B&B: Rogue's Mon. and Tuesday

[James G. Acker]

(I have no idea who wrote this.)

The Rogue Report, covering "The Bold and the Beautiful"
for Monday, November 14, and Tuesday, November 15:

by the Shameless Rogue

GIGANTIC LIPS MAKE SLIPS, or
IVANA CAN'T GET NO THORNYFACTION

In Thorne's dingy office, Stephanie has encountered
Toothville, otherwise known as Ivana. She tells Stephanie
that she and Thorne are sweet on each other. It's a candy
thing. She's hoping to connect with Thorne on every in-
your-face possible. Stephanie thanks Ivana for letting Jose
Eber mess with Jessica's hair, and Ivana says it's the least
she can do, she and Jose go way back. Jessica looks great,
and it helped lift her spirits, which have been down because
she can't see Dylan very often. Stephanie catches this
fumble and says she's still seeing Dylan? Ivana says "did I
say very often? I meant to say she can't screen Dylan's
horny love-calls. No? How about she can't see Dylan
wearin' nothin'? Oops, that's not what I meant, she can't
see Dylan as Harry Hamlin. Still not buying it? How about
I meant to say she can't see Dylan's hairy... oh, I give
up!" Stephanie wants to know where the clandestine meetings
have been taking place. Ivana wants to know how to spell
"clandestine". I mean, Stephanie sighs, where have Dylan
and Jessica been meeting in secret? Is Secret anywhere
near Reseda? Ivana asks. Just tell me where Jessica goes to
meet Dylan, Stephanie orders. Jessica wouldn't like that,
Ivana says, and she's my friend. Besides, I don't know
where they've been meeting. Temporarily stymied, Stephanie
tells Ivana she'll handle this.
Stephanie gets on the answering maching to the DA lady
and says that she found it that Dylan is still in the
company of the fair non-virginal Princess Jessica. Rally
the knights to put this knave in the tower! she orders.
Actually, she tells the DA she knows how to deal with him.

I'LL TAKE A BOTTLE, or
IF SHE'S SELLIN', I'M BUYIN'

Under the Macy/Thorne Rotterdam concert poster, Macy
delivers drinks, trying to keep her ailing pipes open with
tea. They discuss all the working and planning that has to
be done before the trip. And the travel arrangements. Macy
can't believe that it is really happening, that she's making
her dreams come true and NOT working in a beer brewery, with
Thorne's help. After all that we've been through, it just
comes down to me and you -- is that on our song list? Nope,
we've been hubby and wifey, but after that song ended then
we became friends and you bailed me out of the drunk tank.
Thorne thanks her for the opportunity to have some fun.
It's time to work. But about those travel arrangements...
there are tons of museums, and Rembrandt all over the place.
They use toothpaste to clean the museums? No, silly, the
painter! Macy wants to see "The Night Watch", her favorite
flavor of Rembrandt. Gosh, you know, except for the non-
stop nookie, this'll be just like a honeymoon! Macy flirts.
Thorne, not wanting to appear too hard up, says there will
be separate rooms in the hotel, definitely, Thorne says.
You sure about that, Tiger? Macy asks. Then she says it's
probably better that way.

They rehearse their stage moves, singing "What's
Forever For" for about forever. Should they turn and face
the audience at the end? Weak. Okay, they turn and look at
each other. Still weak. The audience wants romance, so
let's give them some romance. Let's kiss at the end. So
they do the last verse AGAIN, and then they kiss like
Michael J. Fox kissing his mother in "Back to the Future".
Not what the audience desires. They want molten, steaming,
fiery, hot throbbing passion (well, I do, anyway), so the
least we can do is kiss like we mean it. We've got to sell
it and sell it good, baby. One more time for the song, and
then Thorne targets Macy's lips with an on-target smackeroo.
Macy returns with feeling, then returns with some more go-
for-it gusto, and before you can say "molten steaming fiery
hot throbbing passion" five times slowly, Thorne and Macy
have given the sound engineer a lesson in Advanced
Osculatory Technique. When they finally peel their lips off
of each other, they've got a major "deer in the headlights
of a 747" look on their faces.

DEPARTURES CAN BE SUCH SICKLY-SWEET SORROW

In their palatial room (well hey, it is a palace)
Brooke and Ridge prepare for imminent departure. Ridge says
he's ready to get back and see the kids, and besides, Prince
Omar has been acting a little flakey. Brooke says he may be
eccentric, but he's a nice guy, and that Layla should snap
him up as soon as she figures out who she is. In fact,
Brooke says, why don't we find Layla and tell her exactly
that? Ridge is busting to get on the plane, so he says as
soon as we're packed, if we have time, we can go Layla
looking. Brooke, giving a chirp like a sparrow, smiles and
rushes to pack.

STACKING THE DECK AGAINST HER, or
YEAH, HER DECK *IS* STACKED

In her room, Omar is trying to ultimately convince
Taylor that despite the fact Ridge still cherishes her
memory, death is like a major bummer, and so his heart
chambers have been re-arranged to accomodate Brooke and the
kids. If Taylor comes back, she'll only force him to add
another chamber, and that has deleterious effects on the
poor man's circulation. Why don't you just stay out of
circulation and let him get on with his life/wife? Taylor
is still convinced that if she shows up unannounced, Ridge
will denounce the trollop and come back to her with a great
big... wallop. We can just move to someplace above the
Arctic Circle and visit for Christmas -- I'm sure Tim Allen
will give us a ride. Anyways, it'll work out, and Taylor
swears her total subservience to Ridge's loins. She tells
Omar that she's not half the woman she used to be without
him. Omar tells her that if she goes back, she'll be
approximately 0.47998823828 of the woman she used to be,
even less than half! To encourage her to stay in Morocco,
Omar tells her that his loins will serv(ice) her every need,
and furthermore, she can now take up a new life where she
should, because she came to fulfill a purpose in his life,
taking care of the orphans, etc. He tells her that she will
only augment her pain if she goes back, and she'll also make
a lot more people miserable. Give it up, woman! Taylor,
who hasn't given it up since the plane went down, is teary-
cheeked, but she doesn't give in. She takes off. Omar has
apparently given the entire guard brigade the day off, so
she gets into the palace proper.

THE ARABIAN SIGHTS, or
ALL'S VEIL THAT ENDS VEIL

Brooke and Ridge, in traveling duds, meet Prince Omar
in the foyer. They've packed their bags and they're ready
to go. They thank him for his heapin' helpin' of
hospitality and invite him to come around again and set a
spell if he ever visits the Beverly Hills with their
swimming pools and movie stars. Omar promises that he will.
Ridge mentions that they wanted to meet Layla and tell her
to marry his rich butt fast, but they ran out of time, darn
the luck. All of a sudden, a woman in a gown and full veil
(which is unusual, considering that not one other woman in
Morocco has been shown wearing a veil!) materializes on the
steps. She greets the trio. Omar is sweating profusely and
asks what milady is planning to do (and why did I give the
guards the day off!?) She says she shust vanted to say goud
bay. Brooke and Ridge say hello and goodbye to Layla, who
apologizes for having been comatose after ALMOST HAVING DIED
IN A PLANE ACCIDENT NEAR CAIRO, and just now back on her
feet, like a VIRGIN, having just gotten off the COUCH. She
looks at Ridge's shirt and says oh, you've torn it, you
should see a TAILOR. PSYCHE! Well, gotta catch the plane,
they say, but Layla grabs Ridge's arm. They lock corneas
bold-Ly and don't blink. After a stare, Layla kneels at
Ridge's feet. Omar is a puddle of perspiration. More eye-
locking, but Ridge doesn't see heaven in her eyes, or even
somebody he just used to know, so he turns away. But he
gives one more glance at the door, shakes his head, mutters
"The veil isn't familiar, but I think I've seen those
hooters somewhere before," and goes out the door. Taylor
unveils, and looks tearily at Omar.

Tune into tomorrow, when Brad Bell says:

"No way am I going to have Ridge see Taylor again in
the MIDDLE of sweeps month!"

And on to "Tora! Tora! Tora!" Tuesday:

NOTE: no, it's not a mistake. There were no scenes with
Brooke, Ridge, Taylor, or Prince Omar. Absolutely amazing,
isn't it???

FORCED BUSSING, or
IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, LOSE THE BLOUSE, or
IT TAKES TWO TO TONGUE-TANGO

Instant real-time replay of the Macy-Thorne end-of-song
Love Connection lip connection, at the end of which Thorne
tells the sound engineer to take five while they hose down.
Macy tries to put her head back on straight, and Thorne
suggests that maybe they ought to stick with the original
stage directions. Good idea, Macy says, Don might not go
for it if we have an extended foreplay session at the end of
every song. They try to shake some sense back into their
heads and cool the fires of passion. Thorne says lets try
song #3 for $300, Alex. He starts crooning into ANOTHER
song about love lasting forever ("When I Fall in Love..."),
but quits and tells Macy they have to talk about the kiss.
They can't pretend it just didn't happen.

Macy says they can pretend it wasn't important, because
they've been working closely and intensely together for the
last several weeks, and they've been closer than any time
since the Big D, and I don't mean Dallas. They just felt
the moment, and got carried away. They'll just have to be
really careful and not let it, or other acts of intense
powerful hot pulsating incredible molten liquid desire,
happen again. O.K., Thorne says, we'll try to keep cool.
Next song? No, Macy says, I've got to see a doctor about my
pipes. Wouldn't a plumber be a better choice? Thorne asks.
No, I mean my larnyx, esophagus, trachea, and assorted
structures. See you later! Macy walks out, and the male
audience can't help noticing that she's wearing tight black
leather slacks. Hooray for Hollywood!

MEANWHILE, BACK IN PLOTLINE LIMBO

At Spectra, Anthony is doing what he does best,
designing while pining. He has a fit of artistic pique
because his designs don't fit. Sally spies him at the
office door and asks what the genius is designing these
days. The boys down at Goodyear wanted a new cover for the
blimp, and they thought I'd be just the man, Anthony says.
But I'm not into it, I'm wondering about Macy. Sally says
Macy has been busy getting ready for the Rotterdam concerto,
and Anthony says she sure has, to the exclusion of all other
people and any romantic encounters of a physical kind.
Sally says once the concert and tour are over, they'll all
get back to normal. Anthony realizes that Sally might be
going too? Yes, I might be the MC (Mistress of
Circumference) for the show. Anthony tells her that it'd be
nice if he got an invite to Rotterdam, too. Sally thinks it
just slipped Macy's mind, but she'll get around to it soon.
Anthony thinks that Macy might not want him to go.
Nonsense, she's got too much to think about. Like me, Sally
segues, I'm worried about the court proceedings. Dylan's
being arraigned today. And he's _hurting_. That's O.K.,
Anthony says, he's a stud, a tough kid, he's got mucho
macho. Sally says it's unfair, because Stephanie set him up
for this. Well, you know what they say, Anthony says (cue
Audrey Hepburn's stunt singer):

"ARRAIGNED IN PAIN STAYS MANLY THOUGH HE'S FRAMED!"

[Oh, that felt GOOD!]

Anthony wants to know if they can kill the updater.
No, he wants to know why Sally isn't in court. Sally says
that if Stephanie sniffs out the relationship between her
and Dylan, there will be hell to pay.

After a break, AA and Sally are looking over designs,
but Sally's mind isn't on it. She's still worried about the
coutroom proceedings. She can't wait to get Dylan off, so
those two kids who are in love can be together in every
sense of the ah! sweet mystery of life at last I have found
you! word. She hopes that Connor has got his ducks in a
row.

IF YOU'RE AN EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT SPECIALIST, WHY DO I
HAVE TO DISROBE, DOCTOR?
BECAUSE I'M AFRAID YOUR BLOUSE AND SLACKS ARE
RESTRICTING YOUR BREATHING, NOT TO MENTION ACCELERATING MY
HEART RATE DANGEROUSLY

At the aforementioned doctor's office, the impossible
happens. The nurse questions Macy about her throat
condition, and then tells her the doctor will be in shortly.
The doctor arrives in the examining room TWO SECONDS LATER!
(This stretches the bounds of credibility, in my opinion.)
Anyways, Macy says she's having trouble being a Golden-
Throated Warbler, she sounds more like a catbird. She
explains that she's been rehearsing for a big shoe, a really
big shoe. Doctor Pipes has her say "aaaahhhhhh", and Macy
says "shouldn't you be looking down my throat instead of
down my cleavage?" Ah, er, exactly right. After a cursory
examination, the doc recommends X-rays and a throat swab.
Macy hopes it isn't strep throat, that would put a crimp in
her high notes. Doc sends her down the hall for the
examinations (they can do this in one day? Where IS this
clinic?)
Post-procedures, Macy is still clad in tight black
leather pants. Just thought I'd mention that. Anyways,
she's waiting for the doctor to come back with her results.
She goes into the hall looking for Doc Pipes, but the nurse
says he'll be there soon. He's there soon! Macy wants to
know what the results where, but the Doc wants to run more
diagnostics before replacing her alternator. I don't have
time for extensive under-the-hood work, Doc, can't you just
change the oil and get me on the road? Doc Pipes says
somberly that they've detected an irregularity. Uh-oh.
(If I were Macy, I'd go to another clinic. She came in for
a throat check-up and now he's talking lower
gastrointestinal tract. I don't think this doctor knows
which end is, ah, up.)

SHALL WE BOMB PEARL HARBOR NOW, JUDGE? or
AT LEAST IT WON'T TAKE LONG TO FIND JURORS

In court, Connor is with his briefcase and Dylan. He
tells Dylan this should be quick, it's a simple one-count
indictment of sex with a minor (thinking "man, if they knew
how many cheerleaders I've scored on..."). Should be in-
and-out, sorry about the choice of words there, done with
this in five minutes. You don't even have to say a thing.
At this point, Stephanie, Ms. Emerson, and Jessica enter.
Stephanie is shocked to find Public Enemy Lawyer Number One
(Connor) representing Puberty Enemy Number One (Dylan).

The bailiff introduces Admiral Yamamoto, actually Judge
Adam Yamamoto. Uh, a Los Angeles Superior Court Oriental
judge with glasses who's name ends in "-to"? How original.
Anyways, he calls the first case, and it's the People vs.
Dylan Shaw. Connor and Ms. Emerson do the legal thing,
client pleads not guilty, no pre-trial motions, I read the
indictment in the limo, want to see the papers, discovery
can take place tomorrow, should be ready to go in a couple
of weeks, want to get this cleared up quick so Connor will
represent client's rights to a speedy trial, etc. That's
about it. Client is free on $10,000 bond. That's alright
with you, Asst. DA? Ms. Emerson is about to confirm when
Stephanie, who has been tugging on her sleeve the whole
time, says "Hold it, Judge, there's something important."
The Admiral is not pleased. He tells Stephanie that she
can't say anything in court. But she persists, and saying
it's highly irregular, gives Emerson five minutes to shut
the bit... lady up. Dylan asks what's up, and Connor says
it don't look good, whatever it is.
In the hall, Stephanie says that despite her efforts,
she's found out that Dylan and Jessica are still seeing each
other! Zounds! Will the end of civilization as we know it
be next? Ms. Emerson, being concerned about civilization,
vows to do whatever she can to set things right.

Meanwhile, Jessica slides over to Dylan's side of the
court and they talk a bit. Connor learns from this
conversation that Dylan and Jessica have still been seeing
each other in a clandestine manner (he knows what
"clandestine" means, too). This is like, not good.
Stephanie doesn't know, does she? Dylan thinks like, no,
she doesn't. Better hope so.
Having torpedoed the next case, Judge Yamamoto gets
back to the Shaw thing. He asks if Ms. Emerson got things
straightened out. Yes, they have. Ms. Emerson proceeds to
state that it has come to the guardian's attention that the
fair maiden, er, victim, er, minor is still seeing the
major, i.e., that scum Shaw. Yamamoto asks Jessica directly
if it's true. Jessica asks Connor if she has to answer
that, but the judge points out that Connor doesn't represent
her, he's asking her and he's the judge. She looks at
Dylan, who counsels truth. She admits the awful truth.
Emerson asks for revocation of bond and for Dylan to be held
in the clink until trial. Yamamoto, wisely knowing that
there isn't much room in the Fleiss-Simpson wing, says he
can't do that, but he can place a protective order on Mr.
Shaw. He can't talk to, meet with, or even phone Jessica!
(There's always the Internet, Dylan!) If he does, he's in
jail until trial. Do you understand? Stunned Dylan takes a
minute to process this, while Jessica gets really sad.
That's it, says the judge, let's invade Midway now. See you
in a couple of weeks. Time to go. Forlorn Jessica tells
Dylan "I love you!" to which Dylan gives a mouth-movement
silent "I love you too," in reply. Ms. Emerson drags
Jessica out the door, allowing Stephanie to have the last
glare at Dylan.

Turn over tomorrow, when civilization as we know it
ends, caused by a really terrible pun.