"Ready Steady Cook!" - The Full Monty
The Rattler
For those unfortunate enough to not have witnessed this classic episode
of the hit UK speed-cookery show, here's the lowdown!
The rules are, as ever, the same. Two teams, the Green Peppers and The
Red Tomatoes compete against each other in an attempt to see who can cook
the fastest dish (they have a 20 minute time limit). Personally, I've
always seen this show as being completely absurd in concept (esp as both
teams make completely different dishes!) and tonight did nothing to prove
me wrong. The makers (and indeed the guests) of this show are stark
raving bonkers!
Of course, the reason I'm posting this on RATUCS is because tonight's
guest team members are none other than Angela "Fiona Middleton" Griffin
and Charles "Jim McDonald, so he is" Lawson. From the first minute
they're introduced we can predict the whole show. Angela appears and
engages in uninteresting ditzy small-talk with Fern Britton (the rather
alluring presenter) and Nick Naims (the Green Peppers team leader) which
fails to differentiate from her muppet-like behaviour on Corrie, proving
once and for all she is indeed nothing more than a creation of Jim
Henson's gone terribly awry.
The story behind which dishes each team makes lies in yet another mad
production idea. The celebrity guests are given five pounds in cash and
asked to buy some supplies with it which will make up the main part of
the dish (eggs, flour, spices, etc are provided on-set). The Muppet has
bought lots of things, onions, apples, Yorkshire pudding mix, sausages
and mushy peas amongst them, boasting "I'm a Yorkshire lass and I want a
Yorkshire meal!"... *snore*
Charles Lawson on the other hand is full of humour and life. Instead of
walking onto the stage in the normal way, he bounces his way down the
steps (no wheelchair, strangely ;)) and energetically places himself
between Fern and Paul Rankin (the Red Tomatoes team leader, who tonight
sports a "Culinary Genius" T-shirt... ego? What ego?). In one of the
finest ever moments in the history of the programme, they ask him what
he's spent his five pounds on and, instead of dragging out the usual
eclectic mix of weird and wonderful tidbits, Charles empties out his bag
to reveal nothing but a big, red lobster. The audience cracks up as a
rather shocked Fern asks him if this is all he got for his fiver, to
which the honourable Mr Lawson replies "Aye, cost me £4.99 this did!!"
Poor old Paul Rankin is already catching on to the fact that Charles
Lawson is *not* here to cook... ;)
The stopwatch is started and we now have 20 minutes to watch our bumbling
heroes fart around with the most trivial of kitchen-based activities.
Charlie starts making some egg pasta from the ingredients in the studio
fridge and cracks the egg with amazingly false gusto, smiling as he stirs
it, royally taking the piss out of TV chefs all over the globe. It isn't
long before he spies the bottle of red wine and, yup, you guessed it, he
dismisses the pasta, pours a glass and downs it!
The Muppet is making a fool out of nobody but herself as she marvels in
awe at the modern technologgy that is.... the Potato Peeler. "I've never
used one of these before", she witters, "These are really good!" Oh
dear... Back on the Red Tomatoes' side, Paul is trying to show Charles
how to feed the pasta through the pasta-making-machine. Charles is,
again, taking the piss as he massages Paul's shoulders and asks him if he
can handle the pace. Paul looks ready to snap and asks in mock-humourous
tone why they had to have Charlie on the show. The madness continues as
Paul gives Senor L a go with the pasta-maker and sure enough, within five
seconds it's broken. "This has been sabotaged!" yells Charles as the
machine well and truly jams, seemingly beyond repair.
Fern is probably a bit embarrassed by the antics on show here and heads
back to the Green Peppers' camp where Muppet is chopping the onions with
a degree of dexterity. "How did you learn that?!" asks Fern,
feigning amazement on which we learn that pre-Corrie, Angela Griffin
worked in an Italian Deli once upon a time and used to prepare food all
the time. This, coming from a girl who only minutes ago told us she'd
never used a potato peeler, is somewhat hard to swallow. She then slips
into ego-mode and explains how she's been acting since age six. We
assume at this point that the BBC edited the original phrase "I've been
acting dumb since age six" (Thanks Pat! ;))). All the while she's harping
on about her acting, Nick is cutting up caramelised apples (eww!) and
frying sausages (what a mix!) ready to throw into the final disgusting
feast.
This is all upstaged however from the rantings of a clearly very
insane person, namely Charles Lawson, who is screaming about the pasta
machine being crap and how, if it had been made in Belfast it wouldn't
have broke so easily. By this point, tears are rolling down my cheek. Did
I mention already the man is an absolute star? Fern, desperate to put a
stop to this, comes over and within a split-second has unjammed the
machine. Now comes the high point of the show... In order to fit the
machine onto the counter-top, a 6 inch hole has been drilled in the
counter right next to it. Sure enough, just as Charlie gets the pasta
through the machine, splat, it falls through the hole and lands on the
floor. I'm betting money on the fact he did this on purpose! He's gutted,
he picks it up, feeds it through again and then *splat* once more, on the
floor! Paul is seethingly dicing the lobster trying to ignore the fiasco
his teammate is making of the whole affair. He provides some boring
trivia about lobster meat and accidentally refers to Charles as Jim (!!!)
which is quickly followed by the immmortal line: "If you call me Jim
again, I'm gonna slap you round the face!!" delivered with the expected
Irish vigour!
Muppet & Nick ramble on about boring rubbish as they stuff Yorkshire
puddings with mushy peas, caramelised apples and seriously undercooked
sausages. The final insult is when they pour treacle over the whole vile
mess. YUCK! And into the oven they go... Err, the puds that is, not
(unfortunately) Nick & The Muppet, although that would have made far more
entertaining viewing. ;)) (jk!)
Meanwhile, Jim has victoriously finished pressing the pasta and is
remarking on what a "sexy pasta" it is. He's stirring some eggs (or some
yellowy muck) now and pretending to be a stereotypical TV Cook (not
unlike Paul Rankin himself I may add) acting all camp and pretensious.
Paul is looking really pissed off by this stage, I should add, as he
frantically tries to salvage some kind of dish from the diced lobster and
the ill-fated pasta. As Muppet stirs some vile sauce-like concoction,
Paul patronises Charlie by explaining how to beat eggs, basically
attempting to take over the whole dish in a desperate pitch to win the
game. Charlie just stands behind him chin in hand, going "OH YES!" in an
ultra-sarcastic way. It's about time someone brought TV Cooks down the
level of mere mortals and Charles Lawson is just the man to do it! Paul
is at boiling point!!!
Charlie hits the wine again (!!!) as Muppet & Nick unveil their creation,
a foul looking lump of Toad In The Hole-esque muck covered in chivey
sauce accompanied by the aforementioned stuffed Yorkies laced in treacle.
Remind me *never* to accept an invitation for dinner from Ms Griffin (as
if she'd ask, after this berating!!)... It's the 10 second countdown!
Paul is craving a slab of valium, Charles is downing the wine as if
he's... err... well, Jim McDonald, really and Nick & Muppet are hugging
each other, proud of their tripe which they call "Northern Soul".
Time's up and it's the taste test. Muppet tastes the "Northern Soul" and
makes a serious dent in it, wolfing it down like Mr Creosote from
Python's "Meaning Of Life". Predictably she loves it, but then again,
considering the audience only have her word to go on for when they judge
it, she *would* say she loves it! The lobster/pasta mix on the other side
is looking marginally better than expected but is obviously far from
gourmet. Paul, bitterly, Christens it "Lawson's Ludicrous Lobster".
Charlie tastes it and, once again in a cruel mockery of TV Cookery shows,
feigns delight when he obviously is disgusted by it. Paul says something
about "The sweet taste really works, surprisingly" after which he is
thoroughly blasted off the stage by a sarcastic tirade from Charlie along
the lines of "Oh yeah, who'd have ever thought about putting tomato
ketchup on seafood? What a great idea!"
It's voting time and the audience have little cards with green peppers
and red tomatoes on them. They wave them in the air and it looks like a
50/50 split to me. However, in the quickest mathematical calculation in
the History Of Mankind, Fern deduces that the Green Peppers are the
winners. It's obviously a fix!!! Charlie fakes tears as he is presented
with a giant wooden spoon prize. The £1000 cheque goes to a Breast Cancer
fund, Ms Griffin's chosen cause, all of which charitable kindness makes
me realise that there really is a point to this whole programme. In
fact, at the end of it, I sat in front of the box, Stella Artois in hand
and thought "You know what? I totally enjoyed that!"
All in all, genuine entertainment albeit thoroughly INSANE! Charles
Lawson is an absolute star, I will never say a bad word about him again,
so I won't!! (Incidentally, he went the whole show without saying "So it
is!")!
--
"Revoulution!!! The Red In The Sky Is Ours!
The Red In The Sky Is Ours 'Til The End Of Time!"
- At The Gates **** rattl...@hotmail.com
Peter Dewhirst
Rattler) wrote:
>All in all, genuine entertainment albeit thoroughly INSANE! Charles
>Lawson is an absolute star, I will never say a bad word about him again,
>so I won't!! (Incidentally, he went the whole show without saying "So it
>is!")!
I wish I'd seen it!
Now, Chris, lad, I think you've just passed the second audition for
update writer - I'll be on holiday for the second Monday in August,
how about doing my update?
Please?
--
Dewey
'The value of tulips can go down as well as up'
Sir Royston of Cropper, 29th June 1998.
Alan Milewczyk
>All in all, genuine entertainment albeit thoroughly INSANE! Charles
>Lawson is an absolute star, I will never say a bad word about him again,
>so I won't!! (Incidentally, he went the whole show without saying "So it
>is!")!
>
Wonderful stuff Chris..... brill write up.... it *was* a great show
and Charles Lawson was a real gem, unlike Ms Griffiths who was a pain.
Like you, I'll never say a bad word about the guy again, so I won't...
--
Regards
Alan (ICQ UIN 10440270)
* Alan Milewczyk
* al...@prosper.demon.co.uk http://www.prosper.demon.co.uk/
* Greetings from Glorious Glossop in the High Peak, Derbyshire, UK
Alan Milewczyk
>Now, Chris, lad, I think you've just passed the second audition for
>update writer - I'll be on holiday for the second Monday in August,
>how about doing my update?
>Please?
Get in the queue!!
John Laird
>
> peterd...@dial.pipex.com (Peter Dewhirst) wrote:
>
> >Now, Chris, lad, I think you've just passed the second audition for
> >update writer - I'll be on holiday for the second Monday in August,
> >how about doing my update?
> >Please?
> Get in the queue!!
Uh-oh. Two weeks holiday for me coming up in August as well...
--
John Laird (jo...@yrl.co.uk) "I have discovered a truly elegant sig,
Yezerski Roper Ltd sadly there is no room here to show it."
http://www.yrl.co.uk
The Rattler
peterd...@dial.pipex.com says...
> I wish I'd seen it!
I wish I'd taped it!
> Now, Chris, lad, I think you've just passed the second audition for
> update writer - I'll be on holiday for the second Monday in August,
> how about doing my update?
> Please?
Hehe... Ok, as long as no one else has any objections I'd be more than
happy to lend a hand. :) I know CP asked me to do one too sometime in the
near future, so as long as that doesn't fall on the same week, there
shouldn't be a problem. Glad you enjoyed the world's first "Ready Steady
Cook!" update. :)
--
"Sprinkle with hundreds & thousands,
Eat just as much as you can,
Slice after slice, it's all very nice,
The icing is sweet & there's flies in the marzipan"
annie
>Lawson is an absolute star, I will never say a bad word about him again,
>so I won't!! (Incidentally, he went the whole show without saying "So it
>is!")!
Superb Chris!
A well written commentary, of a really funny show.
"Fee" was so incredibly hopeless!
Annie
Gregory Wadden
some cooking show.
Wow! That had me acutally laughing til I was crying! What a star!
Before anyone else asks Chris to fill in as an updater, I have had an
idea. Recently Barbara mentioned how Coronation Street the TV show only
shows 2 hours a week of life on Coronation Street (the street, but let's
not get into that again).
I want to see someone (preferrably The Rattler) do updates of what goes on
between the shows and in the lives of the characters who don't appear in
each episode. Gives some scope for creativity, non?
Greggy :)
Gillian Hardy
that on Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:39:13 +0100, rattl...@hotmail.com (The
Rattler) had been moved to write:
>"Ready, Steady, Cook" - 17/07/98.
<snippy poos>
Of course the Rattker was telling it like it was, so it was, on
Friday.
Charles Lawson was hilarious (about time, somebody famous or not,was
on Read Steady Cook spending 4.99 on one item - and she didn't even
mention chasing Madonna on the M62...) unlike trying to play bowling
when half cut is easier than it sounds...) About time showed made the
chefs on RSC work for their performance fee. Angela Griffin just
seemed concerned in how she looked and came across. Boriong boring
boring.
<my apologies en polska for really crap Polish (of course, lack of
consentants means 'Countdown en Polska', though I bet you don't know
the Polish for mushroom, ha!)
Go Magdalena (my only clue)
*** Gillian *** *** VOTE AUDREY!!! ***
Emmerdale Visual Updates Page - http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/9108
Gillian Hardy
had been moved to write:
>The Rattler <rattl...@hotmail.com> wrote an amazing little symopsis of
>some cooking show.
I'll ask at work if anyone went to see Tilly at Club Mirage t'other
week I'll count fellow Abba/Liza fan out sadly)
.
The Rattler
> Wow! That had me acutally laughing til I was crying! What a star!
Wow, brilliant! Good to hear it. :))
> I want to see someone (preferrably The Rattler) do updates of what goes on
> between the shows and in the lives of the characters who don't appear in
> each episode. Gives some scope for creativity, non?
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh... The idea is a good one but I have a feeling it
would end up offending people in some way. I know how angry people on
here (myself included!!) get when the script-writers do something to
their favourite character, I reckon it'd be ten times worse if some i
internet hack was doing it!! :)
Glad you enjoyed the Cooking Update though. Made my day to know I made
someone cry with laughter. :)
Gillian Hardy
(Gillian Hardy) had been moved to write:
><my apologies en polska for really crap Polish (of course, lack of
>consentants means 'Countdown en Polska', though I bet you don't know
>the Polish for mushroom, ha!)
sorry, I was talking to my sister while typing this and obviously
didn't know what I was doing (which happens a lot to be fair). We
have a reccurring joke about 'Countdown En Polska' whihc basically
goes "consonant Carol, and another consonant, and perhaps another
consonant" etc. Alan Milecywzunspellablelastname will understand. :-)
Gillian Hardy
(Gillian Hardy) had been moved to write:
>I'll ask at work if anyone went to see Tilly at Club Mirage t'other
>week
There was someone at work who went (I won't name them seeing as it'a
bit embarrassing for them) and the report will be typed shortly.
Alan Milewczyk
><my apologies en polska for really crap Polish (of course, lack of
>consentants means 'Countdown en Polska', though I bet you don't know
>the Polish for mushroom, ha!)
I do, so there!!
Gillian Hardy
Milewczyk) had been moved to write:
(re Polish mushrooms)
>I do, so there!!
back onto RSC - who eventually won between Fi and Jim? I seem to have
missed this in the thread.
Alan Milewczyk
>
>back onto RSC - who eventually won between Fi and Jim? I seem to have
>missed this in the thread.
>
>
>*** Gillian *** *** VOTE AUDREY!!! ***
>Emmerdale Visual Updates Page - http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/9108
>
well . this is what Chris The Rattler posted
It's voting time and the audience have little cards with green peppers
and red tomatoes on them. They wave them in the air and it looks like
a
50/50 split to me. However, in the quickest mathematical calculation
in
the History Of Mankind, Fern deduces that the Green Peppers are the
winners. It's obviously a fix!!! Charlie fakes tears as he is
presented
with a giant wooden spoon prize. The £1000 cheque goes to a Breast
Cancer
fund, Ms Griffin's chosen cause, all of which charitable kindness
makes
me realise that there really is a point to this whole programme. In
fact, at the end of it, I sat in front of the box, Stella Artois in
hand
and thought "You know what? I totally enjoyed that!"
R.J....@durham.ac.uk
>
> "Ready, Steady, Cook" - 17/07/98.
>
> For those unfortunate enough to not have witnessed this classic episode
> of the hit UK speed-cookery show, here's the lowdown!
>
i sadly missed]. Having never been a fan of mr rankin[hmmm what does
that rhyme with] I would now like to suggest a celebrity episode of
'Changing Rooms'.
May I suggest the wonderful Charles Lawson being teamed up with the only
man with a bigger ego and lack of taste than Paul Rankin, the one and
only Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. Oh what a joy that would be, so it would.
This is a man whose design for someones room was met with the immortal
phrase...."F**ing hell, it looks like a whores bedroom!'. I would love
to see those two being teamed up. Any other ideas for teaming up on
celebrity shows?
Ruth
Mike Holden
>The Rattler wrote:
>>
>> "Ready, Steady, Cook" - 17/07/98.
>>
>> For those unfortunate enough to not have witnessed this classic episode
>> of the hit UK speed-cookery show, here's the lowdown!
>>
>I have just wet myself laughing at Chris' description of the show[which
>i sadly missed]. Having never been a fan of mr rankin[hmmm what does
>that rhyme with] I would now like to suggest a celebrity episode of
>'Changing Rooms'.
>May I suggest the wonderful Charles Lawson being teamed up with the only
>man with a bigger ego and lack of taste than Paul Rankin, the one and
>only Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. Oh what a joy that would be, so it would.
>
>This is a man whose design for someones room was met with the immortal
>phrase...."F**ing hell, it looks like a whores bedroom!'. I would love
>to see those two being teamed up. Any other ideas for teaming up on
>celebrity shows?
Excellent idea! Lawrence will forever be known as D'artagnion (sp?) i
nour house after being called that by one of the contestants a week or
two ago (owing to his penchant for wearing huge floppy collars and
cuffs on his shirt, and velvet jackets)!
OT: How come they were known as Musketeers, when they spent all their
time swordfighting? Musketeer is defined (in my Oxford disctionary) as
someone who uses a musket. Changing Rooms should be worth watching
next week, as my understanding is that one team will openly admit on
the program that they hate it! They have been mentioned in the papers
as having already ripped most of it out already! Regular viewers must
be amazed (I certainly am) at what they will verbally admit to loving,
where their face and body language clearly shows other opinions!
--
Mike Holden, Manchester, England
mike....@lightace.globalnet.co.uk
What's the use of gettin' sober, when you're gonna get drunk again?