"Data and Friend" MSTied (my first!)
Matt Burch
If you like, it please tell me so, so that I'll be encouraged to subject
myself to this pain again in the future.
"Data and Friend" MSTied
by Matt Burch
1-2-3-4-5-6-*
[SOL bridge - Tom & Crow are playing chess]
MIKE: [whispering] Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. My two
electronic pals are furiously engaged in a Sudden-Death Overtime game of Star
Trek Chess, using the official set from the Franklin Mint. Let's watch on, shall
we?
CROW: Spock takes Troi. Checkmate in four moves, you piece of space debris.
TOM: Crow, what are you smoking? My Riker can wipe out your Spock and leave your
Kirk open to a flanking move from my Data!
CROW: I don't THINK so, Romulan scum, since your Riker is too fat to haul his
butt that far without a Twinkie break!
TOM: WHAT?!? Why, you...
MIKE: Cool it, you guys, Amazing Grace and Chuck are calling!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Greetings, Micrometeroite. Our invention exchange this week is brought to
you courtesy of our own TV's Frank. Oh, Frank?
Frank: Thanks, Steve. Well, Mike, in honor of today's experiment I've decided to
apply a new twist to the old concept of the automitive air filter and... [holds
up a cut-up piece of an air filter to his face, Geordi-style] here you have it -
instant LeVar Burton, TV's Geordi LaForge. You know, kids, reading opens up new
worlds of whimsy and wonder and...
[SOL]
CROW: Hey, you guys did that one before!
TOM: Yeah, what happened, couldn't think of an invention this week?
[Deep 13 - Dr. F glares at Frank]
Dr. F: Frank, that's the LAST time I EVER let you do an invention! Now, run
along and kill yourself, would you? That's a good boy.
[SOL]
MIKE: Anyway, sirs, our invention this week is based along similar lines...
check it out, it's the Deanna Troi talking doll! [holds up a cheap doll with a
string attached] Look, her internal microprocessor has eight megs of memory and
a sappy platitude for any situation: [pulls string]
Troi Doll: I sense great pain.
[pulls string]
Troi Doll: Look, it's the Borg. Is that a bad thing?
[pulls string]
Troi Doll: I sense happiness and joy.
[pulls string]
Troi Doll: Will, I have a little surprise for you, if your photon torpedo
launcher is up to it.
MIKE: Crow! Have you been messing with my ROM programmer again?
CROW: Uh, Servo did it.
Tom: Hey!
MIKE: Anyways, we'll have to get version 1.1 out pronto. Whaddya think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I think I sense deep hurting for you, Microcosm. Your experiment today is
"Data and Friend," a not-at-all interesting human-interest story set in the Star
Trek universe. Push the button, Frank.
[suddenly the lights dim and flash and the sound of an electrical discharge is
heard. A leg flies past the camera, and smoke pours from offscreen]
Frank: [offscreen] In a minute, Doctor. Say, have you seen my leg?
Dr. F: Umm, never mind. I'll get it. [pushes button]
[SOL - Mike and the bots run around screaming "Fanfic Sign!!!"]
*-6-5-4-3-2-1
CROW: ...and that's what you get for releasing the beta too soon!
This is an automated reposting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
archives.
TOM: Oh, THANK YOU, Joe Young.
This is archive file: story/tng/Katharine_Shade/DataAndFriend.zip
Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
addressed to j...@cis.ksu.edu.
CROW: I got your comments right here, pal.
=====================================CUT HERE===================================
TOM: [makes "Gamera vs. Zigra" rasberry noise]
MIKE: Tom!
Exploding: DataAndFriend
MIKE: Don't we wish...
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!
TOM: That computer's so hip it can't see over its own pelvis.
uwm.edu!caen!batcomputer!
CROW: Quick, Robin, to the Batcomputer!
munnari.oz.au!ariel.ucs.unimelb.EDU.AU!ucsvc.ucs.unimelb.edu.au!emu.insted.unime
lb.edu.au!s345005
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
MIKE: Star Trek, yes. Creative, no.
Subject: DATA AND FRIEND
Message-ID: <1993Apr28...@emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au>
From: s34...@emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au (Peter R. Tilton)
Date: 28 Apr 93 17:22:24 GMT
Organization: University of Melbourne
CROW: [Peter Graves voice] I'm Peter R. Tilton... and I'm posting from the
University...
of Melbourne.
Nntp-Posting-Host: emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au
Lines: 256
TOM: That's 2^8 lines of torture, by the way.
Wow, I just discovered how to upload files!
Now I'll be able to start posting, and not just reading the stories!
TOM: Me too! Me too!
CROW: H3Y D00DZ WH3R3 C&N 1 G3T S0M3 WAR3Z 0N A0L!!!
MIKE: Crow, I didn't know you could talk like that!
CROW: It's my Kibotron subprocessor.
Here's a rather light-hearted story, in contrast to all the really serious
ones like I,Locutus (which was brilliant, but rather exhausting to read!)
MIKE: Wasn't that one by Ratliff?
Read, enjoy, and lots of feed-back please!
TOM: You want feedback? Call up a radio talk show and put the phone right next
to your radio. Thankyou!
DATA AND FRIEND
By Katharine Shade
MIKE: Evening Shade.
Data was on his way to engineering when a small object came hurtling
around the corner,
TOM: He quickly shot a toy arrow across its field of view and nabbed it with his
towel.
careering straight into him.
CROW: Is that possible?
MIKE: Yes, Katharine, how DOES one career into something?
TOM: You get promoted to shift manager at McDonalds?
He used his superhuman strength to stay upright,
CROW: I knoooooow...
and the small object untangled itself
from him, revealing itself to be a small boy, of approximately eight
years of age.
"Are you unhurt?" Data inquired.
MIKE: Are you not in unpain?
"No...I mean yes," the boy said, rather confused at how Data had
phrased his question.
TOM: Please phrase your question in the form of a question.
He lifted his tear stained face and looked up
at Data, suddenly realising that he had just bumped into a Starfleet
officer.
MIKE: He had been hoping to smash into Troi, however.
"I'm sorry...I shouldn't be here, it's just that.."
Sounds of shouting came from around the corner,
TOM: Auchtung! Schnell! Die Amerikan macht geshcapen!
and more small boys came barreling around.
CROW: Jeez, these things are everywhere! Just like tribbles!
But this time Data was prepared, and he
stepped aside, watching as the first boy stopped abruptly, realising
who he'd just passed. The two boys following were a bit slower to
react, and bumped into the first one, resulting in a disordered mass
of limbs.
TOM: Oh my God noooooo!
CROW: Mike, say this isn't happening!
MIKE: Oh, the humanity!
The arms and legs resolved themselves into three boys,
CROW: Ahhh! Shapeshifters!
slightly larger than the one who was now hiding behind Data.
A small voice emerged from the general region of Data's back, too soft
to be heard by the other boys.
MIKE: It was Data's built-in subwoofer.
"Please don't let them get me!"
Data twisted his head around and looked down over his shoulder at the
boy, but turned his attention back to the other boys as he realised
that they were trying to sneak away.
"Is this area of the ship not off limits to you?" Data asked them.
MIKE: Are you not in the unwrong not place?
TOM: Quintuple Negative Theatre presents...
One of the boys, bolder than the rest - the one who had been in the
lead when they ran past Data - drew himself up to his full height of
140cm
CROW: Nurse, quickly, 140cc's of twerp!
and replied "We're on a school assignment."
The small boy whispered, "Don't believe him, he's lying."
Data considered this. He knew that humans often lied, although most
of the time he was still unable to detect when this was the case.
TOM: Witness his failure to comprehend Ollie North.
One of the boys must be lying,
MIKE: Quickly, he consulted his random number generator...
and in this case he decided that the boy
hiding behind him was less likely to be the liar.
He had observed
that those who put up a front, as he suspected the boy in front of him
was doing, often did not tell the whole truth.
CROW: [Nixon voice] I am not a crook!
"What is your name?" asked Data.
TOM: Stephen Ratliff.
CROW: then those boyys over their were chaseing me marissa sed.
MIKE: How do you DO that, Crow?
CROW: My Ratliff Emulation Package.
"David," the boy answered.
"And your friends?"
"Tom and Derek." David answered for them.
"I will check with your teacher whether you are on an assignment."
David's face fell, as did those of his two companions.
TOM: These kids just can't stay put together, can they?
Data recalled the manner he had seen Riker assume when he had seen him
talk to some misbehaving youngsters.
CROW: He asked them out on a date.
"Go back to where you are supposed to be, and if I hear any stories
about your behaviour, you will be in big trouble!"
MIKE: Evidently, Data's switched over to his emergency backup personality...
CROW: That's one HHG reference. You're up to your limit now.
The three boys streaked back the way they had come,
MIKE: Oh my God!
TOM: Darnit, why can't Ensign Ro ever streak through the ship?
fear now showing
on their faces, rather than the cocky assuredness of before. Data
turned around and crouched down so as to be on the same level as the
small boy, who now had a hint of a smile showing through on his tear
streaked face.
"You were great!" he said.
CROW: You were incredible! Got a cigarette?
But then his face fell. "Are you going to send me away too?"
MIKE: They're coming to send me away, ha ha.
"No" Data replied. "Not until I determine why you are upset."
The boy said nothing, just hung his head.
TOM: Disassociating limbs, self-hanging... what is it with these kids?
"What is your name?" asked Data.
"Gillam," the boy replied in a small voice.
CROW: Terry Gillam.
"Why were you crying?"
"Because David and the others were chasing me and calling me names."
Data tilted his head to the side, puzzled. "Why did that cause you to
be upset?"
Gillam lifted his head, and almost shouted at Data, "Because they're
always picking on me because I'm small for my age."
MIKE: [monotone] "Yes I am very upset with you young man" he screamed.
TOM: Yawn.
Data was still puzzled. "Why would that cause them to 'pick' on you?"
A little surprised at his own outburst, Gillam tried to explain as
best he could. "David always picks on other people, It's just the way
he is. And because I'm short, he picks on me for that."
Data was still unable to comprehend this complex bit of behaviour, but
did the best he could to comfort the boy.
CROW: Engaging comforting subroutine... "There. There."
"I do not think his actions are justified. Should you not report
him to the teacher?"
Gillam was horrified. "Oh no, that would make him even worse! He
would find a way to get back at me." A look of alarm suddenly ap-
peared on his face. "Oh no, I should be in class now, the teacher's
going to be mad at me!"
MIKE: She'll put me in the box again!
He started off up the corridor, and then turned back to Data as if
suddenly remembering his manners when talking to a Starfleet officer.
"Good-bye, and thank you for not letting them get me."
"My pleasure." replied Data, and then added, although not sure why,
"If you need any further assistance, do not hesitate to contact me."
TOM: My number is....
Gillam grinned, his confidence rapidly returning, and vanished around
the corner.
CROW: Aaaaaah!!!
Data stood there for a moment, his brow creased in puzzlement, then
continued on his way to engineering.
MIKE: [sarcastically] Never mind, Data, recalibrating the Krankenfrank
Generators
can WAIT!
After his shift had ended, Data was still stumped over the behaviour
of David and his two friends, and he decided that the best course of
action would be to seek out Counsellor Troi.
CROW: Seek and deTroi!
TOM: It's FUNNY!
The computer informed
him that she was in her quarters, and he made his way there.
After requesting admittance, Data entered her quarters and found her
sitting in front of her computer screen.
TOM: Mudding.
She turned as he entered,
and a look of surprise crossed her face as she saw who it was.
"I hope I am not disturbing you?"
"No, of course not," Troi replied.
MIKE: I'll just put A-10 Attack on pause...
TOM: Wow, did that finally come out by the 24th century?
CROW: No, she's just playing the demo.
"Can I help you with something?"
"I would like some advice."
MIKE: Paper or plastic?
"Well it's not often that an..." Troi's voice trailed off as she
realised what she was going to say, and Data finished off the sen-
tence.
"..an android asks for advice from a human counsellor. Doctor Selar
TOM: What was that?
CROW: Did we fall into a timewarp for a second?
recently told me of one of the Vulcan sayings; 'rejoice in our dif-
ferences.' I am not offended at what you were about to say, indeed
Selar also told me that it is often said 'there is no offense if none
is taken.' Actually, that.."
MIKE: Is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
"Data," interrupted Troi, "you are babbling."
Data appeared confused. "I have noticed that when people are uncom-
fortable about something that has been said, it is often necessary to
reassure them a number of times that they have not caused offense."
"It is sometimes more effective to say nothing at all about it, as
if it was not said." Troi replied.
TOM: As if the Reagan years never happened.
Data considered this. "Hmm. I will file that away as another possi-
ble reaction to similar circumstances."
He abruptly changed the topic, as though heading this advice.
"I came to ask you about behavioural characteristics of young male
humans."
TOM: Bwomp chick womp-womp...
Troi's eyebrows shot up.
MIKE: Then Troi shot up.
"Why is that?"
Data briefly explained the events that had occurred.
CROW: Well, I was first activated on March third...
When he had finished, Troi asked, "Why did you not access the child
psychology information on the computer?"
TOM: The computer's down - they're installing Windows95.
CROW: So THAT was finally released, too!
"I frequently find that information on the computer in regard to
human behaviour is not satisfactory when trying to apply it to what I
observe, and it usually takes another human to fully comprehend and
explain some aspects of human behaviour." Data's voice raised slight-
ly in pitch as he went on, full steam ahead.
MIKE: Ah, so Data's steam-powered now?
"For example, when you were to be married to Wyatt
CROW: ..Earp.
and Riker appeared to be rather hostile
towards you, I needed Geordie
TOM: [mumbles something]
MIKE: Remember Tom, no spelling flames or you lose your ramchips!
CROW: G-E-O-R-die, die, die!!!
to explain to me that even though you
were no longer involved with Riker, there were residual..."
TOM: ...traces of LSD in your system.
Data stopped abruptly, as he noticed a severe frown on Troi's face.
"Is this one of those occasions where I should not apologise, and
pretend nothing was said on the subject?"
MIKE: As if the Bush years never happened?
Troi nodded. "Yes!" she said. "Now will you let me explain?"
Data nodded, his mouth now firmly closed.
CROW: His electronic buttocks firmly cl...
MIKE: Crow!!!
"Right," she said, gathering her thoughts. "It seems to me that this
boy - David?" she looked questioningly at Data, who nodded. "Is a
fairly typical bully. That usually means that he is deficient in some
area,
TOM: He's trying to compensate for a... shortcoming.
CROW: Yes, if you drive the all new Nissan, you must have a big...
MIKE: CROW!!!!
CROW: ...wallet! I was going to say "wallet"!!!
and to cover this up he points out other people's flaws to boost
his own ego, which is actually quite fragile. He's probably big for
his age," Data nodded again, "which gives him a physical dominance
over others,
TOM: Swish-crack!!! [whip sound]
which is pretty important at that age, and he exerts his
influence over other children who have little self control, who feel
the pull of a leader - good or bad - very strongly. How does that
sound, Data?"
MIKE: My God, you've just described the crew of the Enterprise!
Data nodded again, unwilling to open his mouth. Troi was amused.
"Data!" she laughed. "Say something!"
"I was unwilling to say anything, in case I offended or embarrassed
you," he said.
"Data, you can't go around not saying anything at all, how are you
going to learn anything? Everybody runs the risk of offending when
they speak, but it's worth the risk rather than saying nothing at all.
You just have to think a little more about the results of what you
want to say before you speak."
CROW: For instance, never, ever mention Emerson, Lake, and Palmer around
Gypsy...
Data considered this. "Very well, I will attempt to do so. However,
often I am unable to determine in advance whether what I say will
offend."
MIKE: Aaaah! We're trapped in another dimension!
MIKE: Oh, that's better.
"That is something you will learn with time and experience."
Data changed tack.
TOM: Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the mainsail! Heave to!
"I am confused as to why children like David are allowed to behave in
this
way."
Troi sighed. "I know what you mean Data, human children are now
brought up in a peaceful environment which abhors unnecessary vio-
lence,
CROW: Oh, so the Democrats are in control again.
yet some children still seem to have to go through these stages in
their
development."
"Can it not be stopped?"
MIKE: Stop puberty, I wanna get off!
"There is disciplinary action which can be taken, however the best
thing to do is to
TOM: ...spank them mercilessly.
find out why they are behaving in that way, to see
what it is within themselves that is producing this inferiority com-
plex.
CROW: They're just big dumb booger heads, that's what's wrong.
I will have a talk to their teacher if you like - young chil-
dren can be very clever in hiding things from adults, who may not be
fully aware of what is going on."
CROW: Members of Congress aren't, anyway.
"And what about Gillam?"
"He is probably a very sensitive young boy who needs someone to talk
to, to bolster up his confidence in himself."
"Do you think that I could fulfill that role?" Data asked hesitant-
ly.
"I don't see why not," Troi answered.
MIKE: You've done well with other psycho kids in the past.
"Thank you for your help" Data said, leaving the room with a pleased
look on his android features.
Troi smiled to herself, and turned back to her computer terminal to
continued her treatise on why chocolate has such an enormous psycho-
logical effect on people.
TOM: Ah, the REAL point of this story.
Data went back to his quarters, and was about to access information on
the computer when his door entrance chimed. "Come in," he called out.
After a slight pause, a rumpled head appeared through the doors.
MIKE: Rrrrruffles have rrrrridges.
CROW: Grrrrreat gods of Rrrrrragnarrrrok!
MIKE: Crow, that's one Dr. Who reference. You've reached your limit.
CROW: Wait, don't I get to do one for Doctors one through six?
MIKE: Well, I... no!
TOM: Shhhh!
"Mr Data, can I come in?"
"Yes" he replied, and Gillam came slowly into the room, taking
everything in with wide-eyed amazement. He paused in front of a
painting on the wall.
TOM: Hey, that lady doesn't have any clothes on! Tee hee!
"Did you paint that?" he asked.
"Yes" said Data, "A friend of mine tried to teach me to paint a
little while ago, and that is the only painting that I felt was suc-
cessful."
MIKE: I call it "Snicker-Snag on Butcher Paper" - do you like it?
Gillam sized it up critically, and closely examined the brushstrokes.
"You know, you would probably be better with oils. It seems like
here you were unsure about putting each stroke down, and with oils
there is more room for correction."
CROW: Oh, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Picasso...
Gillam stopped his flow of advice, and turned to Data, unsure of how
his criticism would be received. Data looked quite pleased.
"That appears to be very sound advice. Do you do a lot of
painting?"
TOM: No, but I play one on TV.
Encouraged, Gillam went on. "A bit, although I prefer to do sculp-
ture. I want to be an artist when I grow up."
CROW: An animator, to be exact.
Data considered what Gillam was saying in the light of what Troi had
said about encouraging him. A fair amount of self interest also
prompted what he said next.
TOM: So... want to have dinner later?
"I believe that the holodeck has programs on all of the famous Earth
art galleries. Would you be interested in explaining some of them to
me?"
Gillam's eyes lit up in excitement.
CROW: And evil.
"Oh yes, would you really take me there?!"
"Yes, would you like to go now?"
MIKE: Not really, but thanks for asking.
A short time later, three Enterprise crew members were surprised to
see Data heading towards the holodeck with a small boy hanging onto
his hand, both of them engrossed in a serious discussion about the
relative merits of different art forms, and both of them looking
exceedingly enthralled.
CROW: Awww, that's so....
TOM: Sweet?
CROW: No.
MIKE: Cute?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Gut-wrenchingly nauseating?
CROW: Bingo.
=====================================CUT HERE===================================
CROW: "The Illustrated Guide To Circumcision", figure one.
--
Joe Young Tivoli Systems, Inc
Systems Administrator 9442 Capital of Texas Highway North
joseph...@tivoli.com Arboretum Plaza One, Suite 500
Phone:(512) 502-4720 Austin TX 78759
TOM: Pace Picante Fanfics are made in Austin, Texas, by people who know what
fanfics
should look like!
CROW: But this fanfic was made in New York City!
TOM & MIKE: NEW YORK CITY?!?!?!?!?!?
MIKE: Get the rope...
TOM: Let's get out of here, guys.
CROW: Oh, the pain, the pain...
1-2-3-4-5-6-*
[SOL bridge - the Deanna Troi doll is lying facedown on the desk. Mike is
probing around inside it with an oscilloscope probe.]
MIKE: Well guys, I just can't figure out what's wrong.
TOM: Yep, guess we'll have to start pullin' chips...
[Mike pulls out a chip]
Troi Doll: Stop it, Mike...
[Mike pulls out another chip]
Troi Doll: Mike, let's talk this over...
[another chip]
Troi Doll: [baritone] Good morning, gentlemen. I am I GAL9000 computer. Would
you like to hear a song? "Dai-sy, Dai-sy..."
CROW: Mike!!! Shut that thing off RIGHT NOW!!!!
[Mike pulls the final chip out]
Troi Doll: Give me your answer doooooooo..... stroy.... De... stroy...
Destroy... Destroy! DESTROY!!! DESTROY!!! DESTROY!!!
[the doll rises up off the desk and starts to menace Tom]
ALL: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
TOM: Mike! Get it off the ship, quick!
CROW: Quick, man, to the Umbillicus!
[Mike picks up the doll and chucks it into the umbillicus tube thingy]
[Deep 13 - Dr. F is finishing up sewing on Frank's leg. In the distance, a
whooshing sound and the repeated word "destroy" can be faintly heard]
Dr. F: Alright, Frank, now don't go chewing this off or I'll have to kill you
agai.... D'oh! Something's coming through the Umbillicus!
Frank: I'll get it, Steve.
[Frank opens up the Umbillicon and takes out the maniacal Troi doll.]
Frank: Ummmm... I think it's for you, Doctor.
Dr. F: Thank you Frank, I.... Aaaah! What in the Heck Ramsey is... hey, you
know, it's kind of cute, in an evil sort of way.
[Frank shrugs at the camera, then pushes the button.]
\|/
- * -
/|\
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and EMFs all copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing not endorsed,
authorized, or supported by anybody. Not intended as a personal attack
on Joe Young, Peter R. Tilton, or Katharine Shade, but as whatever is nearest
to that and still protected under the First Amendment. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this paragraph remains intact. This paragraph
was lifted directly from "Treklander II". Thank you. Hello.
Not a Best Brains Production.
"Wow, I just discovered how to upload files!
Now I'll be able to start posting, and not just reading the stories!"
--
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Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
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