bars or
restaurants (pretty much the only goddamn thing people in their 30's do,
which is a real social problem) can�t really follow a formula. There are
too many inter-dependencies on the community, current competitors, and
the proprietors and workers of the bar themselves. I saw an episode
where Taffer tried to turn some Pirate bar into a placed called the
Corporate Bar & Grill.

Like I see how it�s sorta cheeky to business types, but it�s staffed by
owners and workers who like the pirate theme as much as Judge Reinhold�s
character did.

Do successful business types want a place that panders to them in a
cheeky way? Not really. Successful business people are cheap and want to
get hammered. If I were Taffer i�d walk into the Piratz bar and be like
�Ok make your happy hour from 4:30 to 8:00 PM and offer cheap watered
down drinks and tiny portions of seafood and tortured organica with
mango salsa and this train will make hay�, then i�d turn on a dime, walk
out the door and check my stopwatch: 45 Seconds. New record.

I haven�t written much Misanthropy lately and the truth of the matter is
I Googled �Bar Rescue Track Record� and found nothing so I decided i�d
do some research and put a full track record on my vanilla personal
blog, then I started getting pissed so I copied and pasted and put it
here when I really just wanted to go to sleep, go to work and go
drinking at some shitty bar tomorrow night. Look how good I am to you
assholes.



And so, here�s the Bar Rescue track record. Misanthropists, you won�t
find this very interesting, move along:



Bar Rescue Track Record
(In order of appearance on television)

Season 1
Fallen Angels
Bar Name: Angels Sports Bar
Location: Corona, California
New Name: Rack�s Billiards & Bourbon

RESULT: Seems to be doing about the same judging by Yelp reviews. This
looked like your typical OC/Inland Empire shithole full of lifted truck
assholes. Can�t blame Taffer for this but he should�ve turned it into
some kind of UFC Homoerotic dungeon or something.

0 for 1
Downey�s and Out
Bar Name: Downey�s
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
New Name: Name was kept
RESULT: Terrible Yelp Reviews. No changes in old vs. new reviews.

0/2
Shabby Abbey
Bar Name: Chicago Abbey Pub and Music Theatre
Location: Chicago, Illinois
New Name: Name was kept

RESULT: Shitty Yelp reviews complaining about the makeover.

0/3
Beach Bummer
Bar Name: Kilkenny�s Irish Pub
Location: Redondo Beach, California
New Name: Breakwall

RESULT: Closed. The two sisters from the episode that ran this place
were rather attractive, though I cannot credit Taffer or his show for
this.

0/4


Swanky Troubles
Bar Name: Swanky Bubbles
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
New Name: Sheer (changed back to old name)

RESULT: Closed, per Yelp.

0/5
The Blue Frog Sings The Blues
Bar Name: The Blue Frog 22
Location: Chicago, Illinois
New Name: The Local Chicago�s Best Burgers & Beer
Name-Post Bar Rescue: Blue Frog�s Local 22

RESULT: Name and theme reverted after the makeover, per Yelp.
0/6


Bad to the Bone
Bar Name: The Chicken Bone
Location: Framingham, Massachusetts
New Name: The Bone Chicken & Tunes (changed back to old name)

RESULT: Reverted to former name, many shitty reviews. A few reviewers
with no friends on Yelp said the makeover was great, FWIW.



0/7


Chumps
Bar Name: Champs Sports Pub
Location: Burbank, California
New Name: Name was kept

RESULT: Mixed reviews. Reviewers mention they don�t see the food/drinks
from the show.



0/8
Bar Fight
Bar Name: Canyon Inn Sports Bar & Grill
Location: Yorba Linda, California
New Name: Canyon Saloon Spirits & Steaks (changed back to old name)

RESULT: Very similar to the Angel�s bar above, this is a douchebag bar,
one yelp commenter said �Canyon Inn is where all the 909ers go so they
can say that they party in Orange County. The parking lot is filled with
Lifted F150s covered with Tapout and �I�d rather be in Glamis� stickers.
The clientel isnt much better. Spikey hair, flat bill hats and black
socks with DCs�added with the douche bag attitude commonly found in the
909 breed.� I�d say the makeover didn�t transform the Clientele the way
Taffer said it would.

0/9


Hogtied Ham�s
Bar Name: Angry Ham�s Garage
Location: Framingham, Massachusetts
New Name: Octane Bar and Grill (changed back to old name)

RESULT: Reverted back to old name and theme. Octane, wow what a creative
name.

0/10


Season 2


Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Dumb
Bar Name: Piratz Tavern
Location: Silver Spring, Maryland
New Name: Corporate Bar & Grill (changed back to old name and theme)

RESULT: Mentioned above, reverted back to previous name/theme. This was
really an embarrassment for Taffer IMO.
0 for 11




Tiki Curse
Bar Name: The Bamboo Beach Tiki Bar
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
New Name: Bamboo Beach Club & Tiki Bar

RESULT: Not that i�d call a 3 star yelp review average a success by a
world renowned bar operator and consultant, but the name has stuck and
despite the reviews that pretty much say it�s only decent because of the
location, they have stuck to some of the food and drink specials. This
is 1 for 12, and it�s a single. If Jon Taffer were a Single A baseball
player he�d be batting 0.083 and this texas leaguer over the Third
Baseman�s head might or might not save him from a Greyhound ticket back
to a life of alcoholism and methamphetamines in his shitty hometown,
ironically where there may be a bar that Jon Taffer has tried to rescue.


1 for 12




Murphy�s Law
Bar Name: J.A. Murphy�s Pub
Location: Fells Point, Baltimore
New Name: Murphy�s Law

RESULT: ClOSED. Now to be fair these bars may suffer from all kinds of
pre-existing conditions, but for a bar to close right after world
renowned expert Taffer comes in and makes it over is really an
embarrassment. I don�t know a thing about Baltimore but I do know that
if a decent bar opened in my area (similarly sized, I think) it would at
least last awhile on the hype if it had even a decent foundation that
has used the �science� that Taffer prides himself on.

1 for 13


Mystique or Murder?
Bar Name: Mystique Lounge
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
New Name: Aura Nightclub

RESULT: Closed. Remember how I was just comparing Taffer to a Single A
baseball player on the verge of being released? Taffer just hit into two
double plays.

1 for 14


Bottomless Pit
Bar Name: The Olive Pit
Location: Orange, California
New Name: The O.P. (modernized old name)

RESULT: Reverted back to old name, theme. Don�t serve food. Same place
before it was rescued.

1 for 15


Broke Black Sheep
Bar Name: Black Sheep
Location: Cheviot, Ohio
New Name: The Public House

RESULT: Kept the great new name, 3 Yelp Reviews (what a launch!), 2
stars.
1 for 16


Weber�s of Lies
Bar Name: Weber�s Place
Location: Reseda, California
New Name: Weber�s Rum Bar and Grill (modernized old name)

RESULT: I watched this episode last night and since it�s near where I
live considered giving it a look since I like Tiki Bars (think the Tiki
Ti in east hollywood). The reviews look awful, everyone lamenting that
the place had character before.

1 for 17


Owner Ousted
Bar Name: Win, Place or Show Sports Bar & Grill
Location: Fairfield, Ohio
New Name: America Live Bar & BBQ

RESULT: CLOSED. Also watched this one last night. In fairness the logo
looked kind of cool in a generic way, borrowed heavily from Live Aid or
those types of concerts, but i�ve been to shitty towns in Ohio and
figured if I lived in that area i�d probably go to this bar for music
sometimes. Taffer did OK with this one, although I have no idea about
what other bars are in the area. (Ok just checked, looks like mostly
dive bars. Duh, make a cool dive bar. Well it looks like he sorta tried
to but in a very Rainforest Cafe, Hard Rock type way..). In looking at
some news story that says the owners were way behind on their rent and
the owner locked the place up, Two things, if the place was popping the
owner would probably wait for the rent money to come, or the owner might
be a shithead who figured he could kick them out for non-payment and
rent it for more to someone else and keep all the nice shit that Bar
Rescue did to it. I�ll give this one to him because property owners can
ruin great places and it�s not definitive what ruined this place,
although the camera angles on this episode were obviously deceptive to
make it look like there was over 100 people in the place on the
�launch�, though it looked like about 40.

2 for 18


������������������

2 for 18 is a .111 batting average. This is about what a pitcher in
major league baseball (who usually is forced to sacrifice bunt) bats
when they are a really poor hitter.

To put it into business terms, let�s say that you opened 18 businesses
at the cost of $200,000 each. You would need these two (which are not
huge successes, as noted) to earn $3.6 Million in profit just to break
even on your bad investments.

You have a probability of about 18% in coming out ahead at playing 20
hands of Blackjack, a game that is designed for the player to lose.
With Bar Rescue�s percentage of 11% success (based on my very liberal
standards of not closing or being a disaster) you�d be almost twice as
likely to win money at a Las Vegas casino than you would investing your
money in a bar that has been rescued by the Spike TV show.

Sadly for us, there is no secret information, there is no magic beans.
We will most likely not have posh pre-retirement careers as consultants.
Success is in work, not in magic. It doesn�t upset me that this reality
show is not what it purports to be, more so that it�s just so much not
what it purports to be. None of the bars are rescued, and Jon Taffer
doesn�t make money with bars, but rather with selling bar owners magic
beans.

In HL Mencken�s work referenced earlier, which I just happened to be
reading around the same time, he he closes with a last grab at
understanding the etymology of words created in barrooms, which like Bar
Rescue�s efforts fails, so does he:



�Most of the authorities say that it arose from the fact that the
bartenders of the 1890's called a glass a ball and that highball flowed
naturally from the fact that what was formerly a whiskey-and-soda needed
a taller glass than a straight whiskey. But all the bartenders above 80
that I am acquainted with say that ball was never used for a glass.
Other authorities report that highball was lifted from railroad men, who
use the term for go ahead. But this sounds pretty thin, for if the
railroad men of that era ever detected a bartender putting water (and
especially soda water) into whiskey they would have butchered him on the
spot. Highball is listed in nearly all the dictionaries published since
1930, but not one of them attempts its etymology. Nor does any of them
try to unravel the mystery of cocktail. �


Edit: if you�ve been on Bar Rescue or been to a bar on Bar Rescue give
me some inside info below in the comments. thank you please.

--
"Re-electing Obama is like backing The Titanic up and hitting the
iceberg a second time."

[Ubiquitous]

OurOwnRon...@earthlinc.net wrote:

>I flicked past this show once...the guy's RIDICULOUS bulging eyes make
>it impossible for me to watch. What a cartoon character.

I can only imagine your reaction to Nancy Pelosi!

[Remysun]

Not one of the comments agreed with the opinion of the author,
dissecting the flimsy argument presented, from someone who pointed out
Aura still being open to the fact that these were all businesses that
were failing in the first place. Some didn't like the front that Jon
Taffer displayed, but of course it's intentionally played up for
television. And the fact that the author didn't mention clean the
fucking place up shows his own myopia, which is all anyone can see
because the guy has no qualifications of his own.

He also dismisses the POS systems that are installed without knowing
what POS helps, which is inventory control. It's Wal-Mart's big
secret, and it's just common sense that a bar can't be pouring heavy
or be running out of stuff all the time. You want a successful
business? Don't fall into debt in the first place.

[Hass]

On Feb 22, 3:09 am, Ronnie Bateman <OurOwnRonnieBate...@earthlinc.net>
wrote:

> Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
> > >I flicked past this show once...the guy's RIDICULOUS bulging eyes make
> > >it impossible for me to watch. What a cartoon character.
>
> > I can only imagine your reaction to Nancy Pelosi!
>

> Another strained attempt to steer the issue back to the off-topic
> political grinding you pretend to resent.
>
> That "Bar Rescue" guy is like an over-the-top Fred Armisen character.
> Ridiculous.

Best part is Ubi will now consider this a "debate" win....