"Bottom": British Comedy FAQ
Melinda 'Bob' Casino
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 1994/10/10
Version: 2.4
=====================================================
THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST
=====================================================
Compiled and maintained by Version 2.4
Melinda 'Bob' Casino <bcdi...@ix.netcom.com>
A three-part FAQ on the British comedy t.v. program, "Bottom."
This FAQ has recently been expanded on the WWW to include photos of Rik
and Ade, and the video boxes. You can find them at:
http://cathouse.org:8000/BritishComedy/Bottom/Pictures/
Many thanks to James Kew for accomplishing this.
I have marked new and revised text by putting a "|" in the left-hand
margin.
This FAQ has been compiled entirely without the consent of Rik Mayall,
Adrian Edmondson, or anyone or anything connected with the show BOTTOM.
Opinions expressed are solely my own, except when noted.
This FAQ is FREE, and should not be used by anyone for monetary gain.
Include credits in all reproductions of this FAQ.
_________________
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART 1:
1. WHAT IS BOTTOM?
1.1 General Description
1.2 How many episodes were made?
1.3 Who's in the cast?
1.4 When did it run?
| 1.5 Where can I see/buy it?
2. A LITTLE HISTORY...
2.1 Bottom, the Stage Show
2.2 Rik Mayall Biography
2.3 Adrian Edmondson Biography
2.4 The Comic Strip Presents
2.5 Private Life?
3. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
3.1 What is Emmerdale Farm?
3.2 Who is Sue Carpenter?
3.3 Who is Felicity Kendal?
3.4 Is Eddie Hitler really related to Adolf Hitler?
| 4. TRIVIA AND NEWS
4.1 Season 3 Gets Underway
4.2 General Trivia
4.3 The Red Dwarf Connection
| 4.4 The cast--did you know...?
4.5 Dictionary for Americans
4.6 Setting of the show
5. SCRIPTS
5.1 WWW Site
5.2 FTP Sites
5.3 The Books
5.4 RE: S Out
PART 2:
6. THE EPISODES: SYNOPSI AND QUOTES
| 7. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PART 3:
FULL TRANSCRIPT OF "'S OUT"
____________________
1. WHAT IS "BOTTOM"?
_______________________
1.1 General Description
"Bottom" is a half-hour British comedy program staring Adrian Edmondson (as
Eddie Hitler) and Rik Mayall (as Richard Richard). It's also written by
Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall. It's centered on the lives of two
down-and-out ne'er-do-wells who are on the dole. In other words, two people
who are at the bottom of the social scale, financially, socially, and
otherwise.
Bottom primarily depends on, but is not limited to, slap-stick humor. The
violence is of the "Tom-and-Jerry" variety, with little or no consequences
in terms of harm to the characters. Most of the violence doesn't have much
of an effect on the character's well-being, but if there are any
consequences, they are greatly exaggerated for comic effect. The sound
effects are also exaggerated, and add to the "cartoonish" style of the
show.
Surprisingly, one can relate to alot of the scenarios its one-diminsional
characters go through. For instance, Eddie and Richie are 1) poor, 2)
socially inept, 3) drifting along with no job prospects, 4) bachelors who
will probably never have a long-term (or short-term) intimate relationship.
Who has not experienced at least one of these at some point in their lives?
I myself qualify for three...but watching Bottom somehow always cheers me
up. :)
Most of the scenes take place in their filthy low-rent apartment. The
kitchen is completely foul. Kitsch articles (like a framed picture of Elvis
Presley) adorn the apartment. Occasionally, the plot will take the
characters outside their flat, into the English "country," for instance, to
the local pub, or to a pawn-broker's.
________________________________
1.2 How many episodes were made?
There are 2 seasons of 6 episodes each. The names and order of the episodes
are as follows:
______________
Smells |
Gas |
Contest ----> 1st Season
Apocalypse |
'S Up |
Accident ____________|
______________
Digger |
Culture |
Burglary |
Parade ----> 2nd Season
Holy |
'S Out ______________|
Jon Morris <jdm...@soton.ac.uk> informs me:
"...'s Out' has never been shown on British TV. It has, however, been
released on video, as have all the other episodes...At the time (it was
about November) there was some murder or attack on Wimbledon Common. This
episode was set on the same heath so the BBC thought it would be in bad
taste to show it. However, they didn't show it when they repeated the
second season either."
On the back of a poster for the Bottom Live! stageshow, a full transcript
is written with the acknowledgement that the murder, which took place the
week before the scheduled transmission, was indeed why 'S Out was never
broadcast.
______________________
1.3 Who's in the cast?
Although Bottom focuses primarily on two great mates in their apartment, the
plots bring Richie and Eddie into contact with other characters. The list
below is not comprehensive, but covers most of the cast:
CHARACTER PERFORMER
--------- ---------
Richard Richard..........................Rik Mayall
Edward Hitler............................Adrian Edmondson
Sex Shop Assistant.......................Kevin McNaly
Landlord (pub)...........................Lee Cornes
Kate.....................................Cindy Shelley
Jenny....................................Carla Mendonca
Mr. Harrison.............................Roger Sloman
Gasman...................................Mark Lambert
Mr. Rottweiler...........................Brian Glover
Spudgun..................................Steven O'Donnell
Dave Hedgehog............................Christopher Ryan
Shooting Gallery Stallholder.............Mark Arden
Brenda the Ballgazer.....................Liz Smith
Nurse; Lady Natasha Laticia*.............Helen Lederer
Falklands veteran........................Robert Llewellyn
Pawn Shop Owner..........................Brian Croucher
Veronica Head (barmaid)..................Julia Sawalha
*Sara Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe
Oblomov Rablomov Dob, 3rd Viscomptress of Moldavia
(The distinctive music to the show is by The Bum Notes.)
____________________
1.4 When did it run?
The original transmission dates are as follows:
Series 1 - 1991 Season 2 - 1992
--------------- ---------------
1. Smells..........Tues. Sept. 17 7. Digger..........Thurs. Oct. 1
2. Gas.............Tues. Sept. 24 8. Culture.........Thurs. Oct. 8
3. Contest.........Tues. Oct. 1 9. Burglary........Thurs. Oct. 15
4. Apocalypse......Tues. Oct. 8 10. Parade..........Thurs. Oct. 22
5. 'S Up...........Tues. Oct. 15 11. Holy............Thurs. Oct. 29
6. Accident........Tues. Oct. 29 12. 'S Out..........(not transmitted)
___________________________
| 1.5 Where can I see/buy it?
Bottom has just been released as a boxed set in the U.K.; the following
video sources may not have Bottom; but if you call and ask, they may be
inclined to start buying it for their customers. Join the U.S. Bottom
Campaign (tee hee) by calling and demanding your right to see Bottom!
In the U.S.:
Laughinghouse Video
Telephone 714-956-9032 or write P.O. Box 8572, Anaheim, CA
92812-0572. Ask for their "British Video Guide." Have a credit
card ready to charge $5.00 for the video catalogue, or be
prepared to mail them a check. You'll receive a $5.00 coupon
good towards your first order.
Signals
Telephone toll-free, any time, 1-800-669-9696, or write
Signals, WGBH Educational Foundation, P.O. Box 64428, St. Paul,
MN 55164-0428. They accept major credit cards over the phone
and take checks with mailed orders. They have a few different
catalogues; request the video catalogue.
The Video Catalog
Telephone toll-free any time 1-800-733-2232 or write P.O. Box
64267 St. Paul, MN 55164-0267. They also offer a custom order
service, "Video Trackers". Call 1-800-71VIDEO (1-800-718-4336),
toll-free between 7am and midnight (Central Time); if the title
you want is currently available, they'll find it for you.
BFS
Telephone toll-free 1-800-268-3891. I'm told they have a decent
selection of British videos; ask for their catalogue.
BBC's Lionheart Productions
Phone is not toll-free 212-373-4100. Request their catalogue.
The chap I spoke with on the phone told me that they have a
limited number of videos available; they lie. They have lots.
| In Australia:
|
| Bottom was recently aired for the first time in Australia. All 4 volumes
| are now available from Polygram Video.
No matter where you live, you can always contact the BBC directly:
The BBC Shop Phone: 091-222-0381
P.O. Box 1QX
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne NE99 1QX
ENGLAND
_______________________
2.0 A LITTLE HISTORY...
_________________
2.1 Press Release
The following is a press release for the stage show.
Press release for BOTTOM - the Stage show
=========================================
RIK MAYALL and ADRIAN EDMONDSON star in a full stage play based on the award
winning BBC2 TV series. With their own inimitable wit, style and sense of
the ridiculous they transport you to the explosively insane world of two of
society's most catastrophic no-hopers...
RICHIE and EDDIE are two of life's losers; two pimples on life's bottom.
Surviving on a diet of vitriol, mutually inflicted wounds and pornographic
magazines, they belch, curse and smash their way through the boredom of
life. The effects are disastrous!
EDDIE
=====
He's the sort of person you cross the road to avoid. He likes life's simple
pleasures: a visit to the bookies, cheating Richie out of anything he can
(including the rent) and then breaking his legs on his birthday. If there's
any way he can score, whether it s money, girls or an advantage over
Richie, he'll do it.
RICHIE
======
He seems nice, well in a smarmy, oozing and oily-tongued way that you
realize isn't really nice at all. His problem is sex: he thinks the "Karma
Sutra" is an Indian restaurant. Sex is something which happens to other
people and they won't even let him watch.
Tickets cost 8.50-13.50/Promoted by Phil Mclntyre Promotions.
(NOTE: Bottom, the Stage Show, was filmed at Southampton Mayflower Theatre
in 1993)
~ END OF PRESS RELEASE ~
________________________
2.2 Rik Mayall Biography
NOTE: This is a SELECTION--the FULL biography can be found at:
ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/public/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/
ftp://cathouse.org/
Adam Davies <b...@moonshadow.apana.org.au> gave me the following information:
-Born: March 7, 1958
-Father ran the drama department in a teacher training college
-Went to King's School in Worcester, starting at 9 years old instead of 11
-Went to Manchester University at 17, left at 20 with a 2-2 degree in drama.
Rik went to Manchester University where he read Drama. Whilst there he
formed a Theatre Company called 20th Century Coyote which he later took to
the Edinburgh Festival with great critical success and subsequently to the
Comedy Store in Soho. On leaving university, he played Dromio of Syracuse
in the Oxford and Cambridge Shakespeare Company production of COMEDY OF
ERRORS which toured America for 3 months.
Television credits include:
===========================
A Kick Up the Eighties - 'Kevin Turvey' skits (BBC)
Comic Strip Presents - (Channel 4)
The Young Ones - as Rick (BBC); co-wrote.
Filthy, Rich and Catflap - w/Adrian Edmondson and Nigel Planer (BBC)
George's Marvellous Medicine - for Jackanory, children's show (BBC)
Saturday Night Live - 'The Dangerous Brothers' skits (LWT/CH4)
Grimm Tales - Series 1 & 2, Grimms Fairy Tales (Initial/Central TV)
Blackadder I - cameo in last episode (BBC)
Blackadder II; IV - 'Flasheart' character (BBC)
Bottom - (Noel Gay TV for BBC)
The New Statesman - as 'Alan B'stard' (Yorkshire TV)
Rik Mayall Presents - (3 1-hour plays) "Micky Love," "Briefest Encounter,"
"Dancing Queen." (Granada/ITV 1993)
Film includes:
==============
The Eye of the Needle (supporting role)
Shock Treatment (minor character)
An American Werewolf in London (bit part)
Couples and Robbers (short film)
Whoops Apocalypse! (1986; cameo)
Little Noises
Drop Dead Fred (title character)
Horse Opera
Carry On Columbus
Theatre includes:
=================
Man Equals Man
The Government Inspector
The Common Pursuite
Waiting for Godot (with Adrian Edmondson)
Bottom, the Stage Show - filmed at Southampton Mayflower Theatre April,
1993, and toured countrywide
Live
====
Comic Strip (UK) 1982
Kevin Turvey and the Bastard Squad (UK) 1983
Rik Mayall and Ben Elton (UK) 1984, 85; (Ibitha) 1985; (Australia) 1986;
(UK) June 1992
Rik Mayall and Andy De La Tour (UK) 1989; 1990
______________________________
2.3 Adrian Edmondson Biography
NOTE: This is a SELECTION--the FULL biography can be found at:
ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/public/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/
ftp://cathouse.org/
Adam Davies also was kind enough to furnish the following:
-Born: January 24, 1957
-Father taught abroad for the Forces
-Lived abroad until age 12, then went to a British boarding school
-Attended Manchester University in the same year as Rik Mayall, got a 2-1
degree in drama
Adrian Edmondson trained in studio drama at Manchester Univeristy, where he
met Rik Mayall and formed the partnership that was to become Twentieth
Century Coyote. In 1977 he took a one-man show to the National Student
Drama Festival, and Twentieth Century Coyote appeared at the Edinburgh
Festival to great critical acclaim and media interest; the show was
recorded for Radio 4.
After Edinburgh came a period of touring with various two-man shows
throughout Britain, until Adrian joined the number of talented artists then
appearing at London's comedy Store. Throughout 1970 and 1980, Adrian made
numberous appearances on the growing comedy circuit before going on to
co-found The Comic Strip at the Boulevard Theatre in late 1980.
After their hugely successful premiere at the Boulevard, The Comic Strip
made an album and a short film in the summer of 1981 and set out on a
national tour in September. In 1982 they toured Australia, including a
two-week season at the Adelaide Festival of the Arts.
Adrian co-starred with Alison Steadman in News Hounds, directed by Les
Blair for Working Title and BBC TV. This won the British Academy of Film
and Television Arts Award for Best Single Television Drama of 1990. Later
that year, Adrian starred as Brad in Robin Lefevre's West End revival of
the cult movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Piccadilly Theatre.
Adrian wrote Consuela and Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door (the latter with Rik
Mayall and Rowland Rivron), both of which were directed by Stephen Frears.
He has also directed several successful pop videos including a
controversial "Prime Mover" for Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction;
"Hourglass" "Trust Me to Open My Mouth" and "853-5937" for Squeeze; The
Pogue's "Fiesta"; and 10,000 Maniac's "Like the Weather."
Television credits include:
===========================
The Young Ones (BBC)
Saturday Night Live - 'The Dangerous Brothers' skits (LWT/CH4)
The Comic Strip Presents (Channel 4)
The Lenny Henry Show
Blackadder Goes Forth -- as Baron Von Richtoven (1989)
Happy Families -- leading role (BBC)
Filthy, Rich and Catflap -- w/Rik Mayall and Nigel Planer (BBC)
Hardwicke House (1985)
Snakes and Ladders (6-part series) 1989 (Yorkshire TV)
News Hounds (1990)
Absolutely Fabulous -- apppeared in
Bottom - (Noel Gay TV for BBC)
If You See God, Tell Him (4-part series)
Film includes:
==============
Supergrass (A Comic Strip film)--title role
Bad News -- wrote and directed
More Bad News -- wrote and directed
Private Enterprise -- wrote and directed
Dirty Movie -- wrote and starred in
Mr. Jolly Lives Next Door -- (A Comic Strip film) written by Rik, Adrian,
and Rowland Rivron
Theatre includes:
================
Honest, Decent and True -- leading role (1985)
Waiting for Godot -- West End production (1991)
Bottom, the Stage Show -- filmed at Southampton Mayflower Theatre April,
1993, and toured countrywide
____________________________
2.4 The Comic Strip Presents
The Comic Strip gets its name from a revue of the same name. It ran from
October 1980 to July 1981 and starred the regulars that appear in the TV
Comic Strip films: Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Miranda Richardson,
Nigel Planer, Rik Mayall, Adrian Edmondson, and Alexei Sayle.
There is a newly revamped episode guide compiled by Michael Shephard
<mich...@jake.chem.unsw.EDU.AU>. It can be obtained via ftp:
ftp://src.doc.ic.ac.uk
dir:/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/
_________________
2.5 Private Life?
I have it on good authority that that's strictly private. However, it seems
this FAQ wouldn't be complete if it wasn't mentioned that Adrian Edmondson
is married to comedian/writer Jennifer Saunders, who was also in the Comic
Strip ensemble, is 1/2 of the 'French and Saunders' comedy team, co-stars
and writes the t.v. show 'Absolutely Fabulous,' and probably deserves an
FAQ herself!
Rik Mayall was once involved with Lise Meyer around the time of 'The Young
Ones.' Meyer wrote the show with Rik and Ben Elton, and is a force on the
comedy scene in England in her own right.
Michelle T. Street <mtst...@firefly.prairienet.org> tells me:
"If I remember correctly...Rik's wife is named Barbara - both she and Lise
Mayer were pregnant with Rik's child at the same time! Lise ended up
miscarrying and Rik now has two or three kids...Lise...has had affairs with
Rowan Atkinson, Hugh Laurie, and a slew of other comics."
_____________________________
3. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
___________________________
3.1 What is Emmerdale Farm?
"MAD Mosher" <I.R.P...@bradford.ac.uk> described this Brit TV show to me:
"'Emmerdale Farm" is a weekday soap opera about life in the Yorkshire
Moors. Its based around the aforementioned farm, some village, and a pub
called the Woolpack. Typical UK cr*p, to be honest...I think that's why
it's parodied in 'Bottom'!"
Jerry Kohl <p...@u.washington.edu> writes:
"Known since 1990 simply as 'Emmerdale.' It's a twice-a-week evening soap,
generally ranking third among soaps in the UK, after 'Coronation Street'
and 'East Enders.' Whether it's 'typical UK cr*p' or not is a matter of
opinion..."
_________________________
3.2 Who is Sue Carpenter?
James Kew <j....@ic.ac.uk> comments "She's a rather second-rate newsreader;
the joke is that R & E are infatuated by these kind of 'fantasy' characters
because...they're too sad to meet women in real life."
Thanks James. I can't relate to that _at all_. :D
___________________________
3.3 Who is Felicity Kendal?
Jerry Kohl <p...@u.washington.edu> writes "She's well known for her stage
work, but has done a fair amount of television as well...(The Good Life) is
generally regarded as one of the three or four all-time best comedies ever
made for British TV. Kendal and Briers played Barbara and Tom Good (hence
the title), who decide to drop out of the rat-race and try self-sufficiency
farming in the London suburb of Surbiton."
James Kew adds: "Felicity had (and still has) a sort of 'thinking-man's
crumpet' appeal."
Adrian Myers <adr...@isltd.insignia.com> notes: "To help understand Ms.
Kendal's significance to Bottom, it's worth noting that [she] was once
well-renowned for her sexy posterior. So much so, that she is a former
winner of the Jeans Industry's Rear Of the Year award."
There is in fact an FAQ on "The Good Life," maintained by Tony Velasquez,
posted regularly on rec.arts.tv.uk.
NOTE: "The Good Life" is known in the U.S. as "Good Neighbors."
___________________________________________________
3.4 Is Eddie Hitler really related to Adolf Hitler?
No. Eddie is asked in two separate episodes if he's "any relation". The
episodes are "'S UP" and "Digger." Eddie takes this to mean, "Do you have
any relations?", but what the characters are asking is "Are you related to
Adolf Hitler?" They're trying to joke with him, and it goes right over his
head.
__________________
4. TRIVIA AND NEWS
__________________________
4.1 Series 3 Gets Underway
David Owen <d...@dsbc.icl.co.uk> informs me that the third series of Bottom
is currently in production. He notes, "Tickets have been available for the
studio recordings from the BBC ticket unit for about 2 months now. I
believe several of the shows are in the can already." He spoke to a BBC
employee who confirmed that series three was indeed in production.
__________________
4.2 General Trivia
Eddie Monsoon seems to be a name Adrian Edmondson and wife like: Jennifer
Saunders named her character in Absolutely Fabulous "Edwina Monsoon," but
she is constantly called "Eddie" in the series. Additionally, Adrian
used this name in the movie: "Eddie Monsoon - A Life".
Jan Staff makes the observation: "When Eddie goes back to sleep after the
visit from 'Santa Claus' (Richie), he imitates the Edward Munch painting
'The Scream'." There have been alot of strong reactions to this assertion
by Bottom fans: some agree, others disagree vehemently. You make the call.
Also in "Holy", Eddie decorates the flat by spraying "QPR" (see dictionary)
in white snow-flocky stuff on the wall; he also sprays "edIe Is grate".
____________________________
4.3 The Red Dwarf Connection
Robert Llewellyn, who plays "Kryten" on the cult sci-fi comedy show Red
Dwarf, had a cameo in 'Parade' as a one-legged Falklands war veteran.
Peter Wragg handled the special effects on both Bottom and Red Dwarf.
Does the landlord in the pub look familiar to you? He's Lee Cornes,
probably better known as Dave Lister's Paranoia in "Red Dwarf".
The actor at the end of "Accident" who gets his arm pinched at the "birthday
party" by Richie is Mark Williams. He was also in Red Dwarf as "Olaf
Peterson" (series 1, episodes 1 and 3, and series 2, episode 4). (He's also
been in Alexei Sayle's STUFF.)
Interestingly, Ed Bye directed all of the episodes of Bottom. Red Dwarf
fans know him for his direction of the first three seasons of that show.
(Trivia not related to Bottom: "Rocket" was the cameraman for both The
Young Ones and Red Dwarf.)
______________________________
| 4.4 The cast--did you know...?
Helen Lederer ("Natasha" in "Digger") has also appeared in Absolutely
Fabulous and The Young Ones.
Christopher Ryan (who plays "Dave Hedgehog") also was cast in The Young
Ones as Mike some ten years earlier.
Steven O'Donnell ("Spudgun") has been in the BBC drama "Casualty".
Brian Glover ("Mr. Rottweiler") is an accomplished actor who has been in
many films; notably, he had a small but important part in "Kafka," starring
Jeremy Irons.
Lee Cornes has also been seen in a bit part in The Young Ones. Can anyone
tell me what else he's been in?
Julia Sawalha (the bar-maid in "Parade") is also in the cast of "Absolutely
Fabulous." She plays Saffron Monsoon, Edina's (Jennifer Saunders)
daughter. She is currently filming "Pride and Prejudice" in England.
______________________________
4.5 A Dictionary for Americans
A dictionary of UK slang and public figures for Americans.
This section was recently expanded to include slang and expressions that
weren't used in Bottom, in order to meet the demand on the internet for
this information.
For a more exhaustive dictionary, see Jeremy Smith's "British English
Dictionary, A to Zed" at:
ftp://ftp.csos.orst.edu/networking/bigfun/usuk_dictionary.txt
BBC = the British Broadcasting Corporation
Beeb = affectionate name for the BBC
bird = slang for woman
Birmingham Six, The = were wrongly convicted of an IRA bombing, sentenced
to umpteen years in jail, but were recently released after an
investigation ("Burglary")
biro = ball-point pen ("Smells", "Culture")
bog = toilet
bog-roll = toilet roll
bugger = general insult ("You Bugger!"); some believe a derivation of
sodomy with animals
bugger off = go away
Carpenter, Sue = British newscaster (see sect. 3.2)
chat-up lines = pick-up lines ("Digger")
cracking = great ("What a cracking bird!")
dole = welfare ("I'm on the dole.")
dosh = money
football = soccer (very big in England, like baseball in the U.S.)
Floyd, Keith = celebrity in UK; has a cooking show. Keith's most noticeable
characteristics are his exhuberance, and the fact that he always has a wine
bottle in his hand. ("Holy")
jumper = sweater ("Smells")
Kendal, Felicity = an actress famous for starring in 'The Good Life', a very
popular 70's BBC sitcom. Her bottom is held in very high regard by some
British males. (see sect. 3.3)
kip = sleep ("I could do with a kip" or "He's kipping on the sofa.")
knackered = tired or broken
knob = penis (see also nob) ("Accident", "Holy")
Late Show, The = title of a late-night "intellectual" show on BBC2
Marmite = brand name for a thick black yeast spread used on toast, or in
sandwiches. Widely used in the U.K.
nicked = stolen ("Smells")
nob = short for "nobility" (see also knob) ("Holy")
on the pull = looking for sex; seeking a 'one-night-stand' (notably, also
used in Red Dwarf, "Kryten" [Season 2])
pants = underwear ("Smells")
Polo (s) = round, white, minty candies. ("Digger")
QPR = Queen's Park Rangers, a London soccer team (sprayed on wall in
"Holy")
quid = pound (monetary unit in England); 500 quid = 500 pounds ("Accident")
Rantzen, Esther = she presented a show called "That's Life" on BBC1, that's
been on the air for 20 years; her teeth are very prominent ("Culture")
Ross, Jonathan = TV presenter who does/did a similar show to David
Letterman's. Has a famous speech impediment: he pronounces his R's as W's.
sad = usually means pathetic; recently it has come to mean the same as
"crap" ("That was well sad.")
Scott, Selina = newscaster/presenter/celebrity ("Burglary")
shag = sexual intercourse (used in many episodes)
Sketchley's = a chain of high-street dry cleaners ("S'Out")
slap-up = four-star, excellent
snog = deep-mouth kissing
swizz = rip-off ("'S Up")
ta = informal thank you ("Gas")
telly = television
Tizer = a bright orange fruity-flavoured fizzy drink, mostly drunk by kids ("Digger")
torch = flashlight ("'S Up")
tot = nonsense (considered to be old-fashioned slang)
whinging = whining, to complain in an annoying manner
wank, wanker = masturbation, one who masturbates; also used as a more general insult
Z (Pronounced ZED) = Z (Pronounced Zee)
_______________________
4.6 Setting of the show
The setting is Hammersmith, which, according to James Kew is "...not one of
the more upmarket areas of London; quite alright though. The scene in the
opening titles is Hammersmith Broadway, which was a construction site at
the time of filming; it's since been redeveloped."
__________
5. SCRIPTS
____________
5.1 WWW Site
All twelve scripts (as well as this FAQ, video and book information, and
"Bottom Live") can be found on the World Wide Web at the cathouse.org
British Comedy Pages. The URL:
http://cathouse.org:8000/BritishComedy/Bottom/
To jump directly to the pictures:
http://cathouse.org:8000/BritishComedy/Bottom/Pictures/
_____________
5.2 FTP Sites
Scripts of the first two series (as well as "Bottom Live") are available at
these sites, as well as this FAQ. The sites are:
ftp://ftp.doc.ic.ac.uk/media/tv/collections/tardis/uk/comedy/Bottom/scripts
ftp://cathouse.org/pub/cathouse/television/bottom/
_____________
| 5.3 The Books
There are two books out in Britain of the scripts for Bottom.
1) SEASON 1: "Bottom: The Scripts" (BBC Books)
Hardback: ISBN 0-536-36484-X, UK #8.99.
Paperback: ISBN 0-14-023497-7, UK #4.99, Australia $12.95.
2) SEASON 2: "More Bottom: The Scripts" (BBC Books)
Hardback: ISBN 0-563-37032-7, #8.99. No paperback available yet.
______________
5.4 RE: 'S Out
For a transcript of the last episode of Bottom ('S Out), which has never
aired in Britain, see Part 3 of this FAQ.
===============================================
END OF PART 1 of BOTTOM FAQ
===============================================
Melinda 'Bob' Casino
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 1994/10/10
Version: 2.4
Part 2
=====================================================
THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST
=====================================================
Compiled and maintained by Version 2.4
Melinda 'Bob' Casino <bcdi...@ix.netcom.com>
This FAQ can also be found at the cathouse.org British Comedy Pages. The URL:
http://cathouse.org:8000/BritishComedy/
______________________
6. SYNOPSIS AND QUOTES
You are ENCOURAGED to e-mail me if your favorite quote is missing!
SMELLS
======
Richie's just so lonely and depressed...obviously the solution is
"pheremone," a can of aerosol sex spray that will attract any female,
especially the four-footed kind. Establishes the characters and violent
humor for the series.
"I just don't understand it. I made all the right moves. I winked, I
smiled--one of my nice ones, as well--I sat down very nicely, leaned
forward, put on my special eyes, and said, 'Hello big tits, looking for
some action?'" -- Richie
"Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady." -- Eddie
"What on earth are you eating?" (Richie)
"Lard." (Eddie)
"You are eating--lard." (R)
"Yeah, well I'm hungry but I'm too drunk to cook." -- Eddie
"Who needs girls when you've got your mates!" -- Richie
"Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea!" (Eddie)
"Oh great!" (Richie) Eddie drinks a pint.
"Well?" (R)
"Well what?" (E)
"Well, what was the great idea?" (R)
"To drink that." -- Eddie
"Ditcha hear what I said? I said, 'Sad Old Git' section." Eddie
"Yes, please--I've only got so many ribs, Noel Coward." -- Richie
"Musky fox...musky sly old foxy stoat...minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty
stoat." -- Richie
"Nil desperandum!" -- Richie
"This is a sex shop, isn't it?" (Eddie)
"Yes." (Sex shop attendant)
"I'll have five quid's worth then." (E)
"Very droll, sir. I've never heard that one before." (SSA)
"Oh, shall I tell it again?" (E)
"No thank you, sir, I'd rather have a pineapple violently inserted into my
rectum." (SSA)
"You've been working here too long, mate." -- Eddie
"Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we used to have?" (Richie)
"We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round with that sherry." (E)
"Oh, yeah. Great days they were, great days." -- Richie
"Okey-dokey then. Cheese-and-onion flavor Union Jack tickler it is! Bagsy me
first go with it." (Richie)
"No, no, no. Get _two_." (Eddie)
"Get two?" (R)
"Yeah." (E)
"Wild man!" -- Richie
GAS
===
Eddie and Richie find that do-it-yourself utility repair proves to have dire
consequences.
(loudly) "Hello Mr. Gasman!" (Richie)
"Er, yes, hello again. I wonder if I could just read your me--" (Gasman)
"Mr. who?" (Eddie)
(shouting) "GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!" (R)
"Do you have someone who looks after you? Could I see them, because I need
to read your meter!" -- Gasman
"Calm down, you hysterical girl's blouse!" (Eddie)
"I was trying to burn it off." (Eddie)
"What? Your face?" -- Richie
CONTEST
=======
This time, the power struggle between Eddie and Richie manifests itself in a
war over what to watch on the telly: "The Miss World Beauty Contest" or...a
documentary on cars?
"And I don't know why I do it, but I've managed to put together a slap-up
grill for two for no money at all. All the ingredients in tonight's main
meal have either been grown, found or foraged." (Richie)
"Oh dear." -- Eddie
"What's this!?" (Eddie)
"Elm tea. The gypsies *swear* by it." (Richie)
"I bet they do--I bet they say, 'What the bloody hell is this?'" -- Eddie
"It's not your house, it's your aunt's house." (Eddie)
"For the purpose of this conversation, I am my aunt." (Richie)
"Hello Mabel!" (E)
"What, is she here? Shit, hide the fags! (turns around) Hello Auntie --
right, that's it! Get out!" -- Richie
"'Lieutenant Sex Machine, Homicide! Yeah, what time? Damn! I'm gonna nail
this sick mother even if the D.A. takes my badge! Chief, just give me
twenty-four hours!' Oh God, I wish I knew what all that meant!" -- Richie
"Well thank you very much Edward. You learn something every day, don't you?
And today I learnt that you're a complete bastard. Well, I think I might
turn in now, I feel so enriched." -- Richie
APOCALYPSE
==========
Eddie and Richie are suddenly rich. First thing to do: go to the fair and
blow some dosh. Richie crosses a gypsie fortune teller's palm with
silver, or as close as he can get. For 5 pence, his future's going to look
pretty bleak...
"Hello, auntie--this is Rikki-Tikki-Tavi! Kissy-kissy-kissy, hug hug-hug!"
-- Richie
"I have just lost three hundred pounds! Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised if
it was you that nicked it, you swarthy thieving nomad! Yeah, either you or
one of your slippery deformed half-brothers! Yes! Yes! I know what you
gypsies get up to when the lights go out! Extended family? It's just
another word for a sexual free-for-all!" -- Richie
"So this is it is it? This is the land fit for heroes. I hurt my leg in the
Falklands conflict for this, did I?" (Richie)
"Did he?" (man)
"Oh yeah, he tripped over the coffee table trying to switch channels." --
Eddie
'S UP
=====
Eddie and Richie "skillfully" keep shop. Richie gets to wear a snazzy white
shop keeper's coat, act rude to customers, and generally abuse his
"authority"...afterall, that's what makes Britain great.
(singing) "Land of Hope and Glory, something something else, Land of Hope
and Glory, that is where I live." -- Richie
"Come on, it's Sunday, a day of rest (twisting torso) Absolutely nothing to
do for twenty-four hours." (Richie)
"It's much like every other day, then." -- Eddie
"God, I love Sundays. Sunday papers, stroll in the park, church, and back
home for a nice big joint of good old English beef. Strawberries and cream,
a spot of tennis, and a smile in the heart of every true Englishman." --
Richie
"It's not very sexy, is it?" (Richie) "No. I must say, I expected a lot
more from 'The Furry Honeypot Adventure.'" -- Eddie
"Big Jugs! A history of pottery in the 19th century." (Richie)
"Well this one's a sure-fire hit. Look--'Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant
Jam.'" (Eddie)
"Yabba-dabba-do!...No, Eddie, it's 'Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant
Jam Makers.'" -- Richie
"It's a very dignified thing, being a shop keeper, don't you think? You
know, there's power, integrity, snazzy coat. Yeah, yeah." -- Richie
"Oh, Good, why did you make me so nice?" -- Richie
"See? British shop keeping, Eddie, best in the world!" --Richie
"We're a nation of shop keepers, you know. Oh, yuh, yuh, yuh, yuh. That's
what makes us so great, you know. They don't call it 'Great Luxemburg' do
they? No! Or 'Great France'..." (Richie)
"What's so great about being a nation of shop keepers?" (Eddie)
(incredulously) "What's so great about being a nation of shop keepers?" (R)
"Yeah, what's so great about it?" (E)
"Well it make us superior to everyone else. Because we know how to run a
corner shop." -- Richie
"British journalism, Richie--best in the world." --Richie
"British thugs, Richie. Best in the world." --Eddie
"Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning--" (shopper)
"Excuse me, hang on, shz-shz-shz-shz-shz-shz-shz. Let's just get one thing
clear, shall we? I am not an assistant. I am a shop keeper." (Richie)
"Is there a difference?" (shopper)
"Is there a difference? I've got a white coat on, he's got a jacket on back
to front! And that's just the tip of the iceberg, mate!" -- Richie
"This is your _name_, is it? 55-p? Mr. 55 pee?" -- Richie
ACCIDENT
========
It's Richie's birthday, and he uses every opportunity he gets to rub it in
Eddie's face. "Chopper" Hitler's mates, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, are
introduced. One of my favorite episodes.
"'May all your birthdays be happy ones, we like you more than Eddie.'
Ah-haaaaa. That's nice, isn't it?" -- Richie
"He's written a little joke. 'Congratulations, it's your birthday, it's
time for lots of fun...'" (Richie)
"'So roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum.'" (both)
"Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha! He is a maaad man. Un-stoppable. Ah-ha-" (R)
"That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? Oh no, that's the same
one he's sent for the last five years, actually. The same joke as well." --
Eddie
"Ooh! Here's one from "All the lads on the Ark Royal"! Bless 'em, they never
forget an old serviceman." (Richie)
"By 'serviceman' I take it you mean that time you got caught on board
pretending to be the Captain, just to impress Ethel Cardew." (Eddie)
"It worked." (R)
"No it didn't, she got off with the arresting officer!" (E)
"Yeah, well, it worked for him!" -- Richie
"Look, it says here 'Best wishes from all the lads on the Ark Royal'."
(Richie)
"But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to yourself for the
last seven years! This one's from Rod Steiger, this one's from Abba with
'Happy Christmas 1973' written inside it, and this one's from 'The people
of the Soviet Union, in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie.'" (Eddie)
"It's in Russian." (R)
"You just put the R's the wrong way round." (E)
"That's what Russian *is*! -- Richie
"We're good friends Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can
talk. And there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the last
twenty-five years." (Richie)
"Oh! What's that?" (Eddie)
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY AND CRAWL AWAY AND DIE IN A
DITCH SOMEWHERE, YOU BASTARD!" -- Richie
"Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies." (Spudgun)
"I didn't know that." (Eddie)
"Yeah, she went on Tuesday...it's funnier in the pub." -- Spudgun
"HA-HA! We're really _The Guys_, aren't we!!" -- Richie
"Hey! I tell you what, I know it looks like it, but that's not my leg in
there." -- Richie
"Don't you know who I am?" (Richie)
"No. Well, I mean, you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't you?" --
man
DIGGER
======
The boys visit a 'Love Bureau' service, hoping to get a "wazzo pair of
jugs." Is Richie finally going to dooooo it? Eddie plays Jives the butler
in their apartment, and we learn something new about him: he was once in
love with Harry Belafonte.
"Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?" (Love Bureau woman)
"Well, that'll be me." (Eddie)
"Any relation?" (LBW)
"Well, I've got a mother." (E)
"No, no, no , no, I meant Adolf Hitler." (LBW)
"Yes, that's her!" -- Eddie
"(on video) He-l-o-o-o-oh. Hel-l-lo. Ah...eh, lovely weather...er...I, I
can't see you, obviously, but I bet you've all got _smashing_ blouses on.
Er...um...my name's Richard, and, ah -- ah-heeh -- I'm looking for a, a
friend. Eh -- well, a lover really. But failing that a quick wriggle would
do! Oh, and by the way, I am the Duke of Kiddiminster and extremely rich!
(blank out)" (Richie)
"Oooh! I didn't realise you were nobility." (Love Bureau woman)
"Nor did I!" -- Eddie
"Can you see alright?" (Love Bureau woman)
"Ah, no--that's why I wear glasses." -- Eddie
"I'll just pop upstairs, then, and scrape off the sheets." -- Richie to his date
"Four - e - play..." -- Richie, reading "The Joy of Sex"
"If you're just here to emotionally cripple my friend Richie, then that's
perfectly okay with me." -- Eddie
"Now, what sort of woman are you looking for?" (Love Bureau woman)
"Kim Basinger." (Eddie)
"A woman like Kim Basinger..."
"No, Kim Basinger. The real one." -- Eddie
"Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension." (Richie)
"What, you mean you felt horney and she felt tense?" -- Eddie
"Oh, shuuu-tuuuuuuup, Eddie." -- Richie
"Oh, she's coming! Eddie, I need a stiff one." (Richie)
"They'll be plenty of time for that later." -- Eddie
"I despair, I really do!" -- Richie (used in many episodes)
"I'm collecting for the needy. This," woman holds up collection tin, "is for
the victims of domestic violence."
"Oh, ta very much!" -- Eddie (taking tin)
"You know what they say, 'Charity begins at home.'" (Richie)
"Yep, and that's where it ends in our house." -- Eddie
"What was it Shakespeare used to say?" (Richie)
"Uh, 'hello, my dear. I'm a playwright, you know. Go on, give us a shag." -- Eddie
"No really, what was it he used to say?" (Richie)
"'What do you mean it's crap?! There's eight bodies at the end and he gets
to shag his mum!'" -- Eddie
"Ha deh se geg ah gneh eg ah sig gneh ah aa g...I'm sorry, I've forgotten
how to talk." -- Richie (very important to get this quote correct!)
CULTURE
=======
The telly's been nicked, and we're having an evening of culture-and
poetry-and sophistication. Rik Mayall turns in a superb performance here,
jumping from one crazy notion to another like a manic depressive during the
manic phase. Eddie is the most tolerant that he's ever been with
Richie...until the end.
"Grrrrrrrrr-Great Days!" (Richie)
"No they weren't..." (Eddie)
"No, they weren't, were they? Still, you've got to say it. Come on,
grrrrrr-great days!" (R)
[Unenthusiastically] "Grrrr-great days." -- Eddie
"Let me get this sorted out: the bent vicar stands next to the queen...and
the queen goes in every direction?" (Richie)
"That's right." (Eddie)
"And they let children play this?!" -- Richie
"You know, it's funny: They say television encourages violence. I'm smashing
his face in, and we haven't got one!" -- Eddie
BURGLARY
========
Richie and Eddie turn in for bed--that is, until Richie hears a strange
noise downstairs. No, it's not Eddie's gastrointestinal problem.
"Eddie! What if they're looking for drugs?" (Richie)
"We haven't got any." (Eddie)
"That's what I mean. They'll be here all night." -- Richie
"Only joking! It's very good for morale." -- Eddie
"Oh great heavens, Eddie. We've been sleep-glazing again!" -- Richie
Sung by Richie to the tune of 'The Sailor's Hornpipe.' He sings it as he
hauls drunken Eddie up the stairs using a contraption:
"Do your balls hang low, can you swing 'em to and fro,
Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow,
Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling,
Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!"
PARADE
======
Eddie and Richie get in another mess. I don't want to give away too much of
this one. Robert Llewellyn guest-stars.
"And you've no objection to taking part in an identity parade?" (policeman)
"Oh, absolutely none whatsoever. Social responsibility is our byword. Er --
do we get the eight quid now or later on?" -- Richie
"Oh dear, whoops-a-daisy, here, he comes, dear oh dear oh dear. Look at that
Neanderthal gait! Probably only learned to walk upright this morning.
Hanging's too good for you, buster! Huh, I'm surprised he manages to mug
old ladies with his knuckles scraping along the pavement like that!
[gorilla impression] Ooh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-hello, hello,
b-b-bll-b-b-bll-ll, me respectable citizen! Ugh, it's making my flesh
creep, you vile scum!" (Richie)
"Do you mind?" Man
"Ooh, it talks! It talks! What are you gonna do next, go on a quest for
fire?" (R)
"Good afternoon everyone, I am Chief Inspector Grobbelaar."
"You'll have to, ah, excuse Eddie, his mind's just blanked it out."
(Richie)
"What, 'cause it's so horrible?" (Veteran)
"No, he's just got that sort of mind." -- Richie
"Now you, it's on the management, what would you like?" (barmaid)
"Oh. Sexual favours now is it?" (Richie)
"No." (barmaid)
"What do you mean, 'no'? What's wrong with me?" (R)
"Well I would have thought that was patently obvious to everyone."
--Barmaid
"I'm not a homosexual if that's what you're thinking." (Richie)
"Well, you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie?" (Eddie)
"Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!" (R)
"Yeah, but you've never done it with a bird either, have you? (to everyone
else) Has he?" (E)
"No, no..." -- all
"I'm heterosexual in intent." (Richie)
"The nearest you've come to being heterosexual is barricading yourself in a
bedroom with a copy of "Amateur Photographer" and a jar of hand-cream."
(Eddie)
"Yeah, but I mean...I've done it mentally...Boy have I done it mentally.
Look at that bicep." -- Richie
"Oh, if only I had a huge wad." (Richie)
"Either that or a huge pile of cash." (Eddie)
"Yeah...Hey, I've just had a great idea! Come with me to the lavatories!"
(R)
"That's not a great idea, that's the same cheap trick you try every Saturday
night!" -- Eddie
"Eddie, shut up, you're not as interesting as me." (Richie)
"Fair enough." -- Eddie
"Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip jack jockstrap
piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!" -- Eddie
"Are you a professional bore, or is this some kind of hobby?" -- Richie
"So. What did you do, then?" (Eddie)
"Well...I'd rather not talk about it." (War veteran)
"Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cried, did you?" (E)
"Quite the opposite, actually?" (vet)
"What? You sucked water in through your eyes?" -- Eddie
HOLY
====
It's Christmas and Richie is excited as usual. Eddie could care less, until
a tiny package arrives. The hilarious Christmas dinner scene always makes
me feel better about my holidays. :)
"I'd better get on with my turkey." (Richie)
"What are you going to do with it?" (Eddie)
"Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop
both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its
arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely
burnt." -- Richie
"Well that's just eff-ing marvellous!" -- Richie
"I was only joking. It's good for the morale." -- Eddie
"We're English here, and we're going to do Christmas properly. Well, unless
there's a Bond film on, obviously." -- Richie
"Now Eddie: crackers?" (Richie)
"Yes. But it's never stopped me so far." (Eddie)
"No, I mean have you got the crackers?" (R)
"No, it's just the way my trousers hang." -- Eddie
"First aid! First aid! What's the procedure for someone who's just cut their
finger off?" (Richie)
"Ummmm-I think they bleed to death in half an hour." -- Eddie
"HALF PAST EIGHT! AND ALL'S CRAP!" -- Eddie
"Help yourself to sprouts." (Richie)
"On, no-sprouts." (Spudgun)
"Sprouts? So it IS Christmas, then." -- Dave Hedgehog
"Well then--who likes stuffing? (maniacal laughter)" -- Richie
"Cor, what a magnificient bird!" (Richie)
"Where?" (everyone)
"Gets 'em every time!" -- Richie
"Hey! Who's for a lovely juicy bit of breeeaast? (maniacal laughter)" --
Richie
"Gold... Frankenstein... and Grrr! And you're all wearing crowns....AND I'M
A VIRGIN! That's why I could never get a SHAG!!!" -- Richie
'S OUT
======
This episode would never air in America, either. In one of the most
politically incorrect episodes, Native American Indians are referred to as
"Red Indians."
This is the infamous 'Wimbledon Common' episode. Armed with a very small
tent, one tin-opener, and no canned food, the boys set camp and the comedy
begins.
For the full transcript, see Part 3 of this FAQ.
"What do you normally do when you go to bed, Eddie?" (Richie)
"I normally have a bit of a kip." (Eddie)
"You're so concise. I mean, what's your going-to-bed routine?" (R)
"Ah, routine. Well, I normally...get into bed...and then I have a bit of a
kip." -- Eddie
"Wonder what's on telly right now. Probably missing Emmerdale Farm. Matt'll
have his arm up some cow's backside by now. Lucky bugger." -- Richie
"Listen, Eddie, I think there's something outside." (Richie)
"Yeah, well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect
the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of
a small canvas tent." -- Eddie
"You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie." (Richie)
"Yeah, well I've had half a bottle of Scotch, what do you expect?" -- Eddie
"I took evening classes in Jiu-jitsu, you know." (Richie)
"You should have done them in Hammersmith. Then you could save money on the
bus-fares." -- Eddie
FROM BOTTOM LIVE!
=================
"Oooh, blimey, there's a scoop. Oh hold the front page. 'Pair of knockers
wobble about a bit same as usual sensation. Paris prepares statement.'
Ho-huh, that's not journalism Eddie." (Richie)
[heartfelt] "Oh, yes it is mate." -- Eddie
"What was that?" (Richie)
"Nothing... just an aside. [waves to audience] Hallo." (Eddie)
"I've told you before: you don't talk to the ordinary people." -- Richie
"Yes! Fifteen thousand pounds! Payable immediately. In cash! H-hhhrrrr, this
is it Eddie. This is the big one. Birds! Booze! And... yeah well that'll do
me actually." -- Eddie
"Oh Eddie, Eddie, why does everything we do have to degenerate into mindless
violence?" (Richie)
"Because that's the way we like it." (Eddie)
"Yes, I suppose you're right, you insane old git." -- Richie
"That's right me old cock-a-leekie mate flap sparrow Cockney rhyming
bollocks!" -- Eddie
[seducing his inflatable woman] "Just getting the hand cream, baby! Just
chucking the lid away, we won't need that any more,'cause we're gonna get
through the whole blumming lot tonight!" -- Richie
"Ah, now, ahh, where's the, ah, superglue gone? I left it here in the
hand-cream jar." (Eddie)
[flashing a shocked look at the audience] "Superglue?" (Richie)
"Ye-eees." (E)
"Superglue in the hand-cream jar?" (R)
"You got it!" -- Eddie
"Is she from the circus?" (Eddie)
"Do you mind, she's a respectable woman!" (Richie)
"Yes, I can see that. And, erm, is this the box she came in? [examines it]
Phworgh, blimey, she's a busy woman, isn't she? She's got three working
offices!" -- Eddie
"Eddie, you've done it! You're a genius! Ah, what would I do without you,
you are a genius! Well done! There's only one thing." (Richie)
"What?" (Eddie)
"You've just cut off my knob." -- Richie
"No knob. No knob. No knob! Not...a bit of a knob. Just, uh-uh, no knob!
I've got absolutely nothing to do." -- Richie
"Eh-what have I got to live for? What a ridiculous question. Oh-ha-ha-ha.
[takes a deep breath, holds his finger out as if to count] Er..."
(Richie)
"Look, take it from me, I'm your best friend. You're a sad, ugly,
foul-smelling, unpopular, friendless...arse-head. And everyone you have
ever met would prefer it if you were dead." -- Eddie
"I know all this already, you vast poisoned intergalactic buttock from
Sainsbury's!" -- Richie
___________________
7. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many people contributed information to this FAQ. Thanks go to:
Peter C. Broekhuizen, Richard Clements, Richard Covell, C.P.Cowen, James
Cronin, Adam Davies, Drew Glazier, Phil Grant, Gavin Greig, Brian Gunning,
Neill Hodgkinson, Jerry Kohl, Steve Lake, Per Molin, Jon Morris, "MAD
Mosher", Adrian Myers, Tim Neame, Mark Hiro Norman, Daniel O'Malley, David
Owen, Barbara Petersen, Rien Post, Paul Sexton, Camilla Sharp, Daniel F.
Smith, Jan Staff, Michelle L. Street, D.W. Stewart & Andrew Wong.
Many thanks to Jason R. Heimbaugh for providing space at the cathouse.org
British Comedy Pages for the Bottom FAQ and pictures.
Special thanks to James Kew, a stoaty kind of a fellow.
GREAT MATES ALL.
===============================================
END OF PART 2 of BOTTOM FAQ
===============================================
Melinda 'Bob' Casino
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 1994/10/10
Version: 2.4
Part 3
=====================================================
THE "BOTTOM" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS LIST
=====================================================
Compiled and maintained by Version 2.4
Melinda 'Bob' Casino <bcdi...@ix.netcom.com>
=====================================================
SERIES 2, EPISODE 6:
"'S Out"
~ by ~
A d r i a n E d m o n d s o n / R i k M a y a l l
=====================================================
This FAQ can also be found at the cathouse.org British Comedy Pages. The URL:
http://cathouse.org:8000/BritishComedy/
* Here follows a transcript of Season 2, episode 6, which has never been
shown in the U.K. The scripts for seasons 1 and 2, transcribed by James
Kew, can be found at ftp://cathouse.org/pub/cathouse/television/bottom/.
* Many thanks go to my sister, Michelle, who was instrumental in expediting
this transcript and ensuring accuracy.
* Brought to you by Mazola, the best stuff to drink when you're drunk.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Outdoors: Wimbledon Common. A sign states 'DOGS TOILET'.
RICHIE: La la la la la da da! Oh, I don't know about you, but after a long
hike like that I'm just about ready to pitch camp and hit the sack.
EDDIE: What do you mean? I can just about see the bus from here!
R: Yes, this looks like a good spot, a natural sort of...
E: Shithole.
R: Yeah--no, no, no, no. I mean a natural hollow, in the lie of the wind,
fresh water supply, the wind coming from (wets finger and holds it in the
air)--gaw, oh, dear oh dear oh dear (bad smell) You'd think people'd have
better control of their dogs, wouldn't you? Look at that. Huh! Must've been
a Great Dane! Aw, we can't camp here, we're not French. Hi-dee-ho, on we go,
Eddie. No rest for the hygienic. Dear oh dear, who'd be English! (Steps
forward one foot) Yeah, this is much better here. Much more likely spot. (R
takes camping gear off his back) Ah, this is great, isn't it Eddie?
E: What?
R: This...
E: No.
R: You poor sad deformed urban pustule. This is real life: nature, struggle,
destiny. Where's your romance?
E: Well, she works in Sketchleys every Saturday afternoon. Should be going
out with her tonight. That's a point. If I pop off in half an hour I can
just get to the chemist before they close.
R: You stay where you are, Judas. Where's your sense of adventure?
E: Ah, now, she's in Chiswick.
R: No, I mean your spuuunk? I don't--no, no, no--Let's just avoid that line
of questioning, shall we? Come on, Eddie. We don't need birds. Besides, if
we don't do it, we'll lose that bet with Mad Ken Stalin that we can't live
rough in the country for a week. And we haven't got fifty quid, and I'd
rather hang on to my knee-caps if it's all the same to you.
E: A WEEK!?
R: Uh, yes, hah. I-I was hoping to break that to you at a more opportune
moment.
E: A BLOODY WEEK?
R: Yeah, well, I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick
a dart in his temple. Once he'd done that, he had us over a barrel.
E: But I've only got enough underwear for tonight.
R: That's all you've ever had.
E: That's true.
R: Now, look, we're stuck with it, so will you for heaven's sake quit
moaning. Come on, let's get the tent up. Honestly, Alexander the Great
never had this problem.
E: Well he wasn't a complete dickhead, was he?
R: Right, that's it. That's it. (takes fighting stance) Yeees. I've been
doing evening classes in Jujitsu, you know.
E: Well you should have taken them in Hammersmith, then you could've saved
money on the bus fares.
R: Ah, HA-HA-HA-HA! (hysterical laugh as he catches the joke) Eddie, what
great mates we are! (Eddie looks to the camera and mimes wanking motion).
R: Jujitsu, Hammersmith, marvelous! Come on, let's get the tent right
up.
Cut to scene of Richie putting up tent. Camera pulls back to reveal
extremely small tent. Eddie is sitting on a bench observing.
E: Right, well, that's the toilet tent--where do we sleep?
R: OH, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Look out everybody I'm about to blow my trousers
off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm.
E: What, you mean that's the whole tent?
R: Eddie, this isn't just a tent. This is a World Ranger Storm-Buster 4. You
can go anywhere in that.
E: Yeah, and we probably will as soon as the breeze gets up.
R: Hey, hey, don't knock it. You'll be glad for this when the bomb drops.
E: What, you think that's going to withstand a twenty-megaton nuclear
blast?!
R: Well you'll be sleeping in it tonight so we'll find out, won't we?
E: Wait a minute--we're both going to sleep in this?
R: Yes.
E: We'll be very close, won't we?
R: Well, we'll have our sleeping bags to keep us--respectable.
E: Sleeping bags?! What's this all about? The last thing I remember is
ordering two pints of mild.
R: Well I've got my sleeping bag.
E: Well where's my sleeping bag?
R: Well the last I hear she was in Chiswick!
E: So there's only one sleeping bag?
R: It would appear so, yes.
E: Oh, yeah, I get it...
R: Eddie, I'm not trying to trick you into a nudie sauce romp, believe me.
I'd rather stick my genitals in a bee's nest.
E: Kinky.
R: What do you mean, 'kinky'? How am I kinky?
E: You want to stick your genitals in a bee's nest.
R: No I don't, that's the whole point, it's sarcasm, uh! Look, the point
I was trying to make is that though sticking one's genitals in a bee's nest
is a stupendously un-nice experience, it's nevertheless preferable to a
squidgy sleeping bag session with you! Alright? Now can we just get our
equipment out? I mean, can't we get our tackle out--no, I mean get our
gear--oh, God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double-entendre
lurking around the corner. Look shall we just unpack and get dinner on the
go, alright? (Turns back to the camp. Turns around suddenly with migraine
expression) I bet you forgot the tin-opener, didn't you? I despair, I
really do! I give you one simple task, one little obligation, and what do
you do? You forget it!
E: Well that's where you're wrong, be-cauuuse (pulls tins-opener out of bag)
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (waves it tauntingly in Richie's face) Here it 'tis. Right!
Where are the tins?
R: Shit! Shit! You stupid bastard! Why did you make me forget them? Why do I
always have to do every--we are going to starve to death now. We are going
to starve to death.
E: But look! I've got a packet of chocolate hob-nobs.
R: (Completely relieved) Oh, thank God. Ah-ha-ha-ha, oh Eddie, we're saved.
E: What do you mean, 'we'? I'm alright, I don't fancy your chances much.
R: Oh, have a heart, Eddie. It's your old pal here, Richie.
E: Exactly. Bugger off.
(Richie leans towards the hob-nobs Eddie is eating, mouth open. Eddie hits
Richie in the face. Richie winds up for a swing, Eddie gets up, the punch
lands on the metal bench with a thud. Eddie scrambles into the tent.)
R: Eddie? Eddie? (hears Eddie eating in the tent. Takes pole from tent and
whacks the tent repeatedly. Eddie crawls out. Richie continues to stomp on
the tent, as Eddie stands by watching. Both nod to each other when he
finishes. The struggle for the hob-nobs continues. Richie's eye gets
speared with the other tent pole. He takes it out and turns around, winding
a punch towards Eddie. He misses, but the hob-nobs are knocked into flight.
Great direction here as we see the hob-nobs flying, in slow-motion, only to
land in a murky, foul pond. A few more blows are exchanged as a result. End
of scene, signaled by jazz music).
NEW SCENE: Eddie and Richie are drying out the hob-nobs over a fire.
R: What was that film where they ate each other?
E: Deepthroat, wasn't it?
R: Yeah, that's right...great, wasn't it? Anyway, anyway, back to the
question of food.
E: Oh, yeah. Hang on, this is Wimbledon Common, isn't it?
R: Yeeees....
E: Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a womble?
R: Eddie, wombles don't exist.
E: Oh yes they do, I've seen them on the telly.
R: Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you they were just
puppets?
E: Yes it would.
R: Good. Eddie, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS.
E: Well what's that then?
R: It's a--arrgh! (cut to hedgehog crawling in the grass) Eddie, that is
a hedgehog.
E: No, it's not. That is great Uncle Bulgaria.
R: Well if it's great uncle Mulgaria, then the series has taken a sad turn
for the worse because he's wandering around in the nude.
E: Whuah! The wombles have gone x-rated!
R: Eddie, pop your insane leaking brain back in its sponge-bag for just
an instant and concentrate. Now, womble or not, that is our supper.
E: It'll be a bit spiky, won't it?
R: Eddie, red Indians eat them, y'know.
E: Is that why they run around going hohohohohoho! (Indian motion in front
of mouth)
R: Eddie, Eddie, you're so soi-disant (French for "self-styled")! Red Native
Americans do not run around the place going 'hohohohohoh'. No, it's
ridiculous. They run around going 'How.'
E: I bet they do. I bet they run around going 'How the bloody hell are
we supposed to eat that spiky hedgehog?'
R: No they do not. They run around the place saying, 'How lovely that spiky
hedgehog meal was, Mrs. Sitting Bull. We really must do the same next
Tuesday, it was charming. How's Roger's prep school, by the way?
E: What the bloody hell are you talking about you madman?
R: You wouldn't understand, Eddie--different social strata. Now, how are
we gonna kill it?
E: Well, you could bore it to death.
R: Right-o! Nooo---hmmmm...oh, it's all academic now, he's buggered off. Oh,
no! There he is, in the thicket! Right, this is it. Uh, okay, right.
E: Oh, I know. Let's entice him out with a chocolate hob-nob.
R: Great idea, great idea. And then when he's out in the open, we'll
surround him and finish him off. Right. So, we need to gather some sticks
and sort of lash them together to fashion some sort of rifle!
E: I wonder what the Pygmies do?
R: They wander around saying, 'Crikey, isn't everything big?'
E: It's no wonder they died out then, is it?
R: Huh-huh-huh.
E: Hang on, I've got my darts. And we can use this (picks up tent pole) as a
blow-pipe.
R: Oh yes. Oh Eddie yes. Darts and a blow-pipe--very rainforest. God, I wish
Sting was here to see this.
E: Right, here we go.
R: Oh Eddie Eddie, hang on. Now listen, if we're going to do this really
really properly, we're gonna have to have some proper Amazon Indian names
for ourselves.
E: Come on before he goes off to meet Orinoco.
R: Shut up, Eddie, shut up. This is important. Right, now it's got to be
sort of eagley, with a dash of running dog and not forgetting a hint of
being a tower of attraction to women.
E: Mmmm--what about Neville?
R: That's brilliant! Running Neville--no, no, Sitting Neville. No,
nooooo--Squatting Neville.
E: Come on, he's getting away.
R: Don't hustle me-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-alright, I don't like it, but
we'll have to go with Pocahontos.
E: Alright, Hogateepontas, entice him out.
R: Hey, don't forget to make the noise.
(Both run at the thicket, making the 'Indian noise,' then stop
simultaneously)
R: Oh, he's buggered off.
E: Oh look! There he is, by the tree!
R: Right! Let's go! Ooo, hey Eddie: do you think we should do this in our
underpants? It would be great, it would be really Indiany. We could get
some hankies and put them down the front and the back like flaps,
and--stupid idear, isn't it? We haven't got any hankies. No, hang on--we
could use some pages from the Evening Standard! They're even bigger! We get
a big flap down the front, and a big flap down the back, we'll get our
biros out and we'll doodle on our nipples. Take the point, then it's a bit
chilly, isn't it? Right then, let's hunt. Huh! (in a sweet voice) Mrs.
Tiggewinkle...Mrs. Tiggewinkle. It's not working. Mr. Tiggiewinkle...yum,
yum (throws hob-nob into the bush) Right, Eddie, he's broken cover. Let 'im
have it.
(Eddie puts blowpipe to mouth and blows. We hear a "thump" as if it went
into something soft)
E: Did I get him?
R: No you missed.
E: Damn!
R: Eddie me old chum...
E: Yes me old mate?
R: Do us a favor and pull this dart out of the back of my head, would you?
(We now see the dart has lodged in Richie's head).
E: Right me ol' mucker. Blimey, how'd that get in there?
R: I've no idea. Hurry along now, I'm losing me eyesight.
(The dart comes out with a pop, as Richie falls face first into the camp
fire. Richie's face is singed and he rushes, yelling, towards the pond.
Dunks head in)
E: Richie
R: (Gurgle)
E: You've put the fire out now.
R: Eddie! There's a fish in there.(Eddie aims with blowpipe) There he is!
Let him have it! (Eddie blows again)
E: Go and get him Richie.
R: No I think I'll just hang around here on the shore if it's all the same
with you."
E: Come on, he's only a fish.
R: Yes, I realize that, but unfortunately my hand is now attached to this
boulder. (Lifts hand to reveal dart and boulder. Eddie pulls dart out of
hand. Boulder falls on Richie's foot-Richie yells in pain.)
R: Right. Give me the blowpipe.
E: Yep, I'm very sorry Richie.
R: Give me the dart.
E: Here you go.
R: Right. Go and stand over there.
E: Fair enough.
(Richie loads the dart in the blowpipe and proceeds to suck in the dart).
R: ARRRGGGHHH! (muffled) Scthlap me!
E: I beg your pardon?
R: SCTHLAP--ME!
E: Oh! I like this game...(E slaps R in the face) Hey, you've got a dart
in there, did you know that? You-have got a dart-in there!
R: Geth ith out!
E: I be-I beg your pardon." (Eddie closes his coat)
R: Geth ith out!
E: Kinky!
R: THE DTHARTH!
E: Oh. (Eddie picks up mallet and hits Richie on the head. Dart ricochets to
finally land in Richie's posterior.)
R: OOOOWWWWW! (Richie picks out dart and throws it away) I don't think we're
really cut out for this dart business, do you?
E: The only thing that's had anything to eat around here is the bloody
hedgehog. There's only one hob-nob left--that's 27 hob-nobs he's had! It's
no wonder he shits like a Great Dane.
R: Hey, Eddie, why don't we have a go at that fish?
E: But we haven't got a fishing rod.
R: Ugh. Hey, why don't we use your vest as a net?
E: Would I have to be in it?
R: Come on, give us the vest. (Eddie rips off vest without getting
undressed) Hah! Right! Get the stove nice and hot. Stand back Moby, here I
come! (Richie flings vest in the pond. Meanwhile Eddie starts the fire
using propane gas thingamagig)
E: Have you caught anything yet?
R: (Lifting up condom) Yes, I think I very probably have caught something,
Eddie. It's quite a love nest around here, you know.
(Richie continues to forage, this time stepping into the pond. We can hear
the fuel leaking as Eddie searches for matches)
R: Oh! Great! Eddie, I've landed one! She is a beauty! (Richie holds up
a very small fish, speared with the dart)
E: Nice one, Richie.
R: Look at 'er. _Look at 'er_. She must be THAT big! (Richie holds arms
wide) Quite the little battle there--yeah! I'm a-I'm afraid we lost the
vest in the battle.
E: (pause) You mean my vest is in the pond...
R: Yes. Is the stove lit yet?
E: Half.
R: Half?
E: Yeah, you haven't seen the matches anywhere, have you?
R: Noooo--you could try rubbing sticks together....
E: Mmmmm. It's a tad more urgent than that.
R: Oh alright. Alright, you can use my Briquet (NOTE: French for "lighter").
But don't keep your finger down for longer than a second. (Eddie lights the
fire, which shoots eight feet in the air)
E: Stove's lit.
R: Nice one. Right! Let's get Moby under the grill! I'm famished! (Richie
puts Moby on a stick, and holds in fire. Moby catches fire. Richie waves it
around trying to put it out. Finally he stomps on it)
E: Is it done, then?
R: I think so. They don't take long, do they?
E: What, and we just eat it straight off the ground, do we? Is that
safe?
R: Oh Eddie, you and your hygiene. We're in the countryside here, we've got
everything we need. We'll wash it in the lake--lovely fresh mountain
stream, it'll be *lovely*. (Looks down at fish) Yeah, well you pick it up,
it's a bit near the dogshit for me. (Eddie 'washes' the fish)
E: Ooops! Lost a bit. Which end's the head, do you think?
R: Oh come here, give it to country boy, I'll divide it up. Uhh, well, it's
bound to be one or the other, isn't it? Uhhh--heads or tails? No, we can't
do that can we? Alright, I'll have the black bit, you have the flakey bit.
Good health! (Richie pops it into his mouth) That was--disgusting! You're
not eating yours, Eddie?
E: No, I'm keeping it.
R: What for?
E: Evidence. (Takes out plastic baggie and puts remains of fish in it)
R: Come on Eddie, you've got to get some nutrition.
E: I'm alright, mate. I've got half a bottle of scotch here, I know who's
side I'm on.
R: Yeeessss---Let's get boozy and sit around the campfire singing dirty
rugby songs.
E: Yeah! Right, here we go. (Fire finally runs out of fuel as they sit down)
Oh well! First shot to me. (Eddie drinks the rest in one long gulp) There
you go.
R: Alright! (Richie puts empty bottle to his mouth) Ohhhwowowow! I'm going
crazy! Okay, dirty rugby songs, here we go! Twinkle, twinkle, little--oh,
that's not really dirty, is it? Eddie? (Eddie has collapsed) Oh, Eddie,
don't pass out already! You'll miss out on all the fun.
E: What fun?
R: Yes, I suppose that's a point. When you come to think of it, nothing ever
really happens in the country, does it? (Just then a flasher comes by and
flashes them) You wonder why they do it, really, don't you? I mean, with
something as small as that...mine's bigger than that and mine's *tiny*.
Ish. Tinyish. Oh well. (Stands up) Time for bed.
E: What do you mean, it's only half past five?!
R: We're in the country now, and you know what they say: 'A cuckoo in May,
oora-oora-ay!'
SCENE ENDS SIGNALED BY JAZZ MUSIC.
NEW SCENE: Night, with a full moon. Eddie and Richie are squeezed next to
each other in the tent. The sign that says 'DOGS TOILET' is within the
confines of the tent.
R: Well. Here we are Edward. You sure you didn't sneak a quick peek at
my underpants when I was getting into my sleeping bag?
E: Absolutely Richie. I give you my word of honor, I did not catch even the
slightest glimpse of your gaudily stained love-blob containers.
R: Right. Good. Well. Nighty-night, then...What do you normally do when you
got to bed, Eddie?
E: I normally have a bit of a kip.
R: You're so concise. I mean, what's your going-to-bed routine?
E: Oh, routine. Well, I normally get into bed, and then I have a bit of
a kip.
R: Wonder what's on telly right now. Probably missing Emmerdale Farm. Mat'll
probably have his arm up some cow's backside by now. Lucky bugger.
E: We'll miss The Late Show of course. Gaw, that bird in the red specs...
(makes puffing sound)
R: Eddie, are you carrying a torch for her?
E: (Looks down at trousers) No, it's just the way my trousers ruck up.
R: Oh. (Notices Eddie has started reading something) What are you reading,
Eddie?
E: I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus.
R: (sigh) Bored now...you ever been hang-gliding?
E: Nope.
R: No, nor me. Well that's exhausted that one, then. Huh. I can't think
of anything else to talk about you know.
E: WELL NIGHT-NIGHT THEN!
R: Yes, I suppose so. Night-night. Sleep tight.
Hope-the-bed-bugs-do-not-bite.
If they do, do a poo, put it in a Cornish stew.
Into the ambulance, dring, dring, dring,
Fish trousers elephant in Peking.
Saw a busy bee, tiddle-diddle-dee,
Daddy's an accountant just like me.
Night-night, God bless. (Immediately shuts eyes and goes to sleep)
I'm still not sleepy you know...You know, I think it's the sleeping bag.
It's letting in a draft.
E: Oh my heart bleeds.
R: Come on Eddie. I'm more sensitive than you are. Do us a favor, old pal.
Grab a hold of my drawstring and give it a bloody good yank.
E: I beg your pardon?
R: No, here.
E: Oh. (Eddie yanks string so that it's very tight around Richie's neck)
R: Okay, fine, fine! Good. Right. Night-night, then. (Leans over to kiss
Eddie, suddenly realizes it's inappropriate) No, no, no! Put the light out
Eddie, would you? (Eddie starts to snore) Oh, God, I can't get out. I'll
have to do it meself. (Tries to blow out the lamp. Inches closer while
blowing. Next shot is of Richie burning his face) OOOooooo--oh, God, who'd
be me? Night-night, world.
(Storm starts with clap of thunder and lightning. Rain pours down. The
exaggerated hoot of an own is heard.)
R: Eddie, Eddie! There's someone outside, doing owl impressions. (Owl hoots
again) Not very good ones, either. (Eddie wakes up and starts thrashing
around. Richie hits him repeatedly with a cooking pot held in his mouth)
E: What are you doing that for? I was having a dream.
R: I know--it sounded harrowing.
E: No! I was in bed with Kim Basinger. It was fantastic. Let's get back
to sleep very quickly. (Both shut their eyes)
E: WHERE THE BLOODY HELL AM I?!
R: No Eddie, calm down, you're in a tent--you're in a tent. Listen, Eddie, I
think there's something outside.
E: Yeah, well, there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't
expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the
confines of a small canvass tent.
R: No, listen! (Owl noises again) No, Eddie, I'm serious. I'm getting a
sense of something magnificently evil, black, and foul hanging in the air
waiting to destroy us.
E: Yeah, that would be the fish repeating on you. (Owl hoots)
R: There it is again...what do you think it is? A wolf? A bear?
E: WOMBLES!!
R: WOMBLES! Oh, oh, look Eddie, Eddie, why don't we bring the fire inside
the tent to ward them off?
E: Well that'd be a bit dangerous, wouldn't it?
R: No, it's gone out.
E: Well what's the point then?
R: Oh--oh yes, silly me!
E: Heyayayayayaya--why don't we light a small fire inside the tent?
R: Alright, just a small one.
E: Oh, you know me. A tiny little bitsy teeny one.
R: Good ole Eddie.
E: Now, where's the paraffin? Here we go. (Eddie starts to drink it)
R: No! No, Eddie, don't drink it, we need that!
E: Stand well back.
R: What do you mean, 'stand well back?' I can't get out of this bloody
sleeping bag, can I?
E: Here we go.
R: No--Eddie, change of plan! (Exterior shot of tent. Fire bursts out both
sides of the tent)
R: (inside the tent, both their faces are burned) Nice one, Eddie. That
should ward them off. (Shadow appears outside the tent) Oh! Eddie! Look!
Help me get out of this sleeping bag!
E: There's no time! (Eddie zips down the tent entrance. Zipper is raised
slowly from the other side. Our friend, the crazy flasher, sticks his love
spuds in the tent, laughing hysterically. Eddie and Richie scream. Alot.
Eddie zips down the tent. Flasher runs off screaming, and taking the tent
with him.)
E: (Understated) Right, well. That's about it for me. I'm off. (Richie tries
to inch after him like a worm in his sleeping bag)
E: What are you not coming?
R: Well I can't, I can't move, can I?
E: Well that's a point. (Eddie picks up mallet used earlier)
R: Eddie, no!
I'll let the reader guess what happens next. :)
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