MSTed: Political UpDate [2/3]
David Patrick Young
-+-MSTed: Political UpDate, Part 2
> The week before, Willow had called me up on the phone to tell me
> she had discovered something about herself,
TOM: [Jazz hi-hat rhythm]
CROW: [Announcer voice] Willow has a problem. Down there. Willow wasn't
careful, and now she must tell Mike.
> that she was a
> classiest. She only thought upwardly-mobil men were attractive.
MIKE: So she likes gas-station attendants?
> She said that there was no way she could fall in love with a blue
ALL: <Ahem> Um...uh...well...
> collar worker.
TOM: Oh. Whew!
> She wanted to be involved with a man who was well
> educated, had good taste, and money.
CROW: ...and a really large...
MIKE: Crow!!
CROW: What?! I was gonna say "house!"
> So it was quit ironic for her
> to now tell me that she was in love with a poor Indian who was so
> poor that he was living with his parents!
MIKE: Hey, that doesn't mean he's poor! I mean, maybe he's only six years
old or something!
TOM: Oh, GEEEZ, Mike!
> He is hoping on going to
> nursing school so that he can make a living, but his real interest
> is to get the state of Vermont
CROW: Whoa, pretty lofty goals...
> to give his tribe some land and the
> rights to build a gambling casino so that they will have an
> income. Willow has always been interested in Native American
> rituals
MIKE: Uh, yeah, we saw that already, thanks.
> and has studied with a number of medicine men and woman,
TOM: Oh, I really wish you hadn't said that.
> so
> I could see why he would be attracted to her.
>
> She came to me to help her think out what she should do.
MIKE: ...which I thought was a pretty good joke.
> Years ago
> she had moved to Amherst to start a relationship with a man who was
> a musician,
CROW: Oh boy, flashback time. Get comfortable.
> but as soon as she got here, he went off with another
> woman. It took her years to get over the depression of being in
> Amherst
MIKE: Yeah, that IS rough!
> and being alone. Now she is established in Amherst and her
> friends and connections are located around here.
CROW: The ones that will admit to knowing her, anyway.
> So she asked,
> "What should I do now that I have found someone who loves me?
> Should she move to Vermont to be with him and live in poverty for
> the rest of my life?"
TOM: REPLY HAZY -- ASK AGAIN LATER
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the most convoluted sentence in the English
language!
> She informed me that she took the questions
> to a deck of tarot cards.
TOM: Relationship counseling, 10 cents. The cards are [IN].
> The cards said that if she wanted power
> she should stay on her path and have multiple partners,
CROW: She's not talking about dancing, is she?
MIKE: Well, you could call it that...
> but if she
> wanted love, she should be with the one who loves her.
TOM: But if you can't be with the one you love...
ALL: [Singing] Love the one you're with! Love the one you're with!
>
> So the cards were saying that love and power are separate issues.
TOM: Diddly dur-hay!
> This seems to be the way love and power are seen in traditional
> thinking. If a woman wants power, she must stand
CROW: ...on five-inch spiked heels wearing a leather suit and holding
a whip!
MIKE: I don't think that's the kind of power she's talking about, Crow.
CROW: Well, it works for me.
> away from the
> patriarchy and sacrifice her love life for her authorship. If she
> wants love, she has to submit to his struggle, be his helpmate,
TOM: Do his dishes, clean his house, wash his clothes...
> and
> forget about your own creative desires.
MIKE: Wait, MY creative desires are an issue among women?
> This is what Hillary
> Clinton has done which is why she and her husband are *not* are
CROW: Is that like Was (Not Was)?
> revolutionary force for change. So I asked Willow, "What is your
> mission in life?" She stared at me as if she didn't have any idea
MIKE: [Ditzy-blonde voice] Oh, y'know, like, to do stuff!
> and said she didn't know. "What is the purpose for you coming
> together with Mike?"
ALL: <Ahem> Er...um...uh...
> I asked. She felt that it was because they
> had a spiritual connection with each other and with the Earth.
TOM: And then there was the sex, don't forget that.
CROW: I only wish I could.
> She
> could see herself battling with the government to get the tribal
> land back. With the money from the casino, she thought they could
> build a spiritual center where the tribe could meet.
MIKE: If not, well, they could always have sex again...
CROW and TOM: NO!! Please!
> I encouraged
> her to follow love
TOM: ...also known as sex...
CROW: They are, after all, one and the same.
> because there she would find the true power
> which was in no way impotent,
TOM: WHOA!!
MIKE: Uh...um...
CROW: Can she SAY that?!
> but social. Nevertheless, in order
> for love to last, he must always defer to her Wisdom.
TOM: "He?" Who's "he?"
CROW: Ummm...let's see...love?
TOM: Love is a "he?"
CROW: Well...not exactly, but...
TOM: And wouldn't that mean that "love" is a name, and should be spelled
with a capital L?
CROW: Perhaps, but...
TOM: I mean, she spelled Wisdom with a capital W, right?
CROW: Well, she could be talking about the movie.
TOM: OH! OK, I see what you're...WHAT?!?!
MIKE: Guys, guys, you're missing the good part.
CROW: Oh yeah, I'm sure.
>
> But I knew what she was faced with. If she moved up there she
> might have to get some stupid job and then she wouldn't have enough
> time and energy to write her books.
CROW: Yeah, but there'd be drippin' hot monkey love every day! How hard
could this decision be?
> So was it better for her to
> stay here where she has a house to live in and she has the *time*
TOM: It is very *squishy* to see you.
MIKE and CROW: Huh?
> to be creative, or should she move there she might have erotic
> love, but no time and money to do anything creative?
CROW: Go for the box!
TOM: The curtain!
MIKE: Just take the cash!
>
> When I tried to tell her that I might be in a similar situation,
CROW: ...only without all that stuff about a man...
> she said that I really didn't have a relationship with you
MIKE: Whoa! You got THAT right! I'm not ready for commitment just yet...
> since I
> had never seen you or touched you or even heard your voice.
TOM: In fact, you don't even exist.
> She
> said that you were just a fantasy.
MIKE: But...but...I'm REAL, I swear!
> Max said the same thing to me
> this afternoon. He has been trying to have sex with me for years
CROW: So, does Max have, say, a job?
TOM: Nope, he just lies around all day, trying to have sex with Miss
Communism.
MIKE: That's "Doctress Neutopia."
TOM: [chuckles] Oh yeah.
> and when I told him about our Cyborgasm,
MIKE: Isn't that a copyright violation?
CROW: Oh, and how do you know about Cyborgasm, Mike?
MIKE: Well...I've, uh, heard about it, you know...
> he said that we must be
> two social misfits and that you must be a some kind of nerd.
TOM: [Nerd voice] I prefer "Socially-challenged individual bearing a pocket
protector."
> He
> thinks that because I can not find satisfaction with local men that
> I have now searched the world for a long-distance
MIKE: ...phone company that will respect me as an individual.
> lover who I will
> never have to see.
CROW: Ohhhh, she's looking for an imaginary friend!
> Max thinks that words lie
TOM: [Singing] Words are very unnecessary...
MIKE: [Announcer voice] Words don't lie. PEOPLE lie.
> and that you probably
> have numerous girl friends.
MIKE: [Macho voice] Well, I do my best...
CROW: [Laughs] Mike, may I remind you that you're trapped in space?
MIKE: No, Crow, you may not.
> He believes that there is no way one
> can find love through a machine.
CROW: WHOA!
TOM: [Laughs]
MIKE: Uh, I don't think we wanna get into that.
>
> Friday night I was invited to be part of a poetry reading happening
> in town at the Cafe Mediterranean. The students have just gotten
CROW: ...drunk off their asses...
> back from summer vacation and now the school year has started up
> again. So I brought with me a few poems to read, but when I got to
> the podium,
TOM: ...they were stolen from my hand and burned before I could begin.
MIKE and CROW: Thank God.
> I didn't want to read anything.
CROW: I just stood there and stared. Then I picked my nose...
MIKE: Crow!
> I wanted to talk about
> real poetry, the poetry of global intimacy happening between us on
> the Net.
TOM: No, no, no!!
MIKE: Not again! Please!
CROW: Mike, it's starting over!
MIKE: Nothing I can do, buddy...
> I began by asking how many of them had Internet accounts.
> Two people out of 30 people raised their hands.
TOM: [Makes exploding noises]
CROW: [British accent] Lesson 1: Do not raise your hand.
> So I started to
> tell them about what it was like to have a Cyberlover.
MIKE: You should've SEEN how fast the room emptied!
> The
> audience was deadly quiet
CROW: Well, yeah! They all left!
> as I described to them about being part
> of the global Superorganism.
TOM: Not with the sex again! No!
MIKE: She said "orgaNIsm," Tom.
TOM: Oh. Whew!
> I explained to them how the global
> gene/meme pool was changing the nature of romance.
CROW: Now, even freaks like ME are having sex!
> Then I informed
> them about the MUD/MOO scene and how our exchange grew to wanting
> to have intercourse with each other.
MIKE: That'll happen.
> After we found a MOO
MIKE: And.......GO!
TOM: Mail-Order Octopus!
CROW: Missing Over Ohio!
MIKE: Mostly Orange Organ!
TOM: My Oral Obstruction!
CROW: Merlin Olsen's Orgasm!
TOM: [Makes vomiting sounds]
MIKE: OK, I think that's enough.
> where we
> felt comfortable, then we were able to build a room by the sea.
> There we took off our clothes and express our erotic passion for
> each other.
TOM: You must've looked pretty funny sitting naked in front of a
computer!
> I said that this was not a pornographic experience
> because we had develop a longing for the other through our email
> correspondence.
CROW: Oh yeah, well that justifies...HUH?!
> Both of us felt the need meet each other in person
> to experience real revolutionary orgasms.
MIKE: Thank you, NEXT!!
>
> From there, I enlightened them to our serious problem.
TOM: We're insane. Completely. Certifiable.
> One's
> soulmate, someone who you have perfect harmony with, may be on the
> other side of the world. Now, thanks to computers and the Net, we
> can find that person.
CROW: ...hunt them down, and whip their scrawny little...
MIKE: I don't think that's the idea, Crow.
> But in a capitalist society, if you don't
> have capital you don't have the means to follow your dreams.
TOM: [Sarcasm Overload] Oh, EVERYTHING'S better with communism.
> So I
> said to them that this is one of the core reasons why we must stop
MIKE: ..the insanity!
> capitalism and create a world freedom movement so that lovers can
> unite with each other.
TOM: Gee, I never realized communism was so romantic.
> I finished my speech by saying that I never
> thought I would meet such a pure spirit as you, Geertjan,
CROW: [Marty Moose laugh and voice] That's me!
> and now
> that I have found such a lover, it is an utter tragedy if we can't
> find a way to meet in person to actualize our love.
MIKE: Just wait'll Mr. Geertjan sees what you LOOK like...
> I urged the
> audience to get involved with Cyberspace and join me in pioneering
> the bliss of Cyberlove.
TOM: Then I threw in some more random buzzwords like "interactive" and
said goodnight to all.
> After the reading, me and the high school poetesses and poets
> brainstormed the possibility to holding a "BURN IN" on the Amherst
> Common.
CROW: [Announcer voice] Students throw the law to the wind and recklessly
leave their computer monitors turned on for weeks at a time...WITHOUT
screen savers!
> We would ask people to bring all their bureaucratic stuff
> like birth certificates, social security numbers, car insurance
> papers, student loans forms, tax forms, etc. so that we would
> create a giant bond fire with them
MIKE: Don't forget that oppressive, capitalistic, gender-insensitive
paper money!
> Yes, I *really* liked that idea!
CROW: Yes, I *really* wish you'd shut up!
>
> The next morning Jack gets me out of bed by yelling "Good morning
> Libby" in the window
MIKE: [sings] My Doctress has a first name, it's L-I-B-B-Y...
TOM: [sings] My Doctress has a second name, it's C-R-A-Z-Y...
CROW: [sings] I hate to hear her every day, and if you ask me why I'll say...
ALL: [sing] 'Cause communism has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
MIKE: Ah, we do have fun.
> as I was reading Rosemary Radford Ruether's
TOM: ...Really Raunchy Rhymes!
> book, GAIA & GOD: an Ecofeminist Theology of Earth Healing. He came
> over to show me a copy of the love poem he had written to me about
> the candle sticks.
MIKE: Wait a minute. Jack? Candlesticks? I think I've heard it before.
> So, we talked a little about what was going on
> between him and me. I tried to explain that he and I were having a
> spiritual relationship, but it was not based on Eros.
CROW: In other words, "We should just be friends."
> Then, we went
> into town to do our laundry. We put our clothes into the machines
> and then went to the Town Commons
CROW: ...in the nude...
> because we had heard that there
> was going to be a protest.
>
> Making our way through town, we stopped at a tag sell, a benefit
> for the Friends of Animals. There was a lovely young woman who was
> selling used books for the Friends of Animals.
TOM: Further down, we found the young man selling used animals for the
Friends of Books.
> Beside her were all
> these romance novels. She said that one semester she had taken a
> course on romance novels.
MIKE: They offer COURSES in that?! What school is THIS?!
> They are very popular in the USA because
> woman are so dissatisfied with their love lives. Once you get
> married, the man settles into work and after work he gets drunk and
> watches TV sports.
CROW: Yeah...and?
MIKE: I thought we were SUPPOSED to do that.
> So women read these romance novels to escape
> their dull and meaningless lives. The woman said that in these
> novels the heroine is always strong
TOM: And the weed isn't bad either! Ba-da-BING!
[MIKE and CROW groan]
> and fighting against the
> patriarchy so that she will find her true lover. So thinking of
> you I bought one of them called
CROW: ..._A_Loser_who_Will_Never_Know_the_Touch_of_a_Woman_.
> _Perfect Harmony_.
MIKE: See, the delightful pun is that the main character's NAME
is Harmony!
TOM: Why, that's positively BRILLIANT!
>
> As we made our way through the Farmer's market to the Amherst
> Common, it was time for the rally to begin. The day before, 75
> junior high school students had walked out of classes
CROW: ...to shoot up in the bathrooms.
> in solidarity
> with a Black Moslem girl who some boys tried to strangle while she
> was in the bathroom. They tried to strangled her with the Moslem
> vail she was wearing.
TOM: But she foughted them offed.
> There were about 100 people gathered in the
> Amherst Common. Members of the Socialist Workers Organization were
> there
MIKE: All right! Let the fun begin!
> and one of the leaders told me that he was on the speakers
> list.
>
> The first speaker was
TOM: ...a Bose. It sounded OK.
> a man in the Islamic Church who said some
> important things about how the police did nothing about such acts
> of aggression.
MIKE: I can't exactly recall WHAT he said, but it sure was important!
> He asked parents of go into the classrooms
TOM: ...but the parents didn't know what "of go" was exactly.
> and
> observe what is happening to their children because a lot of the
> teachers are racists.
CROW: Aww, she's talking about actual ISSUES now. That's no fun!
> The Islamic leader of the Black Community
> summed up his speech by saying that we must give due respect to the
> School Administration.
TOM: The crowd laughed hysterically.
> Then he passed
MIKE: ...out!
CROW: ...gas!
TOM: ...a stone!
> the microphone over to the
> Superintendent of the Amherst Schools. The Superintendent gave an
> official speech about how the government was doing its best to stop
> the violence in schools.
CROW: Then he gave an unofficial speech about his dog.
> I couldn't help but think about a quote
> by Martin Luther King, "True peace is not merely the absence of
> tension: It is the presence of justice." The banner in front of
> the rally read:
MIKE: "Rally Today -- Free Hats!"
> "Peace, Truth, and Justice in the Amherst
> Schools", but the official speakers were definitely not reflecting
TOM: ...any light at all. This was frightening to some people.
> the sentiments of the banner. They were trying to make the tension
> go away and stop truth from spreading.
MIKE: This truth being...
>
> At that point, I decided that I could give some insight to the
> crowd
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!!
CROW: Mike, is she gonna talk about sex again?
> so I went up to the Black woman who the mistress of
> ceremonies and asked her if I could be added to the list of
> speakers.
TOM: Thanks to a sensitive microphone and a good amp, her laughter could
be heard in three states!
> She asked me if I was a parent.
MIKE: Whoa, now THERE'S an image I'd rather not conjure up.
> When I said no, she then
> asked me who I was and what I wanted speak about.
CROW: Oh you know, communism, sex, and the Internet, pretty much.
MIKE: Hey, what else is there?
> So I said that
> I was a radical educator and that I had been studying the problems
> of sexism and racism for a long time and that I had some light to
> shed on the depth of the problem.
TOM: Wait a minute, you're that Neutopia freak, aren't you?
> She added my name to the list.
CROW: I-M-B...Um, how do you spell "imbecile" again?
>
> After several other speakers, I went back up to her and asked her
> when my time for speaking would happen. She said that "they" had
> decided to cut the rally short
TOM: Oh no, it's "they" from Ring of Terror! Boy, "they" get around...
> and that I would not be able to
> speak. Of course, I know that this was a lie and that I had been
> cut out of the program,
TOM: Don't you do it! I've got nowhere else to go!
> so I was forced to make a radical move.
MIKE: What, is she a skateboarder or something?
> After the current speaker was finished, I immediately jumped into
> the forum space
CROW: The card says, "Forum Space - Lose a turn while you contemplate
pretentious crap."
> and told them that the essence of democratic
> education is the public forum.
TOM: The public toilet is nice too.
> The problems of sexism and racism
> in the school systems required radical restructuring and to do this
> we had to discuss the mission of education.
MIKE: I'm guessing it's somewhere along the lines of "to educate."
> But we could not do
> this if the schools were not opened up to holding public forums,
> places where anyone with an opinion
CROW: ...no matter how stupid...
> that had not been expressed
> before could speak and debate their points of view. The
> fundamental political structure is the speaker's podium. I
> explained how the old way of structuring speakers
MIKE: ..you know, with tube amps and stuff...
> in a linear
> fashion with the inner circle
ALL: [sing] Bad boys! Bad boys! Whatcha gonna do?
> being in control of the forum was one
> of the basic causes of social violence. In other words, social
> violence is a results from the political corruption within
> the closed forum.
TOM: Wait a minute. She's advocating an open forum, right? OK, so since
when is Miss Communism such a big fan of democracy?
>
> The mistress of ceremonies then stepped in front of me to try to
> push me out of the speaking place. There were a number of video
> cameras taping the scene,
TOM: WWF presents Doctress Neutopia and the Mistress of Ceremonies in a
bloody cage match that's sure to be about as much fun as neutering
a guinea pig!
CROW: This Sunday on Pay-Per-View.
> so after she realized that I wasn't going
> to be suppressed, she moved out of the way. I ended my speech my
> saying that the banner for the rally needed to be changed to read:
MIKE: "Rally today - Free pants!"
> True Love and Justice in the Amherst Schools. In order to activate
TOM: ...my wonder-twin powers...
CROW: Form of...Josef Stalin! Um, holding a bucket of water!
> the message students should boycott classes until the racist,
> sexism, and classiest educational system
MIKE: Come to Amherst, home of the classiest educational system around!
> comes to an end. Several
> men started shouting at me to go home and that I didn't know what
> I was talking about.
TOM: ...which was, technically, true.
-+-End of Part 2
-+-Continued in Part 3 (Again, go figure!)
#include<std.sig>
---
Got a question about the world we live in and life in general?
Wonder no more! Just ASK DR. DAVE!
Finger yo...@cs.unca.edu for details...
Michael Jason Lewis
David Patrick Young <yo...@cs.unca.edu> wrote:
}> So was it better for her to
}> stay here where she has a house to live in and she has the *time*
}
}TOM: It is very *squishy* to see you.
}MIKE and CROW: Huh?
Jerk! Idiot! Moron!
- Mike
Soundwave [ASTEK]
: }> So was it better for her to
: }> stay here where she has a house to live in and she has the *time*
: }TOM: It is very *squishy* to see you.
: }MIKE and CROW: Huh?
Pkunk!
-sw- [Ref THAT for 2 net points...]
--
Chad Gould aka Soundwave(not Gamera) |--Running under OS/2 Warp!!!--|
internet: cgo...@gate.net (not Prodigy) |--Keeper of the Movie Guides--|
member ASTEK/Comp Music! "Ye-haw! Multiball!" tHe MaStEr DoEs NoT aPpRoVe.
Opinions expressed drowned out by 42 NASCAR engines roaring by.
Quotation you thought you'd never see on TV: "Ed Wood wins two Oscars..."
Mike Barklage
>: }TOM: It is very *squishy* to see you.
>: }MIKE and CROW: Huh?
>: Jerk! Idiot! Moron!
>Pkunk!
>-sw- [Ref THAT for 2 net points...]
Star Control II.
Mike Barklage -- MSTie #19634 | "We are all interested in the future, for
aka Chirpy the Mutant Hellbeast | that is where we will spend the rest
aka bark...@ucsu.Colorado.edu | of our lives."
aka Chir...@aol.com | - Criswell, _Plan 9 From Outer Space_
David Patrick Young
: cgo...@gate.net (Soundwave [ASTEK]) writes:
: >: }TOM: It is very *squishy* to see you.
: >: }MIKE and CROW: Huh?
: >: Jerk! Idiot! Moron!
: >Pkunk!
: >-sw- [Ref THAT for 2 net points...]
: Star Control II.
As maker of the original reference, I must say I'm genuinely
surprised at how many people picked up on it. Of course I guess I
should've known that those of us with MST3K on the brain, whenever we see
something vaguely familiar, automatically go on a rampant mental search
to figure out where we've heard it before. Geez, where am I going with
this? Anyway, congrats on the 2 net.points.
Still no winner of the bazillion-net-point album cover ID
contest! Remember, you can't win if you don't enter. So look for the
post with my picture on it. And send it in!